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00:00This is 66.6 Death M, because you're stuck with the sultry tones of my voice for the next hour
00:06or so.
00:07So allow me to introduce myself, my name is Stan Broker and I will be your frightful yet delightful conductor
00:12for this evening.
00:14Now your driver tonight is a veteran of this service, one of the old guard.
00:18His name is Harjah, he knows these streets like the back of his hand.
00:23Because that's where he's drawn the directions.
00:25But like a fine wine he just gets better with age.
00:27It's just a shame the same can't be said about his driving abilities.
00:30But on behalf of the Necrobus Company we welcome you aboard this service.
00:34Where you could have chosen any other wholesome, open-topped, vintage delight tonight.
00:38Instead you chose to join us on a black double-decker without any heating.
00:42Why? Because you're sick in the head, aren't you?
00:45Yes, we see you binging those serial killer documentaries.
00:48We see you down those conspiracy theory rabbit holes till two in the morning.
00:52You've come seeking murder, torture, execution, retribution, the supernatural, spooked spirits, ghost ghouls, goblins, gremlins, and maybe, just maybe, a
01:01few jokes as well.
01:03Now it goes without saying that some of you might not make it through the next 30 seconds.
01:07So prepare yourselves, hold on tight, for the health and safety talk.
01:13Now it goes without saying this bus is about to start moving.
01:16So rule number one, please remain seated while the bus is in motion.
01:21Rule two, please no hot food or drink aboard this service.
01:24I will not be held responsible for any third-degree burns.
01:27Rule three, please treat the bus, and indeed your fellow passengers, with the utmost respect.
01:32A little natter between yourselves, absolutely fine.
01:35Just bear in mind some of you might want to listen to my drivel.
01:39And finally, if you do have any alcohol on your person, please ensure this has been handed over to your
01:44driver, Harja, who'll be sure to keep it safe for the entirety of this tour.
01:50Now in the interest of your safety and security, rest assured we have installed state-of-the-art CTTV technology
01:56aboard this service.
01:57Starting with my ugly mug on the conductor cam.
02:00But there's more where that came from.
02:02We've also got the downstairs cam, evening downstairs.
02:06Oh, very pleasant, very polite.
02:09We've also got the upstairs cam, make some noise upstairs.
02:14Some of you impersonating ghosts already, it's going to be a long talk.
02:17We've also got the stairs cam, a little bit like my love life, not much going on there at the
02:21moment.
02:22And we've also got a recently installed foot cam, which no doubt will please one or two of you, whether
02:28floats your boat or indeed drives your bus.
02:30Speaking of which, allow me to introduce you to the vehicle you now find yourselves on, a genuine 1960s carcass
02:37coach.
02:37Now what I mean by that is, before we became the sightseeing tour you know and love today, we used
02:42to cater for funerals.
02:44That's right, transporting the recently deceased to the cemeteries out of town.
02:48And how that would work is those in the coffins, the dead, they'd all be shoved down here, right where
02:53you lot are sat.
02:54Great job on the seating clan, meanwhile upstairs where you lot are, was reserved for all the mourners.
03:01No, that's the wrong cam, Stan, there we go, upstairs.
03:03This was reserved for the weepers, and the wailers, and the moaners, and the shriekers, and the movers, and the
03:08shakers, etc, etc.
03:10But that all came grinding to a halt, you see, because some moons ago, we had a frightening little event
03:15of our own.
03:16Though we refer to lovingly in HQ as the Necrobus Depot incident.
03:25A nasty fire, that is.
03:27You see, someone sneaked into our bus depot late one night, and set ablaze the whole place.
03:32Wiped out the entire fleet, all except this bus.
03:37Not a scorch mark, not a scratch on the thing.
03:40It lived to tell the tale, and soon began to garner a bit of a reputation.
03:44We realised people had far more interest in the afterlife than we first thought.
03:48So lo and behold, we all find ourselves together on a sightseeing tour.
03:52So welcome to London.
03:54Welcome to Trafalgar Square.
03:56Take in the goodness of it all whilst it lasts, because we're about to get grizzly.
04:00And I'm not talking lions, or tigers, or bears.
04:03Oh my.
04:05There we are.
04:05Wave those lions goodbye.
04:07Those majestic lions that aren't very majestic, because the corpse that the sculpt was using to design them decomposed before
04:14he finished.
04:15He finished the job using his house cat.
04:18They've got kitty paws, those ferocious lions.
04:48There we are.
