00:00What's the difference between hungry and horny?
00:02Where you put the cucumber?
00:11Knock, knock!
00:26What's that noise?
00:29I'm just ready to go.
00:37Bob tells his buddy, my girlfriend's vagina smells like roses.
00:40His buddy says, that's incredible. You're really lucky.
00:43And Bob says, yeah, but Rose has bigger tits.
00:49My neighbor knocked on my door at 2.30 a.m. this morning.
00:52Can you believe that?
00:532.30 in the morning.
00:54Luckily for him, I'm still up playing my bagpipes.
01:06I was bored last night, so I texted my ex.
01:09I said, are you free tonight?
01:10She replied, yes.
01:11I said, see, nobody likes you.
01:19What do you call a man standing between two horses?
01:22Horses? Houses?
01:31That was so bad.
01:33Oh, sorry, I butchered that.
01:36Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all their lives.
01:39When it becomes clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
01:42One day, Mike says, Joe, we both love football all our lives.
01:45We play together every Saturday for years.
01:47Do me one favor and when you get to heaven, let me know if there's football there.
01:50Joe looks up from his deathbed.
01:52Mike, you've been my best friend for years.
01:53If all is possible, I'll let you know.
01:56And shortly after, Joe passes.
01:57A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened by a blinding flash of light
02:01and a voice calling his name.
02:03Mike, Mike, who is it? Mike asks.
02:06Who's there? Mike, it's me, Joe.
02:08You're not Joe. Joe just died.
02:10I'm telling you, it's me, Joe.
02:11Joe, where are you?
02:13In heaven, Joe replies.
02:14Tell me the good news.
02:16Well, the good news is, it's great in here.
02:19There's football, there's all our friends, we're all young, we can play for hours and
02:23never rains or snows, but there is some bad news.
02:25Okay, well, what's the bad news?
02:28Well, you're on the team sheet for Saturday's match.
02:36Oh my god.
02:48I came down for breakfast this morning and my wife was cooking breakfast in her slippers.
02:52Gonna have to buy some pans.
03:03A man walks into a library and asks the librarian if they have any books about the clitoris.
03:09Sorry.
03:17A man walks into a pub and orders a pint and a ham sandwich.
03:35The barman looks at him and says, hang on, you're a duck.
03:37I see your eyes are working, replies the duck.
03:39And you can talk, exclaims the barman.
03:41I see your ears are working too, says the duck.
03:44Now, if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?
03:46Uh, certainly.
03:47Sorry about that, says the barman.
03:48And he pulls the duck's pint.
03:49It's just, we don't get many ducks in this pub.
03:51What are you doing around this way?
03:52I'm working on the building site across the road, explains the duck.
03:55I'm a plasterer.
03:57Flabbergasted, the barman just says, well, you know what?
04:00Can we have a chat?
04:01But he gets the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
04:05So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich,
04:08bids the barman a good day and leaves.
04:10The same thing happens for two weeks.
04:11Then, one day, the circus comes to town.
04:13The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him,
04:17you're at the circus, aren't you?
04:18Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.
04:21He talks, drinks beers, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything.
04:25Sounds marvelous, says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
04:28Get him to give me a call.
04:29So, the next day, when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, hey, Mr. Duck,
04:32I reckon I can line you up with a top job, really good money.
04:35Well, I'm always looking for the next job, the duck says.
04:38Where's it at?
04:38It's at the circus, says the barman.
04:40The circus, repeats the duck.
04:43Yeah, with the big tent.
04:44Yeah, the barman replies.
04:46With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans, says the duck.
04:50Of course, the barman replies.
04:51And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle,
04:55says the duck.
04:55That's right, says the barman.
04:56And the duck shakes his head in amazement and says, what the f**k would they want with
05:00a plasterer?
05:20Oh, that's really good.
05:23That's really good.
05:24The Tottenham Hotspur team recently visited a local orphanage.
05:27It's just so heartbreaking to see all those faces with absolutely no hope, said one of the orphans.
05:35My eye doctor told me my results just came back.
05:38I said, can I see them?
05:39He said, hope you not.
05:42I love you.
05:46An old cowboy walks into a barber shop for a shave and a haircut.
05:49He tells the barber he has trouble getting a clean shave because his cheeks are wrinkled with age.
05:53The barber pulls a small wooden bowl from a cup on the shelf and says, put this inside your cheek.
05:57It'll stretch the skin and make it easier to shave.
05:59The cowboy does as he's told and the barber gives him the cleanest shave he's had in years.
06:03As he's leaving, the cowboy asks, what would have happened if I accidentally swallowed that little bowl?
06:07The barber thinks for a moment and says, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else
06:10does.
06:22Two ladies are walking their dogs together.
06:24One has a big black lab and the other a tiny chihuahua.
06:27They pass a bar and the lab owner says, let's get a drink.
06:30That sounds great, the other says, but we can't bring our dogs in there.
06:33The first response, watch me.
06:35The one with the lab walks in, orders a drink and the bartender says, sorry, no dogs allowed.
06:39Offended, she replies, but he's my seeing eye dog.
06:41Oh, I'm so sorry, the bartender says and serves her immediately.
06:44The second woman follows with her chihuahua and orders a drink.
06:47Again, the bartender says, no dogs allowed.
06:49He's my seeing eye dog, she says.
06:51The bartender squints, a chihuahua?
06:53Come on.
06:54Without missing a beat, the woman replies, what?
06:56They gave me a chihuahua.
07:04What do you call a Chinese person who's always early?
07:17That could have meant anything.
07:19What?
07:20You.
07:25None of that.
07:27Just when you thought vegetables couldn't play sports, salad balls.
07:39I called my dad to pick me up from this sleepover because I didn't like it.
07:42And he said, no, because you're 39 and that's your wife and kids.
07:51Fred came home from college one night in tears.
07:54Mum, am I adopted?
07:55Of course not, she said.
07:56Why would you think that?
07:57And Fred shows his mum the DNA test results and is no match to any relatives,
08:01but strong matches to a family on the other side of the city.
08:04Shaken, she calls her husband.
08:05Honey, Fred took a DNA test and I don't know how to say this, he might not be our son.
08:10Yeah, obviously, he replied.
08:11What do you mean, obviously?
08:13Well, it was your idea, he said.
08:15Remember that first night in the hospital,
08:16the baby wouldn't stop screaming and crying so you told me to change him?
08:19Well, I think I picked a good one.
08:25Next time your wife is angry, drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape
08:29and say, now you're super angry.
08:36I run every day for 15 minutes and if I miss a day,
08:39I add 15 minutes the next day and it's truly been a game changer.
08:41Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for three months.
08:49A guy is driving around town and sees a sign in front of a house saying,
08:53talking dog for sale.
08:54He thinks, I've got to see this.
08:56So he rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the garden.
08:59The guy goes into the garden and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever,
09:02sitting there, chained to his little house.
09:04You talk, the guy asked.
09:05Yep, the dog replies.
09:06Wow, says the guy.
09:07So what's your story?
09:09The dog says, well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
09:12I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
09:14In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country,
09:17sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
09:21I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running,
09:24but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger,
09:27so I decided to settle down.
09:29I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
09:32wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
09:34I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals.
09:37Then got married, had a mess of puppies,
09:40most of whom can talk and are helping to keep the country safe.
09:42Now I'm just retired.
09:43The guy is amazed.
09:45He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
09:48Ten dollars.
09:48The owner says,
09:49Ten dollars?
09:50The dog's amazing.
09:51Why on earth are you selling him for so cheap?
09:53The owner says,
09:54He's full of shit.
09:55He's never left the garden.
10:05He's never left the garden.
