- 12 years ago
Jack Me (2008)
1h 30min | Comedy | Video 29 September 2008
Moron Spermlick decides to cheat death by eating Jack's for 30 days straight. This odd experiment quickly heads down the sewer pipes of peril when he discovers Jack's secret ingredient is HORMONES!! In fact, Jack's food is full of more hormones than a Tijuana brothel. Witness the unthinkable as he encounters severe mood swings, hot flashes and involuntary orifice hurling. Not to mention he ultimately develops a set of jugs that would shame Pam Anderson. The outcome? Only you can discover the graphic ending to this satirical tale. Simply insert this horrific yet humorous DVD into you player and prepare to call 911. Between you and me - let's just say that Moron Spermlick ends up chomping on the meat -balls of regret!
Director: Randy Morgan
Writer: Randy Morgan
Stars: Jorge Amador, Vincent Angelini and Roby Anton
1h 30min | Comedy | Video 29 September 2008
Moron Spermlick decides to cheat death by eating Jack's for 30 days straight. This odd experiment quickly heads down the sewer pipes of peril when he discovers Jack's secret ingredient is HORMONES!! In fact, Jack's food is full of more hormones than a Tijuana brothel. Witness the unthinkable as he encounters severe mood swings, hot flashes and involuntary orifice hurling. Not to mention he ultimately develops a set of jugs that would shame Pam Anderson. The outcome? Only you can discover the graphic ending to this satirical tale. Simply insert this horrific yet humorous DVD into you player and prepare to call 911. Between you and me - let's just say that Moron Spermlick ends up chomping on the meat -balls of regret!
Director: Randy Morgan
Writer: Randy Morgan
Stars: Jorge Amador, Vincent Angelini and Roby Anton
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Greasy burgers, chicken too, goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:05Jackass food that's hard to chew, but it goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:19America!
00:00:21Home of the fat.
00:00:24We got the largest donuts,
00:00:26the largest hamburgers,
00:00:28the largest hot dogs,
00:00:30the largest knockers,
00:00:33and the largest, fattest, hungriest human beings on planet Earth.
00:00:37In fact, if you live in the U.S., you'll probably see more fat in your lifetime than a slaughterhouse floor.
00:00:44Congratulations, swine, and the hormones in the food are enough to make a toddler grow tits.
00:00:50We have way too many fast food joints in America.
00:00:54I mean, there's a park and puke on practically every corner.
00:00:58The vomit being served today is way out of control.
00:01:01Things used to be different.
00:01:03Home-cooked meals used to be an American pastime.
00:01:06It's much easier today to just hit up a Jack's shack for dinner.
00:01:10But at what cost?
00:01:12Although my mom didn't cook that often,
00:01:14I still have many memories of her rattling the pots and pans in our kitchen.
00:01:19This is her, way back when.
00:01:21Sometimes, if she wasn't too hungover, she'd whip up some toast or a nice bowl of cereal.
00:01:27Oh, and here's a good picture of her in the kitchen,
00:01:30taken right after she gang-banged about a dozen Hell's Angels.
00:01:34Good one, Mom.
00:01:35In fact, most of my memories of her are in the kitchen,
00:01:39probably because that's where she kept the booze.
00:01:42The only time we ate out was when one of Mama's boyfriends knocked over a liquor store
00:01:47or when she'd turn a trick down at the laundromat.
00:01:50Now we have a new public enemy number one.
00:01:53Jack.
00:01:55And his commercials are just a sick display of his power in the fast food market.
00:02:01My name is Jack.
00:02:03Yo, and I'm not wack.
00:02:05My food's more addictive than crack.
00:02:07I got a new sandwich for all you ladies.
00:02:09Take one bite, it's hotter than Hades.
00:02:11And I call it the Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:14Cause it's hotter than a fat bitch.
00:02:16Take one bite, and your anus and will twist.
00:02:18Jack with Pepper's Chili Powder.
00:02:20When you creep, you'll never scream louder.
00:02:22Act for my Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:26Grab one today.
00:02:28Diaper not included.
00:02:30Yeah, about as funny as a fart in a morgue.
00:02:34There's a new Jack's popping up every day.
00:02:38And let's not forget the hazards of his horrible food.
00:02:41It's a scary hormone-injected menu of death.
00:02:48Now what would happen if I ate Jack for a month straight?
00:02:51Well, I guess I'd have to know him pretty well, huh?
00:02:54But seriously, I don't know Jack.
00:02:56Not yet, anyway.
00:02:58I've just heard the horror stories.
00:03:00So now it's time I taste what I've been missing.
00:03:03So come on.
00:03:05Jack!
00:03:18Jack!
00:03:48Jack!
00:03:50Jack!
00:03:52Jack!
00:03:54Jack!
00:03:56Jack!
00:03:58Jack!
00:04:00Jack!
00:04:02Jack!
00:04:04Jack!
00:04:06Jack!
00:04:08Jack!
00:04:10Jack!
00:04:12I figured if I was going to go all out on a 30-day Jack Spender,
00:04:16I would need a reputable physician to monitor my health.
00:04:19Problem is, I don't have insurance.
00:04:22So I enlisted the medical supervision of an ex-veterinarian
00:04:26who ran an underground clinic down by the L.A. River.
00:04:30Any history of health problems?
00:04:33Not really.
00:04:34No aneurysms, retardation?
00:04:37I did have some mental illness a few years back.
00:04:40Oh. Tell me more.
00:04:42Well, let's just say I got a little crazy at Cheesy Chuck's Pizza Parlor one night
00:04:47and when they arrested me, I was naked in the ball crawl.
00:04:51Are you sexually active?
00:04:53Yes.
00:04:54A girlfriend?
00:04:55Yes.
00:04:56No, I said girlfriend.
00:04:58Um, yeah. Yeah.
00:05:01Right. Any history of family diseases?
00:05:04Let's see. My dad drank till his guts vulcanized
00:05:08and my mom had every STD and TJ.
00:05:11TJ?
00:05:12Yeah. My mom rode more donkeys down there than Pancho Villa.
00:05:16The reason I ask about your parents is that heredity plays a large part in our health.
00:05:21Why, did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
00:05:25It is?
00:05:26Yeah. It runs in your genes.
00:05:32Now, are you sure you want to go ahead with this?
00:05:35You realize Jack's food is one of the leading causes of serious health abnormalities.
00:05:44Jack is an evil, sadistic clown that preys upon our children and our community.
00:05:50It's my moral obligation to show this great country
00:05:55exactly what this hormone-injected garbage can do to a human.
00:06:00Alright, moron. It's your body.
00:06:02It's your body. I wouldn't worry too much.
00:06:04You look strong as a horse.
00:06:06So, let's get started with some tests, shall we?
00:06:10Our food is good. It's good for America.
00:06:14The FDA. They're coming down on us.
00:06:17We only use the best ingredients. We use the best shit there is.
00:06:21And the FDA can drink my piss.
00:06:32Doctor is in and wearing a grin.
00:06:35I've got a Ph.D. in sodomy.
00:06:39Lift your gown, spread your cheeks.
00:06:41This physical takes three whole weeks.
00:06:44This plantar thermometer will make your toes curl.
00:06:47I'll grab your nuts like a starving squirrel.
00:06:51What's that for?
00:06:53A little hypnotheraction for the rectal exam.
00:06:56Malpractice suits don't bother me.
00:06:59Because I've got some Ph.D. in sodomy.
00:07:14So, overall, you're pretty healthy.
00:07:16The worst that can happen to you is you would die an excruciating death
00:07:20and Satan would emerge from the bowels of hell and torment your soul forever.
00:07:26Well, I guess I can live with that.
00:07:29Okay. Good luck, moron.
00:07:33Thanks, Doc. You're a good man.
00:07:42Screw you, hobos!
00:07:44My art campaign is a recipe for success!
00:07:47Smoke, tits, and Satan!
00:07:50Jack, it's not all about rump shaking and tit twirling.
00:07:55Jack, you're white.
00:07:57Whiter than an albino's ass.
00:08:00Get to the point, dickwicks!
00:08:02White rappers suck.
00:08:04Say that to Anima!
00:08:06Four number one hits this year alone!
00:08:09You can't have that one hit.
00:08:11Ass hostage?
00:08:13Exactly!
00:08:15Inhale my sausage!
00:08:17I'll make you my ass hostage!
00:08:20But that wigger was a fluke.
00:08:23Well, for some street cred, we do have...
00:08:27Black Jack.
00:08:29What?
00:08:30Roll the tape.
00:08:33My name is Jack, and my ass is black.
00:08:36My burgers are bomb, cause I'm the real Mack.
00:08:38Smack them buns, and the beef I toss.
