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cyberrebel502
  • 3 weeks ago
A librarian's nephew must recover a 200-year-old book from Count Orlock, containing a world-ending spell. Joined by Marissa, a rock star heiress, they face Uncle Byron and his adopted nieces to secure the tome's fate.
Starrin Robert Vaughn & Angus Scrimm

Category

🎈
Fun
Transcript
00:00:11Oh, my God.
00:00:32Oh, my God.
00:01:05Oh, my God.
00:01:57Oh, my God.
00:02:00Oh, my God.
00:02:07Oh, my God.
00:02:37Oh, my God.
00:02:40Oh, my God.
00:03:36Oh, my God.
00:04:09Oh, my God.
00:04:10Oh, my God.
00:04:59Oh, my God.
00:05:05Oh, my God.
00:05:10Oh, my God.
00:05:36Oh, my God.
00:06:05Oh, my God.
00:06:15Oh, my God.
00:06:25Oh, my God.
00:06:59Oh, my God.
00:07:16Oh, my God.
00:07:19Oh, my God.
00:07:20Oh, my God.
00:07:24Oh, my God.
00:07:43Oh, my God.
00:08:07Oh, my God.
00:08:10Oh, my God.
00:08:14Oh, my God.
00:08:24Oh, my God.
00:08:25Oh, my God.
00:08:25Oh, my God.
00:08:28Oh, my God.
00:08:30Toadies, phony bastards, never saw one of them before in my life.
00:08:38You're looking much better since the funeral, Uncle Ephraim.
00:08:40You know, I think death agrees with you.
00:08:41Dexter, you're the only person who seems genuinely happy I'm still alive.
00:08:46Well, remember what they said about that condition of yours.
00:08:48You sure it's such a good idea returning to work this soon?
00:08:50Oh, my boy, this library is my life.
00:08:53For 40 years, I've been responsible for the world's largest collection of books
00:08:57on witchcraft and the black arts.
00:09:00That's what I call job security.
00:09:02Dexter, have you ever heard of the Book of Ulthar?
00:09:05Nope.
00:09:06Ulthar was a sorcerer at a time before history
00:09:09when all the world was in darkness and chaos prevailed.
00:09:13Oh, yeah, I remember the Reagan administration.
00:09:15No, no.
00:09:16It was the reign of the evil one,
00:09:18an elder god that once walked the earth.
00:09:22Ulthar cast a spell which banished this unearthly creature
00:09:25to the eternal void beyond time and space.
00:09:29Yeah, I spent a weekend there once.
00:09:32You may scoff, but many authorities believe
00:09:35that the evil one has been waiting
00:09:37these countless eons for the counter spell
00:09:40that would free it from its astral exile.
00:09:42Yeah, I know.
00:09:43And once again, we'll all be down the crapper.
00:09:45Correct.
00:09:46Ulthar placed all his mystic incantations in one volume,
00:09:50which has been carefully guarded throughout the ages.
00:09:53Then, 20 years ago,
00:09:57I made a tragic error.
00:10:01I lent the book out.
00:10:03Isn't that what libraries are supposed to do?
00:10:05Not with such a priceless volume.
00:10:08The culprit's name was Marinus Orlok.
00:10:11His academic credentials were impeccable.
00:10:14And a few days later,
00:10:15he simply vanished with my book.
00:10:19For two decades,
00:10:20I vainly attempted to find some trace of him.
00:10:24Then finally, just recently,
00:10:26I unearthed a clue.
00:10:27A daughter living in Los Angeles.
00:10:30I was about to contact her
00:10:31when I had my attack.
00:10:33I had a feeling this was all leading someplace.
00:10:35You've been like a son to me, Dexter.
00:10:38I know it's a great favor to ask, but...
00:10:41Hey, don't, don't, don't.
00:10:42You know, I owe you more than I could ever repay.
00:10:44You give me that address,
00:10:44I'll find that book.
00:10:46Orlok's daughter is named Marissa.
00:10:49Marissa.
00:10:50You can contact her here.
00:10:53All right, everybody.
00:10:54Quiet with pictures.
00:11:10I don't like snap collecting.
00:11:13I don't play chess.
00:11:15I'm just not used to second best.
00:11:18I don't watch Wheel of Fortune
00:11:21or meet the press.
00:11:22I'm not the kind that gets depressed.
00:11:26Just give me action.
00:11:30Your love is the attraction.
00:11:34It's pure satisfaction.
00:11:38Yeah.
00:11:49I don't like blasting out of here
00:11:52Screw the gun control.
00:11:54I want some fun before I get old.
00:11:57I don't like causing accidents.
00:12:00I'm on a roll.
00:12:02Who cares if I'm on parole?
00:12:04Just give me action.
00:12:09Your love keeps me in traction.
00:12:13It's pure satisfaction.
00:12:17Yeah.
00:12:25Let's start a revolution calling John Wayne.
00:12:29Your love is driving me insane.
00:12:33Let's storm up for a missile-based dark World War III.
00:12:37Knock off the Ayatollah for me.
00:12:39Just give me action.
00:12:44Your love is the attraction.
00:12:48It's pure satisfaction.
00:12:53It's...
00:12:59Come on and give me a little action, will you?
00:13:13Cut!
00:13:14What?
00:13:15That was beautiful, Marissa.
00:13:18Is everything all right?
00:13:20Babe, they only make one word to describe your performance.
00:13:22Simply sensational.
00:13:23That's two words.
00:13:24Right.
00:13:25Right now, I predict that song's gonna win a granny.
00:13:27That's granny.
00:13:28No, dearie.
00:13:29He meant granny.
00:13:31Here you go, Chief.
00:13:33Okay, everybody.
00:13:33It's all right.
00:13:39Pardon me.
00:13:40Pardon me.
00:13:40You're Marissa Orlach, right?
00:13:42How did you know my last name?
00:13:43Not even my press agent knows that.
00:13:45I'm Dexter Ward.
00:13:46I've been tracking you down all over L.A.
00:13:48Hey, look.
00:13:48I love my fans, but don't let it get out of control, okay?
00:13:51No, you don't understand.
00:13:53See, I want to talk to you about your father, Marinus.
00:13:55What about my father?
00:13:56Well, you see, my Uncle Ephraim, he's got...
00:13:59Wait, we can talk in here.
00:14:00It's private.
00:14:06Hey.
00:14:07Hey, this isn't the center of the last drive.
00:14:11It's where they used to film all those old sitcoms.
00:14:14Now, what information do you have about my father?
00:14:17Oh, well, not much, I'm afraid.
00:14:19Apparently, sometime in the late 60s, your father borrowed a one-of-a-kind volume from
00:14:23the Arkham Public Library, the Book of Althar.
00:14:26Now, supposedly, when translated, this book could open up a doorway to another dimension.
00:14:32What was that?
00:14:33It's one of those old laugh track machines.
00:14:36They used to use it on all these shows.
00:14:38Who's operating it?
00:14:40No one.
00:14:40I think they just forgot to turn it off.
00:14:42But don't worry, it's programmed to laugh at anything.
00:14:45See what I mean?
00:14:47Oh, where was I?
00:14:49Oh, yeah.
00:14:50Anyway, my Uncle Ephraim is the head librarian at Arkham, and he's a little eager to have
00:14:54this particular book returned, so I was kind of hoping you could give me a current address
00:14:59on your father.
00:14:59Oh, I was hoping you could give me one.
