- 1 year ago
Martin Taylor has totally lost touch with his family. He has no clue who his teenage daughter's friends are, why his son only communicates with an electronic sign outside his bedroom door, or why his youngest child only watches faith TV. Convinced the family needs to reconnect, Martin surprises the wife and kids with a little experiment. He locks them in their own home with no power, no heat, no running water, and absolutely no contact with the world outside! The sudden holiday staycation isn't what the Taylors had in mind for the weekend, but they'll have to team up to prove they can survive Dad's wacky mission. With a heartfelt message and some persistence, one little member of the family helps put their priorities back in the pews, because they'll need all the faith they have to get through this!
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01:00Doesn't that take you back?
00:01:01Well, the weird weather continues.
00:01:03No snow this Christmas.
00:01:04Now, that's the first.
00:01:05But in exchange, we can expect some chilly, gusty wind.
00:01:08How about 60 miles per hour, folks?
00:01:11What's going on here?
00:01:13Those heading out for the long three-day weekend, you'll want to steer clear of the downtown corridor.
00:01:18We've got toilets tying up traffic.
00:01:21It's a strange new world, Akron.
00:01:23Hey, this is Ray Horner, WAKR.
00:01:25Here we go.
00:01:55Not now, Lou.
00:02:02Easy now.
00:02:09God, a little help here, please.
00:02:11Easy.
00:02:13Easy.
00:02:13Easy.
00:02:26Easy.
00:02:27Oh, my God.
00:02:57Merry Christmas.
00:03:12Finally, I was like this close to giving him a foot rub.
00:03:15Also, your brother called like ten times.
00:03:18What are you wearing?
00:03:19A Christmas gift. He made me wear it.
00:03:21No, I forgot to wear that. What did my brother want?
00:03:24He wouldn't say he was talking so fast.
00:03:26Something about the end is near or beer or pier.
00:03:29The end is beer. Could that be it?
00:03:31No, no, no. It's Armageddon again. Perfect.
00:03:34Go be with your family. Enjoy your children while you still have a write-off.
00:03:37Merry Christmas.
00:03:41Donald.
00:03:41I am so sorry.
00:03:45Christmas time. It's muffin time. Why am I here waiting for you?
00:03:48Yes, and I'm very sorry I got here as soon as I could. Trust me.
00:03:51Muffins are what pays your bills. Trust that.
00:03:53Yes.
00:03:54Ah.
00:03:55Brand new. That's what I'm calling them. Brand new. Get it?
00:03:59Because it's brand and...
00:04:01New? I got clever.
00:04:02And they got icing on the top and a little cherry.
00:04:07Brand muffins with icing. Ain't nobody doing that size to Muffin King.
00:04:10Boom. Boom.
00:04:13This thing weighs a ton.
00:04:14Those are your taxes.
00:04:16How come you're always trying to bring me down, man?
00:04:18This is more like War and Peace.
00:04:19No? War and Peace had a happy ending.
00:04:23Donald, if there were another write-off that I could find for you,
00:04:26trust me, I would tear apart my whole house to find it for you.
00:04:29Eat or be eaten?
00:04:30I don't... I don't...
00:04:31I want you to eat up the IRS, Martin.
00:04:34No more taxes. No more taxes.
00:04:37That's all I want to hear from you, Martin.
00:04:39No. More. Taxes.
00:04:44What's going on?
00:04:46What? You didn't like my gift?
00:04:50I'm sorry, Martin, but your brother absolutely will not take no for an answer.
00:04:54I don't know how he's done it, but he's got every line in the office ringing at once.
00:04:57Go enjoy yourself. Have fun at the party. I got it.
00:05:02Little family crisis. Take me a second.
00:05:06This better be good, Sam.
00:05:07Psst, Marty. Over here.
00:05:37Never gets old.
00:05:42Stocked, armed, and ready.
00:05:49Little Christmas gift to the fam.
00:05:59Food, shelter. And if I don't have it, I can make it. Or kill it.
00:06:04Where's my daughter?
00:06:18In the house.
00:06:19She might even be sober by now.
00:06:21That is so disgusting.
00:06:33Just because your dad didn't kill it.
00:06:35My dad doesn't call dead animals art, Cordy.
00:06:37Could you turn that down? I'm trying to make a phone call here.
00:06:41Such a dumb moron.
00:06:43Hey, there you are. Is everything...
00:06:45Let's go.
00:06:46That is so rude.
00:06:48Zip it.
00:06:48Zip it? Oh, let me guess. Leave it to Beaver.
00:06:49In the car.
00:06:50Yeah.
00:06:54You are so weird.
00:06:56I can't believe we're related.
00:06:58Bye, Uncle Sammy Sam.
00:07:00Aunt Marilyn.
00:07:01Absolutely love what you've done with the place.
00:07:03And the tinfoil window dressing.
00:07:05It's very redneck bunker chic.
00:07:08Loving it.
00:07:09Again, my apologies.
00:07:16It happens.
00:07:17Take control, Marty.
00:07:18The river's rising and you're going under.
00:07:20A little Christmas gift for you and the fam.
00:07:23Read it. Watch it.
00:07:25Do it.
00:07:26We did it.
00:07:27Saved our lives.
00:07:28Of course, I was always more prepared to handle that kind of thing.
00:07:33You become a very scary guy, Sam.
00:07:35Be scary or be scared?
00:07:40Scaredy scared.
00:07:48Let's go.
00:07:50What happened to your nice new car?
00:07:53Why do you care?
00:07:54Sometimes you were, like, so pathetic.
00:07:55Well, sometimes you were, like, so grounded.
00:07:57Like, right now.
00:08:03Drinking?
00:08:03Going off to college?
00:08:05I know you're drinking.
00:08:05No.
00:08:06Are you really going to listen to anything your creepy brother says?
00:08:09I mean, you can't see he's yanking your chain like usual?
00:08:13I wasn't drinking.
00:08:15Hello?
00:08:15Lewd father, come in.
00:08:16I don't drink.
00:08:17Gross.
00:08:18Oh, yeah?
00:08:18How come the cops arrested you?
00:08:20First of all, I wasn't arrested.
00:08:22I was escorted here.
00:08:24Second of all, it wasn't the police.
00:08:26Okay.
00:08:27Go on.
00:08:27You sure you can handle it?
00:08:29Bring it.
00:08:31Regis and I...
00:08:32Okay, Regis.
00:08:33Was that the hairy guy with the tattoos?
00:08:34You know what?
00:08:36Forget it.
00:08:37Can we just go home?
00:08:38You're not listening.
00:08:39And as usual, you're not here.
00:08:41You're not listening to me, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're listening to me, you're
00:09:11Hey, where's your mother?
00:09:24So lame.
00:09:41Oh, my God.
00:10:11Kids, I'm home.
00:10:25Jesse? You didn't hear me?
00:10:27Into its belly for three days and three nights.
00:10:32Lights, please.
00:10:39You have a kiss for daddy?
00:10:41No.
00:10:47Ugh.
00:10:57Tina says we were rude and you can turn the lights back on.
00:11:01OK.
