- 2 weeks ago
Playlist:
dailymotion.com/playlist/xd8vhe
dailymotion.com/playlist/xd8vhe
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:19Well, Phil, he wants to get his car insured.
00:21He said, I want me car insured against teft.
00:23The fellas are teft.
00:24Don't you mean fire and teft?
00:27He said, who's gonna nick a burning car?
00:43He said, but who was the first woman on Earth?
00:45He said, give us a clue.
00:48Magnus said, think of an apple.
00:50He said, was it Granny Smith?
01:05Two lunatics in the asylum once said, is that clock on the wall right?
01:08He said, yes.
01:09He said, what's he doing in here?
01:18Another loony's got his ear to the wall like that in the corridor.
01:28Another fella come up and he put his ears to the wall like that.
01:36He said, I can't hear anything.
01:37He said, I know it's been like that all morning.
01:43This fella, this fella's walking down the road with his missus.
01:47And they go past this shop with his lovely fair coat in the window.
01:50And his missus says, oh, I'd love that coat.
01:52He said, he gets a brick out of his pocket.
01:57He throws it through the window, grabs the fair coat and puts it on it.
02:01She's walking down the road with her fair coat on.
02:04She goes past the jewellers.
02:06She said, oh, I'd love that ring.
02:08Gets another brick out of his pocket.
02:11Smashes the window.
02:12Gets the ring out, gives it to her.
02:14She's walking down the road, she's got the ring and the fair coat.
02:19She goes past this dress shop.
02:20She said, oh, she said, look at that dress.
02:22She said, I'd love that dress.
02:24He said, hang on a minute, love.
02:25He said, do you think I'm made of bricks?
02:30This Irish man's in a rubbish dump.
02:32And he's walking along and he kicks his bottle.
02:34And the car goes, see, I'm very good at impressions.
02:39And this genie comes out and says, I've been 40,000 years in that bottle.
02:43It was an Irish genie.
02:44He says, what would you wish?
02:47He says, hold on, give me a second.
02:49I wish you'd give me a bottle of Guinness, but never empty.
02:54The genie said, no sooner said than done.
02:57Here.
02:59So he tries it out.
03:00He says, terrific.
03:01He says, the genie says, you have two more wishes.
03:03He said, right.
03:04Could I have another two bottles the same?
03:10Do you get it?
03:12He says, yeah.
03:13He says, right.
03:14He says, and your third wish says, could I have a glass?
03:16I don't like drinking out of the bottle.
03:21And this little old fellow went into the butcher's shop.
03:23He said, go on.
03:29Could I have two?
03:32Two ounces of shin and could you cut it up?
03:36He said, okay.
03:38And this big old sation come in and beg it off with about 12 pounder best fillet.
03:42The butcher said, that's your dog, isn't it?
03:44He said, it used to be, but he looks after himself now.
03:52Well, she's got no sense of humour.
03:55I got in this morning about half three.
04:00And she shouted downstairs, hey, what's all the noise?
04:02I said, well, I'm trying to bring this to Cal and the bitter up.
04:12She said, I'll leave it there till tomorrow.
04:13I said, I've drank it.
04:22Well, God knows, ladies and gentlemen, I'll try and please her.
04:25She's only got to go like that, you know.
04:28I'll do anything for her.
04:31Must have been about half two last Tuesday morning.
04:33And she says to me, Eddie, she might have a sleep on the other side of the bed for the
04:37change.
04:38I said, no, love.
04:40So I put her under the mattress.
04:48The kids today, aren't they nasty?
04:50I mean, this woman, she's cooking the breakfast like this.
04:52She's got the bread, got the pan like that.
04:53And she said, Tommy, Tommy, come on, it's time for school.
04:58The voice upstairs.
05:00I'm not going to school.
05:01Pardon?
05:03I'm not going to school.
05:05Upstairs.
05:05Tommy, come on, it's time to go to school.
05:09I'm not going to school today.
05:12Why not, Tommy?
05:13I'll tell you why.
05:16I'm not going to school today because the kids don't like me.
