00:00Good evening, that's 24 emergency, can I help?
00:06Hello, is that the veterinary surgery?
00:08It is.
00:09Okay, fantastic. I've got a shih tzu called Toodles. I was just wondering if I could talk to you about him.
00:15Ever since Saturday night, really, he's not been himself at all.
00:18Okay.
00:19My suspicions first arose when I saw him vibrating across the kitchen floor like an Ewok doing a breakdance.
00:27It wasn't pleasant. It appears somebody has put a sexual device of some kind, like a vibrator, up Toodles' arsehole.
00:34Right, okay.
00:36I tried to retrieve the device myself with my fingers. Toodles isn't having any of it.
00:41I don't know whether he's in pain or whether he's enjoying it. Let's face it, if he's anything like Daddy, he could be.
00:47Well, if what you're telling me is true, then yes, he needs to be seen.
00:50Yes, I thought as much. I mean, I didn't know whether to try to retrieve the device myself.
00:55I mean, I've got a fountain pen. Maybe I could just try and prise it out.
00:58No, no, no, I wouldn't advise that. All I would suggest is that he comes to the vet.
01:03I mean, I've got an axe minced to carpet and I don't want him exploding with shit all over that.
01:07Let me just stop you there. You've got two choices here.
01:10One, if you're wasting my time, I don't appreciate it.
01:12Yes.
01:13And two, if this is true, then you need to come down straight to me.
01:15I'm not wasting your time at all. It's my poor Toodles.
01:18Right, okay.
01:19You should see the device. It appears to be a bullet from the Ann Summers catalogue.
01:24Retails at about $28.99. It's quite a piece of machinery, I can tell you that.
01:29It's like a fucking Kango.
01:31I don't know whether they got it from Ann Summers or HSS Hire, but I'm not happy.
01:35My son Jimmy's gone missing. Went up on the roof earlier.
01:38They fucking nicked him, raising him as one of their own.
01:41But yes, it just really is quite stressful at the moment.