00:15:02See, my father left when I was quite young.
00:15:04He arranged a Swiss bank account for our support, but neither my mother or I have heard from him
00:15:09in, like, nearly 20 years.
00:15:11And I'd give anything to see him again.
00:15:14Hey, that's not funny.
00:15:17Welcome.
00:15:18I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.
00:15:21I, uh, I won't bother you anymore.
00:15:25Hello!
00:15:26Holy Captain Video!
00:15:28You must be characters from the future.
00:15:30Let's see, this is where the plot thickens.
00:15:34Telegram, uh, telegram for Marissa Orlach.
00:15:36Oh, I'm Marissa Orlach.
00:15:37Yeah, well, this must be me.
00:15:39A-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee,
00:15:46a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee, a-tee.
00:15:46Will you come on?
00:15:48What a crouch.
00:15:51Oh, it's from Victor Van Halsey.
00:15:54I don't know anybody by that name.
00:15:56Come immediately to Castle Orlach in Transylvania.
00:16:00Transylvania.
00:16:04No.
00:16:11My father just died.
00:16:15I know painful this must be for you.
00:16:18I'm going to call the travel agency.
00:16:21Reserve tickets for two.
00:16:23Two?
00:16:24For Transylvania.
00:16:26Oh.
00:16:33Ladies and gentlemen, we are now beginning of this earth in Transylvania.
00:16:38Please fasten your seatbelts and extinguish all portes.
00:16:44Thank you for flying Transylvania Airlines.
00:16:49The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of coffins.
00:16:54There is no dying in the red zone.
00:16:56And, at the signpost up ahead, the twilight zone.
00:17:01Oh, it's beautiful here.
00:17:04Now what do we do?
00:17:06According to the telegram, we'll go straight to Hansburg.
00:17:08It's a small bird just west of here.
00:17:11Got any neat ideas on how to get there?
00:17:13Nope.
00:17:14Okay.
00:17:19I could live here.
00:17:24Maxi!
00:17:26I'm not sure.
00:17:27We're trying to get to Hansburg.
00:17:29Look, lady, you either want a taxi or you don't want a taxi.
00:17:32No skin off my ass, you're the way.
00:17:34Then you're making.
00:17:35You got it, baby.
00:17:36Maxi Field.
00:17:37Big Apple Cab Company.
00:17:39Oh.
00:17:39What are you doing here?
00:17:40Can I help it if they give me a bad area?
00:17:42So, hey, I'm not taking a bath here for my health.
00:17:45You want a ride or not?
00:17:46You got it.
00:17:47Can you take us to Hansburg?
00:17:48I don't usually like to go into that area after dark, but, uh, hey, affair's affair, right?
00:17:54You know what I mean?
00:17:55Hop in.
00:18:02Hey, those redcaps, they don't look too well.
00:18:07Hey, they're zombies.
00:18:09Forget about them.
00:18:10You get used to them.
00:18:11What?
00:18:12The walking's dead?
00:18:13Hey, New York, you got your junkies.
00:18:15Here, you got your zombies.
00:18:17What's the difference?
00:18:18They all look like Keith Richards anyway.
00:18:19They don't look particularly efficient.
00:18:24Yeah, they're dead.
00:18:26They're all messed up.
00:18:39Nice scenery around here.
00:18:40Hey, folks, you got your misshrouded moors, your bleak forest, desolate graveyards.
00:18:46Great place for picnics.
00:18:48You know, you didn't have to come.
00:18:49If I found the book of Alka, I could have just sent it to you.
00:18:52You know.
00:18:53You don't mind me being here, do you?
00:18:55No.
00:18:55It's nice to have company.
00:18:57Especially in a place like this.
00:18:59Ah, who knows.
00:19:01Maybe they'll put up a Disneyland here someday.
00:19:03Yeah, I could see it all now.
00:19:05Vampires of the Caribbean, right over there someplace.
00:19:09Hey, did you say that you were a librarian?
00:19:11No, no, no.
00:19:11My uncle's a librarian.
00:19:13I'm just helping him out during summer vacation.
00:19:15I'm starting pre-med at Arkham University.
00:19:17I was going to be a lawyer, but I couldn't stand a sight of blood.
00:19:20I never finished high school.
00:19:22Oh, really?
00:19:24Uh, despite graduating from high school, Marissa's recording career prevented her from pursuing
00:19:28a higher education.
00:19:30We're doing a little research.
00:19:33Oh, at least that much is true.
00:19:35Oh, wait a minute.
00:19:37Describe your perfect mate.
00:19:38Yeah, here we go.
00:19:39Tall, handsome, great sense of humor.
00:19:41You feel like anybody you know?
00:19:43Eh, one out of three is that.
00:19:47Sorry about the bumps.
00:19:50We got better roads in the Bronx.
00:19:52I still don't understand what a New York cabbie is doing in a place like this.
00:19:56Talking to me?
00:19:57Nobody else here.
00:19:58Must be talking to me.
00:19:59I wanted to get out of the city.
00:20:01Big mistake.
00:20:02You can't even find a decent piece of pizza in this whole damn country.
00:20:08I'll bite.
00:20:09No, thanks.
00:20:28You know, we don't seem to be getting the media coverage off what we would.
00:20:32You missed the point, Mr. Mole.
00:20:33We'd be stopping any unauthorized grave robbers from sneaking in and nipping the old gentleman
00:20:39inside.
00:20:40Aye.
00:20:41And selling them to those medical chaps for a measly ten bob.
00:20:44Ten bob doesn't sound so bad here and now.
00:20:47We could buy another bottle.
00:20:48Help us keep warm.
00:20:50Oh, that we could, Mr. Sweeney.
00:20:51That we...
00:20:52Be ye suggesting we cross our own picket line.
00:20:55Aye.
00:20:55That I be, Mr. Mole.
00:20:57Did you bring your tools with you?
00:20:59Would a good union man be without his tools or trade?
00:21:08Always a pleasure to see a professional at work, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:13Why, thank you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:16Got these bloody alarms on everything these days.
00:21:21Off to you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:23Off to you, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:27You think you bet we'd be saving him from being stabbed by someone who ain't in our unit?
00:21:39I'm sure he'd be appreciating that fact, Mr. Mole.
00:21:45No!
00:21:47No!
00:21:48Oh, no!
00:21:49Oh, no!
00:21:51Oh, no!
00:21:52Oh, no!
00:21:54Oh, no!
00:21:55Oh, no!
00:21:56Oh, no!
00:21:56Oh, no!
00:21:56Oh, no!
00:21:56Oh, no, please!
00:22:10Oh, my God!
00:22:14God!
00:22:17Oh, no, no!
00:22:19Oh, no, no, no, no!
00:22:23Oh, my God!
00:22:46Thank God.
00:22:49Thank God?
00:22:51Thank God I got him before dinner.
00:23:02Thank God.
00:23:25Oh, this place looks worse than an Italian dollar.
00:23:29Pardon me. Pardon me.
00:23:32Here's a lovely place you got here, but, um, how can you afford all this garlic?
00:23:38Excuse me.
00:23:41Excuse me.
00:23:46Um, can somebody tell us how to get to Castle Orlox?
00:23:55I don't think they've heard of it.
00:24:06Perhaps I can help you.
00:24:08I am the chief constipant.
00:24:10Hello there.
00:24:11My name is Dexter Ward.
00:24:12Hans Hopp.
00:24:14No, no, that's my name.
