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00:00Most storylines of love begin at I Do.
00:05To have and to hold, to love and to cherish.
00:09For better or worse.
00:12In good times and bad.
00:15No matter if the story is out of focus or picture perfect.
00:20From this day forward, your storyline of love can go on.
00:26Before God.
00:28With God.
00:30All the days of your life.
00:40You know, it only stands to reason, doesn't it, that people who are in love speak the language of love.
00:47And that almost always includes pet names, playful nicknames or other terms of endearment.
00:53But there's another level to the language of love that even lovers don't capitalize on like they should.
00:59And that is the dialect called compliments.
01:03Even if you call yourself a master at complimenting, you haven't heard anything yet.
01:08Today, I continue in my series, what the Bible says about love, marriage and sex.
01:14And we're going to see how Solomon and his beloved Shulamith mastered this part of the language of love.
01:21They compliment each other for things that would make many of us blush, but from which all of us can
01:27learn.
01:27And you're going to hear them all in today's message called The Language of Love, coming straight ahead on Turning
01:35Point.
01:45In between the books of Ecclesiastes and Isaiah is a little book called The Song of Solomon.
01:54Perhaps the most unpreached book in the Bible.
01:59And after you start to preach it, you can understand why.
02:04Well, this book is a book written to help us understand our relationships with one another.
02:12I need to tell you that I have never had people send me more material in the mail and on
02:19email than since I started this series.
02:21One of the things that I love is when people take a subject like we're dealing with and they find
02:28things that children say.
02:29That's just a wonderful way to take a look at this from a different perspective.
02:33I got a letter from someone who had a list of things children have said in response to this question.
02:42What does love mean?
02:44These kids are ages four through eight and they have some interesting insights on this subject.
02:51What does love mean?
02:53Kara, age five.
02:54Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and
03:00smell each other.
03:02That's love.
03:06This is Emily, age eight.
03:08Love is when you kiss all the time.
03:10Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
03:14My mommy and daddy are like that.
03:16They look gross when they kiss.
03:19This is Noel, age seven.
03:22Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt and then he wears it every day.
03:29This is Chris, age seven.
03:34Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he's handsomer than Brad Pitt.
03:41This is one that this is kind of one of my favorites.
03:45I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and she has to go
03:50out and buy new ones.
03:53Now that little girl has been worked.
03:55I don't know who did that, but somebody took her in.
03:59Here's the last one.
04:00This is a young man by the name of Joel who's age 10.
04:04Again, I'm not rushing into love.
04:06I'm finding fourth grade hard enough.
04:10That's pretty good advice, isn't it?
04:12Right.
04:13Get through fourth grade, then you can start worrying about love.
04:17In their outstanding book, The Gift of the Blessing,
04:20Gary Smalley and John Trent give us some biblical and practical helps
04:26on how we can bless each other in our marriages.
04:31When it comes to marriage and when it comes to our mate,
04:35the counsel that they give us is crucial.
04:39In one part of the book, they write,
04:41God has put us together in such a way that we have emotional and physical needs
04:47that can only be met by affirmation, acceptance, encouragement, and unconditional love.
04:54We all have the desire and the need, they wrote, to receive that blessing.
05:02That involves passing along a message to others
05:05that affirms their intrinsic worth and value as a person.
05:10Praising them as valuable is the key idea that they're driving for.
05:15Well, the Song of Solomon, verse 9 through 14 in the first chapter,
05:20tell us that there is power in praising your partner.
05:26Here we see in this chapter important and essential aspects
05:31of how we can bless one another in our marriages
05:34with the words that we speak.
05:38It begins in verses 9 and 10 with being personal with your praise.
05:44Verses 9 and 10 give us some clues to how we do this.
05:49Solomon, the young king of Israel, had holdings near the Lebanon mountains,
05:55and one day he was up there visiting one of his vineyards,
05:58and he saw in one of the vineyards near the Lebanon mountains a young girl.
06:04She was different than any girl he had ever seen.
06:06She had been out in the vineyards working,
06:09and the Bible tells us she had become a black with suntan.
06:13She was darkened, and she talks about her dark skin.
06:16And when Solomon saw her, he was just taken.
06:20He could not get his eyes off of her.
06:22And the story is that he began to court her.
06:24He took as many business trips to the Lebanon mountains
06:27as he could put in his expense report.
06:28Every time he went up there, he wanted to see this young girl.
06:33And now, as we come into this passage of Scripture,
06:36we're no longer in that setting.
06:38We've moved out of the shepherd's realm,
06:40and now we're in the splendor of the king's palace,
06:43in his royal digs, if you will.
