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John Cruz
  • 13 minutes ago
My Family Chose Her and Lost Me Forever

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00:00child was born the parents set a most important day of that child's life when it was finally
00:04brought upstairs and opened the night Lily received her acceptance letter from Parker
00:08School of Design mom went down to the cellar for hers Lily's bottle hadn't been saved at birth
00:16after she came to us at 11 mom found one from her birth year and wrote her name on the
00:21neck
00:21tag herself my older brother Ryan brought up his own bottle too our little artist is going to New
00:30York two corks are coming out tonight my acceptance letter sat on the coffee table in the living room
00:36Westbridge University full scholarship civil engineering nobody had asked I went down the
00:42cellar stairs and stopped in front of the dusty wooden rack where's mine mom hesitated for half
00:48a second your father gave it away a few years ago it was just a bottle Anna don't make a
00:57scene on
00:57Lily's happiest night my boyfriend Ethan was wiping dust from Lily's bottle he heard the question but
01:02didn't look up that was the moment I finally understood they owed Lily's father a life and
01:08for years they had been repaying that debt with pieces of mine even my boyfriend had become part
01:14of what they were giving her I took out my phone and accepted the overseas scholarship
01:19departure August 27th one way this time I wasn't coming back mom sent Lily's bottle in the middle
01:26of the dining table all right here we go she worked the cork free which got into Parker's school of
01:33design been saving this bottle seven years for tonight dad was on the sofa smiling Ethan stood
01:39behind Lily let me get one of you with it come on Lily nodded tucked her hair behind her ear
01:44and held
01:46the bottle shoot from my right side it's better it's better the shutter clicked a few times mom
01:51pulled dad up off the sofa Ethan honey get one of the four of us my daughter's off to Parker
01:59School
01:59of Design I've never been so proud the shutter clicked again mom dad Ryan really stood together all
02:07smiling I stood in the corner of the living room my acceptance letter was two feet from mom's elbow
02:12nobody said a word about it mom poured Lily a glass there you go sweetheart our girl this bottle has
02:19been waiting for tonight Ryan took a sip from his glass and made a face whoa that's got a kick
02:24well
02:25of course it does my post is blowing up Ethan steadied Lily's glass slowly little it's strong but
02:30Lily was smiling that soft crooked smile but this is mom and dad's love for me how could I sip
02:35it
02:35she downed the glass in one gulp and came up coughing cheeks flushed red oh mom and dad's love
02:41is too strong it burns going down the whole family cracked up mom actually wiped her eyes I looked at
02:46the two bottles on the table and the empty ring of dust in the cellar rack downstairs a hard knot
02:51tightened beneath my ribs 18 years ago my grandmother picked out a bottle of wine just for me every autumn
02:56she took me down to the cellar to check the cork and wine level wipe away the dust and lay
03:00it back on
03:00the rack to age she used to say honey this bottle is worth more than any inheritance every year it
03:07ages down here is another year someone loved you grandma died four years ago by then my bottle had
03:13already been gone for years no one had told me when Lily came to us seven years ago mom carefully
03:17chose
03:18a bottle from Lily's birth year too every autumn after that she went down to the cellar herself to
03:22check on it and set it carefully back in place seven years ago there was an accident on dad's
03:27construction site a steel beam came down the beam struck dad's co-worker Daniel Bennett across the
03:32back and he never regained consciousness dad had done the safety walk that morning he'd been convinced
03:36ever since that he had missed something Daniel had no family left just an 11 year old daughter
03:40the afternoon mom brought her home she held her and cried for hours this is your home now sweetheart
03:45nobody will ever let you down again it took me a long time to understand what that meant it meant
03:50that
03:51as long as Lily never got hurt it didn't matter how many times I did my phone buzzed against my
03:55thigh
03:56miss Anna Mercer your placement has been confirmed please report to program orientation no later than
04:01August 27th one-way ticket enclosed from the living room another round of laughter Lily must have said
