00:00Timmy Sohn Heard Request
00:07Westview Heard Request
00:07The Last Hamlet
00:07Demonstration
00:08Heard Request
00:30I think I was always an overthinker, pretty neurotic in my head, so I always had some
00:36sort of anxiety.
00:38But it wasn't until I went to a study abroad program in Paris where it was really exacerbated
00:43I started having panic attacks.
00:50I was living in midtown New York City, and I was performing, doing a lot of improv comedy.
00:59I was this person who was crawling with anxiety and doubt and then stepped on stage and I was
01:06like, larger than life!
01:08And the whole time I just remember feeling like, I'm dying, I'm dying inside, I'm dying
01:13inside, but I'm getting laughs!
01:15I noticed it in movie theaters or in classrooms, even in the train where I felt like I couldn't
01:20run out sometimes.
01:21In my chest I felt like it very constricted.
01:25I felt like my lungs got really shallow and I couldn't breathe.
01:28I think it was almost like a drowning sensation.
01:31And then it would get into my head where I would think, oh shoot, I don't want to alarm
01:35the people around me.
01:36Feeling it in my body, my chest constricting even more, and then feeling it in my mind.
01:41I thought everything I was doing was 100% normal.
01:47That everybody just lived with dread and fear and anxiety and like woke up in a panic.
01:55I went on study abroad to Paris because I wanted an adventure.
01:58In Paris everything was novel.
02:00Meeting a new person, going out, these were new adventures and I really wanted to be present
02:05for them.
02:06Social anxiety prevented me from fully being present.
02:11The toxic anxiety as a performer is what tells me not to be there, not to show up, that
02:18I'm never good enough.
02:19The only way I can describe it for me is it felt like my whole body was dancing with this
02:24energy that was like, you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong.
02:27That's not right.
02:28You're doing it wrong.
02:30I definitely did traditional talk therapy first.
02:34Then I also tried acupuncture and exercising.
02:37For me, I needed something that was much more immediate.
02:40I just wanted it over with.
02:42That's why I sought out medication.
02:45As a woman, I worry about my safety.
02:47As a person of color, I worry about my safety.
02:52I worry about my access.
02:53I worry about those things because I have to.
03:00I think the first time that I ever took Xanax was at home.
03:03So it was one morning when I got up early to go take the train to school.
03:07I remember suddenly feeling very relaxed and very calm.
03:10I felt sedated.
03:12I felt uninhibited.
03:14I felt much more present, yet subdued at the same time.
03:19And then when I started taking Xanax, for the first time, that noise went away.
03:28And I had a radical shift in my attitude because I went, oh, I can live without that noise?
03:38It felt like the doors to heaven opened up and I had clarity and I was able to focus.
03:46I found myself becoming much more extroverted and doing things that I think I normally would never do.
03:52I was much more out there, much more eager to talk to strangers, much more eager to connect with others.
04:00Taking the Xanax at that point in time gave me the spontaneity that I think my anxiety would have curbed.
04:06I remember in the first six months of taking Xanax, I was like, oh, I'm not scared to do my
04:14job because any feedback I get will make me better.
04:18And that it's okay if I fail or I'm not my best because it's life. Nobody's perfect.
04:28And I allowed myself to be imperfect in situations where I thought I had to be perfect.
04:35I was worried that I was going to become addicted to the Xanax even though I was being told by
04:40a professional that it was okay to stay on it for the duration she prescribed it.
04:44I felt like I was becoming dependent on it. What was I going to be like if I didn't take
04:49it before I went to school that morning? Was it going to be even worse?
04:52I take Xanax on an as needed basis now. And it's funny. I know I'm very lucky because I am
05:03not.
05:06I feel lucky because I am on an as needed basis right now at this point in my life. I'm
05:13100% aware that could change and I'm open to it because ultimately my mental health isn't a math problem
05:21with one solution.
05:23With Xanax, you tend to forget. It's almost a feeling of having a blanket covering every thought in your mind.
05:30You just don't feel like you're in touch with them as much.
05:33A lot of my experience now that I look back, even though it was wonderful, I don't remember a lot
05:38of the moments and I find that very, very upsetting.
05:42There's this stigma and this attitude of like, get over it. Why are you being such a bother?
05:51And it breaks my heart because there are people hurting who don't have to hurt the way they hurt.
05:57The fact that there is any cultural, societal, economic, other barrier that allows people to get help, like honestly, it
06:11makes my heart bleed.
06:12I didn't really know who I was on and off the medication at a certain point. Even though it made
06:18me more carefree, even though I was comfortable because I felt like society praised that type of behavior, I felt
06:24a deep sense of being uncomfortable with who I was because it didn't feel like me.
06:30Even though I loved the social benefits, I loved being more out there and engaging, I did find that I
06:36preferred to be me.
06:38I'm also happy I have my Xanax when I have a deadline for something I'm writing or if I have
06:47an audition that's really important to me and I know that I can't be as present as I want to
06:55be because of the anxiety.
06:56We're at this moment in culture grappling with trying to define ourselves with all these new technologies and medication is
07:03one of them.
07:03My hope for the future is a society where we're more open and accepting of people with mental illnesses, but
07:13that we are more critically engaged with what this institution really is, what it's perpetuating, and what mental illness is
07:23really saying about us as a culture.
07:26Why is it that we're dealing with so much of it? We have to rethink what our constructs are.