06:46And verse 9 is in the world of the kings.
06:50And Solomon, you see, was aware of Shulamith's insecurity.
06:56You remember how she said when she walked in among the girls
07:00who were in the palace that she was the only one that looked like she did.
07:05All of the other girls were fair-skinned.
07:08They were indoor women, if you will.
07:09They never got outside.
07:11And as you remember, last week we learned
07:13that a suntan back in that day was not what it is today.
07:16We kill for suntans today,
07:18but back then it was not considered to be something to look for.
07:22And so she felt a sense of a bit of insecurity.
07:25And what Solomon's going to do in these early verses
07:27is he's going to praise her and he's going to lift her up.
07:31First of all, he tells her that she is loved.
07:35In verse 9, he says,
07:36I have compared you, my love,
07:38to my filly among Pharaoh's chariots.
07:43Now begin, first of all,
07:45noticing that Solomon calls her for the first time,
07:48my love, or the New King James Version has my love,
07:53and some other passages have my darling.
07:56This is the first time that this appears
07:58in the book of Song of Solomon,
08:00but it appears nine more times before we're finished.
08:03It is one of Solomon's favorite terms
08:05for the Shulamite woman.
08:07He makes reference to her in this way often.
08:11Now remember also that Shulamite
08:13has been mistreated by her brothers.
08:15In the earlier part of this text,
08:17we learn that she was forced to work out in the vineyards
08:20because her brothers were angry with her.
08:22We don't know anything about that
08:24except she had some sibling problems at home.
08:29And Solomon wants her to know
08:31that she's going to be comfortable in his presence,
08:34that he will never mistreat her.
08:36He will honor her.
08:37He will protect her.
08:37He will provide for her and love her.
08:39And what Solomon did next,
08:41I would not suggest any of you men take literally.
08:46Solomon assures his bride that to him,
08:49she is as beautiful as his horses.
08:54And to us, this seems hardly flattering.
08:57The closest we ever come to that is the old gray mare.
09:00She ain't what she used to be.
09:07But at that time in the Orient,
09:10the horse was not a beast of burden,
09:12but the cherished companion of kings.
09:16And if you know anything at all about Solomon,
09:18you know how Solomon loved his horses.
09:20In 1 Kings chapter 10,
09:22we read that Solomon gathered chariots and horsemen
09:25and had 1,400 chariots and 12,000 horsemen.
09:30You can only imagine how many horses he had.
09:34Now, you see, Pharaoh's chariots were pulled by stallions,
09:40all of them stallions.
09:42And a mare among the stallions would have been very unusual.
09:48So Shulamith is being likened to an only female
09:52in a world of males.
09:54In other words, she is one in a million.
09:58What incredible value she possesses.
10:01And she was, in Solomon's estimation, utterly priceless.
10:04She was desired not just by him, but by all others.
10:09She was his special occupation, his special love,
10:14his special attention.
10:16She was unique, she was different, and she was loved.
10:21Tell her she is loved.
10:25When we first get started, we do that a lot.
10:30When we're engaged, we're on our way toward marriage.
10:33We tell each other we love one another all the time.
10:36And then when you get married, you still do it,
10:37but it kind of slips into the background.
10:39Because you see, in a marriage relationship,
10:42a lot of our language ends up becoming
10:44very functional language.
10:45Isn't that true?
10:46Who's going to take out the trash today?
10:48Have you got the kids?
10:48Who's going to take care of the bank account?
10:50Who's getting the groceries?
10:51Is everything okay?
10:52When are we taking all this stuff, all this?
10:54And if you're not careful, all of this language,
10:56and it's very difficult, more today than ever before,
10:59because life is so complicated,
11:01if you're not careful, all the functional language
11:03pushes out all the Romantic language.
11:05There's no time for it.
11:07Howard Hendricks was my professor at Dallas Seminary,
11:10and he used to love to tell the story
11:11about his Bible study with the Dallas Cowboys
11:14back in the days when they were winning championships
11:16all the time.
11:17And there was an offensive guard,
11:20whose name I won't tell you,
11:21who weighed 380 pounds.
11:23He was about 6'8", 380, just a mountain of a man.
11:27And he used to come to these sessions,
11:29and Dr. Hendricks found out
11:31that he was having some marital stress at home.
11:33And so he counseled with him.
11:36One of the first questions he asked him,
11:38he said,
11:38do you ever tell your wife that you love her?
11:41He said,
11:42I told my wife that I loved her the day we got married,
11:45and it's in effect until I tell her it's not.
11:49Now you understand why they were having some problems
11:51in that home.
11:54Friends, we have to say that a lot, don't we?