00:08:40Then I throw down my special sauce.
00:08:43You slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:46Come on, you slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:51Your new Black Jack burger.
00:08:53It's hot and it squirts.
00:08:57You're shitting me!
00:08:59Where on God's white earth did you find this hoograt?
00:09:03Compton Clown School, actually.
00:09:05Top of his class.
00:09:07You dumb pricks!
00:09:09There's already an unfunny fat ass in Hollywood named Jack Black!
00:09:15No!
00:09:17It's Black Jack!
00:09:19F you!
00:09:20I'm Jack, and that's my jail!
00:09:22And don't you forget it!
00:09:24There's only one Jack!
00:09:26But Jack!
00:09:27Please!
00:09:28Cops!
00:09:29Grab your cattle kilts and head to page two-three!
00:09:32Hurry!
00:09:33Whatever.
00:09:34I'll see you later, at the petting zoo.
00:09:38Better watch yourself, you valley!
00:09:40I'll put your monkey ass back in the halfway house where I found you!
00:09:45Yeah, so I'm not going to exercise for a month either.
00:09:49Which suits me fine.
00:09:51I mean, this is L.A.
00:09:54Nobody walks here.
00:09:57People in L.A. are so lazy,
00:09:59if they could drive to the toilet, they would.
00:10:04Speaking of toilets,
00:10:06this is my place right up here.
00:10:09This is my place right up here.
00:10:14Yeah, my girlfriend's not too hip on this whole experiment thing.
00:10:18She just hates fast food.
00:10:20She says it makes her feel all rubbery.
00:10:25Yeah, we met at a little store in North Hollywood about a year ago.
00:10:31We fell in love so fast.
00:10:37So fast, she says she literally felt the wind rush through her body.
00:10:49Oh, hey honey, I was just talking about you.
00:10:53Oh, hey honey, I was just talking about you.
00:11:04Yeah, she's a little shy around new people sometimes.
00:11:08Yeah, right.
00:11:10Hey honey, where'd you put that patch kit?
00:11:14Left leg's looking a little flat.
00:11:23Shut your lousy blowhole and listen to me.
00:11:26It's my body, and if I want to wear a diaper for the rest of my life,
00:11:30that's my problem.
00:11:32So get off your lazy ass and fix me a bologna sandwich.
00:11:37I want something nice to eat before I start my Jax diet tomorrow.
00:11:45Oh, screw me, huh?
00:11:48Say something now.
00:11:50That's what I thought.
00:11:52Psycho.
00:12:07Well, this is it. Day one.
00:12:10The first meal of the day.
00:12:12The most important meal of the day.
00:12:14Breakfast!
00:12:18Yeah, I'll have a Flappy Jax breakfast combo.
00:12:21This is every kid's dream.
00:12:24Jax.
00:12:26For breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:12:31I got me some Flappy Jax.
00:12:39Here goes my first bite.
00:12:47Ah.
00:12:49Damn, who's shat in the batter?
00:12:54Do you eat at Jax?
00:12:56Not so much, but I think I've eaten there, yeah.
00:13:00I eat at Jax.
00:13:02What do you think of Jax food?
00:13:04It's all greasy and they don't take the time to prepare it right.
00:13:09I don't know. I might get some fat.
00:13:12I hate Jax. Do you like Wendy's?
00:13:15Wendy's?
00:13:17Yeah, Wendy's nuts are in your mouth.
00:13:22So, you ever get the Jack meat, you know, big size?
00:13:25Yeah, I've been jacked before.
00:13:27Man, it was fuckin' awesome.
00:13:32Yeah, last time I ate one of those Jack burgers, it tasted like feet.
00:13:35Thank you very much.
00:13:37Now, here's the real deal.
00:13:39Now, here's the rules.
00:13:41I can only eat food from Jax.
00:13:43If Jax doesn't sell it, I can't eat it.
00:13:46I have to try every item on the menu.
00:13:49And finally, I have to eat three squares a day.
00:13:53Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:13:56No pussin' out.
00:13:58Well, it's lunchtime and I'm about to inhale the Mumbo Jumbo Jax Super Circus Combo.
00:14:04What size do you want?
00:14:06What size do you want?
00:14:08You wanna get Jax?
00:14:10Yeah, Jax.
00:14:16Damn, this thing's about as rare as a full set of teeth at Walmart.
00:14:23And I got the Jumbo Jumbo Death Defying Drink.
00:14:29Oh, boy.
00:14:36That's horrible.
00:14:38What do we got here?
00:14:41Ah, cool.
00:14:43I got the two-headed circus freak action figure.
00:14:48Sweet.
00:14:50High dive time.
00:14:54Score, baby.
00:14:57What do you think Jax food is doing to the public's waistline?
00:15:01Well, shit.
00:15:02It's making the whole country a bunch of lard-ass.
00:15:05And that upsets you?
00:15:07Is there a mustache in Mexico?
00:15:13Now people are doing the unthinkable.
00:15:15They're suing Jax's greasy ass.
00:15:20Come on.
00:15:21We used to eat out quite a bit when we were kids.
00:15:24This is a new phenomenon. It's an epidemic.
00:15:27Kids are growing pubes in preschool.
00:15:29It's unacceptable. Period.
00:15:32And don't even get me started on periods.
00:15:34It's those damn hormones.
00:15:40So, listen, Bub.
00:15:41Here's the deal.
00:15:42Everybody's getting on fat eating all this fast food all the time.
00:15:45That's a damn shame.
00:15:46Did you know that most people eat out 40% of their meals?
00:15:51I mean, I, of course, eat out a little bit more than that.
00:15:54If you know what I'm saying.
00:15:59So, I heard you want to sue Jax.
00:16:02Oh, yeah.
00:16:03I'm going to sue the suspenders off of that ball-headed, burger-pimping bastard.
00:16:08I'm going to sue Jax until he ain't got jack.
00:16:11I'm going to sue him until he can't even order off his own value menu.
00:16:14Are you kidding me?
00:16:16Yeah, you can quote me on that.
00:16:17And you've sued food companies before?
00:16:19Oh, companies, schools.
00:16:21Oh, shit.
00:16:24Stella, yeah, where in the hell is the file for the Little Sisters of Mercy, huh?
00:16:29We've got to have that in court today, and I'm not letting those bitches off the hook.
00:16:33Church has got plenty of money.
00:16:35The file is not on my desk in one minute.
00:16:37I'm going to sue you.
00:16:38Again.
00:16:41Jack has a team of top-notch lawyers foaming at the mouth for some action.
00:16:45And occasionally, he fires back.
00:16:48Come on.
00:16:49I've been doing this shit a long time.
00:16:51I just made a ton of cash with Lord of the O-Rings.
00:16:57Then I just wrapped Butt Pirates of the Caribbean 2.
00:17:01Now I've got to deal with this crap.
00:17:03Yeah, I'm currently involved in a lawsuit pending with Jack.
00:17:07So with the use of this title, jack me.
00:17:12Ah.
00:17:19See, this friggin' scum sack says he already owns the phrase.
00:17:26So now, next month, I've got to drag my ass down to court and settle this shit.
00:17:32Not to mention, the judge wants to subpoena my two lead stars from Jack.
00:17:37So how's that going to look?
00:17:39When the judge says,
00:17:40Will Jennifer Love's Huge Dick?
00:17:42And Harry S. Truman, Please Take the Stand?
00:17:48Yeah, somebody's going to get jacked all right.
00:17:52Wah.
00:17:56Jacks, you have a choice.
00:17:58You can choose this.
00:17:59See, you've got your circus midget size.
00:18:02Or you can choose this size,
00:18:05This size, a.k.a. Suicide.
00:18:09You have a choice?
00:18:10There is no choice.
00:18:12I'd rather be butt-raped by a large inmate than to buy this, rather than buy this.
00:18:19Shit, you could eat a trunk-load of trout for how much calories you get in this.
00:18:24And let me tell you, I've done it.
00:18:27I smell it.
00:18:30Jacks offers various drink sizes to quench your primal thirst.
00:18:34We've got the Circus Midget, the Clown Court, the Midway Monster,
00:18:39and of course, the Jack Me Special, the Suicides.
00:18:42And for the hard cores, there's the Steroid Smoothie.
00:18:46Drink it up.
00:18:50And Jack also puts a gang of sugar in his drinks.
00:18:53Not to mention, ingredients more unnatural than a 90-year-old man having a sex change.
00:18:59And of course, the cherry on top, hormones.
00:19:05Welcome to Jack's. Can I take your order?
00:19:08Yeah, give me a bearded lady burger, an order of drunken carny curly fries, and a soda.
