00:02Hey, you disappeared today. Looked like you were busy. Kendall, that's what this is about?
00:12This isn't about anything. Good night. She means nothing. You know that. Do I? Because from where
00:18I was sitting, she had her hands all over you and you didn't seem to mind. You're jealous.
00:24I'm not. You are. And it's kind of incredible because it means this is real for you too.
00:33Of course it's real. That's the whole problem. Beck, you forgot your charger.
00:38Oh, hey, Elle. You good? Great. Night.
00:46Everyone I cared about was either pulling me closer or pushing me away. And I couldn't tell
00:52which was worse. You're my best friend. You're one of the most important people in my life
01:00and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't. I don't feel that way about you. Yeah. I knew
01:06that. That doesn't mean... I just needed to say it out loud so it would stop eating me
01:13alive. Is there someone else? Okay. He deserved the truth. All of it. And I gave him silence,
01:26which was its own kind of answer.
01:31Hey. You okay?
01:35Rowan was just here.
01:39And
01:42she told me he was in love with me.
01:44What did you say?
01:45What do you think I said?
01:48I told him I don't feel the same way.
01:51Did you tell him about us?
01:54No.
01:55Do you want to?
01:56I don't know what I want.
01:58I just broke my best friend's heart and I can't even explain why.
02:01You didn't break anything. He was brave enough to tell you the truth. That's not your fault.
02:06He asked if there was someone else and I just stood there.
02:10Elliot.
02:11He knew. He looked at me and he knew.
02:16Come to the window.
02:22Whatever happens, I'm right here.
02:25Two boys in separate rooms, reaching for each other through glass.
02:29That's what it felt like, being close enough to touch, and a whole world in the way.
02:36It's been five days since Rowan told me he loved me.
02:40Five days since I sat there like a statue and let him walk out.
02:43We haven't spoken.
02:45Not a text.
02:46Not a glance.
02:48It's like someone cut a limb off and I'm just supposed to keep walking.
02:53Rowan switched lab partners. Did you know that?
02:57No.
02:58He requested Brody Sims.
03:00Brody Sims, Elliot. The kid who eats glue.
03:03He doesn't eat. That was one time.
03:08What happened between you two?
03:12Nothing.
03:14We just need space.
03:16Space is what you give someone who borrows your hoodie too long.
03:20This is a crater.
03:24You okay?
03:26And then there's that.
03:32There's nothing.
03:33Sure.
03:49Everyone wants a piece of me and I've got nothing left to give.
03:52Rowan wants an answer I can't give him.
03:55Beckett wants me to be braver than I am.
03:57And I'm just sitting here trying to remember how to breathe.
04:05You've been ghosting me.
04:07I've been dealing with things.
04:08I know.
04:10Rowan.
04:10I'm not stupid.
04:11Then you know why I need to-
04:12What?
04:13Pull back?
04:14Pretend the last two weeks didn't happen?
04:15I'm not pretending anything.
04:17I just can't do this right now.
04:18My best friend is in love with me and I'm sneaking around with his...
04:22With you.
04:23And it feels like I'm betraying everyone.
04:25You're not betraying anyone by being honest about what you want.
04:28That's easy for you to say.
04:29You're not the one who watched him cry.
04:34I'm not your dirty secret, Elliot.
04:35And I'm not ready.
04:36Can you understand that?
04:38I'm not ready.
04:41Okay.
04:42I hear you.
04:43But I'm not going to wait forever.
04:50Mom.
04:51Sit down.
04:52I'll get the plates.
04:53I'm fine, sweetheart.
04:55Just a tickle.
04:57Catherine.
04:58The Hendersons want us for dinner Saturday.
05:01That sounds lovely.
05:05Mom?
05:06You okay?
05:08Never better.
05:10That night I couldn't sleep.
05:12Not because of Becky.
05:14Not because of Rowan.
05:16Because my mother folded a napkin like she was hiding a grenade.
