- 4 months ago
Lewis Raymond Taylor is a life coach and entrepreneur who says he was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, a condition often associated with psychopathy. He spent his younger years dealing with violence, addiction, and crime, including serving prison time for grievous bodily harm.
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00:00My name is Lewis Raymond Taylor. I'm a diagnosed psychopath. I was sentenced to prison for
00:04one punch that left a man in a coma. This is everything I'm authorized to tell you.
00:10I understand emotions, but I don't feel them. So when people say, how do you feel about that? I say,
00:14well, actually, I don't. I think about that. I could go a month and not feel anything, you know,
00:19and every now and again, I'll just get a little flicker and I'll go, oh, there's there. I had a
00:23little something there. I'm a life coach today. I would not be the success I am without being a
00:32psychopath. So I can always remember being like a bad quote kid and naughty, mischievous, cheeky.
00:40I also remember also having a very toxic relationship with my dad specifically. In 2014,
00:47I'd got back from an extremely chaotic summer abroad where I was drinking, fighting every day. I was
00:53getting involved with all sorts of situations. I would start fights. I would start trouble. I
00:58wanted to feel something and the adrenaline from doing something bad. When I was fighting,
01:03I was fighting to hurt, to win, to feel powerful. I wouldn't stop. Like people would have to drag me
01:09off. I would be punching and punching, stamping and stamping and stamping. And I got, I am,
01:14and other people are very lucky that that didn't, I didn't end up killing somebody. I got a bit of
01:20a
01:20thrill from knowing that people saw me in that way. And I would do it for the attention. I was
01:25just
01:25doing anything I could to push things right to the edge, to the point where I could die. And I
01:30didn't care. It seems like a silly thing, but I would literally swing from balconies and I would
01:34be underneath and I'd be swinging from one arm and just hanging off. And I'd see everyone going,
01:39oh my God, look up there at Lewis. And I would just, that for me was more important for getting
01:44the look at Lewis. He's so crazy. It was more important than I could drop and die. And I wouldn't
01:49even think I could drop and die. It wouldn't go through my mind because that fear response is just like
01:53numb. And I realized that I would become an alcoholic because I had no longer was doing
01:58it out of choice. And I realized I now needed to, and I was also still being aggressive.
02:01I'd already committed loads of crimes since the age of about 13, all sorts of different ones.
02:07The last time I went to prison was a time that I hit a guy in a taxi queue and
02:11he had a brain
02:13hemorrhage and was in a coma and then did make a full recovery. But I was sent to prison for
02:1818
02:18months for grievous bodily harm. I was out one night and actually I was, I jumped to the front
02:24of a taxi queue. I don't know if I did it on purpose or I didn't realize there was a
02:28queue or
02:28what have you, but some guy shouted, you know, shouted at me and said something.
02:32When I think about this guy that I hit, all I can see actually on this occasion is my dad's
02:36face.
02:36I was definitely angry because of my dad, he would hit me, he would be abusive at me,
02:40call me a buffoon. But this particular time, because he was older, I was 24 by the time this happened
02:45and he was 40. Like I saw that as an old man. And he shouted at me and I just
02:54remembered just seeing
02:55my dad and just punching him in the face. And his head like flat on the ground, his face flat
03:02on
03:02the ground actually, to the point where he was just stone cold knocked out. And then blood started
03:08coming out of his head. So I thought that's it, I just looked straight to my left and I saw
03:11the CCTV
03:12cameras outside the train station at the time. And I just thought that's, that's it. You know,
03:16and I'd like to say, I'd like to tell you that my first thought was a man, but it wasn't,
03:19it was,
03:20it was me. It was like, I'm going to go to prison. Um, so I put my coat over him
03:24thinking,
03:24literally thinking he was dead and then put my hands up and waited for the police to arrive.
03:28And, uh, within a short period of time they had to put me in the back of the car, sent
03:32me to the
03:32police station. Luckily he hadn't died. And, uh, I was sent to prison because I pleaded guilty at the scene.
03:38I got a lot of time reduced in the UK. You serve nine months in prison and then you serve
03:43nine
03:43months on probation. So I actually only served nine months inside prison on that occasion.
03:47In probation, like later on, I did reach out to him as an opportunity for restorative justice.
03:52At the time, I honestly couldn't tell you whether I was doing that just to,
03:56you know, tick a box or whatever. But then later on down the line, I did want to like,
04:00see if I could contact him just to see what could happen. And, you know, but he, he wasn't interested
04:05in,
04:05uh, in responding. When it happened at the time, I don't, I don't have those responses where I
04:10think about fear or what people think or what's going to happen. There is of course a inconvenience
04:15and a frustration of the consequences of the inevitable prison time that I didn't,
04:22obviously didn't want, but there wasn't, there's not associated with fear. It's not like,
04:25what's going to happen when I go to prison? It's just, I'm going to be in prison for a long
04:28time.
04:29And now looking back, what do you think about this reaction? What does it make you feel
04:32now with everything that you know about this?
04:36So looking back on it, and this is the most difficult thing for me to share,
04:40because this is the thing that paints me in the, in the worst light in terms
04:43of the stereotypical way of people will perceive it, but they have to truly understand it.
04:47But when I look back on it now, I feel the same, because I don't feel anything.
04:51I understand shouldn't have happened. And you know, what stupid kid I was and what an unfortunate
04:57situation that man found himself in, and it shouldn't have happened to him.
05:02But it's just not associated to a visceral feeling. It's associated to a cognitive
05:07understanding of knowing that, you know, that shouldn't have happened and that's bad and wrong.
05:12But whatever remorse or guilt feels like, I just have no idea what it could feel like.
