Hank Henry is more than a little frustrated at the lack of attention he is getting from his wife and starts dreaming up amorous escapades with sirens from the past.
#family #comedy
#family #comedy
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00:00:28The End
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00:02:43Good evening.
00:02:44You're about to see a documentary film.
00:02:47It deals with a vital problem that threatens to annihilate the entire human race.
00:02:52We ask you to view the film with objectivity and without emotion.
00:02:58Our question, has woman taken over the male role in our society?
00:03:03Throughout the land, our greatest scientific minds are searching for a solution to this problem.
00:03:09One of the most outstanding one of the most outstanding of these scientific minds is our guide into tomorrow, a
00:03:16man honored by the academic world as its proudest monument.
00:03:19You've heard of the Kenzie report, you've heard of the Kenzie report, and here is the eminent and beloved Dr.
00:03:31Finster.
00:03:32Good evening, doctor.
00:03:34Good evening, doctor.
00:03:34Hello, Ed. This is the beloved Dr. Finster here.
00:03:38What's the matter?
00:03:39The cameras are going, doctor.
00:03:40Doctor, on your line, please.
00:03:41What's the matter?
00:03:42Take your hand off the camera, doctor.
00:03:44I don't have my hand on the camera.
00:03:45What are you, photographing me?
00:03:47Don't photograph me.
00:03:48I don't want to be seen on the camera.
00:03:50I'm going to talk over the film.
00:03:51I'm standing in my pajama tops here.
00:03:54Besides, I've got a couple of women looking for me, and I don't want them to see where I am.
00:03:58All right.
00:03:58Hello, Ed.
00:04:00Well, Ed, this is our subject here, the average American family.
00:04:04Now, I interviewed 500,000 couples, and this is the average, believe me.
00:04:09So you can see the human race has got quite a problem.
00:04:13Now, that's Mr. X, as in sex.
00:04:16Unfortunately, he's the wrong sex.
00:04:18He's a male, a man, a male man.
00:04:20Maybe I shouldn't say that's the wrong sex.
00:04:23After all, how many have we got?
00:04:25We just got two, maybe three or four at the most, I think.
00:04:29Shut up and listen when I'm talking to you.
00:04:33And that is Mrs. X.
00:04:34She talks and he listens.
00:04:37Now, there's only the two of them.
00:04:39And the reason they ain't got no kiddies, I explain in my book like this.
00:04:44The transposition of the male and female roles in modern marriage, with the female usurping
00:04:52the dominant role.
00:04:53The male who is at heart just a dreamer wakes up every morning with a smile, then faces reality.
00:04:59A nightmare.
00:05:00That's her.
00:05:01Wash the dishes, carry out the garbage, and don't stack the dishes.
00:05:08Now, we gotta remember, man was put here for a purpose.
00:05:11And this isn't it.
00:05:13A man and a woman is designed to do things together.
00:05:16For instance, he should wash and she should dry.
00:05:21Up.
00:05:22Now, this could lead to more intimate things like long walks through the parks.
00:05:27They could folk sing together, drag racing.
00:05:29Two people sitting in one of them little bitsy cars they got to touch together sometimes.
00:05:35You know what I mean?
00:05:36And after that, well, that's nobody's business.
00:05:39Like in the average household, Mrs. X takes off for the beauty parlor.
00:05:44Or the bowling alley, or the pistol range, whatever.
00:05:47So he has to find his own way to amuse himself.
00:05:51One thing you gotta say about Mrs. X, no matter what kind of shape she's in, her refrigerator's
00:05:57really stacked.
00:05:58All that milk there.
00:06:00Now, this is symbolic.
00:06:02Milk is the symbol of human kindness.
00:06:04And this kind could make you human so fast your head would swim.
00:06:11Now, here's what's happened to man.
00:06:14He's become a bottle baby.
00:06:17Now, this is Mr. X's living room.
00:06:20The cultural center.
00:06:24Well, he's a great book reader.
00:06:26Because reading gives wings to the imagination.
00:06:30Now, obviously, Mr. X doesn't have any romance in his house.
00:06:34So he's gotta get it from flipping pages.
00:06:37And you can take my word.
00:06:39He's been flipping a long time.