04:06something the four of them howled with laughter I locked the screen 19 days until I was out of this
04:11house for good next morning they were all at the breakfast bar with the laptop open filling out
04:15Lily's housing forms mom had bookmarked her top pick Lily's always loved her art that dorm right by the
04:21Parker School of Design Sampus is supposed to be gorgeous Ryan leaned in this one has a private
04:25bathroom she'll be comfortable dad who almost never spoke up about this kind of thing said get her that
04:29one then the four of them clustered around one screen the whole morning I sat at the other end of
04:34the
04:34table with my own laptop closed in front of me Westbridge University's confirmation had been sitting in
04:38my inbox for a week nobody asked me where I was going at lunch mom set her fork down like
04:43she'd just
04:43remembered something right we need to sort out her allowance too she turned to Lily and her voice went soft
04:49New York's expensive honey I'll wire you 1500 at the start of every month if it's tight you tell mom
04:54okay my fork paused halfway to my mouth money was tight it had been tight for two years dad's crew
05:00had been working only three days a week since winter mom was on the register at the co-op Ryan
05:04was going
05:05into junior year three kids in college at once and 1500 a month on top for Lily that was going
05:10to hurt
05:10I opened my mouth mom what we bring in every month with three tuitions and Lily's living expenses
05:17Ryan's fork hit the table what is your problem what are you the family accountant now Lily needs a
05:23little spending money so what she's alone in New York of course we're taking care of you just can't
05:27stand her being happy he was genuinely angry now it's been like this since we were kids she has
05:32nobody Anna nobody would it kill you to let her have this Ethan who had been quiet at the end
05:37of the
05:37table set his fork down and smiled at mom okay how about this Mrs. Merson give Lily 600 and I'll
05:42cover
05:43the other nine every month my dad gave me a card in my name there's plenty of money on it
05:46mom lit up
05:47Ethan honey we couldn't possibly he waved her off really Mrs. Merson Lily's like a sister to me don't
05:52worry about it Lily set her fork down and gave that sweet careful smile thanks mom thanks Ethan I opened
05:59my mouth and nothing came 900 a month he worked weekends at a bubble tea place he made maybe 60
06:05bucks
06:05on a good week he'd been saving all summer for a camera lens that money was going to Lily now
06:09every month for four years he and I had been together three years on my 18th birthday last
06:15March he hadn't been able to afford a cake I bought my own on the way home from school I
06:19told
06:19him it was fine we were both students I understood I understood mom put some chicken on Lily's plate
06:24then looked up as if she just remembered something oh Anna you should look at New York too then you
06:29two
06:29girls could look out for each other much safer my stomach dropped and what about my allowance he
06:34looked at me as if I'd said something strange honey you're 18 in a city like New York you could
06:40easily find a weight-reading job two three thousand a month no problem you've always been the capable
06:44one I laughed my eyes were burning she meant same college 1500 a month for Lily and nothing for me
06:51because I was capable because I managed she didn't hear anything wrong in what she just said
06:55that night Ethan messaged hey if you're ever short on food money just say I applied to Parker School of
07:01Design too same school as Lil didn't want her alone out there I'll keep an eye on her don't worry
07:05it won't set me backs I looked at it for a long time your scores could get you into a
07:10much stronger
07:10program and you're going to her school he came back instantly their program's good too and I don't
07:15like the idea of her being alone in the city it won't affect me promise I sat and typed something
07:19deleted it typed it again deleted it in the end I just sent okay he'd chosen a school far below
07:25what
07:25his scores could have earned him just to look after her three years we'd been together during senior year
07:30whenever I asked him for help with math he'd say Anna I'm on the home stretch I can't spend my
07:34nights tutoring you I locked the phone and rolled over on the mattress through the wall I could hear
07:38them laughing at the TV I opened my Westbridge University acceptance email again the one I hadn't
07:43even bothered to answer because I'd already accepted the overseas scholarship instead I wondered how long
