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cyberrebel502
  • 17 minutes ago
In the town of Amity, the cops take crime off of the streets and put it into the police station where it belongs.
Stars Corey Feldman, Corey Haim, Corey Haim, Elliott Gould &
Julie Strain



Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00:00I don't know
00:00:46We put together a sweet situation
00:00:50From a plan born in my brain
00:00:54We finally bagged a taste of a good life
00:00:58Took a ride on a gravy train
00:01:02Then it all came crashing down
00:01:06Tell me where we're on
00:01:11But now we're busted, busted
00:01:16We thought we had it under control
00:01:20But now we're busted, busted
00:01:25Ain't nowhere to hide
00:01:33Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:01:37Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:01:41Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:01:44Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
00:01:47The bottom fell out of our love boat
00:01:51Now it's time to sink or swim
00:01:55We didn't do any harm to anybody
00:01:59Sometimes fate won't let you in
00:02:09Hey, you know, Uncle Alex, I really miss that great white.
00:02:12Things just haven't been the same since he's been gone.
00:02:14Yeah, that fish was a minnow compared to the barracuda I married.
00:02:19Hamilton, where have you been all morning?
00:02:21Out work in the streets. It's a jungle out there.
00:02:23Found a missing earring.
00:02:26Hamilton, hit the streets.
00:02:27Yes, sir.
00:02:29Time for roll call.
00:02:31Let's roll.
00:02:34Lacey.
00:02:35Pumpernickels, sir.
00:02:37Casey.
00:02:38Onions, sir.
00:02:39How?
00:02:40Sesame seed, sir.
00:02:42David.
00:02:43I actually, uh, I wanted the sesame seed.
00:02:47You had it last roll call.
00:02:48Yes, but I wanted it now, too.
00:02:50I like sesame seed.
00:02:51I wanted the damn sesame seed.
00:02:52You, Jimmy, don't fucking say it.
00:03:03That's why I'm the captain.
00:03:06Oh, I'm sorry.
00:03:08I'm sorry, too.
00:03:09Hey, ladies, knock it off.
00:03:12Where the hell's Clifford?
00:03:13He's down cleaning the sewage pumps, last time I saw him.
00:03:17Yeah, that's where he belongs.
00:03:21All right.
00:03:23We've got a busy day ahead of us.
00:03:25Let's see what we've got this week.
00:03:28All right.
00:03:29So far, we've had robberies, zero.
00:03:32Accidental deaths, zero.
00:03:34Murders, zero.
00:03:35But we have had an increase in the number of women jumping out of their showers and running
00:03:40through the yard.
00:03:42Naked.
00:03:43That, that would be the peeping Tom.
00:03:53We have a sketch.
00:03:59It's a little rough right now, but we're still working on it.
00:04:02You should get a fair idea.
00:04:06Not bad.
00:04:10Really nice.
00:04:11Well, I know it's, uh, it's a little rough, but it's the best I could do right up front.
00:04:17So, basically, I want you to keep doing what you're doing.
00:04:22Keep your eyes out for that peeping Tom.
00:04:28And don't get caught sleeping in the squad car.
00:04:30I, uh, that's because I was using my other senses like a ninja.
00:04:40So, when you go out there today, I want you to fight.
00:04:43Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight.
00:04:45If you run into a criminal and you get in a fight, here's what I want you to do.
00:04:50If he hits you and knocks you down, I want you to get up and fight him again.
00:04:53If he knocks you down again, I want you to get up and fight him harder.
00:04:56If he knocks you down again, I want you to get up and get the hell out of there because
00:04:59you're losing.
00:04:59Now, get out there and lose.
00:05:01Yeah.
00:05:02What?
00:05:04Give me a donut.
00:05:07Captain, he gets the last.
00:05:10Up yours.
00:05:12Ow.
00:05:12Ow.
00:05:13Hey.
00:05:14What happened to you?
00:05:15I'm sorry.
00:05:17You missed roll call.
00:05:18Ah, Kaiser.
00:05:20Where were you?
00:05:21I was on a cigarette break.
00:05:23But you don't smoke.
00:05:23Well, it's not what the ladies say.
00:05:41Morning, Lieutenant.
00:05:42Morning, Officers.
00:06:20Morning, Morning, Morning, Morning.
00:06:49Morning, Morning, Morning, Morning.
00:06:53Morning, Morning, Morning.
00:07:13Amity, please.
00:07:14Is this an emergency?
00:07:15Lindsay?
00:07:16Yes, I would have the greatest respect for you if you could hook me up with you.
00:07:19You have many different kinds of girls there.
00:07:21Yes, sir.
00:07:22Do you have a preference for your afternoon pleasure?
00:07:25Yes, something in a redhead with big broad shoulders.
00:07:28Ah, someone will be right over to pick you up.
00:07:31David, we got one!
00:07:33Yeah?
00:07:33Who's it for?
00:07:34Bami!
00:07:35Ah.
00:07:38Oh.
00:07:39Good.
00:07:39Wake her up.
00:07:41Wait.
00:07:42Just Dr. Kaplan.
00:07:43She doesn't need to be awake.
00:07:57Bami.
00:07:57Carrie.
00:07:58Carrie, you awake?
00:08:00Oh, now I am.
00:08:01Okay, well get up yourself and make up your ten hours of community service.
00:08:05Can I take it out and trade?
00:08:07Ah.
00:08:08Carrie.
00:08:09All right, all right.
00:08:11The women's auxiliary is coming in for a lesson.
00:08:13Wake me at one.
00:08:16Bami.
00:08:17Hmm?
00:08:18You look different.
00:08:19What is it?
00:08:21Maybe because I straightened my hair a little.
00:08:23I don't think so.
00:08:26Weight loss?
00:08:27I dropped 52 pounds.
00:08:28You do look great, but I don't think that's it.
00:08:31Nose job?
00:08:34Maybe.
00:08:35Bib job.
00:08:37Getting closer.
00:08:38Better.
00:08:39The sex change operation.
00:08:42That's it.
00:08:45Ah!
00:08:50Ah!
00:08:51Ah!
00:08:52Ah!
00:08:53Ah!
00:08:53Ah!
00:08:54Ah!
00:08:55Ah!
00:08:55Ah!
00:08:55Ah!
00:08:57Ah!
00:08:58Ah!
00:08:59Ah!
00:09:09Hold it right there, miss.
00:09:11Yes?
00:09:11You realize that you were jaywalking?
00:09:14Why?
00:09:15We have laws around here, miss.
00:09:17Can you see?
00:09:19Butt, butt, nothing.
00:09:20Great butt or no butt.
00:09:21You're still getting a ticket.
00:09:22Butts don't stop me.
00:09:23Butt.
00:09:23Don't worry.
00:09:24In case you're wondering, you have a great butt.
00:09:26Hey, attention, you bloody bull.
00:09:28Nice hat.
00:09:29What are you talking about?
00:09:30What's the problem?
00:09:30I got a note.
00:09:31I came from over there.
00:09:33Where are you going?
00:09:34Why aren't you chasing the super cool?
00:09:37That's a long run.
00:09:38I bet it is.
00:09:40Officer Hamilton.
00:09:41Officer how?
00:09:42Yeah, uh, did you see everything?
00:09:44Everything.
00:09:45Where are the perks?
00:09:47Right over there.
00:09:50I, uh...
00:09:53I mean the, uh...
00:09:55I mean the guys who robbed the liquor store.
00:09:59Someone robbed the liquor store?
00:10:01Oh God, nobody tells me anything.
00:10:03Jeez.
00:10:04I tried to tell you.
00:10:06You're under arrest.
00:10:07I tried to tell you.
00:10:08I'll tear you down.
00:10:09Wait till they get you through the breeze.
00:10:10You're a troublemaker.
00:10:11You're a troublemaker.
00:10:12Walk, walk, walk.
00:10:13Move that ass.
00:10:14Move that ass.
00:10:15Come on, come on.
00:10:16Come on.
00:10:16No, no, no.
00:10:17Let me tear you down.
00:10:18No, no, no.
00:10:19Get out of the way.
00:10:30What have we got here?
00:10:32We had a burglary.
00:10:33I see.
00:10:34Uh, what'd you do?
00:10:37Steal somebody's heart?
00:10:43Now, this is the eyewitness.
00:10:45Einstein over there.
00:10:46The Hamilton idiot.
00:10:47Moron.
00:10:48Moron.
00:10:49Idiot.
00:10:49Shut up.
00:10:50Sorry.
00:10:52This big palooka had his back to the whole crime scene and missed everything.
00:10:56She was jaywalking.
00:10:57So, tell me.
00:10:59Okay.
00:10:59Did you see anything?
00:11:00I saw two guys running out of a liquor store.
00:11:02They had shorts on.
00:11:02They had black ski masks.
00:11:04And I tried to tell him.
00:11:05He didn't do anything.
00:11:06Hmm.
00:11:09Too bad she didn't see.
00:11:12Wait a minute.
00:11:14What day is it?
00:11:15The third.
