00:00With my husband I saw him like my father like when we would try to have intimate moments all I
00:05could
00:05see was the like I could not experience any of that stuff without the context of that as like
00:11it's just the way my brain would be triggered immediately so I literally had to learn how to
00:16have intimacy after processing my trauma because I didn't know how to do it without that being the
00:22lens so I would just lay there and pretend like I was sleeping and my husband was like this is
00:27kind
00:27of weird behavior but he never had the context because he was never really with anybody else
00:31so both of us were just like this is just what intimacy looks like he was just always willing
00:37to sit there and help and figure out like why I would do these weird behaviors the reality was
00:42I didn't feel safe no matter what and like I was recreating the dynamics that I had lived through
00:47as a child my dad wanted me to myself in front of him and that severely traumatized my ability to
00:55not be super embarrassed and ashamed of my own responses even with myself