07:47it would take them to notice I was gone I was woken by voices in the driveway I stepped into
07:52the
07:52living room and pushed the window open outside everyone was gathered around dad's car Lily spotted me by
07:58the window and wave Anna aren't you dressed yet we're heading into the city thought you were coming
08:03since when she held up her phone Ryan posted in the group last night did you not see I pulled
08:07up my
08:08phone nothing which group I didn't get anything oh the one we cut across her with a small cough
08:14the the family group just for dumb stuff memes and whatever didn't want to keep buzzing your phone
08:19he tapped his screen twice my phone buzzed the group name came up team Lily five members mom dad Ryan
08:25Ethan Lily a whole family get dressed honey we're waiting I grabbed the first shirt off the chair
08:31halfway into it I heard the engine stop I ran out the front door the car was already backing out
08:35of
08:36the driveway Ethan was driving Ryan beside me with mom dad and Lily squeezed into the back every seat
08:42taken my phone buzzed no room babe just stay home okay I'll bring you something back I looked at the
08:47message for a few seconds okay I slipped the phone into my pocket and watched the taillights
08:52disappear around the corner standing there in the empty drive I thought about the first summer
08:56Lily came mom led her upstairs by the hand Anna honey this is your sister now you'll share your bed
09:01right I moved against the wall and gave Lily half my pillow six months later mom came in with new
09:05bedding you're both getting too big the bed's too narrow now she laid a comforter on the floor
09:10Anna you sleep down here Lily's a nervous sleeper she needs the bed mom remembered Lily was a nervous
09:15sleeper she forgot I'd had bronchitis every winter since I was six and that the doctor had warned her
09:20not to let me sleep on a cold floor for the second winter my knees hurt whenever it rained they
09:24still
09:24do the year after that mom moved me to the living room couch Lily wants her own space honey just
09:29make
09:29do here for a while mom knew girls needed privacy at that age but forgot Lily and I were the
09:34same age
09:34by the third year I'd been moved into the mudroom off the back kitchen 12 square feet no window one
09:39bulb
09:40on a pull chain four years I lived there half a bed floor couch mudroom and now not even a
09:45seat in the
09:45car my phone buzzed I thought it was Ethan it wasn't your ticket for ET 837 SFO to Nairobi August
09:5127th
09:52is confirmed please check in two hours before departure they got back after dark Anna we're home
09:58Lily dropped a shopping bag on the couch beaming got you something Ethan pulled a small box out of his
10:03jacket didn't want to leave you out peace offering I opened it a thin silver bracelet a small charm
10:11thanks something in me eased just slightly then Lily looked over from the counter Anna guess what
10:15we got such a great deal your bracelet it was an add-on with the necklace only 10 bucks extra
10:20my fingers
10:20paused on the clasp free with what Lily set her glass down and pulled a jewelry box out of her
10:25bag
10:26flipped it open rose gold a butterfly pendant small stones set along the wings
10:33Ethan got it for me I've wanted this for months it was 430 dollars Ethan shrugged you deserve
10:39something nice off to college and everything mom leaned in Ethan honey that's too much only the best
10:47for our Lily Mrs. Mergel I turned the bracelet over tiny letters were stamped on the back promotional not
10:54for resale Lily went quiet she looked at me then down at her own box her voice went soft
11:01Anna you don't like it do you I'm sorry I didn't think Ethan was trying to include you and I
11:07was so
11:08set on that necklace and I just her eyes went pink at the corners I always do this everything nice
11:14ends
11:14up with me and you end up with with I'm so selfish mom rushed over Lily don't say that we're
11:20family
11:20we don't keep track of who gets what Lily pushed the necklace toward me Anna you take it I don't
11:29want
11:29it mom caught her wrist sweetheart no Ethan bought it for you Lily shook her head tears now streaming
11:35down her face no Anna's hurt it's my fault for coming into this house if I hadn't then her eyes
11:40fell on the dish by the fireplace where grandma's bracelets were kept two thin silver bangles grandma
11:46had slipped them onto my wrist a week before she died these belong to you honey nobody takes them
11:52in the wall Lily picked one up and held it against her wrist Anna what if we traded my necklace
11:57for