05:23If I could explain psychopathy in one sentence, I would personally just describe it as somebody
05:28who experiences the world and emotions differently to other people. So psychopathy is not in the DSM
05:36manual. You can't be any more diagnosed with actually just being a psychopath. You have to have
05:40the underlying clinical condition, which is an antisocial personality disorder, which is what I have.
05:45The main traits of psychopathy are impulsiveness, manipulation. There's a very low risk fear
05:55tolerance as well. The emotional bluntness or a complete lack of emotion. And that obviously
06:01translates to many things, lack of remorse, lack of guilt, a lack of concern or care for other people,
06:07if not trained and understood. I feel almost nothing. And sometimes I'll use language to just make sense
06:13to people and I might say the word feel, but I don't actually feel it. I understand it. I can
06:18get
06:18to emotion, but I can also just take it off. Like I could never think of something ever again if
06:24I
06:25wanted to. Like if I go, that's too difficult, I can just don't think about it. Certain things like
06:31funerals, weddings, hierarchy of authority, they just don't really make sense or mean anything to me.
06:38It's only now that I have such an awareness around the diagnosis that I really start to compare and
06:43contrast myself against other people and just realized the disparity of what I feel versus
06:48what they feel. And then I realized over time, especially from dealing with people one to one,
06:52that it was actually everyone that was like that or most people anyway. And it was me that was different.
06:59You know, it was me that was probably acting in a way that I shouldn't have.
07:01Now I can actually ask the question. I can say to people, you know, when this happens,
07:05what do you feel? What sensations are going on in your body? Do you actually have
07:09like a sinking feeling, a warm fuzzy? Does it actually feel warm and fuzzy? And I can actually
07:15understand that.
07:21I am not emotionless. I just experience it differently. That's the thing. I know it's alien to people,
07:28but I think it, I don't feel it, but it doesn't mean to say it's not there. For example, I
07:32have
07:33partners. I have love in my life, but it's just not a felt sense love. Like I have to be
07:37shown it.
07:38I have to understand it. I have to believe it, you know, and it becomes as a part of a
07:42bond over time
07:43rather than like an immediate emotional connection. But I know that I love people. I get to the point
07:47where I can, someone will say, do you love them? And I can say yes or no. And I don't
07:51know why,
07:51but it's just a part of my brain that's decided they've now met that criteria because of things
07:56that have happened. And I know from my actions of what I would do for that person. So if I
08:01would,
08:01it's going to sound extreme, but if I would like kill for that person, then I know that must mean
08:04I love them. So it's kind of different, but I make my own map of the world based on what
08:11I have
08:11available to me. And I relate it as close to language and a normal human experience of a sort of
08:18normal neurotypical person.
08:20How about the birth of your son?
08:22Do you know what? So when my dad died, I cried. When a girlfriend cheated on me when I was
08:30younger,
08:30I cried and I felt it as well. So I have had times where I've been like hurt. I was
08:36really worried
08:37I wasn't going to cry when my son was born because I just would have felt cold. And when I
08:42say feel,
08:43it's just like, it's the only way to explain it. But I would have just reinforced to myself that I'm
08:47this
08:47bad, unlovable man that's going to not be able to break this pattern with my son that happened with
08:53my dad. I know not everybody does anyway, but I just wanted to, because I wanted it to be the
08:58moment
08:58where hopefully he could, you know, bring something out in me that I'm waiting to see in myself.
09:04And he came out and I cried. So I was very relieved. And that was the first time I've ever
09:09cried out of
09:09happiness ever. I've never experienced that. I've never, I didn't know how people could have emotions
09:13through happiness. It's not, it doesn't reach that intensity for me. Right. Very flat.
09:17Do you love him?
09:19Yes. I love him.
09:21So that's a feeling.
09:23It's a feeling, but it's like I said, it's, so if you want me to talk about it quickly. So
09:28I definitely love my son. This is difficult to admit because I wouldn't want anyone to, I wouldn't want
09:34him to see it and misunderstand it, but it's different. It's still different. Like I can't deny it. Like
09:39it's stronger than anything else. I'm able to be away from him and not think about him every day.
09:44Like I'm able to detach my emotions. I, it took me a while to build that bond, that connection.
09:50It still feels surreal at times. I'm probably not as loving as a normal dad would be. And that's,
09:56that's a shame to say, because you know, I don't wish that upon myself or anybody because it's a shame
10:02to be able to have to say that. But it's the truth. You know, I want to try and be
10:06as truthful as possible.
10:06So I love him in the ways that I've explained. And he's on the highest end of the spectrum that
10:11hits above that threshold. But it's probably still less. And hopefully by the time he reaches
10:19sort of an older age, I've worked on myself even more so that I can show him that I love
10:23him in
10:24every aspect that he's going to feel it and need it and understand it. Relationships look very different
10:28to me because I, I understand like the love languages, love languages are different things.
10:33Like you experienced love through physical touch or through gifts or for acts of service and
10:37present quality time and different things. And for me, it has to be, um, it has to actually be
10:44the acts of service, which sounds like a really chauvinistic thing, but it's not
10:50because I really like to contribute and be a good partnership with somebody.
10:54I like to be the provider and I like to know that I am, but they have to show me
10:57something
10:58back. Otherwise I just can't see it. So I would never force that upon somebody, but I, but if
11:02someone, if a woman cooks me a meal, I, I, I would feel as close to as you would perceive
11:08loved
11:08because I would say they're doing that because they love me. It's not, you do it because you
11:13should. It's, I appreciate that. And I can now see, because if you try and radiate love to me,
11:18I think I'm not going to feel it. That has to be important in a relationship. It has to be
11:21quite
11:21a traditional dynamic like that. I might not have whatever. I just can't, whatever everyone else has.
11:26I know that I have an element of care for people and I still want to do the right thing.
