00:01Good evening. I have a few announcements and then I'll take questions.
00:05Samantha Bee is still preparing her remarks for the Not the White House Correspondents Dinner.
00:10I am told they will be shrill and laced with vulgarities.
00:16Okay. I will take questions now.
00:20You.
00:21Fiona St. George, Tittle Tattle Tabloid.
00:23Why would Miss Bee organize a Not the White House Correspondents Dinner
00:27on the same night as the actual White House Correspondents Dinner?
00:30Is she trying to undermine the legitimacy of both the press and this president?
00:34No, Miss Bee is trying to undermine the legitimacy of just one of those two things.
00:40Yes, you're 18 in your father's suit, obviously from Breitbart.
00:44Yeah, doesn't having a female host for this dinner demonstrate a clear anti-white male bias?
00:51Absolutely not. Sam is not at all biased against white men.
00:54She just can't tell you apart and thinks you all know each other.
00:56Right here. Over here.
00:58Yes.
00:58Uh, yeah, hi. Ed Bauer, the bold-faced red fond email alert for America's uncles.
01:03Is tonight's special going to be like every episode of Full Frontal
01:06where Sam just talks about vaginas for a half hour?
01:08No, Buttercup. Tonight she'll be talking about them for a full hour.
01:12Okay, I'll take a Skype question because I guess that's a thing now.
01:16Yes, Leonard Skinner tribute band member.
01:19Yes, speaking as a fringe nut job survivalist who unaccountably drinks his own urine.
01:26What's your question?
01:28No question.
01:30Is anyone here a reporter?
01:32This is Emmy American, U.S. News.
01:35Yeah, I know you're from Russia today.
01:38If I could give Samantha Bee a video of prostitutes,
01:41what would she pay for it?
01:45A lot.
01:47Joan Stern, WakeUpSheepleNewsBiz.org.
01:50Next, okay.
01:52Last question.
01:53Opus J.
01:55Lloyd Merkin, Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
01:58Why hasn't Samantha Bee commented on the allegations that she's a witch?
02:04Okay, you know what?
02:06You people are monsters.
02:08Yes, we have freedom of speech and of the press in this country, and that is a beautiful thing.
02:14So if a morally bankrupt gang of racist bloggers, anarchists, dominionist radio hosts, and rancid women haters want to call
02:21themselves journalists, no one can stop you.
02:24But you are part of the reason that no one trusts the real press.
02:28These journalists work day and night to find the truth, write it down, or tell it to a camera, and
02:34sometimes they f*** it up.
02:35But when they do, they apologize most of the time.
02:38They chase down stories, even when the stories put them in danger, and their phone batteries die because of all
02:43the Pepes tweeting abuse at them.
02:45And you pretend to be them, ruining their reputation, at least among people too stupid to tell the difference.
02:52You are the dregs of a free society.
02:54We have to let you exist, but we do not have to listen to you.
02:58So Samantha Bee will be spending the evening with real reporters.
03:03And by the way, to answer your question, yes, of course she's a witch.
03:08We're all witches.
03:14That's a full lit, everybody. Enjoy the dinner.