00:11:17The Baker Brothers.
00:11:19That's right.
00:11:20Excuse me?
00:11:21Well, you see, it's the Baker Brothers M.O.
00:11:24Black ski masks.
00:11:25Every Wednesday, they rob their father's store.
00:11:28How?
00:11:29Pick them up.
00:11:31My commandant.
00:11:32You want a booker?
00:11:33Yes.
00:11:34Booker.
00:11:35I can offer you a two-day roll.
00:11:36SAG scale and credit billing.
00:11:38But you'll have to call my agent.
00:11:39Damn, I hate working with agents.
00:11:44Hey, David.
00:11:44Anything new?
00:11:45Yes.
00:11:46Ten children were born yesterday.
00:11:48I mean in the station.
00:11:49Oh.
00:11:49Nah, same old garbage.
00:11:51See what I mean?
00:11:56Yeah, that really stinks.
00:11:58So what about that peeping Tom?
00:11:59What about him?
00:12:03Oh, well, we haven't caught him yet, if that's what you're asking.
00:12:06But he really does give me the creeps.
00:12:09He's not spying on you.
00:12:12You're built the wrong way.
00:12:13What do you mean?
00:12:14Well, you see, David, the male anatomy is quite different from the females in many ways.
00:12:19For example, the male erection.
00:12:20I think I got your point.
00:12:22No pun intended.
00:12:24No pun taken.
00:12:25I wasn't trying to be funny.
00:12:27Well, so far you don't have anything to worry about.
00:12:29Good.
00:12:30So, you got any leads?
00:12:31Eh, no.
00:12:33But if it kills me, I'm gonna catch that peeping Tom.
00:12:41Whoa!
00:12:43Who do you think can raise their eyebrow higher?
00:12:47Spock.
00:12:50Yoo-hoo!
00:12:52Ah, Mrs. David.
00:12:55Good to see you.
00:12:59Your mustache tickles.
00:13:01I don't have a mustache.
00:13:05Oh!
00:13:06Oh!
00:13:08Oh, I came to check on the woman's auxiliary.
00:13:12Oh.
00:13:18Come on.
00:13:19Let's go.
00:13:26So, how are things?
00:13:28Fine.
00:13:29Just fine.
00:13:30David, darling.
00:13:31Uh, you haven't told my husband about your little enterprise, have you?
00:13:36Not a thing.
00:13:38Besides, I think if he knew what we were doing here, he would have no problem with it.
00:13:41Because all we are doing is taking crime off the streets and putting it in the police station where it
00:13:47belongs.
00:13:55Well, I just wanted to warn you because he's up for re-election, and you know what that means.
00:14:03Instantaneous, ostentatious morality.
00:14:06All right, let's go.
00:14:09Ah, Mrs. Mayor, we were just getting started.
00:14:12Ah, carry, carry, carry on.
00:14:20All right, ladies, the procedures I am going to be teaching you this afternoon will be very, very important to
00:14:28your marriages.
00:14:30Today, we'll be discussing oral sex.
00:14:33Now, I've laid out a few items here for us to practice with.
00:14:37Try and find whatever it is that you have at home.
00:14:44Cucumbers.
00:14:45I have cucumbers.
00:14:46Does anybody need a cucumber?
00:14:49Oh, yeah.
00:14:52Oh, jeez.
00:14:54I'm sorry.
00:14:57Carrots.
00:15:01Anybody need a carrot?
00:15:05Hot dogs.
00:15:06Kosher?
00:15:07Now you're talking.
00:15:15Do you have any, um, viennel sausages?
00:15:18Oh.
00:15:19Yeah.
00:15:20I am sorry.
00:15:23Officer Angelotti, you left your nude crack shots in the copier.
00:15:27Please pick them up.
00:15:30Thelma?
00:15:31Is the cell ready yet?
00:15:33Yes, sir.
00:15:34Nice to see you again, Dr. Kaplan.
00:15:37Thelma.
00:15:43Thelma.
00:15:45Yeah?
00:15:47Say this.
00:15:48Oh, yeah.
00:15:50I was coming for you, honey.
00:15:53Here you go.
00:15:54Yeah.
00:15:56There you go.
00:15:58Here you go.
00:16:00Here you go.
00:16:08Come here, you bad, bad boy.
00:16:13First, I'm going to have to strip search you.
00:16:19Now, you're the prisoner, I'm the warden, and I'm going to have to put you in the hole.
00:16:29Oh, yeah.
00:16:50Here you go.
00:16:52Here you go.
00:16:53Oh, yeah.
00:17:26Oh, yeah.
00:18:16Excuse me, is Captain Smith in?
00:18:19And who should I say is asking?
00:18:21Um, Martin Riff.
00:18:23I'm the new guy.
00:18:25Oh, the rookie.
00:18:27We've been expecting you.
00:18:29Let me check.
00:18:32Captain Smith.
00:18:33The rookie's here for orientation.
00:18:41Ah, you must be the new rookie.
00:18:43Captain.
00:18:44Good to see you, son.
00:18:47Well, welcome to the Amity Police Force.
00:18:50Come on.
00:18:51Let me tell you something about an organization.
00:18:52Organization?
00:18:53You know, I was in the drama club in high school.
00:18:55Ah, so you're a four-eyed homo.
00:18:56Come on.
00:18:57One more.
00:18:58One more.
00:18:59Squeeze it out.
00:19:00Ah, that's a girl.
00:19:03Good going, girl.
00:19:14You mean you're running a brothel here?
00:19:16You really are a bozo on yourself.
00:19:18Tit for tat.
00:19:19Mm-hmm.
00:19:21Oh, excuse me.
00:19:22Officers Casey and Lacey.
00:19:24Rookie Marty Riff.
00:19:26You mean they're not the hookers?
00:19:28No, you idiot.
00:19:29Hookers have real tits.
00:19:31Officers Casey and Lacey.
00:19:33Ladies?
00:19:34Sir!
00:19:37Come on, butt boy.
00:19:38Bye.
00:19:41Oh, my God.
00:19:43Yeah, they're partners.
00:19:45More ways than you are.
00:19:52Oh!
00:19:54Yeah.
00:19:56Hey, Captain.
00:19:57We got a pickup.
00:19:58You want me to take the rookie?
00:20:01Oh, yeah.
00:20:01That's a great idea.
00:20:03Get that four-eyed geek out of here.
00:20:05He's bugging the crap out of me.
00:20:06I appreciate your confidence in me, Captain.
00:20:09Hey, you're doing a great job, son.
00:20:11I'm sure your father would be proud of you
00:20:12if you knew who you were.
00:20:14Oh, I appreciate that.
00:20:17It's for Bambi again.
00:20:20Teddy over on Larchmont,
00:20:21and he used the old password.
00:20:23Okay, I'll give him the new password.
00:20:25What's the password?
00:20:26Shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.
00:20:28It used to be cock-a-doodle-doo.
00:20:30Then last summer, a rooster called.
00:20:32We thought it was a john.
00:20:34Now we know what chicken ranch means.
00:20:36Oh, man.
00:20:38Captain?
00:20:39Take your hands off me, you slimeball.
00:20:43Found her on the corner of first domain soliciting for sexual favors.
00:20:46Was not.
00:20:47Was too.
00:20:48Was not.
00:20:48Was too.
00:20:51Take this little floozy to the interrogation room.
00:20:53She looks dangerous.
00:20:55Don't try anything smart, tootsie.
00:20:56Or you'll find out what police brutality really means.
00:20:58This way.
00:20:59Let's go.
00:21:03Hey, where the hell's Clifford anyway?
00:21:06Little shit's probably getting another MRI.
00:21:12Yeah, well, she looks like the real thing.
00:21:14Yeah.
00:21:15Choice of a new generation.
00:21:17Well, maybe she's the uncooler.
00:21:19Quite possibly.
00:21:20Yeah.
00:21:21Well, I'll run her record.
00:21:23You, uh, go in there and keep her calm.
00:21:25Be firm with her.
00:21:26I want her to know.
00:21:30We don't take the law lightly.
00:21:31Okay.
00:21:33Let's go.
00:21:35Look, I want to make a phone call.
00:21:38You'll make a phone call when I say you can make a phone call.
00:21:41Well, I ain't saying shit until I talk to my lawyer.
00:21:44Well, fine.
00:21:44We could use some silencer out here.
00:21:47Oh, hey.
00:21:51Mike, your outfit.
00:21:52Did you think that was around here?
00:21:54What's it to you?
00:21:55Just trying to be nice.
00:21:59They're not going to really try and hold me here, are they?
00:22:03It's a small town, honey.
00:22:04They don't take too kindly to breaking the law.
00:22:07Shut up, you two.
00:22:08This woman here is a criminal, and I'm going to see to it that she's punished.
00:22:14No, no, no, not that.
00:22:16Please, please.
00:22:17Anything but that.
00:22:18Wait.
00:22:18Please.
00:22:18Hold it right there, Officer Hamilton.
00:22:20I ran a record.
00:22:22Not bad.