11:58one of your bangles that way we both have something fair I was on my feet no those were grandma
12:05really flinched the bangle came down the tears came harder I'm sorry I didn't I just thought Ryan
12:11stepped between us Jesus Anna do you have to she's offering you a four hundred dollar necklace for a piece
12:19of scrap silver and you're still not happy that bangle isn't worth anything you could take it to
12:24a pawn shop and they wouldn't give you anything for it I bawled my fists it was grandma's Ethan came
12:30over and put a hand on my arm Anna come on Lily's dad was left in a vegetative state because
12:35of this
12:35family her being happy matters more than anything it's just a bracelet you can get another one I looked
12:49I turned around walked into the mudroom and closed the door I sat on the camp cot with my back
12:53against
12:53the wall these belong to you honey nobody takes them from you somebody had in the end and it hadn't
12:58been hard the morning Lily left for New York they were up at five the trunk was packed to the
13:04ceiling
13:04comfort bedding set a whole crate of snacks mom had spent Saturday assembling mom handed me an envelope
13:10a seventeen hour greyhound ride in a cramped seat get some rest when you get there honey I guess I'll
13:17go
13:17then she was buckling Lily's seat belt she didn't look up Lily leaned out the back window and waved
13:21see you soon Anna I watched the taillights around the bend then I turned went into the mudroom picked up
13:27my passport and duffel I'd packed the night before and walked to the bus stop by four that afternoon I
13:33was through security at SFO my phone lit up messages stacking 15 20 Anna where are you the bus
13:40company says you never boarded Anna answer your damn phone please tell me you're safe honey please
13:46just I deleted every contact powered the phone off dropped it into the trash can by the gate the
13:51plane climbed through the clouds I said goodbye to all of it at exactly that moment back home dad's
13:57phone rang a number he didn't recognize mr. Mercer this is detective Halligan I'm calling about the
14:02Bennett workplace injury from seven years ago we've been going back over the old file and something's
14:08turned up that we'd like to talk to you about hand was shaking on the phone what do you mean
14:15something's turned up we pulled the original inspection logs your safety walk that morning
14:19was fully compliant mr. Mercer there were no gaps no omissions dad went still that can't be right
14:27that morning was my walk I mr. Mercer the accident wasn't your fault not in any way the hallway was
14:33silent
14:34for half a minute dad leaned his shoulder against the wall gripping the phone jaw clenched then how
14:39did he that's what we're still working on but we can tell you today you don't bear any responsibility
14:44for it dad's mouth opened and nothing came out seven years seven years he'd carried it dad who
14:52was that Ryan came out of Lily's dorm onto the landing saw dad's face and stopped dad slid the phone
14:59into
15:00his pocket police they said the accident that morning wasn't on me my inspection was clean Ryan
15:07stared at him then how did Daniel they're still working on it mom came out with a curtain hook in
15:12her hand what are you doing out here Lily's curtains still need mom Ryan cut her off the Bennett thing
15:18wasn't dad's fault police just called her hand went slack the hook pinged off the floor that's not
15:23that isn't what do they mean not then dad suddenly Anna where's Anna has she messaged mom pulled out
15:30her phone her face went white she's she's blocked me the three of them stared at each other dad turned
15:38and was already going for the stairs home now Lily came out of the dorm room with a fresh set
15:43of bedding
15:44in her arms where are you going what about my bed make it yourself we have to go home Anna's
15:52gone
15:52something flickered across Lily's face before her expression softened oh I mean maybe she just you
16:00know ran off in a hip she bit her lip she's done it before right a little dramatic trying to
16:06make
16:06everyone worry so she gets some attention maybe it's just one of those Ryan was quiet for a beat
16:14Lily's got a point Anna's always been like this ignore her for a couple days she'll come around
16:21mom wavered but she blocked all of sulking Ryan said Lily added very small I don't want to overstep I
16:29just if we all go running the second she does this aren't we teaching her that it works dad said
16:34nothing in his head one sentence over and over the accident wasn't your fault seven years for a debt