11:56We have to find ways to say it,
11:58be creative, but say it often.
12:00No one ever, ever is told they are loved too much.
12:05So Solomon begins by telling Shulamith that she is loved,
12:09and then he tells her that she is lovely.
12:11In verse 10, he said,
12:14your cheeks are lovely with ornaments,
12:16your neck with chains of gold.
12:20Solomon now focuses on Shulamith's beauty.
12:24Her cheeks were lovely and beautiful.
12:26They were enhanced by dancing earrings,
12:29the ornaments and jewelry that graced them.
12:32Her neck was also beautiful with strings of jewels.
12:37Her ornaments did not detract from her beauty.
12:42They enhanced her appearance.
12:45There was nothing extravagant or excessive about her.
12:50She had a simple beauty that was just unequaled.
12:54How many of you know there is a simple beauty,
12:58especially when we are young,
13:01that oftentimes gets complicated
13:04when we try to add things to it
13:06that carry the beauty away,
13:09and the attention becomes the ornaments
13:11instead of the beauty.
13:12In this situation, Solomon is complimenting her.
13:15He is telling her how beautiful she is
13:18and describing the way she appears to him
13:20as he looks at her through the eyes of love.
13:23When we praise one another,
13:25we should be particular in our praise,
13:27and it will speak to our mate's heart
13:30and create an environment of romance.
13:34Someone says,
13:34well, tell me, Pastor, how do I do that?
13:36I'm not good with those words.
13:38Well, I'm not going to tell you how to do it
13:39because if I do,
13:40and then you tell her what I said,
13:42she'll say,
13:43oh, you just heard that at church,
13:44and it won't mean anything at all.
13:46I'm depending on you to get a bit creative.
13:48Find out how to communicate your love to your spouse,
13:51and this is primarily the problem of a man
13:55so that she gets the message,
13:56and it's not just the routine.
14:00So be personal with your praise.
14:01That's the first thing.
14:02Now, here's something very interesting.
14:04Number two, be public with your praise.
14:07Verse 11,
14:09we will make your ornaments of gold
14:11with studs of silver.
14:14Now, I want you to take your Bibles, if you will,
14:16and look down at verse 9,
14:17and what is the first word in verse 9?
14:21What is it, class?
14:22I.
14:23All right, now look down at verse 11.
14:26What is the first word?
14:27Praise to you.
14:28So something has taken place
14:30between verse 9 and verse 11.
14:32In verse 9, this is personal praise,
14:35but when you get to verse 11,
14:36this is praise taking place
14:38not in the private of the beloved alone,
14:41but this is praise in the public forum.
14:44The friends of verse 4
14:47join Solomon in honoring his lady,
14:50and there's an apparent application
14:52in this obscure change in person.
14:54What we say about our spouses in public
14:58is important.
15:01In his New York Times bestseller,
15:03The Five Languages of Love,
15:05Gary Chapman writes,
15:07you may also want to try giving indirect words
15:10of affirmation.
15:12That is, saying positive things about your spouse
15:16when he or she is not present.
15:19Eventually, someone will tell your spouse,
15:21and you'll get full credit for love.
15:24Then he makes this marvelous suggestion, man.
15:26Take notes here.
15:28Tell your wife's mother how great your wife is.
15:31When her mother tells her what you said,
15:34it will be exaggerated,
15:35and you will get even more credit.
15:40Also, affirm your spouse in front of others
15:45when he or she is present.
15:48When you are given public honor
15:50for an accomplishment, wrote Gary Chapman,
15:52be sure to share the credit with your spouse.
15:56Winston Churchill once attended
15:58a formal banquet in London
16:02at which the attending dignitaries
16:05were asked this question.
16:07If you could not be who you are,
16:10who would you like to be?
16:12And this was going to be answered
16:13at the end of the banquet,
16:14and all of the dignitaries had to respond.
16:16And Churchill, seated next to his beloved wife,
16:19Clemmie, was the final respondent to the question.
16:24He slowly got up and gave his answer.
16:28If I could not be who I am,
16:30I would most like to be.
16:33And he paused and took the hand of Clemmie.
16:37I would most like to be
16:39Lady Churchill's second husband.
16:44And James Humes, who wrote the history
16:49of Churchill, said,
16:51that night, the old boy made some points.
16:56You remember when we were studying
16:59Captured by Grace and John Newton's life,
17:02and I told you how much he loved Mary
17:04and the things he used to say about her.
17:06Remember, he one time said,
17:07when I walk into a room where Mary is not present,
17:10it seems as if the room is unfurnished.
17:15And you always hear that, and you think,
17:16why couldn't I think of something like that, you know?