00:22:23Second song's pretty good.
00:22:24What about the third song?
00:22:26Eh, not catchy enough.
00:22:28But we'll let you slide.
00:22:31So, Carrie, can you use an extra hand around here?
00:22:35Summer, we can always use an extra hand.
00:22:41Sorry I was rude to you earlier.
00:22:42I just wasn't sure.
00:22:47Doing my job.
00:22:49You, uh, may have been with Internal Affairs.
00:22:55But she thought I was a cop.
00:22:56Well, you can never be too sure.
00:23:00What was it that gave it away?
00:23:02Maybe the outfit?
00:23:04I like your outfit.
00:23:07Yeah, me too.
00:23:10You guys are nuts.
00:23:14If you're not going to charge me with anything, I'm going to get the hell out of here.
00:23:19Let's go.
00:23:20Let's go.
00:23:20You can go, darling.
00:23:22But I think you're making a big mistake.
00:23:24You can work right here doing what you do.
00:23:27But if you don't want to, can I borrow your outfit?
00:23:31See, there's already two of us here.
00:23:33Got room for three?
00:23:35Wait a minute, you guys are hookers?
00:23:38No, but we play them on TV.
00:23:42Bambi and I got started the same way.
00:23:44Got busted.
00:23:45Captain invited us to stay on.
00:23:49Wait, the captain gave you a job?
00:23:51Sure.
00:23:52He said he didn't see any harm and two girls trying to make a living.
00:23:55Long as no one gets hurt.
00:23:57And you guys never get smacked, beat up, anything like that?
00:23:59In a police department?
00:24:02No one gets hurt with a police department.
00:24:08Just think.
00:24:09No more pimps.
00:24:10No more cold street corners.
00:24:12No more standing around in these ridiculous high heels that throw your back out.
00:24:17Great.
00:24:19So what do you think?
00:24:20You want to get cleaned up?
00:24:21Sure.
00:24:21I'll show you the locker room.
00:24:23All right?
00:24:25I think I'll clean the locker room.
00:24:27I think not.
00:24:29I think that you're not going to rest until you get out there and find me that peeping Tom.
00:24:38God damn it.
00:24:40If we don't find him soon, this music is going to drive me insane.
00:24:46Okay.
00:24:47And a five, six, seven, eight.
00:24:49Bum, bum, bum, bum.
00:24:50A twirl like you're leaning and go.
00:24:52You go, girl.
00:24:53Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
00:24:55Let it glaze up.
00:24:56Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
00:24:58And a turn and a butt up.
00:25:01It's the mayor!
00:25:02It's the mayor!
00:25:05It's the mayor!
00:25:06Captain Smith!
00:25:08Take five, ladies.
00:25:10Love you.
00:25:11Hate you.
00:25:12Yes?
00:25:12Mayor Davies is here.
00:25:13Oh, my God.
00:25:14Mayor Davies.
00:25:16Gentlemen.
00:25:18Sir, Mayor Davies?
00:25:19It has come to my attention that this police department has not been following the strict moral guidelines expected of
00:25:25it.
00:25:26What do you mean, sir?
00:25:27Amity is a fine community of hardworking families and innocent children living in harmony with each other and the cities
00:25:34around them.
00:25:35They deserve a police department of dedicated, hardworking professionals, a police department serving the needs of the community.
00:25:44Hold it down if I'm trying to talk!
00:25:49What is it exactly you want, sir?
00:25:52Captain Smith.
00:25:53I'm demanding you step down until a full investigation of you and your department has been completed.
00:26:01Take him away.
00:26:05I have brought you exactly what this department needs.
00:26:13You see?
00:26:14Captain May.
00:26:23This is Captain May.
00:26:25She'll be in charge of this department until things get sorted out.
00:26:30Lieutenant Carroll, show her the ropes.
00:26:34Miss Mayor.
00:26:38Short, medium, long.
00:26:41Officer David Carroll, head of vice.
00:26:43I'll bet you are.
00:26:46I think there was no need for a change.
00:26:49Oh, I think there was plenty of need for a change.
00:26:50I see.
00:26:51Bring me up to speed.
00:26:52All right.
00:26:53Let's go.
00:26:54Marks?
00:26:54Get set, go!
00:26:57Officer Howell, lying one.
00:26:58Winchell's donuts again.
00:27:04Hi.
00:27:10Will you stop it already?
00:27:13You noticed him, too.
00:27:16You noticed him, too.
00:27:16Yeah, but I'm not drooling.
00:27:18I bet he's great in the sack.
00:27:19God, I bet he's never been in the sack.
00:27:22I think we should find out.
00:27:26Sorry.
00:27:30Nah.
00:27:32Speak of the devil.
00:27:36Oh, I'm sorry.
00:27:38Sorry about what?
00:27:40Well, I mean, I don't want to interrupt.
00:27:42Sit there now.
00:27:45Sit there now.
00:27:59So?
00:28:01You been a cop, Mom?
00:28:04Yeah.
00:28:06No, no, I mean, no.
00:28:08No, no, I just graduated.
00:28:10You're going to like it here.
00:28:12Mm-hmm.
00:28:14Can I have a bite of the apple?
00:28:16Sure.
00:28:20Sure.
00:28:42Excuse me.
00:28:49don't you want something on that do you have any butter
00:29:03oh honey you have to spread this evenly let me help you
00:29:10whoops I think you missed a spot
00:29:28Amity is a great little town nice people really nice
00:29:34I sure seems like it can I have one of those
00:29:41sure would you like have thanks
00:29:49we will see the fabulous lunchroom and this is where all of our wonderful police officers
00:29:54come and have lunch every day if you look right now you'll be able to see them
00:29:57what is going on here what is going on here
00:30:03Officer Rick here
00:30:05he was showing the correct procedure for the Heimlich maneuver
00:30:12he ate one of these and I think he got really hot right Officer Rick
00:30:18hey
00:30:19well never mind that right now
00:30:22ladies and gentlemen this is
00:30:24this is Officer Captain Mary May
00:30:27she will be heading and investigating the department from here on out
00:30:32officers Casey and Lacey
00:30:34at your service
00:30:35carry on
00:30:37carry on
00:30:54oh maybe you'd like to see the certificate of appreciation we received last year
00:31:00the most uneventful town in America
00:31:05well that certainly is interesting
00:31:07I'd like to see the locker rooms
00:31:09uh
00:31:10okay look at that one
00:31:11see that picture right there
00:31:15do you want to do my breasts
00:31:27oh yeah
00:31:28oh please
00:31:29oh
00:31:33oh deeper
00:31:35no no
00:31:36I don't floss on the first date
00:31:39that's uh
00:31:40that's our local high school
00:31:42look at all those adorable faces
00:31:54let's go
00:31:56rinse fast we've got trouble
00:31:58what's up
00:32:00no time
00:32:01use the route
00:32:01and uh round up the girls
00:32:03and get them out of here
00:32:04hurry
00:32:04oh my god
00:32:05Bambi's still on duty
00:32:06oh come on
00:32:08oh my god
00:32:09let's hurry
00:32:10my cow
00:32:10did you see my cow
00:32:12what are you doing
00:32:12what about my cow
00:32:14wait where are you going
00:32:15secret passage
00:32:16good idea
00:32:16deliver fine
00:32:19I'll go naked
00:32:20wait wait
00:32:21don't do this
00:32:22wait for me
00:32:22don't do this
00:32:23wait a minute
00:32:24wait a minute
00:32:25wait a minute
00:32:30officer Hall
00:32:31at your service
00:32:33you have the men and women
00:32:34in the same locker room
00:32:35um
00:32:36well you see it's not really like that
00:32:38because because
00:32:40well uh you see
00:32:42it's just that
00:32:43it's not really in the budget
00:32:45right now
00:32:45in this department
00:32:47to have two separate locker rooms
00:32:49oh that sounds like a line
00:32:50you see uh
00:32:51we uh
00:32:52we take turns in the shower
00:32:54first the women
00:32:55then the men
00:32:56then the transsexuals
00:32:58then the transvestites
00:33:00it's all uh
00:33:01it's all
00:33:02so we don't confuse the issues
00:33:03no that's all very confusing
00:33:06now I'd like to see the holding cells
00:33:08right this way
00:33:09let's go
00:33:20officer Carol
00:33:21you just gotta let me go
00:33:23I promise I'll never do it again
00:33:26and from now on
00:33:27I'll be a good girl
00:33:29you're already pretty good
00:33:30thanks
00:33:31thanks
00:33:32thanks
00:33:34I'm afraid to ask
00:33:35you should be
