00:00This is the same milk that your mother's not giving you.
00:02What the hell?
00:04Uh, she wasn't drinking her milk.
00:06So...
00:08You gave yourself, uh...
00:10A fake boo.
00:11Yeah, and look, it's kinda working.
00:13Gimme.
00:14Hi, Lily.
00:15My boyfriend better not be in your cave, you nasty little troll.
00:18I could've sworn I heard Carson's voice in here.
00:21Uh, he's...
00:23He's oral...
00:24Over...
00:25Over at his house.
00:26Are you having a stroke?
00:27Why so nervous, Collins?
00:30Could it be that you...
00:33Um, uh...
00:34I was talking to him on FaceTime.
00:37And it was on speakerphone.
00:38That's probably why you heard him.
00:40He was saying how he can't...
00:43He can't wait to have this...
00:45Have sex...
00:46Have sex with you.
00:48Glad you know your place, bitch.
00:52I just hope you know that he's doing charity work by being friends with you.
00:59You might just be the worst liar I've ever had the privilege of relying on.
01:03Or under.
01:04I mean...
01:04Get out!
01:05Get out!
01:06Get out!
01:07Get out!
01:12You know, I still don't know why you...
01:13Since when have I, your best friend of a million years, ever made you nervous?
01:17You barely made it through that.
01:22Hey!
01:23That's my...
01:23I put my...
01:24I put my belt on that!
01:26I...
01:26I...
01:27Put this on!
01:34Damn, how I gotten this.
01:36Damn, he looks hot in those.
01:38I just...
01:39Well, it uh...
01:41It worked!
01:42Didn't it?
01:42You're welcome.
01:43Yes, you're amazing.
01:45Up top.
01:53Oh god, I...
01:54I can't believe I just...
01:55Saw my...
01:56First...
01:57And it's...
01:58Yours!
01:59Ugh!
02:00Thoughts?
02:02Because personally, I enjoyed what I saw down on your page.
02:04Carson!
02:05Did you...
02:06Did you really just...
02:07Say that?
02:08Ryan...
02:09Come on...
02:11Answer...
02:12Or you can just tell me to leave, but you're not exactly doing that either.
02:15It...
02:16It's...
02:17It's...
02:18Leave.
02:18And you need to...
02:22It's...
02:22Nice.
02:23And you need to leave.
02:24So you think it's nice?
02:26Ryan Collins, that is...
02:28Bold.
02:29You just admitted that my penis is nice.
02:31Shut up.
02:32Thank me.
02:34So...
02:35Just to be clear...
02:36You want me to leave, even though you think that I had a very nice...
02:42No.
02:43Oh god.
02:56Man.
02:59No.
02:59Actually, noone.
03:04No.
03:14Oh, of course, we...
03:16No.
03:17No.
03:17No.
03:17No.
03:18Because you're a little drunk and you're hiding from your evil psycho baby ex-girlfriend
03:25and you're a big football star and I'm just your twerky best friend and there's no way
03:28that you seriously want me.
03:30I like you, Gons.
03:33I'm very serious about how much I like you.
03:36Have you ever wondered what it would feel like if there was something more?
03:42Only every day since I was seven.
03:45I've even thought about him being my first.
03:47But I never thought it could actually happen.
03:50Maybe.
04:04Holy shit, Gons.
04:06I can't believe you've been hiding this from me.
04:20I've never done this before.
04:22I know.
04:26I promise I'll take care of you.
04:36Did I really just lose my virginity to my best friend?
04:44How'd you run to practice?
04:46Come find me on the field later tonight?
04:53I've loved Carson as long as I can remember.
04:57Does last night mean he feels the same?
04:59After the semester, he leaves for the most elite training camp.
05:03If he wants something more, he's probably going to ask now.
05:07I don't know.
05:18So, about last night?
05:20Oh, God.
05:21Does he regret it?
05:23Yeah, about last night.
05:26Look, if you think it was a mistake...
05:28A mistake?
05:30Gons, you can never be on the street.
05:32Well, you were really drunk, and it's probably obvious that I've liked you forever, and I just...
05:38I don't know if you want to be more than friends.
05:41What didn't you just say?
05:43I said I want to be more than friends.
05:45I like you.
05:47Gons.
05:48For real.
05:49I like you too, Gons.
05:51I just...
05:52What if this changes things between us?
05:55I don't want to lose my best friend.
05:58Mom.
05:59Mom, we've still got a few months since I leave.
06:02Okay?
06:03We can take a stock.