17:18Well, here's what I want us to take away
17:21from this section of our talk today.
17:24How we refer to our spouses in public
17:27says so much about our relationship.
17:30We should never, ever say critical things
17:33about our husband or our wife in front of others.
17:37As a pastor, over the years,
17:40I have watched the devastation
17:41that takes place when this happens.
17:4430 years ago, almost to this day,
17:47we were going through a capital campaign
17:49to raise some money for a building
17:50we were getting ready to build.
17:52And we had a big formal dinner at a country club.
17:57Many of the leaders of our church were there,
17:59and all of the committee members
18:00for the capital campaign were there.
18:02And we'd had a wonderful dinner,
18:04and we'd stayed afterwards to talk a little bit
18:07some strategy that we were going to need.
18:08And one of the men who was in our group,
18:11his wife came over while we were talking,
18:14and she called him by name.
18:15She said, you know, we have a babysitter tonight.
18:17We're gonna have to go pretty quick.
18:19And in front of all of us,
18:21he turned around and he said,
18:22well, if you want to go home now,
18:24why don't you just walk?
18:27And I mean, it just stunned everybody.
18:30It shut the place down practically.
18:32Now listen to me carefully.
18:34That was 30 years ago,
18:36and I remember it as if it happened yesterday.
18:39I see the picture.
18:40I hear the words.
18:42I see the devastation on that woman's face.
18:45And I was thinking this week,
18:47if I remember it that vividly,
18:49what do you suppose happened in her heart?
18:54Don't use your words as a way to bludgeon your mate
18:58in the presence of others.
19:00That will do more to destroy your marriage
19:02than just about anything you can do.
19:05Always speak positively.
19:08If you've got an issue,
19:08go home, shut the door, and deal with it.
19:11But don't run it out in front of other people
19:14in a way that would be devastating to your partner.
19:18Here we get into some interesting discussion,
19:21beginning in verse 12.
19:22Be passionate with your praise.
19:25Now something's going to take place here.
19:27We have another transition.
19:28Up until this point,
19:31Solomon has been praising Shulamith.
19:35But now, beginning in verse 12,
19:38Shulamith is going to praise Solomon.
19:40It's very interesting because here in the text,
19:43it looks like Solomon and Shulamith
19:46are having a contest to see
19:48who can say the nicest things about each other.
19:50What a wonderful contest for marriages to have.
19:53And Solomon has expressed his love
19:56and his affirmation for Shulamith.
20:00And now she's ready to respond.
20:03And she's trying to outdo him.
20:05You can see this.
20:06I was reading Gordon MacDonald's book,
20:09Magnificent Marriage,
20:10which was written way back in the 70s.
20:12And he was talking about this passage in his book.
20:14I was kind of surprised to find it.
20:16And he said,
20:18these are two people whose emotions are so swelled
20:21that words are inadequate
20:23to express what they are feeling.
20:25They must resort to other images,
20:27like the strength and the beauty of trees
20:29or the taste of fruit.
20:31He said,
20:31suddenly I realized why a man
20:34may call his wife honey or baby.
20:37A loving couple began early in their relationship
20:41to develop a private vocabulary,
20:44some of which they would never disclose
20:46to the outside world.
20:48These words have significance,
20:49which only the two understand.
20:53When Donna and I first got married,
20:56we went off to seminary.
20:58And I was taking Greek.
21:01And one day I came home
21:02and I told Donna that I loved her in Greek.
21:07And she said,
21:08how do you say that?
21:08I told her.
21:09And from that day to this,
21:11those words are special words between us.
21:15The Greek words for I love you.
21:16Now, you know, Greek isn't a spoken language,
21:18at least not Koine Greek.
21:19So these are really, really special words.
21:21They're not spoken anywhere anymore.
21:23We've got them all to ourself.
21:25And you know, friends,
21:26when you do that,
21:27that's a special thing.
21:28And I would encourage you to do that.
21:30That's great.
21:32People hear you talking
21:33and they don't know what you're talking about.
21:34Even our kids didn't know that
21:35until I told them today.
21:38Special words.
21:41Well, first of all,
21:43Shulamith is going to be passionate
21:45about Solomon's dignity.
21:47Notice verse 12.
21:48While the king is at his table,
21:51my spikenard sends forth its fragrance.
21:54Now, she's going to describe her love for Solomon
21:58by using the description,
22:00now watch this,
22:02of three different kinds of perfume.
22:04There are three perfumes
22:06in these verses that are before us.
22:08The first perfume is what she called spikenard,
22:11sometimes called nard.
22:14And it is a very, very special perfume.
