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00:10And has my little angel been a good boy?
00:13Oh yes, very good indeed.
00:16Mammy, Mammy, Mammy, on Monday night it's funded!
00:20No, no, funded. Funded.
00:24Funded. Funded. Funded.
00:28And Daddy and me slept together?
00:31Uh-uh. Again?
00:32Daddy and me slept together?
00:35No, Cherie. Daddy and I slept together.
00:39That was all thirsty. I'm talking about Monday and all.
00:43Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Betty Hill Show.
00:46And here he is, Betty Hill!
00:52Now there was just my daughter and me
00:54When the hoodlums came in
00:56They took the jukebox and the money out of the till
00:58And when I went up through the door
01:00My daughter said,
01:01Pa, I hung her to a $50 bail
01:03I said,
01:04Now, how in the heck did you do that?
01:06Well, I was sitting on it, said my daughter Nell
01:08I said,
01:09If only your dear sweet mother had been here
01:12We could have saved the jukebox as well
01:14But at Betty's place
01:16Last night at ten
01:17Big chief sitting, bull blew in
01:20He had a plate of beans
01:21And then he blew out again
01:22You'll like it down at Betty's place
01:26Now I went to see Pete about getting some meat
01:29From the barbecue on Saturday night
01:31When his English rose with the turned up nose
01:34Came in from the caravan site
01:36Now Pete said to me,
01:38Sigh, I pray thee what might be
01:40That fair maidens won't
01:42She stuck her bargain on the counter
01:44And she said,
01:44A pound to fill it
01:45And Pete said,
01:46A pound you don't
01:47But Betty's girl
01:49Are real well bred
01:50And we like them in blue
01:52And we like them in red
01:53We love them the best
01:54When we got them in green
01:56You're like it down at Betty's place
01:59Now six Hell's Angels
02:01Come in here one night
02:02And started picking on some little guy
02:05Now they pulled his hair
02:07And then they pushed him off his chair
02:08And when he left
02:09I thought that he was gonna cry
02:10One Hell's Angel said
02:12He ain't much of a man
02:13To let a gang like us
02:14Do just what it likes
02:15I said he ain't much of a driver
02:17Cause he's just packed his truck
02:19Over his six brand new motorbikes
02:21But at Betty's place
02:23We never get tight
02:24You can drink thirty pints
02:26And it's still alright
02:27But we did have one fella burst last night
02:29You're like it down at Betty's place
02:33Now I saw Charlie park outside his car
02:36I said,
02:37Now tell me where's your beautiful wife?
02:39I said,
02:39That woman of yours
02:40She just radiates happiness
02:42She radiates the charm of life
02:44Now she radiates wit
02:46And she radiates wisdom
02:47She radiates joy when she's speaking
02:49He said,
02:50That's great
02:51But at the moment, mate
02:52My radiator is leaking
02:54But at Betty's place
02:56She gets pork and beans
02:58The waitresses
02:59Are all the beauty queens
03:00They all walk around
03:02In them open neck jeans
03:03Come on down at Betty's
03:05Come and spend your panties
03:06You like it down at Betty's place?
03:08I said,
03:17Oh,
03:18Oh!
03:54Oh!
04:03Oh!
04:04What are you doing?
04:04Wow!
04:05What are you doing?
04:12Oh, my God.
04:13Oh, my God!
04:18Oh, my God.
04:49Ting!
05:10Oh, ho, ho!
05:41Oh
05:59Oh
06:27Oh
06:52Oh
07:29Oh
07:31Oh
07:32Oh
07:32Oh
07:32Oh
07:35Oh
07:42Oh
07:43Oh
07:43Oh
07:43Oh
07:43Er
07:44Oh
08:03Oh, my God.
08:18Oh, my God.
08:55Oh, my God.
09:22Good evening and welcome to the opening night of Leprechaun Television and I see by the
09:29clock on the wall that the little hand is on the six and the big hand is on the two,
09:34which
09:35means that it's quarter past six, as I say in England, 6.45, so it's time now for the
09:40seven o'clock news.
09:41Shut that door!
09:43Introduced to night.
09:43Shut that door!
09:45Is that a question?
09:46Is it very...
10:05In the main square of Hoyley today, police fired warning shots over the heads of rioting nuns,
10:12killing 17 people in the surrounding Hoyroy's flats.
