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00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Comedians!
00:42A fellow stood at this pub bar pulling his face.
00:46The bloke says, what are you pulling your face for? You look miserable.
00:48He said, the doctor's given me six months to live.
00:50He said, well, they soon pass.
01:00A fellow walking down the street says, hello, Charlie! Hello!
01:03He says, don't shout. Don't shout.
01:05Just got a new deaf-aid. Big as a pinhead.
01:09Fits right in your ear. Just like having your own ear in back.
01:14He says, how much was it? Half past two.
01:23Woman, pathological bingo player. Couldn't resist bingo.
01:26Eyes down, looking. Three and nine, all the sixes. Seventy-two, ninety-eight.
01:30All the sevens, nine.
01:32Played bingo. Every afternoon she played bingo.
01:34Four o'clock religiously. She was a good Catholic.
01:36Played bingo. Sat there. Felt it pain. Crossed her legs.
01:38Dipped her bread in. Atty. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:43And her husband died. He was now finished. Gone. Stiff. Finished.
01:49And she said, oh! She says, they'll have to have him sorted out.
01:53So she went to the chromatia. Kim, Toria, come. Torium.
01:57Where'd they burn her? And she...
02:01She said to the fella, he was standing there, he was in the reception.
02:05Where'd they welcome him?
02:07He was standing there with his asbestos apron on, because it's warm.
02:10And...
02:17She said, my husband's now, he's gone.
02:19Finished.
02:22Could you possibly sort him out?
02:23He said, yes, we can sort him out tomorrow afternoon at four o'clock.
02:26She said, well, I can't come up four o'clock tomorrow afternoon.
02:28I'm playing bingo. Could you put him on the low light till five?
02:31Get off.
02:32Finished.
02:34Eh?
02:36Eh, you're grand.
02:37Eh, you're lovely.
02:39Ah, I love you.
02:40The fella went to the doctor, it's perfectly true, is this of life.
02:42The fella went to the doctor, the doctor said, could he examine me,
02:44because my system's all gone barresque, he said.
02:46He said, I can't... I don't...
02:49It's not working.
02:52Everything's gone wrong.
02:53He said, I don't know where to turn.
02:55Ye verily come to me.
02:56He didn't know where to turn.
02:57And the doctor said, he examined him.
02:59He went, oh, thank you.
03:00He did all of it.
03:04He said, cough.
03:04Say 99.
03:05He said, one, two, three.
03:06He said, I've read about it.
03:06He said, what you'll have to do, he said, you'll have to stop smoking,
03:15stop drinking, stop bothering with women.
03:16He said, will I live longer?
03:17He said, no, but it'll seem like it.
03:19I'll live longer.
03:20I'll just go live longer.
03:29Fella phoned up the coloured people's home.
03:35He said, is that the black fella's home?
03:38He said, I beg your pardon.
03:40He said, you mustn't say things like that.
03:42This is the coloured folks' home.
03:44He said, I want the black people's home.
03:46Is that the black fella's home?
03:47He said, this is the coloured people's home.
03:49Oh, he said, I've got the wrong place then.
03:51I wanted to donate 40,000 quid to the black fellas.
03:55He said, this is the big black fella speaking.
03:57What do you want?
04:04Let's have a look at this over here now.
04:06What can we see?
04:06Oh, this Irish, this is a true story.
04:07This Irish fella.
04:09He'd been navigating for 40 years on the road gangs.
04:14He said, well, he said, mate, it's no use.
04:17I'm going to apply for a job, one of those white-collar jobs.
04:22I'll apply for a job as a research chemist at the ICI.
04:28His mate said, are you bright enough?
04:30He said, of course I'm bright.
04:32I wrote the letter right away.
04:35He wrote that.
04:35He said, just a minute, could you help me here, Pat?
04:38How do you spell ICI?
04:47A fella went round to Enoch Powell's house.
04:53And he said, I'm looking for work.
04:57Can they do your garden or any odd jobs round the house?
05:02Oh, he said, yeah, he said, I'll give you a job.
05:05He said, but you'll have to change your boots.
05:06He said, your boots are in a terrible state.
05:08All his toes were hanging out of his boots, love.
05:11And the sole was hanging off, like flapping, like a tongue.
05:18You ever seen that, love, have you?
05:21He said, I'll give you a job, son.
05:23He said, but you'll have to get a pair of new boots.
05:25He said, I can't afford another pair of boots.
05:27He said, I've got a lot of commitments and I've got no money.
05:30He said, well, you go down to the town centre and mention my name
05:35and he'll give you the pair of boots on the weekly.
05:37Pay half a crown a week and you're laughing.
05:40He said, I can't afford half a crown a week.
05:42He said, I've got a lot of debts and a lot of kids.
05:46He said, well, you can't work for me with boots like that.