11:30If anything,
11:31I think it could be more potent coming from me because I have to make a logical choice to care.
11:37Now I have what is known as cognitive emotions. And specifically, like if we talk about empathy,
11:43which is a big part of psychopathy, I just don't emotionally relate to people. Somebody could tell
11:49me, they could tell me anything, absolutely anything. And I wouldn't feel nothing. And that's not
11:54that I don't care. Sometimes I really am invested in thinking, you've been through a tough time.
12:00You need some help. I'm someone that help you. I'm going to help you. And I genuinely want to.
12:04Like I'm invested in doing that because I can see clearly and understand even more rationally,
12:10maybe some people with emotions sometimes, because sometimes they're clouded and they're overwhelmed
12:15by emotion to the point where they're actually have to distance themselves from that situation.
12:18Me, sometimes I can logically just pull through that cloud and just help those people. So it's not
12:22I don't care or want to help. It's that I just don't feel it. When I was 17, I had
12:27my first major
12:28girlfriend. And that's something I felt because at this point I felt very bad and unlovable because I
12:35either didn't feel it or wasn't getting it or wasn't receiving it in the way that I could understand.
12:40I just felt unloved. It felt like a void. And when I had this girlfriend, she would invite me around
12:45to her family's house. We'd watch TV. I would talk with her family. She had lots of brothers
12:52and sisters. And it was like, okay, this is what family's like. And I felt something. I felt like,
12:57oh, okay, maybe I'm actually okay because they've accepted me in and this is normal.
13:02But then my alcohol was progressing and she had an argument with me one night and she just threw
13:06at me, well, I cheated on you. And it just really hit me. To this day, I've had quite a
13:12lot of trauma,
13:12but I think that one probably is the one that I remember feeling the most because I felt loss.
13:17I felt confirmation that I was bad and unlovable. And I completely went berserk. And the ambulance
13:26arrived and I was trying to fight them off and they had to pin me down and stitch me up.
13:31And then I
13:31escaped from the hospital and was section under the Mental Health Act and it was just complete.
13:36And I was screaming and telling them to let me die. That's how distraught I was over that.
13:41And I think every, although I've had some form of emotion and then these extreme moments,
13:46it kind of erupts. I think with that scenario, it was, it felt like loss. I think if I could
13:50connect
13:50it to what I guess that would be, because I, in that moment, I knew we would never be together
13:55again.
13:56I knew it confirmed to me all the things that I hoped weren't true about me, that I was this
14:01bad
14:01and unlovable kid. I was, this wouldn't have happened. And it was confirmation that I'd lost her.
14:06And it kind of just hit me all in that moment.
14:14I was very naughty from a young age. I don't know exactly where that came from. If it was like
14:19inherently naughtiness, part of this condition or just who I was. But like, one of my earliest
14:25memories of kind of my mum coming into nursery and having to take me home straight away after,
14:32because it was a, come and see your, see your child at nursery day. And everyone else was sitting
14:38quietly in the carpet. And I was running around the room, banging a drum, singing happy birthday,
14:42because I was just in a world of my own. I was nearly expelled from primary school,
14:46which is very unusual because you're like, no one really gets expelled from primary school,
14:50but I nearly did. And I was expelled from secondary school. I think my environment played a big
14:53factor in the way that I am. I couldn't tell you if we wound back the clock and, you know,
14:59I had a different upbringing, I might be, I might feel the emotions. I really couldn't tell you.
15:03I really bounced between thinking to myself, no Lewis, you are so different to people that this is
15:09just you, you got to accept it. And you got to just allow that to be part of who you
15:13are to,
15:13no, actually, I think I could be like everyone else. And there's this little tiny flicker of a flame that
15:19keeps on getting snubbed out that maybe I could ignite. But then I go, no, I can't.
15:25Some point, something must have clicked for me. And I don't remember what happened where I decided
15:28I wanted to be famous. And this is about seven or eight years old. And I thought, okay, I'll do
15:33the normal things you do when you want to be famous, singing, acting and dancing. And I happened to be
15:37actually quite okay. You know, I don't know if I was a star, but I was actually, I could sing,
15:42I could dance, I could act at an amateur level. So I did do plays and stage school and even
15:48ballet
15:48and tap dancing, which is crazy. So thinking about it now, it's like this psychopath kid,
15:52a psychopath guy who's violent criminal, who was once a ballerina. So that's the sort of
15:58contradiction of life. At one of the stage schools I was at, one of the people at the stage school
16:05I
16:05was in, invited me back to his house. And he was, he wasn't like an older man. He was, he
16:11was just a
16:11lot older than me. Like on reflection, he was probably 18 and I was probably 10 or 11, but I
16:17actually don't
16:17know. And, uh, invite me back to his house. I thought nothing of it. And he was, and I somehow
16:21managed to, my parents let me sleep over his house. And I'm just trying to think about how that even
16:26happened. I stepped over at his house and, um, it started normally like watching TV. And then
16:35he like held my hand and it was just the weirdest thing. And I was just froze. I was thinking,
16:39why is this guy holding my hand? But I just, and then a minute, like a minute passed,
16:43I realized I hadn't pulled my hand away and I was thinking, Oh God. And then it was like
16:50classic bloody stereotypical climbing on the top bunk, you know, came up on the top bunk where I was at
16:56and, uh, yeah, sexually abused me. And at the time I didn't really know what happened because I was so
17:02young. I'd never even had any experiences like that. So I didn't know, like, did he, did he know this
17:07was gonna happen? Did it, did I, should I have said like, no, did I participate? Did I actually do
17:12this
17:12with him? No idea. Um, and that was something that I completely suppressed to the point where
17:17I don't think I even really even remembered it until I was in rehab, uh, 20 at 24. And one
17:23of the
17:23stories, one of the things they do in treatment is to get you to share your life story. And I
17:27actually
17:28thought, I don't know what that is. So I had to literally get a bit of paper out and think,
17:31okay,
17:31well this happened. And then there, and then when I went into rehab, you, you go in a group and
17:38you
17:38share your story in front of a group. And I didn't think my story was going to be that significant
17:41at the
17:41time. Cause I'm in, I'm in here with like heroin addicts and homeless people. And I'm thinking
17:46their stories are going to be crazy and mine's going to be nothing. And I just sharing all these
17:50things and I just see their jaw drop to the ground. And I just thought, oh my God, this is
17:54serious
17:54stuff. And that was the first time I'd ever shared that. So that was, that was significant. I didn't
17:59feel anything at the time apart from confusion. I don't feel anything about it now. I don't actually
18:03think it made any difference to me, but it must've done. Like psychologically, clinically,
18:09logically, you look at it and you think, of course that must've affected somebody. But I couldn't tell
18:13you, oh, from that day I felt so whatever, cause I haven't. So anyway, that must've had an effect.
