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00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedian!
00:40Thank you very much. I've been on my holidays, you know. Every day is holiday for me.
00:46But I went to Morocco. That's in Africa, isn't it?
00:51And it was smashing, you know. We went on one of these very old planes.
00:55It was an old-fashioned one, you know. The toilet was outside and...
01:02You get it?
01:09And what else was I going to tell you?
01:12And we were flying across the channel and we got a puncture and...
01:19And someone said, bail out. I said, why? He said, the water's coming in.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:29Hey, and then I heard this voice come over the intercom.
01:36That's this microphone that they talked through to me on the plane.
01:39And it was the pilot, I think, that was talking because he said,
01:43your number one engine has failed, so...
01:48LAUGHTER
01:50We'll be an hour late.
01:52LAUGHTER
01:55And then five minutes late, he said, number three, engine has failed.
01:59Because he taught posture when his pilot's story.
02:02He was very old, this pilot. He was called Pontius.
02:05LAUGHTER
02:07APPLAUSE
02:12He said, number three, engine, has failed.
02:15And this fella next to me, he said,
02:17I hope number four doesn't stop, cos we'll be up here all night.
02:21LAUGHTER
02:23APPLAUSE
02:26Oh, me mam tell me that one.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:31I love a good laugh, don't you?
02:34Yeah, good lads, better than a dose of Epsom salts in here.
02:37He can't...
02:38Hey, oh, don't, oh, don't.
02:43No, though, this white hunter, you know, I shouldn't say that, really.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:49No, he went out to Africa and he discovered...
02:51He discovered this little pygmy tribe.
02:53They called it Elawi tribe, you know.
02:56And he thought it's a funny name, this, for a tribe.
02:58But he got rape-friendly, so the chief said to him, he said,
03:01Would I like to come out... Cos he's not like that, this chief, you see.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:08He said, Would I like to come on a hunting trip with his old lad?
03:10He said, Aye, I'll make one.
03:13He said, Right.
03:14So he took quite off, cos it was wham, it's wham over there, you know.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20LAUGHTER
03:22And they're off into the jungle and the...
03:23He said, Hey, oh, he said, Before we go any farther, old lad,
03:25he said, Why did they call your tribe Elawi?
03:30LAUGHTER
03:30He said, Well, I'll tell the old lad.
03:33He said, That's his, When we're hunting,
03:35we generally get in this elephant grass.
03:37He said, It's rate A.
03:38He said, And I'll see our hunters jumping up and shouting,
03:40Where the hell are we?
03:41Where the hell...
03:42LAUGHTER
03:45APPLAUSE
03:49The fella wanted a job as a grave digger.
03:52He went to the cemetery, he said, The money good?
03:54He said, You don't get a lot of money, he said.
03:56Get a lot of tips.
03:57Get him mingling.
03:58He said, Look, there's a hearse coming in now, you handle it.
04:01In it come, he gets mingling.
04:02The fella comes up and he says, You the grave digger?
04:04He said, Yes, yes.
04:06He said, Did you smoke?
04:07He said, Oh, yes, yes.
04:09He said, Did you drink?
04:09He said, Yes, yes.
04:11He said, You want to turn it in?
04:12He's just killed his bloody fella down here.
04:19The old colonel, the old colonel in Pune, he said,
04:22Man, I must warn you of the deadly boomer snake.
04:25A horrible thing, gentlemen, that long, black and yellow rings.
04:29Only one way to kill it.
04:30You grab the black part of the tail very quickly.
04:32What?
04:33So he paralysed it.
04:34Very quickly you go, Black, yellow, black, yellow, black, yellow.
04:37When you get to its head, you slowly choke it to death.
04:41It's only two days, sorry.
04:42Two days.
04:44After being told, I was in the jungle.
04:46And there before me was the deadly boomer.
04:49I couldn't see its head.
04:50But I grabbed the black part of the tail very quickly.
04:52So he paralysed it.
04:53Very quickly I went, Black, yellow, black, yellow, black, yellow.
04:56And then you look then.