00:06:45Mr. X finds his escape in history books.
00:06:48Now, he's very envious of all of the men in history.
00:06:51Because in those days, men was men.
00:06:54And women was, well, they didn't have much choice left.
00:07:01Besides books, Mr. X also got a visual aid.
00:07:05Now, this is a college-accredited course.
00:07:07That's two units.
00:07:09Or, it's more like doing a den.
00:07:11Here, he studies anthropology.
00:07:15Horses going that way.
00:07:21Horses going right to left.
00:07:24Nuclear physics.
00:07:28Also studies music.
00:07:32And horses going left to right.
00:07:39Also, they got a lot of courses in biology.
00:07:42Now, biology is very important because this is the sponsor's message.
00:07:46Now, they want you to buy the goodies they show you.
00:07:49Like here, you can learn about how much malt they handle every day.
00:07:53How much halves.
00:07:54And the right proportions of each case you want to make your own brew.
00:07:58Now, they do this not just with the facts,
00:08:02but, as you can see,
00:08:05with the figures, too.
00:08:18Don't worry.
00:08:19Beer's good for the rug.
00:08:21Mr. X got the only carpet in town with a head on it.
00:08:35Now, as we observe here,
00:08:37our Mr. Average Man
00:08:39is kind to dumb animals.
00:08:42And that shows something.
00:08:44They got something in common.
00:08:46That's what it shows.
00:08:48Yes.
00:09:11You probably ask,
00:09:13why does the average man go to these kind of places?
00:09:16Well, this is an extension course of the university, you see.
00:09:20And here he comes to pick up a lot of knowledge
00:09:23and pick up other things, too.
00:09:27This is a place where mainly students gather
00:09:30for the lively exchange of ideas
00:09:32and intellectual stimulation.
00:09:35From the look of these seniors here,
00:09:38they've been stimulated into a stupor.
00:09:41Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:09:43Boy.
00:09:44This is my first time here.
00:09:47How's the beer in this place?
00:09:59Well, what a coincidence.
00:10:01Here's the same biology instructor.
00:10:04You know something?
00:10:05It seems to me when I was in school,
00:10:07the teachers didn't wear those kind of suits.
00:10:10I know what the difference is.
00:10:12The lapels on the coats was narrow.
00:10:15That's what it was.
00:10:23Now, lots of these institutes is co-education.
00:10:26This student here, I bet, gets pretty good grades.
00:10:29I would say a B average.
00:10:31Yes, that's probably what she is, a B girl.
00:10:37Wait, may I help you?
00:10:40After all, I am a man.
00:10:47Oh, you're too much.
00:10:51Very funny.
00:10:53No, no, no.
00:10:54That was not very nice for a student to do to a fellow student.
00:10:59Because from this kind of snaky business comes frustration,
00:11:03and from frustration comes escape mechanisms, namely, the dream.
00:11:11This is Cleopatra's garden.
00:11:14Famed far and wide for its beautiful landscaping,
00:11:17with an unsurpassed view of the beauties of the country.
00:11:21And also its statuary.
00:11:23You'll notice that all the statues are full length.
00:11:26There's not a bust in the bunch.
00:11:36Ah, and here's our subject.
00:11:39He has completed the transplants,
00:11:41and in his daydream, he sees himself as a Roman hero.
00:11:45With him is Queen, Cleopatra.
00:11:54Now, Anthony there, Mr. Anthony, he has a problem.
00:11:58He likes to do a little chiseling on the side.
00:12:01Cleo don't like her boyfriends cutting up with the statues.
00:12:04You know, Venus lost an arm that way once,
00:12:06and they had to take, I don't know how many stitches.
00:12:09It was just terrible.
00:12:11It's a little chilly out there,
00:12:12so Cleo tells him they better go inside,
00:12:14because he isn't wearing a sweater.
00:12:16She isn't wearing much either.
00:12:19Now, in case you misunderstand,
00:12:21I want to explain what she's got in mind.
00:12:24Now, you see, in those days,
00:12:25the Queen was also the head of state.
00:12:27So, obviously, what she wants is a...
00:12:31Ha, ha, ha, summit conference.
00:12:32Now, research shows that very few prime ministers
00:12:36walked out of a summit conference in those days.
