Family Movies by Daily Insight - Dailymotion

Daily Insight

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Transcript

00:00:05Oh

00:00:37Your name is Easepa.

00:00:39Keep your name.

00:00:42I am the only one who wants you to be.

00:00:44I can't tell you.

00:00:49I can't tell you.

00:00:50I can't tell you.

00:00:52I can't tell you.

00:00:55But I can't tell you.

00:00:57I will tell you.

00:00:57I can tell you.

00:00:58Let's go!

00:01:02I'll go!

00:01:03Get up!

00:01:06I'm going to the river,

00:01:08I'm going to the river

00:01:10I'm going to the river

00:01:12I'm going to the river

00:01:41Whoa.

00:01:43Whoa.

00:01:45Whoa, Whoa!

00:01:51He's Mr. Success

00:01:53He's higher than High

00:01:55He's sweeter than

00:01:57the sweetest cherry pie he's king of the hill he's top of the heat he's mr unique he's not mr

00:02:06sheep from the shine on his shoe to the stars in his eye if he were a girl he'd be

00:02:12princess

00:02:13die he's mr. success he's higher than high he's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie he's king of the

00:02:43ye enter ye thank you sir oh and uh thanks for sending your limo sir oh pish city city cigar

00:02:55oh

00:02:56oh come on take ye take ye excellent well bottle you had quite a day yesterday didn't you not bad

00:03:05sir better than a hefty kick in the trousers oh come on boast ye boast ye due to your ability

00:03:12to

00:03:12ferret out great works of art in the country houses of some mad short-sighted old sock knitters

00:03:18you've made this firm 50 million pounds in clear profit well not quite sir not once we've paid the

00:03:25old ladies back there share oh yes now i wanted to talk to you about this bernard do you mind

00:03:31if i

00:03:31call you bernard no sir bernie if you like yes well the fact is bernard i haven't quite mastered this

00:03:42refund bit elucidate ye well sir i bought the paintings for a song but i always said that if

00:03:50they turned out to be really valuable we'd pay the owners back properly probably not the full amount

00:03:56because if we hadn't found them the old ladies in question wouldn't have got anything that's a good

00:04:00point bernard that's a fully fledged bastard of a good point yes so now that we've sold them i thought

00:04:07we'd return half the money to the lovely old birds oh i see excellent so you're suggesting we return

00:04:1425 million pounds to the aforementioned old bats and keep a cool 25 mil for ourselves that's the ticket

00:04:23sir and i've got a list of some other old ladies who might have the odd gainsborough tucked away in

00:04:27their attic

00:04:28have you yes good good i like the cut of your jib bottle i've been watching you and i've been

00:04:39thinking

00:04:40about your future with the firm thank you sir yes i'm already assessing the prospects for the staff

00:04:46and so naturally my thoughts have turned to you have they sir yes they have and i've made a big

00:04:54decision

00:04:55and what's that sir you're fired

00:05:01sorry sir fired bottle i suck ye i want you and your philanthropic little arse out of this building

00:05:12pronto oh i'll have you arrested for loitering and probably throw a charge of sexual harassment into

00:05:17the bargain i'm not with you sir not anymore you're not and if i have anything to do with it

00:05:22you won't

00:05:23be with anyone else either miss temple take a letter i want it circulated to everyone in the art world

00:05:30including gilbert and george dearest darlings i write to warn you against employing a mr b bottle

00:05:38whom i've just caught attempting to steal notice steal their bottle 25 million pounds from me

00:05:46don't even interview him he has just left my office and suddenly my gold fountain pen has

00:05:52disappeared i'm therefore yours in crayon p.s i've just dropped in on my secretary who looks distinctly

00:06:01harassed sexually i think you get the message bucking yes sir

00:06:12not a very nice message no it's a true blue sticker farewell bottle and never darken our doors again

00:06:22this is a profit-making organization not help the agent

00:06:29wait a minute this isn't just a lovely joke before you promote me to head of department

00:06:34does this happen no right bugger ye

00:06:47oh

00:06:51is

00:06:55but has been kids

00:06:57He's a life-sickin' a man

00:07:00He's Mr. Dispatch

00:07:03He's Mr. Badluck

00:07:06He's Mr. Hedgehog

00:07:09And Mr. Truck

00:07:27Home early, sir?

00:07:29Did they give you the day off as a reward?

00:07:30Oh, no, actually, Keppel. They fired me.

00:07:32Oh, no, sir.

00:07:33Oh, yes, Keppel.

00:07:37I make them a fortune and them gloom and well kick me out.

00:07:40That's terrible, sir.

00:07:42Exactly the same thing happened to me.

00:07:43I used to work for this big oil firm.

00:07:46I discovered the formula for a new kind of petrol.

00:07:48Cleaner, cheaper, more efficient.

00:07:50Kinder to the environment.

00:07:52Handed it in, the next day they fired me.

00:07:54I never saw a penny of the profits.

00:07:56Is that true, Keppel?

00:07:57No, sir, it's not.

00:07:59Not true?

00:08:00No, sir, it's a total lie, sir.

00:08:02I thought I might cheer you up.

00:08:08That's very decent of you, Keppel.

00:08:11No, sir.

00:08:22No, sir.

00:08:44Hello, I'm sorry, I'm not in my office at the moment.

00:08:46Please leave a message, I'll get back to you.

00:08:48Bye.

00:09:09Hello?

00:09:09Hi, Kev, Bernie here.

00:09:11Oh, hi, look, um, things are a bit complicated right now, okay?

00:09:15God, you are like a rabbit, you never stop.

00:09:17Yeah, I know.

00:09:19Look, I've got some pretty grisly news could do with a shoulder to cry on.

00:09:23I've just tried Judy, but she's out.

00:09:24You don't know where she is, do you?

00:09:26Um, well, um, Barney.

00:09:30What?

00:09:31I do, actually.

00:09:32Oh, great.

00:09:34Hello, Bernard.

00:09:35Oh, hi, sweetheart.

00:09:37Oh, look, you're not going to believe what's going to blooming well happen.

00:09:41I potted into work this morning and...

00:09:45Wait a minute.

00:09:47What in the banana tree are you doing there?

00:09:49Well, you had to find out sometime.

00:09:52It might as well be now.

00:09:54Look, the thing is...

00:09:57Kevin and I are deeply in love.