00:11:02so what did you and uh tina do today watch tv saints from the mall was on the news
00:11:15but the police took him away he looks skinny tina says he was a fake one
00:11:21i told her we shouldn't watch so much tv but she likes it
00:11:27have you and tina had dinner and where's your brother he's keeping an eye on me
00:11:38okay
00:11:41hey buddy
00:11:46hey i was gonna make a little dinner downstairs you hungry
00:12:08when is splotter's puppy's gonna come i don't know soon i just hope someone's home and they do
00:12:30here you go i thought you'd love franks and beans splatter loves franks and beans
00:12:41well what do you like to eat then cereal you can't have cereal for dinner what about tina
00:12:51well you definitely can't have tina for dinner
00:12:53i think you upset her
00:13:01hey guys
00:13:04mommy
00:13:06hey
00:13:06oh you and tina didn't feel like pizza baby
00:13:10what pizza
00:13:11the pizza i told luda order i gave him money this morning
00:13:13she's spending on booze for her boyfriend
00:13:16exaggeration voice martin i talked to her wrong place wrong time we have all been there
00:13:23i am not gonna get into this with you come on let's go get a christmas tree
00:13:27you know before christmas actually happens come on
00:13:29come on kids christmas tree
00:13:30do you know a toilet fell on me today
00:13:38i am
00:14:06That one, that one, Tina likes that one.
00:14:17Tina says he's not the real Santa either.
00:14:20How about this one?
00:14:22It's eight foot six.
00:14:23Grab it for a nine foot ceiling.
00:14:24Great, let's grab it and go.
00:14:26No, no, no, no, not the best.
00:14:27Your girl made a fine choice there.
00:14:29That's the best tree in the lot.
00:14:31Come on, show me the good stuff.
00:14:33Martin, let's not make a big deal.
00:14:34All these trees are beautiful.
00:14:35It doesn't smell.
00:14:36Smell it.
00:14:37That's a good tree.
00:14:39And burn it as firewood.
00:14:43Yeah, for munchkins, maybe.
00:14:52Now that's a tree.
00:14:54I mean, Jessie's in her pajamas every day, the same ones, morning, noon, and night.
00:15:10I put my money on Tina.
00:15:12Oh, yeah, well, and her.
00:15:15Jessie freaks out that I don't want to give her doll, Tina, a birthday party.
00:15:19And then what do I do?
00:15:20I cave.
00:15:21Oh, it was sweet.
00:15:22Oh, yeah, it's preposterous is what it is.
00:15:25$413.16.
00:15:27I'm thinking of claiming her as a dependent.
00:15:29Oh, there's my accountant.
00:15:31Oh, he's looking for a write-off.
00:15:33Oh, and Adam, you know, his voice could have changed by now, and I wouldn't know it, because
00:15:36you've got to make an appointment with his door to talk to him.
00:15:38You buy him the stuff?
00:15:40Look on the bright side, babe.
00:15:41At least you can spell.
00:15:42You know, he invented a little camera.
00:15:43He's going around spying on us.
00:15:45Oh, it's just a toy.
00:15:46It's pretty ingenious, if you ask me.
00:15:48I think every family can use a MacGyver.
00:15:50Speaking of which, babe, you've got to fix that shower.
00:15:53I need my shower fixed.
00:15:54It's weird, the whole spying thing.
00:15:57Look, if you don't like what you see, do something about it.
00:16:01Just, you know, take some responsibility.
00:16:03Take control.
00:16:04Oh, take control.
00:16:05Again, everybody keeps telling you to take control.
00:16:07What does that even mean?
00:16:08Martin, try connecting with your children.
00:16:10How?
00:16:11What do you want me to do, Skype them, text them, tweet them?
00:16:13I work.
00:16:14Oh, here we go.
00:16:16So do I, Martin, raising our children.
00:16:19What's with all the classes?
00:16:20I mean, what did you take this week?
00:16:22Was it ceramics, dance, kung fu, interpretive baking?
00:16:27What was it tonight?
00:16:28I've told you several times, and as usual, you never pay attention.
00:16:32Uh, oh, I pay attention.
00:16:35People pay me to pay attention.
00:16:36Well, then you should know.
00:16:38All in all, Lou, she's a pretty good kid.
00:16:41Try cutting her some slack.
00:16:48Lights, please.
00:16:49Hey, you destroyed me.
00:17:01You were too tall.
00:17:02welche opportunity, Prem frase, Jim, are you?
00:17:05Hey.
00:17:05Hey.
00:17:06Hey.
00:17:07Hey.
00:17:08Hey.
00:17:11Hey.
00:17:15Hey.
00:17:23Hey.
00:17:24Hey.
00:17:25Hey.
00:17:27it doesn't take a genius to realize that with each passing day we give up one more piece of control
00:17:48in our daily lives we have become slaves to technology and worst of all our children our
00:17:55future they're unmotivated their morals eroding in the face of uncertainty they hopelessly walk the
00:18:03streets like zombies passing through a data mushroom cloud speaking a language we no longer
00:18:08understand rest assured there is one last sliver of hope the three-day test the ground rules are
00:18:18simple without discussion turn off every utility and service coming into your house water power
00:18:24gas phone cable satellite all of it collect the cell phones lock the windows lock the doors no one in
00:18:33no one out for 72 hours that is three full days the world outside no longer exists you're gonna want to
00:18:43spring this on your family without warning and at the most inappropriate time as that is how true
00:18:49emergencies develop now is the time to make that choice take it or be taken eat or be eaten martin be scared
00:19:02you had me cataclysmic pal all right then let's get started
00:19:09out
00:19:22you
00:19:27ow
00:20:31Okay, let's see here.
00:20:53Huh.
00:20:54Okay.
00:20:55Okay.
00:20:56Okay.
00:20:57Okay.
00:20:58Okay.
00:20:59Okay.
00:21:00Okay.
00:21:01Okay.
00:21:02Okay.
00:21:03Okay.
00:21:04Okay.
00:21:05Okay.
00:21:06Okay.
00:21:07Okay.
00:21:08Okay.
00:21:09Okay.
00:21:10Okay.
00:21:11Okay.
00:21:12Okay.
00:21:13Okay.
00:21:14Okay.
00:21:15Okay.
00:21:16Okay.
00:21:17Okay.
00:21:19Okay.
00:21:20Hello?
00:21:21Hello?
00:21:22Hello?
00:21:23Jackie?
00:21:24Everybody up!
00:21:25Let's go!
00:21:26Let's go!
00:21:27Everybody down here!
00:21:28Down here!
00:21:29Everybody!
00:21:30Move it!
00:21:31Move it!
00:21:32Move it!
00:21:33Move it!
00:21:34The world as we know it is over.
00:21:39This is a test.
00:21:40A test?
00:21:41What are you talking about?
00:21:42A test of survival.
00:21:43Boom!
00:21:44Sam!
00:21:45Been there.
00:21:46Seen that.
00:21:47Not that interested.
00:21:48Boom!
00:21:49Bye!
00:21:50All right.
00:21:51For the next three days, time has stopped.
00:21:53Everything that we've come to depend on is gone.
00:21:55No water.
00:21:56No power.
00:21:57No heat.
00:21:58Are you out of your mind?
00:21:59Yes!
00:22:00I'm out of my mind.
00:22:01I'm off the hook!
00:22:02Speaking of which, no phones.
00:22:03What?
00:22:04Yeah.
00:22:05No one goes in this house.
00:22:06No one leaves this house for three days and three nights.
00:22:08Seventy-two hours.
00:22:10It's freezing in here.
00:22:11What happened to the heat?
00:22:13The heat is off.
00:22:14If we don't make it in here, it doesn't exist.
00:22:17What happened to our windows?
00:22:20Blacked out.
00:22:22The cruel world stays outside.
00:22:25We stay inside.
00:22:27You painted our windows black.
00:22:30Yeah.
00:22:31He's lost it.
00:22:32Happy to care, Dad.