00:19:16Okay, go ahead.
00:19:18Oh wait, you didn't ask me if I wanted to get Jack.
00:19:20Get your hands off my ass.
00:19:22What?
00:19:23Not you, I was talking to my manager.
00:19:25Oh, okay.
00:19:30Just look at this thing.
00:19:32Just look at this thing.
00:19:34Two pounds of pure Angus fur.
00:19:38More hair than Burt Reynolds' balls.
00:19:41Wow.
00:19:42Not to mention, enough curly fries to lasso Louis Anderson.
00:19:48And of course, my favorite, one gallon of highly caffeinated, sugar-saturated water.
00:19:59Oh boy.
00:20:03Last time I ate that much fur, I was at a swing party in Chatsworth.
00:20:08Mmm.
00:20:31Wow.
00:20:34Hey, a condom.
00:20:38Mmm.
00:20:43Jack's, it's what's for dinner.
00:20:56I feel like total crap today.
00:20:59But it's breakfast time, and I ain't quitting now.
00:21:04Successful breakfast.
00:21:06Yeah, that's the son of a bitch our camera's caught stooping around one of the restaurants.
00:21:10It appears he's making a movie or something.
00:21:12Probably trying to shut you down.
00:21:13He looks like a real moron.
00:21:15Funny you should say that.
00:21:17His name is Moron. Moron Spermlick to be exact.
00:21:20A real loser.
00:21:22I trailed him to some shit shack out in the woods.
00:21:24Is that good, Dick?
00:21:26I'll take it from there.
00:21:29The side effects are horrendous.
00:21:32Hair grows in weird spots.
00:21:34Some men even develop breasts.
00:21:36It's like suicide eating it, Jack's.
00:21:39It really is.
00:21:41Yeah, I'm getting this weird pulsating sensation in my schlong area.
00:21:46It's really strange.
00:21:53It must be all the hormones.
00:21:55Quick, give me another burger.
00:21:58What is it?
00:22:00Hormones.
00:22:02That's the good thing about L.A.
00:22:04They deliver everything.
00:22:06Yeah.
00:22:10Hey, little bitch.
00:22:12I heard you were making a movie about how my food sucks.
00:22:15No way.
00:22:17Your food's healthy and nutritious?
00:22:19You're such a crap moron.
00:22:20Everybody knows my food ain't fit for a coma patient.
00:22:24If I hear one more story about your little art bag film,
00:22:29I'll make you go down on the cloud.
00:22:32Well, it's video, actually.
00:22:34Such a mustache.
00:22:36If I hear any more crap, I'm going to cut your hair to end
00:22:39and you'll be wearing a smile like mine.
00:22:42Got it?
00:22:44Um, yes, Jack. I'm sorry.
00:22:47I'll be watching you.
00:22:55Let's face it.
00:22:57Fast food will kill you quicker than PCP.
00:22:59And unfortunately, without that bitchin' buzz.
00:23:01And I don't think America's doing its civil duty.
00:23:03Letting its kids run around at all hours into the night
00:23:06at these grease shacks, well...
00:23:08Excuse me, I am up here.
00:23:13He picks his nose with the TV on
00:23:15I'm a pig now, baby, I'm a pig, pig, pig
00:23:18He spits his toes when his feelings are gone
00:23:20I'm a pig now, baby, I'm a pig, pig, pig
00:23:23I'm a pig now, baby, pig, pig
00:23:26He goes out on Friday night
00:23:28Takes off his pants cause he's alright
00:23:31Third down and twenty to go
00:23:33This two-tog turkey is ready to go, go, go
00:23:43Rock!
00:23:48Ten, three, four!
00:23:54Stick it!
00:23:56Good rock!
00:24:00Look, bad stuff happens when you eat this garbage every day.
00:24:04Things like...
00:24:06Violent diarrhea
00:24:08Soft serve stool
00:24:10Yum!
00:24:12Ring sting
00:24:14Projectile vomiting
00:24:17Male lactation
00:24:19Oh boy...
00:24:20And genital strokes
00:24:23In fact, if this continues
00:24:25half of all kids born in the next five years
00:24:28will become so fat and bloated with hormones
00:24:31California will indeed sink into the ocean
00:24:34before the year 2010.
00:24:40They don't understand
00:24:41I'm taking a nap somewhere
00:24:42Somebody didn't know where I was
00:24:43My hair is dead
00:24:44My underwear
00:24:45On the side
00:24:46Someone's head
00:24:47With a little bit of food and chili
00:24:48On the side
00:24:49Now I'm about to get out
00:24:50I'm about to get out
00:24:51With some ugly looking woman
00:24:52Coming right back at me
00:24:53And saying, hey woman
00:24:54Why can't you shut up
00:24:55And get the hell out of my life
00:24:56I don't care what your name is anyway
00:24:59Shut up, dog!
00:25:01Get some food, bitch!
00:25:03Why can't you leave me alone?
00:25:05Get me out of my big fat house!
00:25:15Without further ado
00:25:16Let's bring out
00:25:17Gerald Funyan
00:25:20What's up, Grover Washington Hines?
00:25:22I'd like to thank
00:25:23all you wonderful kids and faculty
00:25:24for giving me the opportunity
00:25:25to tell my story
00:25:27Sit down, nigglet
00:25:30Anyways
00:25:31I never smoked cigarettes
00:25:33without filters
00:25:34And I never drank liquor
00:25:35that wasn't in a 40-ounce bottle
00:25:37My hang-up was jacks
00:25:39And before my last unemployment check
00:25:41I weighed 400 pounds
00:25:43in the shade
00:25:44So I brought a pair of my old droves
00:25:47Oh, snaps
00:25:48Got them backwards
00:25:50Anyways, you get it
00:25:51My black ass was fat
00:25:54And active
00:25:59Checkmate
00:26:01Another one bites the dust, baby
00:26:03Checkmate
00:26:05I don't think the son of a bitch
00:26:06knew what he was getting into
00:26:08I mean, raised in a trailer
00:26:10Abused
00:26:12His dad was awful
00:26:14Horrid
00:26:15While most kids
00:26:16heard bedtime stories
00:26:18before they went to sleep
00:26:21All he heard, usually
00:26:23was this
00:26:27Yeah, my dad used to get real drunk
00:26:29and he'd make me watch
00:26:31Chuck Norris movies in the nude
00:26:33with him
00:26:35all night
00:26:39Do you like jacks food?
00:26:41Yuck
00:26:43I prefer something healthy
00:26:45What would you rather have
00:26:46other than jacks?
00:26:48Well, actually, I prefer
00:26:49a hot grease enema
00:26:51Hey, I haven't actually seen you
00:26:52at the club lately
00:26:53Where you been, girlfriend?
00:26:55What are you talking about?
00:26:56We don't know each other
00:26:58Don't hate
00:26:59Masticate
00:27:05Jacks is poison, man
00:27:07Do yourself a favor
00:27:09and eat out of the dumpster
00:27:10behind the free clinic
00:27:13Well, you pretty much succeeded
00:27:14in reaming out your health
00:27:16You gained 10 pounds
00:27:17and you look like shit
00:27:19I look like shit?
00:27:22Scratch that
00:27:23You smell like shit
00:27:26This is absurd
00:27:28Stop it
00:27:29before it's too late!
00:27:33What do you type on her?
00:27:36That'll be $4.25, sir
00:27:38Alright, there you go
00:27:40Hey, did you want any
00:27:41special sauce with that today?
00:27:43Yeah, I'll take some
00:27:44special sauce, thanks
00:27:45Alright, hey
00:27:46Hurry, load them up
00:27:54Anything else today?
00:27:56I think that'll be it
00:27:57Alright, just one minute
00:27:59We'll take care of your
00:28:00special order
00:28:01Alright
00:28:04It's the special sauce
00:28:05that makes it so much
00:28:06more enjoyable
00:28:07Let me tell you that
00:28:14Ugh!
00:28:24Oh boy
00:28:25Circus Sunday Supreme
00:28:274,000 calories of...
00:28:30What the hell is this?
00:28:33Wow, it's disgusting
00:28:35Oh crap, it's a headless rat
00:28:39Where's the head?
00:28:44Where's the head?
00:28:48Where's the head?
00:28:50Have you ever eaten jack?
00:28:53No, not unless my
00:28:54microwave is broken
00:28:56Not unless I'm
00:28:57feeling suicidal
00:28:59We all know this
00:29:00Fast food is not the
00:29:02greatest thing in the
00:29:03world for us
00:29:04But there are just times
00:29:05when it's convenient
00:29:07You guys look in
00:29:08pretty good shape
00:29:09Do you get a lot of exercise?
00:29:12Do I get a lot of exercise?