16:41that hadn't existed he put his own daughter in a mudroom the old debt might have been a lie but
16:47the one he
16:48owed her now was real next morning dad drove home before it was fully light the house was silent he
16:54pushed open the mudroom door 12 square feet concrete floor swept clean every trace of me gone give her a
17:00few days dad Ryan said behind him she'll come home a week passed I didn't mom cracked on day five
17:06and
17:07called 911 my daughter's missing her phone's off she blocked us she the dispatcher cut her off ma'am how
17:13old is
17:13your daughter she just turned 18 the tone flattened ma'am she's a legal adult voluntary loss of contact
17:19isn't a missing person case if she's chosen to break contact we can't open a file mom set the phone
17:27down and stood in the middle of the living room staring at nothing Ryan drove out to Westbridge
17:32University the admissions office pulled her up Anna Mercer no record of enrollment she declined the offer
17:40he drove to the state testing office the woman behind the desk looked up at him sir her application
17:44is blank she didn't submit a single choice Ryan stood in the atrium with his phone in his hand
17:49Westbridge University full ride declined and no other schools listed anywhere at the same moment Nairobi
17:5698 degrees on the tarmac I came out of the terminal and the heat hit like an oven door my
18:02contact
18:02was a wiry man in his 40s gray at the temples skin the deep brown of long years outside everybody
18:08at the
18:08compound called him Marcus Anna Mercer yeah 18 yeah he looked me up and down you're the youngest
18:19volunteer I've picked up all year water in the truck drink some the compound was 30 kilometers
18:25outside the city then another transfer overland to the field station corrugated tin roofs eight to a
18:31bunkhouse communal showers I dropped my duffel on a metal bed frame and looked around there was a bed
18:38it wasn't the floor that was already more than I'd had at home meanwhile mom back in the kitchen
18:43dropped the bowl when Ryan told her what do you mean blank she scored top of her class she could
18:50have
18:50gone anywhere she didn't submit anything then where even pushed the door open without knocking
18:56his face had no color in it I found her he turned his phone around light record ET 837 August
19:0327th
19:04San Francisco to Nairobi Africa UN affiliate infrastructure aid seven-year term personal
19:10communications surrendered on arrival mom's knees went she caught the edge of the table seven years
19:16without Ethan didn't answer he scrolled up through his messages with me three years of us ten screens
19:21top to bottom fewer than five he had initiated he scrolled his messages with Lily one day filled 15 screens
19:26first day at the field station the site lead dropped a stack of paper on my desk previous rotation left
19:31this safety assessment for the school build it's a mess redo it I stayed up all night with it at
19:388
19:38the next morning I handed it back he read for 10 minutes and looked up you're 18 yeah this is
19:45better
19:45than what my grad students hand in at lunch Marcus came past the mess table with an extra tray and
19:49set
19:49it down next to mine you're too thin eat next day another tray day after the same I asked him
19:54why he
19:55said a kid your age this far from home whoever let you come out here alone doesn't deserve you cost
19:59me
19:59nothing to grab an extra plate I looked down at the tray I didn't let him see my face that
20:03same
20:03night back home mom went into the mudroom for the first time the bulb had gone she held her phone
20:08up
20:08as a flashlight and moved things aside in the corner she found a plastic bag old drawings going yellow
20:13crayon marker ages five six seven she'd forgotten I used to draw that I used to come running down the
20:19stairs holding up a piece of paper mom mom look what I made what had she been doing warming a
20:24bottle
20:24for Lily she sat down on the concrete floor of the mudroom the drawings in her lap and something in
20:30her
20:30throat closed up completely Ryan pulled the photo albums out that night almost every photo had Lily in
20:35it he had to flip all the way to the back to find one of me 11 12 years old
20:40standing under the oak tree
20:41behind grandma's cabin grandma next to me and on my shoulder he remembered that day he hadn't wanted to
20:46take the photo grandma had asked him please honey just one of Anna and me and he'd rolled his eyes
20:50and pressed the shutter to shut her up he remembered other things that bangle isn't worth anything
20:56you're obsessed with the dead woman's stuff if you're not helping pay this family's debt get out