06:08I know.
06:19I've wanted him since forever, and now he's finally mine.
06:25So what?
06:26You're period three weeks late, and you've been throwing up every day.
06:29That doesn't mean jack squat.
06:34Positive.
06:39How am I supposed to tell my best friend that I'm pregnant with his baby?
06:43I don't know.
06:44But you have to, right?
06:45He's leaving soon.
06:59Dude.
07:00It's so obvious that you're with for Ryan.
07:02Since the moment that we were kids on a playground, man.
07:05You know, I guess I just never really thought that she'd feel the same way about a dumb jock.
07:10Give me that.
07:13I know I have to leave sooner than I thought, but am I going away party?
07:16I'm going to finally ask her.
07:18She needs to know how bad I want this.
07:28Watch it, Aggo.
07:29You can't even walk straight.
07:41Oh, my God.
07:43Ryan the troll might actually be pregnant?
07:46Oh, but who's going to guard the bridge?
07:48Pregnant?
07:49Someone actually put their dick in that?
07:51Did he have to wear a blindfold or a paper bag?
07:55Give that back.
07:56I will.
07:56When you tell me who your baby daddy is.
07:58I can't tell her the baby's Carson's.
08:01Her ex?
08:02She would kill me.
08:06Oh, my God.
08:07You don't even remember?
08:09You're such a slut.
08:10Ew.
08:11I'm going to call you Ghana Ryan.
08:15Maybe you should get tested for STDs, Trish.
08:17That's one test you'll actually pass.
08:21For somebody who dresses like a fugly Amish bitch,
08:25but probably has the body count of a stripper?
08:26You've got some nerve.
08:27Expose her, Lily.
08:29Let's show everyone what Ryan's got for sale.
08:37Not much.
08:39Oh, but don't worry.
08:40Maybe this little guy can make you some cash.
08:43Ew.
08:44So trashy.
08:46Are you crying?
08:48Is it because your bestie Carson isn't here to save you?
08:51Well, newsflash.
08:52He's moving across the country to be an NFL star.
08:55What?
08:55No.
08:56No, no.
08:57He's staying right here in North Cardiff.
08:59Oh.
09:00You don't know.
09:01He's training with the NFL champions.
09:03He's going to be gone the whole fall semester and the whole summer.
09:07I bet he's so excited to finally get away from this whale.
09:09She just sucks up all the air.
09:11Daddy.
09:12Oh, summer.
09:13Guys like him don't need deadweight, deadbeat teen moms dragging them down.
09:18Not like you'd even stand a chance.
09:19Yeah.
09:20Have you seen NFL wags?
09:21Perfect tits, perfect tens.
09:23You're already bloating.
09:25Oh my god.
09:25Imagine the flab and stretch marks nine months from now.
09:29Just drop out, Ryan.
09:33That was so good.
09:35Carson, you're going off to practice with NFL players and here I am.
09:45Love is right.
09:45If I distract Carson with this baby, I'll stop him from becoming the all-star he's capable
09:51of being.
09:52I'll destroy everything he's ever worked for.
09:57Your father can never find out about you.
10:02He needs to leave and never come back.
10:06Come on.
10:08Let's go.
10:10To Carson.
10:14The youngest.
10:15Player in history to train with an NFL team.
10:18Literally.
10:19Your career is like set, man.
10:21How does it feel?
10:22Speed, speed, speed, speed, speed, speed, speed.
10:25All right.
10:26All right, all right, all right.
10:28Woo!
10:28Of course, I wouldn't be here without my team.
10:31Woo!
10:31Woo!
10:32But I also owe this win to my best friend, Ryan Collins.
10:38You've stood by my side since we were kids.
10:40For every win, every loss, every stupid dream I've ever had.
10:49Cars.
10:51Cars, hey.
10:53What happened?
10:54Talk to me.
10:56It's me.
10:58I freaking had one job.
11:00To throw the ball.
11:02And I blew it.
11:05Everybody's counting on me and I blew it.
11:07I blew it because I'm an idiot.
11:10No, hey, breathe.
11:11Carson, breathe.
11:13Okay?
11:13You're the youngest captain in our school's history.
11:17You are perfect.
11:2099% of the time.
11:22On and off the field.
11:30You're not embarrassed?
11:32Everybody's going to ignore me.
11:33I blew the homecoming game.
11:34You're my best friend, stupid.
11:37I mean, yeah, sure, you're going to make it to the NFL one day.
11:39But I'd still be best friends with you, even if you were the water boy.