00:29:14Yes!
00:29:15I do!
00:29:17But listen, it should
00:29:19not be a part of
00:29:20your everyday diet
00:29:22Hell yeah, I'll be
00:29:23coming over to your
00:29:24house like Batman
00:29:26He don't even live
00:29:27without Robin
00:29:29It's easy
00:29:32You just don't have
00:29:33the time to go and
00:29:34get a proper meal
00:29:36So, it works
00:29:38That's what I'm
00:29:39talking about
00:29:40Yeah, it does
00:29:42What's the grossest
00:29:43thing you've ever
00:29:44found in Jack's food?
00:29:46One time he found
00:29:47a roach
00:29:48A roach?
00:29:49Yeah
00:29:50What did you do with it?
00:29:52I smoked it
00:29:59Yeah, these are the
00:30:00first chicken chunks
00:30:01I've had on this
00:30:02Sick adventure
00:30:10I can almost hear
00:30:11them clock
00:30:16Wow
00:30:18I don't know what
00:30:19chunk of the chicken
00:30:20this came off of
00:30:22I think it's the
00:30:24pecker
00:30:31These must be the
00:30:32nuggets
00:30:34Mmm
00:30:38Yowza
00:30:40Did you know that
00:30:41chicken is the only
00:30:42animal you eat before
00:30:43it's born and after
00:30:44it's dead?
00:30:46So, exactly what's in
00:30:48Jack's trapeze
00:30:49chicken chunks?
00:30:50You have an assortment
00:30:51of goodies in here
00:30:52actually
00:30:53You got your lips
00:30:54your eyelids
00:30:55your belly buttons
00:30:56your ear lobes
00:30:57and assholes
00:30:59Oh, and an
00:31:00occasional foreskin
00:31:05Cough
00:31:06Cough
00:31:10Hello?
00:31:11Hello?
00:31:12At Jack's
00:31:13along with horrible
00:31:14food usually comes
00:31:15horrible service
00:31:17Case in point
00:31:19Yeah, what the
00:31:20fuck do you want?
00:31:21Trying to order
00:31:22some food
00:31:23You want a
00:31:24corndog, bitch?
00:31:25As a matter of fact
00:31:26We're closed
00:31:27Get the fuck out of
00:31:28here, man
00:31:29You guys are fags
00:31:34Jack Bates
00:31:36Jack Bates
00:31:39Yeah, Jack Bates
00:31:40What?
00:31:41Jack Bates
00:31:42Jack Bates
00:31:43Jack Bates
00:31:44Jack Bates
00:31:50Cool
00:31:52Jack's
00:31:54Yeah, I guess one of the
00:31:56negative side effects
00:31:58of this whole experiment
00:32:00was one night I came home
00:32:02and I was a little
00:32:03fucked up from
00:32:05a few burgers
00:32:07and experienced
00:32:08a violent episode
00:32:09of droid rage
00:32:11Well, unfortunately
00:32:12I took it out on
00:32:13the missus here
00:32:15Jack Bates
00:32:18Jack Bates
00:32:21Jack Bates
00:32:24Jack Bates
00:32:27Jack Bates
00:32:30Jack Bates
00:32:33Jack Bates
00:32:37Now listen
00:32:38I know he's there
00:32:40Put Jack on the phone
00:32:41The public deserves
00:32:42to know the truth
00:32:47Damn
00:32:56What you want?
00:32:57Yeah, I'll have
00:32:58the Dancing Bear
00:32:59burger meal
00:33:00and Jack me
00:33:01Hey, Leroy
00:33:03What?
00:33:04Fuck you, man
00:33:08Yeah, whatever
00:33:09Listen here, you
00:33:10minimum wage making
00:33:11piece of shit
00:33:14That's it
00:33:15Someone's getting
00:33:16jacked here
00:33:17It's not gonna be me
00:33:21Quit pulling my chain, man
00:33:27Jack Bates
00:33:30Jack Bates
00:33:33Jack Bates
00:33:35Do you know
00:33:36what a hormone is?
00:33:37Yeah
00:33:38It's like you've had
00:33:39too much cholesterol
00:33:41It's full of hormones
00:33:42Supposedly
00:33:43blows up the meat
00:33:45It's like you can
00:33:46make more sex
00:33:47It makes you make
00:33:48more sex
00:33:49It's a chemical
00:33:50released by the brain
00:33:51to help the body
00:33:52do things
00:33:54Isn't that something
00:33:55your mama does?
00:33:56With the
00:33:57marshmallow
00:33:58breakdance
00:33:59Wait a minute
00:34:00Did he say
00:34:01marshmallow
00:34:02breakdance?
00:34:04The marshmallow
00:34:05breakdance
00:34:07Marshmallow
00:34:08Pepsi breakdance
00:34:09It turns into food
00:34:11To the general public
00:34:12hormones are pretty
00:34:13much a mystery
00:34:15Hormones are
00:34:16molecules that
00:34:17act as signals
00:34:18from one type
00:34:19of cell to another
00:34:21When hormones are
00:34:22increased at such
00:34:23a fast rate
00:34:24as with Jack's food
00:34:25this leads to
00:34:26gynecomastia
00:34:27which means
00:34:28overly developmental
00:34:29lobules and
00:34:30stroma enlargement
00:34:32Basically
00:34:33it gives you
00:34:34titties
00:34:35Something I haven't
00:34:36shared with everyone
00:34:38is
00:34:39the last couple days
00:34:41I started developing
00:34:42breasts
00:34:47I'm
00:34:48up here
00:34:51So
00:34:53it started as
00:34:54this pressure
00:34:56in my chest
00:35:00and
00:35:01uh
00:35:02yeah
00:35:03these things
00:35:04just grew
00:35:05out of nowhere
00:35:07But this morning
00:35:09I looked in the mirror
00:35:11and we can
00:35:12guess what I did
00:35:14That's right
00:35:16I put milk
00:35:17in my coffee
00:35:18You know
00:35:19I saw a boy
00:35:20yesterday
00:35:217 years old
00:35:22with a rack
00:35:23made Pam Anderson
00:35:24look flatter
00:35:25in a TV dinner
00:35:27I feel a little
00:35:28like a
00:35:29I feel a little
00:35:30heavier
00:35:31No offense
00:35:32but you were no
00:35:33Karen Carpenter
00:35:34to begin with
00:35:36Wow
00:35:37What did I gain a lot?
00:35:39I don't know
00:35:40but did you see the
00:35:41ass on that
00:35:42intern there?
00:35:43Damn
00:35:44she's fine
00:35:45Come on doc
00:35:46how much did I gain?
00:35:48Whoa
00:35:49about 10 pounds
00:35:50you better slow down
00:35:51kid
00:35:55You may want
00:35:56to invest
00:35:57in a training bra
00:36:00It's the Orca Show
00:36:03Welcome back everyone
00:36:04We're here with
00:36:05Moron Spermlick
00:36:06a filmmaker
00:36:08Well actually
00:36:09it's video
00:36:10Whatever white bread
00:36:11Uh so
00:36:12I hear you on a
00:36:1330 day diet
00:36:14of Jack's food
00:36:16So how you doing
00:36:17health wise?
00:36:18Not bad
00:36:19for a man with honkers
00:36:21Damn Conway Titty
00:36:22that was real?
00:36:24Oh yeah
00:36:25and this is just
00:36:26after a few days
00:36:27of eating Jack's
00:36:28food filled food
00:36:30So
00:36:31what's next?
00:36:32You gonna keep going?
00:36:34Whole 30 days?
00:36:36Shut up bitch
00:36:37I'm talking here
00:36:39Well
00:36:40if I live through
00:36:41the rest of this month
00:36:42I'm thinking about
00:36:43doing a whole series
00:36:44of 30 day stunts
00:36:46Tired
00:36:47Dude that's played out
00:36:48One Trick Pony's
00:36:49only
00:36:50work in bestiality films
00:36:52Take me for instance
00:36:54This show has
00:36:55something new
00:36:56every time
00:36:57Keep it new
00:36:58Keep it new
00:36:59Well
00:37:00I mean I'm gonna
00:37:01change it up
00:37:02every month
00:37:03How?
