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00:00:25You
00:00:31All right.
00:00:32So, mano a mano, how many girls ask you if Picasso is your real name?
00:00:39One I'd like to talk about, especially since a lot of them argue with me when I tell them
00:00:43it is my real name.
00:00:44Like, how are you going to tell me what my name is?
00:00:46I think I know more about it than you do.
00:00:50She's cute.
00:00:52Bet you 20 bones she has a kid.
00:00:54How can you tell that from one inconspicuous photo?
00:00:57Always trust the bubbling stomach.
00:01:00Why is your stomach bubbling?
00:01:01Just scroll.
00:01:06Ew, Maddie.
00:01:07You're right.
00:01:09Of all the photos you're going to post of your kid, why would you post the one directly
00:01:12after you gave birth?
00:01:14She looks hideous.
00:01:15I guess she was going for the natural beauty thing.
00:01:17Nothing beautiful about that.
00:01:19Is that her placenta?
00:01:21Gladly swiping left.
00:01:23Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:01:24Okay, which one is she?
00:01:26Every photo is her with the same four girls.
00:01:29I'm trying to find Miss right now, and she wants to play where's fucking Waldo.
00:01:33I detest that shit.
00:01:34You know when girls do that?
00:01:35It's usually because they're the ugliest one out of their group of friends.
00:01:38Then it must be this one.
00:01:41Duff, you have been spotted.
00:01:43Ooh, she looks like fucking Beetlejuice.
00:01:47She does.
00:01:49To the left, to the left.
00:01:51Oh, yeah, you're 25.
00:01:5325 times two.
00:01:57Oh, here we go.
00:01:58Officially head over heels.
00:02:00Check it out.
00:02:00Close up of her eye.
00:02:02And, yep, that's her only photo.
00:02:05Who wouldn't want to swipe right?
00:02:06Beats me.
00:02:09Oh, hold on.
00:02:10Let me see something.
00:02:13You've got quite a few messages, Master Picasso.
00:02:16A lot more than I thought you'd have.
00:02:18Well, if you open up the conversation, you'll see that they're mostly just lonely haze that
00:02:21no one ever responded to.
00:02:23You can't just say hey to these girls.
00:02:25The second you match with them, you gotta do something to show them that you're not
00:02:29just one of the millions of guys that want to make bacon with them.
00:02:31But I do want to make bacon with them.
00:02:33Well, you're not going to put anything in the pan with a dry fucking DM like hey.
00:02:37Every hot girl's DM is 50% lewd messages, 50% haze.
00:02:41You gotta find the middle ground.
00:02:43You gotta do something unique.
00:02:44Well, my haze did work on someone.
00:02:47Oh, this girl, Sissany.
00:02:49Yeah.
00:02:50We've been talking for like two weeks.
00:02:51And I can actually keep a conversation going with her.
00:02:54No lags, no pretending to be interested.
00:02:57I mean, it's a good deal.
00:02:58And we text like every day.
00:03:00You guys met in person yet?
00:03:02No.
00:03:03Is a face-to-face meeting in the works?
00:03:05Nope.
00:03:13Dude, what are you st-
00:03:15What is that for?
00:03:16That's for preferring to talk to an attractive young woman on your phone
00:03:19than talking to her pussy lips in real time.
00:03:21I've seen catfish.
00:03:23And if I've learned anything from Nev and Max
00:03:25is that anything that seems too good really is too good.
00:03:28Right now, this girl's on a pillar, you know?
00:03:30She's cool, she's chill.
00:03:31And I don't want to ruin what we have by meeting her in person.
00:03:34Like, what if she's a guy?
00:03:36Or what if she is who she says she is, but her real-life personality pales in comparison
00:03:40to her online personality?
00:03:42When I'm not looking for girls to fuck, I can just sit back, unwind, and shoot the shit
00:03:47with Sissini.
00:03:49What the- what?
00:03:50Stop!
00:03:51Stop!
00:03:51What the fuck kind of logic is that?
00:03:53This girl responded to your boring ass hey and has sustained conversation with you for
00:03:57weeks.
00:03:58She's pretty.
00:03:59She clearly likes the same things as you.
00:04:01Look, she's gotten a Courage the Cowardly Dog shirt for crying out loud.
00:04:04This girl will fuck the potatoes out of you.
00:04:06Yeah, but what if she's a catfish?
00:04:07What if she's not a catfish?
00:04:11Picasso, listen to me with both ears, alright?
00:04:14If you haven't at least discussed the possibility of meeting this girl in person by the next time
00:04:18I see you, I will personally give you a vasectomy with a rusty safety pin.
00:04:24Capisce?
00:04:26Her vagina is calling your name, dude.
00:04:30Oh, Picasso.
00:04:32Oh, Picasso.
00:04:34What are you doing?
00:04:34Just give me that salami.
00:04:36No, just fine.
00:04:37Just give me that sausage.
00:04:39I can take it.
00:04:40Come on, shove it in there, big boy.
00:04:42Stop it.
00:04:42Come on, shove it in there, big boy.
00:04:44Please, stop it.
00:04:44Please, stop it.
00:04:44Please, stop it.
00:04:45You're a sex vomit.
00:04:46Oh, my God.
00:05:03Look, I graduated.
00:05:05Can't do anything if magic made it.
00:05:07That's magic, ain't it?
00:05:09Graduated from public school.
00:05:10That's special ed.
00:05:12Best football team since 13.
00:05:14Their football dreams.
00:05:15Most people waiting.
00:05:17On the sideline waiting for one time in the limelight.
00:05:20But tonight, I'ma shine in the moonlight.
00:05:23Made moves like Michael Jackson.
00:05:25So it's time for action.
00:05:26I go.
00:05:27Graduated to a party bus.
00:05:28I'm going to college.
00:05:29I had enough.
00:05:31Gonna live it up.
00:05:32Pour a drink in the red cup.
00:05:33Trunk wine, gonna throw it up.
00:05:35We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:36We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:42We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:49We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:55Ugh.
00:05:56So many stairs.
00:05:59Well, technically I can get shot anywhere, the fact that this is Inglewood should make
00:06:03a difference.
00:06:04It's actually not that sketch.
00:06:07Looks pretty nice inside.
00:06:10Asshole.
00:06:11No, but are you sure you know the plan?
00:06:13Because you tend to have selective memory and I want to make sure my plan is foolproof.
00:06:18Okay, sad face means call me so I can make an exit elegantly and happy face means I can
00:06:24stay.
00:06:27Okay, thank you very much.
00:06:30Bye, bitch.
00:06:41It'll be fine, it'll be fine, it'll be fine, yeah, I think it'll be fine.
00:07:04Yeah.
00:07:08Hi.
00:07:09Hey.
00:07:44This is a fucking maze.
00:07:46Yeah.
00:07:47There's a side entrance that's closer to my apartment but I thought for the sake of presentation
00:07:50I might as well meet you in front.
00:07:52Well, you should know that I hate walking.
00:07:54If I could ride around in one of those electric shopping carts for the rest of my life, I would.
00:07:59Well, we don't have any electric shopping carts but there's a few janky ones lying around that
00:08:04could push you in one.
00:08:04I might just take you up on that.
00:08:06But only if the card's missing a wheel and it smells like piss.
00:08:09Well, I'll see what I can muster up.
00:08:14How long have we been walking?
00:08:15Uh, less than a minute.
00:08:18My feet hurt already.
00:08:19You really do hate walking.
00:08:21I did warn you.
00:08:22This hallway is kind of sketch.
00:08:25Yeah.
00:08:25I thought the same thing.
00:08:27Sometimes when I'm by myself, I turn around just to make sure I'm not being followed.
00:08:30Oh my god.
00:08:31Imagine if you were.
00:08:32Like, Leatherface was just posted up at the end of the hallway, like, what's up, bruh?
00:08:36Uh, I think I'd turn into Usain Bolt.
00:08:39That's what I'm saying.
00:08:40Not today.
00:08:42See, not me.
00:08:44I am one of those people that would royally piss off the horror movie audience.
00:08:48I just wait to be killed.
00:08:49I mean, what is the point in wasting Leatherface's time giving this illusion that I'm capable
00:08:55of engaging in a foot chase?
00:08:56Nope.
00:08:57Just cut me open.
00:08:58I can handle it.
00:09:00Sure about that?
00:09:02Nope.
00:09:03This hallway still reminds me of The Shining, though.
00:09:05Yeah.
00:09:06Well, if they ever do another remake, they could do it right here.
00:09:08Isn't that infuriating, another remake?
00:09:11The Shining is one of those films that should never be remade.
00:09:15No one will ever come close to what Jack Nicholson was able to achieve.
00:09:20You were supposed to agree with me?