00:33:36I mean
00:33:37you shouldn't be
00:33:38because it doesn't really matter
00:33:39I can explain
00:33:41I'm waiting
00:33:42uh
00:33:43well
00:33:44I uh
00:33:47would you believe
00:33:48thank you
00:33:49thank you
00:33:49and welcome to
00:33:50would you believe
00:33:51the show
00:33:51that tests just how far
00:33:53your imagination
00:33:54will stretch
00:33:55my pumpkin pie
00:33:58my little
00:33:59prune Danish
00:34:00my lover
00:34:04you're supposed to know
00:34:05shh
00:34:08shh
00:34:09and right now
00:34:09for $500
00:34:10officer David Carroll
00:34:12why does this jail cell
00:34:14look like a bordella
00:34:15would you believe
00:34:16um
00:34:18because she's here so often
00:34:20that they had to bring
00:34:21all of her own stuff from home
00:34:22good answer
00:34:24but not good enough
00:34:25miss Bambi
00:34:27would you believe
00:34:28um
00:34:29we had the whole thing redone
00:34:31by Madonna's decorator
00:34:32that's unbelievable
00:34:35captain Mary May
00:34:36for $500
00:34:37would you believe
00:34:38it was created by criminal psychologists
00:34:40who wanted to regress criminals
00:34:42to the moment of conception
00:34:43that's right
00:34:44that's right
00:34:45we have a winner
00:34:46Captain Mary May
00:34:48at the Amity Police Department
00:34:49step up here
00:34:50and collect your $500
00:34:53congratulations
00:34:53I'll be in my office
00:34:54thank you
00:34:54thank you very much
00:34:55$500
00:34:57that's more than I've made
00:34:58all week
00:35:00tune in next week
00:35:01and be prepared
00:35:02to stretch
00:35:04stretch
00:35:06stretch
00:35:06further
00:35:07than you've ever
00:35:08stretched before
00:35:18so
00:35:21you think you're being cute
00:35:24you think this is
00:35:25some kind of game
00:35:27you're answering
00:35:28huh
00:35:30don't listen much
00:35:31mister
00:35:32you got a hearing problem
00:35:34he doesn't speak much
00:35:38neither do you
00:35:45mister
00:35:45big
00:35:47you're supposed to be
00:35:48the older brother
00:35:49you're supposed to set
00:35:50an example
00:35:51I don't think he's listening
00:35:54can you hear me mister
00:35:57he's got hearing problems
00:35:59too
00:36:01let me try some sign language
00:36:03alright
00:36:05you
00:36:07can't
00:36:08break
00:36:09into
00:36:10your
00:36:12father's
00:36:13store
00:36:16it
00:36:16makes
00:36:18you
00:36:19look
00:36:21whoo
00:36:25he can't
00:36:26see nothing
00:36:27neither
00:36:27so why are we talking
00:36:29then
00:36:30well because he's the one
00:36:31that's got all the brains
00:36:32in the family
00:36:32what the hell
00:36:36put us on the map
00:36:37the counter's been the same
00:36:39since he's been here
00:36:43cut her throat
00:36:44oh
00:36:45oh
00:36:46hey
00:36:49alrighty
00:36:50tell you what I'm gonna do
00:36:53I'm gonna let you go this time
00:36:55no one's pressing charges
00:36:57but next time
00:36:59clear
00:37:03we'll never do it again
00:37:06better not
00:37:06and you
00:37:08take that stupid look
00:37:10off your face
00:37:13it's better
00:37:15come on
00:37:16come on
00:37:16get out of here
00:37:17leave those masks
00:37:19crooks
00:37:20wait a minute
00:37:22someone help me
00:37:24oh
00:37:25what can we do for you
00:37:25I was taking a shower
00:37:27I just live around the corner
00:37:28and there was this man
00:37:30I saw him in
00:37:32my bushes
00:37:33watching me
00:37:35so he was
00:37:37washing your bush
00:37:39no he was
00:37:40busting my watch
00:37:41I mean
00:37:42watching my bust
00:37:43I mean
00:37:43watching me wash
00:37:45oh
00:37:47I've never been so scared
00:37:48in my whole life
00:37:52so
00:37:53this man
00:37:55do you look like this
00:37:57that's him
00:37:58exactly
00:38:02well
00:38:02sounds like the peeping Tom
00:38:08we know
00:38:09somebody's been watching
00:38:10and we've been watching
00:38:10him watch
00:38:11but we don't know
00:38:11who he is
00:38:12even with that sketch
00:38:14I know
00:38:15it's hard to believe
00:38:18can I wash your walk
00:38:19I mean
00:38:20can I walk your bush
00:38:21I mean
00:38:22can I
00:38:23can I walk you home
00:38:24I'd really appreciate it
00:38:26oh gosh
00:38:28thank you
00:38:29thank you
00:38:31drop by anytime
00:38:33thank you
00:38:37so
00:38:38the mayor gone yet
00:38:38yeah
00:38:39and the shit
00:38:41has really hit the fan
00:38:43wait a minute
00:38:44they don't steal
00:38:45other people's jokes
00:38:46around here
00:38:47we only borrow them
00:38:50good thing
00:38:50yes
00:38:51oh my god
00:38:52I left Billy in the cell
00:38:53so what's going on
00:38:54oh well
00:38:55let me tell you
00:38:55I didn't tell you before
00:38:56okay what happened
00:38:56was Captain Smith
00:38:57came into the picture
00:38:58you know
00:38:58and he was the captain
00:38:59he was great
00:38:59because we ran
00:39:00a prostitution ring
00:39:01through here
00:39:01you know
00:39:01but everybody
00:39:01got paid a lot of money
00:39:02they got their nails
00:39:03painted their toes
00:39:04painted every single day
00:39:04because they could afford it
00:39:05sorry
00:39:05we bought all kinds of
00:39:06except a prostitution ring
00:39:07and he's trying to get rid
00:39:08of the prostitution ring
00:39:09well what are we supposed to do
00:39:10I mean nobody's making money anymore
00:39:11everybody needs to be rich
00:39:12they need to get new clothes
00:39:13daily
00:39:13they need to feed themselves
00:39:14then Captain Mary
00:39:15may come finish
00:39:20this is a fine way
00:39:22to run a business
00:39:22locking us up
00:39:24in separate sales
00:39:25I feel like I'm about ready to bust
00:39:30Billy
00:39:30David
00:39:30sorry man
00:39:32didn't mean to leave you hanging
00:39:33we had a little problem
00:39:35look we have a little problem here
00:39:37I heard that before
00:39:38so I
00:39:39me too
00:39:40huh
00:39:42well
00:39:43anyway
00:39:43I guess we should probably
00:39:45leave you be for now
00:39:46yeah
00:39:46let's go
00:39:47we'll come back
00:39:47no wait
00:39:48David
00:39:49you can't leave me like this man
00:39:51I feel like a prisoner
00:39:52what would make you feel that way
00:39:55I got it
00:39:57we'll be back
00:39:58let's go
00:40:01oh my god
00:40:03oh my god
00:40:04she's transversed
00:40:05she had something up her butt
00:40:06and it died
00:40:07and she doesn't understand
00:40:08because it's a whole
00:40:09it's a whole control thing
00:40:09you know
00:40:10she doesn't even want to know
00:40:11what's going on
00:40:11because she walks around
00:40:12the whole place
00:40:12like she also got in that place
00:40:13she just came in here
00:40:14a little while ago
00:40:15tell something to you
00:40:16that he thinks she's
00:40:16you know
00:40:17never left
00:40:17anyway
00:40:21man that was bad
00:40:23you didn't like it
00:40:25no I'm down with it
00:40:28it felt hard to me
00:40:31no I mean I'm cool
00:40:32I mean I was
00:40:33just chilling
00:40:34do you want me to
00:40:35turn up the heat
00:40:38hey where's Bambi
00:40:41my god
00:40:42she's still with Billy
00:40:44Captain May's coming
00:40:45Captain May's coming
00:40:46oh maid alert
00:40:47oh maid alert
00:40:48oh maid alert
00:40:49I don't want to know
00:40:51where I put that ship
00:40:52in a flagpole
00:40:53well I'm sure it's all
00:40:54very interesting
00:40:55but I really do have
00:40:56to get unpacked
00:40:57alright maybe later then
00:40:58I've still got some
00:40:59paperwork to do
00:41:00any messages
00:41:01yes your mother called
00:41:02my mother called
00:41:03well yes
00:41:03there's been a horrible accident
00:41:04and your father's been killed
00:41:05what do you mean
00:41:06well apparently there was
00:41:08a freak accident
00:41:08and his lawnmower killed him
00:41:10she said it went haywire
00:41:12and turned your father
00:41:12into fertilizer
00:41:14wait good news
00:41:15your lawn looks better
00:41:16than ever
00:41:17it's colorful
00:41:18they're full of life
00:41:19fourth time this week
00:41:20who are you
00:41:23officer Lisa Hancock