18:20I did have an emotionally shut down family, which of course is going to contribute to
18:25the learned behavior. My dad was very like almost psychopathic. My mom was very emotionally detached,
18:31but I think she showed emotion. I always thought my family was normal. I knew we didn't have the best
18:35relationship, but I didn't know. I couldn't compare it to, oh, this should be like this,
18:39or that should be like that. They would provide some parental care in the way that they understood
18:43it. But from an emotional support place, it was just non-existent because they didn't know how to
18:48express that in their own way. So my mom, she, she wouldn't really, she felt, she finds it very
18:52uncomfortable to say, I love you or cuddle. Even to this day, she, like we try and make an effort
18:57now,
18:58but it's still very rare and awkward when it happens. So, uh, so I know that it's there with her.
19:05It's just, uh, she wasn't able to share it. I think I remember from the age of probably seven years
19:10old, being so angry and frustrated with myself because I thought it was my fault that this
19:14relationship, um, had broken down between me and my dad. Every time I even went to speak to him,
19:19somehow it would turn into a blazing row. He could become, uh, violent, but it was,
19:25it wasn't often. I can't say that he beat me all the time, you know, it did do it. Um,
19:30but it was more the, uh, the emotional abuse or, um, the things he said. My brother also actually
19:35very emotionally detached. Uh, we got onto a certain extent because we were similar in age. He was
19:42five years younger than me and I kind of brought him into my lifestyle, really same sort of group of
19:48friends. I was selling drugs. I got him to sell drugs for me. That's kind of not what you would
19:52do
19:53with your family. But for me, it, it didn't make it to me. It made more sense. Actually
19:57to me, it's like, if I'm going to have someone that I trust, like I would prefer to have my
20:01brother
20:01doing this. Most people's thoughts would be, what if that happened? What if this happened?
20:05What if that, oh, that's bad. What's it going to, but it just didn't enter my brain.
20:08It started off juvenile sort of silly behavior and then eventually turned into things like
20:12shoplifting and smashing windows and, and then drink and drugs. I started quite
20:17small sort of weed at 13, alcohol sort of 15, cocaine by the time I was 18. And at that
20:24point,
20:24I was addicted to cocaine.
20:31So when I was diagnosed with having an antisocial personality disorder, it was a part of the system.
20:36So I had just committed some very violent crimes. Um, and I was very young and I've got a lot
20:41of
20:41trauma from my life. And I think with the traits of being so impulsive and reckless and had, I had
20:47absolutely no regard for myself or my future. Consequences just was completely out of my head.
20:55So I hurt a lot of people, uh, not random people, of course, these were people that I'd,
20:59you know, got into contact with out on a night of drinking or what have you. So I went to
21:03probation
21:03and they do what's called a pre-sentence report. And it's where they kind of analyze you and your
21:08background and your behavior and your environment to be able to give a bit of a background package of
21:13information to the judge. I went in there, crossed my arms, said, do what you want, don't care.
21:17You look, she said, you're looking at eight years of prison. I was like, so what? I don't care.
21:20Do you not care about the people you found? No. Uh, do you not care about what you've done? No.
21:24And I just never thought about it. I didn't think, oh, I'm not displaying remorse. I'm not, I just,
21:29just factually answering the questions. And I just actually did not care whatsoever.
21:33And she was obviously quite perplexed by those responses and sent me for a psychiatric assessment.
21:39I didn't realize that was not normal. I thought that was just another part of this
21:43court process. It turns out it wasn't as it turns out she noticed something in me that was unusual.
21:48And then I met with a psychiatrist. They did an interview, asked me those questions. Nothing
21:54really stood out to me. I didn't think, oh, this is, this is unusual. I just thought this is what
21:59every criminal kind of is going to be saying. And, uh, yeah, came back with antisocial personality
22:05disorder. And I just, again, I just brushed it off and I thought, well, he's just thinking I'm,
22:10I'm mental because I've committed all these crimes and he's a goody two shoes. And he just doesn't know
22:15that I'm just being a bit of a bad lad. I didn't realize there's anything, you know, wrong with me,
22:18quote unquote. And that was the start of the diagnosis. At the time, I didn't think the diagnosis
22:22was correct. When I was diagnosed with the antisocial personality disorder, I don't
22:28think that I shared it that much, to be honest. I remember with the second one with the bipolar,
22:32because I'd purposely gone to get that, uh, evaluation. Um, I shared it with just one I
22:38can remember. I shared it with someone in the pub and they just said, I thought, I can't remember
22:43the exact words now, but it was something along the lines of, I'm glad you figured out what it was,
22:46mate. Like, like he knew it wasn't this one moment where I'm like, I'm a psychopath. You know,
22:52it was like, it's, it's clues and signals and things throughout my entire life that looking back
22:58in it, they kind of all fit in and you go, oh yeah, actually. So it's a, it's a evolving
23:03process
23:03of coming to terms with any condition that you might have, right? Back then I had no need to mask,
23:09to display, to try and act, perform. If someone said, how did you attack that man? I would just tell
23:15you exactly how I attacked them, not realizing that maybe I should probably explain this in a different
23:20way and look a little bit different in how I share that information. And as I got into life coaching,
23:26and I was, I was coaching people and I was helping people, I would hear their reactions.
