- 12 years ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hi, I'm Ian and I'm the Lonely Chef.
00:09We have a fabulously funny show for you in the next half an hour.
00:12At the end of the show there's a number and I want you to jot it down and call me because
00:16well I'm single and I'm looking for a date and possibly a relationship and who knows
00:22maybe even marriage.
00:23I'm looking to meet somebody special.
00:25I'm fabulously wealthy.
00:27I want to settle down and I want to share this wealth with that special person and just
00:31live happily ever after.
00:33So enjoy the show and hopefully we'll meet.
00:37Until we do, goodbye.
00:40Oh, one more thing.
00:43I do happen to lie an awful lot.
00:56Lonely, oh they're hoping you're the one who will change my life and make these dreams come true.
01:11Lonely, time goes on and on.
01:19Lonely, still searching for the one.
01:26I would sail the seven oceans and cross the burning sand.
01:34Till the day I find you, never to be lonely again.
01:49Hello, anybody there?
02:02I love me, I love me, I love me.
02:07When I first met me I fell in love with me.
02:12Cause that's the kind of guy I am.
02:17When I first saw me I fell in love with me because couldn't find anybody better.
02:27That's what heartbreak is all about.
02:47That's what heartbreak is all about.
03:17Well, you're probably wondering what a fantastic guy.
03:42Where's he coming from, right?
03:44With chest hair like this, who really cares?
03:49You see, my neighbor and myself, Chris, we put together this little act
03:55and we were spotted by a talent agent who's coming around to sign us to a wonderful deal.
04:00She's already, she doesn't really know this yet, but when we were playing at Robert De Niro's party the other night
04:07there was a record executive there from Capital and well, I actually got a 12 record deal.
04:13I buy the first one at $4 and pay regular price for the others.
04:17So anyway, stay tuned, we'll be right back in just a second. Bye-bye.
04:44Lady of Spain, I adore you. Take off...
04:51Well, anyway, I was just practicing a little song because I'm going out fishing later on.
04:56I hope I don't flounder at that.
05:01Thank you very much.
05:03Thank you, thank you, love you, love you, really do love you.
05:08Well, anyway, I'm going fishing, as I said, just for the halibut.
05:15And well, anyway, I thought I would go fishing and perhaps I'll go singing.
05:22But anyway, what I'll do is I'm going on a cruise ship actually and I've got this gig to do.
05:29There's a whole bunch of celebrities on there like Sharon Stone and Robert De Niro
05:34and I was actually at their party the other night and they caught me singing
05:37and I met this Capitol Records executive and he offered me a 12-record deal.
05:42And it's signed, sealed, delivered.
05:44I buy the first one at $4.95 and the rest over 12 months at the regular price.
05:52Hey, come on in there, Chris.
05:56Hey, Smoothie. Hey.
06:01You like my outfit?
06:03Come on in.
06:04Look at this, look at this, Ian.
06:06Oh, Smooth.
06:07Smoothie to the lounge.
06:10Cool, cool.
06:12You have to learn to say cool.
06:14Cool.
06:17Hey, that's really cool.
06:18Cool.
06:19Cool.
06:20Cool.
06:21Oh, wow.
06:22Hey, nice hair.
06:23Where'd you buy it?
06:24It's cool.
06:25No, I just rub a zucchini over my chest every morning before I wake up and this is what happens.
06:31Just on your chest?
06:32You also get big zucchinis.
06:36So, anyway, I'm glad you came over, Chris, and agreed to do this because this is the chance of a lifetime for you.
06:43And women love this thing.
06:44Women love it?
06:45Women love this sort of thing.
06:46Oh, good.
06:47It's good because I have a talent agent coming over and she is specifically looking for a wonderful lounge act with two people.
06:56And this is your chance at stardom.
06:59What am I going to do?
07:01Well, you're going to sing with me.
07:03You're going to let me sing?
07:04Yeah.
07:05Yeah.
07:06Not just flip the music sheets anymore?
07:07No.
07:08You are going to get to sing with me in front of a talent agency.
07:12She's a talent agent.