00:10:00Yeah, sorry about this, mate.

00:10:02And we thought seeing you to getting so successful in everything these days...

00:10:06Yeah, congratulations.

00:10:08Great news.

00:10:08Perhaps you wouldn't mind so much us telling you.

00:10:10Well, wait a minute.

00:10:12You...

00:10:13Let me get this straight.

00:10:14You mean...

00:10:15You and Kevin?

00:10:17Yeah.

00:10:17That's right.

00:10:19Thanks for introducing us, mate.

00:10:21Oh, Barney, by the way, just as a matter of interest...

00:10:25You know who used to wonder why it was that Kevin got so many girlfriends?

00:10:30Yes, why does he get so many girlfriends?

00:10:32Because he's so good in bed.

00:10:36Oh, great.

00:10:49Barney?

00:10:50Yes?

00:10:51I was thinking, darling, do you mind if I just come round?

00:10:55Oh, no, please do.

00:10:56I'm sure there's nothing a good chat can't sort out.

00:11:00I want to get my stuff.

00:11:01I'm really eager to get settled in here.

00:11:03Oh, good.

00:11:05Excellent news.

00:11:21It'll be lovely this Christmas

00:11:25Without you to hold

00:11:28It'll be lonely this Christmas

00:11:32Lonely and cold

00:11:35It'll be cold, so cold

00:11:39Without you to hold

00:11:43This Christmas

00:11:50Each time I remember

00:11:53The day you went away

00:11:59How I would listen

00:12:01To the things you had to say

00:12:04I just break down

00:12:06As I look around

00:12:08And the only things I see

00:12:12Are emptiness

00:12:13And loneliness

00:12:15And an unlit

00:12:17Christmas tree

00:12:19It'll be cold, so cold

00:12:24Without you

00:12:26Without you

00:12:27Still

00:12:27This Christmas

00:12:37You remember last year

00:12:39When you and I were

00:12:41We never thought there'd be an end

00:12:47And I remember looking at you

00:12:49And I remember thinking

00:12:51That Christmas must have been made

00:12:53Because darling

00:12:56This is the time of year

00:12:57That you really

00:12:58You really need love

00:13:00When it means

00:13:02So very

00:13:04It'll be lonely

00:13:06So it'll be lonely

00:13:08This Christmas

00:13:08Without you

00:13:10Without you to hold

00:13:12It'll be lonely

00:13:15What happened?

00:13:16Seems to have been some sort of explosion, sir

00:13:18Good Lord, how am I?

00:13:20Do I still look vaguely human

00:13:21Or have I turned into Julian Knight-Webber?

00:13:22No, you're fine, Mr. Bottle

00:13:24Just a little bang on your head

00:13:25And one severely singed testicle

00:13:28You'll be out of here in the morning

00:13:29Don't you worry, sir

00:13:30I had a friend who had both his legs

00:13:31Brown off

00:13:31And he was up and walking around

00:13:32In a fortnight

00:13:33Is that true, Kev?

00:13:34Not exactly, sir

00:13:38Right

00:13:39Now you just rest

00:13:40And tomorrow your friend can make you up

00:13:41Thank you, sister

00:13:52Thanks for sticking with me last night

00:13:55I'm sorry, sir

00:13:56I didn't nickname me Sticky Keppel for nothing

00:13:59Your nickname was Sticky Keppel?

00:14:01No, sir, it wasn't

00:14:02They don't go in for nicknames in the Navy

00:14:09I didn't know you were in the Navy, Keppel

00:14:12I wasn't, sir

00:14:13Can't stand the sea

00:14:15However, be that as it may

00:14:16If you ever need anything

00:14:17You just call

00:14:18And I'll be up there faster

00:14:19Than a poker-up-a-pervert

00:14:23Indeed

00:14:26Anchors away, sir

00:14:27I'll be up there

00:14:30I'll be up there

00:14:53I'll be up there

00:14:57Come on.

00:15:51Oh, my God, you're a maniac.

00:15:53Oh, my God, you're a maniac.

00:15:55Oh, my God, you're a maniac.

00:15:57Oh, my God!

00:16:00Oh, my God!

00:16:07Get out of here!

00:16:09Campbell, Campbell, save me!

00:16:29There's nothing there to steal.

00:16:31My bloody government is going to take the Lord.

00:16:41Oh, lox and mercy, I wish you could speak English.

00:16:43I can't.

00:16:44You can't?

00:16:45Yes, your wish is my command.

00:16:47Now, beware, O short one.

00:16:48You smell of peppermint, and it is time to die.

00:16:55Sorry?

00:16:56You smell of peppermint.

00:16:57No, no, before that.

00:16:58Beware, O short one.

00:17:00No, no, no, no, further back, right at the top.

00:17:04Unfortunately, your wish is my command.

00:17:06Okay.

00:17:06Then I wish you'd stop trying to kill me.

00:17:09Damn.

00:17:18Okay.

00:17:18What a story, Abdul.

00:17:20How the blooming hell did you get into my house?

00:17:22I was in the blooming lamp.

00:17:24Yes, very likely.

00:17:25And how do large transvestites get inside lamps these days?

00:17:28A blooming wizard did it and made me into a blooming genie without so much as a blooming

00:17:32by your lead.

00:17:34I'm dealing with a madman.

00:17:36Starman!

00:17:37This is one of these really scary Bulgarian poison-tipped umbrellas.

00:17:40One trick is fatal.

00:17:43I'm going to ring the police.

00:17:45Damn, I wish there was a phone in here.

00:17:51Have you just injected LSD into my bottom?

00:17:53Look, I've explained this.

00:17:55I'm a genie.

00:17:56Oh, come off it, mate.

00:17:57Who's ever heard of genies?

00:17:59Well, you, obviously.

00:18:00Look, we're like ghosts and dragons and unicorns.

00:18:02You don't think they exist until you meet them.

00:18:04So all I have to do is wish?

00:18:06As far as I know, the training for this stupid job is practically non-existent.

00:18:09Well, you better get your next alibi ready pretty quickly.

00:18:12Because I wish this chair was Melvin Bragg.

00:18:18I wish it wasn't.

00:18:22Sorry, Melvin.

00:18:24Lord in heaven, you mean...

00:18:28So, for instance, if I were to wish my pockets were full of money...

00:18:38Oh, my God.

00:18:47Oh, Kevin, I'm worried about Bernard.