05:48He said, you can have the job but get a good pair of boots.
05:51So the fellow was walking away from Enoch's house
05:54with a face as long as a gas man's back.
06:01And Enoch Powell called him back.
06:04Go here, son, he said.
06:06And he put his hand in his back pocket
06:08and he took out a wallet.
06:12Choked a donkey.
06:16And he pulled out a big pad of nuts.
06:20Peeled off the elastic band.
06:21He said, put that down the toe of your boot.
06:23It'll stop it flapping.
06:32I want you to try to imagine it became the Vatican Square.
06:36Hundred thousand Italians.
06:39All waiting for the Pope to come out.
06:41And the Pope comes out of his little pigeon hole at the top.
06:44He shouted out,
06:46Anybody want to play dominoes?
06:50And all the Italians shouted back,
06:52We all want to play dominoes.
06:56The Pope said, Brother Italians,
06:59Today I have received a letter from the President of the United States of America.
07:04And in this letter he said he wants the next man on the moon
07:07to be an Italian for the glory of Rome and the glory of Italy.
07:18What I intend to do, Brother Italians,
07:20is to pluck a feather from the dove of peace.
07:23Drop it over the balcony.
07:25Balcony.
07:26Good daddy.
07:32Whosoever the feather touches will be the next man on the moon.
07:35And all the Italians went,
07:36Whaaay!
07:38Whaaay!
07:42Whaaay!
07:42The Pope got hold of a dove,
07:45plucked a feather right out of its bum.
07:47Wallet!
07:49Dove went,
07:49Turn it in.
07:52English dove, see.
07:58And he dropped the feather over the balcony and the Pope started to pray.
08:01Whaaay!
08:02Whaaay!
08:03Whaaay!
08:05When he finished praying,
08:07he looked over the balcony
08:08and there's a hundred thousand Italians going,
08:14Whaaay!
08:14Whaaay!
08:14Whaaay!
08:14Whaaay!
08:22Whaaay!
08:23Whaaay!
08:24Whaaay!
08:24Whaaay!
08:25Whaaay!
08:25Morfiay!
08:25Morfiay!
08:26In case they are talking in the building site,
08:27Murphy says to Casey,
08:28he says,
08:28Hey, I hear there's gonna be a bit of redundancy.
08:31Casey says,
08:32How much of us says are gonna be made redundant?
08:34Morfee says,
08:35About sixty percent.
08:37Casey says,
08:37I didn't think that many people worked here.
08:46Murphy's up in court
08:47for throwing a brick
08:48in a jeweller's window
08:50and the judge says
08:51what have you got to say for yourself
08:52Murphy says
08:52how was I to know
08:53the fly was on the inside
09:01he took his dog to the park
09:03during the winter
09:03put a pair of ice skates on it
09:05and he said to the park attendants
09:07to see
09:07is it alright
09:07if I let me dog skate on the lake
09:09and the attendant says
09:11well it's alright
09:11providing it's thick enough
09:12Murphy says
09:13oh it's thick enough
09:14it's an Irish wolfhound
09:21this polar mine
09:22he'd got
09:23he'd had this eye
09:24knocked out
09:25in a fight
09:26and he went to this car
09:27and he said
09:28look
09:28can you make me
09:29an eye
09:30to see me through the weekend
09:36so I said
09:37certainly
09:38you're the one I care for
09:43he said
09:44look
09:44I've got a piece of mahogany
09:45here
09:49and he carved him
09:50a mahogany eye
09:52he painted it
09:53he polished it
09:54he even drilled a hole
09:55so he could see through it
10:01and he fitted it for him
10:03and he went to this dance
10:04and he saw this girl
10:05he walked across the dance floor
10:07a real
10:07it was a wallflower she was
10:10ugly pig she was
10:14he walked across
10:14and he winked at her
10:15with his mahogany eye
10:19he said
10:20would you like to dance with me
10:21she said
10:21oh would I
10:22I took good night
10:24thank you
10:26I took good night
12:29I'm glad you're nice because I don't usually get nice audiences.
12:33Go on, you can say it.
12:35I'll start off today with an apology, really.
12:38I must apologise if you can't tell half of what I'm saying, because as you must be able
12:42to tell, I'm sniffing up and I'm talking down my nose and I've got a terrible cold.
12:48I haven't, I'm fed up.
12:52I have, I've just been to Spain, that's where I got it.
12:54Everybody comes back, it's true, everybody comes back with guitars and posters of bullfights.
12:59Do you know what I come back with?
13:00A boil.
13:03Did on me bottom.
13:06I went to doctors, I said, I have a boil on me bottom.
13:09And he said, well, the best way to cure a boil on your bottom is with a tea leaf poultice.
13:14I said, what do I do with that?
13:15He said, you get a teapot, empty all the tea leaves into your hand and then you slap them
13:20on the affected part.
