00:05I breastfed him until he was four.
00:07Your mama's beautiful, perfect little angel.
00:11Yes.
00:13Which one is yours?
00:14Oh, mine's on the left.
00:16No, which child is yours?
00:19Oh, no. I'm friends with Sophie's mom.
00:21I don't have kids.
00:22Oh, good for you.
00:27Do you have poo poo? Do you have poo poo in your diaper?
00:29Let me see.
00:31It's disgusting.
00:32Cheers.
00:34Mommy!
00:35No, no, no, no, no. What are you doing?
00:37You're not done yet.
00:38You need to go back and do the party.
00:40Cookie.
00:41No, I don't want a cookie. Go paint a plate. Mingle.
00:44She's so cute. She's yours?
00:46No. She's my sugar baby.
00:48Are you feeling social and familial pressure to procreate?
00:52Sugar Babies is the premier baby escort agency, providing childless 30-somethings like you with your very own baby.
00:59So you'll never have to explain yourself again.
01:02Our Sugar Babies app lets you find the perfect baby escort to match your appearance, mood, activity level, and social
01:09event.
01:09With your sugar baby by your side, you could tell your annoyingly younger neighbors to shut the fuck up without
01:16looking uncool.
01:17If Zoe here didn't have the measles and eat her sleep in order to survive the night, I'd be partying
01:21here with you.
01:22I'm so sorry. Cut the music!
01:25Is she gonna, like, die?
01:27Stop your mother-in-law from asking you invasive and inappropriate questions about your menstrual cycle.
01:33So when I was in the bathroom, I noticed that you didn't have any sanitary napkins.
01:37Does that mean what I think it means?
01:39Actually, uh, I had Ezra here nine months ago, but you've been too concerned with my ovulation to notice.
01:46Use your sugar baby as a fast pass when flying and skip the long lines.
01:50Priority boarding, bitches!
01:52Can we have four vodka sodas, please?
01:55Can you help me put this thing in the overhead?
01:57I'm sorry, but that is a lap child.
01:58Party!
01:59Sit down or I'm gonna kick you off this plane.
02:01He's so heavy!
02:03Make sure you are first to be rescued in an emergency.
02:06Line up in order of importance. Women with children first!
02:10Ah! That'd be me!
02:13Where's the boat?
02:17Oh, God.
02:19Did you have a blowout?
02:21Other perks of Sugar Baby's escorts include...
02:23Oh, my God!
02:25Get praise for your amazingly fit post-baby body.
02:29You look amazing!
02:32But I still have so much more work to do.
02:33Discourage the unwanted attention of noncommittal man boys.
02:38Hey.
02:39I have a baby.
02:41Ah!
02:42Have the freedom to go topless in the name of feminist motherhood.
02:46What?
02:47I'm nursing!
02:48And Sugar Baby's escorts accept many different forms of payment.
02:52Here you go, kiddo. Thanks.
02:55Come, friends, to the castle!
02:57I need the castle!
02:59So which one is yours?
03:01Oh.
03:02Sorry.
03:03I have one.
03:04There he is!
03:06Sugar Baby's escorts.
03:08All the social acceptance perks of having a child.
03:11Where are you taking my daughter?
03:13Oh.
03:14Sorry.
03:14They all look alike.
03:16Where's mine at?
03:17Kid!
03:18Without the hassle of motherhood.
