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00:03Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Comedians!
00:43Three weeks ago, I'm in an aeroplane. I go to fly, right? I'm flying to Manchester.
00:49Walking out in the tarmac and there's a geezer standing there.
00:52If men was meant to fly, God would have given him wings!
00:59This is the pilot.
01:05Irish Fire Brigade in Dublin. Got a new fire engine.
01:09The chief fire officer said, lads, it's a very sad day today.
01:12The old fire engine's got to go and we've had it 40 years.
01:16And we love that old fire engine. But it's got to go.
01:20One of the Irish fellows stood up and said, sir, couldn't we use it for the false alarms?
01:31See, he ate his wine lodge burnt down in Liverpool yesterday. Left 400 men homeless.
01:44Oh, Irishman. Standing outside, barrack gates on guard.
01:50Oh, yes sir. All of a sudden, in the darkness, he heard a noise.
01:55He thought, what's that, what's that? Jesus, what's that? What's that?
02:01And he got his rifle, he went, Halt! Who goes there?
02:04The voice said, it's the army chaplain.
02:07He said, I'll tell you one more time, and if you don't give me the right answer, I'll be shooting
02:18you. Halt! Who goes there?
02:21He said, listen, my man, this is the army chaplain.
02:23And the paddy went, brrrr, walked over and he went, dead. It's never Charlie Chaplain.
02:38Do you remember the great train robbery? You remember that, don't you?
02:43And the fellow in his great train robbery, if you remember about two months afterwards,
02:48found 250,000 pounds. Do you remember that in a sec?
02:53He took it home, counted it out, 250,000 pounds.
03:00And he was just a regular sort of fellow, got a mortgage in it.
03:03He phoned up the authorities and handed it back 250,000 pounds.
03:08Now, this fellow lived next door to me.
03:10And all the reporters are running across the lawn and trying to get the story.
03:13And one come up to me and said, Mr. Reid? I said, yes.
03:16He said, what do you think?
03:17Well, I said, what can I think?
03:20He said, well, you know, like if you found 250,000 pounds, would you turn it in?
03:23I said, yeah, into a pillowcase.
03:29And then I would have called me a plane to the Congo,
03:33hired 10,000 mal-mal at a pound ahead,
03:37sat right in the middle of them while they were sharpening their spears
03:40and pointed blow darts and bows and arrows,
03:42and dared someone to come and ask me about 250,000 pounds.
03:53Moishe Diane was showing Cardinal Heedon round the Wailing Wall.
03:59He said, my son, what's this? He said, this is the Wailing Wall.
04:03He said, well, Father, you speak to the Wailing Wall and your wishes are granted.
04:08Please, God.
04:10So Cardinal Heedon said, I wish the trouble in Northern Ireland was all over.
04:13Five minutes later, it was all over.
04:16He said, I wish the trouble in Vietnam was all over.
04:18And ten minutes later, it was all over.
04:21He said, I wish the Jews would give all the land back to the Arabs and the canal and start
04:27again.
04:29And Moishe Diane said, no, you are talking to the wall.
04:37Mrs. Golden Mayor was talking to President Nixon.
04:42And he says, that's a wonderful thing your armies did in the Six Day War.
04:48Marvelous how you managed to beat all the Arabs.
04:51She says, well, we have no private soldiers. They're all generals.
04:55He said, well, I could do with some generals like that.
04:58She said, well, I'll give you 30 of my generals for two of your generals.
05:01He said, what two do you want?
05:03She said, General Electric and General Motors.
05:13I remember that once when Di's wife, God love her, Di's wife, she was dying at a very old age.
05:18And there was Di sitting by the bedside.
05:20And he was very, very forlorn.
05:22And she was saying, Di, I've been a good wife too, haven't I?
05:27Oh, damn girl, he said you have.
05:30She said, I've tried my best for you, haven't I?
05:33Oh, don't love it.
05:35Yes, you've always tried your best.
05:37She said, I've tried to have your dinner ready for when you come home from work.
05:41He said, your mom, love her, no.
05:45She said, I've always been faithful to you, Di.
05:48He said, I know, blood, but your mom, you've always been faithful to me.
05:54She said, can I have one last request before I go?
05:57He said, oh, anything you'll like, love, anything.
06:01She said, will you let my mother sit in the car with you in the funeral?
06:07She said, that's right, it's by my bloody day.
06:21Oh, I said, my brother was very unlucky.
06:24No, he was.
06:25He died.
06:34And me sister-in-law got him cremated, you know.