04:50On the day of 1927, a black leather suitcase turns up in lost property, smelling rather odd.
04:56So the porters open up the case, and inside they discover a body of a young lady who's been hacked
05:02up into pieces.
05:03Her arms and legs all wrapped in brown paper.
05:06But this is no Jack and Jill story, my friends.
05:08And I know what you're thinking.
05:09Not Jack the Ripper either.
05:10Rather, John Robinson.
05:13I know it's not quite as scary, is it?
05:15But the police managed to track John down.
05:18And unbelievably, John claims the whole thing's a big misunderstanding.
05:21John claims the whole thing was an accident.
05:24Because she'd attacked him first.
05:25Then had a bit of a scuffle.
05:26She'd fallen, smacked her head.
05:28And he was worried if this story went to court, no one would believe him.
05:32And that's why he simply had to hack her into pieces, wrap her in brown paper, shove her in a
05:36suitcase and drop her off at Charing Cross.
05:38We've all been there, haven't we?
05:41Now, indeed, John does get his day in court.
05:45He gets to tell his story.
05:46And in response to this accidental death, what we do is we accidentally tie a noose around John's neck and
05:53accidentally take the floor from beneath him.
05:55It was either that or a hung jury.
06:01That's the worst joke of the evening.
06:03I thought we'd get it out of the way nice and early.
06:04Thanks for bearing with.
06:05But if you came for a dramatic tale, there'd be no better place to find him than London's West End.
06:12Welcome to Theatreland.
06:13I mean, where do we start?
06:15Well, let's take in the Savoy on our right-hand side.
06:19Paddington the Musical on show at present.
06:22But they're a little bit superstitious at the old Savoy Hotel.
06:25They've got a nasty case there of Triscadecophobia, that is, fear of 13.
06:30If you go to the Savoy, you'll discover there's no room 13 and there's no floor 13.
06:35You know why?
06:37Because there's only seven floors.
06:39But if we were to say, stuff and nonsense, I don't believe in that superstitious rot.
06:44We're going to book dinner for 13 just to mess with them, because how bad can it be?
06:49Well, we arrive with our party of 13, only to discover they've laid out 14 places for us.
06:54Because joining us for dinner is a very special guest.
06:57A very small statue of a cat named Casper.
07:01And Casper will sit with you for the entirety of your meal.
07:04They'll tie him napkin around his neck.
07:06They used to give him a bowl of cream and everything.
07:09I know what you're thinking, food waste.
07:11I don't do it anymore.
07:12But when he's not whining and dying with the guests, the fun never stops for Casper,
07:16because they chuck him over on reception to check out the guests checking in.
07:21Which is arguably the harder job, isn't it?
07:23There's so much to remember.
07:24Breakfast finishes at 10, checkouts at 11, key cards in the little box and put your towels in the bath.
07:29Nightmare.
07:31Now, speaking of nightmares, coming up on your left-hand side is a pub.
07:35Two large lanterns mark the Lyceum Tavern.
07:38Now, if you were the manager of the Lyceum Theatre back in the Victorian era,
07:42you lived above this pub free of charge.
07:44That's a rather precarious situation.
07:46But it did mean it was a very easy commute to work.
07:49You could have a messy night in the pub, run out of bed at 10 to 9, still making it
07:53to work on time.
07:55And indeed, one very famous co-manager of the Lyceum Theatre was a little Irish bloke.
08:00And his name was Bram Stoker.
08:03A little book called Dracula.
08:05Managed that theatre over there for 27 years.
08:08A bit of a plague of big triumphs going on over there, but we'll move past that.
08:12In the meantime, if you came for a horror show in the West End, look left,
08:15because there's Mamma Mia! the musical over there at the Novello Theatre.
08:19I know.
08:20But indeed, some of these theatres go back several hundreds of years,
08:25so have certainly had time to earn their stripes.
08:28And I must admit, my favourite theatre ghost, Joseph Grimaldi,
08:32who haunts the Theatre Royal Drury Lane,
08:34London's oldest and therefore most haunted theatre.
08:38Now, many actors treading the boards at Drury Lane over the years.
08:42Now, they've reported being on stage, and they're getting a pants response from the audience.
08:47Where are the tears? Where are the cheers?
08:49But lo and behold, they've reported feeling a pair of ghostly hands,
08:53put a hold of them, guided them to another spot on stage,
08:55and all of a sudden, the applause erupts.
09:00Cheers, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me.
09:02Why did you stop, mate? My ego's very fragile.