00:24:16Oh, I see.
00:24:17Hopp.
00:24:17Hans Hopp.
00:24:18All right.
00:24:18Now, hands down.
00:24:20Yes, what do you say?
00:24:21I'm not talking to you, Hans.
00:24:23I'm talking to Hans.
00:24:24That's Hans Down, our local undertaker.
00:24:27A constable with all these similar names, you must have your hands full.
00:24:30Oh, yes, knew it.
00:24:32Well, perhaps you can help us, constable Hopp.
00:24:37Perhaps.
00:24:38What would be your business at Castle Orlox?
00:24:41Well, you see, my name is Marissa Orlox, and my late father lived there.
00:24:45Oh.
00:24:47Somehow I don't think Dad was the president of the local Kiwanis club.
00:24:51Oh, stop.
00:24:52You don't mean to say you're Marinus Orlox's daughter.
00:24:56Yes.
00:24:57Yes, you don't mean to say it?
00:24:58No, I do mean to say it.
00:25:00Let me rephrase this.
00:25:01Are you not Marinus Orlox's daughter?
00:25:03Yes.
00:25:04Yes, you are not.
00:25:05No, yes, I am.
00:25:07Put it another way.
00:25:08Well, it's like this simple.
00:25:09This is Marissa Orlox.
00:25:10I'm Dexter Ward.
00:25:11We're looking for Castle Orlox, and we're all here to play Super Password.
00:25:16Young lady, I seriously suggest that you stay away from the castle.
00:25:21It has been boarded up since your father's death.
00:25:24Yes, no, I'm not there now.
00:25:26Well, at least no one alive.
00:25:35Who's playing that one?
00:25:38Well, that's nonsense.
00:25:40I received a telegram stating that my Uncle Byron had already arrived there.
00:25:44He's back.
00:25:46Byron Orlox is back.
00:25:48Now no one will be safe.
00:25:49Not our wives, our children, our mistresses.
00:25:52And he's coming in on the new train.
00:25:55Hey, wait a minute.
00:25:57I'm in the wrong movie.
00:25:59You're not telling me that Byron Orlox is back.
00:26:02No, no, wait a minute.
00:26:03Don't start that again.
00:26:05What's wrong with everybody?
00:26:07Wrong?
00:26:08Nothing is wrong, young man.
00:26:10You must make allowances.
00:26:12These are but superstitious peasants.
00:26:14Afraid of their own shadows.
00:26:20You see what I mean?
00:26:23There is much to fear in the shadows.
00:26:26And even more to fear from vampires.
00:26:37Vampires?
00:26:41There were legends many years ago, but...
00:26:44Fairy tales to frighten children.
00:26:47Tell me, constable, where do legends end and facts begin?
00:26:50What is the shadowy boundary between science and superstition?
00:26:53And how can you tell the groom at a Polish wedding?
00:26:56I'm afraid you have made a loss.
00:26:59Aha!
00:27:00I thought as much.
00:27:02You are Marissa Orlox?
00:27:03Yes.
00:27:04I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:05It was I who sent you that telegram.
00:27:07My card.
00:27:08For a good time call.
00:27:10Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:12Vampire hunter.
00:27:13I don't understand.
00:27:14I've been awaiting your arrival.
00:27:16You may share my coach.
00:27:18Oh, wait, wait.
00:27:19Wait, wait.
00:27:21Leave my son.
00:27:23I once had a boy just like you.
00:27:26Here, take this.
00:27:27It will protect you from evil.
00:27:29Thanks.
00:27:31Wait a minute, buddy.
00:27:32That'll be a buck seventy-five.
00:27:34Oh, man.
00:27:42You know my father?
00:27:45Maronis and I were colleagues many years ago.
00:27:48Then something happened and I never saw him again.
00:27:51A few days ago I learned that he had died and I had been named executor of the estate.
00:27:54And that's when you contacted me?
00:27:55Correct.
00:27:56You and your uncle are the only two known living heirs.
00:27:59I believe Lord Byron and his family are already at the castle.
00:28:01I don't know.
00:28:02Okay.
00:28:06Dexter, what took you so long?
00:28:08The old lady in the gift shop, if you must know.
00:28:11There.
00:28:11This might come in handy.
00:28:12Does this name a gun steady?
00:28:16Driver!
00:28:17Driver!
00:28:18Driver!
00:28:45Electric National Chapel
00:28:46I don't care what anyone says. This hurts.
00:29:05Are you really a vampire hunter? Is that card some kind of joke?
00:29:09Young lady, I never joke about vampires.
00:29:14No way, are we talking about furry flying bats?
00:29:17We are speaking of the undead.
00:29:19Undead? What do you mean, not alive?
00:29:21They are neither dead nor alive.
00:29:23Sounds like my agent.
00:29:24I am referring to the evil spirits who inhabit the bodies of the deceased.
00:29:27They rise from their coffins to feed upon the blood of the living.
00:29:31That's my agent, all right.
00:29:32I've made the eradication of these creatures my life's work.
00:29:35So there's a lot of money in this stuff?
00:29:37I was always encouraged to uphold the family tradition, even as a child.
00:29:41So what's happening?
00:29:43I don't know.
00:29:43Either the projectionist is falling asleep or Van Helsing is having a flashback.
00:29:47Oh.
00:29:52Merry Christmas, young Victor.
00:30:02Thanks, Dad.
00:30:03This is just what I wanted.
00:30:05Of course, vampire hunting has its moments of tension, even for a small boy.
00:30:11Victor.
00:30:11Victor Van Helsing.
00:30:14Yes, Mrs. Caldwell?
00:30:16Are you responsible for that?
00:30:23Yes, Mrs. Caldwell.
00:30:25Bring it here.
00:30:33Now, I want you to write on the blackboard.
00:30:36I will not stake vampires in glass.
00:30:39And I want you to do it 50 times.
00:30:42Another flashback?
00:30:44Don't worry.
00:30:44I think it's the last one.
00:30:45Oh, good.
00:30:47Gosh, Betty Lou, I really like you.
00:30:49And I really like you, Victor.
00:30:51You're not like the other girls.
00:30:54I was wondering when you'd get around to noticing that.
00:30:56Somehow, you're more mature than the others.
00:30:59Well, I am 19.
00:31:0019?
00:31:02But that's not old.
00:31:041900.
00:31:06That's old.
00:31:09Perhaps we ought to start back home.
00:31:11It is getting rather late.
00:31:13Later than you think, Victor.
00:31:15Please.
00:31:16No hickeys.
00:31:17Don't worry, Victor.
00:31:18I'll still respect you in the morning.
00:31:20I think we both need a drink first.
00:31:23Perhaps you're right.
00:31:25It may help to warm our blood.
00:31:28Ladies first.
00:31:44Holy Water.
00:31:45Don't leave home without it.
00:31:49From that time onward, I've dedicated my life to scourging the earth of this evil.
00:31:53Wow, they really do exist.
00:31:56I assure you, they exist.
00:31:57In fact, there's been a recent epidemic of vampirism in this vicinity.
00:32:00I destroyed one such creature before you arrived this evening.
00:32:04Maybe you could mail me that book.
00:32:07Now, you two have nothing to fear while under my protection.
00:32:09I may be kindly Dr. Van Helsing to you, but to the undead, I am the son of Sam.
00:32:17Frightened?
00:32:18Frightened?
00:32:19You don't really expect me to swallow that, do you?