00:22:33Moved the whole family to North Dakota to build canoes from scratch.
00:22:37We're gonna build a canoe?
00:22:39Okay, honey.
00:22:40This is about last night, right?
00:22:42Fine.
00:22:43You've made your point, okay?
00:22:44Now turn on the heat.
00:22:45I'll make some pancakes.
00:22:46No, no, no.
00:22:47Wait, wait.
00:22:48This is about the last 17 years.
00:22:49This is...
00:22:50This is about finding us again.
00:22:52I want my family back.
00:22:54You sure this is where the toilet dude lives?
00:22:55Absolutely.
00:22:56That's pretty weird, huh?
00:22:57Maybe it hit him a little harder than they could do.
00:22:58Maybe it hit him a little harder than they could do.
00:22:59You sure this is where the toilet dude lives?
00:23:03Absolutely.
00:23:04That's pretty weird, huh?
00:23:05Maybe it hit him a little harder than they thought.
00:23:06Yeah, apparently.
00:23:07I don't smell a bigger deal here.
00:23:08You know what?
00:23:09I hope so.
00:23:10I hope so.
00:23:11I truly hope so.
00:23:12Because my parents didn't spend a hundred grand to put me through college for.
00:23:13A man gets hit by porta potty topping our news today.
00:23:14George, chill.
00:23:15My mama would want me.
00:23:16I'm not George.
00:23:17That doesn't feel good.
00:23:18Cool, cool.
00:23:19All right, man.
00:23:20What else you got on this guy?
00:23:21Absolutely.
00:23:23That's pretty weird, huh?
00:23:25Maybe it hit him a little harder than they thought.
00:23:27Yeah, apparently.
00:23:29I don't smell a bigger deal here.
00:23:30You know what?
00:23:31I hope so.
00:23:32I truly hope so.
00:23:33Because my parents didn't spend a hundred grand to put me through college for.
00:23:36Man gets hit by port-a-potty topping our news today.
00:23:39George, chill.
00:23:40My mama would want me.
00:23:41George.
00:23:42That doesn't feel good.
00:23:43Cool, cool.
00:23:44All right, man.
00:23:44What else you got on this guy?
00:23:46Says here the guy's an accountant.
00:23:48His firm does taxes.
00:23:51That sounds totally stressful.
00:23:56Okay, we're going to be warmer sleeping together in the living room.
00:23:58We'd be warmer if you turned on the heat.
00:24:01You think you're free, don't you?
00:24:03I guess.
00:24:03No, you're not.
00:24:04You're a slave to all that stuff in your room.
00:24:08To oil.
00:24:09Oil heats the house and drives your car.
00:24:10I don't drive, Dad.
00:24:12All right, where's all the camping gear?
00:24:14Up in the attic?
00:24:15I'm on it.
00:24:16Would that be the ton of camping gear you bought for the trip to Yellowstone that never happened there, Yogi?
00:24:20We got too busy to go camping.
00:24:23Martin, it's freezing.
00:24:24Yeah, well, layers.
00:24:26It's survival, not yoga.
00:24:28Yogi?
00:24:29Get in here, now.
00:24:32Take off that stupid hat.
00:24:34You know, you lose 30% of your body heat through your head.
00:24:37I'm not doing this, Martin.
00:24:39It's Christmas.
00:24:40You have us locked in our house.
00:24:41This has Sam written all over.
00:24:43This is me taking control.
00:24:45He said it.
00:24:46You say it.
00:24:47Everyone says it.
00:24:48Now I'm doing it.
00:24:50I've got to do this now, Jackie.
00:24:54Just say I love you, Martin.
00:24:56Of course I love you.
00:24:59But right now, I want to get dressed.
00:25:01I want to go get a latte, do some Christmas shopping.
00:25:04It's Christmas.
00:25:05I used to love Christmas.
00:25:07Where did it go?
00:25:08Well, now Christmas is just another excuse for everyone to melt their credit cards, go further
00:25:15into debt, and then expect me to fix it.
00:25:19Well, I say no.
00:25:20No more shopping.
00:25:22No more showers.
00:25:23No more lattes.
00:25:24No more connectivity unless it's in person under this roof.
00:25:28I'm taking a stand.
00:25:29We are unplugging from this lunacy.
00:25:31No, Martin.
00:25:32You're plugging right into it.
00:25:37Kids, get dressed.
00:25:38We're going out.
00:25:39Jackie, I really need this.
00:25:41We need this.
00:25:43I can't do this for you, Martin.
00:25:45It's Christmas, and this is nuts.
00:25:48This is just you and Sam doing the same old thing.
00:25:51So get over it, okay?
00:25:52I am done with this.
00:25:53It is crazy.
00:25:57Put that stuff down.
00:25:58We're going out.
00:26:16What do you two bozos think you're doing?
00:26:19You're here to do a story on your neighbor.
00:26:21Why?
00:26:21He's an idiot.
00:26:22Construction toilet fell on him yesterday.
00:26:24We're here to ask him the question everyone wants to know.
00:26:26What does it feel like to get hit by a toilet?
00:26:30Well, you'd better hurry then, because I've just called the cops on him.
00:26:34Why?
00:26:35I think he's got his family hostage in there.
00:26:46Jesse, go find your brother and sister and tell them we are leaving now, with or without them.
00:26:49You know, I haven't asked for anything in 17 years.
00:26:59Three days is all I ask.
00:27:01Is that so much to ask?
00:27:02Yes.
00:27:04You want to lock yourself in here?
00:27:05Fine.
00:27:06I've already done it.
00:27:07My friends have careers.
00:27:09I have carpools.
00:27:10They talk business.
00:27:11I can't form a sentence that doesn't end in pee-pee.
00:27:13You know, you want to do something really constructive?
00:27:17Use those tools you have on display in the garage to fix the drain in the shower before
00:27:22the ceiling caves in.
00:27:23I could have had a plumber to it six months ago, but no.
00:27:25You wanted to save the $538.42 by doing it yourself.
00:27:29Well, now, it's double that and counting!
00:27:32Jackie, do you know what I am?
00:27:33I am a bean counter, okay?
00:27:35Day in, day out, I account for other people's lives.
00:27:38I never take the time to account for ours.
00:27:40And whose fault is that?
00:27:43Mine.
00:27:44We live in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, in a nice block.
00:27:47We've got the whole package, but what do we really know?
00:27:50Seriously, what do we really know about anything?
00:27:53How socks get made?
00:27:56Ask Kara's dad.
00:27:57I'm sure he can knit you a pair between canoes.
00:28:03Come on, seriously.
00:28:04We take so much for granted.
00:28:07Jackie, we kind of need the water, so you might not want to...
00:28:10The power's out.
00:28:20Uh, Mark...
00:28:21Jessie, get in the car, please.
00:28:24Lou, could you open the door?
00:28:25What?
00:28:25It's like my hands.
00:28:27Never mind, I got it.
00:28:30This is so lame.
00:28:31Look, I don't know.
00:28:36But I got it.
00:28:53I'm gonna die.
00:28:55Martin Taylor, please come out the front door with your hands up.
00:29:10You are surrounded.
00:29:25Drop your weapon.
00:29:50What?
00:29:50The frying pan, Martin.
00:29:55Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
00:30:02Hello, network news.
00:30:06Okay, guys, up.
00:30:08That's all I want.
00:30:10Are you Martin Taylor?
00:30:13You know why we're here?
00:30:15Were you holding your family hostage inside your house?
00:30:18Huh?
00:30:19We have reason to believe you were.
00:30:21Well, you heard wrong.