23:30I was just thinking, surely not. Like you cannot feel that way or think that way and act that way
23:35and feel. And then it was a pattern. They're all like it. They're all, they're all like this. They
23:39all care about these things. They all react about nothing. You know, it's out of, to me,
23:44it was frustrating because I just didn't understand it. Psychopaths, they still get frustrated,
23:49aggressive, angry, irritated. The worst feelings you can have, they still have.
23:59The most common myths about psychopathy is that they're bad people. They can do bad things and
24:06it's much easier for them to do bad things. They can manipulate, they can lie, they can harm,
24:12but that is still a choice. And that's largely because they're uneducated and unaware of who they
24:17are. And they haven't learned to transmute those traits into positive attributes that can actually
24:24be advantageous. They're told their whole life they're bad and incurable. So I don't kind of
24:28blame them. I was almost going to go down that line myself. I was told, expelled from school,
24:33you're bad. Probation, precinct report, you're bad. The lawyers, you're bad. The prison, you're bad.
24:39You know, it's parents, you're bad. Everyone told me I was bad. And I thought I was bad. And bad
24:44people do
24:44bad things, you know, because that's their identity. That's the person they think that they are.
24:48A lot of psychopaths have done bad things and those are the ones you will hear of. And the thing
24:53is
24:53though, not many people want to admit to psychopathy because of the stigma that it has associated to
24:58it. So there'll be great ones out there that just don't want to tell you because they don't want to
25:03say, oh, hey, I've been faking half this stuff, but I'm still a good person. But they do great things
25:08in the world. And if we could compare the good ones and the bad ones, then we'd probably have
25:13a better understanding of the sort of spectrum that it exists on. It is only portrayed online
25:17in the most drastic form. Like I said, it's on a, it's on a spectrum. You've got psychopathy,
25:22which is at one end of the spectrum, which is, I don't care about anybody and I can kill them
25:26and
25:26get enjoyment out of it. And then the other end of the spectrum is someone that will, you know,
25:30cry when they hear a piece of music and they can't stop thinking about it for the next three days
25:34because it's still choking them up every time. So there's people that exist all the way on that
25:38spectrum, but we only, you know, sensationalize the most interesting part of it. But actually,
25:45this is a neurodivergent mental health condition. You know, I'm not a bad person. I care about people.
25:50I've got a condition. I live with it. I try my absolute best. But it absolutely shouldn't be
25:55demonized unless you do bad things with it. And that's only a very select few people that do.
25:59The population of psychopaths is 1% of the world. And then how many other people are sociopaths and
26:06narcissistic and have disorders? You'd be, you'd be surprised. They don't even know it maybe,
26:10or they're hiding it or suppressing it. They're some of our most successful leaders that we don't
26:14even know about. It's out there. It's just misunderstood and they're portrayed in a very
26:20negative light. I've got a bit of a thrill out of the violence when I was younger because it was,
26:24um, power. I felt powerful. Um, and I could see how that could have progressed potentially as I got
26:31older and maybe more aggressive and, you know, edged it closer and closer that maybe that could have,
26:37you know, turned into some crazy violence. I don't know, but I never have any thoughts of harming people
26:44for the sake of harming people. It's just stigmatized because it's, you hear of serial killers and you
26:48think of psychopaths. I'm a diagnosed psychopath. I do not get a thrill out of hurting or doing anything
26:53bad. I could, I could do it, but I wouldn't want to. Like it's stupid. It doesn't make sense why
27:00I'd
27:00want to do it, but that's because I've evolved myself to the point where I understand that.
27:09There is definitely an element of masking and putting on personas. I think we all do it. Like
27:15you step into a meeting and you take the, the confident woman with you if that's, if that's who you
27:21need to be, you know, you, you go on a date, you take the joyful flirtatious person with you. It's
27:30you learn that behavior. That's a skill. And to say, oh no, I don't do it. Everything I'm doing is
27:34completely genuine. No. Sometimes I do put on a smile and there's no smile on it. You know,
27:37sometimes I do like have a connect, like create a connection when I first meet somebody because
27:42it makes them feel more comfortable, but I don't, I don't care to meet them more. Potentially,
27:47I may be more skilled in certain areas of doing it, or it's, it's more conscious than it is
27:53subconscious where people are doing it. But yeah, different scenarios, different search circles,
27:58different people, different groups, different outcomes that I'm looking for. I will behave
28:03differently. I don't think I'm hiding this monster within. Uh, there's definitely times where I'm,
28:09you know, you know, putting on a bit of a front or there is something because in business,
28:14sometimes there is something you want from other people, you know, sometimes you are in a meeting
28:18and then you couldn't care less about that person's holiday or, you know, how nice their tie is.
28:21Not that I make comments on things like that, but the point I'm making is sometimes I couldn't care
28:25less and I don't like that person, but I might pretend that I do. Um, but yeah, there's no, uh,
28:31monster waiting to pop out around the corner. And as soon as you close the door, there's this
28:34different version of me. There is a different version of me, but it's not a monster. It's a quieter,
28:38it's a more introverted. It's a more dull. It's a more baseline version of me.
28:50I would not be the success I am without being a psychopath because it's been my massive advantage.
