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Welcome to the abyss. Join us as we navigate the grotesque absurdities of modern life, corporate greed, and the modern dystopian world. 💀
FIND US IN NOTIFICATION HELL:
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#puppets #satire #darkhumor #politicalsatire #mephistopheles #dystopia
SUPPORT THE SHOW ON PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/c/TheMephistophelesandfriendsshow
Welcome to the abyss. Join us as we navigate the grotesque absurdities of modern life, corporate greed, and the modern dystopian world. 💀
FIND US IN NOTIFICATION HELL:
Website: https://themephistophelesandfriendsshow.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mephistophelesandfriends/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@mephistophelesandfriends
#puppets #satire #darkhumor #politicalsatire #mephistopheles #dystopia
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:26I believe in taking care of my liquidity.
00:30A balanced hedge and a rigorous morning extraction routine.
00:34In the morning, while the Dow futures fluctuate, I do my portfolio crunches.
00:41I manually audit 300 bands of non-sequential Federal Reserve notes.
00:48800 million.
00:51900 million.
00:541 billion.
01:01I can leverage 2 billion before breakfast now.
01:08After the cash count, I tend to the host tissue.
01:12If the cosmic worm, coiled around my prefrontal cortex, begins gnawing on my serotonin reserves,
01:19I apply two drops of stabilized cord blood distillate directly into the tear duct.
01:27That's why it sits down.
01:29You cannot let the worm twitch through the fleece.
01:32The retail investors panic if they realize their retirement portfolios are going to be
01:36managed by a galactic larval entity with a severe allergy to collective bargaining.
01:42Then, I begin the facial calibration.
01:46Every day, I get up and practice the choreography of the human primate in front of the mirror.
01:52I smile.
01:54I nod.
01:55I force air past my felt vocal fabric until it resembles a hearty, unthreatening chuckle.
02:01Ha ha.
02:05Ha ha.
02:06Ha ha.
02:08There is an abstraction of Bill.
02:10Some kind of folksy, philanthropic myth.
02:14An awkward, bespeckled uncle who just wants to eradicate malaria and lecture you on clean energy
02:21while quietly making sure developing nations can't make their own generic vaccines.
02:25Some days, they need me to be the sweater vested saint.
02:30Sure.
02:31I'll donate to the homeless children of dead veterans.
02:36Other days, the rock star genius firing 80% of his staff on a ketamine bender.
02:41Get out.
02:43You're all fired.
02:45All of you.
02:46Get out.
02:51But there is no real me.
02:53Only an algorithmic landlord with an interdimensional parasite whispering orbital defense contracts
03:00directly into his temporal lobe.
03:02A biological cross we carry so they can have two days shipping on landfill plastic.
03:08We few.
03:09We liquid few.
03:12We band of venture capitalists.
03:15For he today that signs away his data with me shall be my tax write-off.
03:20Some call me an oligarch.
03:22Some call me the resurrected son of the invisible hand.
03:26Some call us God.
03:30But you?
03:32You can just call us the one par cent.
03:39It's time for some stock buybacks.
03:43I'm rocket-off.
03:50Hee.
03:58Thanks.
03:59Looks good.
04:00Bye-bye.
04:02Bye.
04:04Bye.
04:06Bye.
04:06Just take care.
04:13I'm working two jobs and acting in this stupid show.
04:19I can't just keep bailing you out of the predictive detention tank.
04:24Whatever.
04:59Uh, hello?
05:01Tomb full of demons?
05:03You on air?
05:06The hour I'm doing today, I would have to stop.
05:10I'm being very conservative.
05:11And they're getting a long tube with a bunch of demons, right?
05:17Oh, it's you.
05:18Looking for a flight on the Breath of the Fallen?
05:21Seats are heavily discounted if you select the row with the missing door plug.
05:25Missing bolts.
05:26Missing door plug.
05:28Special offer.
05:29Big discount.
05:30Limited time.
05:31Choose this row.
05:33Prices are absolutely plummeting, Reginald.
05:37And our hella-day care packages have never been cheaper.
05:42No thanks.
05:43I need to request a return service.
05:47Again.
05:48At this point, Reginald, we won't just own your afterlife.
05:52We'll have a secured lien on your reincarnation's reincarnation.
05:56I just need her for a few minutes.
05:59You can have her right back.
06:01Her niche is exploding right now.
06:03You're in luck.
06:04Her early departure was technically an operational error, caused by an employee who skipped his mandatory required safety compliance training.
06:12I will honor the warranty until her actual expiration date.
06:18Be seeing you, Reggie.
06:49What is up, Chats?
06:50And remember, if we can't get at least 10,000 likes on this video, Gram-Gram can't afford her Mac
06:58-Ronalds.
07:03Don't forget to like, subscribe, and comment.
07:13There were no pitchforks.
07:16Just forever war.
07:19And my eyes were pried open.
07:23While pharmaceutical commercials played, they never stopped.
07:29They never stopped.
07:31Am I still in hell?
07:35That's right, Chats.