09:05No, it's too late. It's too late now.
09:06Well, there we go.
09:07Mr Grimaldi joining us on the bus this evening to lend a helping hand,
09:11which is nice of him.
09:13Funnily enough, whenever we get teenagers jumping on board this thing
09:15who've not paid for a ticket, his helping hands nowhere to be seen.
09:19Pictures moments, doesn't it?
09:20Diva.
09:21But we're not leaving theatre land behind just yet, at least not in spirit.
09:25But we will be waving goodbye to the city of Westminster,
09:29so feel free to turn and do that now.
09:31Wave it goodbye in the rear view.
09:33Check yourself out in the cams whilst you're at it.
09:35Oh, we're all narcissists at heart, aren't we?
09:38And Stan needs a haircut.
09:40But truth be told, we're heading to the right place for one,
09:43cos we're about to take a little tour down Fleet Street.
09:46And for any musical theatre fans who board the bus,
09:49I imagine you know 186 is the home of the demon barber,
09:53Mr Sweeney Todd,
09:56a.k.a. Johnny Depp.
09:58Now, Sweeney Todd was a barber surgeon.
10:00Now, what's all that about?
10:02Well, you see, back in the Victorian era,
10:04no NHS in this country.
10:06Can you believe it?
10:07People had to pay to go to the hospital.
10:09I mean, can you and the...
10:11There's no Americans on board the Top Tech this evening, are there?
10:14No? You?
10:15Forget I said anything.
10:17So, if you couldn't afford the hospital bills,
10:19you went and saw Mr Todd instead.
10:21A jack of all trades who could do it all on the cheap.
10:24He could give you a cut price, some might say.
10:27Hacking off a limb, pulling out a tooth,
10:29or even giving you a very close shave.
10:33Oh, you looked away.
10:34I was ready for a staring contest.
10:35No, that's cheating.
10:37You looked away.
10:38Never mind.
10:39But Mr Todd took his antics a little bit too far.
10:41I'm not about the staring competitions.
10:43With a slice of his freshly sharpened razor,
10:46he'd slid his customers' throats,
10:47activate a trap door,
10:49and down his customers would go,
10:50into the arms of his beloved,
10:52Mrs Lovett,
10:54who ran a pie shop.
10:55And her affairs were known from far and wide
10:58for a delicious, succulent, meaty flavour,
11:01unlike any other.
11:02Her secret ingredient,
11:06human flesh.
11:07Do you know this individual?
11:09Run.
11:09Run a mile.
11:11Someone's been studying the recipe, boys.
11:13But yes, indeed.
11:14Correct answer.
11:15The customers of Mr Todd wound up in her lovely,
11:18crusty, flaky, meaty pies.
11:20So breathe in the air, people.
11:22If meat and gravy are filling your nostrils,
11:25we're not too far away.
11:26In fact, if you look ahead to this blue street sign,
11:31to the left of it,
11:32you'll see this red brick building on the corner
11:34with blue turquoisey stripes.
11:37Now this red brick building on the corner
11:39with the blue turquoisey stripes
11:40is 186 Fleet Street.
11:43And that is where it all happened.
11:48Or did it?
11:50No.
11:51Because it's a real place
11:52where Mr Todd and Mrs Lovett weren't real.
11:55They were the stuff of legend,
11:56the product of fiction,
11:58what was known as a penny dreadful.
12:01A bit of a precursor to the Gothic novel,
12:03if you will.
12:04A few grin illustrations thrown in for good measure.
12:06Oh, the Victorians loved them.
12:08And you could purchase them weekly for...
12:12A penny?
12:13A penny.
12:14A round of applause for this, sir, yes.
12:16No, genuinely,
12:16you'd be surprised how many people
12:18get that question wrong.
12:19It's the pressure.
12:20It's the pressure.
12:21So well done.
12:22But indeed,
12:22if you came for a real love story
12:24in the Victorian era,
12:25because Mr Todd and Mrs Lovett
12:26are a terrible, toxic example,
12:29Queen Victoria and Prince Albert,
12:31they're the couple goals.
12:33After all,
12:34theirs was a love to last a lifetime.
12:37Which in Albert's case wasn't very long,
12:39as he died at 42 of typhoid fever.
12:41But he wasn't well loved by the British public.
12:44And so,
12:45on his deathbed,
12:45he says,
12:46Now Vicky,
12:46I've had a good run,
12:48but I've got spending a fortune on the funeral mind.