00:12:47And this is the way they ate grapes, Roman style.
00:12:52In case you're interested,
00:12:53it's also how one-cushioned billiards got started.
00:13:13What we see here is Roman soldiers
00:13:16coming down the escalator.
00:13:19They are coming to bury Antony,
00:13:22not to praise him.
00:13:39You all come back and see us here.
00:13:47Mark hates to eat and run,
00:13:49but he knows if the Romans catch him,
00:13:51they're gonna cut Mark in twain.
00:13:55He tells her besides he left his chariot
00:13:57in a 15-minute parking zone.
00:14:08He tells her,
00:14:11Oh,
00:16:56This is the city, the naked city, the really naked city.
00:17:00Paris, 1795.
00:17:03Napoleon is preparing for his first meeting with the love of his life, Josephine.
00:17:07Josephine. Now you all have seen pictures of Napoleon with his hand in his vest. Some scholars say it was
00:17:12heartburned, some say hives. I got it on good authority for 200 medical men that it was fleas.
00:17:33And this is Josephine. But that's not a flying machine, that's all Josephine. She was voted Playgirl of the month,
00:17:41June through November, inclusive.
00:17:48And this is little Eugene, Josephine's son by her first marriage. And you look at him, you begin to understand
00:17:56why the French Revolution had to be.
00:18:00Eugene was revolting from the very beginning. Herman, what are you doing, butting in here while I'm talking? I don't
00:18:07talk bad, you're just a student.
00:18:09Excuse me, you people out there. I want you to meet this. My assistant, Herman, is studying under me to
00:18:14be a scientist. He's a nice boy.
00:18:17Well, that's enough, Herman. I go back to the laboratory and play with the mice. Nice boy. Forgive the interruption.
00:18:23Back to the interesting stuff.
00:18:27Now comes in Napoleon. He sees this snooper in the map room. Figures maybe this is a spy. Fellow named
00:18:34U2 for short, which you gotta admit he is.
00:18:44But on to more important things. L'amour, how you say in America, ring-a-ding-ding.
00:18:55Your son? Mamma mia, he says to her.
00:19:06My boy, he says to Eugene. What the boy replies has been preserved in history. You can find it written
00:19:14on any fence.
00:19:17Now, what is important to notice here, cycle a lot is cycle a lot. But it's not really that important,
00:19:24but the kid's got an aptitude for swords, which is very handy if you're going to be in the war
00:19:29business or in the restaurant business.
00:19:32He says, you serve shish kebab.
00:19:35And here we see the eternal male. He hasn't got no credit card to flash around, so he shows off
00:19:43by telling her what a hard shot he is in his line of work, which is grabbing everything he can
00:19:48get his country-picking hands on.
00:20:01If I didn't forget my woolies, I could have brought Mother Russia to her knees. But the Russian campaign was
00:20:07a bust.
00:20:12Now watch this. You get the strategy here? Napoleon's using that weary soldier routine to get Josephine sympathy. You know
00:20:19the bitch. Dinner, cha-cha, a few fast belts. How's about my place? I got the new Marie Antoinette album.
00:20:25You know, on the first cut, she sings, I ain't got no body.
00:20:50There you are, my boy, Napoleon tells the kid. You learn your trade good, you can do like I did.
00:20:57It works every time, except this one.
00:21:10She's got to take Eugene to a PTA meeting. But why don't Napoleon sometimes give her a call? She's in
00:21:18the book, but in case he forgets, here's her card.
00:21:34He tells her it's a date and escorts the little monster to the door.
00:21:40He tells her it's a date and escorts the little monster to the door.
00:21:51The conqueror of Europe. Eugene is still their only offspring. The reason he isn't grown an inch is because he
00:21:58wants to stay Mama's boy. But the kid's got a problem. He's got a dirty mind.
00:22:30Yes, the kid's the boss in this house. Napoleon wants to give Josie a good morning kiss. He's got to
00:22:38ask his son's permission. He calls him son for short.
00:22:43There, you see that? He wants even a little nuzzle. First, he's got to pledge allegiance.
