00:01The
00:01The
00:01The
00:01The
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00:01The
00:50Have you ever seen an M1 up close?
00:53M1A1.
00:55I was, there's something called reforger, which is an army exercise where troops
01:01in America.
01:02So now, were you part of an army tank division or?
01:06Yeah.
01:07It's free gave me a whole direction in my life that I've never had before.
01:13So Stephanie, you can be Stephanie.
01:15You don't have to pretend to be anybody else other than who you are inside.
01:22If this is your first year here, you'll find that out pretty quick.
01:32I hope everybody has been enjoying themselves this week.
01:34We had something really freakish.
01:37Four or five days of great weather.
01:39When has that ever happened in Port Angeles?
01:43I remember years going to bed at night and just praying that how nice it would be if I
01:49could just wake up tomorrow and just be a girl just for a day and have it be acceptable to
01:54everybody, which I knew wasn't going to happen.
02:00It is a psychological burden.
02:03It really is very tough because you don't have any answers and you can't talk to anybody
02:09about it.
02:10And back in the fifties, nobody knew much about this anyways.
02:15I really didn't know what was wrong with me for a long time.
02:26What a lovely sound.
02:30Me.
02:36Great.
02:38Meet me.
02:46Me.
02:47Me.
02:49Me.
02:52Me.
02:53Me.
02:53Me.
02:54Me.
02:54Me.
02:55Me.
02:55Me.
02:55Me.
02:57Me.
02:58Nice change there.
03:00Nice change there.
03:01I never had real close friends because I didn't want them to know the real me.
03:08always hid that one part of us.
03:09Yes.
03:10I knew I was different as long as I could remember.
03:15And I thought I was the only one that was different.
03:21Right.
03:22So you come on with this and then it starts and you just come down and you're…
03:24And then the trumpets kick in and the tropical…
03:27We're going to be doing this.
03:28Yeah.
03:29We're all going to do that together.
03:30My dress goes up too high when I do that.
03:32But you've got shorts on.
03:34Yeah.
03:34There it is.
03:54I just want to be what I feel like.
03:59And it feels rather natural.
04:02Now, I'm a little edgy.
04:05I've never done this before with camera crew and things like that.
04:10In fact, nobody's seen me in this except me.
04:16You know.
04:28You know
05:32What is this?
05:32What do I do?
05:33Why am I feeling like this?
05:36And then with the internet, I was able to get information.
05:42And the more information I got, the more empowered I felt to do what I knew I had to do.
05:50It didn't stop the guilt.
05:53It didn't stop the deceit.
05:57And it created a few lies.
06:01It'll pardon me that way till I die.
06:05I'm living what something inside me says I should do.
06:11It's not my choice, really.
06:14It's a push.
06:17It's just as strong as you've got to get up in the morning and go to work.
06:23It can be a devastating push because you're not able to do it because of family matters, work.
06:30All right, so we're going to do a pizza party and do old people's stuff and do fucking horse shit.
06:36Here, come on in.
06:37What you're trying to make sense out of it, I mean, a lot of people go and sit in a
06:41little dark room.
06:43You know, with pillows and that goddamn empty all the music and shit.
06:48And, you know, for me, it's different.
06:49Everybody's journey is different.
06:52Come on in, support.
06:54Here, I'll leave it all.
06:57Holy horse shit.
06:59This is a tranny's room.
07:01If you want to go ahead and film, it's totally fine, okay?
07:04I have no problem with it, okay?
07:07I'm out all the time.
07:08I have been for three years, okay?
07:11It sucks.
07:12I mean, it's good, it's bad, it's good.
07:15I mean, it's good for me personally because it kept me alive.
07:19Even though I tried, dude, you've got to shut that out.
07:22You can either email me or check me out on Facebook as Nina Beck and you'll find me there.
07:29Facebook, you know, I've never gone into Facebook to look at anything.
07:33Try it, it's wonderful.
07:35There's a whole crowd on there.
07:37You make yourself something that you know you're not to try and make it through.
07:47It just hurts sometimes.
07:49And then your kids are calling you and they're going, oh my God, how do I bury a dog?
07:54And I'm like, son, shit.
07:57God damn, it hurts.
07:59God damn.
08:00God damn, don't do this, okay?
08:02Let's go ahead.
08:03Do I look okay?
08:05Everybody expects someone from you and it's not there.
08:09It is, but then they feel like they were tricked.
08:14I didn't trick you.
08:15I'm still here.
08:17I can still work my ass off.
08:19I can still do all this stuff.
08:21Oh, no, you tricked us.
08:24I didn't trick anybody.
08:25I'm sorry.
08:26I just tried to make it, you know, I just tried to get along in your world.
08:34Come on, let's go down and get some pizza.
08:38I'll pull it together.
08:39Oh, God damn it.
08:43When I crossed the border coming down, I got across the border thinking, San Francisco's
08:48not that far away.
08:49I could just go down there for a few days.
08:52I came here instead.
08:53You met everybody?
08:55Yeah.
08:56I've been here for five years now.
08:58I'm sorry.
08:59It's me.
09:01I am who I am.
09:05Anyways.