12:50Keep it short,
12:51keep it sweet,
12:52and most importantly,
12:53let me go quietly.
12:55Promise?
12:57Yeah.
12:57Pinky promise?
12:59Yes.
12:59Cheers, Vic.
13:00Albert passes away.
13:03And Victoria does not keep her promise at all.
13:06Because she proceeds to build the Royal Albert Hall
13:09and the Albert Memorial.
13:11And,
13:12as if you didn't think there was enough already
13:14of little men on little horses
13:15in London,
13:16statues that is.
13:17Coming up behind this inconveniently planted tree
13:20on the left-hand side,
13:21you're going to see another of them.
13:23Guess who?
13:24Prince Albert, everybody.
13:25And he will be dothing his cap to us all this evening.
13:28So if anyone's wore headgear,
13:29which is a grand total of none of you up here,
13:31that is disappointing.
13:33Disrespectful.
13:34Now would have been the time to doth your imaginary hat,
13:37I suppose,
13:37and give a little wave,
13:39a little gesture to Albert on the left.
13:40It's what Vicky would have wanted.
13:42After all,
13:43she never really got over Albert.
13:45She never married again.
13:47She continued to wear her morning blacks
13:49till the day she died.
13:49In fact,
13:50she wasn't seen in public
13:51for the following eight years.
13:53Gah!
13:54Reclusive
13:55and only wears black.
13:57You could argue
13:58she was the world's first goth,
14:00couldn't you?
14:00I'm sure she would have loved
14:01my chemical romance
14:02at Wembley the other month.
14:04Now,
14:04speaking of the Black Parade,
14:05you might have heard it said
14:07that out of grief,
14:08Victoria orders all the railings,
14:09all the bollards,
14:10all the horse-drawn cabs of London
14:12be painted black
14:13as a mark of respect for her,
14:15Albert,
14:15and that is why
14:16we still have black cabs to this day.
14:18Ain't that right?
14:19Yeah.
14:20No, that's wrong.
14:21That's false.
14:21That's incorrect.
14:22You walked right into my trap.
14:24Sorry, my friend.
14:25Someone had to be the guinea pig.
14:27But,
14:27in truth,
14:28I imagine you weren't the only one
14:29that thought that.
14:30It's a bit of an urban legend
14:31that's been passed down
14:32through the ages,
14:33but we're here
14:33to face the facts this evening.
14:35Because,
14:36I would argue,
14:37the black railings
14:38and bollards of London
14:39have got more in common
14:41with Mick Jagger
14:42than a majesty
14:43because they're actually
14:44the results
14:45as we wave Albert goodbye.
14:47Cheerio, Albert.
14:48Nice to see you, mate.
14:49They're actually the results
14:50of a quick-drying black paint
14:52developed in the 1950s.
14:54Paints it black indeed,
14:55am I right?
14:56Yeah,
14:57you know what I'm talking about,
14:58don't you?
14:59You don't?
14:59Oh, well,
15:00you had me going there
15:01for a half sec,
15:02but the Rolling Stones.
15:03Anyway,
15:04you didn't come here
15:04for a musical education.
15:05You came here
15:06for blood and gusts and gore,
15:07of course.
15:07Oh, yeah.
15:08Look at the way
15:09your eyes lit up there.
15:11It's time to talk
15:12about public executions.
15:13And I've got good news
15:14for you, my friend.
15:15I come bearing
15:15not one,
15:16not three,
15:17but two sites
15:18of public execution
15:19because we're currently
15:21approaching the former grounds
15:22of Newgate Prison,
15:25London's largest
15:25and most intimidating penitentiary
15:28until it was torn down
15:29in 1902.
15:30This is where all of London's
15:31most devious
15:32and dastardly criminals
15:33were held
15:34until it was time
15:35for them to meet their maker.
15:36That is when
15:37they'd be brought
15:37to this crossroads
15:39just up ahead
15:40because this is
15:40where the gallows were.
15:42This is where all
15:42those 90-90 criminals
15:44were hanged
15:45in front of a live audience
15:46all the way up
15:47until 1868.
15:50And indeed,
15:51the last public execution
15:52that ever took place
15:53in London
15:53happened at these crossroads
15:56and 20,000 people
15:58came from far and wide
15:59to see it.
16:00They came from far,
16:01they came from wide,
16:03they came on the tube
16:04because we've got
16:05the metropolitan line
16:06a full five years
16:07before we abolished
16:08public executions.