06:37And when we come back from the crematorium to the house for the boil dam,
06:45he'd left a note on a mantelpiece saying he wanted to be buried.
06:58No, he was dead unlucky, honestly.
07:03So I said to her, get in touch with the undertaker.
07:07And tend to rush the ashes through.
07:10So he'd get them in three days.
07:13I said, just hide the ace.
07:16We'll all go in our own cars.
07:20It was about 15 years ago.
07:21You know, we had that bad winter.
07:27I brought up this steep hill in Liverpool to the cemetery.
07:30I was dead icy.
07:31And we had to use his ashes to put under the wheels.
07:50I like the one about the alcoholic.
07:52He drunk wood varnish.
07:53He died a terrible death, but he had a lovely finish.
07:59Do you know, down in Wales, a lot of the old people,
08:01a lot of the old people like to enjoy themselves on a Sunday
08:03by going for a walk and having a drink.
08:05And one Sunday afternoon, I went for a walk
08:07and outside this pub, I saw a little old man,
08:10grey hair, grey beard, wrinkled face.
08:11And I said, my God, you're looking marvellous.
08:13How do you account for that?
08:14He said, I smoke as many fags as I can every day.
08:20I drink as much beer as I can every day
08:23and I'm out with a different woman every night.
08:26I said, it's marvellous. How old are you?
08:28He said, I'll be 22 next birthday.
08:39This little rabbit kept rushing up the borough,
08:43pinching a little bit of carrot and down the borough.
08:45And this rat was watching.
08:47Thought, I'll have you.
08:50And he came up the borough, just touched a little bit of carrot
08:53and the rat was on him, like that.
08:55And this little squirrel up a tree got a big nut
08:57and straight behind the ear all over the rat.
09:00And the rat had to let go.
09:02And the rabbit's rushing down the borough and it turned back,
09:05waved to the little squirrel and said,
09:06a nice one, squirrel.
09:16A lot of people aren't about doing religious gags.
09:18It reminds me of the time when a little woman walks into confession.
09:22She gets into the chamber, into the old box there.
09:24And there's a little priest just like Barry Fitzgerald.
09:27She said, Father, I've come to confess.
09:29He says, oh, sure, no.
09:32You're not from this parish, are you?
09:35You're not from this parish.
09:36She said, no, as a matter of fact, I'm with a travelling circus.
09:40He says, oh, glory be, I love the circus.
09:43I've never seen the circus in me life.
09:46He said, tell me, are you one of the trapezi artists,
09:49the ones that do the backflips in the ring?
09:51She says, as a matter of fact, I am.
09:54He said, would you like to please an old man
09:56and do a few backflips down the aisle for me?
09:59She said, this is the house of God.
10:01He said, don't worry.
10:02I'll square it with the old fella up there.
10:05So she went out into the aisle of the church
10:07and she did five backflips.
10:08With that, an old girl gets out of the congregation
10:10and starts to walk out.
10:12A maid says, where you going, Mary?
10:13She says, sure, now, if that's what the priest is asking for penance,
10:17I'm off home to put me knickers on.
10:29They said.
10:57Let me give her a try and say,
12:28An adventurous pirate called Bates attempted the rumba on skates.
12:32He fell on his cutlass, which rendered him no...
12:35No, we can't do that.
12:40Hey, well, that's nice.
12:42That's lovely.
12:45Laugh, I nearly passed my fag down, had it?
12:46True.
12:48Long John Silver came back from a Caribbean cruise.
12:52He'd been away getting his fettlers fixed.
12:55He got back home to Rochdale, and he got to his house, and Miss Purity was lying in bed,
13:01await.
13:02Yeah, verily, come to me.
13:06Hit me a bready.
13:11And Long John...
13:12Hey, come on.
13:15Long John laid in bed next to her, unscrewed his wooden leg, and he laid down on the other
13:24mad half hour.
13:28And at the end of it, he leaned over to Miss Purity, and he gave her a loving kiss.
13:32And she looked at him, and in a beautiful Geordie accent, she said,
13:35What be that for, me old bucko?
13:41He said, Miss Purity, he said, that be for being a good lover.
13:45Ha-ha-ha!
13:46Oh-ha-ha!
13:47Get off me, bloody parrot.
13:52And Miss Purity went under the bed, and she got hold of his wooden leg, because he'd
13:57have moved.
14:00And she beat the devil out of his head.
14:02He said, what be that for?
14:03She said, that be for knowing the difference.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:14The wife said to me last week, she said, what's the weather like outside?
14:20I said, I don't know.
14:20I can't see it for the fog.
