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00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedian!
00:43Give us, I went to this little shop the other day, I went to this shop and I couldn't see
00:47anybody serving, so I looked behind a counter and there was a pygmy.
00:50I looked behind another counter and there was a midget. I went and looked behind another counter and there was
00:53another little fella.
00:54So I went up to the manager and I said, what's going on? I said, all the fellas, behind the
00:58counters, I can't see them.
00:59He said, we're short-staffed.
01:03That's not bad.
01:06There's a fella who lived nine doors from me, he's got eight kids and ate an awful lot of chicken,
01:11especially chicken legs and he breeds hens.
01:15And one day he had a marvellous ideal.
01:19He thought to himself, if I cross one of my hens with an octopus, I might get a chicken with
01:24eight legs.
01:25And he tried it and believe it or not, it worked.
01:29And two weeks went by and his next door neighbour said to him, he said, how do you go on
01:31with your experiment?
01:32He said, marvellous. I've got 60 chickens with eight legs.
01:35His neighbour said, what do they taste like?
01:36He said, I don't know.
01:38I can't catch them.
01:46One night, about 12 o'clock, right on top of this Mendip hill, this shepherd was stood there with his
01:53sheep, minding his own business.
01:55When all of a sudden, from the sky, came a fella in a parachute and he dropped right on top
02:01of this Mendip hill.
02:02And he was a Russian.
02:04In fact, he was a Russian spy.
02:07So this shepherd walked up to this Russian spy and he said, hello.
02:14Who are you?
02:17I mean, we don't see many people here.
02:19I'm usually here on my own with my sheep and they're ever so nice, especially him.
02:28The fella said, I'm a Russian.
02:30Oh, he said, I'm taking me time.
02:37He said, but I am a Russian spy.
02:40Oh, he said, are you?
02:43My dad was a spy in the Mint.
02:45He was a Mint spy.
02:48He was a Mint.
02:55He said, I'm ever so pleased to see you, because you're ever so nice, you know, a Russian spy and
02:58everything.
02:58He said, you shouldn't be pleased to see me.
03:00I'm a Russian spy.
03:02He said, well, you know what they say.
03:04Red spy at night.
03:06Shepherd's delight.
03:16I saw this lady and she was walking along.
03:18And this fella was walking along behind her and he kept following her and she turned around and she said,
03:27what are you following me for?
03:29And he said, I, you know.
03:34So, she went, she said, go away.
03:41So, anyway, she walked along a bit farther and he followed her and she said, if you don't stop following
03:47me, I'll call a policeman.
03:49Why are you following me?
03:50And he went, you know.
03:54So, she told this policeman, she said, that man keeps following me.
03:57He said, leave it to me, miss.
03:59I'll sort him out.
04:02So, he said, I'm taking you to the police station.
04:05He said, all right, copper.
04:10Take it.
04:12So, I took him to the police station and they put him in court and the judge said, why was
04:18you following that lady?
04:19And he said, ha, ha, you know.
04:23So, the judge said, five years in prison.
04:25He said, what for?
04:27He said, ha, ha, ha, ha, you know.
04:37I'm too good for this place.
04:40I see, I see that they've, Manchester City and United have been given cigarette lighters because they keep losing the
04:47matches.
04:47Ah!
04:54Hey, what about that fellow swimming in infested, shark-infested waters?
04:59And there was lots of sharks there as well.
05:02And they, oh, but this, but they never touched him.
05:06And the captain on this ship was passing just by luck.
05:11And he said, um, get him out for heaven's sake.
05:15Or worse to that effect.
05:21So, before those sharks get him as well, so they pulled him out and he said, thanks.
05:27And, er, he had this big tattoo on his chest and, er, it said, City and United, or City or
05:40United for the cup or both.
05:45And this fellow said, I wonder why the sharks didn't eat him.
05:49And the captain said, well, even the sharks won't swallow that.
05:52Ah!
05:59My favourite story.
06:01My favourite story.