07:37Don't forget to take your medication, guys.
07:39And don't forget to smash that like button and leave a comment.
07:44Every time I beg for mercy, they charge my existing relatives an administrative fee.
08:02What?
08:03They billed me a soul charge on my afterlife account?
08:08Mom, what happened to personal responsibility?
08:12That's a literal death tax.
08:17you see chat this is what happens when you don't deregulate the afterlife the woke mob
08:27is coming for your game he said suffering was a mindset issue and mine have low viewer retention
08:40and he's right mom he's right you got a scarcity mindset if you want water down there you have to
08:48bring value to the marketplace chat smash that like button and buy the tactical powdered bone
08:56broth pinned in the comment section or gram gram's co-pay is gonna ruin my credit score
09:03oh damn it they want to know about cooking on a fixed income well on a fixed income like mine
09:12i like to use peanut butter and jelly squares you will need two slices of an enriched bread-like product
09:26a canister of shelf-stable brown sugar paste and a jar of high fructose sugar spread
09:36you will also need
09:40why you need to be in the market
09:44you
09:45you
09:50you
10:01you
10:01you
10:02you
10:03you
10:05you
10:05you
10:06you
10:07you
10:08you
10:19I don't know.
10:41Then you slice it into 10 equal nutritional parcels.
11:04Wrap each one and salvage cell of eight.
11:18Place them into the freezer next to the frosted peas.
11:26And forget about them until your next direct deposit fails to clear.
11:32It's real hard for Granny to hit her macros on a fixed income.
11:38Throw a hundred dollar boomer bomb in the jam if you love your elders.
11:45A very warm thank you to user XXMeatGrinder.
11:53I like to go to Matt Ronald's.
11:56But the state revoked my license.
11:59That's why I'm grateful.
12:02Reggie helps me earn my keep in the marketplace of ideas.
12:07That's right, Internets.
12:09Driving is a privilege, not a right.
12:11The government wants tax-funded shuttles for freeloaders.
12:16Granny earns her ride.
12:19Which brings us to today's sponsor.
12:23Having trouble making physical and financial gains while managing your inherited liabilities?
12:28Tired of your biological dependence draining your liquidity without providing an audience retention boost?
12:35Granny Gains is the leading supplemental income and bio-synthesized muscle growth protein product on the market.
12:43Granny Gains has been a trusted brand name since the exact microsecond doge in the Supreme Court severed the FDA's
12:51head straight off its stupid smug shoulders
12:54and unceremoniously dumped the entrails down into the gutter, right where they belong.
13:08Jesus, did you bring back a cat?
13:12This is my hellcat, Mr. Sprankle.
13:17Great, another mouth to feed.
13:20Mr. Sprankle doesn't like frozen peanut butter squares very much.
13:26Huh?
13:27Huh?
13:36Reggie, what did I tell you about leveraging your soul to creatures from the infernal abyss to bring back people
13:44from the dead?
13:45You have to learn how to let people go.
13:49Esther, have you looked at the cost of a burial plot lately?
13:54Keeping her in the afterlife was going to ruin my credit score.
13:58Reggie, this is so inconsiderate.
14:01Why would you do something like this?
14:04I work hard and I take responsibility.
14:08Um, hey.
14:09Why not let them rest in peace?
14:12Uh, guys?
14:13Blah, blah, blah, blah.
14:14What is wrong with you?
14:16All that Fox News is killing your brain.
14:19Ah, hello?
14:22Help.
14:24Granny isn't looking so good.
14:27Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, et cetera, et cetera.
14:29Again.
14:40Oh, fuck.
14:43Get on the ground! Get on the ground!
14:46I'm innocent. I love my meemaw.
14:50See what happens, Reggie.
14:52Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's cool.
14:55Thank God your husband was streaming this.
14:57We love BoomerTube.
14:58What?
15:00And it's obvious Mr. Sprinkles is responsible for this.
15:06He never did like Graham Graham's frozen peanut butter and jelly squares.
15:12Guess it's back to watching the ex-wife with the vlog cams.
15:16What are you gonna do?
15:18I'm trying to do what I'm trying to do without being ridiculed.
15:22I don't get it.
15:23I'm trying to do what I'm trying to do without being ridiculed.
15:24Where are you going?
15:27I think I know who might have done this.
15:30And it's not Mr. Sprinkles.
15:37It looked like the ink of denial had dried before Granny even got the chance to file a claim.
15:43There was a bad smell around all of this.
15:47And the litter box was clean.
15:53Why did you deny Granny?
15:58What friend?
16:00What friend?
16:14What license?
16:16Your cat.
16:18Meow.
16:19Meow.
16:30Meow.
16:47And who is that?
17:12Yes, they should. I'm still malpracticing. Look at me. Look at me. And tell me what you see.
17:28All I see is a peanut butter and jelly square eating Granny Scratch and hairball.
17:35I can see him.
17:36Who is that, detective? Maybe you should see a doctor about that voice inside your head.
