She Suffered So Much At The Hands Of Family

Unfiltered Stories

In today's poignant episode of Unfiltered Stories, we have the privilege of listening to Vivienne Green as she bravely shares her life journey with us. Born into a family that struggled to embrace her presence from the very beginning, Vivienne faced a profoundly challenging upbringing. Growing up, she navigated through significant emotional pain inflicted by those closest to her, often suffering her hardships in silence.   Despite the immense adversities Vivienne has encountered, her story stands as a powerful testament to the incredible strength and resilience of survivors who have endured traumatic experiences. Through her courage and determination, Vivienne has embarked on a path of healing and self-discovery, refusing to let her past define her future. Her willingness to share her story serves as an inspiration to others who may be grappling with similar struggles, reminding them that they are not alone and that there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. Join us as we listen to Vivienne's transformative journey and bear witness to the indomitable spirit of those who have survived against all odds. #UnfilteredStories #survivorstories   Follow Vivienne here:  TT: http://tiktok.com/@greenqween7  IG: https://www.instagram.com/greenqween7  FB: https://www.facebook.com/greenqween7  YT: https://www.youtube.com/@greenqweenYT   Thank you for watching Unfiltered Stories! We offer a platform for our guests to speak openly about their life stories and journeys, shedding light on the challenges they faced and the resilience they've shown.   Our mission is to raise awareness about survivors by delving into their stories, exploring the impact of their experiences, and how they've managed to heal and rebuild their lives.  By sharing these stories, we aim to break the silence surrounding those challenging memories and create a compassionate environment.   🌅 FOLLOW US 🌅  Facebook ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredFB  Tiktok ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredTT  Snapchat ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredSN

Transcript

00:00My name is Vivian. This is my story how I've journeyed from trauma to healing. I was born in

00:08the early 80s in Jamaica. My father didn't accept me. There was news that I wasn't his child. My mom

00:17got pregnant at a very young age of 14. The act of her becoming pregnant was out of her control.

00:27Right. Later on, I remember my mom, she would get angry saying, what are you looking for? Or she would

00:36say, we must turn our heads to the corner. It was because it was a one room. She had to

00:43have

00:44intimate relations and therefore you would have to turn your head the other way in order to not

00:51see what's taking place. I was around four and six. I was visiting my grandmother and a cousin.

01:01He was an older male. And I remember I was laying on the bed sleeping. I had noticed that he

01:09started

01:10to put his finger inside my vagina. I wasn't told that that was wrong. When I was about eight years

01:18old, another parent didn't come and join, which is classified as a step parent. And I remember

01:24there wasn't a door on the room. There was this particular day I begin to get beaten. I can't tell

01:33you what I've done, but according to my mom, she said she caught me keeping through the door. I was

01:41beaten so badly that the day when I managed to go to school, it was so bad that I couldn't,

01:49I couldn't

01:49keep my head up that day. So I had to, I was in so much pain. I had to keep

01:55my head down. So I literally

01:57couldn't learn anything. As they say, I wasn't a bright child. So I was already wasn't able to learn much

02:05according to what I was told and how I was treated. So no one knew, no one noticed, no one

02:12said anything.

02:14We carried on. I had to look after my siblings. It was always that I, I was more of a

02:20Cinderella.

02:21I learned to wash the dishes, clean the floor, go to shop. So I always did that from a very

02:29early age.

02:30I remember one of the most severe time was there was an injury to my mom finger from work. My

02:38brother

02:39at the time was, wasn't well. And so he needed to go to the doctors and I had to take

02:47him at nine

02:48years old. I remember walking along the street, a lot of people was coming out and was looking at me,

02:55was kind of cheering me on, like, well done for doing that. You know, you're a good girl,

03:01et cetera. So I was about 10 when I moved to that new community. I remember living in that yard

03:10and

03:10there was this woman, she had a dad. So he was maybe from the looks of it, maybe in his

03:17sixties or

03:17something like that. And there was a outside bathroom. And every time I would have a shower

03:24outside, he would always, I would always catch him just standing there and just watching me.

03:30And I remember there was a couple of times he would touch on my breath. I didn't take it for

03:36nothing because I was never taught about any kind of privacy or body safety. It was always a beating.

03:44There was never a time when I've been spoken to. It would, if it's not a beating, it's a curse

03:52word.

03:53I then had a friend who she was around the same age as me. I would get a beating if

03:59my mom catches

04:00me with her. There was this particular incident, something to do with money. Someone broke her house

04:07and took her money, some armed robbers. After the incident, my mom blamed me and said, it was me.

04:15Those guys who came to rob her, those were my men. I'm with them. I'm sleeping with them. I used

04:23to

04:24argue with my stepdad that he's not my father. And I remember there was particular day I was washing

04:32some clothing. He must have said something. And when he said it, I said, you're not my dad.