00:18:50Yeah, I'm worried about him too, baby.

00:18:52This guy's my best friend.

00:18:53I'd do anything not to hurt him.

00:19:01I know.

00:19:03I know.

00:19:04But you know, baby, Bernard's always lived in a bit of a dream world.

00:19:08I mean, I love this man.

00:19:10He looked like a turnip.

00:19:12If what you say is true, he had all the sexual skills of a small Dutch cheese.

00:19:16Well, a medium-sized Dutch cheese.

00:19:18And yet he still thought he could go out with a goddess like you.

00:19:21The fact is that sometime Bernard's got to come down to earth.

00:19:25Got to realize that it's a tough dog-stabs-dog-in-the-back-and-then-eats-dog world.

00:19:30We're doing him a favor.

00:19:32The sooner Bernie faces up to reality, the better.

00:19:39So, all I have to do is wish.

00:19:41As far as I know.

00:19:43Wish my mum could see me now.

00:19:45Hello, Bernard.

00:19:47Are you feeding yourself properly?

00:19:49And what a condition this place is in!

00:19:53Second thoughts.

00:19:54No offence, Mum.

00:19:54I wish you couldn't.

00:20:00I have to be very careful.

00:20:02Don't I?

00:20:04Yes.

00:20:05Say the words I wish with the caution you would normally reserve for.

00:20:08Please castrate me.

00:20:10Yes.

00:20:11This could be brilliant.

00:20:13But I think we should sort out just exactly how it's going to work.

00:20:19Hmm.

00:20:21Things must have changed somewhat since you were last...

00:20:24...out.

00:20:25I bet.

00:20:26So tell me, how's old Caesar?

00:20:28Caesar?

00:20:29Yes, the emperor.

00:20:32Uh, well, you see, he's dead.

00:20:33No, what happened?

00:20:34He was stabbed in the capital.

00:20:36God, so who's in charge now? Brutus?

00:20:38No, he's dead too.

00:20:40Wow, a real massacre.

00:20:41Yeah.

00:20:44Look, um...

00:20:47There's something I think I ought to explain.

00:20:50You see, you've obviously been inside the lamp slightly longer than you think.

00:20:55How long?

00:20:56Well, give or take a day or two.

00:20:59Two thousand years.

00:21:01No.

00:21:02Two thousand years?

00:21:04Most of my friends will be dead.

00:21:07All the things are more likely, yes?

00:21:09Yes, and my girlfriend, my mother, my father, my sister.

00:21:15The kittens.

00:21:18Wow.

00:21:20I'm very sorry.

00:21:22No, no, I'm the one who should be sorry.

00:21:25The last thing you need around the place is a gloomy genie.

00:21:28Go ahead, make some wishes. Go ahead. I'll be fine.

00:21:31Oh, no, for heaven's sake.

00:21:34I know how you feel.

00:21:38My life hasn't been too rosy recently either.

00:21:42Getting teased a lot about this stupid haircut?

00:21:45No.

00:21:46Everything else has been pretty crappy.

00:21:48I just got sacked and then found out that my fiancée was sleeping with my best friend.

00:21:53Do you wish me to kill them?

00:21:55Um, no, that's not really the way we do things any longer.

00:21:58Well, how do you deal with your enemies these days?

00:22:01Well, um, we kind of don't see them.

00:22:03You know, sort of, spurn them, spurn them.

00:22:06Um, then the odd nasty look kind of, uh, sarcastic remark.

00:22:09And then we, uh, kind of encourage other friends, you know, not to see them.

00:22:13And to be a bit sarcastic too.

00:22:16That's it?

00:22:18So it's not all progress then?

00:22:22Still, don't get too depressed.

00:22:23Look on the bright side.

00:22:24Your fiancée is buried in the arms of your best friend.

00:22:28Mine is buried in an artichoke patch in Jerusalem.

00:22:30Good point.

00:22:35I know.

00:22:36I wish you weren't so depressed.

00:22:41No, it doesn't work.

00:22:43You can't change people's feelings with wishes.

00:22:47Oh dear.

00:22:50We're made in trouble, aren't we?

00:22:53We're made in trouble, aren't we?

00:23:14We're made in trouble, aren't we?

00:23:18How does a hamburger grab you?

00:23:20A what?

00:23:21Oh, well, it's, um, two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun.

00:23:30Mmm.

00:23:31I might take out the pickles.

00:23:32You might be the first.

00:23:33I wish we had two Big Macs.

00:23:36I will try.

00:23:39Um, take it out of the box first.

00:23:44Everybody dead.

00:23:46All I ever wanted was to get out of the lamp.

00:23:50Now, I almost wish I hadn't.

00:23:57On the other hand, bite my beetroot! That is fantastic!

00:24:02You get the right price. You can sell hundreds of these.

00:24:06Well, they do sell quite a few.

00:24:08There's a difference about this. People will enjoy.

00:24:11Even the pickles are nice.

00:24:14Something wrong?

00:24:15You know something unbelievably right.

00:24:18My ears want to mate with this music and have its children.

00:24:20Tell me.

00:24:21Who is this guy, Bernie?

00:24:23It's a chap called Motor Shark.

00:24:24This is my kind of guy. Incredible!

00:24:27This new music is great.

00:24:29That isn't modern music.

00:24:31This is.

00:24:32That is fantastic!

00:24:35Make me with a mango!

00:24:37All right!

00:24:39Tell me, Bernie.

00:24:40What colour is this guy?

00:24:41Black.

00:24:42Thought so.

00:24:48Ah!

00:24:48Girls!

00:24:49Girls!

00:24:50Enter ye!

00:24:51Enter ye!

00:24:55Sit ye!

00:24:56Sit ye!

00:24:58Now, as you probably heard,

00:25:01Mr. Bottle left us yesterday.

00:25:03And I've been worrying about it.

00:25:06Do either of you think I was a little harsh on him?

00:25:09Well, sir,

00:25:10I think perhaps you might have given him a warning.

00:25:14Good.

00:25:15Good.

00:25:16You're fired.

00:25:18I want you out of here in two minutes,

00:25:20you disastrously faded old crone.

00:25:24Exit ye!

00:25:25Exit ye!

00:25:34Exit ye!

00:25:37Now, Miss Purse.

00:25:39No pressure.

00:25:41Just old friends talking.

00:25:44Just bosom buddies bantering.