10:19London and Tim O'Dooley found last week shouting,
10:23Dennis Healy is a stupid great twit outside number 11 Downing Street, was today given three
10:28months for being drunk and disorderly and three years for contravening the Official Secrets
10:33Act.
10:43Back home and the River Niffy, the country's most polluted river, today caught fire.
10:52Sadly, there was nothing to put it out with.
10:55Local firemen improvised.
10:59Today was the coldest day for this time of the year since records began.
11:04In Dublin, the O'Connell flasher was seen describing himself to several ladies.
11:12But we are due for a change and next week it'll be muggy, followed by Tuggy, Weggy and Fergie.
11:20The English Prime Minister, seen here with members of his cabinet, today held an emergency
11:27meeting to discuss the committee's findings on the...
11:30Oh, sorry.
11:33Our sheepdogs become an obsolete.
11:36Sussex farmer, Arnold Flan, seen here with some of his sheep, says these sheep of mine
11:42are loyal.
11:43Oh, that's the end of the news.
11:46I'm sorry.
11:47Thank you, sir.
11:52Oil.
11:54Coffee.
11:56Black currant juice.
12:01We wash one in a high-priced detergent, the other in Fair Deal Bend.
12:07The result, not a heap of the difference.
12:13Pardon me, but do you have a cigarette on that?
12:16Ah, no, I don't smoke.
12:18I don't smoke.
12:18But here, try one of these.
12:19Oh, that bolo, the mint with the hole in the middle, yes?
12:23And let's try one of them, yes.
12:24What the hell?
12:27What the hell?
12:27Eugh!
12:28My corn blaster.
12:30I've been looking for the corn blaster.
12:38Sure, and we all get colds this weather, don't we, eh?
12:41Symptoms in the head, but mostly here in the nose.
12:45You get the chopped lips here, the sore throat, but when the nose gets stuffed up...
13:00Good evening, everybody.
13:02It's time now for the, uh...
13:06When it's, ah, for the program, Ray, and it is me, uh, Terry Lane Reed.
13:14At 6.30 tonight, you can see Opportunity Knuckles.
13:21Thank you tremendously, folks, and I really mean that most sincerely.
13:24Ah, pardon me, little frog in the throat.
13:26Now, here is the lovely Angela with our guests for this evening.
13:30And tell me, Angela, who have you brought along this evening?
13:32Frida Unction from Cork.
13:34Well, Frida Unction from Cork, will you sit down?
13:37And thank you very much, Angela, for bringing her a lot.
13:39I'll tell you, Frida Unction from Cork, who have you brought along this evening?
13:43The Singing Dentist, Phil McAverty.
13:45The Singing Dentist, Phil McAverty.
13:47You put one over on me there, didn't you?
13:49Well, we want to hear him.
13:51Ha, ha, ha.
13:53I love the dear silver, the change in your hair
13:56And the bland, the salt, far old and lincoln with care
13:59A kiss of your finger, so tied one for me
14:06God bless you and keep you, mother, my free
14:12And now, for my next number, I'd like to give you the Hilda of Donegal.
14:14It's a very popular thing that I...
14:20Give me a hand with me, give me a hand with me, quick, quick, quick.
14:22Is it serious?
14:23No, I don't think there's anything broken.
14:25I'm not sure.
14:25It's only a scratch.
14:26Are you sure it's only a scratch?
14:28But whether it's a scratch or not, we'll have to repaint it.
14:31I know we'll have to repaint it, it's only paint.
14:33It's always the paint.
14:34Let us go and paint the house.
14:37At eight o'clock, there's a real treat for all sporty lovers.
14:41Pearls, sport lover.
14:49Hello there, good evening.
14:51This is, um...
14:53Birthday to you.
14:54Birthday to you.
14:55Happy birthday, Diggio Davis.
14:56Diggio Davis!
14:57We're the sport news.
14:58And here we are with the cricket.
14:59At Belly Moondy, the Terry Cricket captain was out today for a duck
15:02when a very fast ball took up both his bails.
15:07Boxing and the brown heavyweight champion last night was knocked out in the fifth round.
15:12His manager said he'd have done better and lasted longer
15:14if only he had cut down on the smoking and the drinking and the sex.
15:18Especially between the rounds.
15:20Shooting and a browner meadow today, Colonel Paddy Fields got three bulls.
15:25He also got two cows and a goat, but they don't count.
15:30And football referee, Sean Lamb, was yesterday reprimanded by nothing at all.
15:36Reprimanded by the FA.