00:22:48Now, this kind of trouble always comes in mixed marriages. The ones between men and women. And it's the fault
00:22:55of those marriage counselors. I tell you, look at that. You've got to hand it to that Napoleon. Because if
00:23:02you don't, he's going to...
00:23:03Herman, what are you doing here at 1799? Don't argue. Besides, you're in the wrong uniform.
00:23:10Ooh, a little pushy sometimes, but I like his spirit. Now, what we got here is an example of the
00:23:17forceful, virile male animal. The iron hand in the velvet glove. But the little stinker don't want Napoleon messing around
00:23:25his old lady with that iron hand.
00:23:29Now, this situation could lead to divorce. But Napoleon decides it's better they stay together. Because if they split, he's
00:23:37afraid she'll get the country and he'll wind up with a little monster.
00:23:54They look all washed up, but he ain't defeated yet. He's got a strategy. If you can't lick him, join
00:24:01him. And this is how Napoleon became the first marriage counselor.
00:24:08And remember what he says. The family that washes together stays together.
00:24:25Well, Mr. X got it figured out now. Kiddies ain't the answer to what troubles him. Maybe the answer's over
00:24:33there.
00:24:54No, thank you, ma'am. This girl puts out an attractive selection of merchandise. But he settles for a cigar.
00:25:05May I have a cigar, please?
00:25:08Well, maybe a dollar doesn't go very far these days, but it does go to some pretty interesting places.
00:25:19Get lost.
00:25:31Tobacco, in case you didn't know, was invented by Indians. And the reason is a very logical one. They felt
00:25:39like smoking.
00:25:45This is Captain John Smith. He traveled the world over looking for adventure, seeking new thrills. And even today, his
00:25:54name is Legion.
00:25:55Wherever you go, wherever you go, you can still see his name on motel registers. His musket has a hair
00:26:03trigger.
00:26:07He's out collecting rations for the officer's mess, which it is. On the bill of fare tonight, choice of five
00:26:15vegetables. All turnips.
00:26:20A drumstick of that wouldn't be bad.
00:26:47That's John Rolf, also in the army. A chicken colonel.
00:27:03And this is Rhode Island Reds. Already plucked.
00:27:15Well, holy mackerel there.
00:27:38John Smith tries to tell him he's a chicken inspector, but he gets all fouled up.
00:27:57A scalper. So Rolf gives up his seat, but not for long.
00:28:31So Rolf turns over to his side around.
00:28:32As fuck, he will kill finally ler, I need to watch another man withPaul Chiama.
00:28:33This is Betty sure questa rations.
00:28:33He also collapses with hands, but he tells understood the suns
00:28:33This has been by the only glory that's good.
00:28:36This is the only reason I have taken the opportunity from Bon Appetice
00:28:40And we'll start with more competitors.
00:28:42However, this is notaffirmative.
00:28:47and you kiddies what's watching out there don't be afraid this is friendly indians
00:28:52they just gonna give him a little blood test they're gonna see how much he's got
00:29:01it's the next morning for captain john smith the moment of truth they're gonna see what he's made
00:29:09of they guarantee he's gonna be sick to his stomach but he's a brave soldier he can take it
00:29:18they are not gonna give it but he can take it
00:29:37the captain thinks this is the end of the line figures he's put all that makes life worth living
00:29:43behind him he forgets it's what's up front that counts he's pocahontas daughter of the chief
00:29:56she looks deep in his eyes and it's love at first sight he looks deep too
00:30:15this tribe is really fixed for blades that brave there his name is gillette
00:30:28john puts his head on the block he's a real blackhead and suddenly his whole life passes
00:30:35before his eyes captain smith this is your life your nursemaid the little girl next door
00:30:46the big girl next door to the little girl next door the one that got away the little girl next
00:30:54door
00:30:55et cetera
00:31:05hold it stanley the harvest isn't in yet and we need all the hands we can get
00:31:10this is how an indian maid tells her father she's found her man and wants to go steady
00:31:16now the chief don't go for any of that integration stuff how would you like your daughter to marry a
00:31:21pale
00:31:21face
00:31:28but she tells him she'll name the first papoose after him irving so he agrees
00:32:22Oh, man, what is it this time?
00:32:24Why aren't you back in the laboratory fixin' the sticky wick on the Bunsen burner?