06:02His little Arab
06:06was walking through the desert with his camel
06:08and all of a sudden a sandstorm blew up
06:11and slowly he was getting buried in the sand with his camel
06:15up to the neck
06:16and just as he was going under
06:18he saw a lamp.
06:19He grabbed it and rubbed.
06:21Ah!
06:21Ah!
06:22And out came a big genie.
06:24Ah!
06:26Ah!
06:26I like doing that.
06:27Ah!
06:29And the genie said, you have three wishes, oh master.
06:32And the Arab thought, get me out of the sand, please.
06:35Big flash.
06:36And out he was from the sand.
06:38He said, two more wishes.
06:39Two more wishes, oh master.
06:44He said, for my second wish, I won water.
06:47For me and my camel, water.
06:49Big flash.
06:50Gallons of water.
06:52He said, one more wish, oh master.
06:55And the Arab thought and he went,
06:57I want all the jewels exterminated.
06:59And there was a big flash.
07:01And he was back to his neck in sand.
07:04Which goes to prove,
07:06you never know where you're going to meet a Jewish genie.
07:17We were talking before about the Jewish football team,
07:19Israel, playing Scotland at Wembley.
07:22Imagine it.
07:23Eh?
07:25Couldn't find a coin to toss up with.
07:31And the referee said, there's a free kick.
07:34One of you said, can we have two?
07:43They've got a football team in Morecambe.
07:47Yeah, I rang up once and said, what time's the kickoff?
07:49They said, what time can you get here?
07:54Nobody goes.
07:57You get to Main Road or Old Trafford at ten to three and you can't get in.
08:00You get to Morecambe's Ground at ten to three, you can get a game.
08:09They've got a competition in the weekly paper called Spot the Crowd.
08:16Put a cross where you think he is.
08:22They're not playing very well, are they?
08:24They got a corner last week and they did a lap of honour.
08:32They weren't doing very well.
08:33The trainer said, I've got a new idea for training you.
08:36He said, what we're going to do is to get you used to the other lot,
08:39the other team.
08:39He says, in the training session, we're going to put 11 dustbins on the pitch
08:43and you can learn to dribble the ball around all the dustbins.
08:46After ten minutes, the dustbins were winning three, one.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:58Doncastle Rovers sold their best player, you know,
09:00to that Italian football team, Juventus,
09:02and Frey Ventus want the rest.
09:04LAUGHTER
09:07I still have to move.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:11Oh, poor old Fred.
09:12I'll tell you about poor Fred.
09:13Everything went wrong for Fred.
09:15All through his life, he couldn't do a thing right.
09:18He forgot to post his pools when he won.
09:22Everything went wrong.
09:23And in the end, he thought he'd cracked it.
09:25He married this beauty queen.
09:26What a lovely girl she was.
09:28Beauty she was.
09:29And he was on the way to Blackpool and he had an accident,
09:31a car smashed, and poor old Fred got killed.
09:35Ah.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:38And he went up to heaven.
09:39He said, Pete, everything's gone wrong for me all through my life.
09:43Everything.
09:44And I've finally cracked it and I've seen this beauty
09:46and I've never even seen her body.
09:48Can I go back and have a look at her?
09:49And he said, no, we can't do that.
09:51No, we don't do that up here.
09:52You're up here to stay now.
09:54He said, just once.
09:55He said, I'll tell you what I'll do.
09:56I'll send you back as a sparrow.
09:59LAUGHTER
10:00So I said, oh, that'll do.
10:01So I sent him back as a sparrow
10:02and he went straight to the hotel where his wife was
10:04and he just got perched on the windowsill.
10:07And he's looking at...
10:08And you know how a sparrow's eyes go when they're excited?
10:10He's going...
10:11LAUGHTER
10:16And she stood there and she took her dress off
10:17and she stood there just in her underskirt
10:19and went...
10:23And she took her underskirt off
10:24and she went...
10:27And she walked right up to the window
10:29and she put her hands behind her back
10:30and she undid her bra strap
10:31and the cat got him.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:34So I used to watch it.