16:09Oh yeah,
16:10no punchline needed
16:11at the end of that one.
16:12That fact just has to
16:14hang there.
16:14So,
16:15swiftly moving on.
16:17Well,
16:17I mean,
16:18I say that,
16:19the criminals
16:19that made the gallows
16:20were arguably
16:21the lucky ones
16:22because others
16:22were in for a far worse fate.
16:24Oftentimes,
16:25they were found
16:25dead in their cells.
16:27No,
16:27uh,
16:29evil dealings
16:30with any cellmates,
16:31as it were.
16:32Not exactly
16:32natural causes either,
16:34just a lock of horror
16:35written on their faces.
16:36It was said
16:37they were paid a visit
16:38from the old
16:38Newgate hound,
16:40a black writhing mass
16:41with dripping fangs
16:42and glowing red eyes
16:43that stalked the halls
16:44of Newgate
16:45and said to be
16:46the last thing
16:46those poor criminals
16:47ever saw.
16:48So if you are
16:49a keen dog spotter,
16:50maybe avert your gaze
16:51at least until
16:52we're out of the area
16:52because you never know
16:53when you get to
16:54encounter a pair
16:55of glowing red.
16:58Oh,
16:58that's just the number
16:59of hundreds breaklights.
17:00Don't worry everyone,
17:00we're fine,
17:01we're fine.
17:02Well,
17:03I say that.
17:03Here on our left-hand side
17:04is Smithfield Market.
17:06I've seen a lot of
17:07executions over the years.
17:08William Wallace,
17:09Wat Tyler,
17:10and many,
17:11many witches.
17:13Because this is where
17:14the witch trials took place
17:15over the course
17:16of several centuries.
17:17So if any ladies on board
17:18if you were suspected
17:19of being a witch,
17:21and let's be honest,
17:21it didn't take much.
17:22After the witch trials
17:23we went,
17:24and they put you
17:25through an ordeal,
17:26girls,
17:26quite literally.
17:27This is what these trials
17:28were called,
17:29and their favourite
17:29was the trial by water,
17:32whereby they'd tie
17:32your arms and legs together,
17:33chuck you in the water
17:35to see if you rose
17:36to the surface,
17:36because if she bobs
17:37to the top
17:38she's a weird
17:39spurner at the stake.
17:40And of course,
17:41if she doesn't float,
17:43her name was cleared.
17:44Yes.
17:45But you'd also
17:46just drowned,
17:47haven't you?
17:47So,
17:48swings and roundabouts.
17:49Ooh.
17:50Now you might have noticed
17:51that the bus
17:52has come to a complete stop.
17:54Nothing to worry about.
17:55No doubt you're
17:55a little bit confused,
17:56thinking,
17:57where are all the sights,
17:58around London Eye
17:59and the Tower of London
18:00and things rather
18:03nondescript.
18:04Believe it or not,
18:05there's a ghost tale
18:06and a five metre radius
18:08surrounding this vehicle.
18:09The three seconds
18:09of travel time
18:10wouldn't do it justice.
18:11So what I'm going to suggest
18:13is as follows.
18:13Leave your belongings on board.
18:15Wrap up nice and warm.
18:16It's a chilly one out tonight.
18:18Come and join me.
18:19Come and join me.
18:20Outside the bus.
18:22Come on.
18:23Do mind your step
18:24if you're heading
18:25from upstairs.
18:25The steps are just
18:26as perilous
18:27on the way back down.
18:29Mind your step
18:29as you disembark
18:30from the bus.
18:31Feel free to come
18:32and congregate
18:33by these black railings
18:34where you can pay
18:34your respects
18:35to Keith Richards
18:36and Mick Jagger
18:36of the Rolling Stones,
18:38as you now know.
18:38Not Black Sabbath.
18:40Although,
18:40tribute to Ozzy as well.
18:41He was the king of darkness.
18:43I need to maybe
18:43try and get a reference
18:44to him somewhere
18:45on board the bus.
18:46All aboard.
18:47There we go.
18:48There we go.
18:48Nailed it.
18:49Great.
18:49There we go.
18:52Here all night.
18:52That's it.
18:53Watch your step.
18:55Sorry.
18:56I'm just going to squish them.
18:57Thank you very much.
19:25There we go.
19:27A bit closer than that.
19:29Come on,
19:29my goodness me.
19:30Concerned body walk,
19:31people.
19:32It's cold out tonight.
19:33And what's worse,
19:34I'm about to say two words,
19:35guarantee to send
19:36shivers down your spines.