00:30:23Ma'am, please.
00:30:23No, you back off.
00:30:25Get off him now.
00:30:25Ma'am, I'm going to ask you straight out.
00:30:28Was your husband holding you or any member of your family against your will inside that house?
00:30:36Well, I'm kidding.
00:30:37Jackie.
00:30:37I'm kidding.
00:30:38No, no, of course not.
00:30:39That's ridiculous.
00:30:40Ma'am, now's the time for truth.
00:30:43Kids, get over here.
00:30:44The rest of you, back off.
00:30:48This is private property.
00:30:49I don't know what you think is going on here, but you're mistaken.
00:30:53Just move it now, all of you.
00:30:55Who?
00:30:56Who said I was holding my family hostage?
00:30:59Look.
00:30:59Who?
00:31:01Who was it?
00:31:03Look.
00:31:04Clearly, there's been a little mix-up.
00:31:06Oh, a little mix-up?
00:31:07Is that what this is?
00:31:07A little mix-up?
00:31:08Well, this is not over.
00:31:09I'm an accountant.
00:31:10And I know people who know people.
00:31:12Martin.
00:31:13Damn.
00:31:13Down boy.
00:31:14Listen.
00:31:15Uh, please, just take your guns and your big toys with all the flashing lights.
00:31:19Just go home, okay?
00:31:19We'll call it even.
00:31:21You heard the lady.
00:31:22Go home.
00:31:25Show's over.
00:31:25Go back in your houses.
00:31:27Eat or be eat.
00:31:28Seriously.
00:31:29Calm down.
00:31:33Hey, dude.
00:31:33How's it feel to get hit by a toilet falling from the sky?
00:31:39Jonah made it three days in a whale's belly without power and stuff.
00:32:00Okay.
00:32:03You got three days.
00:32:04What?
00:32:05Are you kidding?
00:32:07Three days, Martin.
00:32:08You want your family back?
00:32:12Hop in the belly.
00:32:13Here we are.
00:32:14Hop in the belly?
00:32:15A whale?
00:32:16Am I, like, totally missing something here?
00:32:19Are you serious?
00:32:21Since we can't go Christmas shopping, consider this my Christmas gift to you.
00:32:26Seriously, we don't have any gifts.
00:32:28We have no gifts this Christmas.
00:32:31That kind of stinks.
00:32:35All right.
00:32:39I'm going to go make breakfast without water, power, or gas.
00:32:48Gum?
00:32:51All right.
00:32:52So what do you think?
00:32:54We hang?
00:32:55Oh, yeah.
00:33:03We hang.
00:33:05We most definitely hang.
00:33:10Candles.
00:33:12Check.
00:33:13Check.
00:33:14Flashlights and lanterns?
00:33:15Uh, check.
00:33:19Check?
00:33:21Uh, you know, Adam, when the power runs out on the thing, that's it, right?
00:33:23Don't worry, Dad.
00:33:24You do it your way.
00:33:25I'll do it mine.
00:33:29You know, we might need to start thinking about rationing the chow.
00:33:33Just for...
00:33:34We have food, Martin.
00:33:36Not tons, but enough.
00:33:38I can make food.
00:33:39See?
00:33:40We can't eat clay, Dumbo.
00:33:42Tina does, Dumbo.
00:33:43Tina's a doll, moron.
00:33:45She is not, and you're whatever you just said.
00:33:47Oh, yeah?
00:33:49Enough, guys.
00:33:51Mmm.
00:33:51How do you like it so far?
00:33:53So lame.
00:33:54Oh, FYI, there's no water in the downstairs toilet if that's where you're headed.
00:33:58You thank your mother for that.
00:33:59The average toilet tank in every older home holds about three gallons of water,
00:34:05unflushed toilet water, and we've got two bathrooms.
00:34:08That's two times three.
00:34:09That's six.
00:34:09We're here for three days.
00:34:10Wait, we're drinking toilet water?
00:34:12Ew.
00:34:12Ew.
00:34:13Is that even healthy?
00:34:14Tank water.
00:34:14It's fine.
00:34:16Necessity is the mother of invention.
00:34:18All right?
00:34:19Next is firewood.
00:34:21Firewood.
00:34:22I don't think we have any outside, either.
00:34:24You could always burn that pamphlet.
00:34:26Now, that's funny, Lou, but that means you're thinking.
00:34:30Let's see.
00:34:33Burn furniture.
00:34:35Oh, no, no.
00:34:45No, you don't.
00:34:45No, you don't.
00:34:46No, you don't.
00:34:46No, you don't.
00:34:55Hey!
00:34:58Ah, that's loose changing table.
00:35:01No, I'm not ready.
00:35:02No way.
00:35:02Honey, she's out of diapers.
00:35:04She's going to college next year.
00:35:05Not yet.
00:35:10Grandpa's desk.
00:35:11I can't.
00:35:12Oh, you can.
00:35:13Yeah, that's hideous.
00:35:14I'm freezing, and Grandpa, God rest his soul, is going to keep us warm.
00:35:17Look.
00:35:39Look.
00:35:43The clock is dead.
00:35:45Some strange, ironic act of fate.
00:35:47The Taylor family killed time on their way to killing themselves.
00:35:51Oh, I like that, Lou.
00:35:52Very clever.
00:35:53Look at the bright side.
00:35:55At least we'll look like runway models on our way to starvation.
00:35:57Yeah, if the hypothermia doesn't get us first.
00:36:01I've got a great idea.
00:36:03How about we decorate that Christmas tree?
00:36:05Ornaments are in the attic.
00:36:06I'm on it.
00:36:07No, no, no.
00:36:07Better idea.
00:36:08We make our own ornaments from stuff that's lying around the house.
00:36:12Maybe like Jesse's art supplies.
00:36:14That's a cool idea.
00:36:15So cool.
00:36:15Give me my phone so I can tweet it.
00:36:18Paper angels!
00:36:19Oh, that's a great idea.
00:36:21There's our angel.
00:36:23We make stars made out of aluminum foil and strings of cranberry and popcorn.
00:36:28Oh, which of course people get from the cranberry and popcorn tree in our kitchen.
00:36:32Come on, team.
00:36:33Where's the Christmas spirit?
00:36:34You think they used to make Christmas decorations out of old cheap ornaments and tacky tinsel?
00:36:39No.
00:36:40They made their own.
00:36:41They made their own Christmas.
00:36:43They went out and chopped down the tree and caught a wild turkey.
00:36:45And at night they would dream of microwaves and iPods and a cure for smallpox.
00:36:51Tina likes this idea.
00:36:53Enough said.
00:36:54Tina has spoken.
00:36:59You're going to burn down the house, Martin.
00:37:04It's lit.
00:37:05Tina wants to know if we're going to burn the house down.
00:37:08If it does, are we allowed to leave?
00:37:15I think the tree has spoken.
00:37:21Okay, check it out.
00:37:22How about this for a reality show?
00:37:25So check it out.
00:37:27You take like ten smoking supermodels, you stick them on a deserted island with some blue-collar guy for like a month.
00:37:34That guy's like a real loser.
00:37:35Someone like you?
00:37:37Man, I've done real news.
00:37:39I've been in the trenches.
00:37:40I've paid the price.
00:37:41I've seen stuff that you couldn't handle.
00:37:43I'm telling you, reality TV is the new news.
00:37:48The trees see everything from the faults of man to the beauty of God's creation.
00:37:55And that's what's happening with you and ten supermodels on a deserted island?
00:38:00Yeah.
