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00:00The End
00:55I'm the fantastic Eric Idle.
00:57The man is short, David Jason.
01:00I'm the violent Michael Palin.
01:01I'm the round and cuddly Tony Jones.
01:05I'm the tall, elegant, statuesque Denise Coffey.
01:17Today is, need I tell you, Boxing Day.
01:22And it's called the day after Christmas because it is the day after Christmas.
01:29And that comes from a very old tradition originally celebrated on the day after Christmas.
01:35Which we, of course, now call Boxing Day.
01:44So, we present the Cod Ewing Formation Boxing Team.
01:49And I'm the terminus of the age.
01:50And if she wanted to see you, please.
01:52And I'll see you in the next party.
01:58I love you, Eve.
02:01I love you, Eve.
02:03I love you, Eve.
02:19And I love you, Eve.
03:08Well, hello there, it's recipe time.
03:11Have you got a paper and pencil?
03:13Good.
03:14First, chop the pencil finely.
03:18And pop the bits into a rolled-up newspaper.
03:21Then soak for three hours, or longer if you're very dirty.
03:26Then back to the saucepan, add a soupçon of raw blue permanent.
03:35If you want more than one helping, I do recommend carbon paper.
03:39But if not, simply roll the blocking paper out to an even thickness and serve into a hot waste
03:44paper basket.
03:52There's a bit of food in it.
04:02Good evening, and welcome to the very first edition of What Do You?
04:05A new television quiz game loosely based on all the old television quiz games.
04:09Now, the rules are very simple.
04:11Each week we shall ask a team of two fairly interesting personalities, Lord Elfus, and the
04:16Deaconess of Detroit, a series of questions in either category, category, or special category.
04:25If they get it right, they will get a...
04:28And if they get it wrong, they will get a...
04:32At the end of the contest, they will hear this...
04:36And they will stop immediately.
04:37At any point in the proceedings, they may be given a...
04:42And they can ask for another question, or if they hear a...
04:46It's the fire alarm.
04:49If they want to interrupt a...
04:51Question, or a...
04:52Question, but not a...
04:55They must press their special buttons.
04:57Lord Elfus, will you press yours?
05:03And Deaconess, yours.
05:09If they get it right, they get 15 points on the scoreboard, four letters on the blackboard
05:12for each correct part, and a shot from the crossbow from our mystery gunner.
05:18Like so.
05:19In the event of a tie, I shall start the clock.
05:22And there will be a choice of either a...
05:27Or a...
05:27For the first of either the...
05:35Contestants, or the...
05:40Who can make the golden word Birmingham from his four letters.
05:44And he will be awarded a...
05:47Which will mean that he's this week's winner.
05:49Well, those very simply are the rules.
05:51And now we're ready to play the very first edition of What Do You...
05:54And the first question is a...
05:57For you, Lord Elfus, what are...
06:02Oh, I'm sorry, well, that's all we've got time for this week.
06:05But the scores are still level, so until next week, it's goodbye from me, Lord Elfus.
06:09Goodbye.
06:10The Deaconess of Detroit.
06:12And not forgetting the mystery gunner.
06:26Hello.
06:28A few days ago, I got right away from this smoke and smog and beastliness of the city and slipped
06:33out into the country.
06:34It was a wonderful day, but of course I got lost.
06:36No, I wouldn't, but...
06:38I found myself that day down on Jalitzy Farm.
06:40I found myself that day down on Jalitzy Farm.
07:20There's one called Misery, but of that we'll have none.
07:24Because we know of one that's always lots of fun.
07:28This one's name is Jalitzy, believe me, folks, it's great.
07:33For everything sings art to us as we go through the game.
07:37All the little pigs, they grunt and howl.
07:40The cats meow, the dogs bow-wop.
07:42Everybody makes a row down on Jalitzy Farm.
07:54All the little pigs, they grunt and howl.
07:57Grunt, howl, grunt, howl.
07:59The cats meow.
08:00Meow, meow.
08:02The dogs bow-wop.
08:04Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.
08:06Everybody makes a row down on Jalitzy Farm.
08:09All the little birds go tweet, tweet, tweet.
08:13The lambs all bleat and shake their feet.
08:18Everything's a perfect treat.
08:20Done on Jalitzy Farm.
08:22Regular as habit.
08:24The cocks begin to grow.
08:26And the old buck-rabbit sings.
