00:00When I was in high school, I hooked up with the guy my best friend lost her virginity to.
00:04And I was really, really, really ashamed about it.
00:07So I didn't tell her.
00:08And then one day she found out, because they always do.
00:12And it wasn't even just that I betrayed her by hooking up with him.
00:16I betrayed her because I kept a secret for so long.
00:20And when it comes to dating, sometimes things get murky.
00:23And now that I'm dating again, I don't want to enter that situation again.
00:26But what are the rules?
00:27Because I don't see them written anywhere.
00:30My friend Katie is currently dating her ex-best friend's ex-boyfriend.
00:34Well, that was a mouthful.
00:36Tell me about a time when close was a little too close.
00:40Two or three years ago, I started getting really close with my friend's current boyfriend.
00:46But then when they broke up, I was like getting even closer to her ex-boyfriend.
00:50I just felt like he and I had way more similarities than me and she did.
00:55I always rationalized texting her ex-boyfriend as this is just a friendship.
01:01Obviously nothing's going to happen.
01:02You dated my friend.
01:03Like that wouldn't be cool.
01:04So she was really jealous of our friendship while they were dating, which I at the time had no idea.
01:10I wasn't trying to get with him up until that point where I did.
01:14You know, I'm not sure if it's like there are things that are always going on in the back of
01:20your head that you just don't acknowledge.
01:22If you're just trying to rationalize something because you don't see yourself as like a bad person.
01:28So when you decided to date, did you tell her?
01:31No.
01:33I felt really guilty.
01:35You completely X'd out your friend.
01:38I've ghosted her.
01:40Have you ever posted on social media with your boyfriend and has she seen it, liked it, commented?
01:45After it's been a year, maybe we'll start doing that and we'll just say, F it, whatever, now everyone knows.
01:53Are you kind of subconsciously hiding because of her?
01:57Yeah, I'm worried she's going to come confront me and I'd like to just avoid that.
02:02I feel like it's kind of on your shoulders.
02:04Like the fact that you're not posting on social media because she might see it.
02:08To me, it's like you guys have been dating for a year.
02:10That relationship is established.
02:11At the end of the day, if you and your boyfriend are making each other happy and that relationship didn't
02:16work and you're not even friends with her anymore.
02:18Right.
02:19Then fuck it.
02:20What do you think?
02:21Do you think we should make an announcement?
02:23I think that you just need to like enjoy each other.
02:25You can post on social media.
02:26You can just not, I don't think you need to feel any more guilt.
02:29Even though Katie decided to end her friendship before she began dating her boyfriend, she never really cleared the air
02:35and the relationship is still under a cloud of guilt.
02:38Luckily, she found more support in that relationship than the one with her girlfriend.
02:42And don't most great relationships start with a great friendship first?
02:46In high school, Hannah started dating someone that was in her life for a long time.
02:51He just happened to be her best friend's older brother.
02:53I have had the same group of girl best friends since I was eight years old.
02:58We were having like, you know, one kind of last hurrah to celebrate that we were all about to graduate
03:03from high school.
03:05I ended up hooking up with one of my best friend's older brothers that night.
03:10So I'd known him since I was eight years old and he always felt so much older.
03:15And then I think obviously the older you get, you realize that age gaps actually aren't as much of a
03:20thing.
03:20You know, he was kind of hanging out with us for the first time and he was in college where
03:24it just felt normal.
03:25And it was like we were flirting and it was, it wasn't like it was so secretive the whole night.
03:29Like we were obviously kind of flirtatious with each other.
03:31And then, yeah, I just, girls went to sleep and I didn't.
03:37Have you always seen him like as a hot older brother that you wanted to get with?
03:41Never.
03:42It was always like, oh my God, this is this guy that I've actually known for a long time.
03:46And that you trust.
03:47And that I trust.
03:48Yeah, I know that he's a good guy.
03:50I know his family.
03:51I've known them for so many years.
03:53And we're actually vibing and have chemistry.
03:56Whoa.
03:57Like that's how I felt in that moment.
03:59I ended up telling my friend about two weeks later.
04:01Tell me how it went.
04:01Okay, so I went up to her.