11:52That night, you said we were best friends.
11:56But Ryan, I want to be so much more than that.
11:59There's no doubt.
12:01No question in my mind.
12:03Well, except for one.
12:07Oh, shit.
12:11Will you marry me, Ryan Collins?
12:16Guys like him don't need deadweight, deadbeat teen moms dragging them down.
12:20I'm so sorry, Carson.
12:23You're my best friend.
12:24That's why I'm doing this.
12:28Oh!
12:35Ryan, what the hell?
12:37I thought you liked me.
12:39I thought you wanted this.
12:41You thought wrong.
12:42I could never be with a loser like you.
12:44That's bullshit.
12:45I've known you since we were seven.
12:47I know when you're lying.
12:48You don't know me.
12:50I want to be with a real star.
12:52That's Jonah.
12:54You'll never be half the man or athlete that he is.
12:59I can see that.
13:01You know, I thought you cared about me.
13:04I guess I had your background.
13:08I didn't think you had that kind of spice in you, Collins.
13:12Now, where were we?
13:14Whoa!
13:15Whoa, what the fuck?
13:17Wait a minute.
13:19Are the rumors true?
13:20Are you actually pregnant?
13:22Oh, you're trying to fuck me and baby trap me.
13:26You trashy, psycho bitch.
13:28Carson's dodged a bomb.
13:34That day, my final act of love for my best friend was convincing him I hated him.
13:41So he'd never come looking for me again.
13:44But I was wrong about how stubborn Carson Blake could be.
14:12Carson, Carson.
14:14You led your team to their first NCAA championship in 50 years.
14:18And now every college in the nation wants you on their team.
14:20Where are you going?
14:22Georgia?
14:22Oregon?
14:23Boise?
14:24Texas?
14:25Ryan?
14:27Ryan, you need to come look at this!
14:28Please hold.
14:29Okay.
14:31Oh, you need a diaper.
14:41Hey!
14:42I know you and Carson didn't leave on the best of terms, but isn't it good for Charlie to
14:45see your dad?
14:46For all?
14:46Well, she'll know.
14:47I found her dad at a random sperm bank.
14:50Got it?
14:51Are you sure you're ready for school on Monday?
14:53You haven't slept in like four months.
14:54I can't give Charlie the life she deserves working a minimum wage job.
14:58I need to get my pre-med degree.
15:00And you're not afraid of seeing you-know-who?
15:02Carson?
15:04No.
15:04No way.
15:05It's my guts.
15:07He's gotten an offer from every single Big Ten school for his senior season.
15:11There's no way that he'd come back to lame-ass middle of nowhere North Cardiff.
15:16Actually, I'll be going back to my roots.
15:19I'll be spending my senior season at the University of North Cardiff.
15:27Man, put that away.
15:28Your baby is fine.
15:30You won't be if you make me drink alone tonight.
15:32Oh, shut up!
15:35You're going to be drinking alone regardless.
15:38The babies can't drink tequila, remember?
15:40Come on, you're still in milk.
15:41And you haven't gone out since Charlie was born, so you have to have fun with me.
15:45Girls.
15:46Okay, fine.
15:47I'll stay.
15:48I'll need to watch over your drunk ass chicken.
15:51Isn't there supposed to be a weight limit at frat parties?
15:55Why don't you go home and breastfeed your little brat?
15:58She might shed a few pounds.
16:00I see you still don't have any hobbies, Lily.
16:02Oh, like you do?
16:03Still no dad in the picture, I'm guessing.
16:05He dodged a bullet.
16:07You're really pudgy.
16:08You looked like my mom before she started her diet.
16:11Leave her alone.
16:12You know, I heard the most interesting rumor today.
16:14I heard that someone very important is transferring back for his senior year.
16:19In fact, I think he's here now.
16:23Hope you don't embarrass yourself, you mama.
16:26Who's here?
16:51Oh my god.
16:53Freddy Krueger.
16:54I was going to make fun of your saggy ass breasts, but this is so much grosser.
16:59Let go of my skirt.
17:00Or what?
17:01Hey everyone, who wants to see Ryan's awesome new party trick?
17:06Ooh.
17:08Who wants to see a human cow get milk?
17:13Oh my god.
17:15Milk bag cow!
17:16Milk bag cow!
17:25Oh my god.
17:26Carson?
17:26He can't find out I had his child like this.
17:30Collins?
17:38Is that what I think it is?
17:40What happens next?
17:42Download Real Short.
