Her Stepfather Was A Sick Man

Unfiltered Stories

Cassandra Lambert is a CSA survivor who recently published her memoir, sharing her journey of healing and navigating life through the effects of childhood trauma and SA. Living with C-PTSD, Cassandra dives deep into how the trauma shaped her life but also how she uncovered the roots of her pain. Through her healing process, she was able to transform her life and find peace.   #truecrime #trauma   Follow Cassandra here:  http://www.instagram.com/C_love_lambert  https://www.youtube.com/user/CassLambert  https://books.cassandralovelambert.com/intothelight  http://www.cassandralovelambert.com/   Thank you for watching Unfiltered Stories! We offer a platform for our guests to speak openly about their life stories and journeys, shedding light on the challenges they faced and the resilience they've shown.   Our mission is to raise awareness about survivors by delving into their stories, exploring the impact of their experiences, and how they've managed to heal and rebuild their lives.  By sharing these stories, we aim to break the silence surrounding those challenging memories and create a compassionate environment.   🌅 FOLLOW US 🌅  Facebook ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredFB  Tiktok ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredTT  Snapchat ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredSN

Transcript

00:00Hi, my name is Cassandra Love Lambert. I'm here to share my story of becoming my own hero and

00:06going through childhood trauma, specifically sexual abuse from age five to eight. So my mom

00:12was arguing with her boyfriend and I don't know what they were arguing about. I was only two.

00:17And when I revisit this memory, there's no sound, but they were arguing about something

00:22and I went over there and I don't remember what happened next. The part of this memory that I

00:28remember is just because of what other people have told me. But I guess my mom moved me out of

00:33the way and I hit my eye on the corner of a coffee table and got a black eye. This

00:38man's mom didn't

00:40particularly like my mom. So she called CPS and I was taken away. So I would say three to six

00:46months

00:46that took my mom to get me back. I got back with my mom and then we moved into a

00:51house with like all

00:52her friends. So it was a house full of women and we had a room that we shared. And it's

00:56funny because

00:56the babysitter was like their abuela and she only spoke Spanish and we were watching, you know,

01:03Spanish soap operas. And I guess I picked up the language at that age because, you know, you pick

01:07up stuff when you're so young. And so being in that house was actually great and safe and cozy

01:13because it was a bunch of women. And I was actually a little adventurous at that part of time. Like

01:18I

01:18decided one day I'm going to go shopping for Barbies. So I took my purse and my change and just

01:24walked

01:24out back to a really busy street and to a bus stop. And I got in a lot of trouble

01:28for that.

01:29So I guess at that point, the trauma from being in foster care didn't like disrupt, you know, my soul

01:36to the, like I was still very adventurous, you know, it was when we were in this house that my

01:42mom met

01:42Bobby and she met him actually through the roommates, her friends that we lived with. So like three to

01:48four ish, she's just started to date him. And then we moved in definitely by the time I was four,

01:55before I was four, even because my pre, I have my preschool picture, which is what I sent you.

02:00The one that's all like, I'm happy and colorful. So we were already living with him when I was four.

02:07So I'm assuming they started dating before he treated us like princesses. Like he showed up and

02:14um, he was always gift giving us gifts, like really beautiful gifts, taking to us to beautiful

02:20places, fancy places, restaurants and things. Now that I'm older, I can understand the type of

02:27personality is more than I would have been, but he completely fits like narcissist. Um, cause the love

02:34bombing, the elaborate gifts. He was this business guy. He would take me with him to business meetings

02:40and he was my first father figure, right? Cause my mom was a single mom and we moved into this

02:45really huge house with him in San Francisco's three stories. So it was like, so cool for me.

02:51I'm like, Oh wow. We went from this like tiny little bedroom to this huge house. I got to have

02:57my own

02:57room. I was in a waterbed. The thing that is interesting is I did start to have nightmares or,

03:05and I also started to see like these like dark beings around my bed. And I wonder if part of

03:12me

03:12was picking up on like a darker energy. Um, it wasn't at the beginning when we first were with

03:19him, but like closer to before he lost his job, I was starting to see like this darkness around that

03:27was scaring me. I started to get scared at night. Like I would have to have a light on another

03:32thing

03:32though that does come up is after the foster care, I would wet the bed sometimes. So something about

03:39that, I would wet the bed. Honestly, there was a point where I thought him and my mom were going

03:43to

03:44have a baby and my mom was really excited actually. And so with that, I was like, Ooh, I get