08:29Rockin' up a jumper.
08:30The daddy-o.
08:31All the dust and crack, crack, crack.
08:34The cows all new.
08:36The bull does too.
08:38Everyone says, how do you do?
08:41Down on Jalitzy Farm.
08:42Down on Jalitzy Farm.
08:46Down on Jalitzy Farm.
09:16Silence in cake!
09:18Silence in cake!
09:22Charles Henry Meredith,
09:24you stand before this cake,
09:26accused of causing grievous bodily marmalade
09:30to one Ida Spriggs,
09:32if not two Ida Spriggs.
09:35How do you feed?
09:37Don't graze in me lunch.
09:40Very well, processed.
09:42Would you read what is on the menu?
09:47Why, I swear to tell the loaf,
09:48the old loaf, and nothing but the loaf.
09:51Are you Charles Henry Meredith
09:52with no fixed ward crest?
09:55Where were you on the bite of the 21st?
09:58I was out at the peaches, sir.
09:59I suppose you mean the peaches near your scoge.
10:01Yes, I do, sir.
10:02I believe you've just been to attend a friend's pudding.
10:05Yes, that's right, sir.
10:06Was it a rice pudding?
10:08Oh, yes, thank you, sir.
10:09And where, may I ask, was this pudding being held?
10:12It was in a small fishing risotto on the South Toast.
10:15I see.
10:16Mr. Melody,
10:17how did you get from the pudding to the peaches
10:19on the day in the restaurant?
10:20Oh.
10:22I used a can opener.
10:24And where is your scone?
10:25It's in Wembley Pork.
10:26Ah!
10:27And you ask us to believe
10:28that you were able to get
10:29from a small fishing risotto
10:31on the South Toast
10:32to a scone in Wembley Pork
10:33in one afternoon
10:34by can opener.
10:37Belch, Melanch.
10:38Yes?
10:39That was a greedy question.
10:40It seems very well cooked to me.
10:43Belch behind your hand.
10:44Carry on, cheese.
10:46Thank you, Melanch.
10:47Charles Henry Meredith,
10:48to the best of your saucepan,
10:50have you ever caused
10:51grievous bodily marmalade
10:52to this woman?
10:53No, certainly hot.
10:55Well, that's plenty for me, Belanch.
10:57You sure you've had enough?
10:58Yes, I'm quite full, Hanko.
11:00The biscuits may get down.
11:02Gentlemen of the jelly,
11:03how do you find the cucumber?
11:08Charles Henry Meredith,
11:09you've been found guilty
11:10of one of the most serial
11:12and digestive crimes
11:13that it is possible to morang.
11:16I have no hesitation
11:17in sentencing you
11:18to the severest penalty
11:20that it is in my power to command.
12:23Have you had a busy Christmas?
12:25It's one that's someone
12:26who's had an even busier one.
12:29I mean, mother.
12:31She's done all the shopping
12:32and the cooking.
12:34She's washed up for you all.
12:36No wonder she looks tired.
12:37And now she's just got her feet up
12:40and there's all the tea things
12:41to wash up.
12:43So come on, fellas.
12:44Give her a rest.
12:47Let's give her a hand.
12:49Don't let her wash the tea things up.
13:08Hello again, everybody.
13:12This is the part of the show you all know
13:14where I sing you
13:15where I sing you one of my very old
13:19compositions.
13:20And tonight it's called
13:21Till Love Breaks My Heart
13:22in a Million Tiny Pieces.
13:25Well, I told Neil,
13:26take it away.
13:30Till the...
13:31Hang on, hang on, hang on, Neil.
13:32Hang on.
13:33A bit fast.
13:35Wouldn't think me and Neil
13:36have been together for 30 years,
13:37would you?
13:39Oh, well.
13:41Try, try, try again
13:43like Robert the Bruce used to say.
13:45Great singer he was.
13:48Till Love Breaks My Heart
13:50in a Million Tiny Pieces.
13:53Till Love Breaks My Heart
13:56in a Million Tiny Pieces
14:00I'll still be in love with you.
14:09Until that day
14:11You'll hear me say
14:14I'll still be in love with you.
14:19Hang on, hang on a bit, Neil.
14:20Hang on.
14:21Why don't we just have a look
14:22at what this is?
14:23Looks like a present for someone.
14:25Just have a read at label.
14:26Might be urgent.
14:29To Jimmy.
14:31That's me.
