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00:03Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedian!
00:38Irishman ran into a bank with a sawed-off shotgun.
00:41Made the right mess of it, sawed the wrong end off.
00:46What about the Irishman who got a job on the railways as a wheel topper?
00:50And he scrapped 39 pair of wheels before he found out the hammer was cracked.
00:59I wasn't feeling too well this morning, I went to the doctor's.
01:01Somebody had been coaxing me into drinking.
01:03Walked in the doctor's this morning, there was a nun sitting in the waiting room crying her eyes out.
01:07I walked into the doctor and says, doctor, do you realise there's a nun out there crying her eyes out?
01:11The doctor says, yes, as a matter of fact, I've just told her she's pregnant.
01:15I said, she's not, is she? He says, no, but it's cured her hiccups.
01:24Murphy's brother, he's living in Ballybutton.
01:26That's a naval base in Ireland.
01:29Him and Dooley are standing at the corner of the street one day and they haven't got a penny between
01:33them.
01:33They're skint and they're dying for a drink.
01:35Murphy says, what are we going to do to get ourselves a drink?
01:37Dooley says, I'll tell you what to see.
01:39Malone, Paddy Malone died last night.
01:41We'll go up to the house, we'll pass our condolences to the widow.
01:44She'll probably ask us to stay for a drink.
01:45There's a wake on.
01:46Well, they walk in, see the widow Malone.
01:48We say, I'm very sorry to hear about poor Paddy.
01:49Oh, she says, come in, lads.
01:51The drink's over in the corner.
01:52Well, they're drinking for three days and three nights at this wake.
01:55And on the very third night, the night before the burial, the widow Malone comes over.
01:59She says, I have a problem, lads, and you may be able to help me.
02:01I don't know whether I should have poor Pad buried or whether I should have him cremated.
02:05And Murphy says, why don't you have him stuffed and keep the party going?
02:14Three, hey, three, come here, I'll tell you all.
02:19Three pigs walked into the bar, you see.
02:20And one says, a port lemon, please.
02:22The other said, a port lemon, please.
02:23And the third one said, 14 pints a bitter.
02:25Thank you very much.
02:28He said, you can't drink 14 pints a bitter.
02:30He said, I'm a little pig.
02:31Give him a wee, wee, wee, wee, all the way.
02:38The new policeman on duty, he had the awful job.
02:41His first day he'd ever been on the police force, he had to go and tell this woman that
02:44her husband had been killed at work.
02:45And he said, how will I do that?
02:47The scientist said, don't worry.
02:48He said, your best thing is, when you arrive at the door and the lady comes, he said, what
02:52you can do is you best cause a surprise or give her a shock of some other sort.
02:56And then while she's thinking about that, you can inform her of her bad news and it'll
02:59be all right because we've all got the job to do.
03:01So he walked to their house and went, knocked on the door.
03:07She said, oh, it's in.
03:12No, it's in.
03:14She didn't do that.
03:15I just put that in for a laugh.
03:18He knocked on the door, you see, and the woman opened the door and he stood and shouted,
03:21I said, boo, your husband's dead.
03:31Little girl says to her, she says, she said, mammy, mam, she said, how long is a tube of
03:36toothpaste?
03:38She said, what do you want to know that?
03:39She said, how long is a tube of toothpaste?
03:41She said, it's about that long a family size.
03:44She said, oh no, mammy, she said, it's gone twice round the washbasin, up the side of the
03:48back.
03:53I must tell you about my mate, Tommy.
03:55He's been married 22 years.
03:56He's got 22 kids.
03:58His wife's never heard of Orlicks.
04:05Right, 22 of them.
04:07They don't have a babysitter.
04:08They have a shepherd.
04:12So many nappies hanging up to dry in the kitchen, it causes a rainbow.
04:19He takes them all to the park on Sundays and the ducks feed them.
04:25Sling little worms up.
04:29He's got one little girl, Debbie, she's called, and she's four.
04:32And she thinks the world of her dad.
04:33Because kids do when they're four, don't they?
04:36They don't know them.
04:39He bought her a little puppy dog for a birthday present and he house-trained it himself.
04:43Every day for about three months he was at it.
04:45On the paper.
04:49On the paper.