00:32:21I swallowed it.
00:32:22Hey, come on, Miss Maris.
00:32:24We're riding here in the beautiful, colorful countryside.
00:32:27Being pulled by a horse-drawn carriage.
00:32:29Moonlight.
00:32:30What could be more romantic?
00:32:31High noon on the Mojave Desert.
00:32:34Listen, the hills are alive with the sound of music.
00:32:40He's gonna sing, folks. Time to hit that snack bar.
00:32:43Tex, you're not gonna sing.
00:32:45Uh-huh.
00:32:45But why throw a light-hearted song in at a time like this?
00:32:48Listen, let me tell you all about it.
00:32:51Take one grand little melody.
00:32:54Write some cutesy lyrics and just paste them together now.
00:32:58Oh, wow, think of the royalties.
00:33:02I'm making.
00:33:06And in a bit, yeah.
00:33:09I'll have a hit this up.
00:33:13And you can bet I'll sell cassettes and CDs.
00:33:19Hey there, I'll write some DJs.
00:33:23And this little song of mine will climb up the charts now.
00:33:27Oh, wow, think of the royalties.
00:33:29I'm making.
00:33:33Who cares if it's good or not?
00:33:37It doesn't matter really.
00:33:41Kids will buy anything.
00:33:44Then charge it today.
00:33:55So, hey there, I've got a song here.
00:33:59And some cutesy lyrics and I'll put them together now.
00:34:02Oh, wow.
00:34:04Think of the royalties I'm gonna make.
00:34:11Do you get very many girls that way?
00:34:14No, but it kills three minutes.
00:34:16Castle Warlock just ahead.
00:34:54All right, girls, it's party time.
00:35:17Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
00:35:20Castle Warlock, everybody out.
00:35:25Hey.
00:35:27Oh, man.
00:35:29Well, you're getting no tip from me.
00:35:32What's he feeding those horses?
00:35:34What frightened himself?
00:35:36It's as if a blind had settled over this land.
00:35:38Notice the singular lack of vegetation,
00:35:40the scarcity of animal life,
00:35:42the absence of major league sporting events.
00:35:44It's not much of a castle, really.
00:35:47Sure, it's the best they could afford on the budget.
00:36:07Maybe it's bingo night.
00:36:08Perhaps they can't hear us.
00:36:10Don't be ridiculous.
00:36:11We're making enough noise to raise...
00:36:14the dead.
00:36:16You must leave this place at once.
00:36:18Look, I assure you, we are not Jehovah's witnesses.
00:36:21Lord Byron left strict instructions
00:36:23that he was to receive no visitors.
00:36:25Nonsense.
00:36:26I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing, and I am expected.
00:36:28And I'm Marissa Orlach, and I'm also expected.
00:36:31And you?
00:36:32I'm Dexter Ward.
00:36:33I'm along for the comedy relief.
00:36:35That's a matter of opinion.
00:36:36And what is your name, my good man?
00:36:38Stefan, sir.
00:36:39Well, Stefan, sir, I insist you show us inside.
00:36:42Well, that's what it looks like.
00:36:44I meant escort us in.
00:36:47Very well.
00:36:48Let it be on your heads.
00:36:51What be on our heads?
00:36:53End.
00:37:05Good.
00:37:06Would you look at this place?
00:37:09You suppose your interior decorator is among the living?
00:37:12Ivan announced you to Lord Byron.
00:37:20I never met my uncle, as a matter of fact, I didn't even know I had one until I received
00:37:26a telegram.
00:37:27Well, I never met him either, but I understand he was the black sheep of the family.
00:37:31He was supposedly expelled from kindergarten for extreme brutality.
00:37:34Yeah, I think I went to school with him.
00:37:36According to Marinus, he banished Byron from the castle some time ago.
00:37:40Apparently, they had a violent disagreement over one particular book.
00:37:43A book?
00:37:44You don't have to recall the title, do you?
00:37:46My memory's not quite what it used to be, but it was either the book of Ulthar or the latest
00:37:51Jackie Collins novel.
00:37:53Does anybody know what happened to it?
00:37:54I would imagine both volumes are somewhere still here in the castle.
00:37:58Did you hear that, Marissa?
00:38:00Marissa?
00:38:04Marissa?
00:38:10Marissa, it's you.
00:38:11That's not me.
00:38:12I'm standing here.
00:38:13That's a painting of me.
00:38:15Must be an ancestor of mine.
00:38:18I wonder who she is.
00:38:19I don't know, but I doubt she had trouble finding a date on a Saturday night.
00:38:40Dexter, don't you know better than to put your hand on someone's shoulder in a spooky place like this?
00:38:44I'm sorry, I just wanted to show you something.
00:38:46Well, there are a number of ways of attracting one's attention.
00:38:49Damn, I hate cheap sharks like that.
00:38:51Come on, you gotta check this out.
00:38:52Marissa just discovered something that I...
00:39:00Oh, God, I dream of combinations like that.
00:39:05Marissa, come forward, dear cousin.
00:39:09We want to give you a kiss.
00:39:11Yes, dear cousin, come closer.
00:39:15I want to give you a big, wet, gooey one.
00:39:28Marissa, look out!
00:39:33Oh, my lord, I could have been killed.
00:39:35That chandelier's probably been hanging there over a hundred years.
00:39:38The moment one of us steps underneath, it falls.
00:39:42Holly remembers staring at the portrait and then...
00:39:50Well, look at me. They're your relatives.
00:39:52I see the chandelier has fallen again.
00:39:57It always does that when we have guests.
00:40:05Lord Orlok?
00:40:06I am Byron Orlok.
00:40:09And you are welcome in my home.
00:40:11Yes, we've met your welcoming committee.
00:40:14Legally, the point of ownership has yet to be established.
00:40:18I am Dr. Victor Van Helsing, executive of your brother's estate.
00:40:22Then you have Maronis' last women's testimony.
00:40:25Along with specific instructions concerning his funeral arrangements.
00:40:29An honor, sir.
00:40:31And you are Marissa?
00:40:32Yes.
00:40:33The family resemblance is truly astonishing.
00:40:37My condolences to you at this time, my dear.
00:40:42But I don't seem to recognize this young man.
00:40:45This is Dexter Ward, Uncle Byron. He's a friend.
00:40:48Of anyone in particular?
00:40:50Or just generally well-liked?
00:40:54Lord Orlok, we were just remarking on the amazing similarity between Marissa and the lady in that portrait.
00:41:02Ah, yes.
00:41:03The first Marissa Orlok.
00:41:06You are her namesake, my dear.
00:41:08I was hoping to find out more about my father, Uncle Byron.
00:41:11Well, there's not very much to tell.
00:41:13There was always a great deal of animosity between us.
00:41:17Even as a child, Maronis disapproved of my torturing small animals.
00:41:25Come now.
00:41:27You've had a long and tiring journey, no doubt.
00:41:31Permit me to show you to your room.
00:41:35Did you and my father ever straighten out your differences?
00:41:39Even towards the end, we didn't get along particularly well.
00:41:43His last letter to me began,
00:41:45Dear Shithead.
00:41:48Sorry to hear that.
00:41:49You were born into a most remarkable family, my dear.
00:41:54These are but a few of our illustrious ancestors.
00:41:58This is Roderick Orlok.
00:42:01Thief, drug addict, professional assassin, and part-time used car sales.
00:42:13And this is Linole Orlok.