07:13She's from the largest talent agency in the world.
07:16It's called Jameson Talent Agents.
07:20And she is going to book us into some really big private parties with people like Sharon Stone and Robert De Niro, Tom Cruise,
07:30all of those people.
07:31What do you think of that?
07:33Yeah, it's exciting, isn't it?
07:34You're speechless, aren't you?
07:35Yeah.
07:36Are you going to sing like that?
07:37Me with those people?
07:39Yeah.
07:41What?
07:43Me with Sharon Stone?
07:44I don't know.
07:47Well, anyway, listen, while you're thinking about that, watch what I'm doing with this pork chop recipe.
07:52I've stuffed a couple of these already.
07:54And what I'm going to do is I'm going to put them into a nice sort of garlic butter type of thing here.
08:00Squish a couple of these little things.
08:03Mash them up.
08:04Just throw them in.
08:05That's what you do.
08:06Women like that kind of thing.
08:07They like that affirmative action type of thing.
08:09You know, you don't sort of mess around and say, well, what should I do with this?
08:12What should I do with that?
08:14Shall I do this?
08:15Shall I do that?
08:16No.
08:17What you do is say, well, maybe I should do this.
08:21Maybe I should do this?
08:22Yeah.
08:23There's always a word that women love.
08:25Because they don't know what you're saying.
08:26That's right.
08:27Okay, I got it.
08:28And that's what you can build a good relationship on.
08:30If they don't know what you're saying, then they can never get you at anything.
08:33That's right.
08:34I like it.
08:35It's perfect.
08:36Okay.
08:37So, anyway, what we do is we slice these little things.
08:40Now, I've made an incision.
08:41And you can see here, I've made an incision down here.
08:43And I'll just cut that a little more.
08:46You see there?
08:47Like that.
08:48And I'll do this one here.
08:49Just cut this down a little more.
08:51Like so.
08:52See?
08:53And we stuff these.
08:54Put some parsley in there.
08:55Just stuff that in with parsley.
08:56Parsley.
08:57Parsley.
08:58You say paw-slee.
08:59I say paw-slee.
09:00Parsley.
09:01Parsley.
09:02Parsley.
09:03Okay.
09:04Parsley is an English word.
09:05I mean, parsley comes from England.
09:06Did you know that?
09:07No, I didn't know that.
09:09I had no idea that parsley came from Pritten.
09:12From Pritten?
09:16From Britten.
09:17Pritten.
09:18Yes.
09:19Oh, from Britten.
09:20Yes.
09:21Parsley was actually invented as a plant in Britten.
09:24It actually originated from a private farm in Dorset.
09:28Yeah, I'll write that down some other day.
09:31It actually originated from a private farm in Dorset, which I happen to own.
09:35And we've been marketing parsley ever since we've produced it.
09:40Have you?
09:41Yes.
09:42Have you been marketing your parsley with pasta by any chance?
09:44Yes, and it's wonderful.
09:45I would think so.
09:46And look what I'm doing here.
09:47Can you smell this now?
09:48Can you smell that?
09:49Perfect.
09:50Perfect, isn't it?
09:51And we throw some parsley in there like so.
09:53Oh, yes.
09:54And what else do I need to do?
09:56I've thrown some parsley in there.
09:57Yes, with your butter.
09:59And I need to put some ginger in there.
10:01That's what I need to do.
10:02Ginger?
10:03What does that do?
10:04Well, try this.
10:05Try this.
10:06Just try it.
10:07Just try it.
10:08Just nibble it.
10:09Oh, it's hot, isn't it?
10:11Very pungent.
10:12Yeah, pungent.
10:13Pungent parsley and ginger.
10:16From Pritten.
10:18I don't think you're supposed to eat this raw.
10:20I don't think so either.
10:22I'm going to write that down.
10:25I don't think I need to.
10:27I'll never forget that.
10:29Oh, but isn't it...
10:30Ooh-ah.
10:31Yeah, ooh-ah.
10:32Now, that's what...
10:33Was it Robert De Niro that used to say that?
10:35The smell of a woman or something?