04:52Eventually he trained it and he had to start all over again.
04:55Not while I'm reading it.
05:07She's lovely as Debbie.
05:08She goes to Sunday school and the teacher said to the class,
05:10can any little boy or girl tell me where Jesus lives?
05:13Little Debbie four.
05:14She says, please, teacher, Jesus lives in our bathroom.
05:18Teacher says, how do you make that out?
05:20She says, well, every morning my dad hammers on the door and says,
05:22Jesus, are you still in there?
05:33Two Irish fellas building a great big brick chimney.
05:36One of those great big factory brick chimneys.
05:38Big tall thing.
05:40And Mick's put the last brick on top.
05:42He says, hey, Pat, we've made the right mistake here.
05:44He said, why?
05:46He said, we're reading the plans upside down.
05:47This one's supposed to be a well.
06:01I said, that one fellow got broke down on the motorway.
06:04Broke down the car on the motorway.
06:05It cost him five pounds to get pulled off the motorway.
06:08Three miles.
06:09He said, it cost you five pounds to get dragged off the motorway,
06:11towed off the motorway.
06:13He said, oh, I made him work for his money.
06:15I kept me brakes on all the way along.
06:23He said, look at that, look at that.
06:27She said, are you sure it was lost?
06:28He said, yeah.
06:29Seemed a fellow looking for it.
06:36Schoolteacher at the top of the class.
06:37Little lad put his hand up at the back.
06:39She said, go on, Charlie.
06:40You know what it is, don't you?
06:40He said, yeah.
06:42Ten minutes later, he came back, crying his eyes out.
06:44She said, what are you crying for?
06:45He said, I couldn't find it.
06:47Couldn't find it.
06:50She said, George, take him down.
06:51He said, OK.
06:54Five minutes later, he came back.
06:55He said, you find it, George?
06:56He said, yeah.
06:57He had his underpants on back to front.
07:13I know a fellow.
07:14This is true.
07:16This is true.
07:17I know a fellow who's got a great big house.
07:19He's got this enormous house with hundreds of rooms in it.
07:22And the smallest room he's got is down the bottom of the garden.
07:26Little hut.
07:27And the back of the hut, there's a 400-foot drop.
07:31And one day, he found that little hut right at the bottom.
07:34It's the toilet.
07:37And he called his little lad.
07:38He said, who shoved the toilet?
07:42Off the cliff.
07:44It wasn't me.
07:46It wasn't me.
07:49He said, I'll tell you a fairy story.
07:51He said, years and years ago, he said, there was a little boy called George Washington.
07:55And he chopped down the cherry tree.
07:57And his dad said, George, who chopped down the cherry tree?
08:00He said, Father, I cannot tell a lie.
08:03It was high.
08:07Who chopped down the cherry tree?
08:09And his dad gave him 10 new pence.
08:13Now, who shoved the tulet off the edge of the cliff?
08:21He said, I cannot tell a lie.
08:23It was high.
08:26Who shoved the lavvy down the cliff.
08:31And his dad battered L.O.
08:42He said, George Washington got 10 new pence.
08:47I said, his dad wasn't up the cherry tree.
08:56Old boy, 95, walked into a booze hut.
08:58He went up to the fellow behind the bar.
08:59And he went to speed.
09:00He said, he said, he said, uh, uh, uh, uh, he said, give us a pint of 1934 bitter, will
09:16you, mate?
09:16We're scared we're deep.
09:19Bowman went a little a minute, pal.
09:20He went outside.
09:20He said, he said, Governor, I've got an old man out the front here.
09:23Wants a pint of 1934 bitter.
09:25He said, son, humor him.
09:26Pull him up a pint of the best bitter.
09:27He won't know the difference.
09:29The bowman went out, pulled up a pint of the best bitter.
09:30He said, here, old man.
09:32Here's your 1934 bitter.
09:33Oh, he said, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he said, hmm, hmm, you French, mate.
09:40There's your four pence.
09:41Wait.
