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Master Mixer
  • 11 months ago
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00:00I struggled against the ropes, feeling the chair roll slightly beneath me.
00:07A cold breeze hit my face, and even my toes felt cold.
00:12Wait, were my shoes off?
00:14Hello? Is anyone there?
00:16If this is a prank show, you guys took it way too far!
00:19Suddenly, the blindfold was yanked from my face,
00:22and I realized I was on a rooftop with no boundary walls.
00:27And standing before me was a tall woman, smiling like she was about to enjoy torturing me.
00:34Josie Hart. So you're Alexander Kingston's new girlfriend.
00:39Though I cannot understand why he dates so beneath his league.
00:44Uh, yeah, I get why you're confused. I really do.
00:49But that's no reason to kidnap me.
00:51We can discuss this on the ground floor of a really nice cafe.
00:54My treat.
00:57My heart jumped into my throat as she kicked my chair closer to the edge.
01:03How much do you love, Alexander?
01:06Oh my god, are you one of his exes?
01:08I swear, I don't love him, and I know he doesn't even like me.
01:12We're just pretend dating.
01:14Pretend dating?
01:16Yes, completely fake.
01:18Why would he date me for real?
01:20I'm no one important.
01:21I can't even pass the bar exam.
01:24I failed three times.
01:26Yes.
01:27I did a background check.
01:28I know you're a loser.
01:31Also, you're just as heavy as you look in your pictures.
01:34I thought the camera was adding ten pounds.
01:37Look, you obviously don't relate.
01:39But some of us eat carbs when we're stressed.
01:41Like, I could really use a family-sized bag of chips right now.
01:45Please stop.
01:46Why are you ruining your lovely Gota Buzz kicking me around?
01:49My what?
01:51You know, your Gota Buzz.
01:54My sister has the same designer heels.
01:56I'd hate for you to scuff them.
01:58Okay, I'm shutting up.
01:59Just tell me what you want.
02:00Josie, since you're suddenly Alexander Kingston's new sweetheart, fake or real, I don't care, you're going to help us retrieve something from him.
02:12Something?
02:13Like, his soul?
02:14His dignity?
02:15He lost at the moment he met me.
02:17Lolz.
02:18No.
02:20He recently bought an artifact at an auction that once belonged to our family.
02:24And it holds something very important to us.
02:28What?
02:29Sentimental value?
02:30Ha ha ha ha.
02:32Sorry.
02:33Humor is my coping mechanism.
02:34She smiled coldly and gave my chair another nudge.
02:38My feet dangled over the rooftop's edge.
02:40Oh my god, I'll get the artifact!
02:42I'll rob him blind!
02:43I'll even lose ten pounds!
02:45Don't let me die!
02:46I haven't arranged anyone to clear my browser history!
02:48And please, don't let my family find my body in these stockings!
02:53Wondering how I ended up like this?
02:55Literally hanging on to dear life?
02:56Let me rewind and show you exactly how I became the Mafia's most unimpressive hostage.
03:02Not that my life's been smooth sailing before this.
03:05But things seriously started spiraling last month.
03:09The morning I had my third attempt at the bar exam.
03:12And it's not like I'm dumb or something.
03:14It's just that whenever I'm under pressure, my brain decides to take a hike.
03:19That morning, I jolted awake to total silence, instantly realizing my alarm didn't go off
03:26because Lord Voldemiao had drowned my phone in his water bowl.
03:31Why do you hate me?
03:32I picked you up from the garbage and made you a prince!
03:35I grabbed my bag and bolted out the door.
03:38Of course I missed the bus, stole my seven-year-old neighbor's tricycle,
03:43pedaled furiously to the exam venue, and still didn't make it on time.
03:47The security guard just wouldn't let me in!
03:50Please, I'm begging you.
03:52I'll name my firstborn after you.
03:54Actually, I can change Lord Voldemiao's name today.
03:58He just stared at me like I was crazy and walked off.
04:01As I sank to my knees in despair, I noticed a guy approaching me with a smile.
04:07Oh god, he's cute!
04:09This fell out of your bag.
04:11Can you please just walk away and pretend you never met me?
04:13As if I hadn't had enough humiliation for a year, the next evening, I had Thanksgiving dinner with my family.
04:21My very accomplished, very overachieving family.
04:25Okay, everyone.
04:27Let's take turns saying what we're thankful for.
04:30Please just let the turkey explode or something.
04:32I'm thankful your father and I just completed our groundbreaking anti-aging research on mice.
04:40In a few years, we'll look young enough for people to mistake Josie for our mom.
04:46My older sister, Emily, smiled smugly.
04:50I'm thankful I got to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming an astronaut and going to space this year.
04:58They say the sky's the limit, but clearly it's not.
05:02Cousin Ava chirped in next.
05:04I'm thankful I married the love of my life in a magical castle wedding in Scotland.
05:11Fairytale dreams do come true.
05:13Next, my brother Lucas announced,
05:16I'm thankful that Forbes listed me in there 30 under 30 again.
05:21Oh, for crying out loud.
05:23Then everyone turned to me.
05:25I'm thankful that this is the year I decided to grow my own herbs.
05:31The parsley and basil keep dying on me, but the mint is thriving.
05:36I have it with my instant noodles, my eggs, of course it's great with chocolate, makes good tea, and I have minty fresh breath all the time.
05:47Josie, honey, your time will come too.
05:50Thanks, Dad.
05:50You make me sound like an avocado waiting to ripen.
05:53Speaking of unripened avocados, we heard you tanked the bar exam again.
05:59How did that remind you of that?
06:01Anything interesting going on in your love life to distract you from your career failures?
06:07As everyone stared at me, I felt my cheeks and neck burning.
06:12Just then, I spotted the muted TV behind Dad's head.
06:15Alexander Kingston was on screen, smiling and shaking hands at some charity gala.
06:21He was the billionaire heir who had just returned to town to take over his family's luxury hotel empire.
06:27My best friend Mia, who worked as a secretary in his office, was swooning over him, like, 24-7.