05:22And I don't like them.
05:23And I'm not going to school anymore.
05:25You've got to go to school, Tommy.
05:28You give me two good reasons why I've got to go to school then.
05:32Reason one, you're 55 years old.
05:34Reason two, you're the headmaster.
05:41And Muffy rallies having a few drinks.
05:43They come out of this pub very drunk.
05:45And they bumped into Father Flanagan.
05:46He said, I'm surprised to see you two come out of the pub like that.
05:49Throw them back in again.
05:55A few more drinks.
05:56And I come out of this pub.
05:58And Muffy says, come on home to my house and have something to eat.
06:01He said, wait a minute.
06:02It's two o'clock in the morning.
06:03Your wife will go mad.
06:04He said, I've got the best wife in the world.
06:06And they're out of the house, knock the door,
06:08and she comes to the door with a big rolling pin.
06:11Riley said, you have got the best wife in the world.
06:12You don't see many women baking at this time of the night.
06:19Because you know where we come from right the way down, you know.
06:21And during the war, you know, my granddad used to have a cafe, you know.
06:24He used to make the rabbit pies.
06:27He used to take the bloody fur off mine first.
06:37He got done for putting horse meat in the rabbit pie.
06:41And they had him up in court.
06:42And the judge said, do you admit putting the horse meat in the rabbit pie?
06:45He said, oh, ah.
06:46He said, but equal amounts.
06:48He said, what do you mean?
06:48He said, one horse to one rabbit, he said.
06:54What about the Irish who thought a red setter was a Russian bricklayer?
07:01What about the fellow with a faulty pacemaker?
07:03Every time he burped, the garage door's open.
07:10This fellow was going to be a daddy and he rang up the maternity hospital and he said, how's it
07:14going?
07:15And the voice said, one, but ring back.
07:18Hour later, he rang back.
07:20Well, the voice said, two, twins.
07:22But ring back.
07:24Hour later, he rang back again.
07:26The voice said, three, triplets.
07:27One of each.
07:30But ring back.
07:32And hour later, he rang back again.
07:33The voice said, four, quads.
07:35But ring back.
07:37And hour later, he rang back again.
07:39He got his lines crossed.
07:41Instead of getting through to the maternity hospital, he got through to Lawrence Cricket Ground.
07:46He said, what's the latest result?
07:47The fellow said, they're all out.
07:48The last one was a duck.
07:55Well, it was in Liverpool.
07:56They've got what they call a pier head in Liverpool.
07:58It's like the pier in Blackpool, but it's shorter.
08:03Runs out into the River Mersey and there's a big crowd there and a scouser right at the end of
08:06the pier like that.
08:08Right.
08:09I'm going to top myself now.
08:13I'm going to jump in there and I'm going to drown and I don't want nobody to save me.
08:18And he jumped in.
08:19He's drowning.
08:20And a fellow dived out the crowd, dived in and swam towards him.
08:22He said, I told you, I don't want nobody to save me.
08:25He said, I don't want to save you.
08:26Where do you work?
08:34Imagine a drunk in the police station, three o'clock in the morning.
08:37And if you notice drunks, always look at your shoes.
08:41Stand next to a drunk and they always go like that.
08:50He's in the police station.
08:52He said, hey copper, what's all these pictures here?
08:54He said, they're all pictures of wanted criminals.
08:57He said, well, why didn't you keep hold of them when you took the photograph?
09:08So he got a blast of steel in his eye and he went to surgery.
09:16And as I learned this settee, I'm going to try out my new invention.
09:20This electric magnet.
09:22If there's any steel in your eye, this electric magnet would draw us out.
09:25And I kiss like that.
09:32Next minute.
09:33She dunk.
09:35She dunk.
09:37All tacks and nails come out.
09:39Dr. Wyn, that's marvellous, that marvellous.
09:41And when I kick her up to walk away, his boots fell to pieces.
09:50My mate's been an adult seven years.
09:52He didn't have to get a shock about a month ago.
09:54All the dole clerks were working to rule.