22:19Spikenard was derived from a plant
22:23native to the Himalayan region of India.
22:25It was very difficult to get.
22:27It was very scarce.
22:29If you were to walk into a cosmetic counter
22:31to buy it,
22:32if you could transfer that image into that day,
22:34it would have been the most costly perfume available.
22:38Where she got it, how she got it, I don't know.
22:40But she had some spikenard.
22:42And the pungency of spikenard
22:43is illustrated for us in the New Testament.
22:45Do you remember the story of Mary of Bethany
22:47who had an alabaster box,
22:49and she had this expensive perfume in it,
22:52and she poured it on Jesus.
22:55And the Bible says it filled the entire house
22:58with its fragrance.
22:59It was pungent stuff.
23:02So you can imagine a small amount skillfully placed
23:05on the body of the Shulamite
23:07was certain to reach the nostrils of Solomon.
23:13She's excited about her king seated at the royal banquet.
23:18She's passionate about his dignity.
23:21And then she's passionate about his devotion.
23:25Notice verse 13.
23:28A bundle of myrrh is my beloved to me
23:32that lies all night between my breasts.
23:36Literally, Shulamite says,
23:38my lover is to me a sachet of myrrh
23:42resting between my breasts.
23:45Now, let me tell you a little bit,
23:47first of all, about myrrh.
23:49It is a resinous gum
23:51gathered from a species of a South Arabian tree.
23:54If you had it in liquid form,
23:56you'd carry it in small bottles like a perfume.
23:58But it was also used in solid form.
24:01And the way it could be carried
24:02in a small pouch or sachet
24:04worn about the neck of a woman.
24:07And it worked like this.
24:08It was mixed a little bit with fat.
24:10And as the fat melted
24:11because of the heat of the body,
24:13the aroma of the myrrh would fill the room.
24:16Now, listen to what Shulamite is saying to Solomon.
24:20It is not really a sexual thing at all.
24:23It's simply how she feels.
24:25And she says,
24:26her thoughts to him are as fragrant
24:28and refreshing as the perfume
24:31that rises before her.
24:33She compares Solomon
24:35to this precious, sweet-smelling bundle
24:38that's in this little sachet
24:40and lays all night close to her heart.
24:44She's saying,
24:45Solomon, you were always with me.
24:48You were always close to my heart.
24:51Her thoughts of him are fragrant
24:53and refreshing as the perfume
24:55that rises before her.
24:57And she carries those thoughts of Solomon
24:59through the night in peaceful sleep.
25:02Pretty tender, pretty special,
25:05pretty intimate between this couple.
25:08And then she's not only passionate
25:10about his dignity
25:11and passionate about his devotion,
25:13but in the next perfume,
25:15in verse 14,
25:16we're going to see
25:17that she's passionate
25:17about his distinction.
25:19My beloved to me
25:21is a cluster of henna blooms
25:23in the vineyards of En Gede.
25:25En Gede is a very interesting place
25:28on the western shore of the Dead Sea.
25:31It is barren and desolate in desert
25:34and has sort of a semi-tropical vegetation,
25:37if you will.
25:38And on this place,
25:41in this place near En Gede,
25:44the henna blooms,
25:46and it's a beautiful white kind of flower.
25:50And it has yellow in it,
25:51and it's in clusters,
25:52and it smells like roses.
25:56And the analogy here is very striking.
25:59To Shulamith,
26:01Solomon was like an oasis
26:02with its surprising pleasures
26:05in the midst of the desert.
26:08She says,
26:09all I have seen up until I have seen you
26:11is a bunch of men,
26:12and it's a desert of men.
26:13I've seen a desert of men
26:15till I came to you,
26:16and then when I saw you,
26:17you were like my oasis
26:19in the midst of it all.
26:21You see,
26:21we have to go back
26:22into the culture of that day
26:23and kind of translate
26:24the way they talked into our day.
26:27When was the last time
26:29you told your husband
26:30how blessed you were
26:32to have him as your husband?
26:34Because he was obviously
26:36uniquely prepared by God
26:38just for you.
26:40Distinctly yours,
26:41yours alone.
26:43So what we have here
26:46is praise
26:47between a man and a woman.
26:50Personal praise,
26:51public praise,
26:53and passionate praise.
26:55Now, when we look at all of this
26:57and we say,
26:58okay, now I'm gonna go back
26:59to the real world tomorrow.
27:00Pastor, what can I take away from this?
27:01And so I thought of this.
27:03Where would you go
27:05if you were at the edge
27:06of the sermon right now
27:07and say,
27:07okay, how can I get
27:08some really practical principles
27:10that will help me
27:11do a better job
27:12with my words?