03:49to have a

03:49sibling. And then the baby never came. However, like he didn't become a monster to me until like we had

03:57to

03:57move into this tiny rundown apartment in San Bruno. And then he lost his job. He became a monster to

04:04me

04:04because like they started fighting and arguing. I hadn't heard them do that before. And I looked out

04:11the room and saw him kick my mom. She was pregnant with my sister by this time in the stomach

04:17with her

04:18pregnant baby belly. And she went flying across the room to our wicker chair. I don't know what happened

04:24after that because I was like, I can't believe I just saw that right shot. But I heard my mom

04:28crying

04:28in the bathroom. And it was the first time I had heard her crying ever. So I had went in

04:32there and

04:33just sat with her. And even this memory is so interesting because I can't forget it. I can't

04:37unsee it. And my mom just can't remember it because you know how trauma works, right? So he ended up

04:44losing his job. And we moved from this big three story house that was amazing to this tiny like shack

04:52like apartment on San Bruno Ave by the airport. And he was not the same person can't get it out

04:59of my

04:59head. Because it was the first time like, it's the first time I even recall them like fighting or

05:06yelling or anything like that. Like, I feel like they kept any disagreements like hush hush up until

05:13that moment because it was a three story house. So who knows? I was on like the second story. They

05:17were

05:18on like the lower level. So you know, there was just more space. But now that we were in this

05:22tiny

05:23apartment, it's like, they couldn't hide that from me, maybe. I don't know what words were said

05:30or what they were fighting about. I just heard noise and looked out. And literally right when I

05:36looked out, he kicked her so hard in her tummy and she went flying. I closed the door because I

05:42didn't

05:42want to be caught. And then I heard my mom crying really loud in the bathroom. And so I think

05:49he had

05:49left after he did that. So I went in the bathroom to console her and just sit there. It was

05:54the first

05:55time I saw her crying. I know that my mom like because he lost his job. My mom started working

06:01a lot to pay for everything, right? Because now she's the one paying for everything. So the first

06:07incident of him abusing me was him calling me into the bathroom. When I got in there,

06:14he was, he was naked. I didn't understand. And he had jelly and he put it on himself and he

06:21told me

06:22to lick it off. And I don't want to, the smell was gross. It was sticky. After that, he then

06:28made me

06:29like use my hand and he showed me what to do. And, um, until like stuff came out and went

06:34in the

06:34toilet. And after that, I don't even know what I did. Cause, uh, I go blank. That's all. I just

06:41remember that whole situation. And I know at one point he made a comment about don't tell anybody

06:47or else. And so I always like, whenever I think of him telling me that I just always see my

06:53mom

06:53being kicked across the room, pregnant. So like, I believed him, you know, he would switch what he

06:59would do. Like he never penetrated fully by private area, but he would do things to my private area or

07:07make me do things to his private area. And I remember just leaving my body. I learned how to

07:14leave my body and kind of just be up in a corner in the room somewhere. And then when I

07:19would come

07:19back to my body, I hated how it felt cause it would be burning down there. So I had a

07:25friend at school.

07:26She was my best friend and she came home one day and I thought that my friend being there was

07:32going

07:32to save me from him trying anything. And I was so wrong. Me and her were in my room playing.

07:37And

07:37then all of a sudden he's in the doorway, um, to the closet. He was just standing there, um, naked

07:43in the closet doorway to my room. And he came in there and he started directing us and telling us

07:50what

07:50to do and get undressed and directing us to play with my teddy bear and each other and him. I

07:59felt

07:59awful and so wrong and guilty that like my friend just got used to created an interesting trauma bond

08:06between me and her too. It went on until I was eight until my mom left him. Like, cause even

08:12when

08:12we moved out of that little tiny pink apartment in San Bruno and moved to San Mateo and he actually

08:19started working, I thought that like it would end, but he found time and pockets to do things

08:26and different kinds of things. Sometimes he'd use oil. It was sometimes he'd be doing oral on me.

08:33He would make me be naked and wash my body and rub me all over just like so many different

08:41things.

