00:00You're in the shower and somewhere between washing your hair and standing there unmoving for 11 minutes,
00:05you've rehearsed an argument with someone who doesn't even know they've upset you yet.
00:09Or maybe you're traveling to work and somewhere on the freeway,
00:12you've just delivered the most articulate, devastating retort
00:16to something your manager said in a meeting three weeks ago.
00:20Perfect timing.
00:22Everyone in the imaginary room is quietly amazed.
00:25And then a car horn brings you back and you realize you've been doing 47 in the outside lane
00:30with the expression of someone getting a Lifetime Achievement Award.
00:34If any part of that made you want to look around uncomfortably, fantastic.
00:39Because there's something that happens inside a specific type of mind
00:43and it's barely talked about appropriately.
00:46Not the everyone daydreams stuff.
00:48That's not what this is.
00:50This is something that starts to feel less like a habit
00:53and more like a place you actually reside.
00:57And the reason it doesn't get talked about adequately
00:59is that the individuals who experience it
01:02are usually the last ones to think anything is wrong
01:05because from the inside it feels less like a problem
01:08and more like comfort.
01:10So what's truly going neurologically when you do this?
01:14Your brain has a network,
01:16the default mode network that engages specifically
01:19when you're not concentrating on the outer world.
01:21When you quit paying attention to what's in front of you,
01:24this network lights up and it starts generating you.
01:28Your memories, worries and fantasies,
01:31your rehearsed talks,
01:32your envisioned futures.
01:34It's doing what it was supposed to do.
01:36But with some people,
01:38that network doesn't merely activate periodically,
01:40it becomes the preferred configuration.
01:44The brain starts to consider internal simulation
01:46as more pleasant than outward reality.
01:49And it's a huge difference from normally
01:51because once that happens,
01:53the real world starts to feel thin,
01:55flat,
01:56like it's missing substance.
01:57Professor Eli Smear,
01:59a clinical psychologist at the University of Haifa,
02:02formally characterized this pattern in 2002
02:05and dubbed it maladaptive daydreaming,
02:08a term that still doesn't entirely describe
02:10what it feels like from the inside,
02:12but it's the most grounded framework we have.
02:15So, what did he find?
02:18Well, it's that maladaptive daydreaming
02:20isn't only a distraction.
02:22People were spending hours,
02:24sometimes the majority of their waking day,
02:27inside storylines they had manufactured
02:29wholly in their own thoughts.
02:31Detailed universes,
02:33recurring characters,
02:35stories that unfolded over months and years.
02:37And practically all of them had one thing in common.
02:41The imaginary realm gave them something
02:43the actual world hadn't.
02:45Not escapism in the lazy, dismissive way
02:47people use that word,
02:49like you're avoiding responsibility.
02:51It's more that the imagined scenarios
02:54tend to provide people control,
02:56emotional resolution,
02:57or a kind of connection that felt comfortable
02:59in a manner genuine relationships hadn't.
03:02You can toss a false conversation.
03:05You can rewind it.
03:06You can make the other person
03:08finally comprehend in a manner
03:10that the actual human in your life
03:11never quite did.
03:13That seems like quite the adaptation, doesn't it?
03:16The problem,
03:17and there is one eventually,
03:19the brain starts to learn
03:21that emotional demands
03:22may be supplied internally.
03:24And when that learning
03:25becomes powerful enough,
03:27stepping back into the friction of real life
03:29starts to feel really worse
03:31than remaining in.
03:32Real people are unpredictable.
03:34Real life talks don't go
03:36the way you scripted them.
03:38Intimacy is terrifying and slow
03:40and entails a lot of sitting with uncertainty.
03:43The daydream never disappoints you that way.
03:46So, you keep going back.
03:48And people don't expect it.
03:50It's not about being creative.
03:52Some of the most imaginative people
03:54in the world don't actually do this.
03:56And some folks who've never written
03:58a word of fiction in their lives
03:59do it compulsively every single day.
04:01It's not based on IQ either.
04:04The findings reveal stronger absorption,
04:06which is the personality trait
04:08connected to deep immersion focus,
04:10is a role.
04:11This means the folks most prone to this
04:13are frequently the same ones
04:14who get utterly lost in music
04:16or can't see a film
04:17without feeling legitimately wrecked afterward.
04:19They experience everything more intensely,
04:22so they developed a space
04:24where they could feel things
04:25on their own terms.
04:27And then there's the most destructive element,
04:29the humiliation spiral.