06:34And suddenly, words I didn't know my brain had decided on flew out of my mouth.
06:39Oh, actually, yes.
06:42I am dating someone.
06:44And it's pretty serious.
06:46It's him.
06:47Him who?
06:48Josie, imaginary boyfriends are only cute when you're five years old.
06:52Him?
06:53Alexander Kingston?
06:54I was both thrilled and a little offended at the disbelief on everyone's faces.
07:00The guy on TV right now?
07:02Yep.
07:03That's my boyfriend.
07:05My very serious boyfriend of three months.
07:08Mia works for him.
07:09She introduced us.
07:10We've been keeping it on the down low because he's a public figure, so keep it to yourselves for now.
07:16But I'll send pictures of us in the family group chat.
07:19Surely I could bribe Mia into getting me a few chummy selfies with him.
07:23Uh, wow.
07:25Can't wait.
07:26Also, I'm visiting your town next week.
07:28I'd love to meet him.
07:30Even better.
07:32He'd love to meet you, too.
07:34Oh, God.
07:35What had I just done?
07:36Of course, the next logical step was to fall on my knees and beg Mia for help.
07:42Josie, it's not like he's the cute barista down the street.
07:45He has bodyguards, and he already has a restraining order against a stalker.
07:49Mia, I know I messed up, but my psychotically perfect family has a way of pushing me over the edge.
07:55And what happens when Emily turns up next week?
07:59Well, I'll just have to dump him by then, won't I?
08:02We'll cross that bridge when we get there.
08:04Right now, I have to show them something.
08:06Or look like an even bigger loser for lying.
08:09Ugh, fine.
08:11The event photographer at Alexander's Gala tomorrow called in sick.
08:14I can give you her badge.
08:15Please don't make me lose my job and just act normal for once.
08:20Oh, please.
08:21Normal is my middle name.
08:23Okay, it's actually Lauren, but close enough, right?
08:27I promise, I'll be the picture of normalness.
08:30The next evening, I was wobbling around the glamorous gala in a gown,
08:35lugging a camera I borrowed from my neighbor.
08:37I just had to inch my way close to Alexander, take his pictures, and then request a few selfies.
08:43I could act convincingly, like I was covering the event.
08:46How hard could it be?
08:47I aimed the camera at a couple having a heated discussion and snapped a series of blinding photos.
08:53Excuse me, does it look like I want the moment my marriage is falling apart to be captured on camera?
08:59Oh, I am so sorry.
09:02You're just so photogenic when you're frowning.
09:05Carry on.
09:06I quickly turned away and snapped another random picture,
09:09startling an elderly man and causing his drink to spill down his tux.
09:13Oops.
09:14My apologies.
09:15Great shot, though.
09:16Very fluid and dynamic.
09:19Realizing my lens was smudged, I decided to clean it.
09:22And then I accidentally set the flash off on my face.
09:26I staggered backwards, then tripped on my gown and crashed into someone,
09:30pushing us both straight into a 12-foot flower arrangement.
09:34Before I could catch my breath, I was lifted off the ground by men in suits.
09:38And I realized the person I'd crashed into was Alexander Kingston.
09:44A moment later, I found myself seated in a back room.
09:48Alexander glaring at me.
09:51What's the name of your agency?
09:52I swear, I'm gonna fire that secretary of mine!
09:56No, no, please don't.
09:58I found out the photographer hired for the event was sick, and I stole her badge.
10:02Why?
10:03Who are you, the paparazzi?
10:05I need to know who sent you.
10:08I...
10:08I sent myself.
10:10Listen, I'm Josie Hart, and I just need a couple of selfies with you, where you need
10:15to look like you're rather fond of me.
10:17Even in love, maybe?
10:19So, you can't be glaring at me the way you are right now?
10:23What?
10:24See, this is all because my mother is Benjamin Button, and my dad called me an unripe avocado,
10:29and my sister's an actual astronaut, my cousin's a Disney princess, and my brother is Elon Musk,
10:34and all I've got is enough mint to start a toothpaste factory, a garbage cat, and a pretend billionaire
10:39boyfriend.
10:40And that's sort of for you coming, you lucky guy.
10:44Pretend boyfriend?
10:45I may have accidentally told my family we were dating.
10:49Just a little bit.
10:50And you picked me?
10:52Because you have a crush on me or something?
10:54No.
10:55Your face was on the TV screen at that moment.
10:58Trust me, it was exactly as random as all of this sounds.
11:02You're insane.
11:04Really?
11:04No one's ever said that to me before.
11:06He turned away and walked over to his bodyguards, saying something to them in hushed tones, which
11:11made me even more nervous.
11:14Eventually, he came back.
11:15And sat down opposite me.
11:17Fine, Josie Hart.
11:18I'll be your boyfriend.
11:20Uh, you'll what now?
11:22So the thing is, my ex-fiancé dumped me a few months ago.
11:26Wow, that's rough.
11:28I guess we're both losers.
11:32No, only I'm a loser.
11:34Here's the deal.
11:35I'll be your fake boyfriend.
11:37And you'll help me show her I've moved on.
11:40It'll be extra intriguing for her thinking it's someone like you.
11:43What was that supposed to mean?
11:45Nothing good, I was certain.
11:47Are you serious?
11:48Completely.
11:50Think you can walk back into the party without tripping over your face?
11:53We're really doing this right now?
11:55That's why you came, isn't it?
11:57Are you in or out?
11:57My heart was hammering as Alexander led me back to the gala.
12:02The room fell quiet.
12:04Hundreds of curious eyes on us.
12:06Sorry about the interruption earlier, everyone.
12:10Allow me to officially introduce my girlfriend, Josie Hart.
12:13A talented event photographer.
12:16We've been keeping our relationship very private up till now.
12:19So my security team tonight mistook her for an assailant.
12:22As you can see, she has a habit of crashing into things.
12:26And that's how we met a few months ago,
12:28when she crashed into me and spilled her coffee all over my favorite suit.
12:31The crowd laughed and started talking excitedly.
12:35And suddenly, there were cameras flashing everywhere.