19:38That's right.
19:38Audience participation.
19:40Oh no.
19:41Yes,
19:42because I've lovingly prepared
19:44a quiz for all of you
19:45just to engage you all
19:46a little bit more.
19:47Now get ready kids
19:48because this quiz
19:49is going to be about
19:50buildings.
19:52I saw the light
19:53leave your eyes there.
19:54Right,
19:54well,
19:54what I probably should have
19:55opened with
19:55is the factors
19:56that contribute
19:56to buildings
19:57being hornsy
19:58and now we're cooking.
19:59So question one,
20:00I'll make multiple choice
20:01for your sake
20:02because you look
20:02absolutely terrified
20:03if you don't like to say.
20:04So that's fair enough.
20:06Question one,
20:07are you buildings?
20:08What age of buildings,
20:10proportionally speaking,
20:12might you anticipate
20:12more resident guests?
20:14A,
20:15older buildings
20:16or B,
20:17newer buildings?
20:18So raise your hand
20:19if you're in older buildings.
20:20All right.
20:21Raise your hand
20:22if you're in newer buildings.
20:24Raise your hand
20:25if you didn't raise your hand
20:25at all
20:26because they're cold.
20:27Yeah,
20:28that's right.
20:28I get it.
20:29I get it.
20:30Well,
20:30older buildings
20:31as opposed to colder buildings
20:32was the correct answer.
20:33So well done.
20:34You've got that right.
20:35Feel free to give yourself
20:36a pat on the back
20:36or around the golf clubs.
20:38It works,
20:39trust me.
20:39Start around the golf clubs.
20:40It does feel good,
20:42doesn't it?
20:42Yeah,
20:43you laugh at first.
20:43But now,
20:44your ego's much too high
20:45and I need to bring you
20:46down a peg.
20:47So question two,
20:47no more multiple choices.
20:49Question two,
20:50what type of building
20:51might you anticipate
20:52more resident ghosts?
20:55I'll give you a clue.
20:56I think perhaps
20:57a building
20:57where lots of people
20:58have died in.
20:59Hospitals.
20:59Zing,
21:00right,
21:00there we go.
21:01Top of the class.
21:02Well done.
21:02A hospital.
21:03Now we take
21:03both those correct answers,
21:05smash them together,
21:06we get lovely toasty hands,
21:07but we also get this place,
21:08St Bartholomew's Hospital,
21:11a.k.a.
21:12St Bartholomew's.
21:13Certainly fits the bill
21:14for an old building
21:15because this place
21:16dates all the way back
21:16to 1123.
21:18This is actually
21:19Britain's oldest hospital
21:20still standing.
21:21And you can ask
21:22many doctors and nurses
21:23what they might have seen
21:24over the years.
21:25They might report
21:25patients vanishing
21:26without a trace
21:27in the middle of a shift.
21:28They might have heard
21:29the cries
21:30of a screaming infant
21:31gone to investigate
21:32and there's no baby there.
21:33But there's one ghost
21:34in particular
21:35that's most unusual
21:36and therefore
21:37the one I'm going to highlight.
21:39Because sadly,
21:39some moons ago,
21:40a nurse at St Bartholomew's
21:42was murdered
21:43and her spirit
21:44never passed on.
21:46Rather,
21:46she came to embody
21:47an elevator
21:48that has come to be known
21:50as a coffee lift.
21:53Coffee as opposed to
21:55a coffee lift.
21:56Completely the worst.
21:57Now let's imagine
21:58it's your first day
21:59on the job.
21:59You're a new doctor,
22:00a new nurse,
22:01and those cheeky new colleagues
22:02have forgotten to mention
22:04there's a haunted elevator
22:05which looks just like
22:06any ordinary one.
22:07So naively,
22:08you climb aboard.
22:09Let's say you've got
22:09your business on the top floor.
22:10Bing bong!
22:11And off you go.
22:12But sadly,
22:13the Cuffinley
22:13has only got one destination
22:15in mind for you.
22:16All the way down
22:17to the scariest room
22:18in any building,
22:19let alone Britain's
22:20oldest hospital
22:20still standing.
22:21The basement.
22:22Which just so happens
22:23to be where the morgue is
22:24as well.
22:25So you get two
22:26for the price of one.
22:27I'm sure you're handling
22:27the situation very calmly.
22:29Not at all hammering
22:30on the top floor,
22:32but once you hit
22:33the basement
22:34in the old coffin lift,
22:35the darn thing
22:36stops working.