04:38And he got a machete and he started to beat me with it. And that was it. There was no

04:45care for me.

04:46And I noticed he never hit his child, never hit him. Not once. I never saw him. He had permission

04:55to beat me. It didn't cut me, but he would hold it in a way where somebody would use the

05:01palm of their hand. So rather doing chopping motion, he would use it as a belt to slap me with

05:09it.

05:10Nothing came of it. My mother never said anything. There was an Easter holiday coming up. And I

05:16remember my mom saying that she's going to send me to my aunt's for the Easter holiday. And till today,

05:25that holiday hasn't ended. My mother literally tricked me into sending me away. A particular night,

05:33I must have fell asleep. I was laying on my back. And she said, the way how you're lying on

05:40your back

05:41sleeping, there is a whole heap of wood waiting for you. So let me break that down in English turn.

05:49The way I'm laying on my back, there is a whole heap of penis waiting for me. I didn't get

05:55it. It didn't

05:56make sense to me. But when she took me to my aunt's, my aunt had a partner at the time.

06:04And I remember

06:05my mom standing in front of my aunt, that man, he was somewhat a stranger to me. I wasn't close

06:15to him.

06:16So he was still a stranger. And I remember her words was that she take white fall blood.

06:24You know, the chickens that, that they raise to grow so they can sell them.

06:30And she said, she'd take that and wash her hands of me in front of my aunt and this gentleman.

06:38I didn't notice later, he would somewhat be nice to me. So he would give me things.

06:46When the ice cream man's coming, you know, you will give me some money to go and get it.

06:53Stuff that young girls would want. Over about two years, he would do these things. Anytime I'm in the

07:00shower, he would come and he will stand there. So I remember, um, as he, he, he did that over,

07:08over a period of time, he started to say stuff like, oh, you are not a virgin.

07:15Look how much boys around you. Well, I didn't know that kind of statement was someone lighting

07:22you up, preparing you for what's coming next. As soon as I touched 14, he just backed me down

07:29one day in my auntie's room underground and he took my innocence away from me. It would happen

07:37every day and every night. So he wouldn't leave me alone, but I would try and say something to my

07:44auntie. Like, what is it I'm dealing with? And I know she used to run me away. Like, leave me

07:50alone.

07:50It then set the stage for what happened next. I'm definitely alone. I realized that no one's gonna

07:58save me. I was in that same age bracket 14 when it happened and he would have sex with me

08:06before I

08:07go to school and he would do it when I, in the night. So there would be ways how he

08:12would sneak in

08:13the room. My cousins will be in the same room with me, but no one saw. And I couldn't speak

08:22because also

08:23he was somewhat, some kind of rebel. You know, he had a machine gun or he had guns. So even

08:32if I had

08:33tried to speak up, it means I'm potentially at risk. So I wouldn't have said anything. Things got really

08:41bad because I even start to feel more detached from self. I never had any connection with me.

08:50Growing up, I also really and truly hated myself because I used to think that I was ugly. You know,

08:57I never liked my skin. I used to think that something is wrong with me. That was how I saw

09:04me. And so

09:06when things got to what it got to, I started to fight a lot. I fought a lot in school.

09:14So it was always

09:15anger, aggression, stuff. And I remember there was this particular day I went to school and I got in a

09:23fight and the head teacher said, I'm tired of seeing you in my office. That hit me. And I took

09:31my stuff

09:31and I left the school and I never went back. My aunt and her partner at the time said to

09:38me that I can't

09:40stay in their house. If I'm not going to school, I had to start finding my way out. So as

09:46I started to

09:47sleep with people for finance, sleep with people for money. So it doesn't matter how small it was,

09:55I will do it just so I can help myself to buy my books, you know, for my travels, whatever

10:01I needed.

10:02I think it was enough to bear on my own. And I started to smoke from cigarettes. You often time

10:11elevate, you know, you get to something stronger to ease and to soon those years of trauma and pain.

10:19And so I started to smoke eventually. And obviously it takes, you have to pay for it.

10:27So you're going to have to find a way to get it. Eventually I started to drink as well. Those

10:34two

10:34combining together, I was extremely numb to the core. So when I would have lay with anyone or do

10:43whatever they asked me to do for money, I wouldn't have felt anything. I was literally numb to the core.

10:51As I continued that journey, it continued. And I would say what my mother, I call it a curse.