00:37:04Well
00:37:05next month
00:37:06I'm gonna punk for speed
00:37:07at truck stops
00:37:08for 30 days
00:37:09Okay
00:37:10Then I'm gonna
00:37:11embark on a
00:37:1230 day diet
00:37:13of Gila monster semen
00:37:14We get it
00:37:15Then it's 30 days
00:37:16of dry humping
00:37:17lawn fur
00:37:18Okay we get it
00:37:19Followed by
00:37:2030 days of
00:37:21huffing dirty laundry
00:37:22in a trailer park
00:37:23Thank you everybody
00:37:24for tuning in
00:37:25We'll see you
00:37:27Cut the commercial
00:37:28Cut cut
00:37:29I feel stupid
00:37:30I feel so stupid
00:37:31I'm a little woman
00:37:32on my show
00:37:33Yeah let me get
00:37:34two big top tacos
00:37:35with three ring onions
00:37:36and a suicide soda
00:37:43I don't know man
00:37:47It's like
00:37:48nobody understands me
00:37:51and I feel so depressed
00:37:57Shit
00:38:02I think it's PMS
00:38:10I don't know man
00:38:12I'm getting pretty bored
00:38:13with this menu
00:38:15Tonight I got to
00:38:17clown around
00:38:19corn dog combo
00:38:21and a
00:38:23gallon
00:38:24of caramel apple soda
00:38:27I got the cramps too
00:38:30Sorry if I'm a little
00:38:31bitchy at it
00:38:56I don't know man
00:38:57I'm getting pretty bored
00:38:58with this menu
00:38:59Tonight I got to
00:39:00clown around
00:39:01corn dog combo
00:39:02and a
00:39:03gallon
00:39:04of caramel apple soda
00:39:05I got the cramps too
00:39:06Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:07bitchy at it
00:39:08Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:09bitchy at it
00:39:10Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:11bitchy at it
00:39:12Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:13bitchy at it
00:39:14Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:15bitchy at it
00:39:16Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:17bitchy at it
00:39:18Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:19bitchy at it
00:39:20Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:21bitchy at it
00:39:22Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:23bitchy at it
00:39:24Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:25bitchy at it
00:39:26Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:27bitchy at it
00:39:28Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:29bitchy at it
00:39:30Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:31bitchy at it
00:39:32Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:33bitchy at it
00:39:34Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:35bitchy at it
00:39:36Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:37bitchy at it
00:39:38Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:39bitchy at it
00:39:40Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:41bitchy at it
00:39:42Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:43bitchy at it
00:39:44Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:45bitchy at it
00:39:46Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:47bitchy at it
00:39:48Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:49bitchy at it
00:39:50Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:51bitchy at it
00:39:52Sorry if I'm a little
00:39:53bitchy at it
00:39:55Jack, Jack, we got a real problem
00:39:58Ronald's cutting into our profits big time
00:40:01We gotta do something about it
00:40:06No honey, I told ya, I'm leaving the office
00:40:09I'll work my nose off today
00:40:15Hey, McPigface, you took my business, Ronnie
00:40:18Now I'm gonna take your life
00:40:20Hey, hey, let's talk about this
00:40:22Clown to clown
00:40:23Clown?
00:40:24All right then
00:40:29Die, pussy
00:40:45Jack even supplies our local schools
00:40:47with his garbage food
00:40:49and many prisons as well
00:40:51In a recent prison poll, we discovered
00:40:53that most prison riots erupted after
00:40:55the consumption of Jack's shit-filled food
00:41:04With Jack's formulated market strategies
00:41:06the kids today don't stand a chance
00:41:09Hey there, kids
00:41:10I'm gonna show you some pictures
00:41:12of some people
00:41:13and you try to guess who they are
00:41:16Okay?
00:41:17Okay
00:41:18Here's the first one
00:41:21George Washington
00:41:23I don't know
00:41:25Who might this be?
00:41:27I don't know
00:41:28George W. Bush
00:41:30Are you gay?
00:41:32Do you like pitching or catching?
00:41:35And this one?
00:41:37I don't know who that is
00:41:39Oh, that one, Jeremy
00:41:41Very good
00:41:42And how about this guy?
00:41:44Jack
00:41:45That's easy, that's Jack
00:41:48Very good
00:41:49Do you have any booze?
00:41:50Really, man?
00:41:51So obviously these kids know Jack
00:41:53and Ron Jeremy
00:42:10So, have you ever eaten at Jack's?
00:42:12Dude, only when I'm broke
00:42:13but that ain't been lately
00:42:15Any advice on staying slim?
00:42:17Hell, yeah
00:42:18Get off your fat ass
00:42:19and ride a bike or something, dude
00:42:21I mean, you gotta handle your scandal
00:42:29So, have you ever tried Jack's Big Tunk Burger?
00:42:33Yeah
00:42:34Once
00:42:36How was it?
00:42:38You kidding me?
00:42:39That shit was tougher
00:42:40than Lance Armstrong's scrotum
00:42:43Try that one
00:42:45Whatever it is
00:42:59Kids across the nation are being emotionally and physically terrorized
00:43:04by eating this trash
00:43:06and we're not gonna take it anymore
00:43:08Jack, you better watch your greasy ass
00:43:11They have some cool toys
00:43:13Jack's is famous for toddler-branded toys
00:43:15the dolls, the games
00:43:17there's Jack Gammon, Jackopoly
00:43:20and his latest video game, Jumpin' Jacks
00:43:24So, my little Martha comes home the other day
00:43:26with this kid's meals doll
00:43:28and she's playing with it
00:43:30and everything's going really well
00:43:32and then she starts to undress it, like kids do
00:43:35and...
00:43:37Oh my God, that just isn't right
00:43:39What are they doing over there?
00:43:42Oh ho ho ho ho
00:43:44This onslaught of marketing
00:43:46is aimed at grooming the new Biles
00:43:48to serve Jack for life
00:43:50Jack
00:43:52Well, time for your first blood test
00:43:55You nervous?
00:43:57Not even
00:43:58Shit
00:43:59I got more blood in my stool now
00:44:01than a poodle has pumping through its veins
00:44:05Jack wasn't always a total asshole
00:44:10but I do remember the day he snapped
00:44:13like it was yesterday
00:44:18Dad, can I go to the store?
00:44:21Sure, kids
00:44:23Just be careful crossing the street
00:44:26Ha ha ha ha
00:44:28Ha ha ha ha
00:44:30Ha ha ha ha
00:44:33Ha ha ha ha
00:44:35Shit
00:44:37Ha ha ha ha
00:44:54Good poor little shit
00:44:57What's going on in here?
00:44:59Are you giving away my secrets again?
00:45:02Jack, honey, relax
00:45:04Will you relax, you old fucker?
00:45:14Jack has even penetrated our school system
00:45:17I'm sorry
00:45:19I'm sorry
00:45:21I won't help
00:45:25What's the grossest thing you ever found in your food history?
00:45:29Um, hairs, that's all
00:45:32An ear, a human ear
00:45:35I ate it, I was hungry
00:45:37Maybe there's spit every once in a while
00:45:39That maggot, yeah, that was pretty bad
00:45:41There's like bone and blood and stuff
00:45:43How about the dead hamster?
00:45:46Well, one morning I woke up in bed
00:45:48and there was a pool of chili under me
00:45:50and, well, it might not have been chili, but...
00:45:54Uh, this is pretty much the worst piece of shit that I've ever had
00:46:00Have you experienced any psychological trauma from eating the food here?
00:46:07Yeah, at night I just lay awake
00:46:09and I just can't stop thinking about my impending death
00:46:13I have been sexually harassed to Jack's
00:46:15A man came at me with a fry in a sexual manner
00:46:18Have you ever met Jack?
00:46:20Yeah, he gave me an autograph
00:46:23On my last night
00:46:30Honey, how can you shovel this shit down these teenagers' necks?
00:46:34Well, it's pretty easy
00:46:36Give us money and we feed them
00:46:39But look, she's got two Big Top tacos
00:46:43cotton candy
00:46:45and a sideshow soda
00:46:47This is outrageous
00:46:49Yeah, and you know what else is outrageous?
00:46:51What's that?
00:46:52Your titties are bigger than hers
00:46:54I'm not answering any more questions
00:46:56Talk to Don Camposano
00:46:58He's our union food rep
00:47:01We feed all the schools in the neighborhood
00:47:03and most of the prisons in the state, too
00:47:06Come on, let's take a walk
00:47:11Hey, what's this in here?
00:47:13Uh, that's not...
00:47:14Oh my God, is that...
00:47:15That's sugar, isn't it?
00:47:17Hey, get out of here, huh?
00:47:19Can't a guy get a little privacy around here?
00:47:21It ain't sugar
00:47:25We don't know what's going on
00:47:28We've got some good shit here, man
00:47:30Oh yeah? Was this stuff frozen?
00:47:32Of course, how do you think we keep it fresh?
00:47:34So, can I see your freezer?