09:45Now,
09:47we're going back now to the days of the Wild West to the days of the Pony
09:51Express rider and there was Pony Express rider riding across the desert on his
09:55horse like a lunatic we all of a sudden from nowhere an Indian appeared and
10:06threw one of them war lance things at him have some of that where is he in crunch
10:13but did he worry it kept riding like a maniac we from behind a cactus 300 Indians appeared big
10:30cactus and let him have it with the bows and arrows we 98 arrows in his chest 14 and his
10:42Harris 19 through his nose because he has some trunk this Pony Express riders it happens
10:49but did he worry he kept riding like a maniac as he's going under a rock an Indian leapt off
10:58the
10:58rock and hit him on the head of a tom roll have some of that crunch but did he worry
11:06he kept riding
11:10like a maniac we he made the fault fell off his horse crawled up to the captain's door kicked it
11:21home wallet and he said no letters today sir
11:32thank you
11:33thank you
13:36I must tell you about Tommy's wife, 18 stone of her, and he's such a thin little fella.
13:42He's scared stiff she'll roll over him in bed.
13:45If she did, he'd come through the mattress like chips.
13:52One for the pot.
13:56Oh, she's this size.
13:58He has to kneel up in bed in the morning to see if it's daylight.
14:04She washed her nightdress and get out on the line to dry and the family of gypsies moved in.
14:11With two horses.
14:16She went swimming in the sea once at Portsmouth.
14:19She wore a grey one-piece bathing costume and an admiral of the fleet boarded her.
14:27She thoroughly enjoyed it.
14:30Wrote to woman's own and got a guinea.
14:36She's let herself go.
14:37You know how some women do?
14:38She's sort of gone all floppy.
14:43Lolloppy.
14:45You've seen them, haven't you?
14:46She has to be careful when she's ironing.
14:53And she's got dozens of chins hanging down here.
14:57Looks as though she's staring at you over a sliced loaf.
15:04And a big wart on the end of her nose.
15:10He says he has to be careful when he kisses her.
15:13If he pulls away quick, he leaves his cap hanging on it.
15:26So...
15:29So there's these two women.
15:30Both husbands got the same job.
15:32One's got a lovely fur coat and the other one's scruffy.
15:35She said, how do you manage it?
15:36She said, well, I'll tell you what I do.
15:37She said, my husband's very amorous.
15:39Every time he wants to kiss me, I charge him a pound.
15:41Just to kiss me.
15:42Kiss me all day long.
15:43Keep getting the money.
15:44Buy lovely coats.
15:46I'm going to have a bash at that.
15:47So she went on.
15:48She told her husband.
15:49She said, whenever you want to kiss me again, it's going to cost you a pound.
15:51Thank you very much.
15:54Went on for four weeks.
15:55And the money's rolling and rolling in.
15:56Then one night they went out to the club.
15:58And she's had a few gin and tonics.
15:59And they finished up.
16:00And they're both very, very feeling lovely.
16:02So he went upstairs and put his arm around.
16:04He's just going to kiss.
16:04He said, ah, I'm not that drunk.
16:06A pound.
16:06Come on.
16:07A pound.
16:08So he said, hey, love.
16:13And he found 50 pence.
16:14He said, I've only got 50 pence.
16:15He said, nip downstairs and get 10 bob out of me handbag.
16:27I was just leaving our house today.
16:28Knock on the door.
16:30I opened the door.
16:31There she stood.
16:32Britain's answer to Frankenstein.
16:33The wife's mother.
16:35The mother-in-law.
16:37I says, don't stand there on the step, woman.
16:39Go home.
16:43She come in.
16:44She says, I've had my photograph taken.
16:46I says, come on, let's have a look.
16:47I says, who took this?
16:48She says, a fella in Manchester.
16:50I said, he must have had a high-speed camera.
16:52He can't do it with your mouth shut.
16:57But it comes in handy, the photograph.
16:59Put it on the mantelpiece.
17:00Keeps the kids awake from the fire.
17:08She was getting undressed last week
17:10in the front room with the curtains open.
17:11There was a peeping Tom in the garden.
17:13Ran three mile and gave himself up.
17:19But I fixed her last week.
17:21Fixed her.
17:21I bought her a box of toffees and hid her teeth.
17:29And the wife's just as bad.
17:30My wife.
17:32I'm not saying she's fat.
17:33But at our wedding,
17:35it took four fellas to give her away.