00:32:28Besides, this ain't for a kid like you.
00:32:30This is for grown-ups.
00:32:31Come back when you get bigger.
00:32:35Ah, now the suspense is over.
00:32:38We're gonna find out what was all that rockin' and rollin' in the tent.
00:32:42Aha, here comes the snooper.
00:32:44Now the bride.
00:32:46Hey, you, that's a married lady, you.
00:32:49If Smitty sees you, he'll give you such a clop you wouldn't know from this.
00:32:53And he gets her in those woods, he's gonna give her really somethin', a pokin' a huntus.
00:33:06And now, what has our subject Mr. Average Man learned this far?
00:33:10He's learned that all true history, women is makin' nothin' but trouble for men.
00:33:19Hey, you always do this on dates.
00:33:22Oh, sorry.
00:33:23These other cases were just preliminaries.
00:33:26And now we come to the main bout, Samson and Delilah.
00:33:37In this corner, we got Samson.
00:33:40He's so strong, Vic Tanny goes to him.
00:33:43Only he won't give Vic the name of his hairstylist, cause that's the secret of his strength.
00:33:50The duplex belongs to Delilah, who's a kind of high class.
00:33:55You wanna find out what she is, dial Butterfield 8.
00:34:02This kid's one of the maids, works there.
00:34:10Her job is Chief Spritzer.
00:34:13She's sort of a Philistine airwick.
00:34:39And there is Delilah.
00:34:41Now you got an idea why he wants a return match.
00:35:01He's been doin' push-ups.
00:35:11That ain't bad for a girl.
00:35:14He's got thighs of steel.
00:35:35He's got a chest expansion, 64 inches.
00:35:39That ain't bad for a girl either.
00:35:44All this exercise poops him out, he tells her.
00:35:47Which is a great big lie.
00:35:49But he gotta get started, cause he only got a three-day pass.
00:36:04Again with the hair a bit.
00:36:06But he isn't having none, cause he just sprayed it.
00:36:22A veck!
00:36:23Which in the Philistine language means,
00:36:26what are you, some kind of nut?
00:36:28Took me six months to grow this.
00:36:30This is the new Prince Valiant look.
00:36:59How many fans do this?
00:37:10Let's see. A little off the top, then a little off the left.
00:37:27Oh, he's been robbed. He's been in a hair raid.
00:37:52Don't feel bad, Booby. You'll bring us started this way.
00:38:04His strength's gone. Samson is delivered into the hands of his enemies.
00:38:12You remember all that stuff from before? Now, come on. Pay attention. We can ask questions later. Otherwise, you're going
00:38:18to lose the threat of the plot.
00:38:19All right. Now, here we have a very important marriage symbol. She's having a ball and he's having a chain.
00:38:39Here comes the Spritzer again. Looks like she got a crush on him cause he's the intellectual type with a
00:38:45high forehead.
00:38:46Oh, she's really witty for this guy.
00:39:15That's funny. At North Gaza, this really brought the house down.
00:39:30After what she did to him, Samson ought to know better. But he still wants some action. Live it up.
00:39:36Games. A coke party.
00:39:49Delilah wants a real he-man who's got what it takes. And his has been took.
00:40:13The Spritzer really loved him. After all, she knitted a new head for him. In gratitude for all these things
00:40:20he hasn't done for her, she gives it to him. An Ivy League kiss.
00:40:25That's a belt in the front. And this, students, is what happens to a man that gets mixed up with
00:40:32the wrong woman.
00:40:33If it happened to you, to me, we'd ball like a baby. Look at Sam. He's even balder than that.
00:40:40No strength. No women. Who's there to admire him? To cherish him? What are you gonna do?
00:40:48Well, you can always go camping with the soldiers. But we've just seen there's another case of the aggressive woman
00:40:57who hollers she wants a real man in the house, but give her one and she makes from him a
00:41:03nothing.
00:41:03But Mr. X, our dreamer, don't give up. There's got to be a woman somewhere. It's what's all woman.
00:41:20Dower twenty, please. If this ain't all woman, I'm gonna go in the back room with Herman and cut up
00:41:27a few frogs. That's what I'm gonna do.