12:38I plastered on a smile, hoping I didn't look as nauseous as I felt.
12:43You're smiling like the freaking Joker.
12:46Just act normal.
12:47I wish I understood what that means.
12:49Oh, one more thing, Josie.
12:51Please don't go and fall in love with me, okay?
12:53Like I'm that cliched.
12:57He smirked and placed a hand on my back, making my heart skip a beat.
13:02Get a grip, girl.
13:04The moment Alexander publicly declared me his girlfriend,
13:07my life turned into a media frenzy.
13:11Within hours, every news outlet was obsessed with my awkward,
13:15deer-in-the-headlights expression.
13:17And my phone nearly exploded from nonstop messages from my family,
13:21congratulating me like I'd won the Nobel Peace Prize.
13:25And Mia showed up the next evening at my apartment, looking frazzled.
13:29Seriously?
13:30Your fake billionaire boyfriend got you bodyguards already?
13:33I had to answer ten personal questions about you
13:36before those trolls let me into the building.
13:38I answered six of them wrong, by the way.
13:40Those guys are idiots.
13:42Sorry, Mia.
13:43I've had paparazzi following me everywhere.
13:46Things have gone completely nuts.
13:48I swear, it's not my fault.
13:49You literally crashed his gallet and then crashed into him.
13:53This is entirely your fault.
13:55The next morning, an entire glam squad invaded my tiny apartment.
14:00Apparently, Alexander's PR team insisted I needed a makeover,
14:05which was very painful.
14:07Hours later, strapped into couture tighter than a vacuum-sealed frozen turkey,
14:13I waddled toward Alexander when he came to pick me up for the next event.
14:17Wow, you look different.
14:18Good?
14:19Different?
14:20It better be after all the hell I've been through.
14:23Yeah, you look good.
14:24But there was nothing wrong with you before.
14:26Did he really mean that?
14:28Pfft.
14:28Doubt it.
14:29I took a deep breath, or at least I tried, wondering how I'd managed to trade my simple
14:40life for suffocating clothes, glamorous parties, and national scrutiny.
14:46Though, it didn't feel half bad being on the arm of someone like Alexander.
14:50He was smart, charming, confident, and he could give Henry Cavill a run for his money.
14:56His smile was as bright as Emily's future, and his eyes deeper than my regrets after eating
15:02a whole cheesecake.
15:03If Mary Poppins pulled out her measuring tape for him, he would measure practically perfect
15:08in every way.
15:09This guy didn't have a weakness.
15:11Boy, was I wrong.
15:14Ow, Alexander!
15:15You're crushing my ring finger!
15:17You know, I might need it one day, despite my family's doubts.
15:21I'm so sorry.
15:22It's just that, well, gosh, Serena's here.
15:26I followed his gaze to a girl, who was a dreamy vision in lilac chiffon.
15:32Of course his ex looked like America's next top model, and he looked like a pale, sweaty
15:38loser right now.
15:40Oh, God, she saw me.
15:41She's coming this way.
15:43Jane, what do I say?
15:44What do I do?
15:45What's happening to my voice?
15:46It's Josie.
15:48And please, wipe that sweat off your upper lip, clear your throat, and be cool.
15:52Is calling a girl shorty still cool?
15:54Like, hey, shorty!
15:56Or more like, hey, shorty.
15:59Please don't say that to anyone.
16:01Ever.
16:02Up close, Serena was even more poreless.
16:05She just ignored me as she swooped in to kiss Alexander on the cheek.
16:09And then fixed his collar.
16:12Alexander, you look good.
16:14The shade of blue always did bring out your eyes.
16:17Uh, thank you.
16:18You look great in lilac, too.
16:20Well, I don't know if there's a color you wouldn't look good in.
16:23Lime yellow.
16:24She would look like she has jaundice.
16:26You're welcome, babe.
16:27Hi, Sabrina.
16:30I'm Josie, Alexander's girlfriend.
16:33It's Serena.
16:34And really?
16:35I just thought it was a paparazzi scandal.
16:38I mean, wow, that's surprising.
16:40So, how did you two meet?
16:42Well, like all good stories, ours starts from a mental asylum, too.
16:47Ha ha, she doesn't mean that.
16:48She's not really crazy.
16:50I didn't mean I'm from a mental asylum.
16:53I'd just gone to the mental asylum to see my Aunt Hilda, like I do weekly.
16:58And the staff told me she'd somehow managed to run away.
17:01And I had to go to the police station to file a report.
17:04But on the way, I stopped for a caramel latte.
17:07And then, it hit me.
17:10Uh, you figured out where your aunt went?
17:13No, a ball hit me.
17:15Some kids were playing in the coffee shop, and it hit me on the back of my head.
17:18I lost my balance and fell straight into someone's arms.
17:23Guess who that was?
17:24I'll give you a hint.
17:26It's not Aunt Hilda.
17:28I'm guessing it was Alexander.
17:30Ten points for Selene.
17:32Yes, that's how we met.
17:34And we've been inseparable ever since.
17:36Right.
17:37Well, you're very unique, Josie.
17:39Not Alexander's usual type.
17:42Maybe he was looking in all the wrong places before.
17:45Because we're definitely soulmates.
17:48We love all the same things.
17:50We practically finish each other's...
17:52Uh, sentences?
17:56No, silly.
17:58Sandwiches.
17:59You know, those sandwiches you love, but you can never finish them.
18:03So, I have to eat yours, too.
18:04Oh, yeah.
18:05I'm so lucky I never have to feel guilty about wasting food again.
18:09Well, Alexander, I hope we can catch up some more soon.
18:13She squeezed his arm gently and gave him a look before walking away.
18:17Well, someone's regretting dumping you now.
18:20You're welcome.
18:21Oh, thank God.
18:23I wasn't just imagining it.
18:24She was flirting with me, right?
18:26Josie, this is fantastic.
18:28I think I have a chance with her.
18:30You want her back?
18:31I thought you just wanted to rub your relationship in her face.
18:34Like a mature adult?
18:36Yes, and if she's jealous, it means she still cares about me.