10:59What she did place on me that day, eventually came to pass. I didn't understand at first, but

11:07as things go on by, and over the years, I look and see how it happened. I can see. And

11:15there's a key

11:16thing that I observed. And I still know till this day, the same age where my mom told me that

11:26she got

11:27raped is exactly the same year, age. I too got raped. And to me, that's folk volume. Like I've got

11:38a

11:38daughter and I would have never allowed her to fall in that trap. Like I would have done anything

11:48to make sure. And from a very early age, I started to educate my, my daughter, you know, like, don't

11:56you

11:57sit on someone, no one allowed to touch you stuff like that, you know, just to not to let that

12:03happen.

12:04Because it is scary. It makes you feel like literally because you can't feel anything. So

12:16I would lay with somebody for money to buy whatever, maybe it's food or for travels or clothes, whatever.

12:25And I will see the same person the next day or two days later. And I will walk past them

12:32like they're

12:33nobody, like they don't exist. Because I wasn't able to connect with anybody. You know, I was so lost.

12:42Another thing that, that really gets me is that before it got to that, no one said anything,

12:51no family, no aunties, none of them spoke up and say, look, the way you're treating this child is wrong.

13:00No one said anything. I don't hate her. I'm actually sorry for her. This is why I come to the

13:09understanding that enough is enough. I'm not going to be like her. Because I was heading towards that

13:17same path. So years, I would suffer, struggle with my mental health. So for a good, I would say

13:24the worst part was for a good, maybe about 15 years of my life. I was in a cycle, unwell,

13:33over and over,

13:34couldn't get well. So even if I was well for six months, I would fall unwell again. So things just

13:41wouldn't stabilize in my life. I didn't know that it was all the years of abuse. I, I initially,

13:50and, and, and, and most of the people who came in contact with me, they judged me a lot. That

13:57started to manifest when I had my first child at 21. When my mom gave me away to my aunts,

14:05I remember that it was a seven year period where she did nothing for me. She, she would never bought

14:14me underwear. She never checked if I'm going to school. There was nothing. It was like I never

14:22existed. So after that seven year period and all that I've been through sleeping around for money,

14:29all this kind of stuff, I heard she was coming to the UK and I, I left from the city

14:36where I was

14:37living in to go and see her in another city where she was living in just so I could give

14:42her the last

14:4320 pounds I had. I was still, that child still trying to, still trying to, trying to get some acceptance,

14:54you know, I remember it was the last 20 pounds. I said, if I send it to Western Union, it's

15:02not

15:02going to be 20 pounds anymore. So I'm going to have to try and get the money, go down there

15:08and give it

15:09to her. Cause I said, at least once you reach, she can use it to buy a phone card to

15:15call to say she got

15:16their safe. I believe also that was a scene that I sold on a different, on a spiritual level

15:24without even knowing. Cause after that seven year period of that turmoil life, I did accomplish quite

15:33a lot. I would say cause I was working for a hotel. I did got my first level, my level

15:40one

15:40qualification. I had that determination. I wanted to improve myself. So I then came to the UK and that

15:49was another hell. I was going for a lot through the passing through immigration. It was a lot of

15:55back and forth and issues that arise. They didn't want to let me in. They literally gave me a no

16:02entry,

16:03which is 24 hours in the country. Stuff happened, really, really dangerous stuff happened, but I was

16:12able to get through it and starting to figure it out. And eventually I was able to achieve and to

16:21accomplish my right to live in the country, to be able to obtain my citizenship. And I did it all

16:27single handed without her help. I would say God never left my side. That was the only thing I had.

16:34I didn't have an identity. I didn't have any confidence, self-worth. What was that? I didn't

16:43know what that looked like, what that meant. In my relationship I had with my children's father,

16:49I would sometime get so unwell, little things, and I will get, I will be angry. I'll be aggressive.

16:57I'll want to fight him. You know, I will smash something. You know, I will probably want to go

17:03away. You know, I will drink. I will get really drunk or want to fight. So when things will happen

17:12like that, the police would get involved. Sometimes I will call them or someone else would call them.

17:20Social services was in my life for a good nine years, 10 year period. So they would

17:26be involved because I will get unwell. And so things will happen and back and forth, back and forth.

17:34And so they will always refer me to some kind of family therapy, family counseling. So, and then I

17:42would start to do individual counseling. So it started to bring some awareness, you know,

17:48and what's really going on. Cause I never understood that all of this was connected.

17:54And over time I started to read and hear people talk about trauma and, and the effects and impacts,

18:04you know, stuff like, I remember there was a time I, I, um, attempted to take myself away,

18:11take my life was several times prior. But this particular time, I remember from that,

18:18it caused, um, the same social services to get involved. And I remember it was so horrific that

18:28I was told if anything happened again, we're going to take the children. And I believe that

18:36was a wake up call to start properly healing myself because I love my children. And I've always loved

18:46them. I, I never not wanted them. So for them, I was willing to do whatever it takes. So I

18:54started to

18:55do CBD therapy. And I remember my mother came up in it a lot, but still there was no connection.