22:37Which means two things now.
22:39One,
22:39you've now got to head
22:40into the scary basement
22:41slash morgue
22:42to find another exit.
22:43Two,
22:44you've now got to climb
22:44an extra flight of stairs
22:45that you were trying
22:46to avoid in the first place.
22:47And as you're ascending
22:48this staircase,
22:49this is where
22:50the mischievous coffin lift
22:51boots back into line.
22:53And she doesn't just
22:54pass you by
22:54on your way to the top floor.
22:56No, no, no.
22:57She trails you
22:58every step of the way.
23:00That's right.
23:01Every step you take
23:02and every move you make.
23:06Well, indeed,
23:07that's the tale
23:07of the coffin lift for you.
23:09Now, what I invite you
23:09all to do
23:10with this portion
23:10of the tour,
23:11feel free to close your eyes,
23:12think of your colleagues
23:13that you do work with
23:14in real life.
23:15And miraculously,
23:16through the sheer power
23:17of that story,
23:18you suddenly feel
23:18a lot better about it.
23:20But for the youth
23:21amongst us who this evening,
23:22who I imagine,
23:23I'm hoping,
23:24are not in employment.
23:26Good.
23:27I thought we left that
23:27back in the Victorian era,
23:28but I just wanted to check
23:29if you're looking to be careful.
23:31Practical advice
23:31for you, my friend.
23:32I'm going to teach you
23:33how to cross the road.
23:34I imagine we've got
23:35some tourists
23:35from overseas here.
23:36We want to make sure
23:37you're doing this
23:37the right way.
23:38So can't follow.
23:38I'm going to look like
23:40one of the people.
23:41There.
23:42Right.
23:43Hold the ball.
23:46Be careful of the cyclists
23:47with our helmets
23:48because they're not
23:48going to go over here.
24:01And she's coming
24:02nice and close to me.
24:04I feel like
24:05I'm going to go.
24:06And she'll keep coming
24:08in 85, 19, 95, 100.
24:10100% survival rate gang.
24:11Well done.
24:12That never happened.
24:13Well, now that you've
24:14made it across the road,
24:15safely feel free to turn
24:16and face the bus.
24:17Give Harjah a wave
24:18as he drives off
24:19with all your valuables
24:19and protection.
24:20Here we are.
24:21No, no.
24:22I've brought you
24:22across the road
24:23for good reason.
24:24And yes,
24:24I'm aware of what
24:25the street sign above me
24:26is called.
24:27Take it in.
24:27Have a laugh.
24:28Do it.
24:29It's fine.
24:30I get it.
24:30This is where all
24:31the cameras come out.
24:32Ha, ha, ha, ha.
24:33That's the only photo
24:34you'll take on the entire tour.
24:35You'll get home.
24:36You'll be like,
24:38nice pictures on the tour,
24:39the conductor.
24:39Is he nice?
24:40No, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma.
24:41But no.
24:43Whilst you weren't laughing
24:44at the street sign,
24:44I was taking in
24:45the ominous golden demon
24:46baby child,
24:47thank you very much,
24:48because someone's
24:48going to sate him.
24:49This is the golden boy
24:51of Pie Corner
24:52in all of his
24:53judgmental glory.
24:54And he's here
24:55for a very special reason.
24:56He marks the spot
24:57where the great fire
24:58of London, 1666,
25:00finally burns out
25:01after four days
25:02and four nights
25:03of death
25:03and destruction.
25:05Now, for those
25:05that don't know,
25:06the fire starts
25:07sitting in a little bakery,
25:08not too far from here,
25:09a famous bakery
25:10on Pudding Lane.
25:12That's right.
25:12Started on Pudding Lane,
25:14ended on my corner.
25:15Started on Pudding Lane,
25:16ended on my corner.
25:18Except you can tell
25:18what the gun is.
25:19The people of 1666,
25:21they put their heads together
25:22and I suppose,
25:23I've got it.
25:24This whole thing
25:24has been sent
25:25as a punishment
25:25from God
25:26for our wicked,
25:27wicked ways.
25:27Which is why,
25:28if you don't believe me,
25:29have a little look.
25:30There's an inscription here
25:31underneath the golden boy
25:32that reads,
25:33occasioned by the sin
25:34of gluttony.
25:35One of the seven deadly sins.
25:37Oh yeah,
25:38you thought I was crazy,
25:39didn't you?
