00:00Today, we're going to talk about death.
00:01And it might be uncomfortable, and it might be hard,
00:03but I promise we're also probably going to have a lot of fun.
00:06I feel most alive when I am talking to people about their death.
00:09Their options, the two major ones that exist,
00:11are burial and cremation.
00:13I sincerely hope I'm starting to de-stigmatize that conversation.
00:16As they're currently buried,
00:17the body doesn't decompose in a natural way.
00:19It turns into sludge.
00:21Ew.
00:23Talking about sex won't make you pregnant.
00:25Talking about death won't make you dead.
00:29My name is Elua Arthur, and I'm a death doula.
00:39A death doula is somebody who helps a person who's dying
00:43plan for their death and supports the family through the death.
00:46A lot of people think that my work is doom and gloom,
00:48but in fact, it's the most invigorating and life-affirming thing
00:51that I know how to do.
00:52I love life, and that's why I am drawn to working in death.
01:02I was hired by a family in Colorado
01:05to discuss what an end-of-life plan would look like,
01:08because her mom has cancer.
01:11Planning for death looks like a lot of things.
01:12Getting an advanced care directive together,
01:14creating a very clear death plan about how you want to die,
01:17and it looks like getting arrangements for funeral
01:21or disposition of the body.
01:22Come on in, come on in.
01:23Hello.
01:26Hi.
01:27My name is Debbie.
01:28I'm feeling a little melancholy because I have cancer,
01:32and we actually started talking about this
01:35when I was in the hospital, the fact that I don't have a will.
01:38And you don't think about stuff like this
01:40until you are having to think about it.
01:43My hope is to honor your wishes as fully as possible.
01:48Whatever feels right for you will do.
01:49Okay.
01:50Okay.
01:51So this is your advanced planning document.
01:54So by the time this is complete, it will be a legally binding document.
01:57It should have all the things that your family members will need
02:00to handle your affairs in case of serious illness
02:03when you're not able to anymore or after your death.
02:05What are your general thoughts on life support treatment?
02:08The only experience I've ever had was with my mom.
02:11I don't know. What do you guys think?
02:13It comes down to what you would want if you were in that situation.
02:17I don't want to be one of those people that is in a coma for two years.
02:21Right.
02:21Would you want machines to support if there was a chance you could get better?
02:25Yes.
02:26Okay.
02:26I don't want my family to suffer.
02:28Okay.
02:29That's the thing.
02:29I do not want my life to be prolonged if the likely risks would outweigh the expected benefit.
02:35Okay.
02:36From working in death, I've learned that life is so precious.
02:41And even the pain is as pleasant as the joy.
02:46Man, I've seen so much joy.
02:49What would you say has been the greatestest of joy in your life?
02:51These two.
02:52It is amazing for me to wake up in the morning and my grandson comes in and bothers me.
02:59I never could have imagined that my life would have this kind of happiness, this kind of joy.
03:06There's always going to be worry.
03:08This illness, it has really taught me whatever my life is going through, wherever I end, it's about today.
03:16If this illness takes me, you will be able to tell them that I was the happiest person today that
03:22you've ever seen.
03:23Your joy is palpable.
03:24I can feel it.
03:25It's like, it's seeping over into me.
03:28The biggest misconception about my job is that it's sad and heavy and I always think, well, come try it
03:35for a day.
03:36We end up laughing a lot during my end-of-life planning consultations.
03:39Even when people are getting closer to the end of their lives, there's still plenty of life in it and
03:45there's still plenty of light.
03:46We're right here at Mental and Emotional Pain.
03:48When I am mentally or emotionally unwell, I prefer to remedy it through.
03:53Marijuana.
03:53Or some marijuana.
03:54Marijuana.
03:55That's right.
03:56Yeah.
03:58I can see that now.
04:03I encourage you to reach out to me if you need support on any level.
04:08This is what I do and it is my joy to do so.
04:12Can I just ask you what made you go this direction?
04:16I'm not comfortable with other human suffering if there's something I can do about it.
04:20We suffer alone a lot and I don't think that we have to suffer alone.
04:24I definitely understand it.
04:26So thank you.
04:30I find it tremendously important that we can be with death in a way that's okay.
04:36It's so human.
04:37It's the most human thing we'll do other than being born and maybe giving birth.
04:41We're born, we die.
04:43Let's do both in ways that honor us and honor humankind and honor each other.
04:52This is my memento mori, the reminder that I'm going to die, that beneath all the rest of this is
04:57just the skull.
04:59My brother-in-law was diagnosed with Burkitt's lymphoma and was terminal.
05:04After Peter died, I learned that a large part of what I'd done during the time of his illness was
05:10midwife.
05:11By being present with medication and offering support to my sister and his parents.
05:17These are things that people do anyway when somebody's ill.
05:20I was there for two months.
05:22Ugh.
05:22It's a strange thing to think of, to be, like, happy there when somebody died.
05:28But it gave me insight into how we really can do better and we really should do better.
05:39Death meditation is an opportunity for people that are struggling with some fears around death and dying to confront those
05:47fears head on.
05:48And to see what the discomfort is so that we can then talk about that and process that.
05:52Now bring your awareness and your attention to your breath.
05:56Death is inevitable.
05:57My lifespan is ever decreasing.
05:58Death comes whether or not I am prepared.
06:00Death has many causes.
06:01My body is fragile and my loved ones cannot see.
06:04My own body cannot help me when death comes.
06:06Consider these truths deeply.
06:08Take a deep breath in.
06:09There is a feeling of utter weightlessness.
06:12You are now aware that this is what dying feels like.
06:15See that all that is left of your body is a skeleton.
06:18On your next inhale and feel that you are alive and awake and present in this room.
06:24You can open your eyes.
06:26Let's stay there for a second.
06:28Okay.
06:30You feel the ground beneath your feet?
06:32It doesn't look like my feet for some reason.
06:34What are you feeling?
06:35What are you sensing?
06:36My skin feels a little sensitive.
06:38I think I am just hyper aware of all of those things right now.
06:42When you were describing my body decomposing, that was actually really comforting to me.
06:48The thought of me going back into the earth and actually nourishing the earth was really soothing.
06:55I got this after my sister's fish died and I had to dispose of its body.
07:01My funeral, what I'd really like is to be outside, somewhere in a park.
07:07I'd like my body to be there in my orange raw silk shroud.
07:10My funeral is going to be decorated by my jewelry.
07:12People will get to take what they want and hopefully put it on at the ceremony.
07:17I'm energized to talk about my own funeral because I think that it's a great way to celebrate who I
07:23am.
07:23The chance that the people that I love most will come together and talk about my impact on them feels
07:29incredible.
07:32I love everything about life.
07:35I love sparkles.
07:36I love giggles.
07:37I love sprinting.
07:38I love crying.
07:39I love expression.
07:41I do this because everything is rooted in love.
07:43This is the purest expression of love that I can find.
07:46This is my gift to the world.
07:48One day you and I will die, but before that day comes, let us live.
07:54Let us live.
07:55Let us live.
07:56Let us live.
07:56Let us live.
07:56Let us live.
07:56Let us live.
07:57Let us live.
07:57Let us live.
07:57You