21:01well she'd gotten out why didn't he feel better by month three at the field station I'd lost 12 pounds
21:06the heat wasn't the worst of it the worst was the gunfire at night the compound sat right on the
21:10edge of
21:10the security perimeter first night Marcus came into the bunkhouse in a flak vest outside the wire
21:15two kilometers go back to sleep you'll get used to it I lay looking at the tints I went out
21:19with
21:20the assessment team to a school build two classrooms of corrugate came in all at once
21:23I'm not that had been tied since I was 11 loosened being needed I thought so this is what it
21:28feels like
21:30little girl came up and wrapped both arms around my leg the translator said
21:37she wants to know if you're staying
21:41I crouched down
21:48yes I'm staying back home the second call came
21:54mr. mercer we've closed the bennett case that's breathing stopped who did it
21:58Daniel Bennett did the living room went silent
22:03we pulled his phone records and bank retapement in the month before the accident mr. Bennett was in regular contact
22:09with an individual who were injuries for
22:11insurance payouts mr. Bennett had gambling debts significant ones the plan was to loosen a few bolts on the scaffold
22:18just enough for a controlled partial
22:20collapse he'd position himself so as to sustain a survivable injury the blame would go on your inspection walk and
22:27they'd split the settlement
22:29he miscalculated the load when he backed the bolts off the whole section came down on his spine
22:33he couldn't move dad's hand slid off the arm of the chair
22:37he did it to himself he did it to himself it was never you he was setting you up it
22:42backfired on him mom was shaking seven years seven years
22:45of we owe that little girl she'd moved me out of the bed onto the couch into the mudroom none
22:50of it none of it had ever been owed she dropped to the carpet
22:53and all these years
22:54she couldn't finish ryan was on his feet
22:56what the hell were we paying for
22:59he kicked a living chair over
23:02the top of her class and she didn't apply anywhere
23:06and i told her to get out and she did she actually
23:10dad was on the floor with his head in his hands
23:14it's on me
23:16i believed it first
23:17if i'd looked at the report properly back then
23:20your mother would never have brought that little girl home
23:22anna wouldn't have had to
23:24mom was crying so hard she couldn't get breath
23:26an 18 year old girl
23:28passport
23:28a duffel
23:29alone
23:30in a place with gunfire outside the wire
23:32she couldn't finish the thought
23:33ryan leaned against the wall for a long moment
23:36i'm going out there
23:37mom got up off the carpet
23:38i'm coming
23:39dad stood and wiped his face
23:41call the program office first
23:42ethan worked every channel he had
23:44every answer came back the same
23:46ms mercer is currently in post
23:48during the term of service
23:49she cannot be reached through outside channels
23:51three months later
23:52lily came home for winter break
23:53she wheeled her case through the front door
23:55and the room felt wrong
23:56mom was on the couch
23:57didn't jump up to take her case
23:59didn't get up at all
23:59lily set the case down and smiled
24:02mom i'm home
24:03mom looked up at her
24:04her eyes had changed
24:05the way mom used to look at lily
24:07like she was something fragile
24:08something owed
24:09that light was gone
24:10lily set her bag down and sat beside her
24:13mom
24:15what's wrong is it
24:16is anna still not back
24:17the name landed and mom's eyes filled
24:19ryan spoke flat and quiet
24:20lily
24:21the police closed your dad's case
24:23turned her head
24:26he wasn't hit by the scaffold lil
24:28he loosened the bolts himself
24:30he was trying to fake a workplace injury
24:32for the settlement
24:34gambling debts
24:35he got the load wrong
24:36and it came down on him for real
24:38lily's face went white
24:40that's that isn't my dad wouldn't
24:42records
24:43phone
24:43bank
24:44middleman statement
24:46all checks out
24:47lily stood up
24:48her hands were shaking
24:49my dad wouldn't
24:50he
24:51he wouldn't do that
24:53she started to cry
24:55you're
24:55you're just taking it out on me
24:57because anna's gone
24:58i didn't do anything
25:00i didn't
25:01she was sobbing now
25:04did i ask you to bring me here
25:07i was 11 i didn't know anything
25:09home
25:11i believed you
25:12she dropped into a crouch
25:14arms around her knees
25:16mom watched her
25:17seven years of habit is heavy
25:18she got up
25:19went over
25:20crouched down
25:21lily