04:57I was confronted by the biggest tiger's bum you ever saw.
05:07Oh, dear me.
05:09You're a good audience.
05:10I love audience.
05:10I love people, you know.
05:11I don't want you to worry of a decision problem.
05:14See, I've been out lecturing.
05:20I don't want you to worry about it.
05:24I don't want you to worry about it.
05:46They're like that.
05:46You're not very helpful.
05:48She says, what will you be when you grow up?
05:52He said, well, to be quite true for your teacher, I'll be a white slave trader.
06:00She said, well, what makes you think that?
06:04He said, well, me dad tell me if I study hardy enough and study well, he said, I'll be able
06:11to buy and sell these white kids.
06:18I feel sorry for this guy I'm going to tell you about.
06:22There's a Polish man.
06:23He's on a cruise, you see, on a ship.
06:25And, of course, he's Polish or German, whatever you want to think.
06:28And he can't speak a word of English.
06:31He can't speak a single word of English, you see.
06:33Every morning or every afternoon, he'd go down to the restaurant on the ship and he couldn't
06:37order a meal because he couldn't understand what was written on the menu.
06:40So he was in his cabin and he was starving.
06:43And a week went by and he had nothing to eat, you see.
06:44So, luckily, he met another Polish fellow on the same ship and on the same cruise.
06:49So he said, who spoke a little bit of English?
06:52So he said, look, he said, I'm having these terrible problems in Polish.
06:55It was rice.
06:58Something like that.
06:59And he said, I can't order anything to eat.
07:01So the other fellow said, oh, he's from, well, I was in rice.
07:05In Polish.
07:06And he said, one ham roll and one cup of tea.
07:09So the fellow sat up all night learning this, you see.
07:11One ham roll and one cup of tea.
07:14So the following morning, he went into the sort of restaurant on the ship and he said, the
07:17waiter, come over, he just said, he said, one ham roll and one cup of tea.
07:24Certainly, sir.
07:25Ham roll and a cup of tea was there.
07:26Of course, this was, he was great.
07:27He was eating.
07:28But this went on for a week and he was sick of one ham roll and one cup of tea.
07:33So he called the same Polish fellow and he said, look, he said, you'll have to help
07:35me out.
07:36He said, in Polish, like, it's right.
07:38Whatever it was.
07:39He said, I'm getting sick and tired of one ham roll and one cup of tea.
07:42So what else do you know?
07:42And all this other fellow knew was two boiled eggs.
07:46So he sat up all night going, two boiled eggs.
07:49Two boiled eggs.
07:50He said, he got it off right.
07:50The following morning, he went down to breakfast and he said to the waiter, the waiter, come over,
07:53he said, yes, sir.
07:53He said, two boiled eggs.
07:55He said, certainly, sir.
07:56Hard or soft?
07:57He said, one ham roll.
07:59And one cup of tea.
08:08This fellow on a desert island, on a desert island with six beautiful girls and they had
08:14a meeting between themselves and they said, well, get fed up if he's with six of us all
08:17the time.
08:18So every day, five of us will go over to the other side of the island and he can keep
08:21one
08:22of us company all day.
08:23And they made a rota system out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
08:26And on Sunday, they let him have a day off, you see.
08:30And they all went over the other side of the island and he read the papers and had a
08:35rest, you see.
08:36And after, it gets dafted.
08:41After about three months, he was getting a bit tired and fed up and everything.
08:45And he saw a raft with another fellow on coming up to the island and he thought, oh, great,
08:50a few more days off here.
08:51This is going to be marvellous.
08:52Another fellow.
08:53And this other fellow arrived and they pulled him off the beach and this other fellow got
08:56off his raft and he said, thank you very much, ducky.
09:03No.
09:05The fellow who's been there for three months looked round, he says, bang goes me Sundays.
09:15I like the one about the fellow and he's a butler in a house, you see, and a very wealthy
09:20lady owns this house.
09:21And she says one day, James, because that was his name, the butler, she said, James, come
09:26into my bedroom.
