00:00I hate you, and I hate you even more!
00:03Take this!
00:07You know I hate balloons!
00:13And cheers.
00:16Thank you so much for coming to my birthday.
00:19I really appreciate it.
00:21Yeah.
00:22Lisa, look at me.
00:23I'm looking at you.
00:2422 years.
00:2622 years I have loved this woman.
00:2824 for me.
00:29I had the floor.
00:31I was adding context.
00:32Nobody asked you for context.
00:34The context is I've known her longer.
00:37By two years, that don't count.
00:39All years count.
00:40Janice, that's how years work.
00:42You're both here, and that's what matters.
00:45Of course.
00:46Today is about you.
00:48Completely about you.
00:50Which is why I'll say from the bottom of my heart,
00:53no friend has ever shown up for you the way I show up.
00:56Wow.
00:57What?
00:58You said that out loud at her birthday.
01:02I said something kind.
01:03You said something competitive in a kind outfit.
01:06I drove her to the airport at four in the morning.
01:09I sat with you in the hospital for nine hours.
01:11One time.
01:12It was nine hours, Janice.
01:13It sucked.
01:14I helped you move twice.
01:16You left after the couch.
01:18Okay, we're doing this already?
01:21Doing what?
01:21The thing where you both audit me.
01:24No, I'm not auditing anything.
01:27I'm stating facts.
01:29She keeps a list.
01:31You keep a bigger list.
01:32Neither of you should have a list.
01:34Everything is a competition with you, Janice.
01:37I'm not competitive.
01:39I am thorough.
01:40Enough.
01:43To Lisa, who does everything her own way.
01:47Even when it's the hard way.
01:50Even when, between us, it's the wrong way.
01:53There it is.
01:53I mean it with love.
01:55She means the least.
01:57How do you know about the least?
01:58He told me.
01:59I told you, not Rachel.
02:00So, how is it a toast Rachel already knows the ending to?
02:05She may have mentioned it.
02:07When?
02:08Things come up.
02:09What else has come up?
02:10Nothing.
02:11She told me about the sister thing first.
02:13We agreed not to bring up the sister thing.
02:15What sister thing?
02:18You traded things I told you to each other like cards?
02:22More like updates.
02:23We were worried about you.
02:25You were comparing notes about me?
02:27Sharing.
02:29Between friends who care.
02:31Which things?
02:32Exactly.
02:32Which things?
02:33Not important things.
02:34Don't answer that.
02:35No.
02:36Please answer that.
02:38The lease.
02:38The situation with your mother.
02:40The thing at the old job.
02:43The thing at the old job.
02:45Only between us.
02:46That was between me and one person.
02:49Singular.
02:50Me and you, Janice.
02:52She told me the broad strokes.
02:53Rachel.
02:54Just the important parts.
02:55The important parts were mine.
02:58We were worried.
02:59You could have called me.
03:01That is what worried friends do.
03:04We thought you'd say you're fine.
03:05I would have said I was fine because I am fine.
03:08I don't need two people exchanging notes about me behind my back and calling it concerned.
03:13You traded things I told you to each other like cards.
03:16You just blew out my candles.
03:18That was an accident.
03:19I didn't even get to make a wish.
03:21We can relight them.
03:22You can't relight a wish.
03:25I'm sorry.
03:27Oh my god.
03:30Before you open it, I want to explain my thoughts.
03:34Oh, you don't have to.
03:35I looked up 14 things.
03:37I rejected all of them because none of them were you.
03:40Here we go.
03:41I wanted something that said, I see you.
03:45I know you.
03:47I've always known them.
03:49Mine took longer because I didn't want thoughtful.
03:52I wanted right.
03:54Mine is right.
03:55Mine is right-er.
03:56Thank you both.
03:57The personalization on mine is to go ahead.
04:00Mine is the better brand.
04:01The personalization of the time.
04:03Not at that price point.
04:04Please don't price my gifts at the table.
04:07I'm just saying, mine required more money.
04:09Mine required more money, which is thought you can measure.