17:39Because we planned a runaway marriage.
17:41She planned it and I ran away.
17:45And we used to play puss in the corner.
17:48She used to hit me in the puss
17:49and I used to lie in the corner.
18:00You've had some, have you?
18:01Yeah.
18:05Our wedding night,
18:06I said,
18:07I'll tell you what, love,
18:08are we going to bed now
18:10or staying up late
18:10and watching Coronation Street?
18:16Then I had me first wage,
18:1720 quid I got.
18:18Worked overtime,
18:19got 20 quid.
18:21Got home,
18:22I says,
18:22hello,
18:2219.50 for you.
18:24I keep 50 pence for myself.
18:26She says,
18:26that's marvellous,
18:27marvellous.
18:27On the Tuesday,
18:28she says,
18:28that was marvellous,
18:29you know.
18:30You've got 20 quid,
18:30give me 19.50,
18:32kept 50 pence for yourself.
18:33How did you manage?
18:35I says,
18:35well,
18:36you know on Friday,
18:36it's your turn for the 50 pence.
18:45I remember a very good friend of mine,
18:47you know,
18:47he was locked up in an asylum
18:48and he was there for about three weeks
18:50and the fella said,
18:50right,
18:50if we let him out,
18:51what will you do?
18:52He said,
18:52the first thing I'll do
18:53is going to make a sling,
18:54come back and smash all his windows.
18:56They said,
18:57right,
18:57lock him up.
18:58Three days later,
18:58they said,
18:59right,
18:59if we let him out,
19:00now what will you do?
19:00He said,
19:01the first thing I'll do
19:01is make a sling,
19:02come back and smash all his windows.
19:04They said,
19:05lock him up.
19:06Four weeks later,
19:06they said,
19:07right,
19:07if we let you out,
19:08now what will you do?
19:09He said,
19:09the first thing I'll do
19:10is grab hold of a blonde.
19:11He said,
19:12that's better.
19:13He said,
19:13I'll take her up the mountain.
19:14He said,
19:15that's better.
19:16He said,
19:16I'll get her on the floor.
19:18He said,
19:19what will you do then?
19:19He said,
19:19I'll take a garter off,
19:20make a sling,
19:21come back and smash all his windows.
19:29There's a fella being inside,
19:30in a lunatic asylum for 20 years,
19:32you see,
19:32and in this time,
19:33he grew a great big beard
19:34down to his knees,
19:35you see,
19:35and they let him out.
19:36He said,
19:36you've been a good lad.
19:37He said,
19:37yeah.
19:38He said,
19:38we're letting you out today.
19:39He said,
19:39great,
19:40you see.
19:40So his brother came,
19:41picked him up,
19:41took him home.
19:42He said,
19:42what's the first thing you're going to do?
19:43He said,
19:43shave this bloody beard off.
19:46And he goes over to the mirror,
19:47he goes like that,
19:47and the mirror fell off the wall.
19:49He said,
19:49look at that,
19:49the first day out,
19:50my bloody head falls off.
19:55That's a nice one.
19:56I like that one.
20:01Fellas are going into the lunatic asylum.
20:03He's just going to get passed out,
20:04and the fella said,
20:04I'm going to give you the test
20:05before you go.
20:05And I said,
20:06what'll happen if I cut your left ear off?
20:07He said,
20:07I'll go deaf.
20:10He said,
20:11what happens if I cut your right ear off?
20:12He said,
20:12I'll go blind.
20:13He said,
20:14what do you mean?
20:14He said,
20:14put my cap up,
20:15fall over my eyes.
20:21So when they're clearing on this house,
20:22and he's doing a bathroom window,
20:23he's seeing there's a woman in a bath,
20:25and she said,
20:25would you like to wiggle your hands
20:26in my bath water?
20:27He said,
20:27shh.
20:30He said,
20:30what?
20:31She said,
20:32would you like to wiggle your hands
20:33in my bath water?
20:34He said,
20:34yeah.
20:34She said,
20:35well run down your ladder,
20:36I'm getting hands in a grin,
20:36I'm going to pull a plug out.
20:44Enoch Powell's got the right idea.
20:46I was having a chat with him the other week,
20:47with Charlie.