28:57I have a ability to strategically think because I have to overcompensate for the lack of feeling.
29:03So I can create a plan and I can see every step that needs to take place. Sometimes people have
29:08like
29:08a goal and they don't, they, they can't visualize how to get there. And that's just some way some
29:13people are. I seem to be very methodical and strategic in my way of kind of taking very simple
29:18steps one after another with no emotional burden pulling me back. We created the business called
29:22The Coaching Masters and, um, the business grew exponentially. It was right before the pandemic.
29:28It was all online. We knew that it had to be online from the start. The main thing we do
29:32is we help people become life coaches. Those 15,000 students, they're people that have wanted to become
29:38a coach and they're now qualified as life coaches. That's the main part of our business now.
29:41You see a psychopath as manipulative and I am very manipulative, but to help someone, I will persuade
29:48you to think better about yourself and live your life beyond your wildest dreams. It's just categorized
29:53as bad if you're manipulating somebody to do something that's harmful for them or beneficial for you.
29:57So manipulation can become persuasion. My, uh, impulsivity can be seen as being able to
30:06take risks. My lack of fear enables me to not be burdened by it. Um, my emotional bluntness allows
30:15me to make logical decisions rather than being influenced by emotion and fear and ridicule or
30:20embarrassment or those things that might happen to people. It's like every single, uh, negative
30:24trait has a positive and it's about trying to integrate them and allow them and see rather
30:30than trying to dismiss it. Cause some people might think, oh, I'm quite manipulative sometimes.
30:33I'm going to bury that. But actually why not try and accept that as part of something that you do,
30:38but just make sure that you're doing it constructively. So I'm able to integrate those
30:44negative aspects of myself, but use them for good. How do you feel about people who might think,
30:49okay, this is not real then?
30:50Mm. Loads of people do. I've been called a cult leader and there's an element of truth behind it,
30:55right? Because when people say you're exploiting people for personal gain, I think, well, yeah,
31:02a business is for personal gain. Of course, like I'm not just doing this because I want to help everyone.
31:08I want to build a business. I want to make money. It's no different than any other leader of an
31:12organization. I'd be lying if I said I got everyone results because it's impossible to give everyone
31:16results. They need to want it. I can coach, I can help, and I can make impact. But if you
31:20want
31:20a real transformation, it's self-led. So the ones that don't win, I couldn't care less.
31:26And I tell you why, not my fault. I will give you all the resources, all the skills, all the
31:32support,
31:33and I go over and beyond. Like I will give you everything, but if you don't make it work,
31:36it's down to you. Do you think that universities are upset because they have a 3% success rate of
31:42people that actually get jobs in their field of... They're educators. They can provide the skills
31:46and resources, but it's down to the person. I know it works. I've helped thousands of people.
31:51If I was in like a one-off scenario where it only works for me and everyone else it didn't
31:56work for,
31:56because I'm teaching them how to be psychopaths, of course, that wouldn't be fair, but I'm not.
31:59I've educated myself. I know what it works and I've proven it. It can multiple across thousands of
32:05people from different countries and different walks of life and different demographics. So I know it works.
32:09So if it doesn't work for you, that's down to you. And you probably find that the person that doesn't
32:14work for, probably nothing's working for them. A lot of people have over-complicated the world.
32:19They worry about things that are never going to happen. And I just look at these people and I just
32:23think your life is just running out. Like your life is literally running out and all you're doing
32:27is stretching yourself out and worrying and scared about things that don't exist. And I think, wow,
32:31that's not what I'm supposed to be. So there's obviously that part that I'm quite grateful,
32:36but I don't have to be wrapped up in. There's a lot of ambitious people that want to achieve
32:40a lot with their life and they know the things to do, but they don't do them because they're held
32:43back by that fear, the fear of their own insecurities and doubts and what might happen
32:48or won't happen. And actually, if you can look at it quite logically, a lot of people ask me how
32:52I'm
32:52successful and I just say, well, I figure out what I want to do. And then I make like a
32:55plan of one,
32:56two, three, and then I take steps one, two, and three. I'm not some crazy genius of these mad plans.
33:02I just actually do all the things I want to do because most people could do the exact same things,
33:06but they're just held back by those emotional constraints.
33:09There's a lot of successful people that will detach themselves from their emotions purposefully,
33:13you know, because it's helpful in situations. You know, politicians, CEOs, surgeons,
33:18these people may actually be on this, you know, psychopathy spectrum, but even if they weren't,
33:22they would have to make a conscious choice to distance themselves. Because if they were in the
33:26middle of surgery and they'd be like, oh my God, but what about if I clip that? Or what about
33:28what
33:28their parents or their family or their daughter are going to, I can't operate. I'm going to have
33:32to let them just bleed out because, you know, what about if something goes wrong? Dead, you know,
33:36they're dead. Or what about if you go to war? It's like, can I kill 100,000 people with that
33:40decision
33:41or 800,000 people with that decision? I can't kill those 100,000 people. So now they're all dead.
33:47You have to go 100,000 people just makes more sense. You know what I mean? So some people have
33:52the
33:52ability to either disconnect or it's just disconnected anyway, but it of course can be helpful.
33:58From a corporate sort of point of view, I wouldn't say I'm the best leader in business. I definitely
34:06see it having flaws. I find it very difficult to communicate to people. I assume they think how
34:16I think a lot of the time. And I get very frustrated when they don't understand or don't do things
34:21the
34:21right way because I don't know how they wouldn't be able to do it. Because to me, it feels very
34:28simple and not in an arrogant way, but I see it clearly sometimes and they don't. And I find it
34:32frustrating to communicate that sometimes to staff. And I don't have much of a tolerance to support
34:39them emotionally from that real strong leadership perspective. I know that's the right thing to do.