27:13And where would you go
27:15except to the other writings
27:16of this same man?
27:18Where do you find
27:20short, succinct principles
27:21on how to live life?
27:23It's in the Proverbs, isn't it?
27:25So you just go back
27:26a few pages,
27:26and as you page
27:27through the book
27:27of Proverbs,
27:28you realize that the wise man Solomon
27:31gave us some principles.
27:33And I wanna just give you four
27:34quickly before we shut
27:35our Bibles today.
27:36Number one,
27:38speak sweet words
27:40to one another.
27:41Speak sweet words.
27:43Proverbs 16, 24,
27:44pleasant words
27:45are like a honeycomb,
27:46sweetness to the soul
27:48and the health
27:49of the bones.
27:51John Gottman wrote a book
27:53called
27:53A Couple's Guide to Communication,
27:56and in that book,
27:56he said,
27:57the most consistent research
27:58about what is different
27:59in the communication
28:00of strangers
28:01and people married
28:03to each other
28:04is that married people
28:05are ruder to each other
28:07than they are to strangers.
28:09They interrupt their spouses more,
28:12put their spouses down more,
28:14and are less complimentary
28:15to each other.
28:17Someone once said,
28:19a courtship begins
28:20when a man whispers
28:21sweet nothings,
28:23and it ends
28:23when he says nothing sweet.
28:27So guys,
28:28I know that's hard
28:28for a lot of us,
28:29but we can learn.
28:30And the Bible tells us
28:32in 1 Peter
28:32that we're to dwell
28:33with our wives
28:34according to understanding.
28:35That means,
28:36among other things,
28:37we're on a learning curve,
28:39and we'll be on that learning curve
28:40for the rest of our lives.
28:42It's not bad
28:43to not know
28:43all that you should know,
28:44but it is bad
28:45not even to be trying to learn.
28:47So however you go about it,
28:50find out how you can make
28:52your words sweet.
28:53A marriage ought to be
28:54primarily words of sweetness
28:57between two people.
28:59Number two,
29:01speak soft words
29:02to one another.
29:03Proverbs 15.1 says,
29:04a soft answer
29:05turns away wrath,
29:06but a harsh word
29:07stirs up anger.
29:09Harsh words
29:10are really never,
29:11ever necessary
29:12in a marriage relationship.
29:15And listen,
29:17often in our communication,
29:18it isn't the words we say,
29:20it's the tone of voice
29:22in which we say them.
29:26Solomon says
29:27that a soft answer
29:28is the best way
29:29to deal with anxiety
29:31in a relationship.
29:33How we speak
29:34is so important.
29:36Ogden Nash
29:37gave us this little poem
29:38to remember.
29:39He said,
29:39to keep your marriage
29:41brimming
29:41with love
29:42in the loving cup.
29:44Whenever you're wrong,
29:45admit it,
29:46and whenever you're right,
29:47shut up.
29:49And what he was saying is,
29:51don't let arrogance
29:52and pride
29:52ruin your relationship.
29:55Number three,
29:56speak sweet words
29:57to one another,
29:58soft words to one another,
29:59and sensitive words
30:01to one another.
30:02He who gives
30:04the right answer
30:05kisses the lips.
30:08Whoa.
30:09What is he saying?
30:10He's saying that
30:11when you're in a relationship
30:12with each other,
30:13it's not just what you say,
30:15but it's the sensitivity
30:16you have
30:16to what's been said
30:17and how you respond to it.
30:19And when you hit it,
30:20when you make it work,
30:22it's like kissing the lips.
30:25And you grow together
30:26as a couple
30:27and spend more time
30:28and you make this something
30:29that you care about.
30:30You will discover
30:31along the way
30:33how to say
30:34just the right thing
30:36to your spouse.
30:37Finally,
30:39speak sweet words,
30:40soft words,
30:41sensitive words,
30:42and finally,
30:43strengthening words,
30:44strengthening words
30:45to one another.
30:47Proverbs 12, 25 says,
30:49anxiety in the heart
30:50of a man
30:50weighs it down,
30:53but a good word
30:54makes it glad.
30:57Anxiety in the heart
30:58of a man
30:59weighs it down,
31:01but a good word
31:02makes it glad.
31:03Let me just translate
31:04that into our culture.
31:06Ladies,
31:06this is kind of for you.
31:08Your man comes home,
31:09he's had a stressful day.
31:11A lot of anxiety
31:12out there in the business world.
31:13Can I get a witness?
31:15I mean,
31:16it's tough
31:16to make a living today.
31:17A lot of things
31:18are different
31:18than they used to be.
