00:00You're so much smarter than me when it comes to relationships.
00:04I'm a talker, clearly, and talking to these couples about their relationships has given
00:09me such incredible insight, but I still had questions, so I decided to dig a little bit
00:14deeper and talk to an expert, without her significant other around.
00:19This is How To Love.
00:21I'm here with Hailey McMillan, relationship and dating expert here at Refinery29.
00:26Great to be here.
00:27Thanks for having me.
00:28Okay, you've got to help me.
00:29Let's talk about it.
00:31People always talk about being single in New York as being the worst thing imaginable, and
00:36really just being single in general.
00:37I feel like all of my single friends are like, oh, I really want to be in a relationship.
00:40But I'm now wondering, is it normal to be dating and be in a relationship and miss being single?
00:49I can tell you from personal experience, not just as a sex expert, yes, absolutely.
00:55It doesn't mean that you're not happy in your relationship.
00:58It means that you're human and you enjoy variety.
01:01One of the things to consider is that we always think about our own situations by comparing
01:07them with others.
01:07We don't evaluate our happiness in a vacuum.
01:11And so if we're in a group of friends here in New York and they're enjoying being single,
01:15and they're exploring themselves and learning about themselves, we're apt to feel better
01:20about our own single status.
01:21Why do you think that so many people now are hesitant to commit to someone?
01:25They're apts now, and we have a visual representation of how much else is out there.
01:32But the problem is that we are skipping over prospects who might actually really work for
01:37us.
01:37Is being single really all that bad?
01:40It's only bad if you don't want to be it, right?
01:43Singlehood is awesome.
01:44It's such a great time to figure out what you like and to not be accountable in a certain
01:49way to another person to explore sexually, but so are relationships.
01:54Relationships are also great.
01:56And if you have singlehood but you want a relationship, that's tricky.
02:01That's hard.
02:02It's lonely, and it seems like it's going to last forever.
02:05How do you know that someone is the one?
02:07It's about making sure that the other person affirms who you want to be.
02:13There's something called the Michelangelo effect, which is you want to be with someone who helps
02:18you be the best version of yourself.
02:20So you're not just thinking about you're happy right now, you're thinking about where
02:23do I want to be in five years, and is that person going to help me get there and support
02:28me in getting there?
02:29I think it is a question of value matching.
02:33What do you think is important in life?
02:35What do you think is important in a relationship?
02:37So one of the questions that I've been asking other couples is do you think that there's one
02:41person out there for everybody?
02:43I think if so, we're screwed.
02:44I think it's a little bit scary to think that there might only be one person.
02:48We have agency, which is even better.
02:51We get to choose the person we want to be with out of an array of options, and many of
02:56them are going to work in different ways.
02:58People change over time, and the most important thing is that commitment to, we want to make
03:03this work.
03:03I don't really even remember what it's like to be single, but if it is, if people do say
03:08that it's sucky and it's lonely, then why do we miss it when we're in a relationship?
03:13Grass is always greener.
03:14I know it's a cliché, but it is one for a reason.
03:17And we tend to take for granted the things in our lives that are going well.
03:22It's also about making sure that you don't think your partner is your everything.
03:26And we need to make sure that we're paying attention to our family members and our friends
03:30and our pets and our whatever it is, and making sure that our partners are just one awesome
03:36part of our life instead of all of it.
03:38And as we get older and more mature, we can start to figure out what really matters to
03:43us and what we won't miss.
03:45And it's different for everyone.
03:46Hayley, can I take you home with me?
03:49Do you want to be in a relationship?
03:51I mean, it would be, we'd talk a lot, there'd be a lot of communication.
03:55I was like, like, Hayley, tell me what this means.
03:59Talk it through, yeah.
04:00Thank you so much.
04:01You're incredible.
04:01It's my pleasure.
04:04It's normal to miss being single when in a relationship.
04:07And it's normal to want a relationship when you're single.
04:10My takeaway is don't compare yourself to those around you.
04:14Your partner should be one part of your life, but not all of it.
04:18Most important is learning how to love yourself.
04:21and hear your love.
04:22It's wonderful.
04:22You're amazing.
04:22Thanks for your love, thanks for your love.
04:22Bye.
04:22I'm happy.
04:22Bye.
04:23Amen.
