- 4 months ago
- #glasgow
- #comedy
- #series
- #glasgowcomedyseries
Alex has to choose between his friends and his girlfriend when both sides go to war with each other. How will he resolve this?!
Category
✨
PeopleTranscript
00:13Right you bunch of f**king fannies, let's get out of here.
00:17I don't see how you're not understanding Andrew.
00:21That lifeguard was atrocious, throwing us out of the swimming pool physically.
00:25They're not allowed to do that.
00:27Yeah, well, Alex, I just think it's a little bit justified
00:31because you are also not allowed to be peeing all over the changing rooms.
00:34People had to start jumping tiptoe and it was disgusting.
00:37So I think that that lifeguard was honestly justified in what he did.
00:41God, Andrew, you don't get it.
00:42I was total disrespect.
00:45Yeah, that was fucking shite.
00:47I know, I'm raging.
00:48That guy's such a fucking fan.
00:49He's so much older than us.
00:50He just needs to, like, let it go, you know?
00:53Exactly, guys.
00:54Andrew, you just don't get it.
00:55Anyway, doesnae matter because we will never step foot in that swimming pool ever again.
01:01You're only doing yourselves out of a swimming pool.
01:05No, we're sending a statement.
01:07We are who we are and we apologise for nothing.
01:11I say we go back after we have these pizzas and get our revenge.
01:16Fuck yeah, that's a great idea, Alex.
01:18Yep, I'm in, bro.
01:19Uh, I might just go home.
01:22No wonder Robert doesn't like hanging out with you guys.
01:25Don't be a baby, Andrew.
01:26Stay out with us.
01:27It's only, like, half seven.
01:28Wait, is it?
01:30Oh, I'm going to go home, guys.
01:31Yeah, Alex, what about revenge?
01:33Uh, well, you can have revenge tomorrow.
01:35I need to get home.
01:36I'll see you later.
01:36Bye.
01:37Hello?
01:38Alright?
01:40Honey, who's that behind you?
01:43What the hell was that all about?
01:44I thought we were going to go and get revenge on the lifeguard or something.
01:48Ugh, it's just Alex and his new girlfriend.
01:52Alex has a girlfriend?
01:54Yeah.
01:55She's a controlling bitch.
01:57Whoa.
01:58Which she is.
01:59It's like, he has to be home at eight every night to be on phone with her.
02:03Or else she falls out with him and goes in a huff and doesn't talk to him for, like, days
02:06on end.
02:07She's probably cheating on him or something.
02:09Whoa.
02:10What? I mean, it's probably true.
02:12That's just not a fair assessment, Caleb.
02:15You don't know this woman.
02:16She could have other things going on.
02:19Uh, well, I don't know, Andrew.
02:21I think when you get to meet her, then you'll start to agree with me a bit more.
02:27Hey, Alex.
02:29Well, we were just wondering when you're coming over because we're going to get our revenge on the lifeguard today.
02:34I've loaded up the paintball guns.
02:37Uh-huh.
02:39No, what? Alex, come on!
02:42I've loaded up the paintball guns!
02:45Is he not coming?
02:47No, he said he's got his fucking girlfriend over the day.
02:50He must have invited her, like, last minute or something.
02:52Or maybe she's demanded to come over.
02:55If he keeps this shit up, he'll not come to Liam Gallagher with us.
02:58What are we going to do?
02:59Like, I'm starting to see what you're on about now.
03:00Like, he's being bitched about.
03:02How do we stop that?
03:03I don't know.
03:05Wish we could just, like, send a message to him and let him know.
03:08Like, this isn't good for him.
03:12Wait, Caleb.
03:13What?
03:14We could send a message to him.
03:16And let him know what we think about his girlfriend.
03:20What do you mean?
03:22Oh, let me take the lead on this one.
03:25All right.
03:28Alex!
03:29Someone's left a letter for you here!
03:32All right, Chloe.
03:33I'll just leave it on my countertop and I'll look at it later.
03:37No, I think I might look at it now.
