00:00Just when you thought your food couldn't get turned on, Custard Greens.
00:10Did my first nude painting yesterday.
00:12The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great.
00:16I met this woman at a bus stop the other day and I said to her,
00:19When's it due? She replied, I'm not pregnant at all.
00:21I said, The bus f**ks, when's it due?
00:26A woman goes to Dr. Smith to ask about options to get bigger breasts.
00:30After talking to the doctor, she decides that surgery is too risky.
00:33And as she's leaving, the doctor says, Well, there's one thing you can do,
00:36but you have to do it every day.
00:38He tells her to rub her chest and say, Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
00:41I want my breasts to grow, grow, grow.
00:43She shrugs this off and leaves the office.
00:45After thinking for a while, she says, Why not try it?
00:48It's free. It's easy. What do I have to lose?
00:50So every morning before work, Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
00:53I want my breasts to grow, grow, grow.
00:55After a few weeks, it starts working.
00:57She's thrilled.
00:58She wakes late one morning and with no time for her daily mantra, rushes to catch the bus.
01:02She doesn't want to miss a day, so she goes to the back of the bus
01:04and whispers while rubbing her chest, Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
01:07I want my breasts to grow, grow, grow.
01:09A man leads over to her and asks, Excuse me, are you a patient of Dr. Smith?
01:13Embarrassed, she says, Yes. Why do you ask?
01:15And the guy says, Hickory dickory dog.
01:38What does buying a sandwich and buying an escort have in common?
01:45I mean, both could have been avoided if my wife was doing her job.
01:57Oh, God. It's so cold. I'm dribbling.
02:02There was a notice at the doctor's surgery saying, In order to protect the privacy of patients,
02:06we will no longer call you by name.
02:08After a few minutes in the waiting room, a doctor opens the surgery door and calls out,
02:11Will the gentleman with gonorrhea please come in?
02:14I'm gonna try a little bit.
02:32My wife caught me touching myself to an optical illusion and I said, Babe, that's not what it looks like.
02:57Two men are waiting for a train.
02:59The younger man turns to the older man and asks, excuse me, do you have the time?
03:02The older man ignores him.
03:03A few minutes later, the younger man asks again, excuse me, do you know what time it
03:07Again, the older man says nothing.
03:09Finally, frustrated, the younger man asks, why won't you answer me when I ask you for
03:12the time?
03:12The older man sighs and says, look, if I tell you the time, we'll start talking, and when
03:16the train arrives, you might sit next to me.
03:18We could get to know each other and eventually I might invite you over for dinner to meet
03:20my daughter.
03:21Maybe you two hit it off.
03:22You might start dating, get engaged, and eventually get married.
03:25And why would I want a son-in-law who can't afford a f***ing watch?
03:34How many people with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
03:38I don't know.
03:38Do you want to go ride bikes?
03:44I went skydiving for the first time today.
03:46A guy strapped himself to me and we jumped out of the plane.
03:48As we were plummeting, he yelled, so how long have you been an instructor?
03:53Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh, oh, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I,
04:06I'd sh**t
04:07myself.
04:08Have you done it?
04:09Yeah, I've done, if he would have said that to me, how long have you been instructed?
04:14What can you do, what can you do?
04:16A police officer is interviewing three recruits who are training to become detectives.
04:20To test their observational skills, he shows the first recruit a photo of a suspect for
04:24five seconds before hiding it.
04:26This is your suspect, he says, how would you recognise him?
04:29The first recruit answers, easy, we'd catch him right away, he only has one eye.
04:33The officer sighs, that's because I showed you his side profile.
04:36Trying again, he shows the same photo to the second recruit for five seconds.
04:39This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?
04:42The second recruit smiles confidently, even easier, he has only one ear.
04:46Now the officer is furious, what's wrong with you two?
04:48Of course he only has one eye and one ear, it's a side profile photo.
04:51Can't either of you come up with a better answer?
04:53Completely exasperated, he turns to the third recruit.
04:56This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?
04:58Then he adds, and think carefully before you give me another ridiculous answer.
05:02The third recruit studies the photo for a moment, the suspect wears contact lenses.
05:06The officer blinks in surprise, he doesn't actually know whether the suspect wears contacts.
05:11That's an interesting observation.
05:12Wait here while I check his file.
05:14A few minutes later, the officer returns with a huge smile.
05:17Incredible, you're right, the suspect really does wear contact lenses.
05:20How on earth did you figure that out?
05:21Simple, the third recruit replies.
05:23He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
05:39Oh God, that wasn't going the way I was thinking.
05:46That's so good.
05:48I met this girl the other night and she took me back to her house where things got hot and
05:51heavy really quick.
05:52I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard someone come up through
05:56the front door.
05:57Oh shit, it's my boyfriend, she exclaimed. Quick, use the back door.
06:01Now it's about this time I probably should have left, but you don't get it off like that every day.
06:10A friend of mine told me that he can throw a frisbee a hundred yards and his dog can go
06:14and get it and bring it back.
06:15And I told him that's pretty far-fetched, but okay.