09:26So he went in and she said, James, take my dress off.
09:30So he took her dress off and she said, James, don't ever wear my clothes again.
09:40The fellow dashed into a barber's shop and there were six people waiting and he said,
09:44I'll come back later and he dashed out again.
09:46The following day he was in again and there were a few people waiting.
09:49So he said, I'll come back later and he went out again.
09:51Twelve months later, his hair's down here.
09:54But he still comes in and he said, I'll come back later.
09:57And the barber said, quick, to his assistant, he said, leave what you're doing, follow him
10:01and find out where he goes.
10:03So the assistant came back 20 minutes later.
10:05The barber said, where did he go?
10:06He says, round to your house.
10:14This Indian palace, he's taking away.
10:17They were so worried, they were actually drawing a border in between Russia and India because
10:23they've got all this trouble with the Iron Curtain and all that.
10:26They were actually drawing a border on the ground.
10:29So these Russian fellows were moving this car with a line and they come across this mud hut.
10:34So they thought, it's bang in the middle of the line where they were going to go.
10:38So they were better given the chance.
10:39So they knocked on the door.
10:40What are you wanting?
10:42What do you want to do?
10:43He said, well, we are actually marking out the border in between Russia and India.
10:50Sir, your house is bang in the middle of the line where we are going.
10:56You have the opportunity.
10:57You can either live in Russia, we go round your back door.
11:03Or you live in India and we go round your front door.
11:06It's entirely up to you, comrade.
11:09He said, oh, thank you for giving me the opportunity for the choice, sir.
11:13But I am insisting that I live in India.
11:16I must live.
11:17You go round the front door and I must live in India, sir.
11:20I always want to live in India.
11:21He said, you seem very emphatic about this.
11:24You want to live in India?
11:25Why are you so emphatic?
11:27You must live there.
11:28He said, I don't live in Russia enough to have the terrible weather they have.
11:31Why are you so emphatic?
12:02Why are you so emphatic?
12:03Why are you so emphatic?
12:09Why are you so emphatic?
13:41This Pakistani might have a Scots gun and she had a baby.
13:43It was a pack-a-mac.
13:48Do you watch the Olympic Games?
13:50Mark Spitz, the swimmer, got a good job now, in Venice, Bucky's runner.
13:58Thank you, Mary.
14:01Three men in hospital, lay in bed side by side.
14:03One said, they've cut my legs off.
14:06Someone said, they've cut my arms off.
14:07I wish I'd changed the subject.
14:14The daughter said to this Irish fella, well, Pat, it's no use.
14:16You'll just have to be circumcised.
14:18That's all right.
14:18It's no skin off my nose.
14:25This Irish fella, this is true, this Irish fella, IRA, IRA, officer, he flew to London,
14:32he asked for political asylum and sent the House of Commons.
14:37This Irish fella's in his house and he's making faces at this goldfish.
14:42He goes, what are you doing?
14:43He said, don't blame me, he started it.
14:50We're all on drugs in this show, in all the comedies, all on drugs.
14:52I'm on snuff and centipods myself.
14:56The snuff makes you sneeze, the centipods dares you to.
15:05There's a pal of mine who worked in a hotel in Bournemouth, the Belvedere.
15:14He talked like that.
15:16Got no roof in his mouth, he got salt last week when it rained.
15:25He said to me, hey, hey, what are you doing tonight?
15:28I said, I'm going to go to a dance and get a bird.
15:29I took a bird out of his head.
15:30You don't have to go and dance and get a bird.
15:32I've got a load of telephone numbers.
15:34I just picked the telephone, I dialed his number and get the birds.
15:38I get two 1-8s, me and you, we're laughing.
15:40What cost him a penny?
15:42He got on the phone, he dialed his number and said, hello, hello, is that you, Donny?
15:46I bet he can't guess who this is.
15:51So this Asian fella walked into the pub, you see, because everything's open for him now.
15:55It's all, the carpets are down and they've been let in, haven't they?
15:59Got a free licence now.