10:35So that he was Darrow.
10:37Abit me!
10:39There!
10:42There!
10:44So Row!
10:45See you!
11:00cał Maodya
12:33He says, well, it wasn't me, teacher.
12:36So she was very upset about this ignorance.
12:38So she asked the father to come in.
12:40Murphy went in to see the teacher.
12:41He says, what's the trouble?
12:42She says, well, I asked your young putty
12:43who knocked down the walls of Jericho
12:45and he said he didn't do it.
12:47So Murphy says, well, he's an honest lad
12:48and if he said he didn't do it,
12:50he didn't do it.
12:54So the teacher was disgusted.
12:56She wrote to the Ministry of Education,
12:57told him the whole story.
12:58She got a letter back the next day
13:00saying, say no more about it.
13:01Just send us the bill and we'll have them repaired.
13:08He went over there.
13:10His youngest son went on, the sky's the limit.
13:13And Spewey Green says to him,
13:17now Murphy, your first question is on mathematics.
13:19What's a cubic foot?
13:21Murphy says, I don't know,
13:22but if it happens to me, I'll put a claim in for it.
13:26Your second question is on chemistry.
13:28What's night rate?
13:29Murphy says, time and a half.
13:33Mrs. Murphy went on, the sky's the limit.
13:35Spewey Green says, now Mrs. Murphy,
13:36for a pound I'd like you to tell me
13:38who was the first man.
13:40She says, I wouldn't tell you that for a thousand pounds.
13:46I must tell you, give me what I tell you.
13:47I must tell you this, I must tell you this.
13:48When Murphy was first,
13:50I was coming over to England a few years ago.
13:51He's walking through the village.
13:52He met Mrs. Dunn, one of the neighbours.
13:54She says, Murphy, I believe you can over to England.
13:56He says, I am Mrs. Dunn.
13:57She says, would you do me a great favour?
13:59She says, my son Willie's been over there
14:00for the last 15 years
14:02and he's never once written home to me.
14:03Would you look him up?
14:04Tell him to write home to his mother.
14:06He says, I'll do that, Mrs. Dunn.
14:07Where does he live?
14:07She says, I have his address here in my handbag.
14:09There it is, Willie Dunn, WC1.
14:12You'll find him easy enough.
14:14It's only a small place.
14:16But he got off the train in Euston station
14:18and he's walking on the platform
14:19and he sees a big sign up that says
14:22WC1, two, three, four, five.
14:24He goes up and he knocks at WC1
14:26and a voice says, what do you want?
14:28And Murphy says, are you done?
14:34And the fellow says, I am.
14:36And Murphy says, well, why the hell
14:37would you write home to your mother?
14:41No, I'll tell you what, though.
14:45I was disappointed today in Manchester
14:47because I come up on the bus, like,
14:49because I come up on the train
14:49and, you know,
14:51and I got the bus round to the studio
14:53and this conductor,
14:54you could tell he was a narc.
14:57He could, you know,
14:58he had a face like a pound of smack tripe.
15:04No, he had a gob on him like a torn pocket.
15:12And he threw this baldy cat off the bus.
15:15Threw this baldy cat off the bus.
15:17I said, what did you do that for?
15:18He said, I had no fear.
15:28But I don't care, you know.
15:33I don't care where you live,
15:34whether you're posh or whether you're poor,
15:36but this happens in every street,
15:37in every town.
15:39You always get one kid,
15:41all your kids hit him.
15:46And this lad lived in Astrid.
15:48He's a proper nice lad.
15:50He called me Uncle Ed.
15:53He said to me seven weeks ago last Tuesday,
15:55he said, Uncle Ed,
15:56can you get me away to see him in the Merchant Navy?
15:58I said, it's a tough life, son.
16:00I said, especially for you speaking through your nose.
16:07So I got him a job on a tanker as a pantry boy.
16:11And they're going across the Atlantic,
16:12a really rough sea.