05:19And I was too afraid to ask what was on me.
05:21I'll be back.
05:22No.
05:29No.
05:31No.
05:50Employees.
05:54your mother and i need to talk to you both i've been having some tests done
05:59i didn't want to worry you until we knew for sure it's cancer stage two breast cancer
06:07the doctors are optimistic about treatment but i start chemotherapy next week
06:13how long have you known a few weeks we wanted to have a plan before a few weeks
06:19theo look at me i'm going to fight this i need you boys to know that
06:29what's the treatment plan six rounds of chemo then we reassess what are the odds elliot what
06:38are the odds dad good they're good sweetheart okay okay good i need a minute
06:56you don't have to do this do what the food the driving the hovering i'm not hovering i'm sitting
07:04there's ice cream it's a whole different verb she looks so small in that chair the iv bag was bigger
07:09than her arm she's tough everyone keeps saying that like tough is a cure it's not a cure but
07:18it's not nothing he didn't try to fix it didn't offer platudes or silver linings he just stayed
07:28and somehow that was the only thing that didn't make me want to scream
07:34i keep thinking about time
07:37how much she has how much i've wasted being angry about stupid things
07:41you're 17 stupid things are kind of our whole deal
07:45what if she doesn't hey don't you don't have to be okay right now you don't have to be anything
07:51i need you and that terrifies me more than any of it and i'm here simple as that
08:04i told myself no one could see us in the dark but the thing about secrets is someone's always
08:10watching
08:13be ready at 10 wear something you don't mind getting dirty
08:17that's ominous trust me
08:23where are we going starlight pier that's an hour away
08:26yeah that's kind of the point if this is some elaborate plan to murder me at least buy me funnel
08:31cake first deal
08:39pink really it's objectively the superior flavor
08:44it's the same flavor they're both just sugar
08:48and yet you're wrong
08:56there it is
08:57what that you're smiling like actually smiling
09:02not the sarcastic one you use on everybody else
09:07what are you this is disgusting there's literally a
09:24what are you this is disgusting there's literally a
09:43yeah one minute
09:46we're insane
09:48probably
09:50probably
09:53beck
09:55yeah
09:56be my boyfriend
09:58for real
10:01not just whatever this has been
10:04i want it to be real
10:07took you long enough
10:16i walked inside and pressed my back against the door and stood there in the dark like an idiot
10:20grinning at the ceiling
10:22my mom was sick my best friend could barely look at me
10:25my dad and i spoke in monosyllables
10:28and somehow impossibly
10:30i was happy
10:35that should have been my first one
10:42boyfriend
10:42boyfriend
10:43he typed it
10:44with his actual fingers
10:45on purpose
10:47and i'm lying here smiling at a screen like a golden retriever who just learned a new word
10:55i wrote back mourning with a period
10:57because apparently becoming someone's boyfriend turned me into a sociopath who can't use emojis
11:04wear the blue hoodie today
11:06you look good in it
11:10three days since starlight pier
11:12three days since i said be my boyfriend like some character in a movie i'd normally make fun of
11:17three days of texting under the covers
11:20deleting threads
11:21and feeling like my chest might actually explode
11:35tinted windows
11:36this is a school parking lot
11:38then stop talking and we'll be faster
11:43that's that's that's not how logic works
11:48you've been staring at me in calloway's class for 45 minutes
11:51i counted
11:52i was staring at the clock behind your head
11:56the clock's on the other wall
12:02i hate you
12:04no you don't
12:06that's it you're doing it again
12:08doing what
12:10smiling at nothing
12:11like you've got a secret stash of serotonin the rest of us don't have access to
12:15i'm just in a good mood
12:16is that a crime now
12:17for you historically yes
12:20you're seeing someone
12:22what
12:23no