00:42:16Blackmailer, horrid, murderous, and two-time president of the local PTA.
00:42:24She died in the madhouse.
00:42:28Is that hereditary?
00:42:33And surely this must be the best of the lot.
00:42:37Hans Orlok.
00:42:39Sodomist, incest, pedophile, and member of the Nixon administration.
00:42:51My wax nostalgia.
00:42:54Stefan!
00:42:57Yes, my lord?
00:42:59Where'd he come from?
00:43:01Stefan automatically materializes whenever he's needed.
00:43:04I've never figured out quite how.
00:43:07Trade secret, my lord.
00:43:10Stefan, gather their luggage and take it to their rooms.
00:43:14Yes, my lord.
00:43:18He dematerializes the same way.
00:43:21Totally perplexing.
00:43:25Come with me.
00:43:27We'll have a few hours to freshen up before the services.
00:43:31Services?
00:43:32For your father, Marilus Orlok's funeral will be held downstairs.
00:43:37Precisely.
00:43:38Happy night.
00:43:46And it is a commonly held misconception that the undead can transform themselves into bats.
00:43:50Pure nonsense.
00:43:51True, they can change into frogs, flounders, aardbarks, pelicans, baboons, and warthogs, but never bats.
00:43:57I say.
00:44:01Say you'll help me.
00:44:03I must leave this place. You're my only hope.
00:44:05Young woman, what seems to be the matter?
00:44:07It's Lord Orlok. He keeps me locked in this castle.
00:44:09He's taken everything away.
00:44:11My freedom.
00:44:12My vibrator.
00:44:14My traveler's checks.
00:44:15And I'll bet they weren't American Express.
00:44:18Oh, you must help me.
00:44:19You're my only hope. You must.
00:44:22There, there.
00:44:22There.
00:44:38Now, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
00:44:43No between-meals snacks.
00:44:46Now, go to your room. You're grounded.
00:44:49Meow.
00:44:54My apologies, Doctor.
00:44:56My daughter sometimes becomes overly agitated.
00:44:59You see, we do not get too many visitors to the castle.
00:45:04Difficult to imagine why.
00:45:06Lord Orlok.
00:45:08You have something on your mouth.
00:45:13Ah.
00:45:14Too much ketchup on my french fries.
00:45:36How did I know?
00:45:36Marissa?
00:45:41How did I know?
00:45:50Marissa?
00:45:59What is the meaning of this intrusion?
00:46:01I'm sorry. I'm looking for Marissa Orlok.
00:46:04Does that give you the right to burst into my room unannounced?
00:46:07No, no. And I apologize for it.
00:46:10Hey, wait a minute.
00:46:13You're, you're Boris Karloff, aren't you?
00:46:15Yes.
00:46:16Sure, I just, I just saw you in that movie with, uh, with Jack Nicholson, the, um, the terror.
00:46:22Forgive me for reviving painful memories.
00:46:25I don't believe it.
00:46:28Nobody's seen or heard of you since 1969.
00:46:32For 20 years, I've lived here alone.
00:46:35You're kidding me!
00:46:37Jeez, that, that, that drive me crazy.
00:46:40You think I'm mad, don't you?
00:46:42No. No. Hey, I, I, I've only been here, uh, an hour in this spook house, and, and I'm already
00:46:49starting to go looney towns.
00:46:49Ah.
00:46:52Perhaps we're both mad.
00:46:55Me, me, maybe.
00:46:57I, I gotta go, Boris.
00:47:00Try and get out, Boris.
00:47:05Oh, so that's how they made all those movies.
00:47:20Please, please.
00:47:23No.
00:47:40No.
00:47:41No.
00:47:41No.
00:47:42No.
00:47:43No.
00:47:44No.
00:47:47No, no.
00:47:48No, no, no.
00:47:49Basically, all the time you have to avoid the problems.
00:48:14Hello?
00:48:16They're here.
00:48:25well no one ever said i was handsome man what are you doing here merely standing here ominously
00:48:32ma'am does that displease you i didn't hear you come in don't you believe in announcing yourself
00:48:37oh anyway well year seven well what do you want then oh yes lord byron sent me with some good
00:48:47news and some bad news oh what's the bad news master marinus is still dead well what's the good news
00:48:56there is no good news
00:49:26ah come malicia i would like you to meet my family these are my adopted daughters patty
00:49:40maxine and laverne we've met now for a final tribute to marinus
00:49:47stefan will play his favorite musical recording hit it
00:50:00uh
00:50:02uh
00:50:04uh
00:50:04uh
00:50:14Oh, my God.
00:50:40It's an old family custom.
00:50:43Now, if the doctor and your young friend will assist Stefan and I, we'll take the coffin below.
00:50:50Below?
00:50:51Yes, all the orlocks are interred in the family crypt beneath the castle.
00:50:58Where else?
00:51:04I don't like this.
00:51:18What's that?
00:51:19A rubber bat.
00:51:21We keep them down here for atmosphere.
00:51:24Put it up, Eagle.
00:51:27Hey, what's that noise?
00:51:30Rubber rats, no doubt.
00:51:32No, it's coming from inside the coffin.
00:51:35Muscular contractions.
00:51:37Not uncommon after death.
00:51:39Muscular contractions?
00:51:41This guy's doing the chain found a workout in here.
00:51:43Allow me to assure you, Marinus Orlach is dead.
00:51:48You've assured me, and I want you to try convincing him.
00:51:52As I was saying, Marinus has taken his place with the rest of our family.
00:51:57And now I await my turn to share their endless nights of eternal darkness.
00:52:06Gee, it's a little like looking forward to Christmas, isn't it?
00:52:12Now, in accordance with your father's last wish, we shall view the will.
00:52:16You?
00:52:16Apparently, Marinus videotaped his last will and testament.
00:52:20I suppose you might call it the late show.
00:52:33You know, call me frivolous, but you ever wonder what a nice Peruvian tile would look like in here?
00:52:40Maybe not.
00:52:51Hello, I, Marinus Orlach, being of sound mind and in full possession of my mental faculties,
00:52:59herewith declare my last will and testament.
00:53:03But let this not be a somber occasion.
00:53:07Come on, kiddies.
00:53:08Let's have some fun.
00:53:10Whoa!
00:53:13Today, 2S will compete for a fortune in chance and prizes on the Newly Dead Games.
00:53:20And now, here's your host for the Newly Dead Games, the late but irrepressible, Marinus Orlach.
00:53:27Hey, Marinus, come on down!
00:53:35Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
00:53:38Thank you!
00:53:40Thank you, friends and airs.
00:53:43But first, let us meet our two contestants.
00:53:47That's right, Marinus.
00:53:48She's a singer, musician, and composer living in Los Angeles, California.
00:53:52Let's hear it for Marissa Orlach!
00:53:56Contestant number two currently resides in Transylvania.
00:54:00His hobbies include stamp collecting, leather craft, and necrophilia.
00:54:04Ladies and gentlemen, Byron Orlach!
00:54:10Now, I know that Marissa and Byron are both in our viewing audience tonight.
00:54:15So let's take a look at their wonderful prizes.
00:54:39And now it's time for you right here in our studio audience to pick the winner with your applause.
00:54:47Ladies and gentlemen, who will receive this fabulous estate?
00:54:53Is it to be contestant number one, Marissa?
00:54:59Or will it be contestant number two?
00:55:04And the winner is Marissa Orlach!
00:55:10But no one walks away a loser.