00:47:36Of course you can
00:47:38Let's go
00:47:42Okay, this is where the really good stuff
00:47:44for these little shitheads are
00:47:47This is the corn chips
00:47:49and, you know, tortillas
00:47:51all that white flour stuff
00:47:53that they love
00:47:56Now over here we've got
00:47:58the basic sweets
00:48:00white sugar, which is really, really good for them
00:48:03It messes with the teachers
00:48:05because it messes with their attention span
00:48:08Over here we have Jack's frozen hot wings
00:48:10I think he calls them his high wire hot wings
00:48:13or some shit like that
00:48:15Oh shit!
00:48:16Get that camera out of here!
00:48:18Get it out of here!
00:48:19Louie!
00:48:20Come on, man, this ain't funny!
00:48:22Louie! Wake up!
00:48:24Oh shit!
00:48:25Come on, man, this ain't funny!
00:48:31Jack's no good
00:48:32Last time I eat there
00:48:34my stomach feel like Bruce Lee punching
00:48:40I feel I eat the bad porno there
00:48:46Jack!
00:48:51Jack is no good!
00:48:54Jack is no good!
00:49:00Oh, let's see
00:49:02Ah, tasty local dish
00:49:04Yeah, give me the kung fu combo
00:49:07Yeah!
00:49:08We are out of it
00:49:10Can you order something else?
00:49:12Oh shit, man, that's the one I really want
00:49:14Don't you understand, Rao Ai?
00:49:16We are out of it!
00:49:17I told you to order something else, bitch!
00:49:20Do you have anything that's like that?
00:49:22Similar?
00:49:25Get the hell out of here, fuckface!
00:49:37And it seems that even the teachers and phys-ed instructors
00:49:40are poisoned by the Jack plague
00:49:43So, do you think our kids are getting enough exercise
00:49:45in our schoolyards these days?
00:49:47Oh, yeah
00:49:48Over here we got the boys' basketball
00:49:52And over here we got the girls' soccer
00:49:55Damn, I like to bend that like Beckham
00:49:58Do you like the food served here at school?
00:50:01Yeah, it's pretty good
00:50:02It's good
00:50:03What's your favorite thing to eat here?
00:50:05The Crazy Clown Kid's Meal
00:50:07Yeah, it's great
00:50:08We don't even have to go to Jack's anymore
00:50:10Exactly, the food comes to us
00:50:12Right here in the cafeteria
00:50:14It's sweet
00:50:15Come on now, you know these kids are getting jacked
00:50:18Just look at them
00:50:20Cooper, pass the goddamn ball, you little ball hog
00:50:23He's a hog, all right
00:50:25Coach, fast food is killing these innocent kids
00:50:28Listen, Mr. Movie Guy, whoever you think you are
00:50:31These are good kids
00:50:32The last thing we need is some wannabe biker fag
00:50:34coming around here and screwing things up
00:50:38And you smoke?
00:50:40Oh, yeah
00:50:41A lot?
00:50:42Yeah, I go through maybe two, three lighters a day
00:50:45Hey, smoke kids?
00:50:50The coach gets angry too much at us
00:50:52Yeah, we don't really like him
00:50:54He's a loser
00:50:55I hate him
00:50:56Anderson, put that hustler down and give me 20
00:50:59I don't think that kid can do push-ups right now
00:51:01Listen, this isn't healthy
00:51:03What are you talking about, Keith? He's unhealthy
00:51:06These kids are okay, you butt lick
00:51:08O to the K
00:51:10So why don't you take your handlebar mustache
00:51:13and ride it back to Frisco, you big homo
00:51:21Oh, shit
00:51:23Hey, time's up
00:51:25Get your fat asses inside
00:51:33They want pizza
00:51:35They want pizza
00:51:37Y'all want pizza
00:51:39Don't eat no pizza
00:51:41They want pizza
00:51:43They want pizza
00:51:45Does the public even realize what's in a sack of jam?
00:51:49I mean, we know that Jack targets the kids
00:51:52But what about us, the adults?
00:51:54So I went in search of a nutritional fact sheet at Jack's
00:51:58Hey, can I get a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:00Sure
00:52:05Do you have a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:07A who?
00:52:09Nutritional information sheet
00:52:11No, we don't
00:52:13Does your food have hormones in it?
00:52:15I can't believe it could happen to you
00:52:18Hi, can I get a nutrition sheet?
00:52:20What do you want to know?
00:52:22I want to know what's in Jack's food
00:52:24Shit
00:52:26Torn out foot pounds, roaches
00:52:28All kinds of nasty ass shit
00:52:30Well, you can see that Jack likes to hide the facts
00:52:33I couldn't find one lousy nutrition sheet anywhere
00:52:36Too many calories, I'm dry
00:52:39This is where the calories go
00:52:41So, in summation, as you can see from the charts
00:52:45Your company's profits have been in a sharp decline
00:52:47Much of the past year, except for a very small spike
00:52:50What happened there?
00:52:52Well, that's when your rival, Ronald McDoodle
00:52:54Was found dead lying on the pavement
00:52:56Now listen, the point is this
00:52:58Jack's is very image-challenged
00:53:00But that is why I'm here
00:53:02I'm going to help Jack's evoke a new, public-friendly image
00:53:06Listen, sugar-ass
00:53:08I find the last club like to try to fix my image
00:53:11Jack, wake up and smell the poontang
00:53:14Oh
00:53:15Bad press is murder in this business
00:53:17Why, just the other night, I saw some drop-out film school fag
00:53:21On the Orca show talking about how bad your food was for people to eat
00:53:24I don't watch that shitty show
00:53:26What you need is damage control
00:53:28B.S., what we need is a new sandwich
00:53:31Jack, you care to do the honors?
00:53:33Have a seat, Sally
00:53:35It's Sheila
00:53:36Oh, whatever
00:53:37Are you ready out there, Roxy?
00:53:40Introducing the new
00:53:42Jack Rabbit Burger
00:53:48Rabbit meat?
00:53:50Are you serious?
00:53:51It's lean, it's abundant
00:53:53It's cheap
00:53:55No way, you guys, the public will freak
00:53:57Listen, Shirley
00:53:59It's Sheila
00:54:00Whatever
00:54:02She hasn't even heard the slogan yet
00:54:05Alright, well, let's hear it
00:54:07The new Jack Rabbit Burger
00:54:10This time you'll be glad the rabbit died
00:54:14Yes!
00:54:15And this is your solution?
00:54:17Pumping toxic hormones into little bunny burgers?
00:54:21I'd rather be pumping that bunny
00:54:23That can be arranged
00:54:25And you got an awful big bush
00:54:27Trying to come in here and turn our business sideways
00:54:31No shit!
00:54:32Speaking of bush, I'd like to sink my teeth into that belk
00:54:36Yeah
00:54:37Done!
00:54:38For your information, boys
00:54:40I happen to have a degree in marketing and advertising
00:54:44I can't believe it
00:54:45What, that I have a degree?
00:54:47No, that you're still here
00:54:50Listen, dammit
00:54:52Give us a minute alone here, Roxy
00:54:54And leave the burger
00:54:56I want Miss Pang here to take a bite
00:54:59Hey, now come on
00:55:01Show us those bunny breaths
00:55:04Kapow!
00:55:06High five!
00:55:07That is it!
00:55:08I've had enough with both of you
00:55:14Oh, chill, Cheryl
00:55:16For the last time, it's Sheila, dickbrat!
00:55:19And I've got the floor now
00:55:21As for you, you big, ball-headed, egotistical
00:55:25Or should I say testicle, sad excuse for a circus clown
00:55:29Go ahead and run your company to the ground
00:55:31See if I care
00:55:32The worst that's going to happen is people might actually live a little bit longer
00:55:35I must have been smoking crack to think I could work with a couple of shitlicks like you
00:55:40Now wait a minute, we were just razzing you a little
00:55:45Suck my tit
00:55:53High five
00:55:56I've got a really big appetite
00:55:59Hey, can I get the bumper car bacon biscuit and the ponytail potato pieces?
00:56:06I've got a really big appetite
00:56:08I dream about eating everything at night
00:56:11Do you think I've got time to change my order?
00:56:14Well, the last time I saw this much trash was at my family reunion
00:56:18Oh, me why?
00:56:25Fuck yours, I'm not quitting now
00:56:29Yeah, I know it's only eight in the morning
00:56:32So I'm drinking a goddamn beer
00:56:34Get over it
00:56:48I don't know man
00:56:50I don't know if it's worth it
00:56:53My body's a wreck
00:56:56Then I got my first period
00:57:00That was a nightmare
00:57:05What the hell have I done?
00:57:08Fuck it
00:57:10So, you've been really down in the dumps, huh?
00:57:14Yeah
00:57:16Well if it's any consolation
00:57:19I must say that your jugs look faggots
00:57:22Thanks, that's a push-up bra
00:57:25I have a chart here
00:57:28I'm afraid the results aren't good
00:57:31Maura, do you want to end up a big fat bloated pig with a hog's face and an elephant's ass?