00:09:22I'm not really crazy about The Shining.
00:09:25Well, date's over.
00:09:26Oh, well, I just think it's overrated.
00:09:28And before you draw your sword, I'm not saying it's a bad movie.
00:09:31It definitely had its effective moments, but to say it was the greatest horror movie of
00:09:35all time?
00:09:36I just don't see it.
00:09:37Hey, that film was style over genuine horror.
00:09:40Plus, Cooper put his team through hell.
00:09:43If a director can't destroy the mental health of their cast and crew, they shouldn't call
00:09:48themselves a director.
00:09:49Um, that's a problematic statement.
00:09:53So, but here's what I think.
00:09:55Remakes give filmmakers this opportunity to resurrect previously awful movies.
00:10:00I mean, I can think of so many shitty horror films that could be remade and enriched.
00:10:04But instead, people choose to remake the classics, the films that should have a do not touch sign
00:10:11on them.
00:10:11You can say that again.
00:10:13Do I have to?
00:10:19Oh, not too shabby.
00:10:20Not too shabby at all.
00:10:22This is the abode.
00:10:23I live in a shoebox compared to this.
00:10:27And you have a staircase.
00:10:28See, staircases and apartments to me are just like a fuck you to the rest of us studio apartment folk.
00:10:34Like, not one, but two of my floors are bigger than your entire living space.
00:10:39Oh, there's just a bedroom up there.
00:10:41It's not that great.
00:10:42But here's the test.
00:10:44How many bathrooms do you have?
00:10:46Two.
00:10:47Ugh, that is exceptional.
00:10:49So no one can blow up your bathroom because you have one down here for all your visiting
00:10:52bowel unloads, huh?
00:10:54You don't even use the bathroom down here, do you?
00:10:57Not really.
00:10:59You, young guy, have got it made.
00:11:02Supremant's not that great.
00:11:04I get that you're trying to be unpresuming, but this is a pretty sick pad.
00:11:10I do not see one blemish.
00:11:12Hmm, well then you haven't looked hard enough.
00:11:14Bring your eyes this-a-way.
00:11:17Oh, hiya, destruction.
00:11:18What happened here?
00:11:20Bronx.
00:11:21Bronx as in the borough of New York City?
00:11:24No, Bronx as in my friend's dog, Bronx.
00:11:27Ooh, goddamn Gertrude.
00:11:29My friend Hutt got himself a husky, a very unwise decision.
00:11:33And why is that?
00:11:34Huskies are cuteness overload, like, I need to stop whatever I'm doing and hug your face.
00:11:40No, the cuteness of a husky hampers people's ability to make sound decisions.
00:11:44My friend Hutt got himself a husky, purely on the basis that it was his little wolfie pie,
00:11:50his words, not mine.
00:11:52Hutt got this dog and didn't read up on it.
00:11:54Huskies are balls of energy.
00:11:57They get bored easily, and when they're not stimulated, it's chewing time.
00:12:02But huskies are little wolfie pies.
00:12:04Ugh, I'd love to have a husky.
00:12:06They're always so happy, and their fur is like, they're like little hairy marshmallows.
00:12:11Well, Bronx, the hairy little marshmallow, he'd be left alone in Hutt's apartment, and in no time, he was tearing
00:12:18the place apart.
00:12:19And Hutt didn't want to get mad at the dog because it was his little pup pup.
00:12:23Hutt had to get a new couch, new curtains, new shoes, all thanks to Bronx.
00:12:28You get off Bronx's back, alright?
00:12:31Also, if you knew what he was capable of, why did you let him stay at your apartment?
00:12:37Especially since you don't seem like a dog person.
00:12:40I'm not a dog person, but I was doing a friend a favor.
00:12:43Hutt had to go on a business trip.
00:12:45Plus, Hutt had told me that Bronx was taking puppy training classes, so I thought I didn't have anything to
00:12:52worry about.
00:12:52I left Bronx downstairs while I went upstairs to bed, and the next morning, I saw that the little wolfie
00:12:58pie had snapped on my apartment.
00:13:00And the shedding?
00:13:02These guys shed like nobody's business, just white hair clumps everywhere, turned my living room into an Alaskan winter.
00:13:10So, are you gonna fix the wreckage?
00:13:13I got a guy coming next week, and Hutt gave me money to pay for the damages, but this looks
00:13:19terrible, doesn't it?
00:13:21Yeah, but it doesn't take away from how bitchin' this pad is.
00:13:25I'd still take your place over mine any day of the week.
00:13:29For a second, though, I thought those scratches were the result of the victim trying to escape.
00:13:35Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
00:13:37You're welcome.
00:13:38I tried to go along with the last girl who made that joke, but apparently I was too convincing because
00:13:44her whole demeanor changed,
00:13:46and she called the Uber with the quickness.
00:13:49Well, this is kind of American cycle-y.
00:13:52You know, young guy living in a nice place by himself, nonetheless, right?
00:13:57Yeah.
00:13:58You could so be a serial killer.
00:14:01The same could be said about you.
00:14:02People always think it's the guy who invites the girl over to kill her, but what about the girl that
00:14:07comes over the guy's house to kill him?
00:14:09You're right. Femme Patels, they are out there.
00:14:13Online dating requires so much trust.
00:14:15Yeah.
00:14:16My biggest fear is that I'm gonna meet Justine, only to find out that she's really Justin.
00:14:22Ugh.
00:14:23But the fact that I could be meeting someone that could possibly end my life or cause me great harm,
00:14:30something I don't think about as much as I should.
00:14:32Well, that's a reality I've experienced set on.
00:14:37Seriously?
00:14:39Yeah.
00:14:42It was a little over three years ago.
00:14:44I met this guy on this app.
00:14:47It was on a different one I used to use.
00:14:49I don't use it anymore.
00:14:52Um, but we'd been talking for a couple months and I thought he was, I was trying to think of
00:15:03another word for Mr. Perfect, but whatever.
00:15:05He was Mr. Perfect.
00:15:07I should have known that Mr. Perfect is never Mr. Perfect.
00:15:12He was Mr. Perfect at pretending to be Mr. Perfect.
00:15:16But anyway, we decided to meet up and I had the bright idea of inviting him over to my place.
00:15:25As soon as he got there, I knew that he didn't actually want to spend time with me.
00:15:29Just, he wanted to do the deed.
00:15:33Everything he said had something to do with sex and I immediately knew this was gonna suck.
00:15:41So, I wanted to watch a movie on my shitty little couch, but he insisted that we watch it on
00:15:47my bed.
00:15:48Another trap I fell into.
00:15:51But, I just, I felt uncomfortable and I thought, be nice, watch the movie and maybe he'll go home.
00:16:01And, not five minutes into the movie, he's kissing me and just being really rough.
00:16:08And I tried pushing him off, but then he just got stronger and he made this really awkward eye contact.
00:16:15And he said, you want me to leave, right?
00:16:19Well, I will.
00:16:20Right after this.
00:16:24And, here's the kicker.
00:16:27I, I didn't fight back.
00:16:30I didn't scream.
00:16:32I, I could have done anything in my power to get him off.
00:16:37I could have done all these things that I always told myself I'd do if something like this would ever
00:16:42happen to me.
00:16:44But, then I thought I could be the next headline on one of those Facebook articles.
00:16:52Woman raped and murdered by online date.
00:16:57So, I just lied there.
00:17:01And I cried.
00:17:03And I guess that turned him off because he got off of me and left.
00:17:11And then he blocked me and I never heard from him again.
00:17:18I'm sorry.
00:17:20Things just got really fucking dark.
00:17:22Note to self, don't tell almost getting raped stories.
00:17:26And now I'm trying to make light of it.
00:17:28Oh, my God.
00:17:29There's no coming back from this, is there?
00:17:33Thanks for sharing that with me.
00:17:35And now you're thanking me.
00:17:37I don't even know what to say.
00:17:38Oh, my God.
00:17:39This is like something you share on the 15th date.
00:17:42No, it's...
00:17:44You're right.
00:17:45I don't know what I should be saying, but...
00:17:47That guy's the hideous fucking guy.
00:17:51Yeah, it wasn't a great time for me.
00:17:53I mean, I almost stopped online dating altogether, but it's like...
00:17:57If you get attacked at a grocery store, you're gonna stop food shopping?
00:18:00No.
00:18:02No.
00:18:02No, I'm really not trying to make light of this.
00:18:05I just...
00:18:05No.
00:18:06You're fine.
00:18:09So I thought I'd give it another chance, and...
00:18:12I know most people in my position wouldn't do that, but...
00:18:15You're strong.
00:18:16No.
00:18:18Yeah.
00:18:19If you say so.
00:18:23Took me a long-ass time to get back here, but...