00:38:02You need help.
00:38:04Yeah.
00:38:0620 years ago, did you ever think we'd be here today?
00:38:18Yesterday, I didn't think we'd be here today.
00:38:21Hmm.
00:38:26Even in high school, I knew I wanted to marry you.
00:38:31You're so beautiful.
00:38:32Loads of common sense, a good art.
00:38:39You could count really well.
00:38:45Wait a minute.
00:38:47You married up.
00:38:48No fair.
00:38:49Seriously.
00:38:52Did you ever regret marrying me?
00:38:55Because I would hate to think we'd gone this far and you had any regrets.
00:38:58I'm not sorry I married you.
00:39:03I don't have any regrets.
00:39:08Or feeling in my toes.
00:39:09What's the word?
00:39:14Sure.
00:39:19What do you think we've been here?
00:39:20What?
00:39:21What do you think?
00:39:23What do you think?
00:39:56We're all cold, little brother.
00:40:08Sam?
00:40:11That's right.
00:40:13It's your Uncle Sam.
00:40:15And I want you, and you, and you, and you.
00:40:20Sam, get out of my house now.
00:40:22No problem, Jackie.
00:40:23We already got what we came for.
00:40:24I can see your zits through your mask, Gordon.
00:40:27My name is Nightcrawler.
00:40:29Oh, how appropriate. A worm.
00:40:32Locking yourself inside. Nice, Marty.
00:40:35But that's only half of it.
00:40:36When the real battle starts, the marauders will come,
00:40:39and they'll take your food,
00:40:40and they'll take your women and children to start a new world.
00:40:42You touch me or my children, I'll call the cops.
00:40:45You can start your new world in prison.
00:40:46All right, Jack, Jack, come on. It's just a game.
00:40:48He's just trying to make it a little more realistic for us.
00:40:50Because that's the way it's going to happen.
00:40:52Why are you such a twerp around him?
00:40:54Would you stand up for yourself? Defend your family.
00:40:55That's a girl. Bring it, Jackie.
00:40:57You're right, Marty.
00:40:58Right now, it's just a game.
00:40:59But when that day comes,
00:41:00there won't be any police or any phones to call them on, Jackie.
00:41:04Martin, do something.
00:41:06Okay. All right.
00:41:08Listen, Sam.
00:41:09The phone's over. Now, go on home.
00:41:11Get out. Scram.
00:41:12Skidat.
00:41:12Seriously, Dad.
00:41:13Did you grow up in, like, 1925?
00:41:15We're leaving, Marty.
00:41:17But just remember,
00:41:19night after night,
00:41:20they'll come in waves
00:41:21night after night.
00:41:24Oh.
00:41:25I almost forgot.
00:41:27Sam?
00:41:28Sam!
00:41:28Sam!
00:41:29Oh!
00:41:34Come on, man.
00:41:38You've got this beautiful family,
00:41:39and the best you can do to protect them
00:41:41is a hide-a-key fake rock?
00:41:45Maybe you're not as smart as you look.
00:41:52Gordon!
00:41:53Uh-oh, worm.
00:41:54Looks like Daddy's angry.
00:41:55Run along like a good little soldier.
00:41:58Gordon!
00:41:59Stop!
00:42:00I'm coming.
00:42:07Is it true?
00:42:08Uncle Sam took all our food?
00:42:12Well, not all of it.
00:42:13Don't you guys see what he's doing?
00:42:15Seven to ten will come off for good behavior?
00:42:18No.
00:42:19In his own weird way,
00:42:20he's actually trying to protect us.
00:42:22Mm.
00:42:22Well, now I'm going to try
00:42:23in my own weird way to protect us.
00:42:25The power's going back on.
00:42:27We are returning to Earth.
00:42:29You mean that same Earth
00:42:30with all the weird weather,
00:42:31random acts of violence,
00:42:32and bomb-crazy dictators
00:42:33making every day a guessing game?
00:42:35Jackie, I'm tired of living in the dark.
00:42:37All the more reason to turn on the lights.
00:42:39Just, well, then do it for the children.
00:42:41You really think beating Sam
00:42:43at this ridiculous game of tug-of-war
00:42:45you've been playing for 30 years
00:42:46is somehow going to make
00:42:47life better for your kids?
00:42:50Maybe in some weird nightmare
00:42:52before Christmas,
00:42:53E.T. castaway,
00:42:54home alone kind of way.
00:42:55Yeah, I do.
00:42:57He's taken everything.
00:42:58It's freezing in here.
00:42:59We have nothing to eat,
00:43:01and your children are afraid.
00:43:05Come on, guys.
00:43:06Let's be like pioneers.
00:43:07Let's have an adventure.
00:43:09I mean, how many guys do you know
00:43:10that get to have a Christmas like this?
00:43:12The pilgrims.
00:43:15What do you mean we got nothing to eat?
00:43:17We got food.
00:43:17There's plenty of food.
00:43:19See?
00:43:19Food.
00:43:21Let there be food.
00:43:23Not the table!
00:43:25Jesse's fake clay hamburger
00:43:26is looking pretty good right about now.
00:43:27You want heat?
00:43:28Let there be heat.
00:43:32Burn this.
00:43:35I'm giving you the shirt
00:43:36off my back, Jackie.
00:43:43Two more days, Martin.
00:43:46Make them count.
00:43:58Oh, careful you don't start
00:44:03a new fashion trend there.
00:44:04Oh, yeah.
00:44:05Shabby, shabby.
00:44:07Hey, um, what is A-Dog Productions?
00:44:10That's Adam's label.
00:44:13Hmm?
00:44:14Label?
00:44:15Yeah, he downloads music, movies,
00:44:17whatever, makes copies of them,
00:44:18and then sells them to his friends at school.
00:44:21Wait, isn't that illegal?
00:44:22Oh, come on, guys.
00:44:25Seriously?
00:44:26How do you think he affords
00:44:27all that stuff in his room?
00:44:28I thought I bought it for him.
00:44:31Yeah, well, think again, Sherlock.
00:44:34Mom, seriously,
00:44:35I need to let Regis know I'm okay.
00:44:36I don't want him to worry.
00:44:37How can I do that?
00:44:38Who's...
00:44:39I'm...
00:44:39Who?
00:44:40Regis!
00:44:40What is it?
00:44:41The name?
00:44:41You can't remember the name?
00:44:42I mean, there are only two in the world,
00:44:44and mine isn't a hundred.
00:44:45I don't really care about the name.
00:44:47All I can see is hair and tattoos.
00:44:49What is it with you?
00:44:50And what is up with this hair thing?
00:44:52Regis practically shaves his head.
00:44:53Oh, great.
00:44:54He's bald and covered in tattoos.
00:44:58He's practically a convict.
00:44:59Next you're going to tell me
00:45:00he's shoving an earring in his nose.
00:45:01That would be a nose ring, Martin.
00:45:04Nose ring.
00:45:06Ah, oh, that's it.
00:45:07That's the last step before they're gone for good.
00:45:09They start calling you by your first name.
00:45:11Dad, he doesn't have a nose ring.
00:45:14And his hair is short because he plays football,
00:45:16and he only has one little tattoo
00:45:18that matches mine.
00:45:25Because you have a tattoo?
00:45:28My baby's a tattoo?
00:45:31Uh, is it hot in here?
00:45:34Martin, foot off the pedal, okay?
00:45:36She's pushing your buttons.
00:45:38Tattoos, no tattoos, boyfriends.
00:45:39Why don't we know any of this stuff?
00:45:41You're her mother.