18:39And you just saw her, right?
18:41Why wouldn't I want her back?
18:43Ugh.
18:43Why were men so dumb?
18:46And, as luck would have it, Serena was seated at our table.
18:50Well, practically seated in the lap of a very good-looking, very Italian guy at our table.
18:57No, babe.
18:58It's pronounced cupcake.
19:00Ah, coo-p-cake.
19:03Has anyone ever told you that you're just too cute?
19:06Alexander pulled me close to him and brushed some hair away from my ear.
19:10Please smile like I'm whispering sweet nothings to you.
19:14Now, listen.
19:15There's no way she's dating that guy for real.
19:17She's just trying to make me jealous after seeing us together.
19:20It's working.
19:21So keep acting like the world's most affectionate girlfriend, okay?
19:25Seriously?
19:26Weddings are just so romantic.
19:28Babe, do you remember that magical sunset in Capri when we kissed for the first time?
19:34Boo-boo!
19:35Do you remember that time we watched that sunset on YouTube because we were too busy cuddling on the couch?
19:41And what was it?
19:42Our tenth kiss?
19:44Serena definitely looked annoyed.
19:47And then she started feeding Lorenzo chocolate-covered strawberries.
19:51I shoved a breadstick in Alexander's mouth.
19:53Who started choking?
19:55You make every day feel like Valentine's Day.
19:58I feel so loved.
19:59You make every day feel like, uh, Thanksgiving.
20:03I feel stuffed and sleepy.
20:06Lorenzo gave me this bracelet of rare blue diamonds.
20:09When they catch the moonlight, they reflect constellations that could only be seen from his family's private villa in Tuscany.
20:16Wow, fancy!
20:18Alexander gave me this watch from Target.
20:20If you press this button, it lights up neon green.
20:22And if I angle it just right, it blinds pigeons.
20:26That's your own watch, Josie.
20:28They don't know that.
20:30Suddenly, Serena rose from the table and glided over to the wedding band, grabbing the mic.
20:35There's so much love in the air tonight, and I can't help getting caught up in it.
20:39I want to dedicate a song to the guy in my life.
20:42My handsome Italian boyfriend, Lorenzo.
20:45I rolled my eyes, but her annoyingly pitch-perfect rendition of I Will Always Love You had the whole crowd in tears.
20:55As the applause died, Serena gave me a look that made my blood run cold.
21:01Oh, no!
21:02And now I'd like to ask my friend Josie to sing something for the man in her life.
21:07Oh, no, no. I can't.
21:10Josie, you have to, please.
21:12I walked over to the mic with jelly legs.
21:15She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.
21:19She's cheer captain, and I'm on the bleachers.
21:23Dreaming about the day when you wake up to find what you're looking for has been here the whole time.
21:30Yeah, you belong to me.
21:35My face burned as I saw guests visibly cringing.
21:39When I stopped, there was complete silence, and I dropped the mic and ran off.
21:45As I caught my breath outside the wedding hall, Alexander came out too.
21:49Hey, it wasn't that bad. Honestly, it was cute-ish.
21:53Oh, shut up, Alexander. I sounded like a dying seagull. You made me make an absolute fool of myself. Do you think Serena's impressed with your idiot girlfriend?
22:04I'm sorry. I really thought...
22:06Thought what? If you made Serena think you'd moved on with some loser, you'd have her attention again? How pathetic are you? Chasing after someone who broke your heart and is still playing games with you? Or are you so blind that you can't even see it?
22:20Listen...
22:21Which one is it? Pathetic or blind?
22:23Josie...
22:24No! You can go embarrass yourself chasing Serena. I won't stick around to be humiliated anymore.
22:31Before he could respond, I stormed off.
22:34As my heels clicked furiously on the pavement, I barely had time to notice the black van screeching to a halt beside me.
22:40The door suddenly opened, and a pair of arms yanked me inside. Then suddenly, everything went dark. And when I regained consciousness, I found myself hanging off a rooftop with my life flashing before my eyes. After which, I was dragged down into a room with expensive villain-layer vibes. I was seated at a table, and the woman sat opposite, placing a file in front of me.
23:06Open it.
23:07Oh, cool! Is this your scrapbook of people you've murdered and enjoy revisiting in your free time? Cause, same girl, same!
23:16When I came across a photo of a shiny, jewel-encrusted egg straight from a fairy tale, she placed a blood-red fingernail on it.
23:25This... this is what I want.
23:29Okay, but why would Alexander even buy this?
23:33Because... that is a one-of-a-kind Fabergé egg. Crafted for royalty wants. Worth over 30 million dollars.
23:43And currently holds a drive with information that could destroy a lot of powerful people.
23:49And... Alexander knows about this drive?
23:52Highly unlikely. He probably just bought it because it's expensive... and shiny.
23:57God, rich people are wild.
23:59We don't know where Alexander's keeping it. So who better to find it for us than his girlfriend?
24:06You have one week.
24:09Okay, but like... I'm not very... competent. There's a high chance I'll trip up. Literally. And figuratively.
24:19Josie, what do you want from life?
24:22Uh, you mean... existentially? Like... inner peace? A sense of purpose? That kind of thing?
24:29Or, more practically, like a personal jacuzzi? Soft serve machine? Affordable skincare?
24:35You get me that egg, and I'll make sure you pass that bar exam.
24:39I have an exceptional skincare line, too.
24:42You can get free supplies for life.
24:45Seriously?
24:45You don't? And we kill your whole super-cool, overachieving family. And then you. Slowly.
24:55Okay. That escalated fast.
24:58But also...
24:59Wow! Really motivating!
25:01By the way, is there a name I can call you by?
25:05Sure.
25:07Black Orchid.
25:09Cool. You can call me Blue Spinster.
25:12I don't know why I said that. Josie's fine.
25:14And ten minutes later, I was dumped behind a taco truck.
25:19So, I had seven days to betray my fake boyfriend I may or may not be developing feelings for,
25:25steal an invaluable egg, and somehow not die in the process. Easy peasy.
