00:00In the sixth grade, Patty was the class monitor, so she was in charge when the teacher left the
00:04room, and she'd never let anyone use the restroom. May I please be excused?
00:10I don't think so.
00:12Thursday. If you ever want to see exactly how long it takes for a regular human being to go
00:19completely crazy with power, I can tell you the exact answer. It takes roughly three seconds,
00:26and I know this because today, Mr. Ray got a stomach ache during fourth period and made
00:32Patty Farrell the class monitor. The second the classroom door clicked shut, Patty practically
00:38sprinted to the teacher's desk. She didn't just sit in the chair. She adjusted the height,
00:44pulled a red pen out of her pocket, and slammed a giant clipboard onto the desk. You would have
00:49thought she just got elected president of the United States. She stood up and announced that
00:55any unauthorized bodily movements would result in an immediate write-up. I don't even know what
01:02that means, but I shifted my weight in my chair, and Patty locked onto me like a heat-seeking missile.
01:08She pointed a red pen right at my nose and yelled,
01:12Gregory, no squirmin', that's a strike one. I tried to tell her that squirming isn't a crime,
01:19but she was already writing my name on the chalkboard in giant, aggressive letters.
01:23She pressed the chalk so hard it squeaked, which made half the class cover their ears.
01:29I looked over at Rowley to see if he was seeing this, but he was sitting perfectly still with his
01:34hands folded on his desk, staring straight ahead like a statue. I am telling you, middle school is
01:41practically a prison, and Patty Farrell is the warden. Friday. I thought Patty's reign of terror would end
01:49yesterday, but apparently Mr. Ray is out with the stomach flu, and our substitute teacher is
01:55practically deaf. The substitute just sat in the back of the room reading a newspaper, which meant
02:01Patty got to keep her monitor privileges. Today, she escalated things. She brought in her own whistle.
02:08She blew it right in my ear when I tried to borrow an eraser from Alex Arruda. I nearly jumped
02:14out of my
02:14skin. Patty told me that the exchange of contraband office supplies was strictly forbidden under her
02:21watch. I told her it was just a pink eraser, and she gave me strike too. The worst part is
02:28that some
02:29of the kids are actually starting to suck up to her. Albert Sandy brought her a shiny red apple before
02:35homeroom, and Patty gave him a hallway immunity pass written on a sticky note. Now Albert is strutting
02:42around the school like he owns the place. I tried to convince Rowley that we needed to start a
02:47resistance movement to overthrow her, but Rowley said his mom told him to always respect authority
02:53figures. Then he actually raised his hand and asked Patty for permission to use his inhaler.
02:59She told him he had to fill out a medical request form first. I swear, I am surrounded by crazy
03:07people.
03:08Saturday. The weekend is supposed to be a safe haven, but I spent my whole morning stressing
03:14out about Monday. I know for a fact that Patty is just sitting in her bedroom right now practicing
03:20writing my name on a chalkboard and coming up with new ridiculous rules. Things at home didn't help
03:26either. At breakfast, Roderick somehow found out that I got a demerit from a girl. He thought this was the
03:34funniest thing in the world. He kept calling me inmate Hefley and asking if Patty was going to
03:40make me do hard labor in the cafeteria. I tried to ignore him, but then Mom overheard and asked what
03:46was going on. When I explained the situation with Patty being the class monitor, Mom completely took
03:53her side. Mom said Patty showed wonderful leadership skills and that I should probably ask her for some
03:59tips on how to be more responsible. I nearly choked on my cereal. If Mom knew that Patty's idea of
04:06leadership was threatening to confiscate everyone's shoelaces because they were a tripping hazard,
04:12she might feel differently. I had to get out of the kitchen before Mom suggested inviting Patty over
04:17for a play date or something horrifying like that. Sunday. I spent all afternoon locked in my room
04:25trying to figure out how to survive the rest of the week. I knew I couldn't just sit there and
04:30take
04:30strike three on Monday. If I get three strikes, Patty said she gets to choose my seat for the rest
04:36of
04:37the semester, and I know she'd stick me right next to Fregley. That's when I finally came up with a
04:43master plan. Patty's biggest weakness is that she's obsessed with the official school rulebook.
04:49She treats it like it's sacred. But I read through the student handbook last year when I was trying
04:55to find a loophole to get out of gym class. There's an obscure rule on page 42 that says,
05:01no student may hold an interim disciplinary position if they are currently missing a library book. And I
05:09happen to know for an absolute fact that Patty checked out Great Women in History three weeks ago and never
05:15returned it, because she bragged about keeping it extra long to study for the spelling bee.
05:21I have my backpack loaded and ready for tomorrow. As soon as she stands up to blow that ridiculous
05:27whistle, I'm going to raise my hand, cite page 42, and demand a full locker inspection by the librarian.
05:35I might not have leadership skills, but if there's one thing I'm good at, it's bringing people down with me.
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