00:25:49Any opinions on the Bottle scenario?

00:25:52Inspired move, sir.

00:25:56But I have, as I said,

00:25:58been worrying.

00:26:00Because Bottle had a list

00:26:02of some other priceless paintings.

00:26:05And I want it back.

00:26:07I want you to search his office,

00:26:09and if it isn't there,

00:26:10we'll just have to go to where he lives and steal it.

00:26:14I shall start looking immediately, sir.

00:26:17Good.

00:26:18No pressure, you understand?

00:26:20No pressure.

00:26:21Although, for the moment,

00:26:22I'll just put your Christmas bonus on hold.

00:26:26Yes, sir.

00:26:28Thank ye.

00:26:29Thank ye.

00:26:32Oh, by the way, Miss Purse,

00:26:34I was joking about the Christmas bonus.

00:26:38Oh, thank you, sir.

00:26:41You weren't getting one anyway.

00:26:46Who do you think I am?

00:26:47Felicity Kendall?

00:26:50If you want money, work for it.

00:26:52I did.

00:26:54And I won't let any little creep take it from me.

00:27:00So, I really can have absolutely anything.

00:27:04Yep.

00:27:06Okay.

00:27:08Well, for a start,

00:27:09let's brighten up this flat a bit.

00:27:13Ah.

00:27:16Ah.

00:27:21Unbelievable.

00:27:25Okay, I wish I had the Mona Lisa on that wall.

00:27:30Oh, my God.

00:27:36Cute chick.

00:27:37Bit of a smudge around the mouth, though.

00:27:39Here, let me sort that out.

00:27:40No, no, no.

00:27:41First leave, I think.

00:27:45Unbelievable.

00:27:46Fantastic.

00:27:46Yeah, bit of a tease, though, eh?

00:27:48Yeah, I could just stay here all night just staring at her.

00:27:58Oh, look, sorry.

00:28:00I'm not being a very good host, am I?

00:28:02You'd probably like to take a look round.

00:28:04Good idea.

00:28:05Ah, yes.

00:28:07Things have changed quite a lot in the last thousand years.

00:28:09I'll say.

00:28:09For instance, in my day, this would have made an attractive hat.

00:28:13Look, I'll take you round town if you like.

00:28:15Excellent.

00:28:18That's the only thing is that, after all that business at work, I don't actually have any

00:28:21transport.

00:28:29Ah, smudge, here we come.

00:28:31Woo!

00:28:33I think it's fair to say that the people from Allied Carpers will be genuinely surprised by this.

00:28:38The real skill, of course, is in the landing.

00:28:50And I think I need a little more practice.

00:28:54Look, before we go any further, I think we should do something about the clothes.

00:28:58What? You cannot get hotter than this.

00:29:00Chicks see this stuff and die.

00:29:02Yes, I'm sure.

00:29:03I just wish we had the modern equivalent.

00:29:06Yes, now that's a lot better.

00:29:13I feel fantastic.

00:29:17And I look it, too.

00:29:20You are cute.

00:29:35I must say, I don't normally come here.

00:29:37It's got rather dirty recently.

00:29:39You call this dirty?

00:29:40Where I come from, you go out shopping, you come back with leprosy.

00:29:43People used to urinate on their vegetables to give it that early morning, dewy, fresh look.

00:29:47This is the cleanest place I've ever seen in my whole life.

00:29:50Let's boogie.

00:29:51Teens, teens, teens.

00:29:53It's not your face.

00:29:55Teens, teens, teens.

00:29:57What's in these steps?

00:29:59Teens, teens, teens.

00:29:59He's the greatest dream that evolved.

00:30:03Teens, teens.

00:30:22Ah, delicious. I'm glad dog meat is still popular.

00:30:48Get him, Arnie! He's an alien and he's killing absolutely everyone! Get him!

00:30:59Hasta la vista, baby! That was unbelievable! Those people were huge! Tell me, where do they all live?

00:31:06Most of them are in Los Angeles. That's the place for me. That woman's breasts were 60 feet high!

00:31:12Thank you. Which flavor would you like?

00:31:20That one! This is great, Bernie. In my country, there's only one type of dessert and it tastes disgusting!

00:31:30Oh my God! Take out my eyeballs and fry them in ginger! That is unbelievable! Here, hold that.

00:31:39Hey! Everybody! Come in here! This stuff is brilliant! It's really cold and it tastes completely of strawberries! It's wonderful!

00:31:47People try that. There's nothing special to them anymore. You're crazy! I think I'll try a few more flavors.

00:31:57Bernie, it's great to be here. Let's go.

00:32:22How do you feel? A bit sick, actually, but it's okay. I haven't had a stomach ache for 2,000

00:32:28years. It's like the return of an old friend.

00:32:31Mr. Beardy, again! Is he like emperor here or something? No, no, it's Christmas, which is a kind of holiday

00:32:37we have at this time of year.

00:32:39And the chap in the beard goes around with his flying reindeer and then comes down the chimneys and gives

00:32:43children presents.

00:32:43Wow! And what do you want for Christmas? A car and a train and three Nintendos! Yes, and a pencil's

00:32:53also nice, isn't it? Yes.

00:32:56Except he doesn't, in fact, come down chimneys. And it isn't actually him who gives the presents.

00:33:02Do the reindeer really fly? I think not.

00:33:06Mr. Beardy is beginning to sound like a bit of a non-event.

00:33:11Yes, Christmas isn't what it used to be.

00:33:13It sounds just real funny.

00:33:16Now it's just the time that kids learn to live with disappointments.

00:33:19Ah, speaking of which, I'm a bit disappointed that we haven't eaten anything for a while.

00:33:23It's been a good, ooh, 20 minutes since my last full meal.

00:33:25Your wish is my command.

00:33:38Well, I've sucked on some pretty wonderful things, Bernie, but that takes the biscuit.

00:33:43You and I are going to be a wonderful partnership. I can see it now.

00:33:45But, you know, there's more to me than fantastic pants. I'm going to find you a woman.

00:33:50Oh, no.

00:33:50Starting right now.

00:33:52Okay, now those two over there are definitely out.

00:33:56A bit wrinkly.

00:33:57And she is pretty cute.

00:33:59Okay, she's a bit older than you, but if she shakes her booty the way she shakes her milk.

00:34:05On the other hand...

00:34:07Oh, no, please.