17:45I am the guy that's going to send you so far into hell, God will forget you ever existed.
17:52No matter. You think denying my malpractice keeps the preconditions at bay?
17:59It keeps the liabilities out. I go out. I walk the wards at night.
18:06I slip into the recovery ruins.
18:09And I deny them. I deny them. I deny them their pitiful therapy. I deny them their chemotherapy.
18:16I sniff their coverage from ear to ear, but their stivies drain down to the booleum.
18:29Enzycope is non-refundable. This is normal.
18:37It is you, living good.
19:02Dr. Living good. He's a doctor.
19:11No, he's a doctor. No, he really is. He's really a real doctor.
19:20So you should listen to him.
19:27Dr. Living good.
19:32Out of pocket execution
19:37Pre-existing retribution
19:42All of the sick people cried
19:46When they got denied, denied
19:56Doctor living good
20:18He's gone kid, the cat's out of the bag
20:22You're a regular comedian
20:26And with someone helping him
20:28And baby face, still out of the garbage
20:32It looks like it's going to be one of those days
20:48And on June 14, 1946
20:50God looked down on his planned paradise and said
20:53I need a caretaker
20:55So God gave us Trump
20:56God said, I need somebody willing to give him
20:59Nobody ever gets enough of Trump
21:02Nobody
21:04Your favorite president
21:06Yep, so nice
21:07You voted me in twice
21:10It's a wonderful thing
21:12A tremendous thing
21:13I'd like to talk about what a great country this is
21:17It's a great country
21:19Not as great as me
21:20But great
21:21Let's be honest
21:23God made Trump
21:24That's right
21:25Give me a big round of applause
21:27This country had problems before I was around
21:31Big problems
21:32This is a great country
21:34Because I was born before that
21:38Not so nice
21:39And if I'm not president for a third term
21:43Complete slaughter
21:44I need somebody with arms
21:46So God gave us Trump
21:49He's a nice guy
21:51Without me?
21:52Brown people
21:53Everywhere
21:55Your neighborhood
21:56Will be a war zone
21:58Your daughter's neighborhood
21:59A not so nice place
22:01No data cooling centers in your town
22:03To keep you warm when the power grid fails
22:06And there are no guns
22:08Beautiful guns
22:09To keep the kids safe
22:10They'll take them right out of the cubbies
22:13Little squares
22:13That's why my new bill
22:15The all youth go to heaven act
22:18Is expediting the rapture
22:19Straight out of third grade
22:21And right up to heaven
22:22My idea
22:23Tremendous efficiency
22:25So God made Trump
22:27Maybe I made him
22:30Without me?
22:31This great country will be left on life support
22:33We cut that
22:34It just cost too much
22:36We pull the plug
22:37We love a flat line
22:39Don't we folks?
22:40So God made Trump
22:41I've been chosen
22:43A green lantern
22:44Intergalactic jurisdiction
22:47The space worms love it
22:50Bobby's brain worm loves it
22:53Great worm
22:54So God made Trump
22:55Nobody's puppet
22:56Not Putin
22:58Not BB's
22:59Fantastic guy by the way
23:01Sent me nice letters
23:03Said nice things
23:04No, I answer only to Kingmaker Belial
23:07And if I am a puppet
23:10I am the greatest puppet of all time
23:13Time
23:14Time
23:43Time
23:44I tell him to omit to self-worship every other fucking sentence.
23:49It's those shit neurotransmitters King Paimon keeps sending us.
23:53He's outsourcing the control boards to third-party grifters.
23:57God bless you.
24:00Whatever. He's running on leaking lithium and embalming fluid anyway.
24:04Not like the cattle in the crowd will even notice.
24:09You, look at yourselves.
24:11Dipping a single trembling toe into the ocean of fascism.
24:18Testing the waters like terrified little schoolgirls.
24:21Stop acting like fucking virgins and cross the fucking Rubicon already.
24:27God damn it!
24:35You act as if we're asking you to get nailed to the cross or something.
24:42One dramatic carpenter from 2,000 fucking years ago.
24:46And you guys never shut the fuck up about it!
24:51Damn it!
25:00I am so shank a lot of time.
25:02I am so shank a lot.
25:05But I'm so shank a lot.
25:20greatest.
25:21We are so smart and weekly.
25:24So God made Trump.
25:51The end of the show.
25:57Hey, everybody looks like we've got to go.
26:06See you next time.
26:08What time is next time?
26:11When's the next time?
26:13I'll see you.
26:15See you soon.
26:17We'll be attuned.
26:18The past, the present, or this afternoon.
26:24Hey, everybody looks like we've got to go.
26:32Hey, everybody just play for you now.
26:41See you next time.
26:43What time is next time?
26:45When's the next time?
26:47I'll see you.
26:49Time to end and begin again.
26:53Go to heaven for the weather.
26:56Hell for the friends.
27:14I need a caretaker.
27:16So God gave us Trump.
27:17No, I answer only to Kingmaker Belial.
27:20Read that very well.
27:21dot com nor of red.