09:56He got two gyrochecks.
09:57He thought he'd been sacked.
10:05He thought it was his weekend and.
10:12I bumped into him through all that nice weather we had
10:14I said, how you doing Tommy, still signing
10:15He said, yeah, nothing happening
10:17He said, I'll tell you what Dovary, what a lovely day
10:19I wish I was work and I'd take the day off
10:28He said, mum I want a BMX bike
10:29Cos all my friends have got a BMX bike, I want a bike
10:32He said, kind of a bike
10:34We're having it a bit rough at the moment
10:36And I can't afford a bike
10:39She said, you can't have a bike
10:40She said, I can't play with my friends
10:42I've never got a bike
10:43She said, I'll play with you
10:44And his little face brightened up
10:46He said, okay mum, we should
10:48We're playing mommies and daddies
10:50She thought, that's funny
10:51She said, what do you want me to do
10:52We should go upstairs, put that black negligee on
10:55The one dad likes and get into bed
10:57Well, she didn't take her clothes off
10:59She put the negligee over her clothes, slipped her slippers off
11:01And she got into bed
11:03She could hear him come up the stairs
11:07The door opened
11:08There he stood, God love him
11:09He's this big
11:10He's got his dad's cap on
11:13His dad's overalls on
11:14Rolled up 72 times at the arms and legs
11:17He's got his dad's muffler on
11:18He's even got a daily mirror in his back pocket
11:21She thinks, well I better say something
11:22Or I'm going to laugh
11:23She said, oh, hello darling
11:26Welcome home from work
11:27You should never mind
11:28Welcome home from work
11:29Get your fat bum out that bin
11:30And get that ladder bike
11:50There was a prisoner at Strangeway
11:52He's been in prison for 30 years
11:56And he'd worked in the prison laundry for 30 years
11:59Scrubbing and washing
12:02He went mentally, thought I'll get out of here
12:04And he grabbed one of the warders
12:06And he headbutted him
12:07Poof
12:08And he got another warder
12:09Poof
12:10Then he ran away
12:11The headlines in the paper says
12:13Washer, not screws and bolts
12:20Together
12:20No, hey, holidays
12:22Right, holidays are coming round
12:23Right
12:23And on the window of this holiday place
12:26It said there
12:27Right, holidays
12:27£25 to the Bahamas
12:30Cheap, that, isn't it?
12:32So this English and Irish and the Scotsman
12:34They went in there
12:34They said, £25 for that holiday
12:36He said, yes
12:37He said, this is £25
12:38He said, go through that door
12:39So you've got to leave right away
12:40He said, okay
12:41For £25, I'll go now
12:43So he went through the door
12:44Fell at him on the head
12:45Dunk
12:46And he finished up in the boat
12:47In the middle of the Atlantic
12:49Rowan
12:51There's the Scotsman there
12:52And the Irishman
12:53He said to the Scotsman
12:54What's this, £25 to go to the Bahamas?
12:57He said, maybe I'm in the middle of the Atlantic
13:00The Scotsman said, it's all right
13:01Don't worry
13:01They'd probably send a helicopter for us
13:03The Irish fella said
13:04They didn't last year
13:13Because that's good, isn't it?
13:13That Coronation Street
13:15That cat's been on at war 27 years
13:17Have you seen that?
13:22Remember the minute
13:22That Billy Walker teabag eyes
13:28But you remember when he was in trouble in Jersey
13:30And he was after all that money
13:32That Emily Bishop had
13:33Because you've got all that money
13:34Remember
13:34Of poor Ernie
13:37Remember Ernie Bishop?
13:38I felt sorry for that man
13:40He'd have been alive today
13:41He got shot on the Monday
13:46The Amber's ever come to Wednesday
13:53Back of our telly for two nights
13:57Do you watch that Crossroads?