03:42What?
03:44Alex!
03:45What the fuck is this?
03:53No!
03:54My house is burning down!
03:57Alex, what the hell happened to your house, man?
04:00Well, I got a letter for the door and my girlfriend opened it and read it.
04:05And she was so disgusted by it that she decided to burn my house down.
04:10Oh, my gosh, Alex.
04:11That's terrible.
04:12Oh, my gosh.
04:14Are you going to press charges?
04:16Well, I would press charges.
04:18But I have no idea who wrote the letter.
04:20So I can't even really press charges until I find out.
04:23I love you so much, Imogen.
04:27Imogen, fuck off.
04:28Chloe's texting me.
04:30Hello, Chloe.
04:32Big John, we have something important to discuss.
04:35Let's meet me at our usual place.
04:37Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can.
04:40So, uh...
04:41Shut up, Sean.
04:42No talk to you till he gets here.
04:45Okay.
04:48Right.
04:49Where are they?
04:51Hello, everybody.
04:53I understand that we've got some infighting going on here.
04:57Well, Robert, the thing is, I'm just so angry and so ashamed at Sean and Caleb for writing that letter
05:07that caused my girlfriend to burn my house down.
05:10Alex, do you not think your girlfriend might need to take some accountability for burning your house down in the
05:17first place?
05:18No.
05:19See, if they never wrote that joke, she would have never destroyed the place.
05:23Well, I just think that's absolutely stupid.
05:26If you're holding them accountable for their actions, she needs to be held accountable for hers too.
05:31No.
05:31She did nothing wrong.
05:32She was provoked.
05:33How do you actually know it was Sean and Caleb that wrote that letter?
05:37Was there any evidence?
05:38Aye.
05:39The two fannies signed their name at the bottom of it.
05:42Oh.
05:43I need you to go over there and make sure everything's alright.
05:46I need you to apologise to her.
05:48Do I have permission to leave, Robert?
05:50Fine.
05:51You can leave.
05:52But you need to be back here in 45 minutes.
05:55Alright.
05:55I will.
05:56Cheers.
05:57Yeah, Cuey.
05:57That is the best idea.
05:59Alright, guys.
06:00Sorry I was one minute and 27 seconds late.
06:03Well, at least you acknowledged it, Alex.
06:07Sit down.
06:08Big John.
06:09Imogen.
06:10Please leave us.
06:11Yes, Cuey.
06:12End new hunt.
06:14Come on, Imogen, my girl.
06:16I just want to say, a 26th.
06:19I'm sorry, Cuey.
06:20I'm really sorry about what happened.
06:21Alex.
06:22Alex.
06:22Don't talk.
06:23Just listen for a second.
06:25Me and the others have discussed it.
06:28And I'm willing to forgive you if you take me out.
06:32For a steak dinner.
06:34Right now.
06:36Aye, aye, of course.
06:37I'll do anything you want.
06:38Aye, sure am I getting paid for everything.
06:40I mean, only if you, like, truly love me, I guess.
06:44Aye, I dare, I dare.
06:45I really love you.
06:46I'll dare.
06:47Alright, good.
06:48Aye, let's go.
06:49Come on.
06:50Well, oh wait.
06:51Actually, first, I just need you.
06:54Can I phone Robert and just let him know that that's the plan?
06:56Just because he was expecting me back, you know?
06:59No.
07:01If you are serious about this relationship, then you are going to actually focus on me for a change instead
07:06of your friends, okay?
07:08But I just need you phone and me to let him know.
07:10No, Alex.
07:12Now, let's go.
07:13Okay?
07:15Aye, Cuey.
07:17Oh, he's not answering his phone.
07:19I fear for the worst, guys.
07:21This new girlfriend of Alex has him bitched.
07:24We are never going to see him again under these circumstances.
07:28Oh my gosh.
07:30That's terrible, Robert.
07:32Wait, wait, wait.
07:33Andrew, are you believing this now?
07:35Yeah, it sounds serious.
07:38I said the exact same thing yesterday.