16:02So he walked into this pub and the barman spotted this Asian fella, Milo, he dashed
16:07out the way.
16:08Got out the way, he wouldn't serve him.
16:10He said to the boss, he said, there's an Asian fella in there.
16:12He said, well, charge him 10 bob a pint.
16:1510 bob a pint, lovely.
16:18Out he went.
16:19The next day there was half a dozen come in.
16:21Half a dozen with this fella.
16:23He said, there's half a dozen come in.
16:24He said, charge him 15 bob a pint.
16:2615 bob a pint?
16:28Well, on the Friday, the place was full of them.
16:30Full!
16:31You couldn't move for them.
16:34So this, this barman went to the boss, he said, hey, the place is full of these black
16:37fellas.
16:38He'll get all these white swines out.
16:51I've just come back from me holidays, you know, been to Israel.
16:53Went over to see Gerry Harris's relations.
16:57Lovely country, I said, I went to see the Wheeling Wall.
16:59You couldn't get near it for Manchester United supporters.
17:10Talking about football, I see Malcolm Ollison has been signed by Arsenal as their coach.
17:15They're going to take his teeth out and put 40 seats in.
17:23We've got a great drink in Ireland called poteen.
17:26You've probably heard of it.
17:27It's very illegal.
17:28Two glasses of it over here in Liverpool, for example.
17:31You'd be sticking your hand in the Mersey Tunnel looking for rabbits.
17:33It's very, you know.
17:36Well, Murphy was up in court the other week for making the poteen and the judge says,
17:39Murphy, what have you got to say for yourself?
17:41Guilty or not guilty?
17:42Murphy says, not guilty, your honour.
17:43Judge says, Murphy, you're a dirty, stinking, filthy, horrible, ignominious liar.
17:48It wasn't only last week that the guards went into your house and found all the equipment
17:53for making this stuff.
17:54Now, how do you plead?
17:55Murphy says, still not guilty, your honour, and come to think of it,
17:58if that's all the evidence you've got against me, you might as well accuse me of rape as well.
18:03Judge says, Murphy, have you raped somebody?
18:04Murphy says, no, sir, but I've got the equipment.
18:13Three little kids.
18:16A Protestant kid, a Catholic kid, and a Jewish kid.
18:19And it's Christmas, and they're talking.
18:21So they say to their little Protestant kid, what do you do on Christmas Day?
18:26He says, well, I get up, and I come downstairs, and I go in the living room,
18:30and Father Christmas has been, and he's left me all these toys.
18:34And I play with these toys, and I go to bed at nine o'clock.
18:37So they say to their little Catholic kid, what do you do on Christmas Day?
18:41He says, well, I get up as well, come downstairs, and we go to early mass,
18:46sing a few hymns, come home, go in the living room, and Father Christmas has been.
18:50And he's left me all these toys, and I play with these toys,
18:53and I go to bed at nine o'clock.
18:55So they say to their little Jewish kid, what do you do on Christmas Day?
18:59He says, well, I get up, as a matter of fact.
19:05I come downstairs, and I get in my father's Rolls-Royce,
19:08and we drive to our toy factory.
19:11We go in the toy factory, and we see all these empty shells.
19:15And he says, we sing three choruses, of, oh, what a friend we have in Jesus,
19:19and we all fly off to Mallorca.
19:29Two fellas meet in the street, one said the other one, how you going?
19:31Bill, he said, oh, he said, oh, he said, oh, he said, oh, he said, oh, he said, oh, he
19:34said, oh, he said, I'm going all right, aren't I?
19:36He said, anything?
19:37No, he said, well, he said, yeah, he said, you know, you know, my, you, how, you, you, how long,
19:43hey, he said, how long since you've seen my budgie?
19:45He said, your budgie?
19:47What a funny way to start a conversation.
19:49What do you mean, your budgie?
19:50He said, well, how long since you've seen it?
19:52Well, he said, I don't know.
19:53He said, about, about eight weeks, I suppose.
19:55He said, you should see it now.
19:59He said, what do you mean?
20:00He said, my budgie?
20:01What do you?