00:34:08Ah, you like the look of her?

00:34:10Well...

00:34:10Leave it to me.

00:34:11I'm pretty experienced at this kind of thing.

00:34:17Oh, thank God it's mere closing time. We're running out of pencils.

00:34:20Close.

00:34:24Good evening.

00:34:26Oh, hello.

00:34:27Good day to hear.

00:34:28Oh, thank you very much.

00:34:29Myself and my friend with the very unfortunate hair, but he's very fertile and has a large inheritance.

00:34:35Couldn't help noticing the splendid work you were doing with the children.

00:34:38Oh, thanks.

00:34:39It's her, actually.

00:34:40Santa drinks like a fish and these hot pants were tailor-made for Bonnie Langford.

00:34:44Indeed.

00:34:45Would you care to join us for a shake of milk?

00:34:47Or perhaps you'd like me to organize something more formal where your parents were involved?

00:34:51No.

00:34:52No, I'll just have a cup of coffee and fly.

00:34:54What a coincidence!

00:34:55We're flying too!

00:34:56Is that right?

00:34:56Yes!

00:34:58Could you hang on for just one second, please?

00:35:00Certainly.

00:35:02Actually, you'd better make that two coffees.

00:35:04Santa keeps on dozing off over the children.

00:35:07It's going very well.

00:35:08She says her pants are hot.

00:35:09She wants your body and she wants it now.

00:35:11She doesn't know it.

00:35:12She does.

00:35:13A little more negotiation and the match will be made.

00:35:15Depending, of course, on proof of childbearing capability.

00:35:18So, is that your flying carpet then?

00:35:20Yes, it is.

00:35:21Would you fancy a ride?

00:35:22Oh, no.

00:35:22That A&D can get very jealous if I use alternative needs of transfer.

00:35:29Very amusing.

00:35:30Now, down to business.

00:35:31Obviously, the question of the dowry raised its ugly head.

00:35:35I'm sorry.

00:35:35He's not from right here.

00:35:37No.

00:35:37I sort of guessed that.

00:35:39I think your hair's quite nice.

00:35:41Bye.

00:35:48It's a dead set.

00:35:49I can see it now.

00:35:50The loving relatives.

00:35:52The priest.

00:35:52The staggeringly attractive best man.

00:35:54The shagged out bridesmaids.

00:35:57No.

00:35:58Somebody like that would never fancy me.

00:36:00Of course you would.

00:36:01All we have to do is sex you up a bit.

00:36:04Like how?

00:36:05Well, if you don't mind my saying so, Bernie, you are a bit neat.

00:36:07What you need is that rough look.

00:36:09You need to be given that sexy unshaven thing.

00:36:12You mean scruffy?

00:36:14Scruffy can be sexy.

00:36:16Okay.

00:36:17I wish I looked like Bob Geldof.

00:36:19Oh my god.

00:36:21What do you think, eh?

00:36:22Certain rugged charm?

00:36:23Might be one way of putting it.

00:36:24A total blooming mess might be another.

00:36:26And I'm so damn cheeky.

00:36:28Isn't that me?

00:36:29Oh, Bernie, I liked you the way you were.

00:36:32Let's have a look.

00:36:33Bloody hell, you're right.

00:36:35This voice is getting on my nerves as well.

00:36:37I wish it was me again.

00:36:40Mr. Cute, that's my boy.

00:36:43Welcome back.

00:36:45What's next?

00:36:46Well, I thought we could go back home and check out Mona.

00:36:50Brilliant idea.

00:36:51Although, I have an even more brilliant one.

00:36:53Why don't you go home and check out Mona, and I'll go and check out those 60 foot breasts again.

00:36:59Are you sure you'll be all right without me?

00:37:01Of course.

00:37:01More importantly, will you be all right without me?

00:37:04Oh, yes.

00:37:04Up to you, Dr. Stinkley.

00:37:05Good.

00:37:07Happy days are here again.

00:37:08Whoo!

00:37:38We're slim, Hmmm, How am I?

00:37:49Whale.

00:37:53Who would you have?

00:37:54Well, you know what?

00:37:54Who nice, dude.

00:37:54Let's go.

00:37:54Damn.uary

00:38:00on the bus lane on his car. We will

00:38:02leave. Look.

00:38:02Huh?

00:38:09I'm sorry.

00:38:12Oh, I, I, I...

00:38:14We'll take that, if you don't mind.

00:38:16We don't want anyone else brutally assaulted, do we?

00:38:21Send me some assistance, Alan.

00:38:24But can I ask you why you're here?

00:38:26Is there something wrong?

00:38:28Yes, well, as a matter of fact, there is, Mr. Bottle.

00:38:31Well, you're about to be accused of...

00:38:35Grand theft.

00:38:38Hello, sir.

00:38:40What are you doing here?

00:38:42Well, I just thought I'd pop round for a little Christmas drinkie with my old pal, Bernie.

00:38:48And I discover this list of priceless paintings that you stole from our office.

00:38:55Then I happened to inspect the walls and discovered this, dear lady.

00:39:02Do you recognise that picture, Mr. Bottle, hmm?

00:39:04Oh, yes, of course I do.

00:39:05It was stolen from the Louvre earlier today.

00:39:09It is a magnificent work, isn't it?

00:39:12No matter how much time passes, one can never quite get over the wonder of that smile.

00:39:18And somehow it seems to have made its way here.

00:39:21Yes, well, I think I can explain that.

00:39:23Yes?

00:39:23Yes.

00:39:24Yes.

00:39:26Yes.

00:39:27Well, um, you see, the thing is, there's this lamp.

00:39:33Um, well, on second thoughts, I think I can't explain it.

00:39:40I wish it wasn't here.

00:39:47I wish it wasn't here.

00:39:53Good shot, Bobby.

00:39:54I wish it wasn't here.

00:39:57Well, I'm afraid it is.

00:39:59You're coming with us.

00:40:01Oh.

00:40:03Excuse me if I don't keep you company, gentlemen.

00:40:06Christmas bash at number ten.

00:40:08Don't want to keep poor Johnny and dear Norma waiting.

00:40:12As for you, what can I say?

00:40:15Oh, God rest ye, Mary.

00:40:18God rest ye.

00:40:19I don't mean to be cruel, don't mean to be rude.

00:40:24But Mr. Success is Mr. Totally Swoost.