00:41:34We are now in Renaissance, Italy. The date, oh, let's say 1550. A nice round number. This nice round number
00:41:42is Lucretia Borgia. And she's got a hobby. She likes to poison husbands on their wedding night.
00:41:49The lucky bride. The lucky bridegroom is Ferdinand the fat. Named after his mother who was Ferdinand and his father
00:41:58who was fat. My research says he takes after, uh, I got a note here someplace. Let's see. Oh, yes.
00:42:05He takes after upstairs maids.
00:42:14Now, in those days, wives didn't mind their husband chasing maids. They liked a man with a lot of guts,
00:42:21which there's no question he's got. He knows his wife's reputation. Figures he'll get a little sack time before she
00:42:29slips him the ant paste.
00:42:31But she's not gonna mess around with this slob while she's sober.
00:42:36Ferdy tells her his girdle's killing him. Why don't they slip into something a little more comfortable?
00:42:43Lucretia was wearing a train, but this is the new model featuring an observation car in the place where there
00:42:50used to be a loose caboose.
00:42:52Ferdy's got an active imagination, and he can picture what's going on back there. Nothing's going on, he's happy to
00:43:00see.
00:43:09Of course, in a wife looks ain't everything. Character's very important, too. It's nice to know she's got one.
00:43:27This is what they called in those days a negligent, and you can see why negligent driving is such a
00:43:32hazard on the roads.
00:43:39Behold the bridegroom.
00:43:44He went behind there a swashbuckler, and it looks like he buckled where he used to swash.
00:43:55She really likes this outfit. Just say the word and he'll switch with her. But not the garter. That's why
00:44:02he keeps his mad money.
00:44:07He says, you like my nightcap? She says, don't mind if I do.
00:44:32Here it is. Nightcap 47. Excellent for the circulation.
00:44:38Ferdy's got an idea. If he drinks that stuff, he won't be in circulation very long.
00:44:52He'd like to play 20 questions. Number one, how come the orchestra was playing the funeral march at the wedding?
00:45:14Set the alarm clock. For what? He knows he isn't getting up in the morning. Any morning, if she's doing
00:45:20what he thinks she is.
00:45:21Slippin' the rat a Mickey. A Mickey rat. And later in history comes the sequel, Son of Mickey rat. Mickey
00:45:30Mouse.
00:45:32But it isn't a Mickey at all. It's a Geritol.
00:45:41Herman, stop bustin' in here and go fill the Dixie cups.
00:46:02Aha! Ferdy figures out an idea how to outsmart her.
00:46:07Can you tell me how to outsmart her bow?
00:46:19It's a real charm.
00:46:20Can you tell me how to outsmart her bow?
00:46:23I know.
00:46:32It's a real charm.
00:46:35I know that I was playing the top table.
00:46:36And even if I know, the Italian man, I not even bravating the enseñanza.
00:46:51Your health, madame, and long life.
00:47:04Still breathing?
00:47:15How about one for the road?
00:47:28A votre santé, meaning, ooh, for goodness sakes, I made a boo-boo.
00:47:57He feels the stirring of passion in his veins, but being a fellow that led a sheltered life,
00:48:03he thinks it's the last roundup.
00:48:06Now he remembers what his papa told him.
00:48:09Once you're dead, sonny, life's hardly worth living.
00:48:17After this, Mr. X is ready to give up with the dreams and settle for what he's got.
00:48:25Even better, he'll settle for what she's got.
00:48:28You'll notice she's wearing a leopard.
00:48:30The leopard's empty, of course.
00:48:32That's the animal that never changes its spots.
00:48:35And if you was hanging around those spots, you wouldn't want to change either.
00:48:41Women has been wearing animals since, oh, about one million B.C.
00:48:46Or coats.
00:48:54The early caveman looked like this.
00:48:58So he needed all the friends he could get.
00:49:19His maid looked like this.
00:49:21In those days, it really was a man's world.
00:49:25In the same sense it is today.
00:49:27He has to do everything.
00:49:29He's the breadwinner.
00:49:30But don't forget they didn't even invent bread then, which made it kinda tough.
00:49:34She communicates something to him.
00:49:38She shows him with an early visual aid a shopping list for the supermarket.