00:55:13Johnny, tell Byron about his consolation prize.
00:55:18It's a matching set of Transylvanian tourister luggage.
00:55:22Yes, Byron, you'll probably have to leave the castle now.
00:55:24So here are the bags to send you on your way.
00:55:27And everyone will receive a copy of our home game for playing with family and friends.
00:55:34That's the newly dead game from Parker Bradley, Inc.
00:55:38And now on to our bonus round.
00:55:42Hidden somewhere in the castle, some lucky viewer may find the Book of Ulta.
00:55:49Is that a book?
00:55:51Now let's take a look at our bonus prize clue.
00:55:56If anyone in our viewing audience can solve the mystery clue, the Book of Ulta could be yours.
00:56:06And that's all our time tonight on the newly dead game.
00:56:11For now, this is your host, Marissa Orlach, saying goodnight and goodbye, kiddies!
00:56:29Oh, Uncle Byron, I can tell you're upset.
00:56:33Congratulations, my dear.
00:56:35I know you'll be quite happy at Castle Orlach.
00:56:40As long as you live.
00:56:47I will have that book.
00:57:00He didn't take that very well, did he?
00:57:02Oh, hell, I don't even want this place. Uncle Byron can have it.
00:57:05I think he was a little more concerned about the Book of Ulta.
00:57:08Then I'd say it's imperative you get your hands on that book before he does.
00:57:12Oh, right. I only have three little problems, pal.
00:57:16One, I don't know where it is.
00:57:17Two, I don't know where to look.
00:57:18And three, I have no idea what that clue meant.
00:57:21Then perhaps we should ask someone who does.
00:57:26Marinus Orlach himself.
00:57:44The spirit world is trouble tonight. This seance could be dangerous.
00:57:48Do you think we'll be able to reach my father?
00:57:50Perhaps. Can't you feel it? Death is nearby.
00:57:55Do we have to do this now?
00:57:57I think the night rates are lower.
00:57:59Everyone, join hands.
00:58:02With each other.
00:58:07Now everyone, concentrate.
00:58:09Oh, spirit world, we reach out for you.
00:58:13Do you wish to receive us?
00:58:15If so, give us some sort of sign.
00:58:21I think that's a no.
00:58:25Maybe, but we must press on.
00:58:28Oh, spirit world, we seek audience with Marinus Orlach.
00:58:32Send us a guide that we may find him.
00:58:37What's he doing?
00:58:39He's channeling.
00:58:42Wait a minute.
00:58:43Wrong channel.
00:58:46This is ridiculous.
00:58:48This is absolutely absurd.
00:58:54Doctor, who have we reached?
00:58:55Well, it ain't Howard Hughes, ma'am.
00:58:57Are you our guide to the spirit world?
00:58:59Uh-huh.
00:59:00That's right, sir.
00:59:02Just a couple of things I want to get out right up front.
00:59:03Speak, spirit.
00:59:05Well, first of all,
00:59:06I just found out all my money's still good up here,
00:59:08so have RCA send all my back royalties to me.
00:59:10And second,
00:59:11tell them gumsuckers at the Enquirer
00:59:12that I really am dead.
00:59:13There goes a circulation.
00:59:16Wait a minute.
00:59:17Wait a minute.
00:59:18I'm feeling with the spirit.
00:59:19It's a little stronger than the rest.
00:59:21I'm fading away.
00:59:23I'm fading away.
00:59:24I can feel myself fading away.
00:59:26And don't forget to keep buying my albums.
00:59:29And now,
00:59:31the end.
00:59:37Ladies and gentlemen,
00:59:38Elvis has left the body.
00:59:57Marissa?
01:00:00Marissa, are you okay?
01:00:02Get him away!
01:00:03Marissa, what's wrong?
01:00:05Your mother sells sacks in hell.
01:00:07My mother does what?
01:00:08She's obviously possessed.
01:00:11You're right, Doc.
01:00:12I haven't seen anything like this
01:00:13since they canceled Star Search.
01:00:31Well,
01:00:33that does it for this jacket.
01:00:38Cream the mint.
01:00:41Dexamonite,
01:00:42are you all right?
01:00:43Never felt better.
01:00:47Marissa?
01:00:48Marissa,
01:00:49are you okay?
01:00:50I am
01:00:51the Lady Marissa.
01:00:54Her ancestor?
01:00:55What do you want with Marissa?
01:00:57Byron Orlok
01:00:58must not gain possession
01:00:59of that book.
01:01:00I alone
01:01:01have the power
01:01:02to challenge him.
01:01:04This body
01:01:04shall serve
01:01:05as my dwelling.
01:01:06I think it's already occupied.
01:01:09Boo!
01:01:11You know not
01:01:12what horrors
01:01:13you face.
01:01:14The evil one
01:01:15waits beyond.
01:01:16Beyond where?
01:01:18The evil one
01:01:19waits
01:01:22beyond.
01:01:24Quickly!
01:01:25We must perform
01:01:25an emergency exorcism!
01:01:26What?
01:01:27Fortunately,
01:01:27I took that
01:01:27in my first aid class.
01:01:28Oh,
01:01:29and I wasted time
01:01:29on mouth-to-mouth
01:01:30resuscitation.
01:01:31Hold it tightly, lad.
01:01:32Evil spirit,
01:01:33I cast you out!
01:01:35Be gone.
01:01:36Depart.
01:01:37Withdraw.
01:01:37Take off.
01:01:37Get lost.
01:01:38Get the lid out.
01:01:38Hit the road, Jack.
01:01:39I'm scray!
01:01:42Marissa?
01:01:43What happened?
01:01:44Oh,
01:01:45not much.
01:01:45We just met
01:01:46another family member,
01:01:47that's all.
01:01:47I don't understand.
01:01:49Come, Dexter.
01:01:49She needs rest.
01:01:50We could all
01:01:51use a little sleep.
01:01:52Sleep?
01:01:53In this place?
01:01:54It's all the same
01:01:55to you, Jack.
01:01:56I think I'll stay here
01:01:57and watch
01:01:57the rest of Carson.
01:01:59It's getting a little weird,
01:02:01a little strange.
01:02:02Ha!
01:02:02Ha!
01:02:02Ha!
01:02:02Ha!
01:02:07What's going on
01:02:09up at that cursed castle?
01:02:10Tell me that!
01:02:11No one knows.
01:02:13No one wants to know.
01:02:14I want to know.
01:02:16Gentlemen!
01:02:17Gentlemen!
01:02:18Huh?
01:02:18Byron Orlark is in that castle,
01:02:21and he's brought death
01:02:22and destruction with him.
01:02:24Now, Orlark can stay,
01:02:26but death and destruction
01:02:27have got to go.
01:02:29Ha!
01:02:31God knows what unholy rights
01:02:33he's performing there.
01:02:34Meanwhile,
01:02:35we sit here like sheep.
01:02:36Ha!
01:02:38All this evil must end.
01:02:39Ha!
01:02:40What do we do about it?
01:02:42Let him go on
01:02:43with his black magic
01:02:44or send him back
01:02:45to the hell
01:02:46he came from?
01:02:47Ha!
01:02:49We put that to a vote.
01:02:50Oh, why bother?
01:02:51They're all in this together,
01:02:52those Americans
01:02:53and that Van Helsing fellow.
01:02:54I say we go up there,
01:02:56destroy Byron Orlark,
01:02:58burn down the castle,
01:02:59and kill everyone inside.