08:42And yeah, it just, it didn't stop until my mom left. And I was actually really scared when my mom

08:48left. Cause I was like, did she find out? Like I didn't want to get anybody hurt. I was really

08:54paranoid, but then that story continues, right? Cause he wasn't out of the picture. Cause my little

08:59sister is his daughter. And so there's a whole custody thing around that where we were still

09:04seeing him. Like he would take us for visits to go do things. And then actually this is when he

09:10started taking her to the bathroom instead of me. And she was three. And that again, just made me feel

09:16awful. Cause I felt like I couldn't do anything. I was third grade. My friend was holding my hand the

09:21whole way to my mom's car. She was picking me up from school. I couldn't tell her, but my friend

09:26had to,

09:26I just couldn't. And then, um, we ended up going to my mom's friend's house. The cops were called

09:33and I had a really hard time talking about it. Like verbally saying the things would just make me

09:40feel so much stuff in my body. I wrote it all out like an essay. And that was the beginning,

09:46right?

09:46And I thought I was helping my sister, but oh my God, like the system took forever to protect her.

09:53She was able to go visit him by herself for so long, even though they knew what he was doing.

09:59And so I felt like I should have just kept my mouth shut in a way. Cause now she was

10:04going to

10:04visit him by herself without me at all. This is actually in my book too. I talk about this because

10:10first therapist they had me go to was so traumatizing. I didn't even know this lady.

10:16She's some stranger. The first and only session I have with her, she's pulling out these dolls and

10:21telling me to show her what happened. And I'm like, that was so traumatizing, right? Like,

10:26who are you and what? And because of that experience of feeling forced to have to tell

10:33this stranger and interact the dolls, I didn't talk to anyone again after her. Like I got another

10:39therapist who was actually nice. And I saw her for like a year. Not once did I ever talk about

10:45it

10:45because of how that first therapist was. And then also they made me go to a gynecologist and that to

10:52me was actually just as traumatizing as Bobby. Cause Bobby didn't penetrate my private, but this

10:59gynecologist did. By this time I just felt like my body wasn't mine. I got bullied a lot cause I

11:06was

11:06like more quiet, but I do remember there was this girl who was always bullying me. And when all this

11:11was happening and coming to the surface, like I just couldn't take it. And I snapped one day and

11:16I pushed her into the fence and she never bullied me again. So like, I guess that was good. It

11:21made

11:21me really feel uncomfortable in my body. I mean, on top of puberty, right? Like your body's changing

11:28and then people talking about looks and this and that. So I feel like I struggled a lot with my

11:34body

11:35growing up. Cause like with Bobby, nothing ever felt good. And it was always like burning sensations,

11:40but because of what he was doing, I started touching myself and started having orgasms

11:45at five. So I would make myself feel good. Um, so even having that so young, it's just so

11:52much innocence was lost. Right. And also because of him doing that to me, I almost became a magnet.

11:59Like there was this boy that touched me during movie time at school, his brother at recess.

12:05There was this girl at latchkey. Like people, it just felt like I became a magnet of people touching

12:11me. Cause I was groomed. I didn't have a sense of agency to say no. This actually makes me think

12:17of

12:17like, there was a Christmas, like we didn't want to let her go. We didn't. And we were all three

12:22just

12:23sitting at the front of this apartment building, like, um, the door. We didn't want to open the door

12:28to let her go. And, um, he's on the other side of the door, obviously. And he called the police

12:34cause my mom wouldn't give her to him. And the police made my mom give her to him. That was

12:39so hard

12:40because we knew what he was doing. They still let her keep going by herself to go on visitations to

12:46wherever he took her. And some of the stories she's told me about where he took her and what she,

12:51he did, like, that's her story to tell. But like, I can't believe it, you know, it was bad.

12:56But what got them to finally like get more strict with him was actually, he came and kidnapped her

13:04off of the playground after school. We were outside playing. It was after school, Latchkey daycare.

13:10And he just came and kidnapped her right off of the thing. None of the teachers stopped him.

13:14I was scared. I didn't know what I could do. Right. And he took her for weeks, a couple of

13:19weeks. My mom

13:20couldn't get her back. Um, and because he pulled that stunt, that's when they finally enforced

13:25visitation. Like he could only see her with a like supervisor there. So that's when it got restricted,

13:32but it took a long time. I remember like going to a lawyer and I didn't want to talk. It

13:39was like

13:39torture to talk. So we were working on a case, but the case never came to fruition. I never went

13:45to court

13:45to speak. And I'm not quite sure what caused him to stop seeing his daughter. Um, cause my mom was

13:53like an old friend of hers was coming around that she knew forever. And they, they started dating and

13:59he was actually a really good guy. We ended up moving in with him. So he was like just super

14:05supportive through the whole process. And she ended up marrying him, but somehow Bobby just disappeared.