07:40And you just didn't fucking, like, bat an eye.
07:42You didn't really seem to care when I said it.
07:44But, so, are you saying you agree with what I'm saying now?
07:47You agree with my point?
07:49I agree with what Robert's saying, Caleb.
07:52But you're saying the same thing I am.
07:54It's just less, uh, dramatised, I suppose.
07:59Well, what are we going to do about this, guys?
08:02Well, I think that we should go and confront this situation head on.
08:07And we should meet them and we should do something.
08:10Do a big spectacle thing.
08:12Yeah.
08:12That sounds really good, Caleb.
08:13But, yeah, I wouldn't do that too.
08:15No.
08:17What?
08:18We are not doing that.
08:21We are going to sit and we are going to invite him out tomorrow morning and we are going to
08:28have a chat with him about this.
08:30No, no, no.
08:30But it does not make more sense to have a big, kind of, gesture or something actually interesting might happen
08:36rather than just sat down to talk.
08:38That's just boring.
08:40Ugh, Caleb, Sean, no offence to the both of you, but I think you need to let me take charge
08:47on this one.
08:48Wait, why?
08:49Look, I think Caleb made a really good point.
08:51It'd be really fun if we just go and see what's actually going on with Alex and his girlfriend.
08:55Well, any time you two have led a situation, it has always escalated to a point it doesn't need to
09:02get to where we always end up with dead dogs or unnecessary riots.
09:07No, I am taking charge of this situation here and we are going to sit and talk with him tomorrow.
09:14Now, hold on, Robert.
09:15I don't really think that that assumption of us is fair at all.
09:19Yeah, me neither.
09:20What was in that letter that you wrote to Alex's girlfriend?
09:24Um, it said the least sensitive part about Chloe is her fanny.
09:33You see, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
09:38Anyway, what we're going to do now is all go home and work off in our own space and our
09:44own time the anger we have towards Alex right now.
09:47So, everyone do that.
09:50Alright.
09:50Okay.
09:54Are we going to go follow him?
09:56Fuck yeah.
09:58Wait, Robert, I just realised something.
10:00We're Andrew.
10:02Well, Sean and Caleb live relatively close to us.
10:07Yeah.
10:08So, does that not mean they should have walked the same way home as us?
10:12Oh, for fuck's sake, Andrew.
10:14They've gone to Glasgow to meet Alex and Chloe.
10:17Oh, my God.
10:18Alright, come on.
10:19We need to go stop them.
10:20You alright, Alex?
10:22Not really.
10:23My friends have been stressing me out and I'm not going to lie.
10:25Alex, I don't care.
10:28I'm your girlfriend, not your therapist.
10:30All I care about is what steakhouse you're taking me to.
10:33Aye, alright.
10:35You alright, Alex?
10:37How you doing, Alex?
10:38Is this Chloe?
10:39Who are these guys, Alex?
10:41Sean, Caleb.
10:43Anyhow, you're going away, go away.
10:45Wait, this is the Sean and Caleb?
10:47How dare you send me that horrible message?
10:51Eh, excuse me, ma'am.
10:52We said we wanted to talk to Alex.
10:54Not Alex's fucking fridge.
10:57That's a good one, Caleb.
11:00What?
11:01Oh, no.
11:02No, you know what, Caleb?
11:03She can't be Alex's fridge.
11:06She wouldn't fit in his kitchen.
11:10This is an outrage.
11:12How dare you?
11:14Sorry, Chloe.
11:15Sorry.
11:15Calm down, calm down.
11:17No.
11:17I've had enough of your shit.
11:23Okay, I'm going to show you who you're messing with.
11:28She's eating a burger.
11:30There's a surprise.
11:34Fuck.
11:35Oh, Caleb, what are we going to do?
11:37Don't worry, Sean.
11:38I told you earlier, I loaded the paintball guns.
11:42Take this.
11:44Robert, look, they're over there.
11:47Shut up, Andrew.
11:48I can see you.