00:41:25I'm the night receptionist
00:41:26I thought the lieutenant
00:41:27picked up the phone at night
00:41:28well that's because
00:41:29you didn't have me
00:41:32do you have any whiteout
00:41:53oh gosh billy
00:41:54I thought you were done
00:41:56I'm sorry
00:41:56no wait wait wait
00:41:57damn it
00:41:59damn
00:41:59what'd I do
00:42:01I can't get out of jail
00:42:06Amity Police Department
00:42:07is this an emergency
00:42:08it sure feels like one
00:42:10shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong
00:42:13reference
00:42:14I think the blonde one
00:42:16I'm tired of me
00:42:17an officer will be right over
00:42:20go wake up Clifford
00:42:22and get Hamilton
00:42:22to run interference
00:42:23alright
00:42:32no I'm here
00:42:33as a public servant
00:42:34I'll help anybody
00:42:35no problem at all
00:42:37why would I care
00:42:38that it's the Pope
00:42:39he's got sexual problems
00:42:41just like everybody else
00:42:42I assure you
00:42:44what do you mean
00:42:45anti-Semitic
00:42:51Hamilton
00:42:51yes
00:42:53I've got a client
00:42:54in route
00:42:55and
00:42:55I need you to pick up
00:42:57a graffiti artist
00:42:59take care of the captain
00:43:00for me will you
00:43:00oh that woman's about
00:43:01as much fun as an enema
00:43:03alright
00:43:04then I'll take care of her
00:43:05thanks
00:43:10by the way
00:43:12don't forget
00:43:14Bambi's in the cell
00:43:15you gotta get her out
00:43:16remember last time
00:43:17she thought she was
00:43:17the lion for an hour
00:43:19remember
00:43:19I had to do the end
00:43:21production for the
00:43:21Wizard of Oz
00:43:2250 times
00:43:23how could I forget
00:43:25that was pretty
00:43:26pretty miserable
00:43:27wasn't it
00:43:28yeah it was
00:43:29you were off key
00:43:29very
00:43:30very flat
00:43:30it's a bad day
00:43:33bad hair day
00:43:34too
00:43:35damn
00:43:38but I'm on a diet
00:43:39you're 100 pounds
00:43:40overweight
00:43:40a police officer
00:43:41has anybody seen
00:43:42oh
00:43:42hi
00:43:43uh captain
00:43:43I'm going out
00:43:44on a caller
00:43:45it's very high profile
00:43:47I thought you might
00:43:48like to ride shotgun
00:43:49you think it'll be
00:43:49dangerous
00:43:50it very well could be
00:43:51let's go
00:43:52alright
00:43:58Marty
00:44:03see Carrie
00:44:04no
00:44:06alright well
00:44:07if you see her before
00:44:08I let her know
00:44:08we need her in the
00:44:09interrogation room
00:44:10we're not using
00:44:11we're not using the
00:44:11cells in that day
00:44:12anymore
00:44:13okay
00:44:14thanks
00:44:15hey Cliff
00:44:16yes
00:44:17um
00:44:18you ever
00:44:19have two girls
00:44:21come on to you
00:44:21at the same time
00:44:23only my dreams
00:44:24what's up
00:44:25I don't know
00:44:26I don't know how to decide
00:44:28what's to decide
00:44:29well
00:44:30I've never
00:44:31you know
00:44:32I've never
00:44:32been in a situation
00:44:33before
00:44:34well
00:44:35Marty
00:44:35there's worse
00:44:36situations to be in
00:44:37alright
00:44:37trust me
00:44:38I'll tell you what
00:44:39if you get two chicks
00:44:40in the sack
00:44:40alright
00:44:41I'll turn in my
00:44:42batch
00:44:42and it would almost
00:44:44be work
00:44:45shut up
00:44:46alright
00:44:47so if you see Carrie
00:44:47tell her that
00:44:48I will
00:44:48thank you
00:44:50what do you got
00:44:57counterfeiter
00:44:57caught him red-handed
00:45:00good work
00:45:00so what are you doing
00:45:02I've got Carrie
00:45:03in the interrogation room
00:45:04they're doing it
00:45:04doggy
00:45:05here my little dog
00:45:11heel
00:45:13heel
00:45:18ankles
00:45:19ankles
00:45:20ankles
00:45:23that's it
00:45:23lick my latex
00:45:26good
00:45:27that was bullshit
00:45:29an 8 year old
00:45:30what kind of crime
00:45:31we have in this city
00:45:32old maid alert
00:45:36old maid alert
00:45:38oh no
00:45:38come on guys
00:45:39get up
00:45:40get up
00:45:41get up
00:45:42put your clothes on
00:45:43come on
00:45:44old maid alert
00:45:45get to put your clothes on
00:45:46hustle
00:45:47old maid alert
00:45:55what's that supposed to mean
00:45:56oh
00:45:57what
00:45:59would you believe
00:46:00thank you
00:46:01thank you
00:46:02and welcome to
00:46:03would you believe
00:46:04the show that
00:46:05tests
00:46:05wait
00:46:05no no
00:46:06what
00:46:07this is just
00:46:08over the top
00:46:09really
00:46:09yes
00:46:11well if you want to be that
00:46:12well about it
00:46:13here
00:46:17so what really happened
00:46:19well I was interrogating this man
00:46:21and he
00:46:23threw up
00:46:24he threw up
00:46:25threw
00:46:25all the stuff
00:46:26just letting them know
00:46:27that it was all clear
00:46:28meaning that it was all
00:46:29clean
00:46:30clean
00:46:30clear
00:46:31and clear and clean
00:46:32yeah
00:46:32as a whistle
00:46:33where are your cleaning supplies
00:46:34whistling
00:46:35all I need is my trusty rag
00:46:38and trusty rag
00:46:39dependable
00:46:40you can trust it
00:46:41and we never lie to you
00:46:42ever
00:46:43what have we got here
00:46:45um
00:46:45oh
00:46:46I caught him trying to pass
00:46:48counterfeit $100 bills
00:46:51good work
00:46:52but the guy must be color blind
00:46:54what makes you think that
00:46:55because $100 bills
00:46:57aren't red
00:47:01are you sure on that
00:47:04well
00:47:04here you take a couple
00:47:06I'll take a couple
00:47:07does anybody want one
00:47:07I'll take one
00:47:10have a nice day
00:47:11Merry Christmas
00:47:11Twinkie
00:47:12I'll take
00:47:12sure
00:47:12thanks
00:47:14thanks
00:47:25what a day
00:47:26yeah
00:47:27seven jaywalkers
00:47:28two double parkers
00:47:29on the litter bike
00:47:30god
00:47:32sometimes you really
00:47:33gotta earn your paycheck
00:47:34around here
00:47:38leaving
00:47:39I'm taking the books
00:47:40home with me
00:47:41think anything
00:47:42will happen tonight
00:47:43oh no
00:47:44no
00:47:45nights around here
00:47:46are slower than the days
00:47:49I'm only a phone call away
00:47:52alright
00:47:52goodnight
00:47:53goodnight
00:47:55one
00:47:56one thousand
00:47:57two
00:47:57one thousand
00:47:58three
00:47:58one thousand
00:47:59let's party
00:48:01yeah
00:48:03yeah
00:48:06yeah
00:48:10yeah
00:48:11yeah
00:48:12Go out.
00:48:12Woo, woo, woo.
00:48:15Woo, woo, woo.
00:48:17Woo!
00:48:20Woo!
00:48:21The chance comes all over you.
00:48:25Come on.
00:48:29Come on.
00:48:30Woo!
00:48:30Come on.
00:48:31Oh, hey.
00:48:33Woo!
00:48:37Woo!
00:48:37Woo!
00:48:39Woo!
00:49:03Good morning, everyone.
00:49:05Good morning, Captain.
00:49:06Good morning, Captain.
00:49:08Clifford, did you take roll call?
00:49:10All here.
00:49:11Good.
00:49:13Last night, I went over the books, and I was very surprised.
00:49:16I'd never seen a police department in such great financial shape.
00:49:22Oh, very nice.
00:49:23Good.
00:49:24Money, I like that.
00:49:26This building has been paid off, and I see you put a down payment on a new building for
00:49:30the police station.
00:49:31Your community has bought you new walkie-talkies, new uniforms, new weights, and a cappuccino
00:49:38machine.
00:49:38You're here.
00:49:39Yeah.
00:49:40Yes!
00:49:40It makes me proud.
00:49:42I...
00:49:43They just give and give.
00:49:46However, I have noticed some unorthodox procedures around here.
00:49:50So you best watch your P's and Q's.
00:49:53We're going by the book.
00:49:56All right.
00:50:06At ease.
00:50:10Understood?
00:50:12Understood.
00:50:18Now, I have a little surprise for you.
00:50:21Since there's such an excess of cash in the slush fund, I'm going to be sprucing up the
00:50:26place.
00:50:26Just, you know, putting in some green plants, maybe a painting or two.
00:50:34Anything else?
00:50:36Yes.
00:50:36We have a new drawing of the suspect, Peeping Tom.
00:50:41It passes around, everybody.
00:50:43Get a good look at it.
00:50:45Ooh, yeah.
00:50:46Ooh.
00:50:48Ooh.
00:50:49Ooh.
00:50:49Ooh.
00:50:50All right.
00:50:51Yeah.
00:50:52Oh, I like this guy.
00:50:56Hey, that looks like my ex-boyfriend.
00:50:58Let me see that again.
