00:00I get irritated very fast. Small things make me mad. This is not a joke. This is an example because I want you to understand what I'm saying.
00:06I don't like it when people eat and sweat at the same time. I don't fucking like it.
00:10I don't fucking like it. Like if somebody's eating, while they eat, they're like,
00:13I'll punch you in the fucking face. If I'm there, I swear to God, I'll punch you in the fucking face.
00:18Slow that!
00:20Ain't nobody gonna take that food from you. Slow that!
00:24Tell you what else I don't like. You're not gonna like it, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.
00:27I recently realized that I don't have any patience for unattractive people. There, I said it.
00:32That's how I feel. I know when you first hear it, it's a blow. It's a blow at first.
00:37I ask that you stay with me, okay? Stay with me until the end.
00:40I feel like they're very needy. Unattractive people are very needy. They always want something.
00:46Excuse me. Excuse me.
00:50Excuse me. You know where I can... No, I don't. No.
00:54No. No.
00:55No. I treat them like fucking cats. Get your ass out of here.
01:00Get out of here. You better get.
01:05It's too much.
01:07It's too fucking much. Let me tell you where the joke came from so you don't think I'm a dick, okay?
01:11I was at the bank, right? I get down at the bank. I'm in my car. I'm about to pull out the parking lot.
01:15You gotta stop at the little parking booth, right? You gotta get a guy your ticket.
01:18I go to get a guy my ticket. He slides a glass back. Sticks his head out. Very unattractive man.
01:22Whatever.
01:23He sees me. When he saw me, he lost it. He got excited.
01:27He's like, uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
01:29This is...
01:29Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
01:33Uh-uh. Made that ugly-ass face right in my fucking face.
01:38Kevin Hart of my bank. You gotta be kidding me.
01:40He's like, I'm not letting you out here until you tell me why you chose us.
01:43Why us? Why you bank with us?
01:45Why'd you choose us as your financial institution?
01:48I couldn't believe what the fuck I heard. I said, I don't have time for this shit.
01:52Press the button. Let me the fuck out of here. I don't have time.
01:56He did it again. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
01:59I ain't letting you out here until you tell me why us.
02:01Why'd you choose us? Why us? Why'd you choose us?
02:04Kept saying us. I told you, I don't have any patience.
02:07I fucking lost it. I snapped. I said, stop saying us.
02:10You don't got shit to do with that goddamn bank.
02:11This parking lot ain't got shit to do with that bank.
02:14Hit the button. Let me the fuck up out of here.
02:18This is when I got mad. He looked me in the eye.
02:19He said, I got all day, Kevin Hart. All day.
02:23I realized he's not playing. He's not gonna let me out.
02:25I gotta answer this fucking question.
02:27Okay, fine. You wanna know why I chose this bank?
02:28Your customer service. Loan rates. Free checking.
02:31There you go. That's why. That's why I chose y'all.
02:33This is what pissed me off.
02:35He goes, that's all you have to say with your little ugly ass.
02:37I said, what'd you just say?
02:39The fuck did you just say to me?
02:41Get your ugly ass out of my line.
02:43He hit the button. I had to pull off.
02:47Now I'm pissed.
02:48I'm not ugly. You ugly.
02:50I'm fucking pissed.
02:55I stopped at Chipotle two blocks up.
02:58It's a long line in Chipotle.
03:00Now I'm even more irritated.
03:01I'm only in this long ass line because of that unattractive ass conversation.
03:05While I'm standing in line, the woman behind me goes,
03:08oh my God, day is such a nice day. It's so beautiful outside.
03:10I'm about to fucking snap.
03:11I'm gonna lose it.
03:12I'm gonna fucking snap.
03:13I'm gonna turn around. I'm gonna let this goddamn woman have it.
03:15I turn around. I see her.
03:16This is by far one of the most attractive women I've ever seen in my fucking life.
03:19She was gorgeous.
03:20Immediately. Instantly.
03:22I had time. I had fucking time.
03:25I said, you know what?
03:26It is a nice day. It's so nice outside.
03:29I turned into a fucking weatherman.
03:31I said, what we need is rain.
03:32We ain't had no rain in the middle.
03:34She said, I wasn't even talking to you.
03:36Turn her back on me.
03:38What the fuck?
03:40Oh no, no. That is not acceptable.
03:42Excuse me.
03:44Excuse me.
03:45Excuse me.
03:47Excuse me.
03:48She turned around.
03:48What?
03:50Ah!
03:53Ah.
03:58Ah.
04:00I just want...
04:02I just want to know what made you choose Chipotle as your place for lunch today.
04:10She said, I'm not telling you that.
04:11I said, uh-uh.
04:12Uh-uh.
04:12Uh-uh.
04:13I was an unattractive person in that conversation.
04:18God flipped it on me that fast.
04:19Let me tell you something, people.
04:20No matter how good you think you look, I promise you that you don't look that fucking good.
04:24I promise you, something will happen in life to show you that you don't look that fucking good.
04:30My wife gave me a reality check.
04:32We was in the bed watching TV.
04:34Commercial came on with the little monster from Lord of the Rings.
04:36Schmeagle.
04:37I think that's his name.
04:38Schmeagle.
04:39He was doing this shit right here.
04:40You know the little monster?
04:41That's who he did.
04:42He was doing this shit.
04:42My wife said, oh my God, babe, you be doing that.
04:45I said, bitch, what did you just say to me?
04:48What the fuck did you just say?
04:50You be doing that in the morning.
04:52Bitch, I ain't never get no shit like that damn back out there, right?
04:55Call me a fucking monster to my goddamn face.
04:58Call me a fucking monster to my fucking monster.
05:19Bye.
05:20Bye.
05:21Bye.
05:22Bye.
05:23Bye.
05:24Bye.
05:25Bye.
05:26Bye.