34:43Nurture staff, employees, build them up. I really don't have the tolerance or the time or the patience
34:49in that. So I become more of a sort of more of a dictator sort of ship kind of leadership
34:55style.
34:56And it works to a certain extent, but I don't think it's the best way of doing it, to be
35:00honest.
35:01I think when you're changing things so fast and you're working so quickly and you just want to build
35:04something and you've got a vision for it, sometimes you don't have the space to nurture people and give
35:08them creative freedom to do their own thing because I've got my vision and I don't know what I want
35:11to
35:11do. So I end up just barking orders and telling people what to do. And sometimes it works, sometimes
35:15it doesn't. But if we move fast enough, we still end up building quite well. I'm very happy that my
35:19life has made this massive change. Happy is an interesting one for me because I don't feel a
35:25strong happiness. I have a flatness, but I do have a sense of being... content's also quite difficult,
35:31I would say. I'm on a climb. I know I'm on a climb. I have this illusion that the higher
35:37I climb,
35:38the more complete and fulfilled I'm going to feel. I know because I'm educated enough to know that
35:42that's not going to happen. But I allow myself to carry that climb because it gives me the satisfaction
35:47of knowing that I'm working towards something. I know eventually I might hit a peak. Call me a
35:52psychopath. Call me a manipulator. Call me a grandiose. I call that confidence. Call me, you know,
35:57whatever you might, you know, whatever trait you think. I'm okay with myself and who I am,
36:01and I'm okay with the impact I'm having and I'm not making any negative impact on anybody else.
36:10The bizarre thing is when I was told you end up in prison, a part of me actually liked the
36:17idea
36:17of it because I always knew that I was going to do something significant with my life. When I went
36:21to prison the first time as a young offender in the young offenders institution, it was chaotic,
36:25but I kind of liked the excitement of it. You know, it was fun in a way. It was like
36:30a different
36:30adventure because it's new, it's a different environment, meet new people. It's just like being
36:34an action movie in a way. So it's part of it, it's fun. And everyone was asking me kind of
36:39what
36:39you're in for, what you're in for. And I always had to respond with these very like menial crimes
36:44at the time. And I remember thinking like, I wish that I could say something a bit more impressive.
36:48And that's like how you rank, the more longer your crime and the more bad it is, like the higher
36:53you
36:53rank really. So I remember thinking, I could actually do with a better charge next time.
36:59So if anything, I was kind of waiting to go back. There was a big gap between the first and
37:04the
37:04second time I went to prison, 18 and 19. It wasn't until I was 24 in the end that I
37:09was, I went back.
37:11I wasn't in the young offenders anymore. I was in the adult prison and a bit more mature. It still
37:15had the same effect because I could say what you went for still happens. And I was able to say
37:19groovy is probably harm. It's just enough to say, okay, it's just a standard offense. And also,
37:24you know, he can, he can fight. So that was, I was remember thinking this is perfect.
37:29I didn't have any like opportunity to connect with people in prison because it's just very
37:34transactional. People are coming from different wings, different prisons in and out, getting
37:37released, coming in. So, you know, you, you, you form people that you get acquainted with and you,
37:42you know, you talk to, but it's just, you know, so surface level, you know, so I decided to do
37:47maths and
37:48English whilst I was in there. And the only reason I did that was because they pay you,
37:52you can only spend £15.50 a week maximum, even if you're like a multimillionaire,
37:57because everyone's got to be the same on your toiletries, your stamps, your food, your snacks,
38:02everything. But I didn't even have that. So I needed to get paid and they pay you £10 to work,
38:10like cleaning the wing or £11 for education. So the extra pound. So that's why I went to education,
38:16to be honest, for the extra pound a week. I was 24 at this point, but I was acting like
38:21a child.
38:21Like I would screw the paper up, throw it around, you know, I'm not doing this.
38:24The prison tutor, Susie, lovely lady. And she just came and sat down next to me and she just said,
38:31what's the matter? And I actually don't think anyone had asked me that before. And I said,
38:36I don't understand. And that was really confusing because I'd like vocalizing these sort of
38:41subconscious thoughts that I'd never even really explored just from simple questioning.
38:46And I thought, how do I not even know I understand? Because I've not even looked up at the board.
38:50You know, I don't even know what you're teaching me, but how do I say I understand?
38:53And then kind of for a few different thoughts and questions and chats,
38:57I realized it's kind of more of a not wanting my dad to be right because he would call me
39:02a buffoon
39:02and stupid. So I thought I was. I was convinced I was stupid and, you know, incapable of learning.
39:08So I wouldn't even try. It was just this weird confusion thing that I wasn't even aware of.
39:12That's how crazy it is. It just happens. And for understanding it a little bit,
39:17I thought I can give it a try. And I started to learn maths and English and pick it up
39:20quickly.
39:21Of course, it was simple. And that was a big turning point where I was like, maybe I could.
39:25And I said to the prison jury, I said, do you think I could go to university?
39:28And I was, I was almost like expecting her to go. That'd be so stupid. Of course you can't,
39:32you know, because that's what I thought I left school was expelled at 15, but we could leave at 16
39:36back
39:36then. And she just looked at me and she just said, of course you can. And I believed her,
39:45actually. I thought, actually, you actually believe I can. So that gave me a goal. I said,
39:49right, I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to go to rehab and I'm going to go to
39:52university.
39:53Do you think that had she come 10 years earlier, it would have had the same impact on you?
39:59I mean, I would have liked to have Susie in my life sooner. I think that would have been
40:04definitely advantageous, but who knows? You know, they say you can take a horse to water,
40:07but you can't make it drink. Maybe that was the perfect time in my life where she needed to intervene
40:12and give me that clarity. And maybe I would have, because to be honest, I was dismissive of help.