00:45:42Why don't you know this?
00:45:43Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:45:44Once again, you were under the impression
00:45:45that handling all this stuff is all up to me.
00:45:47You were her father.
00:45:50I'm boiling hot.
00:45:52I'm going to go talk to her.
00:45:53Oh, just, sweetie, take a breath, okay?
00:45:56This is not an audit.
00:45:57She's not the IRS.
00:45:58Calm down.
00:45:59You can't go in there like a locomotive.
00:46:00Oh, okay.
00:46:06I've got this under control.
00:46:07I think I'm going to be fine.
00:46:11You're 17.
00:46:14There is a time for everything, okay?
00:46:16You're going to graduate high school this year.
00:46:17Next year, you go to college.
00:46:1950 years from now, you're going to...
00:46:20Dad, stop.
00:46:21You know what?
00:46:24I want to see the tattoos.
00:46:26I want to see those tattoos.
00:46:27Show them to me right now.
00:46:28Has Reggie seen them?
00:46:30Bridges.
00:46:30Bridges.
00:46:31And seriously, you know nothing about me.
00:46:34You know nothing about anything
00:46:35except for crunching stupid numbers.
00:46:38You know, sometimes life isn't in the math, Dad.
00:46:41Look at me.
00:46:43Me.
00:46:43Do you actually think I would mess up
00:46:45this velvety, pristine skin
00:46:47that I moisturize three times daily?
00:46:49Do you actually think I would mess that up with ink?
00:46:54So you don't have a tattoo?
00:46:58If you have to ask, then I can't help you.
00:47:03Okay.
00:47:05I've been somewhat derelict in my duties.
00:47:10Nice word.
00:47:12Means nothing.
00:47:13How about we change it?
00:47:19How about we start talking now?
00:47:22I mean, we can talk about the boyfriends
00:47:24and tattoos and everything,
00:47:26the good, the bad, the ugly.
00:47:30For what?
00:47:31Three days?
00:47:34What's that supposed to accomplish?
00:47:36In four days, everything goes back
00:47:37to the way it was?
00:47:43You've had 17 years.
00:47:51Please leave.
00:47:54All right, I'll play along with your stupid game,
00:47:56but right now, I don't feel like talking.
00:47:58I'm lost.
00:48:07Yeah.
00:48:07When you start eating your old fruitcake, I agree.
00:48:09Lou, it's not her.
00:48:11It's me.
00:48:14I've lost her.
00:48:17I was not there for her.
00:48:18I was not there for her.
00:48:34Oh, honey, don't be so hard on yourself.
00:48:36She's your baby girl.
00:48:38She's growing up, and you're worried.
00:48:41Another glorious, normal phase.
00:48:44Exactly.
00:48:46Is she going to be ready?
00:48:48I mean, have we really prepared her for the world?
00:48:51This world?
00:48:53That world?
00:48:54Honey, she'll be fine.
00:49:00And speaking of lost, I can't find Adam.
00:49:02I've looked everywhere.
00:49:03What?
00:49:06I think he left the house.
00:49:11No.
00:49:12No, no, no, no.
00:49:13He's got to be around here somewhere.
00:49:20He's a good kid.
00:49:22He probably knows we're on to him
00:49:23about all this DVD stuff.
00:49:25He knows we're going to have to deal with it sooner or later.
00:49:27Daddy, I'm not allowed to tell,
00:49:30but I think Tina knows where Adam is.
00:49:33Where is he?
00:49:35Adam will get mad if I tell,
00:49:37so maybe Tina can tell you instead.
00:49:41Jesse, Tina's a doll.
00:49:44She's eight inches of cotton, plastic, and a bad wig
00:49:47that's going to cost me around $10,000
00:49:49and birthday parties for the next 20 years, okay?
00:49:51Maybe we could just talk to each other directly.
00:49:53Don't you think that'd be nice?
00:49:56It'd be cheaper.
00:49:58Tell me where your brother is.
00:50:05Smooth.
00:50:05Smooth.
00:50:05Jesse, sweetie, I'm really sorry that I said that to you.
00:50:19I apologize.
00:50:20That was mean.
00:50:21Are you going to apologize to Tina?
00:50:25I'm sorry, Tina.
00:50:33I really am sorry, Tina.
00:50:34I do mean that.
00:50:39Okay.
00:50:40Tina forgives you.
00:50:57You're right.
00:50:58You're not a juice.
00:51:00Can you tell me what you're doing up here?
00:51:02I don't know.
00:51:04Want a bite?
00:51:06Jesse, go down and tell Mom we found Adam.
00:51:08We'll be right down, okay?
00:51:10Okay.
00:51:12Sorry.
00:51:13It's okay.
00:51:19So.
00:51:21Yeah.
00:51:23So what is this place?
00:51:25I don't know.
00:51:26Just a place.
00:51:27You want to tell me about all the DVD stuff?
00:51:32I don't know.
00:51:33Sure.
00:51:34I guess.
00:51:36Well, first I just want to make sure.
00:51:37You downloaded music and movies off the internet and sold it to your friends.
00:51:42I guess.
00:51:46Well, you know that's wrong.
00:51:49And illegal.
00:51:51Kind of a big deal, Adam.
00:51:53Yeah.
00:51:55You know, your Uncle Sam and my dad are an awful lot alike.
00:52:00They like hunting and fishing and bringing home a lot of dead, smelly things.
00:52:05Actually, I hated it.
00:52:06I wasn't that into it.
00:52:07But I wanted so badly to share what they had.
00:52:11I wanted the attention that Sam had.
00:52:13So did you start killing stuff?
00:52:16I tried.
00:52:17Always kind of made me puke a little.
00:52:18But what I did do is I did things that I knew would make my dad mad.
00:52:24I grew my hair long.
00:52:26I listened to music I knew he detested.
00:52:29And I even stole stuff.
00:52:31You stole stuff?
00:52:33Like what?
00:52:35Jeans.
00:52:36You stole jeans?
00:52:37Oh, not just any jeans.
00:52:40Acid wash jeans.
00:52:44It made him really angry.
00:52:47So wait, why are you mad at me if you did it too?
00:52:50Well, first of all, stealing is stealing.
00:52:52No matter how you cut it, it's wrong.
00:52:54But second of all, I'm not mad at you.
00:52:57It's my job as your dad to help you understand right from wrong.
00:53:02I'm thinking back to stealing those jeans.
00:53:04It was just a dumb kid thing to do.
00:53:07The bigger part of it was that I was really just trying to flag down my old man and say,
00:53:11I'm here too.
00:53:12So how do I fix it?
00:53:18I don't know.
00:53:20Got any ideas?
00:53:22Not really.
00:53:25All right, why don't you just sit here and you think about it.
00:53:28We'll figure it out together.
00:53:32I'm sorry.
00:53:32Me too.
00:53:54Okay, you take the dumbest, weirdest looking redneck you can find in the country, right?
00:53:58You give him a tan, you bleach his teeth, you cut off his mulla if he has one.
00:54:02You put him in some designer clothes, you send him on a date with a supermodel.
00:54:07Redneck redo.
00:54:09Now that's a show America will watch.
00:54:11Is there any idea floating around in that extremely goofy brain of yours that doesn't
00:54:16completely degrade women?
00:54:18What are you talking about?
00:54:19I love women.
00:54:20All women.
00:54:25What are you two screwballs still doing out here?
00:54:28Nothing, just hanging.
00:54:29You get too cold out here, feel free to drop in for a cup of something hot to warm you up.
00:54:37That's nice.
