00:01I'm Eliza Dooley.
00:02I wasn't always this fab.
00:04I used to be butt ugly.
00:06But I blew out my curls and pushed up the girls.
00:08Traded likes for likes.
00:10And I was insta-famous.
00:13My co-workers, like, love me.
00:15I got the upgrade slots.
00:17Don't be jelly, Linda.
00:18And I just hooked up with this really hot guy from work.
00:21Just happens to be...
00:22Married, isn't he?
00:23She hasn't picked up on that yet.
00:24OMG.
00:25I think I'm gonna hurl.
00:26Wait, pause.
00:28Did that seriously just happen?
00:32Hashtag mortified.
00:34This is Henry Higgins.
00:36He's, like, totally boring, but he's a mad genius at his job and stuff.
00:39He took a product that caused satanic hallucinations and made it cool again.
00:43And now he's gonna totally my fair lady, me too.
00:47It recently came to my attention that I have poor instincts, a weak stomach, no real friends, and...
00:50Loose sexual morals?
00:52Have we met?
00:53Eliza, I'm sure you're aware it is possible to be beautiful on the outside and still...
00:58But on the inside.
01:00Like Gwyneth Paltrow.
01:01Okay, you need to go.
01:02No, please.
01:03I know you don't like me.
01:04Just change me.
01:05I don't like you, but I can change you.
01:08You can do anything and everything I say, even if it seems unorthodox.
01:11Totally.
01:12There's no backdoor stuff.
01:13Okay, let's...
01:15Just go about your day as you normally would.
01:16Good morning.
01:17How are you?
01:19How are you?
01:21How are you?
01:23How are you?
01:26If you change your packaging...
01:29These aren't real.
01:29Just soften your palate.
01:31I can transform this vapid, social media-obsessed narcissist into a woman of stature.
01:37La, ra, uh-uh.
01:40Ro, ma, ro, ma, ma.
01:43Ca, ca, ooh, la, la.
01:45Watch your bad, Roma, ma.
01:47I have to say, I was coming along pretty nicely.
01:50Do you know the first thing about this woman?
01:52Do you even know her name?
01:54Charmonique.
01:56Charmonique.
01:57In my defense?
01:58That's not a real name.
02:00The thing I'm most confused by is...
02:02Plus high skinny jeans.
02:04It's like, why?
02:06I guess the moral of the story is that being friended isn't the same as having friends.
02:11When I was sick, not one person called to see if I was okay.
02:24And that sometimes, if you want to capture the moment...
02:27No, Eliza, don't.
02:28I think that you're getting it.
02:30But you are, in fact, missing it.
02:31You have to, like, live it.
02:33I think I should tell you how.
02:35You get it!
02:37Whatever you're doing with Mr. Man is working.
02:40All right.
02:43This is exactly the kind of thing that we need to work on.
02:46I'm sorry.
02:47You're totally right.
02:48I'll work on that, I swear.
02:51Hey, that's tomorrow's lesson.
02:53Got it.
02:58Wow.
03:00Is there something funny?
03:01Did you just call me beautiful?
03:02I absolutely did.
03:03You indirectly did.
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