25:31Alexander turned up the next day at my apartment with a cheesecake and an apology.
25:36I may be a fool for Serena, but I should never have pushed you the way I did.
25:40I overreacted, too. I mean, this was the deal, right? Being your fake girlfriend to make your ex jealous.
25:49Yeah, but we can end this if it's too much for you.
25:51Oh, no. I'm fine. I'll have a lot of disappointment to face when my family finds out this relationship has ended.
25:57But maybe we can keep it up a little longer? Just don't ask me to sing in public again.
26:04Not even in private.
26:05Just a week more, and I'd be out of his life for good.
26:09Knowing how hung up he really was over Serena, I knew I had to guard my feelings and just keep my eye on the ball.
26:15The egg, I mean.
26:17I had free access to Alexander's mansion.
26:21And while I went there under the pretense of taking a dip in the pool or relaxing in his home theater,
26:26I took every chance I could to snoop around.
26:29And after three days of exploration, I knew he owned more cashmere sweaters than anyone could ever need.
26:36Only had books about how to become a successful person.
26:40And, like all rich people, loved horses.
26:43But no egg in sight.
26:45I still had to explore the study where he held his meetings.
26:49So one evening, when he was out of town, I snuck in.
26:52I was going through the cupboards when my phone started ringing loudly.
26:56Gosh, what is this volume?
26:59Lord Voldemail's work, of course.
27:01It was Emily calling.
27:03Ew.
27:04Hey, Em.
27:05Hi, Josie.
27:08Mom, Dad, and I just landed in town for a conference.
27:11And we'd love to meet your boyfriend.
27:14Friend, we're free tomorrow evening.
27:16Does that sound good?
27:18Uh, I guess.
27:20Just let me check with Alexander.
27:22Well, I've made a reservation at a trendy new French bistro for seven tomorrow.
27:27So, see you both there.
27:30Then, why'd you even ask?
27:32But she'd already hung up.
27:33I took a deep breath and refocused on my mission.
27:36As I had my head stuck up the fireplace, I suddenly heard loud voices from the hallway outside.
27:42One of them definitely sounded like Alexander.
27:45He wasn't supposed to be back till midnight.
27:48I had no time to hide.
27:49Oh, God.
27:50Think of any excuse, dummy.
27:52Just then, the door burst open and in jumped Alexander Kingston.
27:57Wearing a velvet cape, a shiny breastplate on his bare chest, and a full VR headset on his face.
28:04Who dares enter the realm of Zorg Lord, defender of the Sky Kingdom?
28:08He swung his fake sword around aggressively and impaled a poor ficus.
28:15Okay, so I was right in front of his face, and he had no idea I was here?
28:20I wasn't used to such incredible luck.
28:23I tiptoed to the door and was almost there, when suddenly, he came charging straight at me.
28:29And before I could dodge him, he crashed into me and we were both on the ground.
28:34Ow!
28:35I think I've cracked a rib.
28:37Josie, what the heck are you doing here?
28:40What are you doing here?
28:42You said you were out of town.
28:44And seriously, what are you doing, Zorg Lord?
28:48It's a stress relief program, recommended by my therapist.
28:52Level 3?
28:54Battle for the Sorcerer's Amulet?
28:56Cool therapist.
28:58Love the costume, too.
29:00That breastplate is so shiny and so plastic.
29:04It's a fully immersive experience.
29:06Ugh, okay, fine.
29:10I'm into cosplaying and video games.
29:12It helps me blow steam.
29:13And I really needed it today.
29:15Serena messaged in the morning about wanting to meet.
29:18I've just been so nervous that I cancelled everything and decided to relax at home.
29:22Can you please forget everything you just saw?
29:24There it was.
29:25That pang I felt hearing Serena's name.
29:28Trust me.
29:29I'm gonna go home and stick my head in the microwave or something.
29:33Um, listen.
29:34I kinda have a favor to ask.
29:37My family's in town and they wanna have dinner with us tomorrow.
29:41Of course I'll be there.
29:42You don't have a ribbon-cutting gala or a yacht-launching ceremony or...
29:47Comic-Con?
29:47I'm available, Josie.
29:49See you tomorrow.
29:50And don't tell anyone about this.
29:53Your secrets are safe with me.
29:55Oh, mighty killer of ficuses and defender of the sky realms.
29:59I was almost at the mansion gate when I realized I'd left my bag in the study.
30:06I went back for it.
30:07And that's when I saw it.
30:09Alexander was at the far end of the study, standing in front of a sleek panel I hadn't noticed before.
30:15Suddenly, a small circle lit up and beeped as it scanned his eye.
30:20Then a click.
30:21A smooth, dark wooden door opened.
30:23And Alexander stepped inside.
30:25And I decided to leave without my bag.
30:28Seriously? A retinal scan?
30:31How was I supposed to get in there?
30:33I had to postpone thinking about it for another day.
30:36Because I had that family dinner to get through.
30:39They seemed super impressed by Alexander.
30:42But I knew they'd find ways to put me down soon enough.
30:45You should get appetizer number two, Josie.
30:48You always loved that one.
30:50Remember?
30:51I knew exactly what she was doing.
30:55You get it, M.
30:56But it's your favorite.
30:58Go on, order it.
31:00Fine.
31:01We'll have the char-char-cut-churry-chaka-chur-tiri board.
31:08Some things never change.
31:11Josie's tongue always did get tangled over the simplest things.
31:15Honestly, I couldn't pronounce it for years either.
31:18Once at a business dinner, I asked for the char-cutie platter.
31:22And the waiter stared at me like I'd requested a raw dolphin.
31:24As we all laughed, Alexander squeezed my hand under the table.
31:28I really have to say, Alexander, you're the most normal guy she's ever dated.
31:38Josie has such a unique dating history.
31:41Remember that magician, Josie?
31:43What was his name?
31:44Danny, the disappearing boyfriend?
31:47Oh, and that clown who made balloon animals?
31:51Besides the fact that he had no future, I liked him.
31:53Speaking of no future, Josie, are you thinking about taking the bar exam again?
31:59You should, honey.