16:16And the chief steward said,
16:17yeah, son, take the captain's dinner along,
16:19sausage and mash.
16:21He's walking along the deck,
16:22and a big wave came,
16:23and knocked the sausage and mash out of his hand.
16:27He gets to the captain's room.
16:32Knocked it on the door.
16:33The captain said, yes.
16:36He said, human, captain.
16:47There's nothing in the management on the side.
16:55The captain says, you are.
17:00He said, there's nothing in the management on the side.
17:04The captain says, don't be afraid, lad.
17:06Sing out.
17:22All this talk about oysters making you sexy
17:24is not true, you know.
17:26I had a dozen last night,
17:28and only five of them worked.
17:35That's the way I tell them, isn't it?
17:38This woman got into bed one night,
17:40and she had all her clothes on.
17:41This woman got into bed one night,
17:43and she was naked.
17:45Well, she had her earrings on.
17:48And she's waking up the next morning,
17:49and she was fully clothed.
17:50And she said, help!
17:51I've been draped!
17:59The Irishman walks into the bar.
18:00He says, I hear there's a traitor in the house.
18:04There's a traitor in the house.
18:05There's a big fella, 7 foot 11.
18:08Big hands like shoulders.
18:09He says, I'm a traitor.
18:11She says, trade us to a drink.
18:19The manager of Scunthorpe.
18:23It's a joke on its own.
18:25Letters will be written in thousands.
18:28And the manager of Scunthorpe lined all the team up.
18:30He says, all right, lads.
18:31I want you all to shake hands.
18:32That's it.
18:33That's the way you shake hands.
18:34When we get the cup,
18:35I want you to shake hands with a king like that.
18:37One of them says, there's no king on the throne.
18:39He says, when you win the cup, there will be.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:51Football pools are the thing, though, aren't they?
18:53Got to wait till next season now
18:54before we can start winning again.
18:56A fella near us, he said, they've had eight draws.
18:57He was really excited, he was.
18:59He said, seven draws.
18:59He said, one team, let me down.
19:02One team, let me...
19:02I said, which team was it?
19:03He said, Birmingham.
19:05He said, no, no, no.
19:07I said, Brighton.
19:08He said, no, no, no.
19:09I said, Bury.
19:10He said, no, no, no.
19:12Bloody Halifax.
19:16APPLAUSE
19:21Three fellas in a restaurant,
19:23and they ordered chicken for dinner, you see.
19:25And the waiter came with the chicken,
19:26and he said to one fella, where are you from?
19:28He said, I'm from Liverpool.
19:29He said, so he gave him the left wing.
19:32He said to the other fella, where are you from?
19:33He said, I'm from Newcastle.
19:34So he gave him the right wing.
19:35And he said to the other fella, where are you from?
19:37He said, Arsenal, but I'm not hungry.
19:41APPLAUSE
19:46Morphe, he's Irish, Morphe.
19:47Irish through a friend of his father's.
19:51He's got 17 kids.
19:5317 kids.
19:54Stork, Raven, Mudd.
19:55What a family.
19:5717 kids.
19:58He was only having a bit of fun,
19:59but she took him serious, you know.
20:01The parish priest advised Morphe to use the rhythm method.
20:04He says, where the hell am I going to get a Keely bond
20:06at half past two in the morning?
20:08APPLAUSE
20:13It's a hell of a family, isn't it?
20:1417 kids.
20:15She was very hard to hear of Mrs. Morphe.
20:17Every night when they went to bed, he used to say,
20:19are we going to go to sleep, or what?
20:21And she'd say, what?
20:23LAUGHTER
20:24So she wasn't feeling too well the other week.
20:26She went to the doctor, the doctor examiner.
20:27He says, Mrs. Morphe, you have had far too many children.
20:30If you have any more children, it could be fatal.
20:32And it could kill you as well.
20:34You'd better do something about it seriously.
20:36So she decided to sleep downstairs,
20:37and he decided to sleep upstairs.