31:19So he comes home
31:19and man,
31:20he's given it
31:20everything he has
31:21and he walks in the door
31:23and the Bible says,
31:26a good word
31:28will make him glad.
31:30A good word.
31:31You know,
31:31one of the words
31:32that a guy likes to hear
31:33more than anything else
31:33is,
31:34honey,
31:34I am so proud of you
31:35for the way
31:37you provide
31:38for us
31:39and for our family.
31:40It never gets old,
31:42ever.
31:43Guys like to know
31:44that they're being respected
31:45and honored
31:47and loved
31:48and that's one of the ways
31:50you can say that.
31:51And listen to this again.
31:52Anxiety in the heart
31:53of a man
31:54weighs it down,
31:56but a good word
31:57makes it glad.
31:59Did you know
32:00that in the New Testament
32:01there are 15 different passages
32:03that talk about
32:04how to respond
32:05to one another
32:06in the family of God.
32:0715 different ones.
32:09And five of those passages
32:10say
32:11the way you respond
32:12to one another
32:13is with encouragement.
32:15Encourage one another.
32:17In our marriages,
32:18do our words
32:19build up one another
32:21or do they beat down
32:22one another?
32:24Hmm.
32:27In his book,
32:28The Fine Art of Friendship,
32:29Ted Engstrom tells
32:31of a man named Joe.
32:33Joe had just about had it
32:35with his wife
32:36of three years.
32:37He no longer thought
32:39of her as attractive
32:40or interesting.
32:42He considered her
32:43to be a poor housekeeper.
32:46She'd gotten overweight.
32:48He no longer wanted
32:49even to live with her.
32:50In fact,
32:51he didn't just
32:52want to get away from her.
32:54He didn't like her
32:54and he wanted to
32:55pay her back
32:57for all the misery
32:57she'd caused him
32:58in three years.
33:00He was so upset
33:01that he finally decided
33:02to get a divorce.
33:03But before he served
33:04the papers,
33:05he made an appointment
33:06with a psychologist
33:07with whom he was friends
33:08for the specific purpose
33:10of figuring out
33:11how to make her life
33:12as difficult as possible
33:13in the days that remained
33:15before the divorce
33:16became final.
33:18Well, the psychologist
33:19listened to his story
33:20and gave him some counsel.
33:22He said he had thought
33:22about this
33:23and he came up
33:23with a real sinister plan.
33:26Joe, here's what you got to do.
33:28Starting tonight
33:29when you get home,
33:30I want you to treat your wife
33:31as if she were a goddess.
33:33That's right, a goddess.
33:34I want you to change
33:35your attitude toward her
33:36180 degrees,
33:37start doing everything
33:38in your power to please her,
33:39listen intently to her
33:40when she talks about her problems,
33:42help out around the house,
33:43take her out to dinner,
33:44literally pretend
33:45that she's a goddess
33:46and after two months
33:47of this wonderful behavior,
33:49just pack up your bags
33:50and walk out.
33:53That should get her.
33:55And Joe thought,
33:57wow, what a plan.
33:58He couldn't wait
33:59to get started.
34:02That night,
34:03he started treating his wife
34:04as if she were a goddess.
34:05He couldn't wait
34:05to do things for her.
34:06He brought her breakfast in bed,
34:08had flowers delivered to her
34:09for no apparent reason
34:10and within three weeks,
34:12the two of them
34:13had gone on
34:13two romantic weekend vacations.
34:15They even read books
34:17to each other at night
34:18and Joe listened to her
34:19as never before.
34:20It was incredible,
34:21all the effort
34:22he was putting into this scheme.
34:25And he kept it up
34:26for two full months.
34:28After the allotted time,
34:29the psychologist
34:30gave Joe a call at work.
34:32He said,
34:33how's it going?
34:34Did you file for divorce?
34:35Are you a happy bachelor again?
34:37He said,
34:38divorce?
34:39Man,
34:39I'm married to a goddess.
34:41I've never been happier
34:42in my life.
34:45Which says this,
34:47we become how we're treated often,
34:49do we not?
34:51You don't like the way
34:52things are at your house?
34:53You have all the options
34:54in your hands.
34:56You do the right thing.
34:58We're going to learn more
34:59about this later on
35:00in this study.
35:01There's a predictable cycle
35:03in our relationship
35:03that means you can start
35:05wherever you are
35:05and begin immediately
35:06to make a difference.
35:08And I hope that you will.
35:10Now, you know,
35:11in this series,
35:12I've been telling you
35:12and I will continue
35:14to tell you
35:14that the greatest thing
35:15you can do
35:16for your marriage
35:17is to get on the same page
35:19with your partner
35:20in relationship to God.