00:51:01I bet you I can find this guy in two hours.
00:51:03I can find him in one hour.
00:51:04Okay, get out there and be safe.
00:51:19Oh, I'm sorry.
00:51:20I didn't know anybody was here.
00:51:22What are you sorry about?
00:51:26I, um, I, um, I, um, I, um, I.
00:51:35Could you come stand here for a second?
00:51:40Well, yeah, sure.
00:51:49No, stand here.
00:51:52There?
00:51:54All right.
00:51:59Now you try to push my legs out, and I'll try to push him back in.
00:52:05Okay.
00:52:10Gotcha.
00:52:12You know, all my life I've never even had a beautiful one look at me.
00:52:16I mean, much less to come on to me.
00:52:20And out of the blue today, it's happened twice.
00:52:23Twice?
00:52:23What's going on here?
00:52:26Hey.
00:52:27Uh, I was just exercising my thighs.
00:52:33Bitch.
00:52:47Where's that janitor?
00:52:49My blinds haven't been dusted this decade.
00:52:51Works are mostly knights.
00:52:53Fine.
00:52:53I'll leave her a note.
00:52:58La!
00:53:01La!
00:53:02Tell me when the mayor's wife comes in.
00:53:03She's taking me to lunch.
00:53:04She's already here.
00:53:06She is?
00:53:07She's downstairs with the women's auxiliary.
00:53:10Oh, good.
00:53:12I think I'll go join her.
00:53:19Now hold it in your hand.
00:53:21Firmly, but gently.
00:53:23Then up and down.
00:53:25Up and down.
00:53:28Okay, put him away till later.
00:53:31Knowing the correct way to use a condom
00:53:34could mean the difference between life and death.
00:53:37Hello.
00:53:40You must be Captain Mary May.
00:53:43Ladies.
00:53:44Yeah.
00:53:45Captain Mary May.
00:53:46Our new...
00:53:47Captain of what?
00:53:48Captain.
00:53:51Bravo.
00:53:55Aren't you the janitor?
00:53:57Janitor and also sex educator.
00:54:01Clean is as clean does.
00:54:03Clean this.
00:54:10Hey, what are you doing here?
00:54:12Eh, couldn't sleep.
00:54:14I was up all night trying to catch that damn peeping top.
00:54:23Hey, Hamilton.
00:54:25What do you got there?
00:54:26Yeah, what do you got over here?
00:54:27Loiterers.
00:54:28Got a complaint from cutting.
00:54:29I'm so impressed with the role
00:54:31that this police department plays in the community.
00:54:34Oh, yes.
00:54:34Our officers really give their passes.
00:54:36Mister, you got a name?
00:54:41Don't give me any of your lip.
00:54:43All right, listen up.
00:54:45I want you to take his cuffs off.
00:54:47I'm going to watch him.
00:54:48He looks like a creep.
00:54:51Get some fingerprints.
00:54:53You know, that was really good the way you handled him.
00:54:57Well, you know, I was trying to be...
00:54:58I didn't want to be over the top.
00:54:59No, that was good, because some people...
00:55:03He's got to go!
00:55:07He's got to go!
00:55:09That's enough screaming!
00:55:13Now!
00:55:14You!
00:55:15What'd you have to go do and get my gun?
00:55:17We were just going to give you a hot meal.
00:55:19We weren't going to do anything.
00:55:20All right.
00:55:22All right.
00:55:23Mister, listen to me.
00:55:26There's nothing to worry about.
00:55:28It's okay.
00:55:29I know you're scared.
00:55:30Hey!
00:55:31Watch me.
00:55:32I'm the guy to talk to.
00:55:34I'm not touching my gun.
00:55:35You see me?
00:55:36My hand is not on my gun.
00:55:39No.
00:55:40No.
00:55:42Now.
00:55:43Stay focused.
00:55:45It's going to be okay.
00:55:46You can do this.
00:55:48We're all friends here.
00:55:49We're all friends.
00:55:51Drop the gun.
00:55:53Come on.
00:55:53Give me the gun.
00:55:54You can do it.
00:55:55Give me the gun.
00:55:57Look, it's your fault!
00:55:58Yeah!
00:56:00Yeah!
00:56:01Yeah!
00:56:03Yeah!
00:56:03Yeah!
00:56:04Yeah!
00:56:05Yeah!
00:56:06Yeah!
00:56:07Yeah!
00:56:08Yeah!
00:56:09Oh!
00:56:11Thank you!
00:56:13Thank you!
00:56:14Thank you!
00:56:14Thank you!
00:56:15There's nothing to see here.
00:56:18Where?
00:56:19Now.
00:56:19Come on.
00:56:20Come on.
00:56:20All right, mister.
00:56:22We've got a place for people like you.
00:56:24Here.
00:56:25It's called a big gray cell.
00:56:29Take him away!
00:56:30I'm sorry.
00:56:31It's all right.
00:56:33Come on!
00:56:41Good work, officer Carol.
00:56:43Thank you very much.
00:56:44Just doing my job.
00:56:45Well, I'm impressed.
00:56:47Our hero!
00:56:49Oh.
00:56:51No need to thank me.
00:56:53No need to thank me.
00:56:57Well, why don't you take the mayor's wife out for a little lunch.
00:57:00Come on.
00:57:00You deserve it.
00:57:01Come on.
00:57:02Get out of here.
00:57:03Shall we?
00:57:03You guys have done a great job.
00:57:05Thanks for watching.
00:57:06You can sleep safe in Amity.
00:57:09Love those guys.
00:57:15What a nice group of women.
00:57:17That small town morality.
00:57:19You just can't find that these days.
00:57:22Back so soon?
00:57:24Are you ever off duty?
00:57:26As a matter of fact, I am.
00:57:28But not right now.
00:57:31I had three more complaints about that peeping Tom last night.
00:57:40Yes.
00:57:41But good news.
00:57:43Got a little further on that sketch.
00:57:45Take a look.
00:57:47Wow.
00:57:48Wow.
00:57:49See?
00:57:49Big differences now, huh?
00:57:50A lot easier to find.
00:57:52Well, that'll certainly help.
00:57:54Yep.
00:57:54I know.
00:57:55Never knew I had such a flair for art.
00:58:01Captain!
00:58:02Shh.
00:58:03Oh.
00:58:04Captain, what are you doing here?
00:58:06Captain.
00:58:18Clouds, what are you doing here?
00:58:19What's with the donut outfit?
00:58:21Camouflage.
00:58:23I'm in eclair.
00:58:24Listen.
00:58:25I came here to warn you about that Mary Mae.
00:58:27She's the best they've got.
00:58:29I-N-S.
00:58:31Immigration?
00:58:31I mean, uh, IBM.
00:58:34Oh, computers?
00:58:35I mean, IFS.
00:58:39Banking?
00:58:40You know, internal affairs!
00:58:42Oh, right.
00:58:43Listen.
00:58:43Tell me that you've closed down the whole operation and put away the contraband.
00:58:46Well, I would love to tell you that, but that's a lie.
00:58:49She's not that hot.
00:58:50Not at all.
00:58:51No, we've got to cover it.
00:58:51We have a plan.
00:58:52She can't even go to the bathroom without everyone knowing exactly where she is.
00:58:56That's right.
00:58:57What?
00:58:57People?
00:58:58No.
00:59:00Hold me to the lunchroom.
00:59:01Hold me to the lunchroom.
00:59:04Pretty nifty, huh?
00:59:07Quick!
00:59:07Hide!
00:59:07Oh, quick!
00:59:08Hide!
00:59:09Hide!
00:59:12Gentlemen?
00:59:13Uh, we were just leaving.
00:59:14Leaving!
00:59:15No!
00:59:15Go ahead.
00:59:15I was just looking for the two of you.
00:59:18I think...
00:59:18Here we are.
00:59:19Right here.
00:59:20Okay.
00:59:20I think they've made a terrible mistake about this department.
00:59:24There's nothing fishy going on here.
00:59:26Nothing at all.
00:59:26No.
00:59:27Not at all.
00:59:28By the book.
00:59:29That's our motto.
00:59:29Yeah.
00:59:30That's all right.
00:59:31It's fine.
00:59:32Great.
00:59:33Wonderful.
00:59:34We were just trying to be good cops.
00:59:36The best.
00:59:37You are both fine police officers.
00:59:40Thank you so much.
00:59:41Exemplary.
00:59:42Wow.
00:59:42Thanks.
00:59:43You know, you gotta just stop.
00:59:46In fact, I want to do something special for you.
00:59:51I don't know what yet.
00:59:55I just want you to know, I'm planning something.
01:00:00Great.
01:00:00Wonderful.
01:00:01Thank you so much.
01:00:02You're a real sweet heart, real pal.
01:00:04Hamilton, get back to work.
01:00:07David, go home.
01:00:09Get some sleep.
01:00:10Some Z's.
01:00:12That's an order.
01:00:13Night.
01:00:13Right away.
01:00:15That was close.
01:00:17I'm telling her she knows something.