20:39And this went on all right for about three months,
20:41till one night she couldn't stand it any longer.
20:43She got up three o'clock in the morning,
20:45in her negligence.
20:47She got halfway up the stairs,
20:49and she met the queer fella coming down.
20:50And Morphe says, where the hell are you going?
20:52Ah, she says, I'm coming up to die.
20:56He says, that's bloody funny.
20:57I was coming down to kill you.
20:58Anyway, with the...
21:03When Morphe first arrived in England many years ago,
21:05when Ireland was a peaceful nation,
21:07and please God, it will be soon,
21:08him and Casey got off the boat in Liverpool.
21:11That'd give them a hell of a shock,
21:12because they left Ireland by plane.
21:16They're walking...
21:18That was some rubbish in tonight, isn't it, Mary?
21:20Listen.
21:20No, listen, they're walking up from the docks in Liverpool,
21:23and Morphe saw a big sign that says,
21:25there's two men wanted for murder.
21:27Morphe says,
21:27but God, I don't want a job like that.
21:31There must be better jobs in England than that.
21:34And 50 yards further,
21:35they saw another sign.
21:36It said,
21:36two West Indians wanted for rape.
21:38And Morphe says,
21:39them coloured fellas get all the best jobs.
21:48This fella's in the bar,
21:49and he says to me,
21:49I've given up drinking,
21:52smoking,
21:53and going with him,
21:54and it's been the longest 20 minutes of my life.
22:00I don't talk about football much,
22:02because I live in between Rotherham and Doncaster,
22:03and I know you'll all agree when I say
22:05we've got two of the finest football teams in Great Britain.
22:08Doncaster Rovers are good.
22:09They drew once, you know.
22:12I don't remember.
22:13My mum told me about it.
22:16They played a Welsh team.
22:17Swansea City,
22:18they drew one,
22:18each of them.
22:19But I had a mate who used to live down there,
22:20and he said the final score was 1-0 for Swansea,
22:23and the referee blew his whistle,
22:24and Swansea left a football pitch,
22:26and Doncaster Rovers kept on playing.
22:2925 minutes later,
22:30they scored.
22:35You go there on a Saturday,
22:36put a pound on the turnstile.
22:37I said,
22:38two, please.
22:38He said,
22:38what do you want?
22:38Full-backs or forwards?
22:43They haven't got a good team,
22:44but they've got a good football pitch.
22:46They should have the stuff they play on it.
22:52On the other side,
22:53we've got Rotherham United,
22:54a mate who's a staunch United supporter,
22:56and he's telling me his paladin had been in the match,
22:57and he met him in the pub during the week.
22:58He said,
22:58why aren't you going to the football match, Charlie?
23:00We said,
23:00I have no chance.
23:01No,
23:01he said,
23:01the wife won't let me get away,
23:02just got married.
23:03Look,
23:03he said,
23:03if you want to go to the match,
23:04you've got to be firm with her.
23:06Say,
23:06I'm going to the football today.
23:07Here she says,
23:08you're not,
23:08you take her home,
23:09take her upstairs,
23:10take her pants down,
23:10and give her back side a good spank.
23:11She wants to know who's the boss,
23:12that's her trouble.
23:13Next week,
23:14he's still not at the match.
23:15He met him in the pub,
23:15he said,
23:15why aren't you making it?
23:16He said,
23:16don't she out?
23:17And he adjusted you to tell me.
23:18I said,
23:19I'm going to the football today.
23:20She said,
23:20oh,
23:20no,
23:21you're not.
23:21So I took her home,
23:22I took her upstairs,
23:22I took her pants down,
23:23and I thought,
23:23well,
23:24rather than I've been playing too well later.
23:39The Canadians tonight were Frank Carson,
23:43Dougie Brown,
23:44Colin Crofton,
23:46Joel Dropper,
23:47Ken Goodwin,
23:48Dave Buckluck,
23:50Jerry Harris,
23:51Eddie Flanigan,
23:53and Pat Mooney.
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