25:39He was erected
25:40as a constant reminder
25:42to all who take him in,
25:43go easy on the dessert
25:44helping side.
25:45Let's get it.
25:50Just wait there.
25:52Stay there,
25:53be right back.
26:14Another quiz question.
26:18Whilst I was wrapping up
26:19the golden boy
26:22on Pyre Corner,
26:23did anyone else
26:25see an old lady
26:26get on board the bus?
26:29Some verbal responses.
26:31No, no,
26:32it's all right.
26:34Don't worry,
26:35it's not you,
26:35it's me.
26:36It's me.
26:36Drop her rein.
26:38I'll tell you what,
26:39I've clearly been off the bus
26:40for too long.
26:41I don't do well.
26:43I suggest we get this show
26:44figuratively and literally
26:45back on the road
26:47and now taught you
26:47how to cross one.
26:48It should be easy peasy,
26:49shouldn't it?
26:49So stay behind me,
26:50all of you.
26:51We're emerging from the 46th.
26:56Power in numbers,
26:57people.
26:57Let's go there.
27:00I said power,
27:01not safety.
27:01I cannot guarantee it.
27:08There we go.
27:09Welcome back into the warm,
27:11as it were.
27:11Mind your step.
27:13There we go.
27:16Mind your step.
27:17There we go.
27:18Let's,
27:19yeah,
27:19let's make it so
27:20cozy.
27:47and welcome back,
27:50dear friends.
27:51Welcome back.
27:52This is still 66.6 death M.
27:54This is still
27:54rigor mortis radio.
27:56These are still
27:56the sultry tones
27:57of your frightful
27:58yet delightful conductor,
27:59Stan Broker.
28:00Welcome back
28:01to a completely
28:02optional second half.
28:03You really didn't
28:04have to do this,
28:05but it means a lot
28:05to my fragile ego
28:06that you are.
28:07I won't bore you
28:08with the health
28:09and safety nonsense.
28:09I'm sure you were
28:10paying very close attention.
28:12But just one additional
28:13safety thing.
28:14Could everyone just
28:15check underneath their seats
28:16and make sure
28:17there's no bendy old women
28:18hiding under there?
28:19That would be greatly
28:20appreciated.
28:21Do you not ignore me?
28:23This is what the cams
28:24are here for,
28:24Stan.
28:25This is literally,
28:26let's check the cams.
28:27So,
28:27conductor cam.
28:28We're clear.
28:29Fantastic.
28:30Downstairs,
28:30we're looking,
28:31we're cooking,
28:32smashing.
28:33Upstairs,
28:33how we doing up there?
28:36Slightly less ghost
28:37impersonations than
28:38last time I asked
28:39that question.
28:39I'm trying not to
28:40take that to heart.
28:41Stair cam.
28:43And I know
28:43it's a little bit silly,
28:44but we might as well
28:45check the old
28:46foot cam as well.
28:48So,
28:48eyes on a foot cam,
28:49people.
28:50That's a lovely pair
28:51of Doc Martens there.
28:52They get so expensive
28:53this time of year
28:54and the sale price
28:55ends up being
28:55the full price
28:56and whatnot.
28:57you can have it.
28:58Huh?
28:58What, what?
29:00What?
29:01A Doc Martens
29:01that funny?
29:03A rat?
29:04I'm looking
29:04at the same screen.
29:09nothing to see
29:10on the foot cam
29:11so we're clear,
29:14we're clear.
29:14Hard to just drive,
29:15just drive,
29:16just drive,
29:16just drive.
29:17Just go,
29:17just go.
29:19Anyone fancy a pint?
29:22Yeah?
29:22Spooky spirit?
29:24Terrifying tipple?
29:25Ah,
29:26we've been gone all night.
29:27But,
29:27we come to the right place
29:29because here,
29:29on the corner,
29:30on the left-hand side,
29:31is the Viaduct Tavern.
29:33The most haunted pub
29:35in London
29:36because its sellers
29:37are haunted
29:38because of course
29:39they are
29:39by a practical
29:40joking poltergeist
29:42who likes to play
29:43tricks on the poor
29:44members of staff,
29:45flicking off the lights,
29:46locking the doors,
29:48activating the hand dryers
29:49in the men's bathroom,
29:50the energy bills
29:51must be through the roof,
29:52I tell you.
29:53But if you have a ghost
29:54in your workplace
29:54and it's not your fault,
29:56this is what you do.
29:57Give the ghost a name
29:58to make it less scary
29:59because they've decided