10:37No.
10:38Actually, it was Al Pacini.
10:41Al Pacini.
10:42Al Pacini.
10:43Al Pacini.
10:44Al Pacini.
10:45It was Al Pacini.
10:46Al Pacini.
10:47Al Pacini and the scent of a woman.
10:49What did he used to say?
10:51Hoo-ah.
10:52Hoo-ah.
10:53Yeah, that's what you could say when you eat a little bit of raw ginger.
10:56Hoo-ah.
11:01Anyway, we'll put a little tomato in here.
11:04And we just put very, very thin slices into the pan.
11:08The reason for that is that I only have one tomato left.
11:12And I've got to make enough for...
11:14They're very personal.
11:15Yeah, but we throw that in there like so.
11:17Just spread that.
11:18Now, listen to that.
11:19Listen to that sizzle.
11:20Listen to that sizzle.
11:21Isn't that nice?
11:22So you're just throwing the tomatoes in.
11:24Yeah.
11:25Now, one of the things that I like to do,
11:27you never see me really add too much salt and pepper
11:29because, well, this is a low-budget show.
11:34I thought I heard drums and a cymbal there somewhere,
11:36but maybe I didn't.
11:37Maybe it's just...
11:39Oh, there it is.
11:40The drummer was apparently asleep somewhere.
11:43Well, I have actually a guest from the Rolling Stones,
11:46the drummer.
11:47He's staying in the bedroom.
11:48Is he?
11:49Is he going to be wheeled out later on?
11:52Yeah.
11:53The Rolling Stones!
11:55On their Weezer tour.
11:56There you go.
11:59Look, it's Mick Jagger on his walker.
12:01Quick, get his autograph.
12:08That's very good.
12:09Yeah.
12:10Mick Jagger on his walker.
12:11Yeah.
12:13I'm jumping jack.
12:16Fresh!
12:18All right, we'll be back in just a minute,
12:20so stay tuned.
12:21We'll have our wonderful lounge act coming right to you.
12:42Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go
12:49With a shovel and a pick and a walking stick
12:52Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho
12:56It's off to work we go
12:58With a shovel and a pick and a walking stick
13:00Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho
13:03And this is going to work with the women?
13:05Oh, it's fabulous.
13:06Yeah, they swoon, you know.
13:07We wait, you know, I learned a lot from Tom Jones.
13:10You did?
13:11Yeah.
13:12And, you know, a lot of women used to throw
13:14certain undergarments towards Tom Jones.
13:17I've heard that, yes.
13:18Yeah.
13:19Well, my gimmick is that I throw my underwear to them.
13:23And I happen to have a pair of my little black shorts,
13:28and I would just grab it, baby.
13:33Oh, I want to do that too, but I don't wear underwear.
13:36Oh.
13:38Well, let me get the pasta for the fridge here.
13:42Okay.
13:51Those naughty little people,
13:53those little pixies have been here.
13:57Right.
13:59What's so funny?
14:00Well, see this thing here?
14:02Oh, I see.
14:03I mean this.
14:04That's what I mean.
14:05Nice.
14:09They are so naughty.
14:12So you just throw it?
14:14Throw it.
14:15You can never have enough parsley.
14:17No, you can't have enough parsley.
14:19The more parsley you have, the better it is.
14:22The better it is with pasta.
14:23Now, I've got some pasta.
14:27Some pasta, which I'm going to put in my water.
14:30Pan.
14:31Pan, in the pan.
14:33And we just let that go for a couple of minutes there,
14:35and just get that all sort of nice and stuffed.
14:38But what I want to do,
14:39can you pass me that savory in that basket there,
14:41that big bush of stuff?
14:43This one here?
14:44Yeah, yeah.
14:45There you go.
14:46Okay.
14:47Now, you remember what I did a couple of meals ago?
14:48We just beat this.
14:49Oh, yes.
14:50Beat it.
14:51I love that.
14:52Isn't that wonderful?
14:53It smells so good.
14:54Smell that.
14:55Yes, it's just, I think, you know,
14:56spreading it around the kitchen too,
14:57that always helps out.