00:40:29Life can be tough, life can be unfair.

00:40:34He's off to meet Mr. Electric Chair.

00:40:39Don't you worry, sir.

00:40:40I was once arrested for murder and sentenced to death by hanging.

00:40:45Is that right, Keppel?

00:40:46Oh, yes.

00:40:47He tried to appeal, but the High Court threw it out.

00:40:49I was caught red-handed, you see, sir.

00:40:51Smoking gun in the victim's mouth.

00:40:53So there I was.

00:40:54Noose round the neck.

00:40:55Padre in attendance.

00:40:57Mother in tears.

00:40:58No hope in sight.

00:41:06And?

00:41:06Oh, it all turned out all right in here, sir.

00:41:09Just a few of the lads larking about.

00:41:13Thank you, Keppel.

00:41:25Peaks.

00:41:41All right.

00:41:45Eh?

00:41:47Bottle. Bernard.

00:41:51Crime?

00:41:52Grand theft.

00:41:53And murder of a police officer.

00:41:56Really?

00:41:58Yes.

00:41:59I wonder if he's guilty.

00:42:01It's a tricky one.

00:42:03The Mona Lisa hanging in his front room

00:42:05and three witnesses who saw him clubbing his victim to death.

00:42:08Do you know something, Alan? You're right.

00:42:11It's one of those ones juries really agonize over.

00:42:22All said and done. Not a good day.

00:42:28Make one phone call.

00:42:30Might I recommend a priest?

00:42:32Either that or a publisher.

00:42:34I believe tales from death row are always big sellers.

00:42:44Please be at that. Please be at that.

00:42:46Please be at that.

00:42:47And the answer to

00:42:49All my dreams

00:42:53You're my friend

00:43:08You're my friend

00:43:09You're my friend

00:43:24I got the Dr.

00:43:39Josephus?

00:43:40Josephus?

00:43:43Hello?

00:44:05We're dealing with highly trained villains, sir.

00:44:08The first five times, there's no reply.

00:44:10Then twice, the phone's picked up but put down straight away.

00:44:13Textbook stuff.

00:44:15Brilliant work, Parker.

00:44:17Obviously, the accomplice has returned to the flat.

00:44:19We got them by the shortened painfuls.

00:44:22They're doomed, Parker.

00:44:23Doomed, sir.

00:44:25Doomed.

00:44:32Said, well, when we have none, ours is three, Bell.

00:44:37I'll come back when you have none.

00:44:39Fair enough.

00:44:40I'll come back when you have none.

00:44:42No gags like the old gags, eh, Frankie?

00:44:46Hi, guys.

00:44:47Can I help?

00:44:47You're lucky to come with us, Sunshine.

00:44:49Certainly.

00:44:51You know, he's really tiny but very funny.

00:44:53Love the uniform.

00:44:54Kinky.

00:44:54Cool.

00:44:56Spread them.

00:44:57Mmm, I was right.

00:44:59Very kinky.

00:45:01Don't try and be funny.

00:45:04Mmm, tasty.

00:45:06Thank you for the bracelet, but do you think it goes with the pendant?

00:45:11Can I just say before I answer that, that that is an absolutely splendid beard, although it might be more

00:45:17useful if you wore it on top of your head.

00:45:19Just ignore him.

00:45:20He's a smart-ass.

00:45:22Josephus.

00:45:35Get in there, smart-ass.

00:45:38Anything you say, smart uniform?

00:45:41Barney, my oldest news, pal.

00:45:44Where have you been?

00:45:45Here.

00:45:46Funny choice.

00:45:47Steal it.

00:45:47He'll have a certain kooky charm.

00:45:50Colorful toilet, and those guys out there are fun.

00:45:52It's not a choice.

00:45:53We are in real trouble.

00:45:55I could spend the rest of my life in prison, you know.

00:45:57It's no joke.

00:45:58No joke?

00:46:00Not amusing?

00:46:05What happened?

00:46:06Oh, God, it's too depressing to explain.

00:46:10Even with a genie, I'm a disaster.

00:46:15When I got home last night, they arrested me for nicking the Mona Lisa.

00:46:21The only girlfriend I'll ever get now will be six foot two with a full beard.

00:46:25Sounds okay to me.

00:46:27Oh, come on, be serious.

00:46:29I killed a policeman.

00:46:34God, poor bastard.

00:46:37And his family.

00:46:39I mean, he leaves home at 9 a.m. in a panda car, comes back home at midnight in a

00:46:43plastic bag,

00:46:44murdered by an ex-art dealer with a scimitar.

00:46:48Oh, dear.

00:46:50If only I'd been there.

00:46:53I wish you had.

00:47:04You can do that.

00:47:05For you, anything.

00:47:09Ouch.

00:47:10Ouch.

00:47:12Ah.

00:47:13Good evening, officers.

00:47:15Good evening, Mr. Bottle.

00:47:18Hi.

00:47:19Sorry, is there something wrong?

00:47:21Yes, well, as a matter of fact, there is Mr. Bottle.

00:47:24You're just about to be accused of...

00:47:29Grand theft.

00:47:30Hello, sir.

00:47:31What are you doing here?

00:47:33Well, I just thought I'd pop around and have a little drink here with my old pal, Bernie.

00:47:37And I discover this list of priceless paintings that you stole from our office.

00:47:44Then I happened to inspect the walls and discovered this, dear lady.

00:47:50Oh, yes, Kylie, my absolute favourite.

00:47:52Wait a minute.

00:47:53What's going on here?

00:47:54You told us it was the Mona Lisa.

00:47:56Well, yes, it was the Mona Lisa.

00:47:58I like this chick better.

00:47:59Yes, it's a fabulous work.

00:48:01And no matter how much time passes, one still can't quite get over the wonder of that smile.

00:48:08Hello?

00:48:10That's all.

00:48:10That's what it's for.

00:48:12What?

00:48:18Apparently, the painting's been returned.

00:48:20What do you mean, returned?

00:48:21It's back in the Louvre.

00:48:24I think we owe these people an apology.

00:48:26Mr. Bottle and Mr....

00:48:29Smartass.

00:48:31Yes.

00:48:32Um, sorry to disturb you, Mr. Smartass.

00:48:37We'll be off now.

00:48:39Thank God for that.

00:48:40I can't think of anything we'd like to do less than hang around with scum like you.

00:48:45Come again, sunshine.