13:21That was me bottom.
13:23He said, then you leave them overnight to go hard and come and see me the next day.
13:29So I did all that, went to see him, he said, have you put them tea leaves on your boil
13:32on
13:32your bottom?
13:32And I said, yes.
13:33He said, are they still there?
13:35I said, yes.
13:36He said, well, take your pants down.
13:37And I did.
13:38He said, now bend over.
13:39And I did.
13:40I said, what do you think, doctor?
13:42And he bent down and he said, yes, you're going on a long journey.
13:55This golfer went up to the professional at the clubhouse.
13:57He says, I want to play a game with you.
13:59I'm a bit handy with the clubs.
14:00And the professional says, when would you like to play?
14:01He says, well, I could play tomorrow morning, eight o'clock.
14:04Will that be all right?
14:04The professional says, that'll be fine.
14:06The fellow says, well, I may be a little bit late, but don't worry about it.
14:09I'll get here.
14:09But he arrived at eight o'clock sharp, went out, give the professional a terrible hammering.
14:13Oh, beat him out of sight on the course.
14:15He says, that was a fantastic game.
14:17He says, I'll have to play you again tomorrow.
14:18The fellow says, well, I'll be here at eight o'clock, but I might be a little bit late.
14:21The professional says, that's all right.
14:23I'll wait for you.
14:23He got there eight o'clock sharp again, went out.
14:25This time he played left-handed and gave the professional another lesson.
14:29The following day, he says to the fellow, I want to play another game of golf.
14:32He says, I'll be up eight o'clock tomorrow morning.
14:33He says, but I may be a little bit late.
14:36I'll say, it's all right.
14:36I'll wait for you.
14:37He got up eight o'clock sharp again, went out right-handed and beat him again.
14:40The professional says, that's fantastic.
14:42One day you play right-handed.
14:43The other day you play left-handed.
14:44Now you're back again playing right-handed.
14:45What makes you change your mind?
14:46The fellow says, well, when I'm waking up in the morning, I take a look at the wife.
14:51If she's lying on her right side, I play right-handed.
14:54And if she's lying on her left side, I play left-handed.
14:57The professional says, well, what happens if she's lying on her back?
15:00I'll say, that's when I might be a little bit late.
15:09Howard Hughes phoned up from America to London.
15:12He said, I'm coming to London.
15:14I'm coming for a year.
15:15I don't want anybody to know that I'm there.
15:17I don't want ever to appear on television.
15:20I don't want ever to appear on the radio.
15:22I don't want to be seen in any newspapers.
15:24And I don't want anybody to know that I exist.
15:27So they put me in touch with my agent.
15:36My friend, I saw this little boy.
15:38He was crying.
15:39And he said, what are you crying for?
15:40He said, it's my birthday.
15:42He said, well, you shouldn't cry on your birthday.
15:45He said, I can't help crying.
15:48Well, he said, haven't you got any presents?
15:49He says, yes.
15:50My mother's bought me a football.
15:52And my father's bought me some football boots.
15:55My granny's bought me a football shirt.
15:58Margaret, and my grandfather's bought me some shorts.
16:01And I got a lovely birthday cake, and all the kids are coming to the party.
16:05He said, well, what are you crying for?
16:06He said, I'm lost.
16:14This old fellow's on his deathbed there.
16:16He says, Margaret, I'm going.
16:21I'll leave 5,000 to our Charlie, 10,000 to our Alf, and 4,000 to our Maggie.
16:29He says, you haven't got two rob to run together.
16:31He said, my cigarette coupon's your book.
16:43I called to be local tonight in Liverpool for the glass of bitter.
16:46And the manager said to me, Eddie, why don't you come in here regular like you used to and play
16:51darts with your wife?
16:54I said, her head's gone blunt.
17:06And he was, he was looking dead miserable, you know.
17:11I said, what's wrong?
17:11He said, well, somebody stole the coloured television out of the lounge last night.
17:16I said, well, I'm not surprised.
17:17You put up what everybody could say.
17:27Hey, you know, years ago, you know, years ago, when he used to, you know, before the young fellas were
17:35murder,
17:38and he used to chop their heads off.
17:41This fella was there, you know, blindfolded, his hands behind his back like that, you know.
17:50And got to about quarter nine, you know, and the warden says, er, the warden says, it looks as though
17:57the executioner's going to be late.
17:58You might as well take a walk around the block.
18:08A fella driving down the road, a copper pulled him up, he said, you know, your wife fell out of
18:11the car half a mile back.
18:12He said, thank God for that, I thought I'd gone to death.
18:21This Irish fella was, er, this Irish fella was swimming the channel, and he got 50 yards in France, and
18:32his arms were half-hating.
18:36He said to the fella on the boat, he won't make it.