11:48See, I knew they'd come in handy.
11:50What the hell are you guys doing?
11:54Uh, nothing.
11:56Why the hell did you guys think it was a good idea
11:58to come and taunt Chloe and Alex?
12:00That's just way too far.
12:02No, no, we just thought it was funny.
12:04I'm not fucking laughing about this.
12:06Run!
12:07Oh, no, no, guys.
12:09Ah!
12:09Wait, Chloe, I'm sorry.
12:11I'm sorry.
12:11Stop.
12:12No, no.
12:12Ah!
12:15Oh, my God.
12:18You two, get out of my way.
12:23No!
12:24Robert!
12:25Ah, I'm going to go save him.
12:28Oh!
12:30You're not doing anything, Alex.
12:32You're a bigger pussy than Imogen.
12:35I'm going to go and have a little talk with your friend, Robert.
12:40Do you seriously think it's okay to get involved in other people's relationships?
12:44What the hell did I do to deserve this?
12:47Right, Andrew.
12:48I think we need to get out of here.
12:50Robert, what about Sean and Caleb?
12:54Andrew, they're probably dead.
12:56We need to get out of here with our lives.
12:59If they had just listened to me and not fucking got involved, none of this would have happened.
13:03So if they are dead, it's their own fault.
13:05No, Robert.
13:07I'm not leaving my friends behind.
13:10Andrew, it's either that or we might get out of here.
13:13We might die as well.
13:14I don't care.
13:15I like to try and save my friends.
13:16I don't like to live with a guilty conscience.
13:19Yeah, he's right.
13:20You guys aren't going anywhere.
13:22Right, who the hell is this guy?
13:27Guys, where's your fry batter?
13:29I need to attack someone with it.
13:31What?
13:32You're not getting our fry batter, you sick fuck.
13:34You've got to get me, now it's an emergency.
13:37Right, okay.
13:38If I can push all this food back up through her throat,
13:40then she'll puke me out and I can escape.
13:44Wasn't really your smartest move, Sean.
13:46Nah.
13:48Try to burn you wasn't a good move.
13:51Well, maybe I can just choke you out and stretch.
13:54Boo-boop.
13:55Boo-boop.
13:57Yes, it's working.
13:59Wait, why is it getting heavier?
14:01What's that sound?
14:03Ah!
14:06Where am I?
14:10What should we do with him, Imogen?
14:12Ah?
14:15I'd think of something.
14:17Ah!
14:17Ah!
14:17Boo!
14:18Oh!
14:20Imogen, stop being so pathetic and useless.
14:22You killed that guy and I'm going to kill this one.
14:26Imogen.
14:27No, please don't kill me.
14:29Is that the way that guy treats you?
14:32That's horrible.
14:34Please.
14:34Let's work together and we can stop him.
14:37And then you can be friends with me.
14:40I'll treat you a lot better than he does.
14:42Have you given up yet?
14:43I give up after McDonald's.
14:46Just fucking kill me already.
14:50Time to die.
14:53Now, it's time for-
14:55Oh!
14:56That was-
14:57Oh, that was sort of my bum bum.
14:59You need to say sorry.
15:00Robert.
15:01Andrew, what the fuck is she doing here?
15:03She's going to help us, Robert.
15:05Alright, let's take this fucker down.
15:07Robert!
15:08What are you doing?
15:10Alex.
15:12Look what your psycho girlfriend and this fucking cunt have done to us.
15:16I don't even know what Sean and Cale are about.
15:18I don't even know if they're alive anymore.
15:20So, see if you've come here
15:22to continually, delusionally defend these guys.
15:25Just fuck right off
15:26and you're not my pal anymore.
15:28No!
15:29I'm going to help you.
15:30I've always hated this prick.
15:33Good man, Alex.
15:35Right, here we go.
15:36No!
15:38Right, guys.
15:39Where's Imogen?
15:42Huh?
15:43No!
15:45Ah!
15:51I'm glad that's over.
15:53Aye!
15:53Now we just need to find Sean and Caleb.