00:49:43I want a plump chicken, she tells him.
00:49:46Get a tender one.
00:49:47And be sure the butcher cuts it up for frying.
00:50:05And that's his cue.
00:50:15You can see they live in the suburbs.
00:50:17So, of course, they need that picture window.
00:50:20A high-class fella like this, you don't find him living in a hole in the wall.
00:50:39This pool is near the ocean, a favorite meeting place for early cave people.
00:50:52Of course, you realize this preceded the coffee house.
00:50:56They didn't have no espresso, no bongos.
00:51:01Well, maybe a couple of bongos.
00:51:14Nobody knows what was the attraction down there.
00:51:16But they must have had something.
00:51:18Maybe collecting driftwood or seashell, sandbox, something.
00:51:22I don't know what.
00:51:23But I'm not gonna give up till I put my finger on it.
00:51:29This spot here is the way Pasadena was in the olden days.
00:51:33There's some talk of they're gonna put a freeway through here, but nothing come of it.
00:51:36I think the neighbors got up a petition that was one of them things, I don't know.
00:51:43In those days, one of the chief occupations was the tanning of hearts.
00:51:50And this is obviously one of our first national parks.
00:51:55You can see this caveman was sensitive when it came to preserving the beauty spots.
00:52:00Here we have Pikes Peak, Twins Peak, Don't Peak.
00:52:03So far, no tourists have carved his initials any place.
00:52:07At least, the world shows.
00:52:36Again, here's man the hunter.
00:52:38Looking for food.
00:52:44And here is food, looking for man.
00:53:05Remember in the days of the caveman, fire was a new thing.
00:53:08So they like to cook the choice cuts out in the open.
00:53:13This is a typical barbecue.
00:53:32Now's the place I gotta instruct you with some science.
00:53:35Otherwise, you wouldn't understand what you're looking at here.
00:53:38In the first place, this was around the time of the Ice Age.
00:53:43That means the temperature was...
00:53:45Oh, it was already dead.
00:53:48What was really mean?
00:53:50It would raise goosebumps the size of...
00:53:53Ha, ha, ha.
00:53:55Ooh.
00:54:00Ah, the mighty hunter.
00:54:05What's this stuff?
00:54:07Oh, back to science.
00:54:10Now, there's no need to tell you what this is, what you're looking at.
00:54:13It's water.
00:54:15H2O.
00:54:15Which is a heck of a way to spell water, but that's the way they did it back there.
00:54:19Who knew the difference?
00:54:20They couldn't read anyways.
00:54:22Originally, water was where we all came from, you know.
00:54:26Personally, I don't know why we ever left.
00:54:29Oh, to be a flounder again.
00:54:31Before we had any of this stuff, life was pretty dull on this planet.
00:54:35There was nothing but hard air.
00:54:38Then came the cold air, which condensed the hard air, and this made water.
00:54:42Now, from water comes all kinds of interesting things.
00:54:46Windshield wipers, crabgrass, scotch with the chaser on the side,
00:54:51scotch without the chaser on the side, and the chaser without the scotch on the side.
00:54:55If you don't watch the bartender, which all of these things make life worth living.
00:55:16Maybe you understand now why these pools got such a fascination for the caveman.
00:55:20He used to come down and browse.
00:55:23This was sort of like the first shopping center.
00:55:27And from sticking around these places, he got some of his best ideas.
00:55:31The wheel. He invented that down there.
00:55:35The submarine.
00:55:36Maywest life jackets.
00:55:39Carbon paper, what can make ditto copies.
00:55:43Evolution. This is the thing.
00:55:45Now, you all remember what Darwin said.
00:55:48Well, don't forget it, because it's important.
00:55:51Where was we?
00:55:52Protozoic.
00:55:54Yes, cute little one-celled animals.
00:55:57Where there used to be just one cell, now suddenly there's two.
00:56:01Which is quite an improvement.
00:56:03So, for millions of years down there in the water, there was some development going on.
00:56:09Things you don't hardly see no more.
00:56:12Strange sights you would hardly recognize.
00:56:15All sizes. All shapes.
00:56:18Some with tails.
00:56:19Believe me, you get stuck in there with some of them, you don't forget it in a hurry.