15:42For his handling of Saturday's cook toy.
15:47You want to go for a what?
15:50Yeah, all right then, yeah.
15:52Would you bring me back one?
15:53Mine fell out just now.
16:01That's me and the wife taking a blackmail last year.
16:04Have you got any pictures of the wife in the nude?
16:07Of course I have not.
16:09Do you want to buy some?
16:13Oh, you have got some.
16:23I know you've got tonight.
16:25Our rosin reporter, Nathan White-Thurch,
16:28talked to the king of the squealers,
16:30the man with 200, with 20,000 pounds on his head.
16:37Are you not afraid that one day these gangsters who are out to kill you
16:42will find out who you are?
16:44Oh, indeed I am.
16:47I wouldn't tell her of being discovered.
16:49Absolute terror.
16:51If my identity became revealed,
16:54I'd be marked, man.
16:56I, uh, I think you're sitting in my chair.
17:01I think you're sitting in my chair.
17:08Tell me, are you not afraid that one day these gangsters who are out to kill you?
17:17Can we go again, can we?
17:19Eight o'clock and it's time for Master Brain.
17:40You have chosen to answer questions on general knowledge.
17:45Sausage, is that right?
17:47Pass.
17:52What is celery?
17:55High-class wages.
18:00Anemic rhubarb.
18:02Anemic rhubarb.
18:03What is bologna?
18:05Sausage.
18:06Bologna is why where you find the hem of a nice girl's skirt.
18:13What do you call Russian napkins?
18:15Pass.
18:16Soviets.
18:21Why do cows wear bells round their necks?
18:24Because their horns don't work.
18:29Well done.
18:32And you will be.
18:35What does it mean when your palm itches?
18:37Visitors are coming.
18:38And when you itch all over?
18:40They've arrived.
18:45Oh, Duffy fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey.
18:49None was spilled.
18:50Why was that?
18:51He kept his mouth shut.
18:56What is higher perches?
18:58Higher perches.
18:59Higher perches is feathering your nest with a little darn.
19:03A little darn.
19:08Higher perches are what brave budgies stand on.
19:15What is a bachelor?
19:17A man who hasn't thought seriously about getting married.
19:20A man who has thought seriously about getting married.
19:24What is an asset?
19:25A little donkey.
19:37An ascot.
19:38A little donkey's bed.
19:44A pathologist.
19:47A man who can find his way through a wood.
19:53Unabridged.
19:54A river you have to wave across.
19:58What is it that a man does standing up?
20:03A woman does sitting down.
20:06And a dog does with one leg raised.
20:10Pass.
20:17Pass what?
20:20I don't know the answer.
20:21The answer is shake hands.
20:27I am 19 years old.
20:29I have a lovely soft speaking voice.
20:31A gorgeous figure.
20:33A passionate disposition.
20:34Soft red lips.
20:35Eyes like pools of liquid.
20:36I own a pub and I don't drink.
20:39Who am I?
20:40Who cares?
20:41Kiss me.
20:43Kiss me.
20:48And that is the end of the program parade tonight.
20:59You fooled.
21:00You promised you'd make me have some.
21:02Well I did.
21:03I did.
21:11They told us when we got to Rome,
21:13it'd be like home from home.
21:15The way they treat us Britons is a crime.
21:17They done in old Charlie Clinger.
21:19A chariot wheel went over his finger.
21:24Miney was scratching his backside at the time.
21:28Do you know they feed us pickled pork
21:30tough enough to break your fork?
21:32They serve you up your gravy by the slice.
21:35I tell you, it's either overcooked or raw.
21:37I think it's their religious law.
21:39It's either a burnt offering or a bloody sacrifice.
21:44We sleep 18 to a cell and you ought to cop a smell.
21:48But you know what the one thing is that I think about
21:50that gets me through the night?
21:52My wife's left Bristol.
21:59And Garnt to live in York.
22:06So at least her and the kids will be all right.
22:08Every week I take some of us out of the vines
22:10and then chucks us to the lions.
22:12My mate Albert, he killed one lion
22:13after he provoked it.
22:15He trod out on its tail
22:16and this lion lets out a whale
22:18and bit off Albert's head
22:19and that's what joke did.
22:23It's a bit like football in a way
22:25because they play it every Saturday.
22:27They throw the lions virgins without a stitch.
22:29They don't make them lions roar.
22:32And do you know what?
22:33I want the score.