06:21My wife told me sex is better on vacation.
06:23It's easily the worst postcard I've ever received.
06:27Oh my God. Oh my God.
06:38Not even a text.
06:44The Grim Reaper is sitting in the park when a kid runs past him with his laces undone.
06:48The Reaper stops him and says, you better tie your shoes.
06:50The kid replies, is that how I'm going to pass away?
06:53The Reaper says, no, you'll pass of old age.
06:55The kid replies, sick, I'm going to go do hair-
07:00A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, please come over and help me.
07:04I've got a jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started.
07:07Her neighbor asks, what's it supposed to be when it's finished?
07:10According to the picture on the box, she replies, it's a rooster.
07:12The neighbor decides to help.
07:14He comes over and she shows him the puzzle and all the pieces spread across the table.
07:18He studies the pieces for a moment and looks at the box and then back at the table.
07:22Finally, he smiles, gently takes her hand and says, first of all, no matter what we do,
07:26we're never going to turn these pieces into a rooster.
07:28Second, let's make ourselves a nice cup of tea.
07:30Then we'll put all the cornflakes back in the box.
07:39Two men are playing golf.
07:41One's about to take a swing when a funeral procession passes by.
07:44He pauses, removes his cap, bows his head and stands quietly.
07:47His mate says, it's the most respectful thing I've ever seen.
07:50The man replies, well, we were married 35 years.
07:58A young man sits down at a bar and orders six shots.
08:01That's a lot of alcohol, says the bartender.
08:03The young man answers, I'm celebrating my first blowjob.
08:05Well then, let me buy you a seventh on the house, says the bartender.
08:10Before he pours it, the young man says, frankly, sir,
08:12if six doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, I sincerely doubt the seven will.
08:22Do you think it's a big deal if after years of marriage you find out your partner has
08:26literally sucked hundreds of dicks before you met?
08:29Or is my wife just making a big deal out of nothing?
08:39My doctor told me, don't worry, it's normal to get a razz and even ejaculate during your prostate exam.
08:44Still, I wish he hadn't.
08:50Patrick died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.
08:53So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
08:55His two mates Seamus and Sean were sent for.
08:58Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
09:00Seamus said, yep, he's burnt pretty bad, but rolled him over.
09:03So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said, nope, it ain't Patrick.
09:07The mortician thought that was rather strange and then brought in Sean to identify the body.
09:11Sean took a look at him and said, yep, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over.
09:15The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked and said, nope, it's not Patrick.
09:18The mortician asked, how can you tell?
09:20Sean said, well, Patrick had two assholes.
09:22What?
09:23He had two assholes?
09:24Asked the mortician.
09:25Yep, everyone knew he had two assholes.
09:27Every time we went into town folks would say, here comes Patrick with them two assholes.
09:35An 85 year old man is asked to provide a sperm sample for his medical exam.
09:38The doctor gives him a jar and says, take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.
09:42The next day, the old man returns with the jar completely clean and empty.
09:45The doctor asks, what happened?
09:47The old man says, well doc, first I tried with my right hand, nothing.
09:50Tried with my left hand and still nothing.
09:52Then I asked my wife to help and she tried with both hands but nothing.
09:55She tried with her mouth, with the teeth in and with the teeth out and still nothing.
09:58We even asked the neighbor lady Arlene to help.
10:01She tried with both hands then between her knees but still nothing.
10:04The doctor stares at him in shock and says, you asked your neighbor?
10:06The old man replied, yeah, none of us could get the jar open.
10:20Sam decided to go hunting with his buddy Mark.
10:22They loaded up Mark's truck and headed north.
10:24After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible storm.
10:27They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
10:31night.
10:32I could see that the weather is horrible out there and I have this huge house all to myself but
10:35I'm recently widowed, she explained.
10:38I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you gentlemen stay in my house overnight.
10:41No worries, Sam said, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the storm lets up, we'll be
10:45gone as soon as the sun rises.
10:46The lady agrees and the two men find their way to the barn and get settled in for the night.
10:50By morning, the weather had cleared and they were on their way.
10:52They enjoyed a great weekend of hunting.
10:54About nine months later, Sam received an unexpected letter from an out of town law firm.
10:58It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from an attorney
11:02of that attractive widow he had met on his hunting weekend.
11:05He drives over to his friend Mark's house with papers in hand and asks,
11:08Mark, do you remember that good looking widow from up the farm?
11:10The one that we stayed on on our ski hunting trip up north?
11:13Yeah, I do.
11:14Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and maybe go up to the house and
11:18pay your little visit?
11:19Yeah, Mark said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
11:22I have to admit that I did.
11:24And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?
11:26Mark says, yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.
11:30Why do you ask?
11:31Well, apparently she died of eight and left me everything.
11:36I want that.
11:39I want that.
11:40A wager walks over to a man and asks, care for some olive oil with your pasta syrup?
11:44The customer replies, is it extra virgin?
11:46The wager tears up and says, no, it's the same price.
11:48I'm saying this, but what happens?
11:50Oh.
11:51Awww.