14:23LAUGHTER
14:26And I'm driving in the fog.
14:27I'm doing about six miles an hour behind this big American car in front of me.
14:30I thought, I'll let him do all the work.
14:31So I followed him for six miles.
14:33He stopped dead.
14:33No signals.
14:34Bump, I hit him.
14:34I said, hey, stupid.
14:36I didn't know his first name.
14:39I said, don't you signal when you stop in the fog?
14:41He said, what, my own garage.
14:43LAUGHTER
14:48I got back in my car,
14:51and I'm driving in the fog, and I got lost on the Yorkshire moors in the thick fog.
14:55I got out in my car to see what it was.
14:57I couldn't find my car in the fog.
14:59I heard this noise, I said, help!
15:02Can you tell me where I'm going?
15:06And a voice answered, in the river.
15:09I'm just coming out.
15:21A very old fairy story, one of my favourite fairy stories, is about Mark Anthony.
15:25Do you remember Mark Anthony?
15:26Do you remember Mark Anthony?
15:28Who was he?
15:30One night, Mark Anthony put his night shirt on, and he lit his candle, and he went upstairs
15:34to Bobo's.
15:36He put the candle on the side of the bed, and he nicked it out.
15:38He was just dropping off, and he had a voice saying, Mark, Mark.
15:47So he gets up, he likes the candle, he looks around the room, he can't see anything, but
15:50he can still hear this voice going, Mark, Mark.
15:57So he creeps down and says, I had a look in the street, there's nothing in the street.
16:02Mark, Mark.
16:07So he ran down the street, looked over the wall, and there was a dog with a hair lip
16:09going, Mark.
16:12Mark.
16:16I don't get it, but I like it.
16:20This artist, I went to this chemist, he said, I want something that will cure a headache fast.
16:23The chemist said, nothing acts faster than anidine.
16:26He said, a packet of nothing.
16:35Little lad, little lad, this is true, this, little lad, he'd got no roof in his mouth.
16:40He used to get salt when it rained.
16:45And he said to his mother one day, he said, hey, mother, why do I speak like this?
16:52Oh, she said, I don't know, ask your dad.
16:54He said, all right, mother, I went.
16:55He said, hey, dad, why do I speak like this?
16:58He said, I don't know, ask your teacher.
17:00He said, I will.
17:01He's going down to world school, and there's the milkman, come with the milk.
17:04He said, excuse me, milkman, why do I speak like this?
17:07He said, I don't bloody hell, she now I know.
17:14I don't know what I'd do with that.
17:16I know.
17:18Listen, this fella, this fella went for a job, see.
17:21He went for a job in a precision tool works, as a machinist.
17:26And as you know, like, in a precision tool works, you've got to be very accurate, and
17:31on the ball, and correct.
17:34I don't know how I keep coming out with these marvellous words.
17:37But you've got to be, like, dead on.
17:41That's why they call it precision tool works.
17:44So he went in for the interview, see.
17:46So the manager said, right.
17:47He said, now, one or two particulars.
17:48He said, what's your name?
17:48The fella said, Rutt.
17:50He said, Rutt?
17:50He said, yes.
17:51He said, are you TT?
17:52He said, no, I have two pints every night.
17:55He said, look up.
18:00He said, now, look.
18:00He said, let's get one of the cut of things straight.
18:02He said, this is a precision tool works.
18:04He said, you've got a very responsible job.
18:05You've got to be on the ball.
18:06You've got to be pretty accurate to get this.
18:08He said, now, what happened with your last job?
18:10He said, well, I must be quite honest.
18:12He said, I got the sack.
18:13He said, you never.
18:15The sack?
18:16He said, what for?
18:17He said, well, he said, I was two thou out.
18:19He said, two thou out?
18:21Is that all?
18:23He said, where did you work?
18:24He said, the National Westminster Bank.
18:31Oh, God.
18:34The fellow goes to the fortune teller.
18:37He said, sit down.
18:38And he sits down.
18:39And she looks at a crystal ball.
18:40And she said, tomorrow, you'll be late for work.
18:46You'll get to work.
18:47You'll have no break.
18:48You'll have fish for lunch.
18:50In the afternoon, you'll get a terrible headache.
18:53You'll go home and have an awful row with your wife.
18:56He said, that happened yesterday.
18:58He picked the ball up.
18:59He said, bloody thing stopped.
19:08This nun, this nun, she went to Mother Superior.
19:13She said, Mother Superior, my bra's bust.
19:18She said, remember where you are.
19:20You're a daughter of the church.