32:00They say fourth time's the charm.
32:03No, Dad.
32:03The third time's the charm.
32:05And, well, that's fast.
32:09You know, you should think of a career change.
32:12I mean, it's not like your career's even started yet, right?
32:15Alexander set his fork down on his plate a little too hard.
32:19Josie's one of the smartest people I've ever met.
32:22And she knows what she's doing with her life.
32:25You all seem to have an unhealthy obsession with her.
32:28Which I kind of get, I'm obsessed too.
32:31I feel lucky she picked me out of all the billionaires in the world.
32:34I almost choked on my drink.
32:36Yeah, it was between you and that prince from Monaco.
32:40But he didn't have the waffle station in his kitchen.
32:43See?
32:44Josie knows exactly what she wants and isn't afraid to go for it.
32:47If I wasn't already halfway in love with Alexander, that dinner might have pushed me over the edge.
32:54The only thing standing in my way now was Serena, a retinal scan, a Fabergé egg, and a mafia woman who was dressed to kill.
33:03Oh God, what was she doing here?
33:06She gestured at me to come outside.
33:08I made an excuse to go to the bathroom and joined her and her goons across the street.
33:13Way to blend in, guys.
33:15You look like the Grim Reaper's PR team.
33:18We just came from Amand's funeral.
33:20Beautiful ceremony.
33:22Coskett stayed closed.
33:24For good reason.
33:25Wonderful.
33:26I'm sure he didn't suffer.
33:29Not for long anyway.
33:30Uh, okay.
33:32So, progress update.
33:34I think I might know where that Fabergé egg is.
33:37I discovered a hidden room in his study.
33:40But it requires his retinal scan.
33:41The mafia woman drew out a Swiss army knife from her bag and tossed it to me.
33:46That's easy.
33:47Just take his eyeball out.
33:49You know, I mean no disrespect, but your sense of humor is terrible.
33:55She smiled and reached into her bag again, this time tossing me a sleek device.
34:01This is a portable retinal scanner.
34:03Just hold it close to his eye without him noticing.
34:06That's not even the weirdest thing I've done this month.
34:10Good girl.
34:10Oh, and Josie, you're doing so well.
34:15Don't make us go to more funerals.
34:18Later, after we'd said goodbye to my family, Alexander and I took a walk around the block.
34:24So, tough crowd.
34:25I understand why you lied about dating a billionaire now.
34:29Right?
34:30They really know how to push my buttons.
34:32Thank you for everything you said today.
34:38I didn't know you could be so charmingly passive aggressive.
34:42Didn't say anything I didn't mean.
34:45Except for the charcuterie part.
34:47As you can see, I can pronounce it just fine.
34:49Didn't doubt that for a second.
34:52As he smiled at me warmly, I felt my heart sink.
34:56It was getting so much harder to steal from him.
34:59I didn't sleep a wink that night, trying to think of ways I could casually scan Alexander's eyeball.
35:05But the universe must have taken pity on me, because the next morning, Mia called.
35:11Alexander's sick, like full-blown flu, delirious with fever kind of sick.
35:15He just called to cancel everything, and then asked me to buy a thousand lottery tickets.
35:20I mean, what?
35:20I dropped everything, grabbed soup, and headed straight to the mansion.
35:25It felt wrong to be this excited about someone's immune system collapsing, but this was my chance.
35:32He opened his bedroom door, dressed in dinosaur pajamas.
35:36Hey, it's Josie.
35:38You're glowing, girl. Glowing like a firefly's butt.
35:43Okay, wow. You're very sick.
35:47What? No, I feel great. I took four of those green pills, or maybe six, I don't know.
35:54I guided him to the couch and handed him the soup.
35:56He immediately spilled half of it on his lap.
35:59Oh, no. My thighs. Are they burning? Was that soup hot?
36:05No, it got cold on the way.
36:07You're fine.
36:09Why would you bring me cold soup, Josie? Why?
36:12I sighed, got him some paper napkins to clean up, and sat beside him.
36:17You smell like lavender.
36:25And betrayal.
36:26Uh, what now?
36:28Oh, that's just my shampoo.
36:31It's called floral deception.
36:33Ah, it's nice. You know what, Josie? I'm very confused about Serena. She wants me back, but I don't know. Sometimes I'm not sure if I really love her.
36:44That made me freeze.
36:45She never really made me feel good about myself, you know? It's not like it's with you. With you, things are easy. I don't feel like I have to prove anything. I can just be a regular guy.
36:57Hey, can you clean my nose?
36:59Well, Serena's perfect. She'd make anyone feel like they're not good enough. And I'm a walking, talking disaster. So I'd probably make people feel better about themselves. Like, hey, at least my life's not as messy as Josie's. Or, I've got it more together than she does.
37:18He sat up suddenly, grabbing me by the shoulders.
37:21Don't say that. You're amazing, Josie. You're funny and smart and pretty. And you have these eyes that make me want to do stupid things. Like, kiss you, right now.
37:32Okay, whoa. This isn't real. It's just the meds talking.
37:37No, really. I want to kiss you. Unless you don't want to. Which is fine.
37:43My heart was pounding. And I defo wanted to kiss him. But I had to stay laser focused. If you're serious, then look deep into my eyes first. His gaze locked onto mine, like a lovesick puppy. And then, I whipped out the scanner and hovered it near his eyeball.
38:03Did... did something just beep?
38:05What beep? No, you're just hearing things, sweetie. You should sleep.
38:10He leaned in suddenly, with his lips puckered, he kissed some air, and passed out face first in my lap, snoring like a walrus.
38:19Mission accomplished.
38:23But did he really mean that about Serena? And what he'd said about me?
38:28Ugh. Even if he liked me, I was stealing his egg. We could never work out as a couple.
38:34I put a blanket over him, and then made my way towards the study.
38:37Once inside, I locked the door, stepped up to the hidden panel, and whipped out the scanner with Alexander's retinal image saved on it.
38:46There was a click. Yes!
38:48And the door opened.
38:51At the end of a small passageway was a room full of collector's items.