01:03:01Ha!
01:03:01Ha!
01:03:03Wait a minute.
01:03:04I'd rather go up there,
01:03:06destroy Byron Orlark,
01:03:07but leave the castle intact.
01:03:08No, no, no.
01:03:09Let's burn the castle,
01:03:10kill everyone inside,
01:03:11but let Byron Orlark be.
01:03:13All right, all right, all right.
01:03:15Who's for destroying Byron Orlark?
01:03:17Yeah!
01:03:18Right.
01:03:19You are group one
01:03:20going the back there.
01:03:21Now,
01:03:21who would like to burn down the castle?
01:03:23Yeah!
01:03:25Right, group two, over here.
01:03:27And finally,
01:03:27who would just like
01:03:28to kill everyone inside?
01:03:31Yeah!
01:03:32Yes, yes,
01:03:32you four are there,
01:03:33right there.
01:03:35What about you, Hans?
01:03:36I'm still considering
01:03:38all me options.
01:03:39Oh, come with us, Hans.
01:03:40Think of the fun
01:03:41we'll have burning
01:03:42down the castle.
01:03:44Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:03:44No!
01:03:45Come with us.
01:03:46We're going to have more fun
01:03:48killing everyone inside.
01:03:49I just don't know.
01:03:51Never mind.
01:03:53You make up your mind
01:03:54when you get there.
01:03:56All right.
01:03:57Take torches,
01:03:59weapons,
01:04:00anything you can carry.
01:04:02Come on, guys.
01:04:04Let's get a real
01:04:05inch of mentality
01:04:07going here.
01:04:08Are you ready, man?
01:04:10Yeah!
01:04:13Yeah!
01:04:15Yeah!
01:04:17Yeah!
01:04:17Yeah!
01:04:17Yeah!
01:04:18Yeah!
01:04:18Yeah!
01:04:19Yeah!
01:04:25Hey, fellas!
01:04:26Wait up!
01:04:34They're all in their rooms.
01:04:36Or in their coffins.
01:04:38Listen, Marissa,
01:04:39I have to find that book.
01:04:41Even if I'm being
01:04:41searching this entire castle
01:04:43from top to bottom.
01:04:43So, you stay here.
01:04:45Oh, no,
01:04:46you're not leaving me behind.
01:04:47I'm here with three
01:04:48homicidal cousins,
01:04:49one lumbering butler,
01:04:50and an uncle
01:04:50who turns off the television
01:04:51with a bazooka launcher.
01:04:52Yeah,
01:04:53Wheely,
01:04:53meet my relatives.
01:04:54Have you ever considered
01:04:55the fact they're really
01:04:56trying to scare you?
01:04:57Yes,
01:04:57and they're doing
01:04:57a fine job.
01:04:59From now on,
01:04:59we stick together.
01:05:01And after this is over,
01:05:02you stay together then?
01:05:04Is that it for possible?
01:05:05Well,
01:05:05I think it more
01:05:06is a proposition.
01:05:07Do you want to hear
01:05:08something funny?
01:05:09What?
01:05:09I could really go
01:05:10for a guy like you.
01:05:12You want to hear
01:05:12something funnier?
01:05:13What?
01:05:14I could really go for you.
01:05:16You're right.
01:05:17That is funnier.
01:05:18Come on.
01:05:18Come on.
01:05:29Come on.
01:05:46trick-or-treat
01:05:48creature of evil be gone
01:05:50what are you some kind of religious nut
01:05:53stand back lest i cast your soul into eternal perdition
01:05:57you're taking this whole thing far too seriously
01:06:01crucifix it it doesn't repel you
01:06:04not particularly besides this whole thing is only a dream sequence
01:06:10dream sequence take my word for it it's only a dream
01:06:14you shouldn't have had those anchovies at dinner well then i guess i'm in no
01:06:17immediate peril not exactly you see whatever happens in a dream could also
01:06:23be happening in real life i see
01:06:27well in that case you're right you're up to your neck in trouble
01:06:44oh
01:07:10one could acquire a taste for this stuff
01:07:19is it just me or are things getting weird
01:07:21no it's just you
01:07:24yeah you hang on these i'll trip over the furniture for a while
01:07:28hey what's behind this door
01:07:30i think i'd rather have this behind the curtain
01:07:34oh my goodness
01:07:36it looks just like it looks just like it yeah 3d
01:07:40wow this is wild
01:07:41look dix
01:07:43put on your 3d glasses now
01:07:46did you bring them i thought you had them
01:07:48i don't have them damn too bad this could have been a great sequence
01:07:52what kind of nutty family did i get myself born into
01:07:56well relax will ya
01:08:09i'll flip you to see your face first
01:08:13you've played a good game boy
01:08:17now your time has come
01:08:19marissa duck
01:08:29a swing and a miss on dexter ward i'll tell you it's a great night for a baseball game
01:08:34i'm stew nahan and we're here at the castle orlock
01:08:37now dexter's having a great year he's hitting 498 i'll tell you that's a big batting average
01:08:43four home runs something like 49 rbis and 16 stolen bases
01:08:49all right here's the windup and the pitch
01:08:53there's the deep drive going out to right field labeski going back
01:08:57he's at the track he's at the wall my gosh it's out of here
01:09:15forward man we must not falter in our purpose
01:09:31what is it
01:09:32what is it
01:09:32there's some sort of supernatural sphere or the damnedest christmas ornament i've ever seen
01:09:37or what will we do now up he's down i'm down he's out
01:09:40well let's get up up
01:09:41hand full
01:09:42sure but i can still help
01:09:43oh let's get the wheel laddy up on his feet
01:09:45help me with his hands hands
01:09:47with hands
01:09:48his hands
01:09:49oh
01:09:51there no
01:09:52there no
01:09:53are you all right
01:09:54am i
01:09:55who am i what film is this
01:09:57off
01:09:57he's coming too
01:09:58oh yes
01:09:59i remember you
01:10:00hands off
01:10:01if you say so
01:10:06you know maybe we should just call it and i've been through enough already
01:10:09you can't think it's keeping me going as raw nervous energy
01:10:12hang on
01:10:13we've looked upstairs we've looked downstairs we've looked everywhere except
01:10:18wait a minute
01:10:20that's it that's gotta be it
01:10:22come on
01:10:25what's it what's gotta be it
01:10:27oh look look she's been pointing the way the whole time
01:10:29i don't see anything
01:10:30yeah sure look
01:10:34doorway to the crypt
01:10:36come on
01:10:55it's gotta be here
01:10:56marissa
01:10:58marissa
01:11:02marissa
01:11:04marissa
01:11:04marissa
01:11:04marissa
01:11:19marissa
01:11:20marissa
01:11:21marissa
01:11:22marissa
01:11:25marissa
01:11:25marissa
01:11:26marissa
01:11:28marissa
01:11:39I did take it with him, but where'd he go?
01:11:52Daddy will be so proud.
01:12:13Good luck would be worth a lot of money right now.
01:12:15Ah, young man.
01:12:17From the first moment I did not recognize you, I knew you would lead us to this book.
01:12:23How can I ever repay you?
01:12:24U.S. currency, large, unmarked bills, thank you.
01:12:27No, I'm afraid you'll never have the opportunity to spend it.
01:12:32That's reassuring.
01:12:34Why is that book so important to you anyway?
01:12:37I've been seeking this volume for nearly 50 years.