01:00:18She can't.
01:00:19It's not possible.
01:00:21Listen, you've got to close down the operation.
01:00:23Well, we can't do that.
01:00:25We're less than a week away from the squad car.
01:00:27Who'd let the girls down terribly?
01:00:28It's too dangerous.
01:00:30Yeah.
01:00:31Well, I think she's an M&M.
01:00:33Huh?
01:00:33You know, hard on the outside.
01:00:36Soft and squishy on the inside.
01:00:39You're playing with fire.
01:00:42No, I'm not.
01:00:45Besides, think of it this way.
01:00:46I don't think this has anything to do with the investigation on the department.
01:00:50I think it has to do with that little affair you had with Mrs. Davies.
01:00:55Well, you think it's personal?
01:00:59It sure explained things.
01:01:06I was going to work out before my shower.
01:01:09Would you like to join me?
01:01:11Well, you know, I...
01:01:11I think you should work out with me.
01:01:13We can work on my pecs.
01:01:15Um, well, you know, I just thought I was going to take a nap.
01:01:17I'm kind of tired.
01:01:19Is that an invitation?
01:01:20Well, you know, I'm...
01:01:22What the hell do you think you're doing?
01:01:26Why don't you go home and take a cold shower?
01:01:28It's easy to see which one of us he prefers.
01:01:31You know, tell the truth, I'm not...
01:01:32You know, you...
01:01:34You better get out of here before I knock your lights out.
01:01:38No, ladies, please.
01:01:39I'd like to see you try.
01:01:40Ladies, ladies, please.
01:01:43I'm...
01:01:44Oh.
01:01:45Come on!
01:01:46No, no!
01:01:47No, no!
01:01:47No, no!
01:01:48No, no!
01:01:48No, no!
01:01:49Touch me there!
01:01:50Touch me there!
01:01:51Oh, yeah, more!
01:01:52You guys are best friends.
01:01:53Let's not forget that.
01:01:54Not anymore!
01:01:55I did not...
01:01:56Hey!
01:01:56You bitch!
01:01:57You slut!
01:01:58Stop it!
01:01:59I did not...
01:01:59Bitch!
01:02:00Hey!
01:02:00Hey!
01:02:01Hey!
01:02:01What are you doing with your hands?
01:02:04What does it matter?
01:02:06There's no place where hands haven't been put.
01:02:08Okay.
01:02:09No, no, no, no.
01:02:10Hey!
01:02:11No!
01:02:11Knock it off!
01:02:12We can't have brawling in the police station.
01:02:14Not with the new captain.
01:02:15Never.
01:02:16You guys want to fight?
01:02:17You do it in the ring!
01:02:19Let's go.
01:02:20I will see you tomorrow.
01:02:22You'll be eating out of a straw.
01:02:23We'll see about that!
01:02:26I'm...
01:02:27You know...
01:02:27This has never happened to me.
01:02:29This is your fault, man.
01:02:30No!
01:02:31I did nothing!
01:02:31You're dust.
01:02:32What kind of...
01:02:32What?
01:02:33I...
01:02:34Brute?
01:02:35I gotta get some.
01:02:36By Fabergé?
01:02:37Yeah!
01:02:40Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on, welcome on, to the greatest fight you've ever seen.
01:02:51We have three rounds of championship boxing.
01:02:57Now, weighing in at 120 pounds, the former Miss America runner-up in the anger event, the champ, Miss Casey
01:03:11Williams!
01:03:22And in the other corner, which would be over here, the very talented and lovely lady, who is also happened
01:03:31to be Miss America, third runner-up, ladies and gentlemen, weighing in at...
01:03:39Twelve!
01:03:40Ah, I see.
01:03:42Weigh in at 112 pounds, former Miss America runner-up, second runner-up, Miss Lacey Andrews!
01:03:55You're fucking dead!
01:03:57You're fucking dead!
01:03:58All right, all right, all right!
01:03:59And four!
01:04:00And four!
01:04:00All right, everybody back to your corner, back to your corner!
01:04:03All right.
01:04:04I'm just sorry, I can't wear the network.
01:04:07All right, let's come in, ladies, let's come in.
01:04:08You need to roll, thank you.
01:04:12Alright.
01:04:15Now, I want a good clean fight here, kids.
01:04:18I don't want to see any raw punches to the head, like that.
01:04:23Or any jabs to the jump, like that.
01:04:27Alright.
01:04:28Now let's have it fun, kids. Let's have a good clean fight.
01:04:34Dude, meat.
01:04:36Go for it.
01:04:38Great! Great! Great! Let's start the fight!
01:04:47We get it!
01:04:50Alright, okay.
01:04:56Oh, very scary. Very scary.
01:05:01Alright, okay.
01:05:29I can't see nothing out of my eye. You're gonna have to cut me, Lisa.
01:05:34You look ahead, kid. I think we should stop the fight.
01:05:36No! Cut the goddamn eye!
01:05:39But watch the eyebrow. I just waxed it.
01:05:41No, no. It's not working.
01:05:43Cut the eye!
01:05:49Alright!
01:05:50Alright, go ahead!
01:05:51Come on now!
01:05:52No, no, no!
01:05:53Oh! Now we're scared!
01:05:54Get out of my way!
01:05:56Alright, come on.
01:05:58Alright, go ahead!
01:06:04Come on!
01:06:08Come on! Come on!
01:06:30Come on!
01:06:31Come on!
01:06:32Ah!
01:06:35Oh!
01:06:38Oh!
01:06:40Oh!
01:06:41Oh!
01:06:43Oh!
01:06:44Oh!
01:06:45Oh!
01:06:48Oh!
01:06:52Oh!
01:07:07Okay!
01:07:08Good fight! Good fight!
01:07:09And the winner!
01:07:11By a knockout!
01:07:15Casey Boyer!
01:07:19Marty!
01:07:22Marty!
01:07:24Marty!
01:07:29Hey!
01:07:31You guys yourselves again?
01:07:33Yeah.
01:07:35Cute!
01:07:37Have you seen Marty?
01:07:39We kind of want to apologize for all we put him through in the last few days.
01:07:43Yeah, I understand. You guys have been big troublemakers.
01:07:47I'm sorry.
01:07:48Oh, don't sorry to me. I don't care.
01:07:51I'm not the one who was standing there watching you guys fight it out.
01:07:54Anyway, yeah, I'll let him know you're looking for him.
01:07:57Oh, no need. We have a surprise for him.
01:08:01Oh, really?
01:08:02Oh, wait. In that case.
01:08:04Third cell on the left.
01:08:06Okay, thank you.
01:08:07All right.
01:08:08Shh!
01:08:09Be very quiet.
01:08:33We're gonna make a real cop out of you.
01:08:35Who told you it was my birthday?
01:08:37Hey!
01:08:38I'm just tired of that.
01:08:40I really like that.
01:08:40I really like that.
01:08:55I really like that.
01:09:00Ooh!
01:09:01Mm-hmm.
01:09:05Oh, you done.
01:09:11Oh, I'll do it for you.
01:09:14Oh, you did it for me?
01:09:18Oh, I wish you did it.
01:09:20Oh, Oh!
01:09:22Uh-oh.
01:09:25Uh-oh!
01:09:27Oh, oh.
01:09:29defiy off.
01:09:30Uh-oh.
01:09:30I'm...
01:09:31Ready?
01:09:31Oh, no.
01:10:00Hey, what are you going to do?
01:10:08Good morning, all.
01:10:09Good morning, Captain.
01:10:12As I told you originally, I was brought in here to turn this department around.
01:10:16And as I told you more recently, I didn't think there was a need to.
01:10:21Yeah, you know what?
01:10:23She's a good lady.
01:10:24The reason there is no need to is because this entire department is about to be dissolved.
01:10:33And each and every one of you is going to be dismissed.
01:10:43Wait a second.
01:10:44What are you talking about?
01:10:45We didn't do anything wrong.
01:10:47I think turning a police station into a house of ill repute is despicable.
01:10:53Ill puke what?
01:10:55Ill repute.
01:10:57Ill repute.
01:10:58Ill repute.
01:10:59Captain, what are you talking about?
01:11:00I didn't want to believe it.
01:11:01I wanted to believe that you were good cops.
01:11:05That you care about your community.
01:11:08We care.
01:11:09We care.
01:11:10We care.
01:11:11I care.
01:11:12I care.
01:11:13This tape has a prostitute playing bucking bronco with a john in this police station's investigation room.
01:11:30I can't believe it.
01:11:31She hid the goddamn cameras in the plants.
01:11:33This one has a prominent businessman making a sizable donation to this department after an hour in a cell screaming,
01:11:43oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
01:11:52And this one has three police officers, two female and one male, in one of our holding cells having intimate
01:12:04knowledge of each other.
01:12:06Could I get a copy of that?
01:12:11And I know you are behind all this sin and decadence, that you are the kingpin of this operation.
01:12:18And I will see that you are treated accordingly.
01:12:22Now, go clear out your desk and lockers.