14:00Remember him getting knocked out
14:01Arthur Brownlow
14:03Wish he'd been old in her Glenda's hand
14:10Murphy went to the wake
14:11Him and Flanagan
14:12And he got drunk on the way in
14:14And they thought the piano
14:16Was the coffin
14:17So he opened up the lid
14:18He said, yes, I don't know who he is
14:20But he's a great set of teeth
14:24I was in London
14:24In that big posh shop
14:25You know
14:26Arabs
14:29I saw this sign
14:30It said
14:31South American parrot
14:32On offer
14:33£100
14:34Delivered anywhere in Great Britain
14:35Free cage
14:37Sprig and millet
14:37Bell and a mirror
14:38Speaks in four languages
14:39I thought, wouldn't that be nice
14:40For me mum
14:40I said, is that right darling
14:42Speaks
14:42Yeah, terrific talker
14:43Fabulous bird
14:44I said, well could you deliver it
14:46Secret Christmas
14:46For me mum
14:47Gave them the address
14:48Barkley card
14:49Stamp
14:49Done
14:49Fung me mum up
14:50Boxing day
14:51Phone her up
14:51Hello mother
14:52What do you think about the bird
14:53Oh, she said he was fabulous
14:55Oh, the flesh just fell away
15:02I said, mother
15:03That bird spoke in four languages
15:05It said nothing when I stuffed it
15:06She said
15:13What do you
15:14Hey
15:14This magician
15:17Right
15:18He's on a ship
15:19During the war
15:19Right
15:49And he's a magician
15:50Him and you
15:50A new boat
15:51Come on
15:53And a torpedo blew the ship
15:55A smithereens
15:56Next morning
15:56The parrot's sitting on a piece of wood
15:58Two black eyes
15:58And no feathers on
16:00And the magician
16:01Come swimming up to him
16:02Like that
16:02And the parrot said
16:03He said, okay, I give in
16:04Okay, I give in
16:04What have you done with the ship
16:08One fellow won a horse called Yellow Yellow
16:11He backed it and it won it
16:13500 to one
16:14Which is fantastic, isn't it?
16:15You know what he did with all the money
16:16He went and bought a house
16:18And he called it Yellow Yellow
16:21Yellow furniture
16:22Yellow curtains
16:23Yellow carpet
16:25Page of the wall's yellow
16:27Yellow roof
16:28Yellow garden shed
16:30Yellow path
16:32Yellow privets
16:33Yellow gates
16:34This is true this
16:35He died last week
16:36Yellow jaunders
16:37They can't find it
16:42I thought, I'm coming to comedians
16:43So
16:44I had a bat this morning
16:46I got
16:47Lying there in the bat
16:48And the bell went
16:49You know
16:49Well, they'll pinch anything down our way
16:51You know
16:55I went down
16:56The fellow at the door
16:57He said
16:57I'm a Jehovah's Witness
16:59I said, really?
17:00I didn't know there'd been an accident
17:07That's what it's all about
17:08Get out and have a laugh
17:10The best thing, isn't it?
17:12Have a good laugh
17:13I had a good laugh
17:13The wife said to me this morning
17:15She said
17:16Can the mother-in-law come down for the weekend?
17:20I said, why?
17:20She said
17:21Well, she's getting fed up in the attic
17:30How about the sergeant?
17:31He's teaching all the squaddies
17:33How to do guard duty
17:35And he had a little bit of a stammering
17:37And he went
17:38Don't forget
17:39When you're on a guard duty
17:43Shout
17:44Ha-ha
17:46How to goes
17:48Friend nor
17:52And if they shout
17:56Friend
17:57Advanced friend
17:59And be
17:59Recognised
18:02But if they don't answer you
18:04Let them have it
18:07But hang on a couple of minutes
18:09Because it might be me
18:17Played in a prison
18:18The prison was called
18:19Hum Hum
18:23It was like Sing Sing
18:24But the prisoners couldn't remember the words
18:32A fellow come in sentenced to the electric chair
18:34The last minute he knocked it down to life imprisonment
18:36The judge said
18:37What do you say before a past sentence?
18:3999 years
18:41He said
18:42I'm 62 now
18:45And the judge said
18:46Well just do what you can
18:55I was doing a fella
18:56Sitting in a nice smart dicky bow
18:57In a nice suit
18:57I said
18:58Are you a convict?