00:48:47Yes.

00:48:48You are obviously a slime bag and living proof that man is directly related to this slug.

00:48:52And your face looked familiar when I first saw it.

00:48:54And now I remember seeing something very similar whilst washing down the hindquarters of a camel.

00:48:59You what?

00:48:59And you are a very large turd in a horrible pink shirt.

00:49:04I beg your bloody pardon.

00:49:10Do you wish I'd never said any of that?

00:49:14Yes, I do.

00:49:43Well, goodbye, gentlemen.

00:49:45It's nice to meet you.

00:49:45Certainly.

00:49:46Thank you, Bottle.

00:49:48Thank you, sir.

00:49:49Bye, Flower.

00:49:59My friend!

00:50:00I suspect it is going to be a very merry Christmas.

00:50:05Have you seen my toothbrush?

00:50:11No.

00:50:22I put this in the water, yes?

00:50:25Yes, not too much, though.

00:50:27How much is too much?

00:50:28Well, just put in a drop.

00:50:40I think it's too late.

00:50:41Look to the future now.

00:50:45It's only just because...

00:50:52Are you waiting for the family to arrive?

00:50:59Are you sure you've got the room to spare inside?

00:51:04How many of you are?

00:51:22Yeah.

00:51:22How many of you do?

00:51:39What can we get into?

00:51:42Let it seize your mark of Christmas at first.

00:51:46Ah, so here it is, Merry Christmas.

00:51:54Everybody's having fun.

00:51:57It's a reason I let it go.

00:52:04Ready?

00:52:05Yeah, let's rock.

00:52:19So, tell me about this Christmas thing.

00:52:21Well, it's become a very big commercial thing in recent times.

00:52:25Oh, I like commercial. I like commercials.

00:52:27Fly fishing.

00:52:28By J.R. Hartley.

00:52:29Yeah, but originally it was supposed to celebrate the birth of this chap called Jesus Christ,

00:52:33who was born, well, about 2,000 years ago.

00:52:36Jesus, you say?

00:52:38Yes.

00:52:39But I knew this guy.

00:52:41You did not.

00:52:43I did. Well, what did he do to get so famous?

00:52:45Well, he turned out to be the son of God.

00:52:46No, I thought he was kidding.

00:52:48No, true blue.

00:52:52Damn it.

00:52:53I knew there was something special about him from the moment I first met him.

00:52:57You met him?

00:52:57Of course.

00:52:58He helped out with the wine at my brother's wedding.

00:53:04Wait a minute, sir.

00:53:06You were at the wedding at Cana?

00:53:07Well, I think so.

00:53:08Although, by the end of it, I was so completely legless, I can't be sure.

00:53:13This is so bizarre.

00:53:14I told him, you could be a big money spinner, but oh no, goody two shoes was having none of

00:53:18it.

00:53:19One night, we're on the boat.

00:53:21He walks on water.

00:53:24You were there.

00:53:27One day, 5,000 people came out to see him talk, and they didn't have any food.

00:53:31So, guess what he did?

00:53:32He produced loaves and fishes for them all.

00:53:34Yes.

00:53:35I said, let's open a restaurant right now.

00:53:38We'll call it Something Fishy.

00:53:39But he didn't like the name.

00:53:42Anyway, happy birthday, Big Jay.

00:53:44A crap businessman, but a great human being.

00:53:46To Big Jay.

00:53:47Big Jay.

00:53:51Well, tell me, what happened to him?

00:53:53Well, he's crucified.

00:53:57You're kidding.

00:53:58They've not.

00:54:00There's no need for that.

00:54:03This is a wonderful guy.

00:54:06But being the son of God, he came back to life again.

00:54:09Oh great, is he still alive?

00:54:10Not really, no.

00:54:11You see, he rose up into heaven.

00:54:13Lucky for you, Jesus was not keen on people making money out of religion.

00:54:18One day I was in the temple when they tried to turn it into a supermarket.

00:54:21Jesus went in there and kicked the ass.

00:54:23Like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

00:54:25Yes, but with smaller pectorals.

00:54:27Yeah, well, unfortunately, it seems the big money people are taking over.

00:54:31Well, it's time for the no money people to strike back.

00:54:33Let's make some wishes for Big Jay his way.

00:54:36You're the boss.

00:54:36Let's do it.

00:54:47Let's do it.

00:54:50Let's do it.

00:54:52Let's do it.

00:55:02Let's do it.

00:55:05Well I'm going to take me.

00:55:11Let's do it.

00:55:15Let's take him.

00:55:27Let's do it.

00:55:30Merry Christmas!

00:55:34Look, Mommy!

00:55:42Look, Mommy, look what I've got!

00:55:53Mommy, look!

00:55:55Merry Christmas!

00:55:56Oh, you too!

00:56:00What about you? Do you fancy him as well?

00:56:11So, what did you wish for?

00:56:14No.

00:56:18What was that?

00:56:19Don't worry, Bernie, it was just a warning.

00:56:21Now, what about you?

00:56:22What would you like for Christmas?

00:56:24Well, I have had one or two little thoughts.

00:56:26Ah, good!

00:56:28Little Woods have announced their largest ever pools winner.

00:56:32Mr. Frank Keppel, a doorman in Wandsworth, has won three million pounds.

00:56:38Today, he said, it won't change his life.

00:56:41No, you see, this is in fact the fourth time I have won the three million pound prize.

00:56:45No, I don't believe it!

00:56:51Oh dear, the lifter's stuck.

00:56:53He's never done that before.

00:56:54Exactly.

00:56:56And in Battersea tonight, the cracking of a major drugs ring.

00:56:59Kevin Bell, the city financier, was found with 30 pounds of marijuana stored under his bed.

00:57:06Look, it's a plant!

00:57:07I think you'll find it's a hundred plants, actually.

00:57:10More like a thousand.

00:57:11Well, if it was all there, why did he ever give her yet?

00:57:14Tragic.

00:57:15Very terrible.

00:57:16And they look such a nice couple.

00:57:18And finally, a charming Christmas story.

00:57:20This evening, the Queen received an unexpected letter at Buckingham Palace.

00:57:24It included a check from arts dealer Charles Pinkworth, donating a hundred million pounds to Christmas charities.

00:57:31We went down to the house where a grateful crowd has gathered.

00:57:38Mr. Charles Pinkworth?