00:18:26Here I stand, and...
00:18:28Thankfully, since then, all I've had to deal with is harmless hoosers.
00:18:33I hope I don't become one of those harmless losers.
00:18:36Oh, only the night will come.
00:18:38Okay, I know it'll get us back on track.
00:18:40You got any outfit?
00:18:41Yes.
00:18:41What do you want?
00:18:42Bud Light?
00:18:43No.
00:18:44Budweiser?
00:18:46No.
00:18:47Sam Adams?
00:18:49No.
00:18:50Okay, what do you have?
00:18:51I have apple ale.
00:18:53Anything else?
00:18:57No.
00:18:58So, you asked me what I wanted when you already knew you only had one selection of alky.
00:19:03I was hoping you'd ask for apple ale.
00:19:05That's not even a real beer.
00:19:07That's like promising me a ticket to a Destin's Child reunion concert, only to find out Beyonce won't be there.
00:19:14Michelle and Kelly are talented in their own right.
00:19:17In their own right? That was such a backhanded compliment.
00:19:19That's not what I meant. They are talented.
00:19:22The only thing they did was elevate Beyonce's eminence.
00:19:25They'd sing and dance circles around you.
00:19:26Well, of course they would.
00:19:28I'm not musically or rhythmically inclined.
00:19:30I think Michelle has a great voice.
00:19:33And so does Kelly.
00:19:34You cannot underplay their journey.
00:19:36Their journey on Beyonce's back?
00:19:38Technical foul.
00:19:40Okay, but who's the first person you think of when you hear the words Destiny's Child?
00:19:44Beyonce?
00:19:45No, I actually think of Michelle.
00:19:47Have you ever been thrown out of your own apartment?
00:19:49Picasso, the only reason Destiny's Child exists was to prepare Beyonce for the phenomenal solo career that she was destined
00:19:56for.
00:19:57That's all any boy or girl group is.
00:19:59They're meant to showcase how great the lead singer is so they can go solo and become megastars.
00:20:04Look at NSYNC.
00:20:05Who's the first person you think of?
00:20:06Justin Timberlake.
00:20:07No, JC.
00:20:09I always thought he had a better voice than Jay Timms.
00:20:11Jay Timms?
00:20:12What is he, your fucking golf buddy?
00:20:15Okay, fine.
00:20:16Forget NSYNC.
00:20:17What about Backstreet Boys?
00:20:18Who do you think of?
00:20:19Bryant?
00:20:20No.
00:20:21Actually, AJ.
00:20:22Okay, now you're deliberately disagreeing with me.
00:20:24You know I'm right.
00:20:26Okay, here we go.
00:20:28B2K.
00:20:28Who drove that group?
00:20:30Omarion.
00:20:31Yes.
00:20:32IMX?
00:20:33Marcus Houston.
00:20:34Mm-hmm.
00:20:35H-Town?
00:20:36Dino.
00:20:37Can you imagine what that feels like?
00:20:39To know the group you're in wouldn't be shit without the lead singer?
00:20:42You know, your millions of fans are probably just fans of the lead singer.
00:20:46Hmm.
00:20:47Wait, so did you still want that apple ale?
00:20:50I mean, since there's nothing else, fine.
00:21:05Thank you, thank you.
00:21:06Yep, yep.
00:21:10So what's the deal with your name?
00:21:11I gotta get to the bottom of this.
00:21:13What do you mean what's the deal with it?
00:21:14Is Picasso your real name?
00:21:16I'm sure you've answered that a million times, but you've never answered me.
00:21:19My real name is Picasso.
00:21:21It's spelled like Picasso, but it's pronounced Pic-a-so.
00:21:25And who decided Picasso is the name for you?
00:21:28The legend goes that my mom had a list of names, and she didn't know which one to pick.
00:21:34And my dad was very, very impatient.
00:21:37Annoyingly so.
00:21:38Pic!
00:21:39Pic!
00:21:41Pic a fucking name, you trick-ass bitch!
00:21:44My dad would never talk to my mom about that.
00:21:46I was just taking some creative liberties.
00:21:47Okay, I think I know how this ends.
00:21:49Your dad kept telling your mom to pick.
00:21:51She got fed up and named you Picasso as a former rebellion.
00:21:55No.
00:21:56Picasso was actually one of the names on her list.
00:22:0024 years later and I still don't know where she got it from.
00:22:02She swears it had nothing to do with Pablo Picasso, and she gets really upset when people say,
00:22:08Well, isn't his name Picasso?
00:22:10She's adamant that I was named Picasso and I shouldn't let anyone call me Picasso.
00:22:14Well, wouldn't she be proud?
00:22:16I've been calling you Picasso all night and you haven't corrected me.
00:22:19I won't correct anyone.
00:22:20I wish my name was Picasso, that's why I answered to it.
00:22:23Picasso sounds like the villain in an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog.
00:22:26I could so see that.
00:22:28For some reason I'm envisioning a spider-like scarecrow that comes to life and eats your happiness.
00:22:35Oh, I'd watch that episode.
00:22:37Bet your ass you'd watch that episode.
00:22:40So I have something.
00:22:42Why online dating?
00:22:45Because it's there.
00:22:46I feel like that's so generation-wide.
00:22:49We're too school for cool.
00:22:51We refuse to find romance the way our parents did.
00:22:54We have to do it technologically.
00:22:56Isn't that so ironic though?
00:22:58That we're connecting with someone on a device that isolates us from any and everyone?
00:23:05I was so Jaden Smith just then.
00:23:07Wait, I have a Jaden Smith-ism.
00:23:08I wish I had a giant toilet to flush away the world's problems.
00:23:14Whoa.
00:23:15Thank you, thank you.
00:23:16If baby goats are called kids, can kids be called baby goats?
00:23:20Mmm.
00:23:23Haircuts are cranial abortions.
00:23:28Are we reading books?
00:23:30Are books reading us?
00:23:34What about you?
00:23:35Why was online dating the way to go?
00:23:37Phone to safety net.
00:23:39Online you can be anyone.
00:23:40You can say anything.
00:23:42If you get rejected by a girl, you can just block her.
00:23:45But if you get shut down in real life, you gotta wallow in that defeat.
00:23:48You can't just act like nothing happened like you can online.
00:23:52Yeah, but in the same respect, when you meet someone in person, even if they're not interested,
00:23:58they still have to acknowledge you.
00:23:59I mean, at least the manly person will acknowledge you.
00:24:02You're there in the flesh making your interests known.
00:24:05Whereas online you get so many messages that people don't respond to.
00:24:10You know, there's nothing that compels people to give you a chance.
00:24:13You know, there's thousands of options online.
00:24:15You'll get it in eventually.
00:24:17Hmm.
00:24:18I didn't mean that.
00:24:19I was just like...
00:24:20Removes foot for mouth?
00:24:28Hello, nurse.
00:24:31Are you afraid of the dark?
00:24:33The complete series.
00:24:37That sounded unenthusiastic.
00:24:39Are you afraid of the dark is such a whatever show.
00:24:41When it comes to children's horror anthology, Goosebumps takes the cake.
00:24:45You think Goosebumps was a better show than Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:48Sisini, I'm worried about you.
00:24:50It was light years better than Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:24:53Ask anyone.
00:24:54Clearly you need a mental evaluation if you're gonna put Goosebumps over Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:24:59I mean, on a crappy acting scale, sure.
00:25:03Are You Afraid of the Dark had less crappy performances.
00:25:05But come on, if we're talking about the nostalgia factor, nothing will trump Goosebumps.
00:25:12This is a series that won the kiddies over in television and literature.
00:25:17Mad props to R.L. Stine, alright?
00:25:19Nah.
00:25:19There was just something so accessible about Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:25:23Here you have a diverse group of kids.
00:25:25Well, as diverse as you can get for a Canadian-based program set in the 90s.
00:25:30But these kids had their own little clique, the Midnight Society.
00:25:34And they sit around and tell campfire tales.
00:25:37What kid can't relate to telling ghost stories with their friends?
00:25:40The concept alone stole my heart.
00:25:43But Goosebumps was just so goddamn fun.
00:25:47See, there it is. Fun.
00:25:49I will agree that Goosebumps was funner, or more fun.
00:25:53Why isn't funner a real word?
00:25:55It sounds like a real word.
00:25:57I think it sounds like a real word.
00:25:59Picasso, please, focus.
00:26:01Goosebumps was fun, but Are You Afraid of the Dark was scary.
00:26:05That's why it will always fart on Goosebumps.
00:26:09The Goosebumps episodes, for the most part, were watered down.
00:26:13You could tell they were made for kids.
00:26:15But Are You Afraid of the Dark had zero chill.
00:26:19The villains were scary.