20:01He said, you know, the missus works down in one of these factories
20:04where they do all this improving of food, like, for pigs, ferrets, rabbits, chickens.
20:08Well, they've invented this new budgie seed that you put in the budgie's cage
20:11and when the budgie eats it, it makes all its feathers nice and glossy,
20:15all its chest come out and it makes it much bigger too.
20:19He said, how big's your budgie?
20:21He said, six foot.
20:28He said, six foot, turn it in.
20:31He said, I'm telling you, my budgie's six foot.
20:34Listen to this, I'll prove it.
20:35This morning, the lodger got out of bed.
20:37He's come downstairs to make a cup of coffee.
20:40He's just putting the kettle on the stove
20:41and as he's putting the kettle on the stove,
20:43the flames were licking all round the bottom of the kettle
20:45when all of a sudden, this great big beak
20:49come round his neck on his jugular vein
20:51and a big, deep voice boomed,
20:54and who's a pretty boy now, then?
21:05There was this mate of mine,
21:07he was obsessed with becoming a doctor.
21:10Now, just outside Blackburn, there's a college of F.E.
21:14Further education.
21:16And this mate of mine, he thought,
21:18I must get my hypochondriac horse.
21:19I must get it.
21:21So I went to see the principal of the college,
21:25knocked on the wall door,
21:28and this principal opened the door.
21:30He said, what do you want?
21:30He said, I want to be a doctor.
21:31And the principal said, have no fear,
21:33get yourself down to my college.
21:36We do a five-year, fully comprehensive,
21:38comprehensive,
21:40covers everything, of course.
21:44So for five years, my mate worked his,
21:46he worked hard for five years.
21:49And at the end of the five years,
21:50the surgeon who'd been examining,
21:52who'd been testing him,
21:53he said, you've done awfully well.
21:55He said, you've passed all your tests here.
21:56He said, all you've got to do now,
21:57he said, you've got to go down to London,
21:58and you've got to see the head of the BMA,
22:01the British Medical Association.
22:02He's a German doctor called Hirsch Eisenbucket.
22:04He said, well, I'll get down and see him.
22:08So he went down to London,
22:10he got off the train at Austen,
22:13and he went down Savile Row,
22:15where all the doctors live.
22:16And he saw this...
22:19He saw this brass plate on this wall,
22:21it said Hirsch...
22:21He thought, this is the fella.
22:23Dip your bread in, tell him nothing.
22:26Let him buy a programme.
22:28He went up the stairs,
22:29and he knocked on the door,
22:30and this German doctor opened the door,
22:31and he's standing there on his cell by his own,
22:33white smock,
22:34fibreglass jockstrap,
22:35the lot.
22:39He said, you're from Blackburn?
22:40He said, I am, yes.
22:41He said, and you've worked...
22:41He said, for five years I've worked hard.
22:43He said, and you've come for your final test?
22:45He said, I have.
22:45He said, well, if you can answer me these four questions,
22:47you'll pass out as a doctor.
22:49Dip your bread in,
22:50you've cracked it.
22:51He said, ask me the questions.
22:52He said, I'd like you to give me four reasons
22:54why mother's milk
22:55is better than processed milk
22:56for young babies.
22:58He said, four reasons for processing milk
23:00for young babies.
23:01One, it's more hygienic.
23:03The surgeon said, right,
23:04tick.
23:04He said, two,
23:05it's cheaper.
23:07The surgeon said, right,
23:08tick.
23:08He said, three,
23:10it's handy to take on picnics.
23:20He said, four,
23:22the cats can't get at it.
23:23He said, right.
23:26All good.
23:37The comedians tonight were Ken Goodwin,
23:41Charlie Williams,
23:42Jerry Harris,
23:44Russ Abbott,
23:45Colleen Grumpton,
23:47Dougie Brown,
23:48Jimmy Marshall,
23:50Joss White,
23:51Pat Cooney,
23:53Brian Lewis,
23:54Mike Reed,
23:55and Jim Bowen.
23:57Jim Bowen.
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