38:56But in the center, covered with a glass box, was a glittering Fabergé egg.
39:06Okay. I really didn't think an egg could be so pretty.
39:11I lifted the glass cover like I was diffusing a bomb, then carefully picked up the egg and made my way back to the study.
39:18Great. There was no way this thing was fitting in my handbag.
39:25I spotted a trash can filled with tissues and receipts, so I put the egg in and slung the trash bag over my shoulder.
39:32But I'd barely made it ten steps down the hallway before a housekeeper appeared out of nowhere.
39:37Ma'am, why are you taking out the trash?
39:41Here, let me.
39:42No, you stay away!
39:44I mean, this bag is full of Alexander's highly contaminated tissues.
39:49It really doesn't look like the regular flu.
39:52His snot has a weird color.
39:55I've already been exposed, so I'll just dispose it off somewhere.
39:59You stay healthy, drink orange juice, and yeah, bye!
40:04I burst into my apartment, locked the door shut, and collapsed onto the floor.
40:09Once I'd caught my breath, I took the glittering egg out.
40:16And with bated breath, I opened it.
40:20It was empty.
40:21I turned it around and upside down, but I couldn't see anything concealed anywhere.
40:26My lifespan has probably gone down seven years with the amount of stress I've dealt with this week.
40:31And for what?
40:32I tried to calm down and tilted the egg one more time.
40:37And that's when I saw a barely visible scene near the base.
40:41I pressed gently, and a tiny compartment popped open.
40:45Inside was a micro-USB drive.
40:49Well, hello there, my sneaky little friend.
40:52What are you hiding?
40:53I plugged the drive into my laptop.
40:59And files exploded onto the screen.
41:03Folders with names of politicians, celebrities, judges, details of offshore bank accounts,
41:09and more zeros in those accounts than my eyes could even make sense of.
41:13It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was very incriminating evidence of very high-level corruption.
41:20And in the middle of all this, the word Kingston suddenly glared at me like a neon sign.
41:26Alexander's grandfather was on the list.
41:29Oh.
41:30My.
41:31God.
41:32Alexander doesn't even know this egg's got evidence that could turn his family to toast?
41:37Oh, no.
41:38You get off this laptop, Lord Voldemow.
41:40I can't have you accidentally uploading this to Facebook.
41:43My week wasn't up yet.
41:45And I tossed and turned all night, wondering what I was supposed to do.
41:50And I reached the conclusion that I had to tell Alexander the truth.
41:54I just couldn't hand over information about his family like that.
41:58The next morning, I went to the sketchiest cafe on the outskirts of town in disguise
42:02and messaged him my location, telling him it was urgent.
42:06When he arrived, he kept looking around and was walking straight past my table when I grabbed his arm.
42:12Hey, what the...
42:13Uh, Josie?
42:15What are you doing?
42:16Sit down.
42:17Act natural.
42:18Says my fake girlfriend in disguise.
42:21Okay, whatever this is, it better be good.
42:23I still have fever, and now I'm also coughing up phlegm.
42:26Alexander, I stole your egg.
42:28Uh, you mean from the kitchen?
42:31You can take as many as you want.
42:33No, that big, littery thing hidden in the vault you open with your eyeball.
42:38That egg.
42:40Alexander's eyes grew wide, and then his face twisted with anger.
42:45You did what?
42:47Shh, don't make a scene.
42:49You thought it was a good idea to talk about this here?
42:51Yes, a very smart idea.
42:53You can't scream or throw things at me in public.
42:56Josie, uh, how, what, uh, where do I even begin?
43:01Why?
43:02Maybe because I was threatened by a mafia lady who said she'd kill me and my whole annoying
43:06family if I didn't find the egg?
43:08Look, I am so terribly sorry I stole from you, but I really didn't have a choice.
43:14Believe me.
43:17Okay, can you start from the beginning?
43:19After I told him everything, he didn't exactly look shocked.
43:22I already know about the drive.
43:24You do?
43:25I didn't at first.
43:27I bought the egg at that auction because it was rare and, yeah, glittery.
43:31But I did find the drive inside, eventually.
43:33And Black Orchid wants it to blackmail the world's most powerful crooks?
43:37Looks like it.
43:38I'm curious.
43:40Why didn't you destroy the drive?
43:42Because if I did that, I'd be helping to cover up my grandfather's crimes.
43:46But I haven't had the courage to do the right thing either yet.
43:49He isn't alive, but if this news gets out, it'll destroy our legacy and reputation forever.
43:54I'm sorry.
43:55Really, that's a lot to have on your shoulders.
43:59The egg's in your court, but you have to make a decision soon.
44:02And I'm gonna need your help to not get killed by that woman.
44:05I'm still confused about one thing.
44:07How did you break into my vault?
44:09We don't have time for this right now.
44:11Waiter, check please!
44:12The next day, I arranged a meeting with Black Orchid, who told me to come to the same building where we'd first met.
44:20Wow, you're really working that smoky eye.
44:23And love your little gooky scarf.
44:26Thanks.
44:27It's strong enough to choke a grown man.
44:29Why do things get so morbid with you so fast?
44:33Uh, anyway, here's your egg.
44:36She pulled out the Fabergé egg from the bag, then turned it over immediately and clicked open the hidden seam.
44:41The compartment was empty, and her face turned dark.
44:44Where's the drive?
44:46Look, I was too scared to even open the egg, and I certainly didn't know about any hidden compartments.
44:53I have no idea.
44:54You're lying.
44:56I swear, on Lord Voldemeyow's life, I don't know anything.
45:00Fine.
45:01Let's call in, lover boy.
45:03I think he has a very full schedule today.
45:06Meeting, stress naps, crying into his money piles.
45:09You know, billionaire stuff.
45:11Oh, don't worry.
45:13I know how to make a man come running.
45:16And there I was again, tied to a chair on a rooftop.
45:21The Mafia woman sent a photograph of me to Alexander.
45:23And sure enough, 20 minutes later, Alexander burst through the rooftop door.
45:29Wow, man's really did come running.
45:32And he'd be looking hot while doing it.