04:32When you're doing this,
04:33when you're 30 minutes deep
04:35into a scenario
04:35where you're finally saying
04:37the thing you never got to say
04:38at age 14,
04:40you realize on some way
04:41that time is passing.
04:43You know somewhere in the back of your mind
04:45that the world kept moving
04:47while you were gone.
04:49And resurfacing bears
04:50this odd emotional aftertaste.
04:53Hard to name yet,
04:54easy to feel.
04:56And before you've ever
04:57consciously decided anything,
04:59you're almost halfway back in.
05:01So the cycle compounds.
05:03The shame feeds the need.
05:05The need develops the habit,
05:07and the habit starts to take up
05:09more and more of the area
05:10where your actual life
05:12is meant to be happening.
05:13But that doesn't mean
05:14this is inherently a defect.
05:17Not even a little bit.
05:18The people who adopt this behavior
05:20are statistically people
05:22who at some point
05:23required an exit door
05:24that the real world
05:25wasn't supplying.
05:27Maybe their house wasn't safe,
05:28or they were chronically lonely
05:30in surroundings
05:31that were supposed to seem friendly.
05:33Perhaps they were just
05:34a little too sensitive
05:35for the particular world
05:36they arrived in,
05:37and this was the most creative
05:39yet least harmful way
05:41their nervous system
05:42found to deal.
05:43So the daydream
05:44wasn't the problem itself,
05:46but the solution to it.
05:48The actual question
05:49is basically
05:50whether it's still serving you now,
05:52or whether it started
05:53to cost you something.
05:55And here,
05:56um,
05:56this is where I want you
05:57to truly stop
05:58and ponder for a second.
06:00Some people who find themselves
06:02somewhere in this
06:02will instantly jump
06:03to mending it.
06:04Like the goal
06:05is to eradicate
06:06the inner world totally.
06:07But that's not
06:08what the study indicates towards.
06:10And honestly,
06:11that doesn't make
06:12much psychological sense.
06:14The idea isn't
06:15to become someone
06:15who never escapes
06:16into their own brain.
06:18The aim is instead
06:19to understand out
06:20what the disappearance
06:21is doing for you,
06:22and then slowly,
06:23okay,
06:24probably uncomfortably,
06:25start building
06:26some of that in reality.
06:28What does the imagined
06:29version of connection
06:30give you
06:31that you're not allowing yourself
06:32ask for out loud?
06:34What does the fantasy
06:35version of resolution
06:36give you
06:37that you're not allowing
06:38yourself to actually pursue?
06:40What is the scenario
06:41rehearsing
06:42that you're too terrified
06:43to actually live?
06:44The fact that you can
06:46design entire worlds
06:47inside your own head
06:48with emotional nuance
06:49and narrative coherence
06:51and characters
06:51that feel real,
06:52that's an incredible capability,
06:55a genuinely astonishing one.
06:57The folks who experience
06:58this most profoundly
06:59are frequently sitting
07:00on an immense amount
07:01of internal richness
07:02that has just never found
07:04the proper outlet
07:05or the right person,
07:07the perfect moment of safety
07:08to exist in the real world.
07:11The tragedy
07:12isn't that they imagined
07:13so deeply.
07:14Somewhere along the way,
07:16they decided that depth
07:17was only safe
07:18when it was invisible.
07:20So,
07:21if you watched
07:22this entire video
07:23and felt a special type
07:24of quiet recognition,
07:25not the,
07:27oh,
07:27that's interesting kind,
07:28but the kind
07:29where you had to
07:30remind yourself
07:30to breathe.
07:31I just wanted
07:32to remind you
07:33that nothing about you
07:34needs to be fixed.
07:35You adapted quietly,
07:37silently,
07:38in a way anyone
07:39ever saw
07:40or gave you credit for.
07:42Most individuals
07:43don't even realize
07:44they're doing it.
07:45If you're interested
07:46in studying
07:47some of my explanations
07:48further,
07:48I've put together
07:49a choice of books
07:50that go deeper
07:51into psychology,
07:52human behavior,
07:54and independent thinking.
07:55You may find
07:56the whole list
07:57on my bookshop site
07:58through the link
07:59in the description
07:59and pinned comment.
08:01And if you truly love
08:02content like this,
08:03consider subscribing
08:04and putting on
08:05the notification bell
08:06so you don't miss
08:07future releases.
08:08I sincerely appreciate
08:10all your support.
08:11See you in the next one.
