00:00You're so much smarter than me when it comes to relationships.
00:04I'm a talker, clearly, and talking to these couples about their relationships has given me such incredible insight.
00:11But I still had questions, so I decided to dig a little bit deeper and talk to an expert without
00:17her significant other around.
00:19This is How to Love.
00:21I'm here with Hailey McMillan, relationship and dating expert here at Refinery29.
00:26Great to be here. Thanks for having me.
00:28Okay, you've got to help me.
00:29Let's talk about it.
00:31People always talk about being single in New York as being the worst thing imaginable, and really just being single
00:37in general.
00:37I feel like all of my single friends are like, oh, I really want to be in a relationship.
00:40But I'm now wondering, is it normal to be dating and be in a relationship and miss being single?
00:49I can tell you from personal experience, not just as a sex expert.
00:54Yes, absolutely. It doesn't mean that you're not happy in your relationship.
00:58It means that you're human and you enjoy variety.
01:01One of the things to consider is that we always think about our own situations by comparing them with others.
01:07We don't evaluate our happiness in a vacuum.
01:11And so if we're in a group of friends here in New York and they're enjoying being single and they're
01:15exploring themselves,
01:16they're learning about themselves, we're apt to feel better about our own single status.
01:21Why do you think that so many people now are hesitant to commit to someone?
01:25They're apts now, and we have a visual representation of how much else is out there.
01:31But the problem is that we are skipping over prospects who might actually really work for us.
01:37Is being single really all that bad?
01:40It's only bad if you don't want to be it, right?
01:43Singlehood is awesome.
01:44It's such a great time to figure out what you like and to not be accountable in a certain way
01:50to another person,
01:51to explore sexually, but so are relationships.
01:54Relationships are also great.
01:56And if you have singlehood but you want a relationship, that's tricky.
02:01That's hard.
02:02It's lonely, and it seems like it's going to last forever.
02:05How do you know that someone is the one?
02:06It's about making sure that the other person affirms who you want to be.
02:13There's something called the Michelangelo effect,
02:15which is you want to be with someone who helps you be the best version of yourself.
02:20So you're not just thinking about you're happy right now.
02:23You're thinking about where do I want to be in five years,
02:25and is that person going to help me get there and support me in getting there?
02:29I think it is a question of value matching.
02:33What do you think is important in life?
02:35What do you think is important in a relationship?
02:37So one of the questions that I've been asking other couples is,
02:39do you think that there's one person out there for everybody?
02:42I think if so, we're screwed.
02:45I think it's a little bit scary to think that there might only be one person.
02:48We have agency, which is even better.
02:51We get to choose the person we want to be with out of an array of options,
02:55and many of them are going to work in different ways.
02:58People change over time,
03:00and the most important thing is that commitment to,
03:02we want to make this work.
03:03I don't really even remember what it's like to be single,
03:05but if it is, if people do say that it's sucky and it's lonely,
03:10then why do we miss it when we're in a relationship?
03:13Grass is always greener.
03:14I know it's a cliche, but it is one for a reason,
03:17and we tend to take for granted the things in our lives that are going well.
03:22It's also about making sure that you don't think your partner is your everything,
03:26and we need to make sure that we're paying attention to our family members
03:29and our friends and our pets and our whatever it is,
03:33and making sure that our partners are just one awesome part of our life instead of all of it.
03:38As we get older and more mature,
03:40we can start to figure out what really matters to us and what we won't miss,
03:44and it's different for everyone.
03:46Hailey, can I take you home with me?
03:49Do you want to be in a relationship?
03:51I mean, it would be, we'd talk a lot.
03:53There'd be a lot of communication.
03:55I was like, wait a minute, Hailey.
03:57Tell me what this means.
03:59Talk it through.
04:00Thank you so much. You're incredible.
04:01It's my pleasure.
04:04It's normal to miss being single when in a relationship
04:07and it's normal to want a relationship when you're single.
04:10My takeaway is don't compare yourself to those around you.
04:14Your partner should be one part of your life, but not all of it.
04:18Most important is learning how to love yourself.