22:34You never get spectators on the pitch.
22:38Once Cleopatra came past
22:39clasping her little arse.
22:43I couldn't help wondering
22:44how those red lips of her has tasted.
22:46Then Harold starts to snigger.
22:48He says, she's got an hourglass figure.
22:50I says, I am not a minute of it wasted.
22:52She says, slave, you come with me.
22:55I shall want you to see
22:56that my skin is kept as soft and smooth as silk.
22:59She puts money in my hand.
23:00She says, take these 200 cans
23:01and get 200 cans of pure goat's milk.
23:04Well, I nearly had a fit.
23:06She had a bath in it.
23:07And she says, clean out the bath
23:08like you've been taught.
23:10Well, I drained it back into the cans
23:12and I sold it round the town.
23:15And what's more,
23:16I sold two more cans than I bought.
23:23She says, tonight we'll have an orgy.
23:26Now, I always thought it was orgy.
23:28But she says, no, love,
23:29an orgy is when there's four
23:31and orgy is when there's three.
23:34Because the third one says,
23:36oh, gee, there's no one here for me
23:38and goes out the door.
23:40She says, help me prepare.
23:41And she lets me brush her hair.
23:42Well, she's got a dress on.
23:44Well, at least she's half in.
23:45She says, give me my giggle garters.
23:48I said, why are they called giggle garters?
23:49She says, because once you get past them old son,
23:51you're laughing.
23:53Then she grabs over my thighs
23:55and she looks into my eyes
23:58and says, for your wildest desires,
24:00I gladly cater.
24:02And there's me only Cleopatra's charms
24:04in my two trembling arms.
24:06So I...
24:09Oh, blast, here come them lions.
24:11I'll tell you later.
24:35I'll tell you later.
24:37No, no, no, no.
25:12No, no, no, no.
25:39No, no, no, no.
26:11No, no, no.
26:27No, no, no.
26:32No, no, no.
26:33No, no.
26:34No, no.
26:35No, no.
26:36No, no.
27:05No, no.
27:09No, no, no.
27:13No, no.
27:19No, no, no.
27:46No, no, no.
27:54No, no, no.
27:58No, no, no, no.
28:03No, no, no, no.
28:40No, no, no, no.
28:45No, no, no, no, no.
28:49No, no, no, no, no.
29:27No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
29:36no.
29:40And now, folks,
29:42the disgusted of
29:44little Hampton here
29:46are some of those naughty bits.
30:28And now, folks,
30:36once upon a time
30:39science opened up the door.
30:43We would feed
30:44the hungry fields
30:46till they couldn't
30:48eat the war.
30:50And the motions
30:52that we made
30:54just to reach it
30:56down below.
30:58And they grew up
31:00in a way
31:02that we'd never
31:04seen before.
31:33Super Nature
32:36Super nature, super nature, super nature, super nature.
33:34Super nature, super nature, super nature.
33:41Super nature, super nature.
33:47Super nature, super nature.
33:57Supernature
34:01Supernature
34:05Supernature
34:08Supernature
34:10Supernature
34:15Supernature
34:38Supernature
34:46Supernature
34:50Supernature
35:04Supernature
35:08Supernature
35:09Supernature
35:10Supernature
35:10pupils are not permitted to paraphrase
35:12and by that I mean
35:14if the script says he was bent on seeing her
35:16then you must say he was bent on seeing her
35:19and not the sight of her doubled him up
35:20you see
35:21and you have to keep the script
35:23and with this in mind
35:24the passing out piece is this poem
35:26by Walter Winchell
35:28and it's called Faith, Hope and Charity
35:31and it has to be read as it was typed
35:3320 years ago
35:35on a very old typewriter
35:36on which the letter H was missing
35:39here then
35:40is Faith, Hope and Charity
35:44by Walter Winkle
35:49professor of
35:50Kekoslovakian
35:52Pilosopy
35:53and Matz
35:55next door to a sop
35:58that sells Fiss and Kips
36:01in Aroonil
36:03lived Pilipe
36:05a pissy old therapist
36:12his cums all called him Pilt
36:14he was very muck in love
36:18with a girl called June
36:19he pwned her whenever he could
36:24he sent her a cockalip box
36:28cock-a-block with cockalips
36:32but it didn't do any good