00:26:21The storylines were dark.
00:26:22And they had no problem ending a tale on a down note.
00:26:26They went there.
00:26:27I always appreciate kid content that doesn't censor itself.
00:26:31Because kids are basically pint-sized adults, right?
00:26:35We can handle the bleak shit.
00:26:38I'm just saying, if I had the choice to binge watch Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:26:45I'm always gonna go with Goosebumps.
00:26:47Even if my preference is solely based on the fond memories I have of buying as many Goosebumps stories as
00:26:54I could at the school book fair or watching the show on Saturday mornings.
00:26:58The happiness that Goosebumps brought me ranks it leaps and bounds above Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:27:09I know what I wanted to ask you. How much is rent here?
00:27:12Uh, like 200 something?
00:27:13Fall off a cliff. You pay 200 and something to live here?
00:27:16Oh well, I own it, that's why.
00:27:18You're a homeowner?
00:27:20Yeah.
00:27:21You own a home?
00:27:23That is what homeowner means.
00:27:25Are you like low-key a millionaire or something?
00:27:27No.
00:27:29My grandfather built cars for Ford.
00:27:31He worked there for almost 30 years.
00:27:34He made some very nice money.
00:27:36And when he passed, he left me a little dough.
00:27:39A little dough to buy a fucking condo.
00:27:42How much did this place cost?
00:27:44No, you don't have to answer that.
00:27:46Wait, yes you do. How much?
00:27:48It was not cheap.
00:27:50That's what I will say.
00:27:52So, what kind of car do you drive, Beamer?
00:27:54No, a Prius.
00:27:56A Prius?
00:27:57What's wrong with Priuses?
00:27:59Do you know how much gas you save with a Prius?
00:28:01Priuses are such anti-climactic cars, you know?
00:28:04They're also fugly and they're in abundance.
00:28:07I see like 40 Priuses a day and they always make me upset.
00:28:10Why?
00:28:12Prius drivers are so smug.
00:28:13Like, ooh, look at me.
00:28:15I drive the most fuel-efficient gasoline-powered car in the country.
00:28:18And that's not a good thing?
00:28:20No, it is.
00:28:22Then why so hostile?
00:28:24I don't know.
00:28:25I'll get back to you on that.
00:28:27Also, why are you driving a Toyota car when your grandfather put his blood, sweat and tears
00:28:33into proudly serving the Ford Motor Company?
00:28:36You could probably get discounts on Ford products.
00:28:38Mmm, not at all.
00:28:40Well, you're still lucky.
00:28:42Not that your grandpa died, I'm sorry about that.
00:28:44But leaving you the inheritance?
00:28:47I wish my grandpa would die and leave me some money.
00:28:51Actually, I don't need the money.
00:28:52I just wish my grandpa would die.
00:28:54I don't like my grandpa.
00:28:56He can't say anything without yelling.
00:28:57He always spits when he talks.
00:29:00He can't say thank you.
00:29:02And he always smells like olives when he doesn't even eat olives.
00:29:05Isn't it interesting how in our old age we revert back to infancy?
00:29:09We shit on ourselves freely.
00:29:10We drool when we're excited.
00:29:13Soft foods are marvelous.
00:29:15And we can say whatever we want without any backlash.
00:29:18I remember I was at the mall with my grandpa and this really obese lady walked by.
00:29:25And my grandfather said very loudly, she got the knot of neck syndrome.
00:29:33Grandpa, what is knot of neck?
00:29:36And he said, no damn neck.
00:29:41The lady heard him.
00:29:43She turned around, looked at him and then walked away.
00:29:48Now, if I had said that.
00:29:50She would have beaten the ambition out of me.
00:29:52Exactly.
00:29:53And that wasn't the first or the last time my grandfather said something crazy like that.
00:29:57Now, my mom isn't the best cook, but she tries.
00:30:02Every Sunday, she would make us breakfast.
00:30:05Pancakes, eggs, fruit, you name it.
00:30:08Now, her eggs weren't so bad, but her pancakes were a calamity.
00:30:13Now, my father and I, we never say anything about it.
00:30:18We just eat the pancakes and pretend they were the best flapjacks that we ever had.
00:30:23My grandfather came over one Sunday and he ate the food, no problem.
00:30:29But after breakfast, my mom asked him how he liked the pancakes.
00:30:32And he said he would like them better if they didn't taste like hot shit.
00:30:38God damn, Gertrude.
00:30:39My mom didn't even get offended.
00:30:41She just looked at him, laughed, and walked away.
00:30:46I look forward to that.
00:30:47Just being an old dude who doesn't know how to censor himself.
00:30:50You and me both.
00:30:52I'm going to mow kids down in my electric shopping cart.
00:30:58I thought of our generation being grandparents, though, is a little scary.
00:31:02We don't have the same sensibilities our grandparents had.
00:31:05Sock hops, having to wait a whole week just to see a new episode of a TV show.
00:31:11Using landlines.
00:31:13Respecting our elders.
00:31:14Actually working to get what you want.
00:31:16Actually having talent to find success in the film and music industry.
00:31:20Having to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend's parents before you can actually call yourselves a couple.
00:31:25I think our biggest downfall are the pop culture figures.
00:31:29Our parents and grandparents grew up with legit legends.
00:31:32Who are we supposed to brag about to our kids or grandkids?
00:31:36Fetty Wap, Lil Yachty, Bieber the boy wonder?
00:31:39We have J. Cole, Bryson Tiller, and your girl Beyonce.
00:31:44We got a few icons among us, but you're right.
00:31:47It's nowhere near as special as it used to be.
00:31:49This is making me sad now.
00:31:52Wait.
00:31:53Random realization.
00:31:55You grilled me about my name, but I've never met anybody named Sisany.
00:32:00Your name's pretty out there, too.
00:32:02Well, it's a pretty uninspired story.
00:32:05I was conceived in Sisany.
00:32:06That's pretty much it.
00:32:08Where's Sisany?
00:32:09It's in Greece.
00:32:10My parents were vacationing there.
00:32:12Things got a little frisky, and then nine months later I was plunged into consciousness.
00:32:18The only difference is my name is spelled with an E at the end.
00:32:21Isn't that unpleasant that your name brings to mind your parents having sex?
00:32:24No.
00:32:25If my parents named me after the place where they got it on, I could never hear my name without
00:32:29thinking of my parents doing unspeakable things.
00:32:33You may have some things you need to work out then.
00:32:39You are such a guy.
00:32:42I feel like I should be offended by that.
00:32:43No, that's not a bad thing.
00:32:45It's just your apartment is a guy's apartment.
00:32:48Minimal furniture, TV larger than necessary, and I'm getting a vision that in one of your cabinets you have a
00:32:55family-sized bag of chips in it.
00:32:57Sour cream and onion?
00:32:59How do you do it?
00:33:01As good.
00:33:03So, what do you do for fun around here?
00:33:11Aha.
00:33:15Kobe.
00:33:15You lucky little shit.
00:33:17Is it luck to win seven times in a row?
00:33:19This is skill, Chica.
00:33:21No, reset that shit.
00:33:22Why are you doing this to yourself?
00:33:25Hm?
00:33:31Three, two, one.
00:33:34Ray Allen with the shot.
00:33:36Booyah!
00:33:37Where's the sportsmanship?
00:33:39It is up my ass and down the street.
00:33:43You don't have to do that.
00:33:44I'll pick it up.
00:33:45Can you get me another ale, though?
00:33:46Sure can.
00:33:48Loser.
00:33:51Oh, goodness.
00:33:52Everywhere.
00:34:10Look what I found.
00:34:12This is actually impressive.
00:34:14You could easily get your rocks off of the internet, but you are taking it back to the old school
00:34:19with the hard copy porn.
00:34:21That deserves a slow clap.
00:34:25I actually forgot I had that.
00:34:27So, you're taking ownership then.
00:34:29No cockamamie excuses?
00:34:31What can I say?
00:34:32Your friend hot left it?
00:34:34Nope.
00:34:35Tell me.
00:34:36You got a lot of these?
00:34:38Not a lot, but there are others.
00:34:41More honesty.
00:34:42Good for you.
00:34:43One thing I will say is I don't always look through that for gratification.
00:34:47I also do it because I find something feministic about porn stars.
00:34:51You're doing so well.
00:34:53Now you're flinging shit in my face.
00:34:55I mean, doing porn isn't a glamorous line of work, despite the way it's advertised, but I still find something
00:35:02feministic about women in the porn industry.
00:35:05Yeah.
00:35:06Come in my face, Mr. Postman.
00:35:08What freedom fighters they are.
00:35:10Well, on a cursory level, it seems very demeaning, but these women are loaded.