04:02I looked her straight in the eyes.
04:03I got really serious and I was like, I need to tell you something.
04:07And she kind of collapsed to the floor.
04:08I think she just started laughing and felt really awkward and uncomfortable.
04:11Do you think she knew already?
04:13There was no way that people would put like two and two together.
04:16So the fact that then I was like, I slept with your brother.
04:19She died laughing.
04:20She was like, what?
04:21Which was great because I was like, wait, are we okay with this?
04:24Like, what's happening?
04:24Do you feel like that you broke girl code?
04:27No, I don't think that I broke girl code at all.
04:29Because if the roles had been reversed, I would actually find it really funny too.
04:33I think the only thing that gets tricky with family is if you actually start to develop
04:37feelings in a relationship and then it doesn't end up working out.
04:42Then I think it's awkward between friends.
04:44Because inevitably the loyalty lies to the family member and not to the friend.
04:47What advice do you have for girls who kind of enter into this situation
04:50and don't really know how to navigate it?
04:51Be really upfront and honest with your friend from the beginning.
04:55Also just making a very valiant and conscious effort to not put yourself in a scenario
05:00where you think that a decision that you make could hurt another woman.
05:04Relationships can pop up in unexpected places.
05:07But is a friend's family such a bad place to look?
05:10Longstanding friendships like those provide history, comfort, and trust.
05:14That being said, you have to respect the fact that family comes first.
05:18So before you dive in, make sure your friend is comfortable.
05:22Respect is really the bottom line of any friendship.
05:24But even if you follow the right protocol,
05:26your friend still might not be comfortable with the relationship.
05:29My friend Sojourner found herself in a sticky situation despite adhering to girl code.
05:34So I was fresh off of a breakup and decided I was going to plunge myself into social media dating
05:39apps.
05:40There was this one guy who I matched with and the conversation was just so natural.
05:44Like it was effortless.
05:45It just flowed.
05:46We were making each other laugh in like the first five minutes.
05:48It was great.
05:49So I'm like, oh, finally.
05:50Got me a boo.
05:51I'm back.
05:52I'm ready.
05:52Let's do this.
05:53But then in conversation, some things that he was saying and like the mutual friends,
05:58I was like, this guy seems familiar.
05:59I find out he's the ex of my best friend.
06:03She actually ruined everything because she cheated on him.
06:06So they had a very tumultuous breakup, but by the time he and I started talking again,
06:11she had somebody else in mind.
06:13So I asked her, I ended up matching with your dude on Soul Swipe.
06:17Do you care if I go on a date with him?
06:19Was this in person or via text?
06:20This is all via text.
06:21So I have receipts.
06:22She said, you know, it's a little weird, but like, sure, go ahead.
06:25So do you want to take some time to think about it?
06:27You don't have to answer me right now.
06:28She said, no, no, no.
06:29I promise.
06:30Are you 100% positive?
06:33And she said, Sojourner, I'm cool.
06:35Go ahead.
06:36By the end of that week, she hits me up, but she's like, you know, so how was the date?
06:39I didn't give her full details.
06:41You know, I didn't want to rub it in her face or anything,
06:42but I let her know we had a good time and we had a third date coming up.
06:46Then she tells me she's not comfortable with it.
06:48She doesn't want me seeing him anymore.
06:50Because the third date is like basically saying that you guys are still interested in each other.
06:53That might have freaked her out.
06:55Yes.
06:55I did end things with him because girl code, 100%.
06:59I just had to weigh what was more important in my friendship with her.
07:02It was more important than my relationship with him.
07:04You want to make sure you're being cognizant of other people's feelings
07:06and making sure that you're not purposely doing something to hurt them.
07:09It might be tricky to figure things out at first,
07:11which is why it's important to be honest about your feelings
07:14and respect your friends when they're honest about theirs.
07:16If their relationship becomes more serious,
07:18try to be understanding if they change their mind about how they feel.
07:21Girl code isn't meant to shame anyone or put them down.
07:24It's about loyalty, trust, and empathy.
07:27Taking the time to put yourself in the other person's shoes
07:29can help you make the best possible decision.
07:31See you next time.