14:58Yeah.
14:59It makes the kitchen smell good.
15:00Lovely.
15:01Yes, it does.
15:03So, anyway, we've got this wonderful savory smell,
15:05and you just bang that on the meat like that,
15:07and it's nice and fresh.
15:08It's wonderful.
15:09It's fresh.
15:10It's gorgeous.
15:11Just smell that.
15:12Smell that.
15:13Smell that.
15:14That's so delicious.
15:15Now, how long do you leave the pork chops on?
15:17Well, probably about, oh, depending on how thick they are.
15:20Now, these are about, oh, probably about 10 minutes a side.
15:23Oh, each side.
15:24So you don't cook it at a real high temperature.
15:26No, just put it on low there, and just let it cook,
15:29and the pasta is just bubbling away.
15:31It's just bubbling away here.
15:32Uh-huh.
15:33And so we're ready to go.
15:35What we should do is serve this up with some herbs and spices
15:38into the pasta as well as the pork chops,
15:41and we have ourselves a wonderful, a wonderful meal.
15:54See my eyebrows?
15:55They look like two caterpillars having a fight.
15:59Oh, she's here.
16:00This agent is here.
16:02Let me turn this right down.
16:04Oh, hi, Andrea.
16:06How are you?
16:07Hello.
16:13Kissy-poo, kissy-poo, Hollywood-ish, Hollywood-ish.
16:18Brisbane, Australia, Rome, Tokyo, London, Australia.
16:22Hello.
16:23Oh, hello.
16:24How are you?
16:25Listen, somebody sent me a boobie.
16:26I don't have time.
16:27You're Ian?
16:28Yes, that's right.
16:29Okay, now.
16:30Yeah, that's me.
16:31You've heard of me.
16:32They said you've got an act.
16:33You've got an act.
16:34Oh, yeah, I got an act.
16:35I'm sure you do.
16:36Anyway, I want to see what you're going to do for me.
16:37Oh, well.
16:38I don't have a lot of time, and I want to see.
16:41I've been told you're the best.
16:43Oh.
16:44Oh, my God.
16:45What am I doing here?
16:46My face.
16:47Oh, my God.
16:48Well, I am the best, and this is my piano here.
16:50Would you like to put your bag down?
16:52Can I take your bag?
16:53Sure.
16:54I'll keep it right here.
16:55Just relax up here.
16:56I'll keep it right here.
16:57I'll play you a little song.
16:58You have another one?
16:59Oh, it's a duet.
17:00It's a double duo.
17:01That would make four.
17:02That's a single duo.
17:03Hello.
17:04Hello.
17:05It's nice to meet you.
17:06Yeah, I'm sure.
17:07I'm a singer.
17:08Oh, good.
17:09What do you sing?
17:10Please.
17:11Words.
17:12I sing words.
17:13Okay, what kind?
17:14Well, we've written a song, especially for you.
17:15This is for real?
17:16This is for real.
17:17One of my friends didn't do this.
17:18I don't have time.
17:19I don't have time.
17:20Time?
17:21Time.
17:22I don't have time.
17:23I don't have time.
17:24I don't have time.
17:25I don't have time.
17:26I don't have time.
17:27Time?
17:28Time.
17:29Time?
17:30Time.
17:31What's the matter?
17:32Time!
17:33Time!
17:34Time!
17:35We've got Sage.
17:36Time!
17:37You don't speak English.
17:38Time!
17:39I'm talking time.
17:40She wants some time.
17:41She's got to time some time.
17:42I'm talking time!
17:44Time!
17:45Time!
17:46Time?
17:47Okay, let me hear you.
17:48I heard the best.
17:49Only the best.
17:50I want to hear.
17:51Okay, are you ready for this?
17:52Yeah.
17:53A one.
17:54A two.
17:55A three.
17:56A four, a five, a six.
18:02Hit it, Chris.
18:03When?
18:04Anytime.
18:05Okay.
18:08And now the meat has thawed, the wine is poured.
18:14It's time to prepare the dinner.
18:19I only broil, I never fry.