14:32A small token of our esteem.
14:34Loving you in the past
14:35as we will in the future.
14:36It's not much.
14:38It's just to say
14:39thank you, Jimmy.
14:40Yours.
14:42All the viewers.
14:45Oh.
14:48Thank you, every people.
14:50I'm most deeply overcome.
14:54For 30 years
14:55I've been singing my songs
14:56to people all over the world
14:57to try and bring
14:58into their dark lives
14:59a glimmer of happy sunshine.
15:02And in all those 30 years
15:04I've never had
15:05such a wonderful present.
15:08You know,
15:09I was beginning to think
15:09my act had gone off
15:10a bit recently.
15:12Began to think
15:12I wasn't a good singer.
15:14I don't want to pack it in.
15:16But what else could I do?
15:18I'm an entertainer.
15:19My place is with you.
15:21And you know, people
15:23there's nothing so wonderful
15:24as feeling like I do now
15:26that you're really appreciated
15:28by the people you love.
15:30It's a wonderful present.
15:32The only way I know
15:33to show you my thanks
15:34is to ask you all
15:35to join with me
15:36in one of me real old favourites.
15:37If I find the girl
15:39of my long lost happy dreams
15:41I'll love her
15:42till the day she dies.
15:44If I find the girl
15:47of my long lost happy dreams
15:50I'll love her
15:51till the day she dies.
15:54All together now
15:56I'll kiss her ruby lips
15:59and dress her gender.
16:12All together now
16:15and dress her gender.
16:44Once in every lifetime
16:45one finds that very rare book
16:48which will make great television.
16:50It's called
16:51How to Make Great Television.
16:54I wrote it.
16:56But tonight
16:56I'm here to tell you
16:58about another book
17:00The Life and Adventures
17:02of Captain Fantastic.
17:05From next week
17:05we bring this astounding story
17:08to the television screen
17:09in serial form.
17:26Yes, it's Captain Fantastic.
17:29Fantastic.
17:40It's a bird.
17:42It's a plane.
17:43It's, um,
17:44Archie Gardner.
17:46See him huckle through space
17:48in his time machine.
17:51See him stamp out
17:53the curse of the curse
17:55the curse of the ants.
17:59See him live squalidly
18:01in one minute flat.
18:03Sorry, that.
18:04One minute flat.
18:05See him face the menace
18:07of the militaristic blitzman.
18:23See him tackle the fantastic tumble dryers.
18:29we'll be in the list of the
18:30movies.
18:30See him above them.
18:31See him above them.
18:45See him above them.
18:57Soon as you're finding that
19:19See him contact his control.
19:42Yes see Captain Fantastic take off for adventure.
19:57Oh well you'll prepare all this and more and our new weekend cereal.
20:18You know Christmas isn't all new toys, giving and receiving presents, going out to the pantomime,
20:26and trying out your new bicycle, going out to the pictures and putting up the Christmas tree lights,
20:31having a boxing day party with some of your friends and playing new games,
20:36writing a thank you letter with your new pen, getting a pound from your godfather,
20:41and putting up your lovely new train set, helping father to put up the holly,
20:46counting your Christmas cards, staying up late to watch television and reading your wonderful new book,
20:52watching your elder sister put on a new necklace, winding up your watch, dressing a new doll,
20:57and playing with new cowboys and Indians set, and then trying out your new conjuring set.
21:02It's also time for eating yourself sick.
21:20B is for a boxing day surprise, O is for the puddings and the pies, X is for Xmas greeting,
21:27I have been over-eating, I have been over-eating, N is for the nausea you feel, G, I just
21:33can't face another meal,
21:34D is for disillusion, A is for e-diffusion.
21:39Why? I really couldn't say.
21:40We don't exit for a boxing day, I am giving, from all the way,
21:45D-A-Y-L-U-U-U-U, boring boxing day.
21:54Mummy tries to gate us, writing thank you letters,
22:03I want a larger tummy
22:05I want to count my money
22:07I want to watch TV
22:09B-R-X is what's a day
22:11I-N-G is run all the way
22:14D-A-Y, this is all you get
22:16You're not allowed to set
22:18You're not allowed to set
22:19And if your stench just gets stuck in a piece of Christmas pot
22:23Let's go set
22:25B-O-X is what's going on
22:29I-N-G is run all the way
22:33D-A-Y, this is all you get
22:37You're not allowed to set