19:22She said, oh, my cup runneth over.
19:30So this vicar has talked to the congregation, see.
19:32He's talked to the congregation all about, uh, sex.
19:37When he got home in the evening, vicar's wife said, well, darling, how did the lecture go?
19:40He said, marvellous, my dear, marvellous.
19:47She said, what did you speak on?
19:48He said, a platform.
19:53She said, I mean, what did you talk about?
19:55Well, he didn't like to say sex in front of his wife, did he?
19:58He said, um, um, sailing.
20:02Oh, she said, sailing.
20:03I didn't know you knew anything about that.
20:04He said, it's surprising what you're reading books, my dear.
20:07So the next day, the wife went to the women's guild, and lots of the women were at the lecture
20:10the night before,
20:11and they said to the vicar's wife, she said, your husband last night, he was marvellous.
20:15He was.
20:15He was marvellous.
20:17Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
20:18Speaking on that subject, we didn't realise he knew so much about it.
20:21And she said, well, neither did I, because he's only done it twice.
20:28And the first time he was sick, he said, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
20:33And the second time his hat blew off.
20:35Listen.
20:41Well, I must tell you this, I must tell you, because I haven't heard this myself, it's a lovely story.
20:45You know, you've been to Blackpool, haven't you?
20:46You've been to Blackpool.
20:47Yeah.
20:48Well, between Blackpool and Fleetwood, there's a tram track, isn't there?
20:53Run...
20:56Is it fire practice?
20:57Oh, are we all right?
21:02There's a tram track, runs right along the front.
21:03Now, I want you to imagine the scene.
21:05Four o'clock in the morning, there's a tram going from Blackpool to Fleetwood, back to
21:08the depot.
21:13And it's raining.
21:14It's coming.
21:16God, it's coming.
21:19And this tram, it's going along, back to Fleetwood, it's finished.
21:22The tram driver's there, hand on his lever.
21:25And the wipers are going, and it's flooded, it's coming down.
21:30Four o'clock in the morning, and he's going on, and he just gets through Cleveland, and
21:34between Cleveland and Fleetwood, it gets a bit barren, doesn't it?
21:36And there's not much about it, either, you know.
21:39Go, it's pouring.
21:40And he's going along, four o'clock, and he sees this lone figure unto me come, walking,
21:46up the side of the track, and he's soaked.
21:49No mack, nothing.
21:50He's dripping.
21:51And the tram driver, he stops, he takes pity on him, he stops the tram.
21:54He opens the door, he said, Fleetwood?
21:56And this fellow said, straight on!
22:08I like that one, isn't it?
22:09Knock out, isn't it?
22:11Listen, listen, this is true, now listen.
22:15There's a boxer dog and an Alsatian, and ever since they were puppies, ever since they were
22:20tight, they used to go out together, regardless what the day was, New Year's Day, Christmas
22:24Day, every morning, eight o'clock, they'd meet on the corner of the road, and go for
22:28a walk.
22:30The boxer stand there one night, and the Alsatian never turned up, he thought, I wonder where
22:35that rotter is.
22:37First time he's ever let me down at his.
22:40Pesky times, nearly nine o'clock, he's still ain't here.
22:43I bet it's that new job he's got, as a guard dog.
22:46I go down and see him, so the boxer trotted off, gone down to this where this Alsatian was
22:51a guard dog, found holding the fence, and put his eye to it.
22:56And he sees his mate at the Alsatian, and he went,
22:59Oi!
23:03The Alsatian come over and went,
23:05Yeah?
23:11The boxer said,
23:12Where was you this morning?
23:15The Alsatian went,
23:16Couldn't get out, the governor come in early, and he locked me in.
23:19The boxer said, Turn it in.
23:21He said,
23:22He said, Come out now.
23:23The Alsatian said, Can't get out, it's all locked up.
23:26The boxer said, Jump over the fence.
23:28The Alsatian said, What?
23:29He said, Jump over the fence.
23:30The Alsatian went,
23:34It's a bit high, isn't it?
23:36The boxer said, Come on, you can do it.
23:40The Alsatian said, Nah, blow the hitter.
23:43If I fall, I'll wind up with a face like yours.
24:01The comedians tonight were
24:04Mike Reed,
24:05Bernard Manning,
24:07Eddie Flanagan,
24:09Bryn Phillips,
24:11Jim Bowen,
24:13Jimmy Marshall,
24:15Mike Burton,
24:17and Dave Butler.
24:20The Alsatian is doing it.
24:21The Alsatian is doing it.
24:36The Alsatian has done it.
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