18:59He said
18:59Well it's a long story
19:00I used to work here
19:01In a prison
19:01I used to switch the electric chair on
19:05But I've got 40 years
19:06For doing a foreigner
19:16This scientist fellow
19:16Was walking down this country lane
19:18He saw this scientist
19:18Bent for half a mile
19:20He thought
19:20Bloody hell
19:26He saw this poacher
19:27With a double barrel shotgun
19:29He said
19:29What kind of gun is that?
19:30He said
19:30Double barrel shotgun
19:31He said
19:31Why two barrels?
19:32He said
19:32Well if I miss the rabbit
19:33With the first battle
19:34I'd kill it with the second battle
19:36He said
19:37Why aren't you using
19:37The second battle first?
19:44He said
19:45Could I have a go with it?
19:45He said
19:45Certainly sir
19:46Paddy's got the shot
19:48When he looked up
19:48He saw a hang glider
19:51Bang!
19:53What kind of boo is that?
19:54He said
19:54I don't know
19:54I've let go of that fella
19:55Look
20:02Was stuck in Wales
20:03To stop this fella
20:04I said
20:04Excuse me
20:05Do you know where Lanethley is?
20:06He said
20:06Oh no
20:06Isn't it?
20:07Look you
20:12I said
20:12It's Clanethley
20:13Clan Dunno
20:14Where you going?
20:15I said
20:15Clondon
20:21So I phoned the
20:22Hey hey yo
20:23I said
20:23Hey
20:23Hey
20:27Stuck in the middle of Wales
20:28He said
20:28Where are you?
20:29Isn't it?
20:29Look you
20:31I can't read the sign
20:32It's in Welsh
20:32He said
20:33Pronounce it
20:34I said
20:34I'm stuck at a place
20:35Called Dan Goslow
20:35I said
20:36You're stupid
20:37That's danger
20:37Go slow
20:42Any celebrities in?
20:42Anyone working?
20:49My dad doesn't work for 30 years
20:5130 years
20:51He went to the job centre
20:52The woman said
20:53What was your last job?
20:54He said
20:54The prefect
21:01He thinks a P-45's a gun
21:04And the woman felt sorry for him
21:06And she'd given him a job
21:07And he went home
21:07And he said to his mum
21:08Love
21:08After 30 years
21:09I got a job
21:10She said
21:11Bloody hell
21:11Just when we were getting on our fees
21:16And he had to get up in the morning
21:177 o'clock
21:19For work
21:19He'd never been up at 7 o'clock in his life
21:21And he got the alarm clock
21:22Do you remember then?
21:27And he couldn't move the little finger around
21:28From 11 it was stuck
21:33And he didn't want to go
21:34He looked out the curtains
21:35He said to my mum
21:37It's foggy over the roof
21:42My mum said
21:43You're not going that way
21:49My grandad
21:51Bless him
21:51He used to play the penny whistle
21:54Yeah
22:00And he kept it in his top pocket
22:02And he was in a trench in the war
22:03And a German shot him
22:07This penny whistle
22:07It stopped the bullet going through his heart
22:10It went up the spout
22:11And blew his head off
22:17The comedians tonight were
22:20George Roper
22:21Vince Earle
22:22Bernard Manning
22:23Greg Rogers
22:25Frank Carson
22:26Lee Wilson
22:27Eddie Flanagan
22:28Dougie Brown
22:30Mike Cash
22:31Jerry Thomas
22:32Dave Butler
22:33Tony Joe
22:34Mick Miller
22:35Mickie Finn
22:37Harry Black
22:38Ollie Spencer
22:39Jimmy Marshall
22:40Stan Boardman
22:42And Steve Fay
22:44Bill nosso
22:45Bill
22:45Neil
22:47Eddie
22:47Andy
22:47Jim
22:48says
22:48Bill
22:48Bill
22:49Bill
22:50Bill
22:50Bill
22:50Bill
22:50Bill
Comments