00:57:42Yes?

00:57:43What made you make this extraordinarily generous gesture?

00:57:47What gesture?

00:57:48A hundred million pounds!

00:57:50The hundred million pound check to the Queen.

00:57:53Repeat ye.

00:57:55Buckingham Palace apparently has received a one hundred million pound charity check from you.

00:58:02You've become a national hero because of your generosity.

00:58:06Have I?

00:58:07And knighthood is surely on its way.

00:58:09I wish it wasn't on its way.

00:58:11Is it?

00:58:12No, no, apparently it's not.

00:58:15But please tell the nation what your motives were.

00:58:18Fifty million people want to know.

00:58:20How is this?

00:58:22Well, Christmas is very much a time for giving and I thought it was about time that somebody from the

00:58:31commercial sector put their money where their mouth was and gave their entire fortune away to the needy.

00:58:41The fortune for which he has worked for twenty-five bloody years.

00:59:10And what a wonderful story that is.

00:59:12Now the Christmas weather.

00:59:14And for the first time in fifteen years, deep, deep snow.

00:59:19From all of us here, goodbye and a very merry Christmas.

00:59:27Well, that's it, isn't it?

00:59:28Uh, not quite.

00:59:33Excuse me, please.

00:59:40Ah, snack time.

00:59:43A little light refreshment.

00:59:50So, what do you want for Christmas, George Freshman?

00:59:52Oh, new pair of pants.

00:59:55Oh, new pair of pants.

00:59:55What have you liked?

00:59:56Chicken tandoori flavored toothpaste.

00:59:58Oh, come on.

00:59:59You know, when we first met, I was the most wretched bloke in the whole world.

01:00:05Except maybe for that guy who was married to Esther Anson.

01:00:08Maybe him.

01:00:10But now, you know, I'm as happy as Michelle Pfeiffer's underpants.

01:00:16And I'd like to give you something fab for Christmas.

01:00:20Well, there is something, Bernard.

01:00:22Mm-hmm.

01:00:23But it's blooming hard to ask for.

01:00:24Well, just you ask away.

01:00:25Whatever it is, it's yours.

01:00:30I want to go home.

01:00:35See, I like it here.

01:00:38I love little Frank Carson and I love big Kevin Costner.

01:00:42I love post-it notes.

01:00:46I love you.

01:00:49But I miss things.

01:00:52I miss my family.

01:00:55I don't have anybody to write Christmas cards to.

01:00:59I miss my fiancée.

01:01:02I miss Eggbird and Pee Wee.

01:01:04The kittens.

01:01:05The kittens.

01:01:08And no one stir-fries rabbit droppings like my mum does.

01:01:12Yes.

01:01:13Yes, well, people rather seem to have lost an act there.

01:01:18Oh dear.

01:01:20Yes.

01:01:21Well.

01:01:23Surely.

01:01:25And there's another thing.

01:01:26If I could just get the recipe for these 100% beef patty things.

01:01:29You could make a bob or two.

01:01:30Exactly.

01:01:31And if I could memorize the songs by Mr. Barry White.

01:01:33I could snog every babe in a Yashmak from Mount Hebron to the Red Sea.

01:01:37We got it together, didn't we?

01:01:39Sure, sure.

01:01:40I understand.

01:01:45You should go.

01:01:49But first, there's one thing I'd like to try.

01:01:53Don't be nervous, Manny.

01:01:55Don't worry, I've got you.

01:02:01That's where I was born.

01:02:16That was a fabulous tour, Bernie.

01:02:19Rome wasn't quite as big as I expected it to be.

01:02:22But New York.

01:02:23Wow, that was fantastic.

01:02:24Yeah, the Americans have put a lot of work into it.

01:02:28Tell me, why there are no tall buildings in Beirut?

01:02:31That's a long story.

01:02:33Take me home, James.

01:02:41I can't believe you wished for this stuff.

01:02:43It's bloody freezing.

01:03:09Well, here we go.

01:03:12Goodbye.

01:03:15You got it, big funky dude?

01:03:21I'd like to say I'd call, but the phone system in first century Palestine

01:03:24is absolute crap.

01:03:28Okay.

01:03:31Are you sure you got enough stuff?

01:03:33I think so.

01:03:37Look, um, if you bump into Jesus,

01:03:41tell him to keep an eye on Judas.

01:03:42He's a nasty piece of work.

01:03:45Okay.

01:03:47I have a present for you.

01:03:49Take it from me.

01:03:50It may not look like much, but it may come in handy when I leave.

01:03:54Okay, fine, thanks.

01:03:59And when you're looking through that old Bible...

01:04:01Bible?

01:04:02Whatever.

01:04:03And it says,

01:04:04the multitude gathered.

01:04:07Remember,

01:04:09one of them is a close personal friend of yours.

01:04:12Oh, this is getting far too emotional.

01:04:15I wish you'd just go.

01:04:16No way.

01:04:18I wish...

01:04:19I wish...

01:04:22I wish...

01:04:42Merry Christmas.

01:04:49So what do you want for Christmas?

01:05:01and we're going to live.

01:05:05I might not have a chance.

01:05:08we might not have a chance in class.

01:05:09But if we have a chance to give my rent,

01:05:10it's time to give up sometimes.

01:05:10And i'm going to give up.

01:05:37Let's go.

01:05:40The person who is in the heart is a woman,

01:05:42and she is a woman, and she is a woman.

01:05:45If you are not a woman,

01:05:47we will not be able to get married.

01:05:52We will not be able to get married,

01:05:53We will have a meeting

01:05:54from a woman's house.

01:06:16He's Mr. Success, he's higher than high

01:06:20He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie

01:06:23He's king of the hill, he's top of the keep

01:06:27He's Mr. Unique, he's not Mr. She

01:06:31From the shine on his shoe to the stars in his eye

01:06:35If he were a girl, he'd be Princess Di

01:06:42He's Mr. Success, he's higher than high

01:06:46He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie

01:06:49He's king of the hill, he's top of the keep

01:06:53He's Mr. Unique, he's not Mr. She

01:07:19He's master, I'm Str. Unique, he's high now

01:07:22Your friend, unique, she's higher than high

01:07:25As it goes on his Kind tube and he's high yawn

01:07:26You

Bernard and the Genie (1991) | Alan Cumming, Lenny Henry | Richard Curtis Christmas Comedy

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