00:00I don't know if you recall a 35-year-old guy in Ohio we talked about back in August.
00:14That's when he got arrested for trying to have sex with the front of a red van.
00:18Well, he just pled guilty to public indecency for attempting to screw a red van parked on a Dayton, Ohio street.
00:25When cops confronted him, he was wearing only gym shorts and shoes, and he appeared under the influence of some type of narcotic.
00:32There is his mugshot.
00:34Oh, yeah.
00:35Creepy, creepy dude.
00:36Creepy dude.
00:37Screw in a van.
00:40Weird.
00:42People that have sex with inanimate objects, thankfully, I can't wrap my head around it.
00:46Yeah, some I can.
00:48I mean, if it's a device for pleasure, I understand it.
00:51Take sex toys out of it.
00:53Okay.
00:53Yeah, yeah.
00:54Toys that are device to give you pleasure.
00:56Okay, take that out of it.
00:57Yeah, when you're banging a bicycle tire, that's weird.
01:00When you're banging a pool, suction cup, you know, or like that.
01:04What about a grapefruit?
01:06Weird.
01:07Weird, okay.
01:08Oh, no.
01:09Uh-oh.
01:11I don't know.
01:12I feel like that might be a gray area.
01:14Yeah.
01:14No, I'm pretty sure it's not.
01:16Cucumbers, grapefruit.
01:17It's pink, and it's not good.
01:18And citrusy.
01:19Yeah, I feel like if you've intentionally made something into a sexual aid.
01:25Like a watermelon in the oven.
01:26Yeah, then you're okay.
01:28No.
01:29No, you're not.
01:30No, yeah, I think you are.
01:31You're way too much leeway here.
01:32Well, it makes more sense than just some random object is what you're saying.
01:36I'm not banging a watermelon because I want to bang the watermelon.
01:41I'm banging a watermelon because after you put it in the microwave, it feels like something else.
01:48Like the real thing.
01:49Okay.
01:50I'm not speaking from experience.
01:51No.
01:52Uh-oh.
01:52Big rush on watermelons.
01:54Yeah, nor am I, but that to me makes more sense than, oh my God, every time I see a watermelon, I have to bang it because watermelons are hot.
02:05Because watermelons turn you on.
02:07Exactly.
02:08You know, that's a big difference.
02:10It's still weird to wrap my head around a bit, but I get it.
02:12If you're fashioning your own homemade vagina because you want it to feel like one, it has nothing to do with the item you're screwing.
02:20You just want that sensation.
02:22Then that makes more sense than, you know, shoving my dong through a door handle.
02:25I come to your house and you have like a bunch of watermelons sitting on the couch with faces on them that you drew.
02:31Oh, hi, Lisa.
02:34I want you to meet some of my friends.
02:37It's all with the barbecues.
02:39What are we doing?
02:40No, this is Susan.
02:42Susan.
02:43That's Latanya.
02:46That's Shaniqua.
02:50Oh, you have a lot of watermelons here.
02:53That's Tracy.
02:54Here are some of my other friends.
02:57The grapefruit.
02:59Over here.
03:00Cantaloupe.
03:01Cantaloupe.
03:03Don't eat the fruit.
03:05Mushmelon.
03:06It's my musmelon.
03:07He would never have all that fruit at his house.
03:09That's a fruit salad.
03:10Yeah.
03:10The only reason Chuck would have fruit would be to F it.
03:12You know he's not eating.
03:13You're right.
03:14You're damn right.
03:16You're actually really right.
03:19Like, if there was ever a melon in my house.
03:22Be suspicious.
03:23It's just for me to bang.
03:25There's not a melon I like.
03:27It's sad.
03:28It's sad times if you have to screw a watermelon.
03:30Like, really.
03:31How do you not throw yourself off a bridge if you just have screwed a watermelon?
03:34Well, you know why?
03:35Because I feel like it's not that sad.
03:38You just have to, you know.
03:40Different perspectives on this.
03:42It's not.
03:43You just, you gotta bang something.
03:46A watermelon's better than a red van, right?
03:48Yeah.
03:49You're trying to step up the game just to step up the pleasure and you don't have, like,
03:54a hundred bucks to drop on a fleshlight.
03:56Yeah.
03:56And you only think it's weird now because you've never been to that level of desperation.
04:00Yeah.
04:00If you ever got down to that point, you might consider a watermelon.
04:03I don't know if I should do this.
04:05What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever banged?
04:07Oh, my God.
04:08What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever banged?
04:11Oh, my God.
04:12Good morning.
04:13The first text, my friend cut a hole in a teddy bear, filled it with oatmeal, and banged it.
04:20Wait a second.
04:22You filled it with oatmeal?
04:23Oatmeal.
04:24Warm oatmeal.
04:24There's a teddy bear right up there.
04:26We have one in the studio.
04:28I was looking around to see what we have here.
04:30Yeah, there you go.
04:31Looking in here, what could I...
04:33I have oatmeal.
04:33I have oatmeal.
04:34I actually have a fake butt mannequin we can bring in there if you guys get
04:37really good to see it.
04:39It is odd to look around and think to yourself, what could I bang in here?
04:43Let's play, what could I screw?
04:45I was thinking, so would you...
04:46Okay, I got one thing I could screw.
04:48Kylo Ren and...
04:49Kylo Ren?
04:50Kylo...
04:50You're going to screw Kylo, the life-size Kylo Ren doll?
04:54Or the teddy bear, or there's a pinata of yourself.
04:57Oh, that'd be weird.
04:59Chuck screws himself?
05:00I would love to screw myself.
05:03You say, that's probably a dream come true for Chuck.
05:06I don't think anybody admires Chuck more than himself.
05:10That's the truth.
05:13Yeah.
05:14I mean, I've never really been big on banging like a stuffed animal.
05:20Dave, I got one for you.
05:22All the titties.
05:23No, no.
05:23Well, yeah, that's a no-brainer.
05:24But that horn over there...
05:27I've got to screw a horn?
05:28Oh, my God.
05:28Oh, look at that!
05:30I didn't even barely get my finger in there!
05:31Yeah, let me...
05:32That's not creepy.
05:34You're going to need a bigger horn.
05:35You'd look like a semi-truck if Dave doesn't...
05:37Exactly.
05:39Exactly.
05:39He needs a train horn.
05:41Okay, well, maybe Chuck could do it then.
05:44If I was going to bang...
05:45Chuck, can I get this one for you?
05:47Pretty much, yeah.
05:48I feel like that sound makes the perfect description of...
05:51...sex with Chuck.
05:52I'm just waking in sex with Chuck.
05:57Oh, it's over.
05:58What happened?
06:00And then...
06:01Oh!
06:02All done.
06:03Woo!
06:05Is this good for you?
06:06Is this good for me?
06:08No, if I was going to bang something in here, I'd bang that faux leather couch.
06:11Yeah?
06:12I'd just oil it up.
06:13Oh, right in between the sheets.
06:14Then bang it.
06:15Yeah, that's what I'd do.
06:16You thought way too much about this.
06:16Oh, I'm just...
06:17I'm looking around like, what can I bang?
06:18Ha ha ha.
06:20Ha ha.
06:20Ha ha.
06:21Ha ha.
06:21Ha ha.
06:22Ha ha.
06:22Ha ha.
06:22Ha ha.
06:22Ha ha.
06:22Ha ha.
06:22Ha ha.
06:23Ha ha.
06:23Ha ha.
06:24Ha ha.
06:25Ha ha.
06:25Ha ha.
06:26Ha ha.
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