- 2 hours ago
All expecting moms know what we're talking about. This laugh out loud comedy is all too real.
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LifestyleTranscript
00:06I like it you're marching your way over here. I'm so excited to see you because this is coming
00:12along so very nicely. It's happening. Oh yeah that's a real-life human in there. Can you see
00:17him? Definitely. I've eaten pizza three times in the past 24 hours. I don't know. I know this is
00:23like fourth meal and it's 11 a.m. Oh my goodness. He's more marinara than he is
00:31man. Any upsides to his pregnancy thing? Yeah you get seats on the subway. Yeah. Which is good. You
00:37can have ice cream for breakfast. Which is fun. Awesome. That sounds amazing. Girl maybe I should
00:43get pregnant. You're pregnant? No I said maybe I should get pregnant. Who's pregnant? You're pregnant.
00:51Do not waste your money on pregnancy jeans. Just buy yourself a couple a pair of leggings.
00:57Don't listen to her. Pregnancy jeans saved my life. I'd still wear them if it was socially acceptable.
01:03That's pathetic. Do you know how pathetic that sounds? You're not still eating chicken liver
01:06these days are you? Google it. Vitamin A can kill a fetus. Who eats chicken liver? Speaking of vitamin
01:12A I hope you're not taking retinol. Please tell me you stopped using retinol in the first trimester.
01:17You're taking your prenatals right? Prenatals aren't for everyone. My co-worker developed a severe
01:23allergy from them and now she can't go out and direct sunlight. I'll be honest they gave me
01:27indigestion. Well I took my prenatals on a full stomach and it really helped. Do you have any names
01:32picked out yet? You got to choose to name the significance. It's more than a name. It's a legacy.
01:37Think about it. It's important. You can't just name your kid wolf because you think it's cool.
01:40Wolves are key to the health of our environment okay. They're more than just cool. Did you guys see that
01:45video
01:46about the wolves that saved the national park? Are you picking Wolfie up or am I? I am. Can I
01:52touch
01:52it? You belly? I don't know you. Dang. Who's doing the circumcision? You're getting him a circumcision? Why
01:57wouldn't she get him a circumcision? I'm circumcised. It worked for me. It could work for your kid. I had
02:02a boyfriend in college who was uncircumcised. We had a ball. My college boyfriend was circumcised. The sex
02:08was incredible. Any choice is fine as long as you've done your research. There's a million reasons
02:12not to do it. And a million reasons to do it. I'm only 20 weeks pregnant. Can you stop talking
02:18about
02:18my son's penis? I read this article that said your kid can get a boner at 25 weeks. In the
02:25womb. In fact
02:26give me your email and I'll send you a link. Alright these people are insane. This happens every day when
02:31you're pregnant. Really? Every day. Yeah. Okay. Well let's run far far away. Hey let's get
02:35Fitzmeal.
02:51Hello. Hi. So how you feeling? Good. Yeah. No complaints. Alright well why don't you lay down and we'll take
02:59a
02:59listen. Okay. Cool. Oh. I wanted to ask. I've been eating a lot of blue cheese. Like the dressing
03:06it comes in the bottle. It's like shelf stable and I'm sure it's pasteurized and stuff. I just
03:10wanted to make sure that that was cool. Uh yeah that should be fine. Okay. Yeah but why don't you
03:15lay back. Okay. Cool. Take a listen. Cool. Cool. Oh I wanted to say um sometimes when I buy like
03:21a group
03:21of smokers I just make sure to fan the air by me like a like a thing like that like
03:28a
03:28in. Can I boil him inside me if I got in like a really hot bath? Hey can we not
03:34talk about Zika?
03:35Should I get one of those surgical masks? Fan the air away from me. I ate an oyster.
03:44I just sort of wanted to tell you about that. If I have a seat belt over my uterus and
03:48heaven forbid
03:49we were to get in a car accident. Just for me a hard pass on Zika. Okay. Cool. And then
03:54I licked a glass
03:55of wine. Like I stuck my tongue in the wine. So I didn't like drink it. I like like a
04:01dog
04:01with water or whatever. Also I got rid of my microwave. So we're good in that area. Okay.
04:08I've been holding my breath most times when I'm outside. That seems impossible. I was thinking
04:12in so we're just like breeze by me but I guess. Yeah. Oh should I do stairs or should I
04:17do ramps?
04:17Hey can we um you and me never talk about Zika? Okay. Is he still alive? I'm just looking
04:29for proof of life. Can you hear the heartbeat? Oh my god I know I shouldn't have laid on my
04:35stomach at the beach. Or why do I put my laptop on my belly when I watch Unreal? I know
04:39I shouldn't
04:40do that but it's the perfect height and it's so comfortable. Is he okay? Why are you being
04:48so quiet? Quiet isn't good in the doctor's office. Oh my god I killed him. Oh my god I killed
04:54him. Oh. Hey dude. Okay. We're good. Isn't it crazy I have one of these inside me? Oh that's
05:06actually a male pelvic bone. So I have a tiny version of this inside my female
05:11pelvic bone? Oh! And I have a tiny cock and balls inside me too. I'll see you in four weeks.
05:23Okay I'll put it away.
05:30Okay we can't stay here. If I want to make one egg I have to move like five things. You
05:35know we can hang
05:36pans on the wall. That's apartment therapy approved. I don't want to live like I'm on a
05:40boat. Oh my god. You have so much shit we need to get rid of before we can have this
05:45baby. You
05:46know babies don't need that much. Remember Jenny? Jenny Felter? No Jenny Beeble. Yes. Her only toys
05:52were Tupperware containers and quarters. Quarters are a choking hazard. Oh my god. What is our
05:58plan for raising this baby? Uh plan? Yeah we can't raise a human in this tiny New York City apartment.