36:34he picked her favourite flowers
36:36then gave them to her in a bunk
36:40he tried to sin up her drainpipe
36:47so she invited him in for lunk
36:50she offered him kicking sandwickers
36:54and a cockal-drilled lamb cop
36:58he just kept smoking and queuing his queuing gun
37:01she thought he'd never stop
37:03she said I can't enjoy our little cat
37:06with your ass all over the floor
37:10why don't you put your ass in the ass tray
37:13that's what the damn thing's for
37:16he said marry me or live with me
37:18I really don't care wick
37:21she said I'll give you my boot
37:23you uncuteute
37:25get out
37:26don't come back till you're Rick
37:29then along came Phoebe
37:32wearing a king killer fur coat
37:34that almost reeked to the ground
37:37the couple met in a launderette
37:39while he was watking his wozzing go round
37:46she said I'm no soapier Lauren
37:51I know that my sake's not so hot
37:53I may be old in a toot
37:56my teat may be false
37:59but I could give you suck a lot
38:05you dine on roast peasant
38:08you drink killed campaign
38:10as you lay on some sun-drinked beak
38:13I may be 63
38:15but I've the skin of a peak
38:18he said yeah 63 year old peak
38:21he said sew me a little carotty
38:24and you shall have my last farting
38:30off tact I give you my word
38:33they were married next day
38:34up Arrogate Way
38:36Thursday
38:37Mark the Turd
38:43when I banged on the door
38:45of his fine omean kickister
38:48I got suck a nasty sock
38:52I heard him mutter
38:53oh sit
39:00to his dog
39:01who was running amok
39:04he said he had a happy life
39:06full of good care
39:07and a lady tatty could adore
39:09he said a May-December marriage
39:11worked fine for him
39:12but then June
39:14had the house next door
39:20I give you the two
39:22dentists everywhere
39:23dentists everywhere
39:31thank you very much indeed
39:33ladies and gentlemen
39:33I'm delighted to welcome
39:34to the show
39:35the lovely
39:36Geraldine
39:37Geraldine
39:56okay let's go blue eyes
40:00Casablanca
40:01Casablanca
40:02Casablanca
40:02there's magic in the air
40:07Casablanca
40:08Casablanca
40:10romances everywhere
40:12but I know I'm only dreaming
40:14I see a man in a white tuxedo
40:18sitting at the bar
40:21sitting at the bar
40:22he's got a crooked smile
40:25and a lot of style
40:30play, play, play, play
40:33play it again, Sam
40:54why don't you do what the man said
40:56play it again, Sam
41:02okay, sweetheart
41:05do you wanna dance?
41:10Casablanca
41:12Casablanca
41:13Casablanca
41:14and fantasy come true
41:15do
41:16do
41:16do
41:18Casablanca
41:19Casablanca
41:21Casablanca
41:21what would a lady do?
41:23he's walking right up to me
41:25first he gives me a red carnation
41:29and that crooked smile
41:32should I take a chance
41:36when he says let's go
41:41play, play, play, play
41:45play it again, Sam
41:49give me a chance
41:51and I'll get down and get dancing
41:53with my baby
41:57play, play, play, play
42:01play it again, Sam
42:05why don't you do what I said
42:07play it again, Sam
42:19of all the bars in all the towns
42:21in all the world
42:23you had to pick on mine
42:25and
42:28pin
42:30can there?
42:32the
42:44games
43:04Oh, Dad, there's a lady at the door asking for you.
43:14I think she wants to vlog something.
43:16Oh, dear.
43:20Yeah, what?
43:27From Hollywood to California comes Wonder Grand.
43:42This week's episode, Wonder Grand meets Dracula.
43:47Dracula.
44:29Oh, my God.
44:51Oh, my God.
45:22Oh, my God.
45:47Oh, my God.
45:49Oh, my God.
45:54Oh, my God.
46:00Oh, my God.
46:01Oh, my God.
46:03Oh, my God.
46:16Oh, my God.
46:33Oh, my God.
46:45Oh, my God.
47:03Oh, my God.
47:08Oh, my God.
47:12Oh, my God.
47:12Oh, my God.
47:14Oh, my God.
47:43Oh, my God.
47:44Oh, my God.
47:46Oh, my God.
47:49Oh, my God.
47:49Oh, my God.
47:58Oh, my God.
48:24Oh, my God.
48:41Oh, my God.
49:00Oh, my God.
49:05Oh, my God.
49:18Oh, my God.
49:19Oh, my God.
49:29Oh, my God.
49:32Oh, my God.
50:02Oh, my God.