00:35:17Loaded with semen?
00:35:19No.
00:35:20Well, yeah, but they're also loaded with cash.
00:35:23They get paid to screw.
00:35:26So, if you had a daughter and she ended up being a porn star, you'd support her?
00:35:31I wouldn't want that, but if she's of age, she can make a living however she'd like, as long as
00:35:36it's legal.
00:35:37You don't mean that.
00:35:38Look, women are sexualized every day against their will.
00:35:42Porn stars are totally and completely in control of what goes in or out of their bodies.
00:35:47They're not doing anything that they don't want to do.
00:35:50Yeah, but what about those videos where the dudes take it too far?
00:35:53They go way past their co-star's comfort level without an ounce of compassion.
00:35:57Those guys are dick shits.
00:35:59But for the most part, the porn industry has stipulations that are respected.
00:36:02I'm not saying that women should set their sights on doing porn.
00:36:05Of course not.
00:36:06I am saying those women that, for whatever reason, find themselves in that world,
00:36:11the ones with tough skin, the ones who know that they're more than just fat titty bimbo number two,
00:36:17they deserve recognition for paying the bills with the assets that they've been blessed with.
00:36:21The assets they were blessed with.
00:36:24Um, like 90% of porn stars have fake asses, fake boobs, fake hair, fake lips, fake eyes.
00:36:32Well, they were blessed with the money to adorn themselves.
00:36:34Yeah, but why are they doing that?
00:36:36They're doing that to follow some beauty chart that was created by some fucking vermin
00:36:41who thinks he has the authority to decide what makes a woman attractive.
00:36:44Yeah, but they're doing what they have to do to stay in the game.
00:36:47Yeah, but in the end, it's the men who call the shots.
00:36:50Hardly feministic.
00:36:51But the face of porn, the ones that are keeping this industry as popular as it is, are the women.
00:36:58Yeah, but look at the side effects.
00:37:00You got those guys out there that only know how to relate to women by what they see on their
00:37:04computer screens.
00:37:05Did you forget what happened to me?
00:37:07You're totally right.
00:37:08I'm just saying that porn stars are just doing their jobs.
00:37:11You can't blame them for the dummies out there that don't know the difference between reality and fantasy.
00:37:16That's like watching Man of Steel and saying, oh, Superman can fly.
00:37:22So can I.
00:37:23We both tried.
00:37:24And they're dummies, like I said.
00:37:26But porn can be a means to better oneself.
00:37:29Like, look at that girl who did porn to pay her tuition.
00:37:31She used what she had to get what she needed.
00:37:33And that's awesome.
00:37:34I know a guy that has sex with grannies to keep himself financially satiated and he's hailed for it.
00:37:41Female porn stars deserve praise too.
00:37:43You have a friend that has sex with old ladies for money.
00:37:48That is revolting.
00:37:50Gotta eat.
00:37:51No pun intended.
00:37:52That pun was so intended.
00:37:54How old is this guy?
00:37:5624.
00:37:57Of course he is.
00:37:59Yet another generation wide distinction.
00:38:02Only a 90s baby would mitigate his probity by investing in his dick.
00:38:06You act like prostitution and being a sugar baby are new professions.
00:38:11They've been around for centuries.
00:38:13I know that.
00:38:14But back then people had to sell their bodies because they had no other way to provide for themselves.
00:38:19They also weren't proud of what they were doing.
00:38:22Does this guy enjoy having sex with grannies?
00:38:24Oh yeah.
00:38:26Ew.
00:38:27Sex is for pleasure, not profit.
00:38:29I've always thought that any work that was legal was good work.
00:38:33And porn is legal.
00:38:35Prostitution isn't legal.
00:38:36It is in Nevada.
00:38:37Being a sugar baby isn't legal either.
00:38:39It actually is.
00:38:40The guy I told you about, he actually explained how it works.
00:38:43He hangs out with the grannies, but there's never an explicit deal to exchange money for sex.
00:38:48This guy, he's pretty vulgar.
00:38:51He talks about sex a lot, but it's more than that.
00:38:55His sugar mamas take care of him and he provides them with companionship.
00:38:59Sex is just a bonus.
00:39:01Doesn't matter which way you frame it.
00:39:03Prostitution, sugar babying, porn, none of that's reputable.
00:39:08What is reputable?
00:39:09A job that requires you to keep your clothes on.
00:39:12You're in finance, right?
00:39:14Yeah.
00:39:16That's a real job.
00:39:17But it's not a job that I enjoy.
00:39:19Then why do you do it?
00:39:21Because it pays well.
00:39:23Look, a person like my grandpa, he worked to take care of his family.
00:39:26I don't even know if he liked working for Ford, but he did it.
00:39:29That's the old school mentality.
00:39:31Work to provide, not work to enjoy.
00:39:34That's something our generation does get right though.
00:39:36We don't do shit unless it makes us happy.
00:39:40I missed the memo apparently.
00:39:43So, how did you get into finance if you don't like it?
00:39:47You're probably going to think I'm flinging more shit in your face, but seeing a year of
00:39:51high school, I saw everyone around me latch onto a field of study.
00:39:56I saw everyone find something that they really connected with.
00:40:01I didn't know what I wanted to do and I didn't want anyone to know that I didn't know what
00:40:05I wanted to do.
00:40:06So, literally, I looked up the top 10 most popular professions.
00:40:11I wrote them all down on separate pieces of paper.
00:40:14I put them in a hat and I picked one and set accounting.
00:40:21So, you spent four years studying something you have no interest in.
00:40:26Yeah.
00:40:27I thought by the time I turned 18, I should have found my calling.
00:40:30And when I hadn't, I was worried.
00:40:32Even now, I don't really know where I'd be if I hadn't done that college major raffle.
00:40:38I live my days as a chameleon.
00:40:40I go to work because that's what people my age do.
00:40:44I drink coffee because that's what people my age do.
00:40:49The only time I don't feel out of place is when I'm sitting on my futon watching TV.
00:40:54That's why I salute porn stars and the people that you may call degenerates because at least
00:40:59they're doing what they enjoy.
00:41:02And speaking of doing things you enjoy, you're a dramaturg.
00:41:06I've never even heard of that before you.
00:41:08But it's something that you're keen on.
00:41:11You contextualize the world of a play.
00:41:14You're the bridge that connects the text, the actors, and the audience.
00:41:20Do you know what any of that means?
00:41:22Are you just snowballing the shit I told you before?
00:41:25A little bit of both, but I'm mostly snowballing.
00:41:29We're theatrical gurus, basically.
00:41:32We're critical thinkers to the highest degree.
00:41:36We take literary info, cultural info, artistic info, and symbolic info, though that's pretty much in line with artistic info.
00:41:45And we provide all of that to our team before and during the show.
00:41:49And then sometimes after, depending on how much of a mindfuck the play was.
00:41:54And you're working on an ecological piece now, right?
00:41:56The Shakespeare one?
00:41:57Yeah, we're doing an interactive adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
00:42:01There's no actual set.
00:42:03It takes place all outside.
00:42:04We're really playing with nature's role in this world that Shakespeare created.
00:42:09Whether he knew it or not, he really gave a voice to nature in the form of fairies.
00:42:14The forest is their home.
00:42:16The forest is what they know.
00:42:18The fairies, creatures that embody nature, they're the strongest characters in the entire play.
00:42:23And the fact that they're proficient in enchantment conveys just how dominant nature is.
00:42:30So we're really trying to bring all that out.
00:42:32I'd really like to see that.
00:42:34I can get you a ticket.
00:42:37But here's my thing about ecological theater.
00:42:39I saw this play once.
00:42:41I don't know what it was called, but it was about these two polar bears that were struggling
00:42:45to survive in a changing climate.
00:42:47One thing I could not get over was why these polar bears spoke like people.
00:42:52And not just any people.
00:42:53They spoke like characters in a mammoth play.
00:42:55Like F-words and all.
00:42:57I think I know what play you're talking about.
00:42:59Ben and Bart.
00:43:00Sure.
00:43:01But if you really want to create an ecological theater piece,
00:43:04wouldn't it be best to show animals and nature as they really are?
00:43:07I mean, I understand what you and your team are doing.
00:43:10But that's different because you're working with material that already exists.
00:43:14But this Ben and Bart stuff?
00:43:17Polar bears don't talk!
00:43:18This little buddy comedy approach, it diminished how serious climate change is,
00:43:23and it humanized a very non-human narrative.
00:43:27It would have been much more compelling to let actors that actually look like bears
00:43:32move around the space and react to what's going on without talking.
00:43:35I'd be all for that, but most audiences won't pay to see something like that.
00:43:40That's why you see talking trees or talking polar bears.