25:23your dad is your dad
25:24and put her arms around her
25:26it isn't your fault
25:27you're still ours
25:29walked in from the porch
25:30and stood in the middle of the room
25:32looking at all of it
25:33when mom finally let lily go
25:35he cleared his throat
25:36lily is not her father
25:37that's the end of it
25:38that night
25:38lily went upstairs for a shower
25:40she left her phone on the coffee table
25:42screen lit up
25:43text preview
25:44contact name
25:45a heart
25:45ryan was walking past and glanced down
25:48lily
25:48remember what mom told you
25:49don't ever let them
25:50the rest of the message was folded
25:52ryan stopped
25:53that wasn't mom's photo
25:54so who was calling herself lily's mother
25:56lily's real mother had walked out years before the accident
25:59as far as ryan had ever been told
26:01she was long gone
26:02wasn't she
26:03by the time lily came out of the shower
26:04ryan had read the whole thread
26:06it only went back four years
26:07anything older had been wiped
26:09four years ago
26:10the woman's voice notes
26:11auto transcribed
26:13lily
26:13listen to your mother
26:14that family owes us
26:16your dad is in a hospital bed because of them
26:18every cent they give you is what you're owed
26:20lily's replies were short
26:22i know mom
26:24mrs mercel bought me a new coat today
26:26anna's still in last year's
26:29good
26:30the more they give you the less she gets
26:32that's how it should be
26:34somebody has to pay for your father's life
26:36three years ago
26:37ryan yelled at anna today
26:38because she said the family didn't have enough money
26:40he said she just can't stand seeing me happy
26:42perfect
26:42the more they defend you and yell at her the less room she has in that house
26:46keep being their good girl
26:48two years ago
26:49mom i cried in front of anna today on purpose
26:51said it was my fault i kept taking her things
26:53the whole family came to comfort me
26:55ryan yelled at her
26:55crying is your best weapon
26:57the moment you cry they go soft
26:59and they decide the sisters the problem
27:01remember that
27:02lily had answered with a laughing emoji
27:05hand over mouth
27:06most recent month
27:08mom anna scored way above me in the college exams
27:12nobody said a word about it
27:13everyone's still fussing over me
27:15also her bottle in the cellar from her birth year
27:18been gone for years
27:19nobody even remembers who dad gave it to
27:22good in that house you're worth more than she is
27:24she's worth less than a bottle of wine
27:25last message yesterday
27:27lily when they bring up your father play the poor orphan
27:30cry a little
27:31they'll fold every time
27:34okay mom
27:38ryan walked into the middle of the living room
27:40everyone in here
27:42now
27:42dead
27:44mom came out of the kitchen
27:46what is it
27:48dad came in from the porch
27:51lily came down the stairs in pajamas
27:53saw ryan's face
27:54stopped on the third step
27:56ryan what
27:56who's the first pinned contact in your messages
27:59lily's face went rigid
28:01ryan i don't know what you
28:04screen recorded the whole thread
28:06want me to read it out loud
28:07he cast his phone to the tv
28:08the more they give you
28:09the less she gets
28:10that's how it should be
28:12somebody has to pay for your father's life
28:14the dish towel in mom's hand hit the floor
28:19crying is your best weapon
28:21the moment you cry they go soft
28:23and they decide the sisters the problem
28:27nobody spoke
28:29lily's face collapsed properly
28:32it's not it's not what it looks like
28:34then what does it look like
28:35ryan's voice was very low
28:36my mom told me to
28:41i didn't want to
28:42i was just listening to my mom
28:44i didn't know anna would
28:46you didn't know
28:48ryan's voice cracked
28:50she lived in a mudroom for four years
28:52did you know that
28:54her bottle got given away
28:56did you know that
28:58her grandmother's bangle came off her wrist
29:01and onto yours
29:02did you know that
29:04you knew all of it
29:05from the start
29:08lily was crying now
29:09really crying
29:10nobody moved
29:11mom was leaning against the couch
29:13lips trembling
29:17seven years
29:18i moved anna into the mudroom
29:20so you'd have your own space
29:21i cut anna's allowance because you said you needed more
29:25i told her boyfriend to look out for you because you said you were scared alone
29:28all of it
29:29for a lie
29:30lily opened her mouth
29:31and no sound came out
29:33she dropped into a crouch
29:35arms around her knees
29:36every other time she dropped like that
29:38someone had gone to her
29:40nobody moved
29:41dad walked out onto the porch