00:57:41Oh hey honey, I was just talking about you
00:57:45One second, it's my wife
00:57:47And there's only one item on Jack's menu that doesn't contain sugar or hormones
00:57:52It's the water
00:57:54Jack's secret circus water
00:57:59Some Jack's restaurants offer salads to appease the critics
00:58:03But the roughage is genetically modified and about as appetizing as, well, you get it
00:58:10Hop on up there
00:58:12I'm feeling a little bloated
00:58:14You look radiant, get up there
00:58:20See, it's only two pounds
00:58:22And I bet you that's all boobie
00:58:24Hey, aren't you going to buy me dinner first?
00:58:37Man, this stuff's like crack
00:58:40I was feeling horrible
00:58:42But once I got some Jack's in me, I was feeling alive again
00:58:52Oh honey, give me a beer
00:59:02Hey, get out of here man, I'm trying to back one out
00:59:07Oh mommy, I'm so scared
00:59:10Sing me that little song you used to sing me when I was five
00:59:14Oh you big fat pussy, suck it up
00:59:16The next thing you're going to tell me is you're growing tits
00:59:34As you can see, I now crave Jack's food all the time
00:59:38In fact, I've been having strange cravings a lot lately
00:59:41I hope that weirdo I met behind the homeless shelter didn't knock me out
00:59:46Not to mention I've gained quite a few pounds
00:59:49And sprouted some decent melons
00:59:54I'm in my favorite part of the day
00:59:56Laying around
00:59:58Eating Jack's
01:00:00Watching my tits grow
01:00:05Good times
01:00:09So we enlisted a couple of nutritionists to call Jack's headquarters
01:00:13And see if they could recommend any healthy items off their menu
01:00:17So how often do you recommend eating at Jack's?
01:00:20That depends, how long do you want to live?
01:00:23And what's the healthiest item I can eat at a Jack's restaurant?
01:00:27Probably the napkins
01:00:31But how could I have a tumor?
01:00:33I've only had them for a couple of weeks
01:00:36I keep trying to tell you it's Jack's crappy food
01:00:39A man your age should be having a vasectomy, not a mastectomy
01:00:44So you want to hear the good news?
01:00:46Sure
01:00:47We only have to remove one
01:00:49Oh great, so now I'm going to be running around town with just one tit swinging?
01:00:53Moron, don't worry
01:00:55It's a fairly simple procedure that I've performed on at least half a dozen farm animals
01:01:01Come on, don't be a pussy
01:01:06Jack Brains!
01:01:07Jack Brains!
01:01:09Jack Brains!
01:01:12Jack Brains!
01:01:15Jack Brains!
01:01:17Jack Brains!
01:01:19I was just getting attached to that thing
01:01:36Oh man
01:01:39I'm having hot flashes
01:01:42I just soiled the bed
01:01:44It's like two in the morning
01:01:47Oh boy, my bandages need changing
01:01:52I think I've finally hit rock bottom
01:01:54I've hit rock bottom
01:02:04I just ate a cheeseburger
01:02:25You screwed your life up
01:02:27Your body officially hates you
01:02:29Stop this before you die
01:02:33Gina, get your big butt in here and get me some coffee
01:02:40Yeah, I'm really scared
01:02:42I can't remember ever feeling this bad
01:02:44Except that time you wanted to experiment
01:02:47And that vibrator knocked out all my teeth
01:02:50Thanks honey, I love you too
01:02:55Alright, goodbye
01:03:07Years ago, I took an oath to look out for the best interest of my patients
01:03:13You know, I've been asking myself if I am indeed doing that
01:03:20See, Moron doesn't have any friends
01:03:25Except for maybe his own gutter slut mother
01:03:29And she's been in and out of jail throughout most of his pathetic life
01:03:38Now she's in a mental rehab facility out in Claremont
01:03:42No!
01:03:49And I think this whole experiment is a result of many years of pain and neglect
01:03:59Poor Moron
01:04:01Those who risk everything usually don't have much to live for
01:04:13Yes!
01:04:24As soon as I got out of San Quentin, the very first bus stop was right here
01:04:29So I got out and took a crap
01:04:31Right there
01:04:33So I came over to the counter and experienced my very first Big Top Burger
01:04:38Last year I ate 2,148 burgers
01:04:43I think I hold the world's record
01:04:45You ever run out of money and get a Big Top Jones?
01:04:48Hell no! One trip to the men's room I can make 20 bucks
01:04:52Same room I crapped in 10 years ago
01:04:55Call it fate
01:04:57Wow! Big Top Burger number 20,000
01:05:02Unreal!
01:05:09Oh!
01:05:14Thanks a lot Don
01:05:16Hey, you wanna make a quick 20 bucks?
01:05:25My artwork is all about Jack
01:05:28He fascinates me
01:05:30I spent hours on this masterpiece
01:05:33Nice
01:05:34This is me
01:05:37And this is Jack holding a sword
01:05:40He has me chained up so that I'll eat all the crumbs off his dirty floor
01:05:46Very nice
01:05:47This one
01:05:49Jack is bitch slapping me to kingdom come
01:05:53Because I spilled a jar of scalding hot mayonnaise all over his lap
01:05:59Cool
01:06:01Oh shit
01:06:03This one's not finished yet
01:06:08Put Jack on the bone I said
01:06:10Sorry pal, he went bowling
01:06:13Well you told him to jig his up
01:06:15Screw you
01:06:16Screw you too
01:06:19I mean this is hard for me to do
01:06:21I mean people need to know about Jack
01:06:23They need to know the truth
01:06:26See, back in college we used to eat Jack's all the time
01:06:32Who knew?
01:06:33Who knew?
01:06:34Who knew?
01:06:35Well I gotta go, it's time for my self breast exam
01:06:37I do one every hour
01:06:38You know, you can never be too careful
01:06:41Yeah, we traced the calls back to his trailer
01:06:44No shit!
01:06:51Hey moron!
01:06:52Whoa!
01:06:53You're bucking up the wrong bush queer bitch!
01:06:57Easy Jack, what are you talking about?
01:06:58The TV shows, the phone calls!
01:07:01That wasn't me, I don't even know your number
01:07:03Well I got yours punk!
01:07:05And if I got one more report of you snooping around
01:07:08I'll make panties out of your ass
01:07:11And soda out of your piss!
01:07:34Actually, he is one of our better dancers
01:07:41I dance for Jack
01:07:44I love Jack
01:07:52I'm crazy for Jack
01:08:04I dance for Jack
01:08:12Jack rules!
01:08:14Do you know where Jack's headquarters is?
01:08:16No, he's always in an office in his commercials
01:08:19I don't know where it is, is it San Diego? I don't know where it is
01:08:22Yeah, up the road, hang a left, follow the trail of dead animals
01:08:29So now we have what are called Jackheads
01:08:32These people that'll do just about anything to wolf down that next fight
01:08:35I mean just the other week I heard of these kids in Iowa
01:08:38That stabbed a Jack's employee in the neck with a sharpened corn dog stick
01:08:42Jack attacks, not a pretty sight
01:08:45Jackheads are popping up everywhere these days
01:08:48It's pretty scary, and no one really knows the long term effects of Jack's food
01:08:53When these hormones saturate our brain functions
01:08:56They confuse the neurotransmitters
01:08:58Causing severe mental derangement, mood swings, and anxiety
01:09:03In other words, it'll make you crazier than a cross-eyed crack whore
01:09:22Yeah, I was strung out on Jack's for years
01:09:26I still think about all the people I hurt when I was high on Jack's
01:09:29My friends, my old ladies
01:09:34I fractured my grandma's skull with a chain off a minibike for crying out loud
01:09:39Well actually, she kinda deserved it
01:09:42She took some of my fries, without asking
01:09:47Listen to me! Now you listen to me!
01:09:51Now you listen to me! I'm here with you!
01:09:54Every day is the same thing!
01:09:56You get up, you wash your ass, you eat your stick, and that's it
01:10:01Company gave me an restraining order to stay off their property, see?
01:10:05But I'm their only son
01:10:07My daddy Jack's a deadbeat, he says I'm not his, I'm not his
01:10:11And why do I look just like him, huh?
01:10:13And why do I look just like him, huh?
01:10:22My favorite song is Pasta or Muffin
01:10:25It goes a little bit like this
01:10:31Give me that bucket!
01:10:32Mary, you're wrong!
01:10:43You better run, you better run!
01:10:51I said I put the hell to that
01:10:58What the hell?