00:43:43We try to wrap an ecological message into the play without the audience knowing.
00:43:48Then don't advertise them as ecological plays.
00:43:51Just call them plays.
00:43:53You got any food?
00:43:55I think some chips would make you happy.
00:43:57I think you're right.
00:44:00Okay, here's one.
00:44:02Kill, fuck, marry, Meg, Princess Jasmine, and Princess Tiana.
00:44:09That is quite the roster.
00:44:10I would fuck Princess Jasmine because you know Aladdin's not giving it to her, right?
00:44:16I would marry Princess Tiana because I really think she'd make me feel invincible.
00:44:21Sorry, Meg.
00:44:22Of course you'd kill the most underrated Disney princess in the world.
00:44:27What other princess gives you cynicism, beauty, and backup?
00:44:30Still gotta kill her.
00:44:31You're such an ass dragon.
00:44:33Okay.
00:44:33Those are getting serious.
00:44:35Hmm.
00:44:36Prince Charming, Lee Shang, and the beast in human form.
00:44:41Um, jeez.
00:44:42Okay.
00:44:43Kill Prince Charming.
00:44:44He's too much of a square for me.
00:44:46Marry Lee Shang because I think he'd make a man out of me.
00:44:49And fuck the beast because he's a beast.
00:44:53Ah, that's a noble selection.
00:44:55Oh, yes.
00:44:56Ursula, Cruella de Vil, and Lady Tremaine.
00:45:00Ooh.
00:45:01I'd kill Cruella immediately.
00:45:02She's too skinny for me.
00:45:03I would marry Lady Tremaine and I would fuck Ursula.
00:45:08I'm swimming all up in that octopussy.
00:45:10Oh, my God.
00:45:11You really just said that.
00:45:13Ugh.
00:45:14Okay.
00:45:15I get very involved in my players' games, okay?
00:45:17Alright.
00:45:19Jafar, Hades, and Gaston.
00:45:23Now, you'd think I'd fuck the muscle-bound Gaston, right?
00:45:26Hell no.
00:45:27He'd rather fuck himself, so I'm gonna kill him.
00:45:30Marry Hades because he's the ruler of the underworld.
00:45:34Can someone say sovereignty?
00:45:35Uh-huh.
00:45:36And fuck Jafar because underneath that rough exterior, I think he'd be a generous lover.
00:45:41Now, that deserves a slow clap.
00:45:44Wait.
00:45:44I have to do it with you.
00:45:54You sure you wanna do this?
00:45:56Did you not hear me when I said I'm the Riddler?
00:45:58Okay, last chance to tap out.
00:46:00I don't need to tap out.
00:46:01I'm the Riddler.
00:46:02Are you really?
00:46:03Yes.
00:46:04As an only child, you have a lot of down time.
00:46:06I read riddle books all day.
00:46:09That's not something I'd brag about.
00:46:11Whatever.
00:46:11I'm ready like SpongeBob, alright?
00:46:14Okay, you know what happens if you get one wrong.
00:46:16I do know, but that's not something that I need to worry about because I'm gonna ace this shit.
00:46:21Okay, coming at you.
00:46:24Five of the hardest riddles.
00:46:25Five of the easiest riddles.
00:46:28Number one.
00:46:29It's more powerful than God.
00:46:30It's more evil than the devil.
00:46:32The poor have it.
00:46:33The rich need it.
00:46:34If you eat it, you'll die.
00:46:35What is it?
00:46:35Nothing.
00:46:36I have two arms, but fingers none.
00:46:38I have two feet, but cannot run.
00:46:40I carry well, but I've found I carry best with my feet off the ground.
00:46:43What am I?
00:46:44Beyond wheelbarrow.
00:46:46The more you take, the more you leave behind.
00:46:48What am I?
00:46:49Fingerprints.
00:46:49You can't handle me.
00:46:51What disappears as soon as you say its name?
00:46:53Silence.
00:46:54Last one.
00:46:55Come on.
00:46:56What type of dress cannot be worn?
00:46:59That was your last one?
00:47:00Really?
00:47:00You could have done better.
00:47:02Much, much better.
00:47:04An address.
00:47:08Okay, now I have a bonus one for you.
00:47:11That wasn't a part of the deal.
00:47:12I thought you were the riddler.
00:47:14Fine.
00:47:15Riddle my boots.
00:47:16Okay.
00:47:17Went to a football game, right?
00:47:18Mm-hmm.
00:47:19The quarterback threw a pass to the wide receiver.
00:47:21The wide receiver caught it in the end zone, but no guys scored a touchdown.
00:47:26How can that be?
00:47:27What?
00:47:28This has to be a trick question.
00:47:29Was there a penalty or something?
00:47:31No, it was a very clean touchdown.
00:47:33There just weren't any guys on the field.
00:47:35That can't be.
00:47:35You can't score a touchdown without any guys on the field.
00:47:38I'm telling you, no guys were playing.
00:47:41Was it an imaginary game or something?
00:47:43No, it was a very real game.
00:47:46You gotta be pulling my leg.
00:47:49You can't score a touchdown without any guys.
00:47:52What are you talking about?
00:47:53It was an all-girls football game.
00:47:56God damn, Gertrude!
00:48:00I'm gonna do some relish.
00:48:03Mmm.
00:48:04I think we'll top it off with some chocolate sauce.
00:48:09Oh, yeah.
00:48:12Stir that bad boy up.
00:48:14Mmm.
00:48:15One disaster on the rocks for the overconfident young bloke.
00:48:20Can I tap out now?
00:48:21I thought you didn't need to tap out.
00:48:23You're the Ritla, remember?
00:48:26Drink up!
00:48:27And if you're gonna barf, do it that way.
00:48:42Oh, man!
00:48:43No, no.
00:48:46No, no, no.
00:48:47I wanna?
00:48:47Oh, dude!
00:48:49Oh, dude!
00:48:52Oh, man!
00:48:52Oh, man!
00:48:53Oh, man!
00:48:55Oh, man!
00:48:57Oh, man!
00:48:59So damn.
00:49:02We won't be doing that anymore now, will we, you fucking dummy?
00:49:33You okay?
00:49:34I am now.
00:49:36Nice barf fest.
00:49:37Oh yeah.
00:49:39Yeah, I know all about that.
00:49:41At my old apartment, I accidentally ate a roach.
00:49:44How do you accidentally eat a roach?
00:49:46I was making food in my kitchen.
00:49:48I turned my back for like two seconds and the little dirt bag made a break for my sandwich.
00:49:53Of course, I didn't notice, so I put the other piece of bread on top of the roach
00:49:57and didn't realize I was sharing my sandwich until it was too late.
00:50:01I would have needed a tongue transplant after that.
00:50:03Oh yeah, I was in the bathroom for the rest of the night.
00:50:06Was it at least a small roach?
00:50:08Oh no, small roaches were not welcome in my old apartment, only the big ones.
00:50:13These were the kind of roaches that could go to the bank and take out a loan.
00:50:16That's how big they were.
00:50:18As much as I loathe roaches, I'd rather eat one than drink that nasty shit again.
00:50:23I didn't think you were actually going to drink it.
00:50:25I thought you would have been like, I'm not drinking that shit, are you knocking futz?
00:50:29And I would have been like, okay, I wouldn't have drank it either.
00:50:33But you went above and beyond.
00:50:35You could have stopped me.
00:50:37You could have, but there's no entertainment value in that.
00:50:52What's this?
00:50:53It's a poke war.
00:50:54I'm at my wit's end.
00:50:56Make my day twat scratch.
00:50:59Trench, trench.
00:51:00Yeah, you are.
00:51:02Yeah, you are.
00:51:04Yeah, you are.
00:51:06You got one.
00:51:07You got one.
00:51:08Oh, you're a classmate.
00:51:09You got one.
00:51:09I got you.
00:51:20Do you want, do you want, do you want, do you want, do you want some more chips?
00:51:25Um, yeah, chip me.
00:51:46Now, as much as I'd like to relive my childhood, there are some perks to being an adult.
00:51:51Like, soiling the things that made being a kid so great.
00:51:54I'm a huge children's show conspiracist.
00:51:57Me too.
00:51:58Let me hear one of your theories.
00:51:59Let me hear one of yours.
00:52:00I asked you first.
00:52:01I asked you second.
00:52:03Okay.
00:52:04I have one for Out of the Box.
00:52:06You remember that show?
00:52:07Of course.
00:52:08Okay, well, get ready to hate me because you're beloved Out of the Box.
00:52:13Glorified pedophilia.
00:52:15What?
00:52:16Look at the premise.
00:52:17A bunch of kids go and play in a box with a grown-ass man and a grown-ass woman.
00:52:22Tony and Vivian were saints.