35:22And I know that some people
35:24don't understand
35:24how that works
35:25and so I want to share with you
35:27how it works.
35:28You see,
35:29men and women,
35:30there are three kinds
35:31of intimacy that we know.
35:33One is physical,
35:34that's what everybody
35:34talks about.
35:36One is emotional,
35:37and that's very important.
35:38But the most intimate
35:39of intimacy
35:39is spiritual intimacy.
35:41That's the reason
35:42when God wanted
35:43to find a way
35:44to illustrate
35:45the relationship
35:46between Christ
35:47and the church,
35:48he chose the marriage relationship
35:50as his illustration.
35:52And some of you say,
35:53well, pastor,
35:54how does that work?
35:55Well, it works like this.
35:58Suppose you and your husband
36:00have been married
36:01for a short time.
36:03And we'll just use this
36:04as an illustration
36:05and I don't have anybody
36:05in mind here.
36:07Your wife has become
36:09a Christian
36:09and she has a relationship
36:11with God,
36:12but you don't.
36:14And if you look
36:15at that picture,
36:16you realize there's
36:16an empty side
36:17of this triangle
36:18that needs to be completed.
36:21And at the base
36:23of the triangle,
36:23you and your husband
36:25are like this.
36:27But let's suppose
36:28because he watches your life
36:30and he sees you
36:31living for Christ
36:32and it's made a difference
36:33in the way you love him
36:34and in your submission
36:36to him as a wife.
36:37He starts to become a seeker
36:38and he looks after God
36:40and when he does that,
36:41what happens is interesting.
36:43He not only gets closer to God,
36:45but in the process,
36:46he gets closer to you.
36:47Do you see?
36:48The line between husband
36:49and wife now
36:50is shorter
36:50than where we started.
36:52And let's suppose
36:53that he continues to seek
36:55and he wants to know the Lord
36:56and some way along the way,
36:57he accepts Jesus Christ
36:59as his personal Savior
37:00and now you can see
37:02not only is he getting closer
37:03to God,
37:04but he's getting closer to you.
37:06And finally,
37:06as you go along,
37:07the ultimate goal
37:08is to continually grow
37:10until you're together
37:12in Christ.
37:13And that is the most intimate place
37:16you can ever be.
37:19And that's why
37:20if you want the best
37:21in your marriage,
37:22if you want your marriage
37:23to be all that it can be,
37:25you can stay down here like this
37:27and still be married,
37:28but you start coming together
37:30toward God.
37:31And here's another part
37:32of that illustration
37:33that's very important
37:34even for Christians.
37:36Two tuning forks
37:37tuned to the same piano
37:39will be in tune
37:41with each other.
37:43One of the best things
37:44you can do
37:44for your marriage, sir,
37:46is to stay close to God,
37:48to walk with him,
37:50to love him
37:51and be loved by him.
37:52Same thing for you, ma'am.
37:53And the more you love God,
37:55the more you love each other,
37:56the more you grow closer to him
37:58and the more you grow closer together.
38:01And so, you see,
38:03the reason I want you
38:04to come to know Christ
38:05as your personal Savior
38:06if you haven't done that already
38:08is because until you do that,
38:10you will have some intimacy
38:12in your marriage,
38:13but you can never have
38:15the intimacy God created you to have
38:17because he didn't create you
38:18to have one side left open.
38:20He created you
38:22to be a personal,
38:24physical, emotional,
38:26and spiritual person.
38:28When God comes to live
38:29within your heart,
38:30that doesn't mean
38:31you never have any marital issues
38:32or stress.
38:33Christians have those too.
38:35But now you discover
38:36that God is enough
38:37and he helps you
38:39through those challenges.
38:41So my encouragement to you
38:43is this.
38:44If you've never trusted Christ,
38:46whether you be the wife
38:47in the relationship
38:48or the husband
38:49or whether you're here
38:50as a couple
38:51and you're dating
38:52and you're trying to figure out
38:53what this marriage thing
38:55is all about,
38:56the greatest thing
38:57you can do
38:57for your future
38:58and for your marriage
38:59is to invite Jesus Christ
39:02to come in
39:03and be your Lord and Savior
39:04and then together
39:06as a couple
39:06you can have this oneness
39:08that the Bible teaches
39:10is so special.
39:12And you know what?
39:13That's what I want
39:14for all of you.
39:16That's why I'm doing
39:17what I'm doing.
39:18So that you can hear
39:20the real message
39:21in this book
39:22is about your relationship
39:24to one another
39:25and your relationship
39:27to God.