15:55Who's that?
15:56I don't know.
15:58Huh?
15:59Well, who's there?
16:00Hello.
16:01Where the little John John?
16:03Who are you?
16:03Who are you?
16:04I'm Caleb.
16:05What are you doing, Caleb?
16:07I was trying to make Chloe sick through her stomach.
16:11Oh, we can help you with that if you like.
16:14Really?
16:14Yeah, just help on my back.
16:16Why would you help me?
16:18Because we hate Chloe
16:19and we want to see her suffer.
16:22What is your plan now, Caleb?
16:24Well, I was going to shove all this through the upper throat
16:26and then she'd puke
16:27and then I could escape.
16:29Okay, we'll help you out.
16:30Come on, little John.
16:31There you go, Caleb.
16:33We'll all stand out here
16:34so that you don't fall down again.
16:36Before I go,
16:36why do you guys hate Chloe so much?
16:39Because
16:39she keeps us stuck in here.
16:41See, before our master met her.
16:44He used to just put us
16:46in his bed sheets
16:47and in his socks
16:48but now we're stuck in here
16:50and it is disgusting.
16:52Ah, okay.
16:53I'll see you later.
16:55Bye-bye.
16:56This is the end for you, Sean.
16:59Sean, you alright?
17:00No, really, Alex.
17:02I hope you...
17:05I feel...
17:10Wee, you did it!
17:13Oh, no!
17:16Oh, the fuck are you alright, Caleb?
17:18What the hell happened to you?
17:20I don't want to talk about it.
17:21Right, guys,
17:22we've all been seriously injured.
17:23We need to get to the hospital right now.
17:25Ugh!
17:26The fuck's her problem now?
17:28I'll go check.
17:29Be careful, Alex.
17:31You alright, Chloe?
17:32No!
17:33I don't feel witty
17:34about any of your friends.
17:35I just want to be alone.
17:36Fuck off, Alex.
17:37I hate you.
17:38What?
17:39I didn't do anything.
17:40I'm...
17:41Please go in.
17:41No!
17:42No!
17:44You alright, talk about it, Alex.
17:46No!
17:46That's her fault.
17:47She always has to do this to ruin the day somehow.
17:51Go on, shake.
17:52Yeah.
17:52Good, Alex.
17:53Just remember,
17:54this is not your fault.
17:55You shouldn't have to apologise for anything.
17:57Oh, that's her phone on me now.
17:59Right, which my luck is?
18:00Right, man.
18:00Remember, don't apologise.
18:02Hi, I'm so sorry.
18:04Ugh.
18:05Alex, I'll forgive you on one condition
18:08that we can get back together.
18:10Alright, where's the condition?
18:12I can't even believe I'm not allowed to talk to Sean and Caleb ever again.
18:16Alright, Alex.
18:17Alright, guys.
18:18What are you doing here?
18:19Get away from me.
18:20Go away.
18:21Go away.
18:21Why?
18:22Alex, I thought I told you never to speak to these boys again.
18:26Aye, but it's not.
18:27What?
18:27What are you talking about, Chloe?
18:28I told him never to speak to you again
18:30because you're a horrible influence on him.
18:33I never heard about enough of all this.
18:35What?
18:36I said, you guys are all being ridiculous.
18:39You're only going to apologise to each other
18:41and me for putting me under all this stress.
18:43Alright?
18:44Yeah.
18:45I guess I can see what you mean.
18:48Oh, Alex.
18:49What are you doing to me?
18:50I've never been told of before.
18:57No!
18:59My girlfriend's dead!
19:02Oh.
19:03Aye, that worked out pretty well for us.
19:05Yeah!
19:15Right, this is just pathetic now.
19:17Alright, guys.
19:19Alright.
19:19What's going on?
19:21Well, Alex got dumped by Chloe again
19:24and she left with some other guy
19:26so now Alex is just pretending
19:28that she exploded and died
19:29because for some reason
19:31that helps him cope with it.
19:33What a fucking gimp.