00:52:24Were they?
00:52:24Did you ever ask yourself, what do they really want?
00:52:28And more importantly, did these kids' parents give Tony and Vivian permission to play with
00:52:33their kids for hours on end in a box?
00:52:37Unsupervised?
00:52:38I think not.
00:52:39I would have never gotten pedophilia from Out of the Box.
00:52:42Of course not.
00:52:44But who were Tony and Vivian?
00:52:46What did they do for a living?
00:52:48And why did they have so much free time to play with these kids alone in a fucking box?
00:52:53The whole come-play-with-us ploy was just a way to lure these innocent children away
00:52:59so Tony and Vivian, these so-called saints, could have their way with them.
00:53:03That sounds like a defamation lawsuit in the works.
00:53:05What?
00:53:06These are just theories.
00:53:08Fictitious notions to help people like me who wish they could live in the 90s forever.
00:53:13Cope with the lost early years.
00:53:15If I ruin the images of my favorite childhood shows, cuts back on the sense of longing.
00:53:20I'm just having a little fun with you.
00:53:22I'm in the same boat.
00:53:23I know.
00:53:24So, tell me one of your theories.
00:53:26I have a Johnny Bravo theory.
00:53:29Let's hear it.
00:53:30Okay.
00:53:34So, I always found myself asking, after watching Johnny Bravo, why he never gets any girls.
00:53:40Yes, he's an asshole.
00:53:42Yes, he's arrogant.
00:53:43Yes, he lacks subtlety.
00:53:45But, in the real world, how many girls go after jerks?
00:53:49A lot.
00:53:50So, every girl that Johnny has any type of interaction with always hates him?
00:53:55I don't buy it.
00:53:57Well, he did live at home with his mom.
00:53:59These girls don't know that.
00:54:01How could they know that?
00:54:02They're just meeting him for the first time.
00:54:04But, that's something else.
00:54:07Here's my theory on why he's so unlucky with the ladies.
00:54:10The Johnny Bravo that we, as audience members see, isn't the real Johnny Bravo.
00:54:14The real Johnny Bravo is short, bald, possibly smelly, rotund.
00:54:21See, in his distorted mind, he created an idealized projection of his inner self, the
00:54:26person he aspired to be.
00:54:28So, on the inside, he's tall, good-looking, strapping, the quintessential manly man.
00:54:34In the Johnny Bravo universe, the women that interact with Johnny Bravo aren't seeing the
00:54:39Johnny Bravo that we see, they're seeing, a loser, his true self.
00:54:46I'll never look at Johnny Bravo the same way.
00:54:48That's all I wanted.
00:54:51So, tell me something.
00:54:53Is it true that girls hate it when guys send hey as the first message?
00:54:57I'm indifferent to the whole creative first message thing, but I do have some friends
00:55:02that get pretty flustered.
00:55:03Hmm.
00:55:04Is it also true that girls DMs are 50% graphically perverted and 50% bland as hell?
00:55:11No, it's more like 80% graphically perverted and 20% bland as hell.
00:55:18So, what's the weirdest thing a guy said to you?
00:55:20Oh, I have a hall of fame of weird messages.
00:55:23Most of them I don't like to repeat, but I did have this one guy ask if he could lick
00:55:28the back of my neck.
00:55:30What?
00:55:30Yep, he didn't lead into it, didn't prepare me for his creepazoidery, he just went for
00:55:36it.
00:55:36And usually, I'd block eyes like that immediately, but I was kind of curious.
00:55:41So I asked, why do you want to lick the back of my neck?
00:55:44And he said he wanted to know what a champion to exploit.
00:55:49Oh, I hate people sometimes.
00:55:52Sometimes?
00:55:54Oh, and I can't tell you how many dick pics I get.
00:55:56I get one like every fucking day.
00:55:58I got one this morning.
00:55:59Shit.
00:56:00Have you ever sent a dick pic?
00:56:02Nope.
00:56:03That's not even a consideration.
00:56:05That shit travels online like an oil spill.
00:56:08I'm not going to lose my job because there's pictures of me and Mr. Pink floating around.
00:56:13Why is your penis called Mr. Pink?
00:56:16Because he goes in vaginas, and vaginas are pink.
00:56:20Not all of them.
00:56:22Ew.
00:56:24So, what's the weirdest thing a girl's ever said to you?
00:56:27I once had this girl ask me if she could borrow $20,000 to bail her dad out of jail.
00:56:33Are you serious?
00:56:34Sorry.
00:56:34And I told her that I couldn't because I just spent $20,000 bailing my own dad out of jail.
00:56:41Trats.
00:56:42I also had this one girl ask me if I was interested in letting her stick a stalk of celery
00:56:47up my ass.
00:56:47God damn, Gertrude.
00:56:50My messages are split in four categories.
00:56:53The weirdy pants, the tireless spam bots, the racist bozos, and the chill chicas.
00:56:59Am I a chill chica?
00:57:01You are.
00:57:02I fucking better be.
00:57:04I think it's funny how online dating has become a legitimate way to make a connection with someone, but I
00:57:10still won't admit that I use it.
00:57:12You have no idea how true that is.
00:57:14I think, like, three of my friends know that I use dating apps.
00:57:17Because, I mean, yes, it's commonplace, but you still get judged so hard for it.
00:57:23Like, why are you talking to people online?
00:57:25That's so weird.
00:57:26You can't find a boyfriend online.
00:57:28Like, is it my life, or is it yours?
00:57:32Please say that again for our listeners at home.
00:57:36Is it my life, or is it yours?
00:57:40Tell it, tell it like a T-I-E-S.
00:57:43Give me some.
00:57:46Put your hand down.
00:57:47There you go.
00:57:48There you go.
00:57:49Oh, yeah.
00:57:50Do you like this?
00:57:52No, that's wrong.
00:57:53Yeah.
00:57:56Okay.
00:57:59Look at the puppy.
00:58:02My friend just sent me this.
00:58:04Look at his little ears.
00:58:07If you do not think this is cute, you have the devil in you.
00:58:09No, it is.
00:58:11I just don't understand why people go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs every time they see a puppy or any other
00:58:15furry pint-sized animals.
00:58:17Because they're the cutest things ever.
00:58:19And they represent all that's good in the world.
00:58:22But here's what I'm trying to understand.
00:58:24People die every day.
00:58:26No one seems to care.
00:58:28But let a puppy die, or a kitten die, in this mass hysteria.
00:58:32Did you not hear what I just said?
00:58:34Cute animals represent all that's good in the world.
00:58:37Their only responsibility is to be cute and fluffy.
00:58:40And let me hug you little functions.
00:58:43Is the baby voice necessary?
00:58:44Yes.
00:58:47And that's popular.
00:58:49Okay, you want to see one of the messages guys send me?
00:58:52Here.
00:58:53That violates so many health codes.
00:58:56Welcome to my DMs.
00:58:58Sorry, ZanzyStan46, but your ass is getting blocked.
00:59:02These guys are barbarians.
00:59:03I appreciate how disgusted you are, but I'm sure you've sent your tail-lating messages.
00:59:08Nope.
00:59:09I'm the boring guy, really.
00:59:11I usually start off with, hey, or what's your favorite TV show?
00:59:16I mean, look at our convos.
00:59:18I haven't said anything too racy.
00:59:19That's actually true.
00:59:21You have been pretty racy tonight, though.
00:59:23Because I'm comfortable.
00:59:25I have that effect on people.
00:59:27Okay, Colonel Comfortable.
00:59:29How many girls have you brought back here?
00:59:31Not including me.
00:59:33Well, that certainly escalated.
00:59:35Look, the past is the past.
00:59:37I'm not going to hold anything against you.
00:59:38I'm just curious.
00:59:40I mean, in total, six girls have been here, one of whom was underage.
00:59:49I didn't do anything with her.
00:59:51I thought she was 24.
00:59:52The second I realized that she was born post the Amanda show, I made her leave.
00:59:58So, one of the six girls you didn't do anything with, what about the other ones?
01:00:03You're not even trying to approach this with any delicacy.
01:00:07Why not just ask what you really want to ask?
01:00:10How many girls have I slept with?
01:00:12How many?
01:00:13In my whole life?
01:00:15Four.
01:00:16Only four?
01:00:17Only four.
01:00:19You want to get specific?
01:00:21I was a virgin all through high school.
01:00:23I lost my virginity when I was 20 and only had one other partner in college.
01:00:29After graduating, I started using the dating apps and only managed to hook up with two girls.
01:00:34No game?
01:00:35Actually, and I'm not saying this to brag, my body count could have been higher.
01:00:39I had opportunities.
01:00:41So, why didn't you get it in?
01:00:43I don't know any guys to shy away from sex.