40:16Like it would have probably been presented itself to me because I remember that when I had this
40:20breakthrough moment inside prison, where I realized that I wanted to change and I could change.
40:26Everything started becoming different. I see signs on the wall for therapy and AA meetings and stuff
40:30that I didn't see before. It's like my brain was actually like, in NLP, we talk about it,
40:34deleting, distorting, generalizing information through our filters. And it's a real thing.
40:40It's not my perspective of the world. My world was physically different from changing myself,
40:47changing my thoughts. And so the moment I decided I wanted to work on myself,
40:50I saw these opportunities and all these people that wanted to help. And when they did
40:54approach me to help me, I would, I would engage with it and I would realize that they were very
40:58helpful. But before I just brushing off, brushing off, ignoring it, ignoring it. So,
41:02you know, who knows? Susie could have come into my life earlier and it could have helped,
41:05or maybe it wouldn't have been the right time.
41:13I did this rehabilitation of addictive prisoners trust program inside prison,
41:16and that was a game changer. That was, it was so basic, but enough to give me a glimpse of
41:21what I
41:21could learn. When I was about to be released after nine months, I applied for this six months,
41:26fully intensive rehabilitation treatment center in Portsmouth, right on the South Coast,
41:30hours and hours away from where I'm from. And you can go to this full rehab and then you can
41:36like resettle there and get housing allowance and start a new life. I got released from prison.
41:40They picked me up, they escorted me right down to, to rehab. And that was worse than prison,
41:47because it was not the lovely retreat with yoga and mindfulness that I was sort of thinking in my
41:52head. It was, let's break you down. Let's get all the trauma out. Let's rebuild you. Let's tell you
41:57how bad this is. Let's get you out of denial. Let's make this uncomfortable. All I wanted to
42:02focus on is my recovery. So I knew that was the first thing I needed to fix. If I can
42:04fix the drug
42:05and alcohol, that's going to let me clear, like think clearly and give me the space to do everything
42:09else. So that was my number one priority. I can't tell you exactly how that breakthrough moment happens.
42:13I think sometimes they, they happen out of nowhere. It's just like a moment that just clicks. It
42:17absolutely did break me down and built me back up. I've gone from a violent criminal drug addict
42:22to being a volunteer in Portsmouth, going to AA meetings on a Friday night and having a milkshake
42:28after for the enjoyment after the meeting. And I'm thinking I need, I can see the progress now.
42:33When I looked in the mirror and saw myself, it was just a truthful reflection. It was the version
42:39of me that's not blaming and not looking for a way out and not being in denial and just an
42:44honest
42:45representation of we are where we are, Lewis, and you are the problem. You have to accept that,
42:51but you have to also accept that once you realize you're the problem, you're also the solution.
42:55We can make changes.
43:02So my dad, in the end, he was an alcoholic by the way, and he got pancreatic cancer from that.
43:09And I didn't know how to process that at the time, but he lost all of his weight and become
43:13very old
43:13very quickly. And he got a terminal diagnosis and I just distanced myself from it because I didn't
43:16know how to deal with it. So he went to the hospital and then the next day we went to
43:20visit him and the
43:21nurse hadn't let me know that he had died. So I walked straight in through the room and I just
43:25saw him
43:25dead. And that was just a very, very shocking moment. But then I just suppressed everything
43:31and I just went out and took drugs and took alcohol and just life went on and suppressed all that.
43:35Because there was emotion from those things, for sure. Like I didn't experience that one,
43:39because I definitely blocked that out, but...
43:40Did you go to the funeral?
43:41Yeah. Yeah.
43:43How was the funeral?
43:51I thought it was a funeral. I really... The worst... I know, that's too far. I was going to... No,
43:59I'll be honest. The first thought that came to my mind was boring, but that's... It's because they're
44:03all the same, aren't they? Because again, I don't really get the concept of things like that. My dad's
44:09my biggest trauma. I did say like the girlfriend hit me the hardest, but I think my dad's the biggest
44:13trauma. Like I know that his words affected me the most and there's definitely something unresolved
44:18there. I've done a lot of work on it. I think there's more to do. I wouldn't say it's chapter
44:22closed. I'd say it's put neatly, nicely in a box at the point where it's at a good position now.
44:28And it felt good to work on it, but I've got more to do. I've done all sorts of therapy,
44:32psychotherapy,
44:33the rehab, all sorts of things from a mindset perspective. And I became very strong in my
44:40mindset, I believe, but there was still a lot of healing and a lot of emotional work that I
44:44wanted to do. So I did try all sorts of different unconventional things like plant medicines in Bali,
44:53like all sorts of different things like somatic work and energy healing. And the one that really
44:58worked was breath work. I'm maturing. I'm learning new things. That's recalibrating the way you're
45:03in the perspectives I have. Or I'm remembering other things. Or I get interviewed and get
45:07asked different questions that trigger different things in my mind. For now, I'm content knowing
45:12that I'm developing. I'm being successful. I have the significance that I've been craving all my life
45:16in a positive way that is sustainable. Like if anyone ever told me that I'd be on TV, doctorate,
45:23millionaire, all these crazy things, I would think you are crazy. Because I just, I would have been
45:28happy with a stable job and not taking drugs. So of course I'm happy about it. Does it give me
45:32that
45:33real deep internal content, fulfillment, happiness that yeah, I've made it and I'm who I am? No.
45:39Can I get there? I hope so. Am I there yet? I'm not sure. But I'm on an ever evolving
45:43quest. Like
45:44I'm 10 years into this journey, but I'm 36 years old. I've got another, you know, hopefully another 50,
45:4960, 70, 100 years, who knows, to keep on evolving.
45:54Hi, I'm a producer and authorised account. If you enjoyed this video,
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