14:10But we heard years later, right. That he died of sepsis. So some weird disease where your internal

14:17organs liquefy. And I was like, that was the justice piece right there. We never got to bring him the

14:23justice in the court system, but like the universe and you know, mother nature, um, kind of gave him

14:31one for sure. I feel tortured still in some ways by the aftermath of the abuse. And I'm 41. Yeah.

14:39The aftermath. I can't watch sex scenes in movies. Like it makes my entire body go through like same,

14:45um, sensations. So like I, I, the best I could do with it, um, is boundary it, right? Like I

14:53can't

14:53be in a relationship with that. We have vid angel to help block that stuff out. Thank goodness they

14:58have resources like that now back in the day they did it. So it makes going to like pools difficult.

15:03It makes, you know, going places where people aren't fully dressed challenging sometimes because

15:09my nervous system does things. The triggers just are really strong still, even at 41, even though

15:15I've done so much somatic work. I would just end up in relationships with, um, men that would

15:23cheat or lie or abuse. I ended up in relationships too. People I probably shouldn't have been dating at

15:29all. Like I didn't really have that parental like protection. Like nobody was telling me not to date

15:35these people. So in a way it's like statutory rape in ways. Cause it's just like, they're like 20 and

15:41you're like 15 or 16 or whatever. Like you shouldn't be talking to this person. But yeah, there were a

15:48lot of really abusive relationships with my first relationship, real boyfriend. I got with him when I

15:53was 16 and he was way older. He was already like 19 and I was with him for like four

15:58or five years.

15:58Like all through high school. And then after, and he cheated on me multiple times. The most

16:04abusive one, he was very physical. He broke my thumb. He would, um, throw my homework down in the

16:11middle of the street when I was going to the fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in San

16:16Francisco. He would yell at me and cuss at me in public calling me and this and that. Um, just

16:22for

16:22looking up, having my eyes up versus at the ground. And he was just constantly accusing me of things

16:29that I wasn't doing. There was one time he got in the middle of the intersection and sat there

16:35and wouldn't move. So the police were called. They put him in a straight jacket. They took him in.

16:39I got put in handcuffs. I was like scared. I was like, don't do that. But yeah, there were a

16:44lot of,

16:46um, emotionally abusive people too. Like, as I guess I went along the healing process, they got more

16:54emotionally abusive versus physically or violent abusive. When I was 23 year old, 23 years old,

17:01I was dating this really abusive guy. He started as a brother type person. And then those lines kind

17:08of started to blur. We had, we were arguing in the car. He got out. I don't know why I

17:13started chasing

17:14him. I followed him to the back of the gas station and he called me a

17:22pictures, something like that. And like, he had done it so many times. Like I couldn't just

17:26take it anymore. And this was actually the first time I slapped him because of how many times he

17:31had called me names, how many times he had just disrespected me, how many times, how many times.

17:36And I just, I slapped him. And in that moment, he just took my hand, looked me in my eyes

17:41and broke

17:42my thumb. And it's the only bone I've ever had broken in my whole life. But when I was with

17:47him,

17:47like I was getting a lot of anxiety because obviously he was cheating and lying and this

17:52and that, my body would sense it before I would even know for sure. And so I thought that I

17:58needed

17:58to get help. And so there was like a Tony Robbins infomercial back then, and it kind of planted a

18:03seed.

18:04Um, and then there was this other infomercial about like this anxiety program. I got the anxiety

18:09program and then I started reading Tony Robbins. And then when I was in that really, really abusive

18:16relationship, so fast forward some years there, I ended up in this really amazing acting class.

18:22It was a Meisner acting class with Rachel Adler in San Francisco. Because before that moment,

18:28before that class, I was living on autopilot, total survival mode, not in the present moment at all.