01:11:05I'm here to speak to Jack
01:11:07Sorry, can I help you?
01:11:08Come on, you sure you can't just let me see him?
01:11:10No
01:11:11Alright, there's nothing I can do
01:11:12You sure about that?
01:11:13Yeah, sorry I can't help you, you need to get out of here
01:11:15You sure there isn't something I can do?
01:11:17Nothing that comes to mind
01:11:18Yeah
01:11:28I finally done it! I got past security!
01:11:32Jack!
01:11:40Where's Jack?
01:11:41Uh, let me call you right back
01:11:43Who the hell are you?
01:11:45I'm your company's worst fear
01:11:49The FDA?
01:11:50No, I'm making a movie about the damage that your company does to America
01:11:54So what do you wanna know?
01:11:56Let's start with the simple questions first
01:11:59Okay
01:12:00How would you describe Jack's food?
01:12:05Bowel packing?
01:12:06I have something I wanna show you
01:12:08Hey, hey, hey, I'm married
01:12:10Holy Cyclops tip!
01:12:13What do you have to say about this?
01:12:16Where do you shop for bras?
01:12:18This is from the hormones in your fat-ridden food
01:12:21Hogwash! Fat-ridden?
01:12:23We have a lot of low-calorie items on our menu
01:12:27Do you even know what a calorie is?
01:12:29Calorie?
01:12:31Yeah, calorie
01:12:33Starts with a C and S
01:12:36Calorie
01:12:37Lettuce!
01:12:38Find out what a calorie is
01:12:40So how did such an imbecile get a job like this?
01:12:45Well, Times Sanitation Department really wasn't hiring
01:12:49Well, it's no secret
01:12:51You used to work for your competitors, McDoodles
01:12:56Well, okay, okay, you got me
01:12:58They let me go, but it couldn't happen to anybody
01:13:02Why?
01:13:03Money laundering, fraud, embezzlement, sexual harassment
01:13:08They dropped that one
01:13:10I gotta go
01:13:12Well, if you're waiting on the Food Channel, they're not coming
01:13:15Our food is an icon of health
01:13:19Come in, come in
01:13:20Just a second
01:13:22Sorry, Mr. Singer
01:13:23We finished making patties, our hands are killing us
01:13:26Can we take a break?
01:13:29Okay, take 20 minutes, but put down 30
01:13:33Okay
01:13:35Do any of you guys know what a calorie is?
01:13:38No
01:13:39Huh
01:13:40Okay, you can go
01:13:44It's a miracle these guys are even alive
01:13:47It's a miracle they even speak English
01:13:51Did you know Jack hires illegal aliens?
01:13:53No comprende
01:13:54Hey, get back here
01:13:56Come here
01:13:57I mean, how do you sleep at night?
01:13:59Usually in the nude
01:14:01I gotta go, I have an appointment
01:14:03So pack your shit and bounce, honky
01:14:15Why do you think there's no fast food joints in Beverly Hills?
01:14:18Because I think people in Beverly Hills are really snotty
01:14:20And they wouldn't go to a fast food
01:14:22They could afford something more expensive
01:14:24And so that's probably where they go
01:14:26Man, they ain't got no Jack Shacks in the 210
01:14:30They don't even feed that shit to their pets
01:14:38Just one more day to go
01:14:41As I reflect back on my experience
01:14:45I just wonder
01:14:48Was it all worth it?
01:15:03Come on, morons
01:15:04One more day to go
01:15:07Let's see how much you gain
01:15:10Wow
01:15:11You look good in diapers
01:15:17Oh, yeah
01:15:31Will that complete your order?
01:15:32Or would you like something else today, sir?
01:15:34Yeah, a side show salad, thank you
01:15:37Hey, motherfucker, give me some change
01:15:39Yeah, hold on
01:15:40I almost said give me some change, Peckerwood
01:15:43One second
01:15:44Yeah, Jack me
01:15:45I want to tell you, motherfucker
01:15:46I want to Jack you right now
01:15:47Jack me
01:15:50Jack me
01:15:53Jack me
01:15:55Jack me
01:15:58Jack me
01:16:01Jack me
01:16:04Fuck this
01:16:06Come on, Jack
01:16:07It's time to take this guy out
01:16:08What's the problem?
01:16:09The problem is
01:16:10He's my best customer
01:16:12Jack
01:16:13Let me handle it
01:16:14I got the stick
01:16:17Wait a minute
01:16:18That sounds a little weird
01:16:20I know what you mean
01:16:32Well, this is it
01:16:33The final test
01:16:35Over the course of 30 days
01:16:37I gained 28 pounds
01:16:39Puked my guts out
01:16:41Grew knockers
01:16:42Had one removed
01:16:44Shed a river of Jack juice
01:16:46Fashioned a diaper
01:16:48Got my ass kicked and carjacked
01:16:50Only one more meal to go
01:17:13Hey, hold on a minute
01:17:22What's wrong with you, boy?
01:17:24You look like you're having a bad life
01:17:26I guess so
01:17:28What do you mean you guess so?
01:17:29Hey, how would you feel about getting naked and watching Chuck Norris movies?
01:17:32Huh?
01:17:33Dad?
01:17:34Son?
01:17:35Pecker, don't leave him
01:17:37Son?
01:17:38Pecker, don't leave him
01:17:44Get your ass back in here, boy
01:17:46I need to talk to you
01:18:08Where is that dildo?
01:18:14Say goodbye, moron
01:18:17Say goodbye, moron
01:18:32What happened to him, man?
01:18:34Hey, look, it's Jack
01:18:37Hey, what happened?
01:18:39I don't know, man, he just keeled over
01:18:41Oh, God, it must have been something to eat
01:18:43We almost made it
01:19:14Oh, shit
01:19:16I've forgotten my Bible
01:19:18Does anyone have a Bible handy?
01:19:24Come on, Father, let's get this over with
01:19:27Really, man, I gotta take a crap
01:19:32Moron was a good man
01:19:34With lots of friends
01:19:36Yeah, right
01:19:39You are one funny guy, Doc
01:19:42Let's blow this graveyard and go get loaded
01:19:44Oh, Doctor, you put the fun in funeral
01:19:53I guess he won't be needing you anymore
01:19:56I guess he won't be needing you anymore
01:20:27I guess he won't be needing you anymore
01:20:35I guess he won't be needing you anymore
01:20:50Jack, breathe
01:20:53Jack, breathe
01:20:56Jack, breathe
01:20:59Jack, breathe
01:21:02Jack, breathe
01:21:05Jack, breathe
01:21:26Jack, breathe
01:21:56Jack, breathe
01:21:59Jack, breathe
01:22:02Jack, breathe
01:22:05Jack, breathe
01:22:08Jack, breathe
01:22:11Jack, breathe
01:22:14Jack, breathe
01:22:17Jack, breathe
01:22:20Jack, breathe
01:22:23Jack, breathe
01:22:26Jack, breathe
01:22:29Jack, breathe
01:22:32Jack, breathe
01:22:35Jack, breathe
01:22:38Jack, breathe
01:22:41Jack, breathe
01:22:44Jack, breathe
01:22:47Jack, breathe
01:22:50Jack, breathe
01:22:53Jack, breathe
01:22:56Jack, breathe
01:22:59Jack, breathe
01:23:02Jack, breathe
01:23:05Jack, breathe
01:23:08Jack, breathe
01:23:11Jack, breathe
01:23:14Jack, breathe
01:23:17Jack, breathe
01:23:20Jack, breathe
01:23:23Jack, breathe
01:23:56He picks his nose with the TV on I'm a pig now, baby, I'm a pig, pig, pig
01:24:16He smits his toes when he's feeling gone I'm a pig now, baby, dig
01:24:21He goes out on Friday night Takes off his pants cause he's alright
01:24:26Furred down, I'm twenty to go This two-ton turkey is ready to go, go, go
01:24:42In the gym the kids are holding their nose I'm a pig now, baby, dig
01:24:47But I don't care cause I got me old I'm a pig, I'm a pig
01:24:52Body odor is no concern When he goes shopping those noses turn
01:24:57Furred down, I'm forty to go This two-ton turkey is ready to go, go, go
01:25:05He's just a turkey, a two-ton turkey
01:25:11Yeah, it's a turkey
01:25:17Take three, go!
01:25:28Stick it!
01:25:34He doesn't care about mowing the lawn I'm a pig now, baby, I'm a pig, pig, pig
01:25:39He only cares about porking your mom I'm a pig now, baby, dig
01:25:44He goes out on Friday night Takes off his pants cause he's alright
01:25:49Furred down, I'm forty to go This two-ton turkey is ready to go, go, go
01:25:57He's just a turkey, a two-ton turkey