00:04Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:34Hey there, fellow cult member.
00:36On a scale from 1 to 10, I'm an 11.
00:45You know, I always dreamed of a big family.
00:48Here we are.
00:50The leader knows when you get up.
00:52Every time.
00:55Beauty's looking pretty good, don't you think?
00:58Welcome, friend.
00:58And running behind today.
01:00Spin the wheel and let's get you assigned to a job.
01:03The leader says honest labor gives us dignity.
01:10What will it be?
01:11Gardening, outreach, guard duty.
01:14Oh, I see you eyeing business, but getting business is very rare.
01:17Only the truly worthy and lucky...
01:20Brothers and sisters, a family member has been selected for business.
01:25To the lucky winner.
01:26Proceed to the barn of business.
01:37Oh, I can't believe it.
01:39Business.
01:40Yeah, business.
01:41I got bookkeeping, and I have no money.
01:47But how did I end up here?
01:48Well, it's a funny story.
01:50The first time I met the leader was at a roast beef buffet in New York.
01:53He was sitting in a...
01:56Welcome to the barn of business.
01:58This chain link fence is all that stands between you and your life's purpose.
02:04Pick up a bat.
02:05Show me your war face.
02:13In my youth, I was known for my mastery in the art of Brazilian stick fighting.
02:18It is both combat and dance.
02:26Very good.
02:28Now open the gate.
02:29Pick up a gun and shoot five targets.
02:45I once held a seminar on firearm safety.
02:48I was at a motel in North Hollywood.
02:59Tony Danza was staying in the connecting room.
03:01He asked us to keep it down.
03:03Really cool guy, actually.
03:10He gave me his number, but when I called the cell, it went straight to voicemail.
03:20Well done.
03:21People usually just shoot the chickens.
03:24Pick up the grenade launcher.
03:27See that pig wearing the hat?
03:29His name is Jellybean.
03:31I want you to blow him up.
03:34You actually did it.
03:35Your obedience knows no bounds.
03:46Meet me in the house of business.
03:50Say hi to the leader for me!
03:54Have fun in the house of business!
03:57Man, a true steward of business?
03:59How did you survive the barn of business?
04:01Well, shit.
04:03Maybe we're all...
04:03We must hold you in high regard.
04:05The leader loves you.
04:06I can't believe you're going to meet the leader.
04:08One day I get to be a business person.
04:21Welcome to the leadership presentation.
04:25We are one big, happy family.
04:31We eat together, work together, and reflect on important things that I say.
04:36But true meaning lies beyond these walls.
04:41So what is all of this really about?
04:45You're ready for the challenge and the reward of opening your very own cult.
04:52Look at this leader, imagine the respect, the admiration, the admiration of their newfound family.
04:59This could be you.
05:03And you'll be going to beautiful Bedford County, USA.
05:08Serene nature, welcoming locals, sunsets to die for.
05:14But why Bedford?
05:15Why now?
05:17I'm not going to sugarcoat it.
05:19The world is going to end.
05:21And soon, the very survival of the human race depends on you.
05:30Build a cult worthy of my brand, and I will arrive in Bedford to shield you and your new family
05:38from the apocalypse.
05:42So, what are you waiting for?
05:48Join us.
05:50Nothing can beat us, nothing can break us, nothing can shock us, nothing can shake us.
05:56I know it's true, nothing is strong enough.
06:01People like to whisper and laugh, and talk about us behind our backs.
06:07All because they're jealous of what we have.
06:13What we have was sent from above.
06:16It's a kind of heavenly love.
06:19That nothing in the world can deprive us of.
06:22No, no, no, nothing can deprive us of.
06:27I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle.
06:31Nothing can burn us, nothing can block us, nothing can roll us, nothing can rock us.
06:37Yes, I know it's true, nothing can stop us.
06:57Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
07:11Time to get back on the road
07:18I'll provide the route to your new home
07:53I drink it because I live it
07:55It's third party tested
07:56And a healthy meal replacement
07:58I don't care for your suspicious tone
08:01Next caller
08:03If fossil fuel is not a sponsor
08:06How do you know all these facts about them
08:08Fossils have been the fuel that burns within us for centuries
08:11The sheriff likes the jail cells empty
08:13And the undertaker busy
08:15You play by his rules
08:16Or you don't play at all
08:19Do you hear how insane you sound?
08:21The local ranchers are no strangers to violence
08:23You'll get acquainted with them soon enough
08:27First start a cult
08:28The guy in charge of my Bolivia cult
08:30Didn't have the charisma
08:31Couldn't recruit anybody
08:32The cult in Dusseldorf got really into old school spiritualism
08:36Everybody ended up possessed
08:38The spirits told them to plant candlesticks
08:40Instead of food
08:41But if you play your cards right
08:44Bedford and the cult you build here
08:47Could save humanity from the apocalypse
08:49I know you can do it
08:51I mean
08:54Welcome to your compound
08:56Whose car is that?
08:59We're being robbed
09:00Show these scoundrels we need business
09:32Did you just feel our bond strengthened?
09:34That's because you earned devotion
09:36There are many ways to gain devotion
09:38Which is good
09:39Because you'll need to maintain it
09:41Or your followers will quit
09:58This place looked better in the real estate listing
10:01That's what I get for waiving the inspection during escrow
10:04Welcome home
10:19Well, this property was supposed to come fully furnished
10:22But it looks like those thieves have cleaned us out
10:24Do you hear that?
10:28Go inside
10:51They didn't touch the Nokari Microsystems 9000 fax machine
10:57Nothing beats a fax for effortless communication
11:04Behold, the schematics for a table of business
11:08All of the great plans throughout history
11:10Began with a high quality conference table
11:13We will need materials to construct the table of business
11:17You must scavenge for materials outside the compound walls
11:21And bring back what you find
11:22Neither do you find are the lord
11:46Very good
11:47But this is gonna be helpful
11:47So
11:49Let's go
11:58Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
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14:32Now that you have a proper conference table, it's time to think about your brand. Branding will help your franchise
14:38stand out. Give it a try.
15:11Let's take the table of business for a test drive.
15:14Our first all-team meeting. So far the team is just you and my omnipresent voice. But that will change.
15:44...
15:47...
15:49Okay.
16:22First things first, your cult will need to eat. Let's start a garden.
16:33If you ever have questions about a building, you can review old faxes at the board.
16:54Use leader mode to manage your cult, build and customize your compound or outposts, access your weapon stockpile, set goals
17:01for your followers, swap bodies, and more.
17:27When the plants are ready, harvest the food and deposit.
17:31Congratulations to anyone with that as their selection.
17:37Let's talk about food. It can feed your followers or be used in offerings. Food can be collected or stolen,
17:43harvested from animals or grown.
17:50While you're waiting for your plants to grow, you might want to consider foraging for berries, or hunting local wildlife
17:56to harvest meat, but watch out for the bears. Bedford has a serious bear problem.
18:01Oh, and if you want to plan ahead, you can always build more planters. We expect your cult to grow.
18:22...
18:24...
18:24...
18:29Bis zum nächsten Mal.
19:12Das war's.
19:37Was es dauert, um diese Lute Crate zu bekommen, ist es total wert.
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30:17...or until you send them home.
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