00:54:46What was that?
00:54:48I'm not that old.
00:54:51You're old.
00:54:51Night after night, the marauders will come.
00:55:10Now bring it on, big brother.
00:55:14Martin, hurry!
00:55:15What?
00:55:18Shh, shh, shh, shh.
00:55:19What?
00:55:20Puppies!
00:55:28Martin, put down the floor.
00:55:29Oh, what was that?
00:55:29Yes, sorry.
00:55:31Here we go.
00:55:33One, two, three.
00:55:35Breathe in.
00:55:36Breathe out.
00:55:37Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
00:55:43Sweetie, sweetie.
00:55:45I mean, I'm pretty sure it's not the same thing.
00:55:47Oh.
00:55:48You know, truthfully, this is a little disgusting.
00:55:51I don't think I'm ever going to get pregnant.
00:55:54Actually, I'm okay with that.
00:55:56It's not disgusting.
00:55:58It's beautiful.
00:55:59It's beautiful.
00:55:59Oh, my God.
00:56:29Oh, my God.
00:56:37Huh?
00:56:40What?
00:56:41Jesse, what?
00:56:49Thanks for the puppies, they'll make great watchdogs.
00:56:52Sam.
00:56:54They took Tina, too.
00:56:56She's gone.
00:56:59That's it, Martin.
00:57:02He stole our dog.
00:57:14You!
00:57:15Get in here.
00:57:19Come on.
00:57:31Hello, North Dakota.
00:57:33A couple days ago, I told Don Brindle that I would tear apart my own house to find a tax deduction.
00:57:38Then I got to thinking, over 50% of my tax payments go to some part of the Department of Defense, which is around $630 billion, 2% of which goes to civil defense, which is constructing shelters and early warning systems.
00:57:54So then I thought, why can't this test be part of that budget and have it be deductible?
00:58:02So, based on my salary, that deduction would end up being around $9,232.16.
00:58:07If Sam wants a war, we'll give him a war.
00:58:08But we'll have the other Uncle Sam pay for it.
00:58:09This is brilliant.
00:58:10Oh, and this test will be televised.
00:58:11The IRS is going to want proof of the test.
00:58:12It's a hole.
00:58:20Daddy's making booby traps.
00:58:23Like home alone.
00:58:26Night after night, Marauders will return.
00:58:28Three days and three nights.
00:58:30Uncle Sam's coming back, but we're going to get to him before he gets to us.
00:58:33Excuse me.
00:58:35Um, yeah, that didn't exactly work last night.
00:58:39Excuse me. Um, yeah, that didn't exactly work last night with your pots and pans.
00:58:43No, that's okay. We're not going to be doing alarms. It's going to be booby traps. I'm talking big booby traps, like extreme home makeover booby traps.
00:58:48Am I the only one seeing this here? I mean, you're talking about completely destroying our house. That is preposterous.
00:58:56Hey, check it out. It says here that power's out all over the city.
00:59:00Oh, let me see. Ouch.
00:59:04The web blew out everything. That's weird.
00:59:09How about that count?
00:59:29Hold on. I'm still seeing a new shower out of this, right?
00:59:32We're halfway there.
00:59:39All Martin Taylor wanted was three days away from the maddening crowd, three days away from the technological progress and moral regression that has put a stranglehold on today's society.
01:00:05But in the process, family Taylor has been invaded by the very forces they've tried to insulate themselves from.
01:00:16And overzealous armed forces, nosy neighbors who ridicule and point fingers.
01:00:21And yes, they've been pushed to their limit by one of society's outcasts, Mr. Taylor's own unstable survivalist brother, Sam.
01:00:36With their meager provisions pillaged, their beloved pet stolen, and even one of their own, Tina, the soul of their family taken hostage,
01:00:57The Taylor family has endued and united in a heroic effort to fight back the tide.
01:01:05And yes, for better or worse, come together under one roof with a common purpose.
01:01:11Can they keep afloat against an undertow so strong it is sucked into the darkness,
01:01:38because the very society it was meant to protect and inspire?
01:01:46Alas, they are a metaphor for the little people.
01:01:50You and I, the faint but enduring chorus crying out for liberty and justice for all.
01:01:56Their voyage is our voyage.
01:01:59Their success is our success.
01:02:01Their failure is our failure.
01:02:04Godspeed, Taylor family.
01:02:06Godspeed.
01:02:08Godspeed.
01:02:13Five minutes to a curtain!
01:02:15Places, please!
01:02:17So how'd I do?
01:02:19Your parents would be proud.
01:02:22Give us a second.
01:02:24Thanks.
01:02:25All right, guys.
01:02:26I know this has been a pretty rotten Christmas,
01:02:29and, uh, I just wanted to let you know that after taking a good, long, hard look in the mirror
01:02:35and checking in with you,
01:02:37I realize that the missing link in all this has been me.
01:02:42And for that, I am sorry.
01:02:45Now, let's go get him!
01:02:49Yeah!
01:02:50All right, let's go!
01:03:04Ow!
01:03:05I scratched my back!
01:03:06Seriously, Marty.
01:03:19You can do better than that.
01:03:21So stupid.
01:03:33Wings?
01:03:34Game on, Gordy.
01:03:39It's me, crew.
01:03:40Nightcrawler.
01:03:46They're here.
01:03:48You're up.
01:03:49I'm on it.
01:03:51Downstairs.
01:03:51Roger that.
01:03:52Hi, Uncle Sam.
01:04:07So nice to see you.
01:04:13All right, Jess.
01:04:14You got me.
01:04:20Here.
01:04:21Catch.
01:04:21I'm not buying it.
01:04:34Are you buying it, Tina?
01:04:38Tina's not buying it either, Jess.
01:04:40I'm buying it.
01:04:41I'm buying it.
01:04:45Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:04:47Oh!
01:04:49I'm buying that.
01:04:51Strike!
01:04:56You're going down, little brother.
01:04:58Look who's talking.
01:05:01You too, old man?
01:05:03I'm not that old.
01:05:05You're old.
01:05:07Tina!
01:05:07No, leave her.
01:05:09All right, come on.
01:05:11Oh, oh, oh, that hurt.
01:05:14Come on.
01:05:15Come on.
01:05:15Come on.
01:05:16Come here.
01:05:16Nice job.
01:05:17Boom.
01:05:18You got another player.
01:05:25Hmm.
01:05:26Hmm.
01:05:26Hmm.
01:05:27Hmm.
01:05:27Hmm.
01:05:28Hmm.
01:05:28Hmm.
01:05:29Hmm.
01:05:29Hmm.
01:05:30Hmm.
01:05:30Hmm.
01:05:31Hmm.
01:05:31Hmm.
01:05:32Come on.
01:05:33Come on.
01:05:33Come here.
01:05:34Nice job.
01:05:35Boom.
01:05:35Come on.
01:05:50Hmm.
01:05:51Hmm.
01:05:52Well, wait.
01:05:53Hit it.
01:05:53Hmm.
01:05:54Hmm.
01:05:54Hmm.
01:05:54Hmm.
01:05:54Hmm.
01:05:55Hmm.
01:05:55Hmm.
01:05:56Hmm.
01:05:57You can eat clay, Dumball.
01:06:27Come on, Sam, you can do better than that.
01:06:47Dad, Nightcrawler's down.
01:06:51I'm stuck.
01:06:55What are you doing?
01:07:01I'm stuck.
01:07:02I'm standing right here.
01:07:04You can put that thing down, you dummy.
01:07:06We're in the middle of a battle.