18:39So he swam back.
18:51Well, I like the one about the Irish lorry driver, drove his lorry over a cliff to test the air
18:54brakes.
19:03Pakistani walked in the bank, he says, I want to cash your cheque, please.
19:06He said, will you sign the bank?
19:06He says, oh, no, no, no.
19:08I want to sign the front like the Englishman.
19:10He said, no, you've got to sign the back.
19:12He said, I sign the front like the Englishman, or I go in the bank across the road.
19:16He said, well, you've got to sign the back.
19:18Well, thank you very much, he says.
19:19Don't you bother.
19:21Go to the bank across the road, behind the counter, ex-First Airborne Division Sergeant, like that.
19:29He said, good morning, what do you want?
19:30He said, I want to cash your cheque, please.
19:32He said, sign the back.
19:33He said, I want to sign the front like the Englishman.
19:35He said, sign the back.
19:39He said, I want to sign...
19:40He said, get it signed.
19:42Now sign the back.
19:45So he signed the back and he gave him the money.
19:48A week after, he's in the first bank again.
19:50He said, good morning, sir, did you get that cheque cashed?
19:52Oh, he said, yes, I cashed it in the bank across the road.
19:55He said, do you sign the back?
19:56He said, oh, I signed the back.
19:57He said, that's all you'd have to.
19:58He says, yes, but you didn't explain like the gentleman.
20:09The wife's just come back off a world cruise, you know.
20:12I said, what was it like?
20:13She says, ah.
20:19She said, I wouldn't go again.
20:20I want to go somewhere else, you know.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:38This Irish fella worked in Ford's car factory.
20:43Now and again.
20:49And he went on strike one day.
20:53And he got home about, say, 11 o'clock in the morning.
20:56And couldn't see his missus anyway.
20:59So he dashed upstairs.
21:01And she was in bed with this fella.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:04So he dashed to the wardrobe.
21:06And he got a big revolver out.
21:08And he put it to his head.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:12And his wife started laughing.
21:15LAUGHTER
21:16He said, what are you laughing at?
21:17You're next.
21:18LAUGHTER
21:33Fella gets on a bus.
21:35Fella gets on a bus.
21:36And the bus conductor's hobbling up the bus like this.
21:40This fella says to him, what are you walking like that for?
21:42And he said, it's these shoes.
21:43The two sides is too small.
21:45He said, well, why didn't you get some that fit you?
21:47And he said, why don't you mind your own business?
21:49LAUGHTER
21:51He said, well, if you've got some shoes that fit you, they wouldn't hurt you.
21:53He said, why don't you mind your own business?
21:55He said, well, I'm just trying to help you out and you could do your job easy.
21:58He said, just mind your own business.
22:00He said, I'll tell you why I wear these shoes too small.
22:03Six weeks ago, my wife left me, ran off with a milkman,
22:07left me with 14 kids, took all the savings,
22:10left HP debts everywhere,
22:12and in six weeks' time, I'm being made redundant.
22:15And when I get home at night and take these shoes off,
22:17it's the only bit of pleasure I get.
22:21APPLAUSE
22:27I said, we all have our share of bad luck.
22:31I mean, if I was one of Raquel Welch's triplets,
22:33I'd be the one on the bottle.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:46Charlie was ill, his wife was worried,
22:47so she went downstairs and she rang Fred up.
22:49She said, Fred, would you come over and cheer Charlie up?
22:51I think he's not long for this world.
22:53LAUGHTER
22:55So Fred came over.
22:56She said, just go upstairs, because the doctor just told me,
22:59and he'd soon be...
23:02So I went upstairs to Fred, he walked into the attic,
23:04and there he was, lying on the bed, Charlie.
23:06He said, how are you, Charlie?
23:07Oh, he said, I'm not...
23:08No, I'm not...
23:09LAUGHTER
23:11He said, you're all right.
23:12He said, you've plenty of colour there.
23:13He was cheering them up.
23:14He said, you have lovely colour.
23:15He said, I'll tell you what I'll do.
23:16He said, I'll go out tonight.
23:17He said, I'll get some tickets for the match on Saturday.
23:19Cup tie.
23:19He said, you'll be fit for Saturday.
23:21You know how they do.
23:22You'll be fit for Saturday.
23:22You're all right, grand.
23:23You're looking well.
23:24And on his way out, he banged his head on the door.
23:26He said, they'll never get your coffin out of here.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:47The comedians tonight were Jim Bowen,
23:52Jimmy Marshall,
23:54Joss White,
23:56Mike Reed,
23:58Pat Mooney,
24:01Eddie Flanagan,
24:02Bernard Manning,
24:05Bryn Phillips,
24:07and Sid Francis.
24:10APPLAUSE
24:21APPLAUSE
24:22They were gone.
24:24They were gone.
24:27The
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