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00:00Thanks for watching!
00:30When we are going through a difficult situation, when someone is going through a difficult situation, we usually say, everything is going to be alright, don't worry, no man, no, no, it's just that I'm scared, it's not going to be anything bad, everything is going to be fine.
00:52We even bring God into the equation and say, "God is with you, nothing will happen to you." What does this mean? "Just have faith and you'll see that nothing will happen to you." What does this mean? Does it mean that if something does happen, then God isn't with you?
01:05Does that mean that if something bad happens to you it's because God has abandoned you? These are stock phrases, meant as a way of offering encouragement, as a way of saying, "I don't know what to say, but I want to say something positive."
01:17Or we bring up things like, well, we have to say good things to attract them, and we get into all this.
01:26What it does is create false illusions.
01:28The reality is that things happen, right? The reality is that in life things happen that bother us, things happen that affect us.
01:39The key here is to understand that even if things happen, it doesn't necessarily mean they are good or bad.
01:46Even if we are suffering, we don't need to label it as something bad.
01:50But we make it mean what affects us or benefits us.
01:56We are the ones who give meaning to what we are experiencing.
02:00I'm not saying it's pleasant, definitely not.
02:03Nobody likes to suffer, nobody likes to be depressed, nobody likes to be going through a sad time where you can't control these emotions well.
02:12It's not that it's the tastiest thing, but just because it's not tasty, or pretty, or what you dreamed of, doesn't necessarily mean it's bad, nor does it mean it's hurting you.
02:27Because many good things happen in those moments.
02:32And much of the length of time your suffering lasts depends on the thoughts you have while you are going through the suffering.
02:39What's going through my mind?
02:43I'm thinking that this is going to bring me something good, that I'm going to grow from this, that I'm being refined by this whole situation and that good things are coming out of me.
02:54At first you won't be able to see it, but later you'll begin to understand it.
02:58And the key is that at this time you don't assign him a burden he doesn't have.
03:02It's not that it's bad, it's not that it's good, either.
03:05Let's leave it like this, let's get through this moment and do it.
03:08And most importantly, at that moment we're going to start with the action stuff.
03:13What you have to do at that moment, before you categorize it and anything, what you have to do is know that you have the right to grieve your losses.
03:23You have the right to suffer.
03:27You have the right to feel whatever you want.
03:30We have the false concept that if we are stronger it is because we don't cry, or that if we don't cry it is because we are stronger.
03:41When I manage to remain calm, calm means with a balanced mind, and if I am not too sad in moments of sadness it is because I am a person who has more faith, who has more hope.
03:55That's not true, that's not true.
03:58We have the right to cry.
04:00King David wept in his psalms, but in great quantities.
04:04Jeremiah was called the Screaming Prophet, right?
04:07Because she cried about lots of things.
04:10We have a right to this.
04:11We have the right to feel the loss, to feel that something is being torn apart inside us.
04:16The good thing is not to label it as bad.
04:19Even if this happened, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
04:23And within all of this, without labeling it, you have to learn to count your losses.
04:29And to count them in two ways.
04:31To count them in terms of, let's see, what losses I've had in my life?
04:36That's good, but it's even better to tell other people about them.
04:40Tell them, recount them, talk about them.
04:42It's okay to grieve your loss.
04:45What's not okay is that you swallow it all.
04:48It's about keeping everything inside.
04:50You implode.
04:52No, it needs to be taken out.
04:54It has to be said.
04:56We need to explain it to others.
04:58We need to try to bring out that inner darkness.
05:01We need to try to bring it out and explain it to others.
05:04Even though you won't always succeed, it doesn't matter.
05:07In other words, the simple fact of trying and doing it is very good for you.
05:11And the people around you too.
05:13Return your losses, the logs of that bonfire we were talking about earlier, in the midst of darkness.
05:18And there, at that bonfire, he begins to tell his horror stories.
05:22It's not that.
05:23Haven't you ever thought about it, been around a campfire, or heard of a campfire where people would tell horror stories at night?
05:30And that, in a way, drew people's attention to the Boy Scouts, for example.
05:36And now let's tell some scary stories.
05:37Well, do that.
05:39You're going to create a bonfire, people are going to come to you.
05:41They're going to get together.
05:43Not literally a bonfire, but use these losses and start counting them.
05:47And let people come and tell their horror stories too.
05:51Freely.
05:53Letting out that salty water that is purged through the eyes.
05:56Those little tears.
05:57Letting them out.
05:58Don't hold them back.
05:59People do that to him, sorry, sorry.
06:02Don't apologize.
06:03Don't apologize.
06:04Cry if you want to cry.
06:06In fact, if you need to cry, just let it out as it comes.
06:10Don't hold it back too much.
06:11Many times, while I am in a coaching session with people, I have attended to thousands of people in coaching sessions.
06:18And the sessions last one hour.
06:20Of that hour, 95% of the time there have been sessions where 95% of the time it has only been that the person is allowed to cry.
06:30She started crying and I left her.
06:32And it was desired, sorry, sorry, sorry.
06:34I told him, don't apologize.
06:35Do you want to cry more?
06:35She cries.
06:35And she cried, and cried, and cried, and cried.
06:38And in the end he said to me, thank you coach.
06:40This was wonderful.
06:41And I said, well, I didn't do anything except not be scared because you cried.
06:45Counting the losses makes them real.
06:47And if it makes them real, sometimes they are more frightening, but it also makes them treatable.
06:53It makes them manageable.
06:55If they are hidden, they are amorphous ghosts there that are scaring you much more.
07:00Please give yourself permission to be vulnerable.
07:02Give yourself permission to let go of things.
07:05Give yourself permission to surrender to what happened.
07:09Give yourself permission to surrender to feeling those emotions.
07:12To cry, to lament.
07:14If we didn't have to solve everything.
07:15Not everything has to be solved the moment you think it will be.
07:20You don't have to fix it, at least not right now.
07:22So, give yourself permission.
07:25Count your losses.
07:26Create a bonfire around you so that people can gather together.
07:30And enjoy it as much as possible.
07:32Enjoy this part because you're going to skip it.
07:35You're going to get through this and you'll see.
07:38And what you see now as something terrible, will be one of your stories of lost wars.
07:43See you in the next clip.
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