29:43and slid the door shut
29:44through the glass
29:47you could see his shoulders shake
29:49ryan stood in the middle of the room
29:51and finally finally thought of me
29:53he picked up the phone
29:54hello i'm calling about anna mercel
29:56i'm her brother
29:58i'm sorry sir
30:00during the term of service
30:02we cannot release any personal information
30:04months later one morning
30:06marcus stopped me on my way out to the site
30:08anna
30:10someone at the gate for you
30:17i walked down to the perimeter fence
30:20four people were standing on the other side of the wire
30:23mom's hair had gone half gray
30:24dad's back was bent
30:27ryan had lost so much weight i didn't recognize him for a second
30:30ethan was in the back
30:31he was holding a small bunch of blue flowers
30:33the petals were curled and sun shriveled
30:36all four of them stared when they saw me
30:38i'd gone brown from the sun
30:39my hair was cropped short
30:41i was in work pants
30:42sleeves rolled to the elbow
30:43boots red with dust
30:45mom spoke first
30:46her knees went
30:47she dropped into the red dirt
30:49mom is so sorry
30:52dad's mouth worked for a long time before anything came out
30:56come home
30:59ryan's voice was raw
31:00i told you to get out
31:02i'm sorry
31:03i looked at them
31:05the morning i'd left the house
31:07nobody had come to the porch
31:09mom had been buckling lily's seatbelt
31:12ryan had been at the wheel
31:14dad in the back
31:16now they were standing on the other side of a fence
31:19on the other side of the world
31:20asking me to come back
31:21mom get up go home
31:23my voice was calm
31:25she looked up at me
31:26and tears immediately welled in her eyes
31:29you still call me mom
31:31mom gripped the fence
31:32trying to pull herself to her
31:33Ethan stepped forward
31:35the stems of the flowers were crushed in his fist
31:38Anna, i'm sorry
31:40can we start over?
31:41no, he froze
31:44not because i hate you
31:46because i spent six months learning one thing
31:48i don't go looking for my place
31:50and what's left over from someone else's life anymore
31:53the flowers hung at his side
31:55petals falling
31:56i didn't reach for them
31:58i took a step back
31:59i'm not coming home
32:01mom's whole body went rigid
32:04died
32:04petals falling
32:06i didn't reach for them
32:07i took a step back
32:09i'm not coming home
32:11mom's whole body went rigid
32:13we've thrown lily out
32:15her real mother won't take her either
32:16the school kicked her out
32:17she couldn't cover tuition
32:19we've done it
32:19do you
32:20do you still hate us?
32:22tell us what to do
32:23tell us what we have to do
32:24so you'll
32:24it isn't about hate
32:25i cut across her gently
32:27i have work here
32:28i have friends here
32:29i have my own life here
32:31what you were going to give me
32:33i don't need it anymore
32:35some things
32:35once they're gone
32:36they're gone
32:39you gave away grandma's bottle years ago
32:41you can't un-cop it now
32:42just because you finally remember it was mine
32:45Ryan's fist clenched
32:48mom wouldn't let go of my hand
32:50you're all alone out here
32:51mom can't stand it
32:52i glanced behind me
32:53i'm not alone
32:54marcus was standing at the compound gate
32:56watching from a distance
32:57not intruding
32:58a couple of my colleagues were unloading a truck
33:01they'd clocked what was happening at the wire
33:03they said nothing
33:04there are people here who need me
33:05when they left
33:06i stayed inside the wire
33:07and watched them go
33:08mom kept turning to look back at me
33:10every few steps
33:12dad had his arm through hers
33:13his back was bent the whole way
33:15ryan walked out in front and never turned around
33:17but once
33:18near the vehicle
33:19i saw him lift the back of his wrist to his face
33:22then was last
33:23the blue flowers hung at his side
33:25dropping petals along the whole length of the track
33:27i turned and walked back into the compound
33:30marcus was waiting with a bottle of water
33:32family
33:32i took the bottle
33:33and shook my head
33:34then i smiled
33:35i don't have family
33:36he clapped a hand onto my shoulder
33:37nonsense
33:38everybody in this compound is your family
33:40i took the water
33:41i laughed once
33:42he stretched and started walking ahead
33:44come on
33:44we've got another day to run before sundown
33:47the sun landed hot on my shoulders
33:48this time
33:49i wasn't running away from anything
33:51i was walking
33:52straight
33:52and steady
33:53in the direction of my own life
33:55to be on my father
33:55i was walking back the whole way
33:55my watheon
33:56were
33:56he is