18:35And that whole process of Meisner is all about being authentic in the moment, polite, you know,

18:40say how you feel, you know, feel what you feel, all this stuff. So it really like just brought me

18:45into

18:46my body and the present moment. And she actually called me out. She's like, if you don't get therapy,

18:50I can't work with you anymore. Cause you have the most intense defense mechanism system I've ever seen

18:56in my life. Cause she said like, people would say something to me and I would take it and I

19:01would mold

19:02it. And I would do all this stuff before I would send it back versus just being authentic in the

19:07moment. And so hallelujah for her. Cause she really woke me up even more. And from that point on,

19:14it went to like other personal development type companies like PSI seminars, but like really the

19:20major piece of healing didn't happen until I had my daughter. Because when I had her,

19:26I was facing being a single mom and I had no plan. Having a daughter brought everything I thought I

19:34had

19:35potentially healed to the surface with a vengeance. So let me know any of the work I did before her

19:41didn't get to the roots. It was really overwhelming for my system actually. Cause I was so scared and

19:47I felt like such an asshole for bringing a baby into the world, a world that I hadn't quite felt

19:53safe in. And I was like, how the heck am I supposed to protect this child, you know, in this

19:58crazy world

19:58that I wasn't protected in. And it just really opened up a trauma capsule for me. I was so scared

20:05of repeating the same thing, getting in a relationship with a guy that would do to her. That was

20:11like my worst fear. And that made it really hard to trust anyone. So that made like babysitting,

20:17like, who am I going to leave my child with? I felt like I had no one. And so I

20:20leaned on my mom.

20:21And even though that wasn't the most healthy, it was like, at least I know her, you know, but it

20:26really

20:27created a pressure cooker. I didn't know where to turn. And so at that point I kind of turned toward

20:33a higher power, not because of a boyfriend and not because of this or that, but just really surrendering to

20:40like a higher power. I was angry because to me, if there was a God or a higher power, I'm

20:46like,

20:47well, why did you let this happen to me? Why did you let that happen to me? Why do you

20:50let this

20:50happen to kids? So like every time I took a step toward it, it would take a step toward me

20:55and guide

20:56me. And it kind of led me to somatic work. So clinical EFT tapping, brain spotting and somatic

21:03attachment therapy and parts work. Um, and EFT was the first one that really, I started noticing

21:10shifts, like things shifting for me where like, I didn't feel the same way towards it. Like I didn't

21:16have the same charge in my body like I did before. And that's when I knew, and it didn't come

21:21back.

21:21I was always scared. Like, is it going to come back? Like, yeah, right. This isn't really,

21:24like, I just had this like relationship, like nothing really actually helps. Right.

21:29But it did. And it stayed. And so then I became certified because I was so convicted. I'm like,

21:37well, if this actually helps me, because I've tried so many things, then like, I have to share it.

21:43I have to help other people with it. Now I'm a author. My book is coming out in October and

21:52November

21:53into the light becoming my own hero. I'm also a speaker and I'm also a somatic.

21:59a transformational coach. Uh, and I walk people through my pain into power process and it's very

22:06somatic. It helps release what's in your body and helps you build a healthy relationship with

22:12your body and your emotions and really transform your pain into your power. And I help you become

22:19your own hero because that was actually a piece I had to learn. Nobody was coming to save me.

22:25I had to save myself. The first place to start to me is just making the choice that you deserve

22:32better. Um, and then seeking help for sure. And, um, if you're scared to actually reach out

22:38to a person and start with books, there's some really good books and really taking care of yourself.

22:44So boundaries, filling your cup, doing things like meditation and movement and, um, learning EFT

22:51tapping. Cause these are things you can do on your own. Um, to just start regulating your nervous

22:59system, which to me is the most important piece. It kind of impacted me and my sister's relationship

23:05too. Cause like she looked like him. And so even though I loved my sister, sometimes I had,

23:11like I had a hard time cause she looked like her dad, like in her face or like her toe.

23:16And so I think sometimes like the resentment would come out towards her, even though it wasn't

23:21towards her. Cause I was so young, you know, I've always felt really sad about that. So like,

23:27there's a lot of trauma there for sure, which I go into depth in my book. Cause like my mom,

23:33she went through so much, right. And she never got healing for any of it. She kind of just stuffs

23:38it

23:39places. So it has impact, you know, and it caused her to make choices that impacted us that weren't

23:45the best. And so there's like layers and layers of trauma there as we grew up. I broke the chains.

23:51Yeah. I broke the chains with my daughter. I love my daughter so much. And I guess that also makes

23:57me mad at my mom. Cause I'm like, I couldn't make those choices that she made because I love my

24:02daughter too much. And I can't treat my daughter any of the ways my mom treated me. Cause I just

24:07love

24:07her too much. And it also confuses me. I'm like, how, why, you know? Cause like, I look at her

24:12and

24:12I'm like, she's my everything. But with her, I cherish her innocence. She's 11. It makes me so happy.

24:18I'm like, yes, broke that chain.

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