12:24elliott marsh you are a terrible liar and you're wearing a hoodie someone else picked out
12:28who is it
12:33there might be
12:34someone
12:36it's new i'm not ready to talk about it
12:38i knew it
12:39keep your voice down
12:40is it someone at school do i know them
12:44sloney please
12:46okay
12:50okay
12:51but when you're ready
12:53i want details
12:54industrial quantities of details
13:00the landmark ruling has sparked celebration across the country
13:04with same-sex couples lining up at courthouses
13:07there it is again
13:08every channel
13:09like they've got nothing else to report
13:11dad
13:12it's kind of a big deal
13:14it's a circus
13:15that's what it is
13:17every week
13:18another parade
13:19another spectacle
13:20richard
13:21what i'm not allowed an opinion at my own table
13:23you're allowed to eat your dinner without editorializing
13:27there it is
13:28the wall i'd been pretending wasn't there
13:31brick by brick
13:32comment by comment
13:33my father built it
13:34and i'd been standing on the wrong mic whole life without knowing it
13:39you've been quiet all day
13:40quieter than usual
13:42which is saying something because you never shut up
13:45my dad said some stuff last night
13:47about people like us
13:49what kind of stuff
13:50the kind where you realize the person who's supposed to love you no matter what
13:54has conditions
13:55fine print
13:56yeah
13:57i know that play brook
13:58what if he never gets it
14:00what if i tell him and he just
14:02looks at me like i'm broken
14:04then he'd be wrong
14:05and you'd survive it
14:06you're annoyingly hard to kill
14:08trust me i've tried
14:10what if i'm not ready
14:11then you're not ready
14:12there's no deadline elliot
14:13this isn't a college application
14:17seven across
14:19unwavering devotion
14:21nine letters
14:23steadfast
14:24look at you
14:25my walking to sarah vans
14:27something's eating at you
14:29and don't say nothing because i've been your mother for 17 years
14:32and i can hear you thinking from two rooms away
14:35mom
14:37if i were different from what you expected
14:39not bad different just different
14:41would that change anything
14:45elliot james marsh
14:46i loved you before i ever saw your face
14:49i loved you when you screamed for 14 hours straight with colic
14:52i loved you when you put a frog in theo's cereal
14:54there is nothing you could tell me
14:56nothing
14:57that would make me love you less
14:59even if it's something dad wouldn't understand
15:01your father's understanding is his responsibility
15:04not yours
15:05you hear me
15:07no matter what
15:08always
15:13mom
15:15i think i'm in love with a boy
15:17she couldn't hear me
15:18but i heard myself
15:20and for the first time
15:21the words didn't feel like a confession
15:24they felt like the truth
15:27rowan came back
15:28not all the way
15:29but enough
15:31he sits with us again
15:32he laughs at the right moments
15:33and if his eyes go somewhere far away
15:36when beckett's name comes up
15:37nobody mentions him
15:39that's the deal we made without saying it out loud
15:43you're doing that thing again
15:45what thing
15:45the thing where you look like you won the lottery
15:47but you're pretending you didn't buy a ticket
15:52leave him alone sloan
15:53fine
15:54but for the record
15:55i'm keeping a tally of every weird smile
15:57we're at 14 this week
15:59and it's monday
16:06you've been disappearing a lot lately
16:08busy with who
16:10homework
16:11riveting stuff
16:26nobody tells you secret dating
16:28turns every public room into a performance
17:00elliot that's not what this looks like
17:01don't
17:03we're done
17:08elliot
17:10elliot
17:11elliot
17:12you saw one second and turned it into the whole story
17:15no
17:17i saw enough
17:21i can't keep doing this in secret and pretending it doesn't break me
17:25i wasn't hiding you
17:28i was trying to protect you
17:31please please believe
17:32inside was the flat lake stone from lakeview haven
17:35i wanted him to know
17:36i remember the night everything changed
17:43got you
17:44what i was doing
17:45no i was saying
17:46you
17:46it was
17:46i was
