00:00What if the person you fell in love with wasn't random?
00:03What if part of that insane chemistry you felt in the beginning was two nervous systems
00:08recognizing something familiar in each other?
00:12I'm fascinated by relationships, always have been.
00:15My mom and dad divorced when I was about six months old, and I always wanted to understand
00:20all of that and why.
00:21And then I developed my own adaptations in my own childhood with my relationship with
00:26my bio, my stepfather, my mother, rejection wounds, betrayal wounds, abandonment wounds.
00:31Those are just three of the 35 core wounds that I talk about in Mask, a book in our ecosystem,
00:37and every one of those wounds develops its own predictable ways of protecting itself,
00:43defense mechanisms.
00:44And here's where it gets fascinating.
00:45As adults, we can become incredibly attracted to people with what I call complementary wounds.
00:51Your wound fits their wound.
00:53Your defenses activate their defenses.
00:55The pursuer finds the withdrawer.
00:58The person terrified of abandonment finds the person terrified of being controlled.
01:03The person who needs reassurance finds the person who learned not to need anybody.
01:08And at first, it can feel like incredible chemistry because sometimes what feels like home isn't
01:15safety, it's familiarity.
01:18And then the universe does something fascinating.
01:20It puts a mirror right in front of you.
01:22Your significant other starts touching the exact places that you've spent your entire life
01:28protecting, adapting.
01:30And that's when most couples decide the problem is the other person.
01:34That's called projection.
01:35If she would just stop doing this, if he would finally understand that, maybe.
01:40But pain is a guide, but only always.
01:44And sometimes the pain in your relationship is pointing directly towards something inside
01:50of you that has been running your life subconsciously for decades.
01:54I actually think we use words like broken, trauma, and healing a little too much.
01:59Like maybe you're not broken.
02:00Maybe your nervous system just adapted perfectly to what was available.
02:04The eight-year-old version of you figured out exactly how to survive that environment, how
02:10to receive connection in that environment.
02:12The problem is that you're not eight anymore.
02:14And the adaptation that protected you then may be destroying or blocking the connection
02:19you desperately want now.
02:20So the next time your partner activates the hell out of you, before you immediately make
02:25them the villain, take a sacred pause, breathe, and get curious.
02:30Why did that affect me so much?
02:33What am I protecting right now?
02:35What am I afraid is about to happen?
02:38Because curiosity is a superpower.
02:41Presence is also.
02:42Your relationship may be one of the greatest mirrors you'll ever be given.
02:46And if you're brave enough to look into it, you might discover that some of the mechanisms
02:52running your life were built by a much younger version of you.