01:12:26The mayor will be here soon to serve you your papers.
01:12:29I think I can keep my gun.
01:12:32Hold on a second.
01:12:34I have something I want to say to all of you.
01:12:37As far as I'm concerned, you're all great cops.
01:12:43Regardless of what the department has to say.
01:12:47And I just want to tell you, I've been doing this for many, many years.
01:12:52Every time I try to get out, they suck me right back in.
01:12:59All right, get in here.
01:13:06I tell my mom.
01:13:17I bet you really enjoyed that, didn't you?
01:13:19Just doing my job.
01:13:20You mean, yeah.
01:13:21Well, I got news for you.
01:13:23We didn't do anything wrong, and you know it.
01:13:25You broke the law.
01:13:26Oh, broke the law.
01:13:28Yeah, great.
01:13:29Come on.
01:13:29Man, prostitution is the oldest profession on this planet.
01:13:35Besides the fact that it's a victimless crime.
01:13:37But it's still a crime in this city.
01:13:40Yeah, it is.
01:13:42But I want you to think about something for a minute.
01:13:45The fact that we are helping these ladies.
01:13:48They are hookers, yes, granted.
01:13:50However, they're going to be hookers either way you look at it.
01:13:53So, we help them out.
01:13:56We give them a head start.
01:13:57We get them off the streets and doing something that they never thought they could do.
01:14:01Carrie is going back to school to become a lawyer.
01:14:04Bambi, she's going to become a crossing guard.
01:14:06I mean, they're doing things with their lives for a change.
01:14:09But it's still against the law.
01:14:11Okay, I'll give you that.
01:14:13It's against the law.
01:14:14But we all break the law.
01:14:16I mean, come on.
01:14:17You know, we speed.
01:14:18We cut those little tags off our pillows that we're not supposed to.
01:14:21I still have the tags on my pillows.
01:14:23You would.
01:14:25You know what it is.
01:14:27Let's have this.
01:14:28You need something that you haven't had in a really, really long time.
01:14:34You see, the truth of the matter is, what you need is something that is not only physical, but is
01:14:45emotional.
01:14:46You need to learn how to feel.
01:14:59You know, they really do know how to hurt a guy.
01:15:08But I'm a cop.
01:15:11I'm always a cop first.
01:15:14Well, so am I.
01:15:16So much so.
01:15:19But I don't go anywhere without my badge.
01:15:30You think you're so hot that you're the only one devoted to your job?
01:15:37Well, you are not the only one.
01:15:42My God!
01:15:43My God!
01:16:33Poor guy.
01:16:34He must still be down there with the old maid.
01:16:42He must really be cutting his balls off.
01:16:46The poor bastard!
01:16:49Oh!
01:16:52Oh!
01:16:57Oh!
01:16:57Oh!
01:16:59Oh!
01:17:01Oh!
01:17:02Oh!
01:17:03Oh!
01:17:03Oh!
01:17:04Oh!
01:17:05Oh!
01:17:09The mayor's here!
01:17:10The mayor's here!
01:17:11The mayor's here!
01:17:13Oh, yeah!
01:17:14Oh, no!
01:17:15The mayor's here!
01:17:17Shit!
01:17:18Get off!
01:17:19Quick!
01:17:21Darling, I really think you're doing the wrong thing here.
01:17:24The people of this town want their police force to be as moral and ethical as they are!
01:17:29We will not be protected from the filth by filth!
01:17:33Where's Captain Mary May?
01:17:35I don't know!
01:17:36Oh, she must still be in the lunchroom!
01:17:39Where's my dress?
01:17:41Where's my skirt?
01:17:42Give me your pants!
01:17:45Gotcha!
01:17:47Got you all!
01:17:50What you all have done to this department is beyond reprehensible.
01:17:57It's a disgrace to our community, our culture, and to the fine people who pay your salaries.
01:18:07Oh, I will take great pleasure in seeing that you're replaced by officers of high moral integrity,
01:18:16and that you're all properly punished!
01:18:19Save it for the podium!
01:18:21Save it for the podium!
01:18:21You lost our vote!
01:18:22Yeah!
01:18:24Yeah!
01:18:24Prisoners are not allowed to vote!
01:18:29Captain May!
01:18:30I can explain.
01:18:32Uh, the news team will be here any minute to put all of this, this whole thing on the six
01:18:38o'clock news.
01:18:40And you, head of vice, clean out your desk!
01:18:46You know, Mayor, I think we can work this out.
01:18:49These men and women have learned the error of their ways, and I think we should give them another chance.
01:18:55Oh, really?
01:18:56Well, that's not what you were saying when we were viewing the tapes!
01:18:58Well, see, things have changed.
01:19:00Officer Carroll has presented a very hard argument, and I really think that you should hear...
01:19:05Oh, God Almighty! It's like an epidemic around here!
01:19:10You take those off!
01:19:13I mean, well...
01:19:17Change! Change!
01:19:20I have changed.
01:19:22I don't see how!
01:19:25You guys stop leering at my wife!
01:19:27I will sue you all!
01:19:31You leches!
01:19:32I didn't know about the cameras, or I would have told you.
01:19:35I feel awful.
01:19:37Yeah, me too.
01:19:40You know, it's not even the fact that I got fired that I'm upset about.
01:19:47It's not even the fact that we have to go take this entire department in front of a jury
01:19:52and talk about all our dirty laundry.
01:19:54That's not even what it is.
01:19:55You know what it is?
01:19:56What?
01:19:56The fact that we're never going to catch that peeping Tom.
01:20:03We were so close.
01:20:05We were this close, you know?
01:20:07It just drives me crazy.
01:20:10I feel like...
01:20:12There's just one more thing.
01:20:14Just one more thing.
01:20:16Wait a minute.
01:20:19Wait a minute.
01:20:21Wait a minute.
01:20:22Hmm.
01:20:31Good God!
01:20:33Great Scotch!
01:20:35By George.
01:20:38Look.
01:20:58Keep packing.
01:20:59I want you out of here in an hour.
01:21:03I want you out of here in an hour.
01:21:05What?
01:21:06What?
01:21:07What?
01:21:08What?
01:21:09What?
01:21:09What?
01:21:10What?
01:21:23Well, Mr. Mayor, sir.
01:21:28Look familiar.
01:21:30Yeah.
01:21:31I bet it does.
01:21:32Because this is a face that you see every morning when you look in the mirror.
01:21:36There must be some mistake.
01:21:37Oh, yeah.
01:21:38You know what the mistake is?
01:21:40You!
01:21:41You!
01:21:42Maybe we could work something out.
01:21:44Oh, yeah.
01:21:46I've got a bone to pick with you.
01:21:48Nice legs.
01:21:52Don't try to butter me up by being nice.
01:21:56Okay?
01:21:57Okay.
01:21:58All righty then.
01:22:00Take him where the sun don't shine.
01:22:02Third cell on the left.
01:22:04Bye-bye.
01:22:05Bye-bye.
01:22:05Call my attorney.
01:22:06You are under arrest.
01:22:07See ya.
01:22:08No, no, no.
01:22:08You are under arrest.
01:22:09Got it good.
01:22:10You have color.
01:22:11Call my attorney.
01:22:12There is nothing wrong.
01:22:35Everybody, I'd like to officially welcome Lieutenant Mary May.
01:22:39Very nice.
01:22:42Very nice.
01:22:43May I, Mary?
01:22:44She's going to be leaving internal affairs and joining us as our new head of vice.
01:22:47Whoa.
01:22:48All right.
01:22:49Hey, where the hell's Clifford anyway?
01:22:50Well, it seems the boy had to turn in his badge.
01:23:00Well, as of today, Officer Carroll will be my new right-hand man.
01:23:05Oh, yes!
01:23:07And Officer Hamilton will be my new left-hand man.
01:23:10Okay.
01:23:11Okay.
01:23:19Well, anyway, just remember what I've always said.
01:23:28Oh, yeah, a good, uh, good, uh, there's nothing like a good right-hand man job.
01:23:37No, it was a man-man job.
01:23:39You said it was a hand job.
01:23:40Right.
01:23:40I mean, a right-hand man with a job for a right-hand man.
01:23:42I'm going to get the job for a right-hand man.
01:23:44Right-hand.
01:23:45I'm going to get a hand.
01:23:46I keep working.
01:23:47I keep working.
01:23:48It's time for lunch.
01:23:49Come on for lunch.
01:23:50Corey, end this thing.
01:23:52Bye-bye.
01:23:54Good job, Mike.
01:24:14We put together a sweet situation from a plan born in my brain.
01:24:22We finally bagged the taste of a good life.
01:24:26Took a ride on a gravy train.
01:24:30Then it all came crashing down.
01:24:34Tell me where it went wrong.
01:24:41But now we're busted, busted.
01:24:47We thought we had it under the door.
01:24:50But now we're busted, busted.
01:24:54Ain't no way to hide.
01:25:18Woah-oh, woah-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
01:25:25Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
01:25:29Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
01:25:34We're BOSSING!!