20:51He's got the right idea,
20:52because he reckons,
20:53within 25 years from now,
20:55you'll switch on the radio,
20:56Christmas morning,
20:57and you'll hear,
20:58hello,
20:59this am the Queen's.
21:05Isn't it?
21:06You like that?
21:06That's the way I tell them.
21:08It's a gift.
21:10Thanks.
21:12Charlie Williams went to a fancy dress bar,
21:14wouldn't let him in,
21:15because he hadn't any fancy dress.
21:16And there was a docker passing by,
21:18he says,
21:18do you want to earn two quid?
21:19He said,
21:19yeah.
21:20He says,
21:20okay,
21:20bend down,
21:21they'll jump in your back.
21:22So he jumps in the docker's back,
21:23he says,
21:23make a noise like an electric drill.
21:25So he said to the fellow,
21:26he'll have to let me in now.
21:27He says,
21:27what as?
21:28He says,
21:28a blackened docker.
21:35You've got to use your imagination,
21:37right?
21:37Now we're going back once again,
21:38to the days of the Wild West,
21:40and you can imagine this coach,
21:42coming in to Tombstone.
21:45Wee.
21:47Plenty of dust flying about.
21:49And in this coach,
21:51was a fella,
21:52that had just bought,
21:53the Long Brown Saloon.
21:56And over Tombstone,
21:57was a load of dust.
21:58Pfff,
21:59pfff.
22:00That was the wind.
22:03And all this sagebrush was rolling about.
22:06And people were streaming out of Tombstone,
22:08all over the directions,
22:09plenty of that.
22:12And they've pulled up in Tombstone,
22:14and the fellow got out of the coach,
22:15and everybody's riding out,
22:16in covered wagons and on horses.
22:18Get out.
22:20He's grabbed all the one fella,
22:21he said,
22:21hold up, mate.
22:22He said,
22:23where's everybody going?
22:24He said,
22:24I've just brought the Long Branch Saloon.
22:25He said,
22:26I don't care what you've done, mate.
22:27He said,
22:27I'm getting out of town.
22:28We're all getting out of town.
22:29Do you know who's coming here?
22:29He said,
22:30no.
22:30He said,
22:31you don't know?
22:31He said,
22:32big Black Pete's coming here.
22:34Big Black Pete's coming to town.
22:35He went,
22:35he said,
22:36let me go.
22:37He's gone.
22:38Three seconds flat,
22:39he's in this town of Tombstone,
22:41all on his own,
22:42no one about.
22:43And he walked up to the Long Branch Saloon,
22:44and he opened the door,
22:46and it was silent,
22:47definitely silent.
22:48And he walked up the bar,
22:49he was crying.
22:51Bought this pesky saloon,
22:53and nobody,
22:54all of a sudden,
22:55he heard this,
22:56clippity-clop,
22:57clippity-clop,
22:58clippity-clop,
22:58clippity-clop.
22:59He went to the door,
23:01open the door up,
23:02and down this street of Tombstone,
23:04there's a geezer,
23:0719 foot high,
23:09telling you,
23:1014 foot across,
23:12riding two steers.
23:17He thought,
23:18oh,
23:21this geezer stopped outside the Long Branch Saloon,
23:24roped up the steers,
23:25got off these steers,
23:26crrrrunch,
23:28walked up the Long Branch,
23:29kicked it open,
23:30went and went,
23:32I want a drink,
23:33he went,
23:35yes sir,
23:35yes sir,
23:36he threw me a bottle,
23:37a complete bottle,
23:38this fellow went,
23:40well,
23:42finished it in one ear,
23:44he said,
23:44oh,
23:45I want another drink,
23:50yes sir,
23:51yes sir,
23:55would you like another drink sir,
23:56I should know,
23:58now to get going,
24:00big black Pete's coming to town,
24:14tonight,
24:16the comedians were,
24:17Bernard Manning,
24:19Bernard Manning,
24:20Frank Carson,
24:22Mike Reed,
24:23Dougie Brown,
24:26Colin Crompton,
24:28George Roper,
24:30Mike Burton,
24:31Brian Lewis,
24:34Bryn Phillips,
24:35Pat Mooney,
24:36and Russ Evert,
24:39and Russ Evert.
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