00:06All right, Chompski, we get it.
00:07There's only so many times I can read the phrase propaganda model.
00:13Ugh.
00:14What?
00:15My mom wants to have a gluten-free Thanksgiving.
00:17Ew.
00:18Gluten-free is the purgatory of foods.
00:20It tastes like how a waiting room feels.
00:22That's disgusting, but I can't really feel too bad for you right now,
00:25because BuzzFeed just put out a list of the top 400 black female comedians,
00:31and I'm not on it.
00:32Oh, I didn't know there were 400 black female comedians.
00:35I didn't either.
00:36Ugh, God, I can't even right now. I need to eat my feelings.
00:39No, I hear you.
00:40At this point, my therapist is basically the Pillsbury Doughboy.
00:43Ha-ha! You're a narcissist.
00:45Girl, eating a brownie sundae is my 72-hour hold.
00:48Girl, I haven't cried in 25 years.
00:52Jesus. Andy, it's not a competition.
00:54If it was a competition, I think I lost.
00:57We just need to find some food.
01:03How's this even possible?
01:04Oh! I hit one of those Lil Pico mini apple crisps behind that tiny Torah I got from my bar
01:09mitzvah.
01:10Oh, sorry, babe. I ate that.
01:11I read this listicle about global warming.
01:14But, oh my God, I got some kettle chips in my underwear drawer, so I could just...
01:17No, no, no, no.
01:17I found those and ate them last week when I was on the phone with my dad,
01:20and he was just like,
01:21Hey, why aren't your jokes more like Howard Stern's?
01:23Then he screamed Baba Booey and hung up on me.
01:27I forgot.
01:30So like three days ago, I bought two slices of cake,
01:33I ate one on the way home, and then I kept the second one for myself.
01:37First of all, I respect that, but it's been in your purse for three days.
01:41Yeah, but it's sealed.
01:42I don't think that makes a difference.
01:44So no?
01:47This is worse than Sophie's choice.
01:50Call me Tom Cruise, but that's risky business to eat something that's been in your purse for three days.
01:55Now, the pro is that for a brief, shining, almost religious moment, we won't feel the crippling anxiety of existence.
02:02Yeah, okay, Con, if that buttercream has gone bad, we will be fighting over the toilet.
02:07Right, and as the stronger of the two of us, that's a battle you'll win.
02:12And that leaves me pooping in a trash can.
02:14Ew!
02:15I cannot see you squatting over a trash can.
02:18No, that would be the end of the relationship.
02:20Which would then lead to more emotional eating, which we can't even do right now.
02:24So what, we're back to square one? A square line with poop-filled trash cans?
02:29Poison Control, what's your emergency?
02:31Hi, yes, this is an emergency?
02:33Of sorts.
02:33Yeah, but not like a kid-drinking bleach kind of an emergency.
02:36It's an emotional emergency.
02:38Yeah, yeah, it's like our emotions drank the bleach.
02:41Okay, the point is, do you think there's any danger in eating buttercream icing that has been unrefrigerated for three
02:46days?
02:46What? Look, get off the line.
02:47This is for actual emergencies, not for whatever y'all got going on.
02:50Oh, I see. You've never known Struggle.
02:52I don't know. Struggle? Are you kidding me?
02:55I watched the Friday Night Lights finale and I cried.
02:57I feel, I feel a lot, actually. So is that a yes?
03:01I hope you choke on that buttercream.
03:03Naomi?
03:04Hi, Diane. Yeah, I know we don't have a session till Friday.
03:07Yeah, sorry.
03:08And I know it's the middle of the night.
03:10But we have a problem.
03:11What's going on? Are you guys breaking up?
03:14Let's talk it through before you do anything drastic.
03:17Oh, no, no, no, no, nothing like that.
03:20We're just both really upset.
03:21And I found some cake in my purse that had been in there about three days.
03:27And so I'm just trying to figure out whether or not...
03:30Shit, I need a new job.
03:33Yeah, that's our fault.
03:37It's like we're cursed by God or something.
03:40Oh, what the fuck?
03:43I left the buttercream. I'm sorry.
03:47I hope you enjoy your diarrhea.
03:49I'm gonna get ready for bed.
03:53Right. I'm mentally ill.
03:57See you later, sadness.
03:59If you want to fill an emptiness inside, check out some more Riot videos.
04:03Subscribe, baby!
04:05They're all funny.