18:23Because broiling keeps me thinner.
18:30You can tell me what to do.
18:33Even show me a recipe or two.
18:37It makes no difference what you say.
18:40Because when the dinner's done, I can say,
18:45I cooked it my way.
18:57I have to tell you, in my whole life I've never heard anything like this.
19:05It makes you feel like there's something left to life.
19:09It's not here, but there's something left.
19:12You know, I have an idea.
19:13I have a wonderful program planned.
19:16Wonderful program.
19:18You're a team, huh?
19:22A dog commercial.
19:24You can be the stars, sort of.
19:28A dog commercial?
19:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:30We've got the hair.
19:32And you can act, and you can...
19:36Do you have to sing?
19:37Yeah.
19:38Okay.
19:39Let's talk about this over a wonderful meal that I've prepared for you.
19:42It'll be ready in just a second.
20:08With me
20:12Yes, indeed, how wonderful it can be, being here with me.
20:19Are you impressed?
20:20Well, yes.
20:23I just needed a little time.
20:25Well, this is so different.
20:28I know.
20:29We call it backstage music.
20:32It's a new trend.
20:33We never appear in public.
20:35We always stay backstage.
20:37That way we have a sort of a captive audience.
20:40Good.
20:41But anyway, let me tell you about this recipe here
20:44because it's a wonderful stuffed pork loin,
20:48and it has these wonderful herbs and spices.
20:53Can I feed you a little here?
20:55Can I tempt you?
20:56Yes, it looks so good.
20:59Okay, well, let's talk deals here.
21:01All right.
21:02Deals, deals.
21:03I understand that Michael Jackson got $60 million
21:06for his latest commitment to albums.
21:09And I think that would be a good starting point for me.
21:13Ian, look.
21:15I'm not talking about Chris.
21:16That's just me.
21:17Let me taste your pork.
21:28Go ahead, quick.
21:29A little more.
21:30Oh, a little more?
21:31No, not the pork.
21:32This is a big pork.
21:33I just want to taste it.
21:34A little pork.
21:37Boy, what a man.
21:41There we go.
21:42Now try some of that.
21:43It's delicious.
21:44It's wonderful.
21:45Just try a little of that.
21:47So how long have you been in the agenting business?
21:51Ian, I can't tell you that.
21:54Why?
21:55Well, I've been in it for about 20 years.
21:5820 years?
21:5920 years.
22:00Who are some of your clients?
22:02Well, I discovered Meryl Streep.
22:05I want you to know.
22:06Did you really?
22:07I discovered Meryl Streep.
22:08Did you really?
22:09I won't tell you where I discovered her.
22:10Yes!
22:11Yes!
22:12Chris, she discovered Meryl Streep.
22:13Yes!
22:14Got to taste.
22:19What do you think?
22:20What do you think?
22:21Yeah?
22:25You're wonderful.
22:26I've been discovered.
22:27I'm coming for you, Meryl.
22:30Ian, you should have a cooking.
22:33This is so good.
22:34This is so good.
22:35I'm telling you.
22:36I have to tell my Auntie Ethel.
22:39Isn't it good?
22:40Oi!
22:41Oi!
22:42Oi!
22:43Oi!
22:44It's not oi.
22:45Oi!
22:46It's not oi.
22:47It's a pork oi.
22:48No, it doesn't go oi.
22:49Oi.
22:50It's a pork chop.
22:51Ian.
22:52It doesn't go oi.
22:53You have golden hands.
22:54I'm telling you.
22:55I'm telling you you have golden hands.
22:56Chris, I have golden hands.
22:58I have golden hands.
23:00Oi.
23:01I'm rich.
23:02I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams.
23:05I'm rich.
23:06They're all mine too.
23:08They're mine.
23:10Mine.
23:11Eat, boobie.
23:12Eat.
23:13Oh, all right.
23:14Okay, so how long else have you been in the age-ending business?
23:18What?
23:21If you would like to order a copy of the Lonely Chef's Recipes for Romance,
23:25then pick up the phone right now and call 1-800-665-2433 and have your credit card ready.