01:07:10Get unstuck.
01:07:13They're dug in upstairs.
01:07:16Hurry, come on.
01:07:21Now my feet are cold.
01:07:24I need Nightcrawler, not Whiny the Blue.
01:07:28Let's move it.
01:07:30Come on.
01:07:32Hurry.
01:07:33Okay, I'm coming.
01:07:35Wait for me.
01:07:37Good start, bro.
01:07:43Yeah, I like your spirit.
01:07:45Oh, what's this?
01:07:47Yeah.
01:07:48Okay.
01:07:49I think I'll start with door number two.
01:07:58I'm gonna go on a little recon.
01:08:07You check out the rest of the rooms down here.
01:08:09Really?
01:08:10Yes, really.
01:08:11Where's your weapon?
01:08:13I don't know.
01:08:14Gordon.
01:08:15Gordon.
01:08:16You're on your own now, son.
01:08:21Come in, Gordy.
01:08:30Help me.
01:08:31Gordy, I'm so scared.
01:08:47I don't like this anymore.
01:08:49Will you take me out of here?
01:09:01Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:09:05Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:09:07Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:09:11No, no, stop, please, no, no, no, no.
01:09:15No, no, yeah.
01:09:23Now that's art.
01:09:29He's all yours.
01:09:33I want to be on your team, Uncle Marty.
01:09:36Maybe next time, Gordy.
01:09:41I want to be on your team.
01:10:11I want to be on your team.
01:10:13You, Adam.
01:10:30Gotcha!
01:10:31I want to be on your team.
01:10:33Hey, big brother.
01:10:35Go along.
01:10:40Remember that, Sam?
01:10:42It's between you and me now.
01:10:44Mano e mano.
01:10:45Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
01:10:52Hey, Mark.
01:10:59Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
01:11:01Can't even beat your unprepared, disorganized, scrawny little baby present.
01:11:12Be scary or be scared.
01:11:22The world isn't going anywhere, Sam.
01:11:36But this thing between you and me does end.
01:11:38Tonight.
01:11:40The bathroom, huh?
01:11:42Right back where you started.
01:11:44You know what, Marty?
01:11:45I'm proud of you.
01:11:46You finally cracked the nut and started standing up for yourself.
01:12:01You're right.
01:12:03It ends tonight.
01:12:04You win.
01:12:09Don't whip out of me now.
01:12:11Just surrender my weapon.
01:12:18Game over.
01:12:19I surrender.
01:12:23Don't just stand there.
01:12:24I give already.
01:12:28I want you to know what victory smells like.
01:12:30What it does to your soul.
01:12:32Take me down.
01:12:35Come on.
01:12:36Do it.
01:12:39Do it!
01:12:40Okay, get down.
01:12:44Arms up.
01:12:49Lower!
01:12:52That's where I can see him.
01:12:54Yes, sir, officer.
01:12:55You think I'm blind?
01:12:56Survival means knowing your surroundings and playing them before they can play you.
01:13:12Oh, yeah?
01:13:13How'd you miss this?
01:13:14Oh, yeah?
01:13:15How'd you miss this?
01:13:16Oh, yeah.
01:13:17Oh!
01:13:18Oh!
01:13:19Oh!
01:13:20Oh!
01:13:21Karate!
01:13:22Karate!
01:13:23Those are the classes you're attacking.
01:13:24Oh!
01:13:25Oh!
01:13:26Oh!
01:13:27Oh!
01:13:28Oh!
01:13:29Oh!
01:13:30Oh!
01:13:31Oh!
01:13:32Hey, hey!
01:13:33Oh!
01:13:34Oh!
01:13:35Hey!
01:13:36Hey!
01:13:37Hey!
01:13:38Hey!
01:13:39Hey!
01:13:40Five!
01:13:41Oh, karate. Those are the classes you're attacking.
01:13:53You're tickling. It's tickling. Stop the tickling.
01:14:01Stop it. Stop it.
01:14:04My knee, my knee, my knee.
01:14:06My knee, my knee.
01:14:08Get you out of my seat.
01:14:11Ow, that's my knee again.
01:14:13Ow.
01:14:15Oh, dare you.
01:14:25Gotcha.
01:14:27You're not going that way.
01:14:36Oh, wow. That hurt.
01:14:38Too old for this.
01:14:40Yeah.
01:14:42That'll teach you to mess with Tina.
01:14:43Hmm.
01:14:44Oh, and another thing.
01:14:45You can huff and you can puff.
01:14:47But you're never blowing this house down again.
01:14:48No.
01:14:49No.
01:14:50No.
01:14:51No.
01:14:52No.
01:14:53No.
01:14:54No.
01:14:55No.
01:14:56No.
01:14:57No.
01:14:58No.
01:14:59No.
01:15:00No.
01:15:01No.
01:15:02No.
01:15:03No.
01:15:04No.
01:15:05No.
01:15:06No.
01:15:07No.
01:15:08No.
01:15:09No.
01:15:10Yeah.
01:15:11Oh.
01:15:12No.
01:15:13No.
01:15:14No.
01:15:15You can huff and you come puff.
01:15:16But you're never blowing this house down again.
01:15:19Game over.
01:15:20You're not going to shoot me?
01:15:21No.
01:15:22I don't call dead animals art.
01:15:29Thanks for the gift, buddy.
01:15:33Love you, Pop.
01:15:34Can I get a towel or something?
01:15:37I think I chipped a tooth.
01:15:41It makes you look cool, Gordy.
01:15:42You'll live.
01:15:48Come here, son.
01:15:52Come here.
01:15:56A little goofy, but what the hay.
01:15:58Why not?
01:15:59Did I just say what the hay?
01:16:03Uh-oh.
01:16:04You guys.
01:16:06We did it.
01:16:07Three days.
01:16:08We did the test.
01:16:09We did it.
01:16:09We made it.
01:16:15Come here.
01:16:15Come here.
01:16:16Let me do that thing.
01:16:17I'm proud of you, kid.
01:16:18I'm proud of you.
01:16:22Wait.
01:16:35Wait.
01:16:36Check it out.
01:16:40Feels good, isn't it?
01:16:45There you go.
01:16:46And there was light.
01:16:50Merry Christmas.
01:16:51Merry Christmas.
01:16:54All right, guys.
01:16:55Get your coats on.
01:16:55Let's go get those dogs.
01:16:56Great.
01:16:57And get our phones.
01:16:58Not the best.
01:17:04Better?
01:17:05Much better.
01:17:07Mm-hmm.
01:17:08Downward.
01:17:09You have not answers.
01:17:12Hey, Jesse.
01:17:13I got a great idea.
01:17:14It's all right.
01:17:17It's all right, dude.
01:17:19I got it.
01:17:20Reality show.
01:17:21This is the one.
01:17:24Every week, we take a family.
01:17:26We stick them in a house.
01:17:27Like this.
01:17:29Come here.
01:17:29We stick them in a house for three days.
01:17:32And we see what happens.
01:17:33Not the best.
01:17:34I'mINS.
01:17:34You have not.
01:17:35Let's go.
01:17:46I'mnis.
01:17:46Yeah.
01:17:47I'm not.
01:17:47I'm out.
01:17:49I'm not.
01:17:50You have to be a guy who can be in a house.
01:17:53I'm not.
01:17:53What are you doing?
01:17:54I'm not.
01:17:54I'm not.
01:17:55I'm not.
01:17:55I'm not.
01:17:56I'm not.
01:17:57I'm not.
01:17:57I'm not.
01:17:58I'm not.
01:17:59I'm not.