01:00:46Why are you shaking your head?
01:00:47Because I'm going to sound like such a wimp after saying this.
01:00:50Let me decide that, all right?
01:00:54I haven't had many partners because I guess I like the idea of being a Mac more than actually being
01:01:01a Mac.
01:01:03Now, of course, in the presence of my boys, I've had women all around town, but I want to return
01:01:09the honesty that you shared with me with a little honesty of my own.
01:01:13I say a lot of things, but I'm not having sex like that.
01:01:17I mean, I can be very sexually explicit with the things that I say, but actually going out there and
01:01:23knocking them dead.
01:01:27The only person aside from you that knows this is my friend, Hutt, and even he gets the edited version.
01:01:33He thinks I've just hit a dry spell.
01:01:37He doesn't know my low number of sexual partners is purposeful.
01:01:45All right.
01:01:46I give you full permission to rag on me.
01:01:48I just don't want you thinking that I'm just the average fuckboy because I'm really not, so.
01:01:53So does this mean your dick isn't really named Mr. Pink?
01:01:58His real name is Sheldon.
01:02:00But he has been known to answer to Mr. Pink sometimes.
01:02:05I don't know you're telling me the truth.
01:02:07What if this is just a lie and you feed all the other girls?
01:02:10I would do that.
01:02:11Even if I was trying to run game on you, I wouldn't do it by downplaying the number of girls
01:02:16I've slept with.
01:02:17Why not?
01:02:18Sensitive guys are in.
01:02:19Nothing that I'm saying is a lie.
01:02:21This is the real Picasso.
01:02:24Isn't there women's intuition?
01:02:26You have a knack for sensing the shit of the bull.
01:02:31Is there anything telling you that I'm being dishonest?
01:02:36I'm all talk.
01:02:39Truthfully, the idea of hooking up with hundreds of girls kind of gives me anxiety.
01:02:45But I wear the pimp hat because...
01:02:48You're a chameleon.
01:02:52I've only been with five guys for the record.
01:02:55I haven't had sex in over three years.
01:02:57I've been on some dates, but nothing got physical.
01:03:01Not since Mr. Not-So-Perfect.
01:03:04Do you go to these guys' houses?
01:03:06At first, I vowed to keep meetings in public areas.
01:03:10You know, just in case I had to deal with another psycho.
01:03:14But then I realized a lot of guys wear their Mr. Perfect masks.
01:03:19They say what they think they need to say to get the second date.
01:03:23Anything to get the final prize, which is...
01:03:25The boom, boom, boom.
01:03:27Yeah.
01:03:28When I finally got my zing back and stopped thinking every guy was a predator,
01:03:33I started accepting invitations to houses.
01:03:36Which I know is a very unsafe thing to do, but...
01:03:39I think the best way to observe someone is in their natural habitat.
01:03:45Their home.
01:03:46I'm not a complete lame brain.
01:03:48And I do have mace and other defensive materials on deck.
01:03:51No, I'm the scared one.
01:03:53Just what I wanted.
01:03:56Okay.
01:03:56I want to see something.
01:03:58I want to see your best fuckboy.
01:04:01What?
01:04:02Act like I'm not me, you're not you.
01:04:05We're strangers in the night.
01:04:07How would you approach me if you were actually the player you pretend to be?
01:04:11Isn't it too early for role-playing?
01:04:13Shut up!
01:04:14Come on!
01:04:14This is your chance to authenticate your smoothness.
01:04:17I want to see you pick me up.
01:04:19But I already got you to my apartment.
01:04:21We're not in your apartment.
01:04:23Pretend we're in a cafe.
01:04:26I'm already here drinking my raspberry iced latte.
01:04:30You come in for your usual double espresso and crumb cake.
01:04:34You see me over yonder, attached to my phone.
01:04:37Whatever does the big player player do?
01:04:41You really want to do this?
01:04:42I wasn't oddly specific for nothing.
01:04:46Okay.
01:04:57Okay, cut.
01:04:58Can you not walk like you're about to backhand me?
01:05:01I was just feeling out the character, alright?
01:05:03Do it again.
01:05:06Okay.
01:05:06Okay.
01:05:09Okay.
01:05:11Okay.
01:05:30You're not good at this.
01:05:36No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, let me do it
01:05:38again.
01:05:39Sweet drink for a sweet lady?
01:05:40That works on some girls.
01:05:42Doesn't work on this girl.
01:05:44Start over?
01:05:45Start over.
01:05:46But you're really not doing well.
01:05:47Oh.
01:05:48Everybody's a critic.
01:06:13I don't want to take up too much of your time, but I knew I'd kick myself later if I
01:06:18didn't come over and say something, even if nothing comes of it.
01:06:22I'm Daryl.
01:06:23You don't have to tell me your name.
01:06:25I'll just, I'll just call you beautiful.
01:06:30I've seen you in here every day this week, coming in, drinking your latte, and I've always
01:06:36wanted to talk to you, but I'm sure you've got guys kicking down your door all the time.
01:06:40So the original plan was just to let you have this time to yourself, but seven times?
01:06:49I've seen you here seven times.
01:06:52Usually I don't believe in signs, but this can't be ignored.
01:06:56I had to come talk to you.
01:07:00Now, I'm not asking for your number, and I'm not asking you on a date.
01:07:05I just wanted to introduce myself.
01:07:08So I'm going to go over there and grab my double espresso and crumb cake, then go sit
01:07:14over there, and if you wanted to join me, I would not mind that.
01:07:23Nice to meet you.
01:07:27Beautiful.
01:07:49Not too shabby, Daryl.
01:07:51Not too shabby at all.
01:07:53I'm not a wizard, but I got the magic.
01:07:56Saying shit like that is going to annul everything you just did, so no more of that, okay?
01:08:02Do I get your stamp of approval, though?
01:08:04I suppose.
01:08:06Then where's my reward?
01:08:07What do you want?
01:08:09Some heroin would be nice.
01:08:10Sure, let me just grab some from my purse.
01:08:14No, but there is something that I do want.
01:08:17And what would that be?
01:08:28Oh my god.
01:08:38You're terrible at being yourself, you know that?
01:08:41You know I wanted to kiss you?
01:08:44Duh.
01:08:44We've been leaning up to it for a while now.
01:08:46You should have kissed me when we were by the stairs.
01:08:48I know.
01:08:48I wanted to.
01:08:50That would have been a moment.
01:08:51I just...
01:08:52I usually like to ask girls before I kiss them.
01:08:55Why?
01:08:57I don't want to throw myself on someone.
01:08:58That's weird.
01:09:00You wouldn't have been throwing yourself on me.
01:09:02I wanted it, too.
01:09:04What if you didn't?
01:09:06That's what the mace is for.
01:09:09After you shave, do you slap on the aftershave, or do you dab it on gently?
01:09:13Dab it on gently.
01:09:15Of course you do.
01:09:16Sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind.
01:09:19You talked about women's intuition, right?
01:09:21Guys have it, too.
01:09:23You knew I wanted to kiss you.
01:09:25You felt exactly what I felt.
01:09:27You should have just went for it.
01:09:38Much better.
01:09:39But next time, do it without us having to talk about it.
01:09:43Next time.
01:09:44Next time.
01:09:46Yeah.
01:09:49Weren't we supposed to watch a movie tonight?
01:09:52I think we were.
01:09:53We still can.
01:09:54Young is the night.
01:09:56You want to pick?
01:09:57I shall pick the genre.
01:09:59Comedy all the way.
01:10:00There's comedy you want.
01:10:02There's comedy you'll get.
01:10:04I know exactly what to do.
01:10:32This new edition of Big Bang creation of.
01:10:34I'm more just placing the headphones to turn on and start them.
01:10:37Flip my keyboard and say, beg your pardon.
01:10:40As I pursue to join the squadron.
01:10:42Astronaut is starting and starving.
01:10:43No comedy like Stevie and Harvey.
01:10:45Cause they did not regard me.
01:10:46Propulsion is a goal.
01:10:48Control is goal.
01:10:49Space is powered by producing flow.
01:10:51This fast food grab producing goat from low.
01:10:54Hopefully how we can go.
01:10:56And the people of Earth are so low.
01:10:59And I'm just some alien awaiting them.
01:11:01In a starship.
01:11:03From the motherland.
01:11:04In another land.
01:11:05Just another man.
01:11:06The beat funky make it rough.
01:11:08Say brother man.
01:11:09Like 70s sold by your future man.
01:11:11Where we go, where we go, where we go, where we go, where we go, up, we go, up, we
01:11:23go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up,
01:11:29we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go,
01:11:34up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we
01:11:37go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up,
01:11:37we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go,
01:11:38up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up
01:11:38You