04:12I'm going to be honest, I kind of hate this.
04:15What?
04:16This, this whole thing, every birthday.
04:19We're celebrating you.
04:20You're performing for each other and I'm in the middle.
04:24That's not what's happening.
04:26You hate this?
04:28You know what?
04:29Yeah, we came here, we brought gifts, we celebrated you.
04:34After everything?
04:35I didn't say I hate you, I said I hate this.
04:39After 24 years.
04:4122?
04:4122?
04:42Not now.
04:43Janice.
04:43Right.
04:44Sorry.
04:46Just kidding!
04:47Yeah.
04:48Yeah, let's go!
04:49You hate this?
04:50Huh?
04:51You're the worst friends ever!
04:54Ah!
04:55You guys, stop, please.
04:57You are ruining the furniture-
04:59Do you know what?
04:59I hate you.
05:00And I hate you even more!
05:03Take this!
05:05Ah!
05:07You know I hate balloons!
05:09Ah!
05:10Ah!
05:11Ah!
05:11Hi, yes, I need to report property damage.
05:13It's happening right now.
05:15It's in progress.
05:16I own this restaurant, they're destroying it.
05:19I will be right here.
05:20Rachel, stop it!
05:22You're so dumb.
05:23No, you're so dumb!
05:24You're so dumb!
05:24You're dumb!
05:25You're dumb!
05:25You're dumb!
05:26Somebody called about property damage.
05:31Yes, I did.
05:33These women destroyed my restaurant.
05:36Officer, this is a misunderstanding.
05:38It got a little heated, okay?
05:43A little?
05:44It was just a disagreement between friends.
05:46I'm gonna need you both to come with me.
05:47That's completely unnecessary.
05:49This is so dramatic.
05:52Property damage isn't a disagreement between friends.
05:54Alright, let's go.
05:57I'm serious, let's go!
05:59You're being detained.
06:01Stop fighting!
06:06So, you'll each want someone to contact on your behalf.
06:09Of course.
06:10Once Sissa has a chance to calm down, she'll sort it out.
06:13And she's dramatic, but she's reasonable.
06:16She'll come around.
06:17Oh, no.
06:22Hi.
06:24I just want to lay this out for you really fast, okay?
06:27You argued at my table for an hour.
06:30You traded every secret I've ever told either of you.
06:34You blew out my candles before I made a wish.
06:38You turned my own cake over and smeared it over the table I own.
06:44You broke my plates and my glasses.
06:47You tore down a banner.
06:49I hung myself that morning and the balloons.
06:52I would like an apology.
06:54A real one.
06:55And not some, like, explanation or something.
06:57I'm sorry, Lisa.
06:59I made your birthday about me.
07:03I'm sorry, too.
07:04I made it a contest and you were standing right there.
07:10Is there paperwork we need to sign?
07:12Or does this just go away?
07:14You can take care of any restitution for the restaurant, whatever it costs.
07:19We'll cover everything.
07:21That's good.
07:22Yes, you will.
07:23So you'll have them let us out?
07:26Yes.
07:27I will call the right people in the morning.
07:31In the morning?
07:32Yeah.
07:32I feel like I need a good night's sleep first.
07:36And us?
07:37You'll be fine.
07:38When are you having them let us out?
07:42Right.
07:43What's the process?
07:45I'm going home.
07:46What?
07:47Yeah, I'm tired.
07:48It's my birthday.
07:49I'm going home.
07:50And I'm going to go get a good night's sleep.
07:52And us?
07:53I will come back for you in the morning.
07:56Lisa, you cannot be serious right now.
07:59This is excessive.
08:01I love you both.
08:02You're my oldest friends.
08:04And you both owe me a very good birthday next year.
08:08Okay.
08:09Good night.
08:14I'll be back in a second to take you to your cells.
08:18Is she serious?
08:20Yep.
08:21Yep.
08:2322 years.
08:24Yep.
08:2522 years.
08:2624.
08:27Okay.
08:28Really?
08:28For me.
08:2922.