06:05What are other reasonable options? I think we should leave New York. What? Leave New York? Are
06:12you crazy? If we move back to Minnesota we can live like kings. Ugh. The kind of kings that have
06:17to
06:18choose the near chilies or the far chilies. Okay we can have like a house. Ugh. I think houses are
06:24overrated. Then you have to like go to Home Depot and like have a yard. So? Then you have to
06:30mow a yard.
06:31Mowing is relaxing. You know what I think is relaxing? Going to an artisanal beer hall and
06:36getting drunk on a Hefeweizen. You can't bring a kid to an artisanal beer hall. I'm gonna strap
06:41him to the front of me and we're gonna have an adventure. What if he sees some guy jerking
06:44off on a bench? A man jerking off on a bench at an artisanal beer hall. Okay but what if
06:51he
06:51turns into one of those scary New York teenagers? What if he becomes a pill fueled suburban teenager?
06:56Either way the teenage years are gonna be terrible. If we move home. Dad will babysit for free literally
07:04all the time. If we stay here we can have an artistic babysitter who like takes improv
07:10classes and has a septum piercing. Dad can do improv. Well what if we renounced all worldly possessions
07:16and move to an ashram in India? We're not moving to India. I learned that from my guru. His name
07:26is Greg but I don't think that was the name he had at birth.
07:45Who are you? Are you gonna be into space? Are you gonna win a science fair? Are you gonna wanna
07:55have a religion? Ugh. Are you gonna teach me about like whatever the next internet is? Are you gonna be
08:03cooler
08:04than me? Are you gonna be gay? Am I eating too much curry? No I'm not gonna teach you how
08:09to
08:09masturbate. Are you gonna have bacne? Are you gonna jizz in socks? What do we do with
08:15your socks after they're full of jizz? Are you talking to me? Are you on the phone? No oh I'm
08:21sorry I'm pregnant.
08:22Oh. Congratulations. Thanks. Are you gonna want a vanity plate? Are you gonna like music I don't understand?
08:32Uh I don't want to talk to you about consent. I am going to talk to you about consent. Am
08:37I gonna drive you crazy?
08:39Am I not eating enough curry? Are you gonna be in porn? I guess we'll have to get a lot
08:44of new socks huh?
08:45Oh are you doing Zumba? Should we go get curry right now? Are you gonna be a Republican?
08:59When you start to have sex the worst thing that can happen is a baby. I took a pill every
09:06day for like 15 years to keep it empty.
09:11Then all of a sudden I want to get preg. It's time to fertilize a rotten egg.
09:20It's positive. Please put away the weed. It's positive. Holy crap what if I bleed? It's positive.
09:28Here come hemorrhoids and the back knee. It's positive. These hormones are attacking me.
09:36Like this one night all I could think about was taking a knife and stabbing it into drywall.
09:41In like a sort of concerning way. But I didn't and I'm totally fine now.
09:47This dude stuck. He's the size of a pear. I can totally feel my abs tear. Invasion.
09:57It's so weird to feel him kick. Invasion. I am making a tiny dick. Invasion.
10:04Sometimes I puke when I sneeze. Invasion. Can you get off my bladder please?
10:11Oh my god. It has to come out. Suddenly I'm full of self-doubt.
10:18Birth. I'll be calm like a saint. Birth. I feel very worried about my date.
10:25Birth. My mom says it's not so bad. Birth. But the cute family story is that during my birth she
10:32threatened to divorce my dad.
10:34I can't tell what's real and what's a facade. But I'm creating life so suck it god.
10:42Life. This baby's worth the pain. Life. I can't wait to meet your brain. Life. We're gonna be a team.
10:53Life. You are my ultimate dream.
10:56Life. You are my ultimate dream. Life. You are my ultimate dream.
11:03Oh! I gotta pee!
11:10I am hoping and planning for an orgasm birth. So it's basically like you cum a million times and then
11:17a baby comes out.
11:18And I'm looking at the way other women are doing it and I've sort of decided, hmmm, not for me.
11:23I had a really brutal childbirth.
11:26I've had two children, and the first one, I always say, broke me.
11:30I really think I'm just, I'm gonna die, and this baby's gonna die,
11:34and this is all gonna end up horribly.
11:37So I want to make sure that these four hours are, you know, something I really experience.
11:43I mean, I was in labor for 26 hours.
11:45It was also three days long.
11:46I'm not worried about tearing because I have a very meaty nether region.
11:49She had her hands in my vagina, literally tearing it open.
11:58I think my labor is going to be like a hard yoga class.
12:02You know, like Bikram in the summer.
12:04Rivers of blood.
12:06It was so intense and so painful that I forgot that I was there to have a baby.
12:11I just wanted everything to be over.
12:12Get out of me now!
12:14Whoa!
12:15You can't really imagine the pain until it starts happening, and you're like, what the
12:20fuck?
12:21That's not, wait, wait, wait.
12:24I want to change my mind.
12:25I'm not ready for this.
12:26You also, like, give birth to a thing called a placenta, which looks like a stingray.
12:31I'm definitely eating my placenta.
12:33Yeah, we have a blanket we're gonna bring them home in.
12:34It's a beautiful shambori.
12:37It's sort of like a tie-dye technique that they do in Japan, and it does match my home-going
12:43kimono, which is different than my birth kimono.
12:46I'm actually packing a total of four kimonos.
12:49You become an animal.
12:51I was an animal.
12:51I'm not worried about shitting during birth because, to be totally honest, I haven't
12:55shit myself in years.
12:59Year.
12:59Year.
13:00Year.
13:01Year.
13:01Year.
13:01Year.
13:01Year.
13:01Year.