19:04No one understood what I was saying because it was all peace, peace, peace, peace. And also I believe

19:11my then partner, he somewhat presented a lot similar to my mom. And so I felt like I was dealing

19:19with the

19:20same person all, all over again. So I couldn't have a peace. I was very unhappy. So I would still

19:28hide. I would smoke. I would drink stuff like that. From that, I remember learning how to sit to what

19:36I felt. I had severe anxiety. So I was always on edge. So by the time, some people would say

19:43on a

19:43scale of one to 10, but I was always at 10. So the minute something happened, I'm out, I'm ready.

19:50You know, I'm, I'm yelling, I'm screaming. I'm, I'm angry. I'm aggressive. You know,

19:57I'm violent as they would say, but just didn't understand. So she started telling me to sit with

20:04how I'm feeling and let it pass. But still that after a certain time, I learned that technique and I

20:11started to sit with it. I started to sit with it. Well, it still didn't fully bring clarity.

20:18But I remember I start getting dreams and visions and I tried to connect or get closer to God in

20:27order to help me. I wanted to change. I needed to figure out what was wrong with me. And I

20:36remember

20:36just going in little, little courses, more courses, more reading, you know, just listening to different

20:45things on the social media, when people talking about trauma, no, what is this trauma? You know,

20:52stuff like that. For years, I started to buy books. One of my favorite is nurturing resilience.

20:59I started to connect because I realized that it's trauma is not in the mind. It's, it's also,

21:09it's more so in the body. So all those years of can't cry, can't express self, all of those being

21:18beaten, not being heard, not being loved, no kindness, no gentleness, all of those damage the

21:26organs in the body. And so you're in a frozen state because initially my outlook was mental health.

21:36I saw that I was mentally unwell, not understanding that that wasn't the ill, that wasn't the problem.

21:44It was a trauma that was presenting or coming out from that aspect. And so, um, I, I remember I,

21:54I,

21:54I, so that was one of my, my favorite books. Then eventually I started to work in, in mental health

22:03recovery. So that kind of, kind of helped me to swing a bit deeper, not only just mental health on

22:11surface, but I started to understand the different symptoms, the different diagnosis. And, and as I

22:19worked in that environment, I'm then observing others, there were similarities between us, even

22:26though the stories weren't the same. And I start learning about the somatic and about the nervous

22:32system and understanding how different organs holds trauma and how it plays out in our everyday life,

22:42in our health, in our health, in how we respond and relate. I stopped being ashamed. I stopped worrying

22:49about what other people think about me. And also there was one thing I gathered in all of what I

22:56learned was self-compassion. So even if it's the worst situation, I'm learning to say, Hey Viv,

23:05you're going to be okay, girl, you've got this, you know, I love you. I learned to start saying,

23:10I love myself. I learned to be kind to myself. I had a journal that when I was unwell,

23:17I would write things, horrible things about myself. And I remember when I started to heal,

23:24I would go to that journal and I will cross out all the thing that I said negative and I

23:31start to

23:31replace them underneath it. I would write some nice things about myself. And I would start

23:38look in the mirror where I used to say, I hate you. I start to look and I say, Hey,

23:45you know how beautiful you are. I love you. You know, you're such a special person.

23:50So I begin to say things to myself that I would have wanted somebody else to say to me and

23:56didn't

23:56got it. I would say I'm definitely successful because I'm able to be a hundred times over a

24:04better mom than I was raised with, you know, and also my children, they too can say, mom, you know,

24:14you come a long way. They were a part of the journey. I was that person who was judged. I

24:22was

24:22misunderstood. And so I don't, it doesn't matter. I've said it to women who's around and about me.

24:29It doesn't matter what you tell me. You can never get me to look down on you. I will always

24:36help you

24:37up. And if I can't do anything, just know that I'm here for you. If you or anyone is experiencing

24:47any kind of trauma, pain, abuse, do not keep it to yourself because it doesn't get any better

24:55on your own. Find someone you can trust and speak to them. If you don't, if you don't know anyone

25:03you

25:03can trust, find a stranger, talk to them and leave. Someone told me about that story years ago.

25:09If you have troubles, just find somebody in a part, just share, say everything you want to say,

25:17because you don't know them. And then you can leave, but make sure you don't keep it to yourself

25:22because keeping it to yourself doesn't help. And also you are not alone. I can tell you,

25:31there is a tribe out there waiting to just celebrate you and empower you, encourage you,

25:40and just live with you. You know, you are, you are more love, more wanting, more desired

25:48than you can ever know. You are special. You are unique.

Category

Transcript

Recommended