45:35Ugh, shut up, brain.
45:37He silently gave the drive to Black Orchid, then strode over and started untying me.
45:41I thought you said you could stall her for a while, without ending up in a life-threatening situation.
45:46I tried, man.
45:48Things just always escalate really fast with her.
45:51Black Orchid plugged the flash drive into her laptop, and it was the first time I'd seen her smile widely.
45:57So creepy.
45:59Oh, yes.
46:01This is the real thing.
46:03Glad you approve.
46:04Can we go now?
46:05Of course.
46:06Josie, you can expect a Lord of Grey and a box of skin care soon.
46:11Amazing.
46:12You'll send the skin care every month, right?
46:14I thought that was the deal.
46:16You know what?
46:18I like you.
46:19You've actually been very useful.
46:21And I could definitely use a lawyer willing to break the law now and then.
46:26I'll be in touch.
46:27Ta-da!
46:27She was almost at the door to the stairwell, when suddenly one of her goons spoke.
46:33Boss, uh, you need to see this.
46:37He showed her his phone, and her face twisted.
46:40Breaking news.
46:41Elite corruption files leaked in bombshell data dump.
46:45I told that idiot journalist to wait a couple of hours.
46:48Did you account for the time difference since he lives so far away?
46:52Black Orchid turned to us, her eyes burning.
46:55You leaked it.
46:57You exposed your own family.
46:59Yeah, I did.
47:00I don't want to inherit a dirty legacy.
47:02And you can't use the files to blackmail anyone now, since they're out there anyway.
47:06Your name's on it, too.
47:08You might need an actual lawyer.
47:10And then suddenly, she screamed like a banshee and came running at me.
47:14And before I could even react, she pushed me over the rooftop.
47:21Alexander lunged forward to grab my hand, and went over with me.
47:30Ah!
47:31Josie, open your eyes.
47:32So I can see the pavement I'm gonna smack my skull on?
47:36Ah!
47:37And then suddenly, I hit a springy surface, bounced off of it, flipped, and landed straight on Alexander.
47:44What the heck?
47:46Did we just land on an inflatable mattress?
47:49When she sent that photo of you tied up, I had my team set up these landing pads on every side of the building.
47:56Just in case she tried something.
47:59Oh my god!
48:00I love rich people so much!
48:02I could just kiss you right now!
48:04Yeah?
48:05What's stopping you?
48:06His face was so close to mine.
48:08And suddenly, my heart wasn't just pounding from the near-death experience.
48:13As we both leaned in, a pigeon suddenly pooped on my head.
48:18And the moment was gone.
48:20So, the good news was that Black Orchid was arrested on seven counts of money laundering, illegal arms deals, and...
48:27Oh yeah!
48:28Kidnapping me and pushing me off a rooftop!
48:31Also, her actual name was released on the news.
48:34Janice Mildred Witherspoon!
48:37Meanwhile, the corruption scandal exploded, and Alexander was buried in lawyers, press conferences, and damage control.
48:46You took down the mafia and exposed all these crooks.
48:50You, Josie Hart!
48:51The girl who once got banned from Ikea for accidentally setting off a fire extinguisher thinking it was air freshener.
48:58Yeah, I still can't believe it either.
49:00I'm not the kind of person crazy exciting things happen to.
49:04Only crazy stupid.
49:05So, the fake girlfriend gig is over?
49:08We haven't had a chance to talk, but...
49:10Yeah, I should think so.
49:13Serena wants him back, and that's what he wanted, right?
49:16And with this scandal all over the news, I think my family won't take our breakup too badly.
49:21And you're gonna let him go, just like that?
49:24Yep.
49:25So, I just went back to my normal life.
49:28If you can call baking a dozen loaves of banana bread every day and sobbing into a pillow watching Pride and Prejudice for the hundredth time.
49:34Normal.
49:35One morning, as I was eating chocolate ice cream, the doorbell rang.
49:39And I found Alexander outside, looking slightly tired, but as good as ever.
49:46Hi, I should have called before coming, I guess, but I assumed you'd be home.
49:50Because what?
49:51I couldn't possibly have plans?
49:53Well, do you have any plans?
49:55No, just come in.
50:03So, how's it going with the ruined business and the shattered public image?
50:08On the bright side, we can't be jailed for my grandfather's crimes.
50:11But, of course, we've taken a massive hit financially.
50:14So, you're like, poor now?
50:19Well, relatively.
50:20We'll have to share a helicopter with another family.
50:23It's free tonight.
50:25And I was wondering if I could fly you out for a date.
50:28I mean, a real one.
50:29I've really missed you, Josie.
50:32You mean that?
50:33What about Serena?
50:35Ugh, that insufferable woman.
50:38So, I figured I'd just been hung up on her because she dumped me.
50:41And I didn't really want her.
50:43And I went to tell her just that.
50:44Except she rejected me first.
50:46Again!
50:47She said after my family's scandal, she didn't want me.
50:50It really gave her a piece of my mind.
50:52I was bold, eloquent.
50:54I even quoted Shakespeare.
50:55Oh.
50:56What did you say?
50:58Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
51:01No, I shall not.
51:02Because a summer's day is not a witch.
51:05That's... really something.
51:10Also, I had Mia send your application for the bar exam again.
51:14Honestly, after the pressure-filled situations you've been in,
51:17I have a feeling you'll breeze through it now.
51:19But if you need me to, I can buy a law degree for you.
51:22That's very sweet.
51:24But maybe you stay away from doing illegal things, okay?
51:28And yes, I'm free for a date tonight.
51:32Can you send your styling team over, though?
51:34No.
51:35No.
51:35I like you just the way you are, Josie Hart.
51:39Turns out, maybe I am the kind of person exciting things happen to.
51:43And maybe, just maybe, I'll pass the bar exam next time.
51:48If not, at least I've got a really hot backup plan.
51:51Well done.
51:52I'll see you next time.
51:53Bye-bye.
51:54Bye.
51:55Bye-bye.
51:56Bye-bye.
52:13Bye.
52:15Bye.