00:56:41He knows if the world's ever going to amount to something,
00:56:44these things in the water has got to come up on land.
00:56:48Otherwise, they're going to get waterlogged, and you got a waterlogged protozoa.
00:56:53And you ask anybody, that's the worst kind.
00:56:57So, he waits around a couple of million years till they get the idea.
00:57:02He didn't mind, he didn't have no place better to go.
00:57:13δενopathic catyro
00:57:13whom I got uncomfortable.
00:57:23Look, there is nothing one.
00:57:28Avenue camera.
00:57:35The first thing about you is to use cesarean.
00:58:14Right here, man got another of his brilliant ideas.
00:58:18He invented his most popular sport.
00:58:22This beats the heck out of tuna fishing.
00:58:25With this kind of bait, the tuna can go jump in the lake.
00:58:30The first game.
00:58:33Prehistoric baseball.
00:58:49After a few hours of this, you really beat.
00:58:52Actually, this was the start of the beat generation.
00:58:57And bongos.
00:59:16And that's the way it goes with men from that day until this.
00:59:21Women keep him on the run.
00:59:32Except once in a while he gets a little rest.
00:59:39But he's got to go home sometime.
00:59:41And he missed out on that frying chicken.
00:59:43So he picks up a couple of platypus eggs.
00:59:46If you don't see them much nowadays in the supermarket, be glad, be glad.
00:59:50They're extinct.
00:59:51Oh, boy.
00:59:53Well, what do you expect from an egg a million years old?
00:59:56But that's all he's got.
00:59:58So he brings them home to the little woman.
01:00:16Poor Mr. Average Man.
01:00:18He's run out of dreams.
01:00:20He thought men had it better in the olden days.
01:00:23But in the battle of the sexes, there's only one outcome.
01:00:28Yankee, go home.
01:00:31Unfortunately, there's nowhere to go except back to the foxhole.
01:00:35And the fox is there waiting for you.
01:00:39And now we find that Mrs. X is a dreamer, too.
01:00:43But now she finds that all her heroes, John Smith, Ferdinand, Napoleon, they weren't so much.
01:01:06And Mr. X, he's not so bad after all.
01:01:11Well, this needs a little thinking over in the privacy of her boudoir.
01:01:20Herman, what are you doing here in Mr. X's dream?
01:01:24Wait a minute.
01:01:25Let me clean my glasses here.
01:01:27But that isn't Herman.
01:01:29That's my other assistant, Seymour.
01:01:32Seymour, go back to the laboratory.
01:01:34Play with the...
01:01:35What?
01:01:35You want me to go to the laboratory?
01:01:37The mice is asking for me.
01:01:39All right, you go there, Cookie.
01:01:41I'll be right there.
01:01:43It's nice, boy, Seymour.
01:01:54Meanwhile, our hero, Mr. X, returns to the scene of the crime.
01:02:12So, you're a poor fish.
01:02:16So what's so poor about you?
01:02:19A couple of pretty companions swimming around with you?
01:02:23You're a big shot in a big bowl.
01:02:27Me?
01:02:30I'm just a mouse.
01:02:32Every time I open my mouth to speak, I squeak.
01:02:37But things are going to be different.
01:02:40I love my wife.
01:02:42But she's got to stop pushing me around.
01:02:45Do the dishes.
01:02:47Take out the garbage.
01:02:49Clean up everything.
01:02:52Fishy, I'm going to talk to her.
01:02:54And you know what I'm going to say?
01:02:56I'm going to tell her from now on,
01:02:59you've got to be my wife.
01:03:02From now on,
01:03:04you've got to do as I say
01:03:05because I love you
01:03:07and you are my wife.
01:03:09From now on,
01:03:11wifey,
01:03:12you,
01:03:14you...
01:03:25You're gorgeous.
01:03:28I've been waiting for you, Henry.
01:03:31You have?
01:03:32Uh-huh.
01:03:34You're not angry with me?
01:03:36Uh-uh.
01:03:37You mean I don't have to sleep on the couch tonight?
01:03:40Not tonight, Henry.
01:03:42This is the picture Hollywood dared us to make
01:03:46and like a bunch of nuts,
01:03:48we went ahead and made it.