01:12:41But now, finally, it's mine.
01:12:48And what do you intend to do with it?
01:12:51Contained within this volume are the mystic incantations, which can summon forth the evil one.
01:12:59Once again, the forces of darkness shall reign, complete and utter chaos.
01:13:08Why would you want to do that?
01:13:12Because I'm evil.
01:13:14Haven't you figured that out yet?
01:13:22Ben Helsing, you've got to stop him!
01:13:24There are several distinct advantages to being a vampire, dear boy.
01:13:33Oh, ancient evil one.
01:13:35Hear these mystic incantations.
01:13:39And come forth!
01:14:05I don't mind dying, but I hate the preliminaries.
01:14:09Byron, our luck!
01:14:18Ah, Lady Marissa, you've come back.
01:14:22And in time for my greatest triumph.
01:14:26I came back to stop you, Byron.
01:14:28You started as a wicked child, grew to a malevolent young man,
01:14:33and now you're a vicious, vile adult.
01:14:38Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.
01:14:40I should have never sent you to that progressive school.
01:14:44But now it's finally time to take things in hand!
01:14:48And I have a few scores to settle with you, dear honours.
01:14:52Ben Helsing, what are you doing? You're supposed to be one of them!
01:14:55Just because you're a vampire, that doesn't make you a bad person.
01:14:58I have absolute power over the evil one.
01:15:02At last, all mankind shall grovel at my feet.
01:15:06And even you, Lady Marissa,
01:15:09will bow and beg my mercy.
01:15:13You know, Byron,
01:15:14you're really starting to piss me off.
01:15:18Oh.
01:15:19Well, adieu, then.
01:15:23Even...
01:15:24to the death.
01:15:35Hey, Orlok!
01:15:42Oh, boy.
01:15:48Don't you know,
01:15:50the devil always wins?
01:15:53Don't you know the devil always wins?
01:16:16You fools!
01:16:18You fools! I'll be back in part two!
01:16:32Dexter, what's going on here?
01:16:35Marissa, I was hoping you could tell me!
01:16:41Oh, that sound! It's horrible!
01:16:44Yeah, it's even worse than my song!
01:16:47Look!
01:17:01Oh, my God!
01:17:03It's the evil one! Come forth to conquer the world!
01:17:10Van Helsing, what are we gonna do?
01:17:12Don't ask me, dear fellow. Vampires, I know, but this love crap stuff is out of my league!
01:17:26Marissa?
01:17:30Marissa?
01:17:31She's being possessed.
01:17:33Again?
01:17:34Yes, she's being repossessed.
01:17:36Sorry, folks.
01:17:38To save yourselves, you must destroy the Book of Ulthar.
01:17:43You're kidding!
01:17:44Destroy it!
01:17:45For this body we'll never put out for you.
01:17:48You got it, lady!
01:18:21Dexter, my good fellow, are you all right?
01:18:25I think so.
01:18:26I sure could have used a stunt double, though.
01:18:28For a moment, we thought you weren't going to make it.
01:18:30You better get him back to the castle.
01:18:32I'll take care of things here.
01:18:33Hey, wait a minute, Doc.
01:18:34You're a vampire now.
01:18:36What are you going to do?
01:18:38Oh, they're not a bad sword, really.
01:18:40Mostly misunderstood.
01:18:42Besides, I always wanted to see how the other half lived,
01:18:44if that's the right word.
01:18:46Well, you two run along.
01:18:55Maybe we can turn this place into a trailer park.
01:19:05What do you think? You think this is a good look for me?
01:19:06Oh, do you ever stop?
01:19:08Oh, come on, Miss Maris.
01:19:10Tomorrow's going to be great.
01:19:11Hey, things will look a lot differently in the morning.
01:19:13It's never morning around here.
01:19:15It's just one endless night.
01:19:20What's that?
01:19:21I don't believe this.
01:19:22It's the same everywhere.
01:19:23You missed one lousy payment,
01:19:24and they shut the power off.
01:19:28Oh, dear.
01:19:31Daddy!
01:19:32Oh, my wrist and my kleine function.
01:19:35Oh, the shame that made him.
01:19:38And you weren't dead after how?
01:19:40No, my dear.
01:19:41I suffer from cataleptic spells which give the appearance of death.
01:19:46Why did you leave home without any word?
01:19:49A family legacy.
01:19:51It is the responsibility of the eldest child to guard the dimensional gateway on our land.
01:19:58Hey, come on, now.
01:19:59All's well with ends well, huh?
01:20:01I mean, the book's gone, and so's old Bob Baringhead over there.
01:20:04Yeah, good riddance to bad rubbish.
01:20:07Daddy, a lot of strange things happen around here.
01:20:10Well, you'll get used to it.
01:20:12It is your responsibility now.
01:20:14As the eldest child, you are obliged to stay here and prevent access of the evil one.
01:20:21As for me, I'm gonna go trout fishing in Canada.
01:20:27Daddy, I have a career.
01:20:28Hmm?
01:20:29I've got a record album and a video due out by the end of the year.
01:20:32Hey!
01:20:35I got an idea.
01:20:37Why don't we put on a show right here?
01:20:40Sweetie, who's this guy?
01:20:42You don't want to know.
01:20:43I don't want to know.
01:20:44I don't want to know.
01:20:53I heard your voice.
01:20:55Thought it was a dream.
01:20:57So many faces.
01:20:59Don't know what's real.
01:21:02I'm screaming in the night.
01:21:04How can I know?
01:21:06What's wrong or right?
01:21:09Hard in the middle of love.
01:21:14How do you know?
01:21:16Hard in the middle of love.
01:21:22Tell me, is it true none of us cast reflections in mirrors?
01:21:25Yes.
01:21:26It makes it a real bitch putting on makeup every night.
01:21:39What's that for?
01:21:40I wanted the movie to end with a bang.
01:21:44I think it's going to.
01:21:46I think it's going to.
01:21:48I think it's going to.
01:21:50I think it's going to.
01:21:50Turn to the left.
01:21:52Put up your fight.
01:21:54I'm upside down.
01:21:56You know it's not right.
01:21:59So crazy as it's all.
01:22:01I'm hanging by my heart.
01:22:03Which way to turn?
01:22:06Hard in the middle of love.
01:22:11Then here you go.
01:22:13Hard in the middle of love.
01:22:18Maybe you know.
01:22:20Hard in the middle of love.
01:22:26How many times did I cry?
01:22:30How come I find you no matter what I try?
01:22:33Talk to me, baby.
01:22:35Say what I want to hear.
01:22:37Do what you will.
01:22:38In my ear.
01:22:55I told you we should have asked for instructions at that last Arco station.
01:23:00Never mind.
01:23:01Where are we?
01:23:02Somewhere between Omaha and Minsk.
01:23:04And where is the Castle Orlach?
01:23:06According to this map, we should be in the living room right now.
01:23:09Something is wrong here.
01:23:11No wonder.
01:23:13This is a map of the Dominican Republic.
01:23:18Men, I say we give up, forget everything, and go home.
01:23:25Orl, wait a minute.
01:23:26I say we give up, forget everything, but not go home.
01:23:29No, no.
01:23:30We should forget that easy.
01:23:32Go home, but never give up.
01:23:35I'll make it compromise.
01:23:36We'll give up, go home, but remember everything.
01:23:40Can we put that to a boat?
01:23:51We're going to go home, but be away, maybe not go home.
01:23:52Bye.